Wide Awake…

What’s keeping me awake? Literally everything! I can’t figure out what I want to watch, read, listen to? What podcast to watch? What to eat or what to wear? Am I hungry? If so, for what? I finally make a decision , after overthinking for an hour. Then change my mind 10 minutes in to doing whatever took me an hour to decide.  I am incredibly overstimulated. 

Life seems to be moving in the right direction? I am happy and excited. I’m far less stressed than usual. Which freaks me out and the reason I can’t sleep. 

If I let my guard down and relax, things will crash. If I get comfortable and let my guard down… BOOM! Life will remind me of how cruel it can be. I feel I need to quite literally, keep one eye open at night. 

Then I obsess on time flying, death, how words are formed and the fact I’m certifiably nuts! It’s a whole thing. 

So, here we are. Middle of the night, impromptu podcast. Why not? 

Transcript

SPEAKER_00 0:00

Hello and welcome to another episode of The Ramblings of an Insomniac. I am Courtney. Uh, this really is like the middle of the night. I literally cannot sleep. I am so wide awake, but every time I start to do anything, I can't like stick with it. I think, okay, I'll watch a show, but then I'm like, I start to watch it and I can't. I think, all right, I'll look up some shit on Pinterest, and then I'm like, I can't. Alright, I'll sit outside and get some fresh air, and then I'm like, ugh. I just like I can't find a podcast. I can't find music that I want to listen to. I am so just I'm I can't sleep. I've got about 47,000 things running through my head, and uh I just um I don't know. So I thought, well, maybe I will do a podcast literally in the middle of the night. Um in the middle of the night while I am sitting in the living room, just like I don't know. It's weird because I don't even really know. I do know what's on my brain. Like again, this is April, and the month of April just really has notoriously not been a good one for me, but oddly, it's not even just that. I I don't know. I feel like so many things have changed in such a very short amount of time. And I'm okay with change. I'm not one of those people that really has a problem. I mean, I like, you know, notice, a little bit of notice, you know. I don't really like, you know, the day of or anything. But I'm actually fine with change. In fact, I get bored pretty easily. So change is great. I mean, I like routine too. I don't know. I'm I'm split down the middle, and point being it's just been like a lot of stuff at once. And um, the majority of it has been awesome and has been a good thing. And then there's other stuff that hasn't even necessarily been bad. It's just, you know, when you're just like I don't know. I'm I really this is my problem. I'm so wishy-washy and don't even know where my head is right now. That's the problem. I don't know what I am. I am so excited about many things. Um, again, like excited about you know, being able to be my own boss and make my own hours and um work with people and and animals and um do things that make me happy, and I'm super excited to have time and to be able to um I'm closer to my family. Um they were able to move back to the area, and so I'm super, super excited to be able to see um them and to be able to visit them now. And um I am excited about just a lot of things going on in my life and the possibilities of how much success I well, how much success I'm already having, and then just hearing what people have to say, I know that I can have as as much success as I allow, you know. But I'm also just like um I don't know. I I hate that I get caught up in the so many good things are happening happening, and so many good things have been like um whenever bad things I think are gonna happen, and it looks like things aren't gonna work out, and it looks like you know things could go real bad and um go sideways um miraculously, things work out, and um and that is a really, really good thing. And then I'm like, okay, but now a lot of good stuff is happening, and um so many things are coming my way that are um stress relievers, and like, but then I just can't shake that feeling that I'm like, oh my god, that just means something bad is gonna happen though, because that's been my life. I haven't had anytime, especially if something really good happens to me, then usually like 49,000 bad things happen. But then I'm like, okay, I've been reading a lot and like I said, watching a lot of documentaries on this whole energy thing, and and I'm like, maybe because I'm always thinking the worst is gonna happen, that's why it does. But then I'm like, well, okay, but I'm not God, you know, I don't decide these things. But then I'm like, I don't know, maybe I put that energy out there. But then I'm like, okay, I don't cause people to die. Like, I didn't ever ever put energy out there. I want someone to die, yet everyone in my life has died. You know, I have three people biologically related to me left on this planet. Three. I have three people that are left on this planet that are biologically related to me. And I didn't put that energy out there, obviously. So then I'm like, oh, I just I don't know why I am not allowing myself to be happy. I just feel like if I do, if I'm like, oh my god, yes, things are finally like stress-free for once. I don't remember what it feels like to not have such a huge amount of stress that like I get migraines, that I can't sleep, that I um get anxiety, that I sweat, that I, you know, pick a thing, all of it negative, you know. I don't, I I I'm not joking you when I say I can't remember when I haven't been stressed. So then I'm like, okay. So I'm finally not stressed. Isn't this a good thing? This is a good thing. Fucking let yourself be stressed. Like you can't just always be like, oh my God, but what if, what if, what if? Because again, now I'm just putting that shit energy out there. And it's kind of a um self-fulfilling prophecy thing, you know. But I don't like letting my guard down because there's been a handful of times that I have let my guard down, and nothing good came of it. I'll never forget the time that like I always have my cell phone on me, always, because again, I'm neurotic. I'm a fucking neurotic psycho that always thinks something is gonna happen, and I want to be prepared, gotta be prepared, gotta make sure I'm, you know, there, I gotta make sure that nothing happens on my watch, you know. And if something did, I have to make sure that I'm the first one to be there, you know? And so, um, but I wanted to just go on a walk with my um boyfriend at the time, and we wanted to go on a walk on the beach, and I was like, I just need like stress-free for five seconds. And and he's like, Well, leave your cell phone because you know your phone's been ringing off the hook. And at the time my phone was not ringing off the hook for like bad things, it was just a lot of people were calling me and stuff, and and I was like, Yeah, we're just going on a walk. And I was like, no, no, no, I just can't, I just can't. I just I feel like I have to have my cell phone on because you never know. What if, what if, what if. And plus, I'm one of those people that's like, what if something happens while I'm at the beach and someone is having a heart attack? Or what if, you know, I don't know. I'm always like misprepared, gotta be prepared. I'm like a girl scouter funk and I don't know what, but so I have to have my cell phone so I can call 911. You know, I'm misprepared. I gotta be ready. Gotta be ready. So I was like, but at the same time, I was like, I just want to take a walk on the beach and like smell the air and you know, breathe deep and enjoy the walk and be at one with nature, and you know, blah blah. And um, so we went on a walk, and I don't know, we were probably gone for like an hour, hour and a half. And I get back, and of course, I have like two um missed calls, and they were from my mom because my dad was in the hospital because something um was wrong with his heart and his blood pressure, and he had fallen over and he got really sick, and then he ended up staying in the hospital. And I was like, oh, that's fucking fantastic. So I wasn't there, and I understand that me having my phone or not having my phone was not going to prevent my dad from going into the hospital. And I realized my dad did not pass away, thankfully, thank God. But I just was like, I don't know. I just felt like I wasn't there for my mom, you know. And again, I know it's not my job to be there for my mom, but I am the one that's there for people. I've always been the responsible one. And, you know, not a diss on my parents, but they were out quite a bit, and I was home by myself more than just the 80s latchkey kid, you know. And I'm an only child, so I just depended on, you know, I was the responsible person. And I lived in a bigger city at the time, and um we had a psychopath girl that lived in our neighborhood, and um, she was adopted, and God bless her adopted parents. They adopted her because she was troubled. Her name was Tammy at the time, not my friend Tammy, who I love you, Tammy. I don't mean you, bestie. I'm not talking about you, um, but a different Tammy. Her name was Tammy Brown at the time. Um, she used to uh set little fires in her house and um not let them get to the point that they would destroy her house or anything. She would like set her garbage can on fire and then put it out and shit like that. And then one day she decided that she was going to go around the neighborhood and she spray painted 666 um on like every like second house. And then um not only did that, but decided to randomly set a couple of driveways on fire, and one of them was mine, and I was home by myself at the time and I was like nine, and um that was good times because she poured gasoline on the driveway and then um set the driveway on fire, so that was cool. Thankfully, like the car was not there or anything, and um it wasn't like super late at night, but I was up all hours of the night because my house that I lived in, that that house, that particular house, was haunted as fuck. I'm not joking you. If you believe in ghosts, don't believe in ghosts. I'm telling you, this house, if you it should be in like screw Amityville and screw um the conjuring and all that. This house was fucked up. I've lived in two majorly, not just me thought this, numerous people thought this. I don't know. But at any rate, I had to deal with that kind of crap. And unfortunately, my parents would come home and they shouldn't have been driving. And I don't even know how they didn't kill themselves or other people sometimes. Um a lot of times they are responsible and would take cabs, but sometimes they would drive home. And they would unfortunately get in like horrendous fights, and they would throw like plates and glasses at each other, and they would fall asleep or pass out, I should say, with cigarettes in their hands. So I had to make sure that I stayed up so that the house didn't catch on fire. And then the problem was they would, so I would take their cigarettes out of their hands because they would pass out. But the problem is they would like, you know, wake back up, light another cigarette, and then fall asleep. So I was constantly feeling like I had to stay awake because I was always worried the house was gonna be on fire. And then we had that psychopath, she did go to jail, by the way, after that. That was a little obviously she got caught and um God, I felt bad for her parents though, her adoptive parents, because they really tried, and she just was a handful. I wonder what she's doing now. Um, but at any rate, um it was I love my mom and dad, though I know that they loved me, but my mom, you know, I had three different fathers, and so um I just felt like I always needed to like be responsible because I never knew what was gonna go on, and um, I had to make sure things were taken care of because there wasn't a lot of stability, and so that's where I was going with that. I wasn't trying to be dark and be all like, but you know, and now I'm coming up on the um gosh, are we on three years? Um no, we're coming up on the fourth year already. I can't believe it's already been four years. Um, that my mom passed away, and I miss her like I just I don't know. And then this is really stupid, but it's almost my dog that passed away's birthday. It would have been her birthday, and I know that's silly to think about, but she was like seriously my best friend on the face of the earth, and I miss her because she was just the OG of dogs, man. And she was the first female dog I ever got, the first puppy I ever got. And um, well, no, that's not true. I had a German Shepherd puppy once when I was uh when I was younger, but um, anyway, not when I was younger. Anyway, it doesn't matter, irrelevant. But Nara was the first sorry, I have a dog drinking water in the background, so there you go. That's a good noise for you guys to hear, right? That's a new one. I don't know if I've had that on my podcast yet. Don't know that I've had dogs drinking out of a water bowl on my podcast yet. I think that's a new one. See? If you listen to my podcast, you get something new every time, right? I don't know. I'm just in such a mood. I don't even know what fucking mood I'm in. That's it's weird. I don't know what I want to eat, I don't know what I want to watch, I don't know what I want to listen to, I don't know where I want to go on a walk to. I don't know if I'm happy or sad. I'm I feel like I'm just like, and I don't know why, I don't know why. I mean, again, I know why I'm in this mood because this month just fucking blows for me, and it just reminds me of death and misery and heartache and depression, and um, and it's supposed to be my birthday month, and I'm just like I had three different people pass away on my fucking well, yeah, because a cousin and a dog and my real dad. And I know you guys are probably like, wow, you didn't say your real dad first, but I didn't really know him. Um so anyway, and you know, like I've said, I've had a grandma um the day after, and another grandma a week before, and my mom right before, and I just think oh goodness, are you all right? Good gravy. What do you think about that? I don't know. Um, but I can say the animals make it better. I've been playing with dogs and loving non-dogs and going on walks with dogs, and that helps. You know, when in doubt, hug it out with an animal, right? Whether it's a dog, a cat, a llama, a d a horse, a lizard, a tarantula. I don't think tarantulas like to hug, probably, I'm assuming. I don't know, but animals make it better, right? They just do, right? There was a day that I was crying and I was having a thing for my mom and I was missing her, and and they were so sweet, they both just kept putting their paw on me and like putting their head up against me, and I'm just like, you know, dogs just they love you so unconditionally, you know. Horses and dogs are the best. The most is this best is this, right? I don't know, you guys. I want to be happy because I am, and I am excited, and I feel like you know, finally so much stress has been lifted, and I'm like, wow, so many opportunities and so much stress lifted, and so many things have happened that have been good, and and I just keep going, well, so you know what that means. And I just feel like I have to brace myself and wait for it. I'm like, what a fucked up, like that's so fucking stupid. Like, why, why? I don't, I, I genuinely don't want to be this way. It's not because I'm seeking out the negative. That's what's even weirder. I'm not, I'm not, I just feel like I have to be prepared. I feel like I don't want to be blindsided. I don't, I'm tired of of being caught off guard, you know? I'm tired of investing and loving and loving, and then boom, someone cheats on you, boom, someone abuses you, boom, someone breaks your trust, boom, someone passes away. You know, and boom, someone sets your driveway on fire, you know. It's just I don't, I can't. I don't know. And then I don't get sleep, and my memory is definitely like I'm losing it, and I already have dementia in my family, so that's fun. And then that, and then I stay up all night obsessing on that, so that's extra fucking awesome. So then I sit there and I'm like, oh my god, I don't want dementia. I need to go get a pulse and I need to say, hey, uh, if I'm showing signs of dementia, just fucking shoot me. Like, go like plot me in the woods somewhere and I'll just let the bears eat me. I don't know because I don't wish dementia on my worst enemy. I think it's cruel and horrible. And unfortunately, not only have I seen it what it does to my family, because so many of my family members have had dementia, but I worked in memory care. I've worked in memory care for 10 years of my life, and I I see I see what it does to the person, and I see what it does to their family, and it's a horrible thing, and I want no part of it. And I honestly, that's when I believe in assisted suicide. That's when I would like, all right, then just put me out of my misery and put me down. And I mean that sincerely because it's cruel to keep someone with dementia alive. I mean, I I'm not trying to say I want people to be put out of the memory. I'm not, I don't want people to suffer. I don't. I don't believe in people's suffering, but I'm not at all saying that I'm, you know, suggesting people like do assisted suicide and stuff. I'm just saying it's sad and I hate seeing people suffer, and I wouldn't wish it on my worst enemy. And um so then I lay awake thinking of that fun stuff. So that's fucking awesome. And then the other day I was like, holy crap, I I know how fast um from 18 to now went. And I think I have a lot less than that to live. And I'm like, that's good. Now my thoughts are on, you know, death. So that's awesome. And I'm like, Courtney, why are you doing this? Like, why are you spiraling into all of these negative fucking things when like there's good stuff happening? And then I'll go from all of these negative, horrible things to like in the morning, I'll be like, oh, fresh air, how beautiful. And oh, what a nice day. And I mean it. I'm like, wow, things are great. And you know, it's a new day, and I'm alive, and the fresh air, and the birds, and pretty view, and I have a family, and my family's, you know, healthy, and I have a roof over my head, and and I think that and I mean it, and I'm not trying to convince myself of it. I genuinely mean it. So then you know where my mind goes. I'm like, well, I'm just a fucking bipolar schizophrenic sociopath because I'm all over the damn place. But then I'm like, okay, I get like 0.5 seconds of sleep. So no wonder my brain is all over the place, and no wonder I am my hormones are all over it and I'm all over the place because I never ever sleep. And also up until recently, I was so fucking stressed out and overworked and had so many things going on in my personal life, and then working a million hours and working with people who were I, you know, anyway, and so you know, I just uh and now it's late or early in the morning, I should say, and I am just wide awake. And I know this sounds dumb, but when I was young, I used to actually like um color in a coloring book, or I would draw, even though I do not know how to draw, so I just draw like these random design thingies because it calmed my nerves. Like it would, I would outline and pen, and then I would color in in um crayon. And now they make adult coloring books. Why? Because it relieves stress, it totally relieves stress. I should have fucking cashed in on that man, I tell you. Because I do, or I'd whip out in my journal. I really did have a journal. I was one of those dear diary. I wouldn't do deer diary, but I would like write poems and shit, and you know, practice my name for what it would look like when I had my signature, you know, for when I because back in my day we had checks, which probably no one even knows what a check is anymore unless they're Generation X or you know, above. But um, you know, I'd practice my signature in cursive back when we used to write in cursive. And I would practice though if I got married and all of that crap. And now I'm like, man, I kind of do feel like coloring. I need to learn how to knit. I used to know how to um knit like a one of those chains. My grandma taught me that. But I don't remember, unfortunately. Just something to busy your mind, to occupy your mind, you know. I can't um whenever I try to read books, I fall asleep, which is good. It's like, okay, so do that, fall asleep. And that sounds awesome in theory. But here's the other problem. I will like right now, I have my candle. I don't have like a physical book that you can turn pages, you know. I just have like a candle. I'll start to do that, and then I fall asleep with my glasses, and then I get annoyed because then my glasses like get into the couch or whatever, and the iPad like falls on me and falls into the couch cushions, and I don't know. I just talk myself out of doing it. Maybe I should do like where um it's a book on tape kind of thing, and there's like a soothing voice. Not James Earl Jones, he has a very lovely voice, but I don't think I could fall asleep to it. I don't know. And Mike Rowe is too soothing, like almost too like I don't know, but I like um um oh my gosh. Why'd I just forget his name? Mama, what's uh why Morgan Freeman? He's got a nice voice. Anyway, I'm sure he does books on tape. I could try that. I don't know what my problem is, you guys. What is my fucking problem? Do you guys have this problem? Has anybody else had this problem where you're just like you're like, okay, I'll just I'm just gonna, you know. I even tried doing a game, this game called Roller Coaster Tycoon. I don't know. It's an old game, it's been out since the dawning of time. I don't even know how old. It's at least 20 years old, like at least. And um, but it's awesome. I love it. So I was trying to like play it just to like calm my nerves. And I was like, yeah, okay, that sounds awesome. I'm gonna do that. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So I set it up, set up my laptop, I get it all going, and then I'm in it for like 20 minutes, and then maybe half an hour tops, and then I'm like, my mind is so all over the place. Like, I am like squirrel. I am my attention span is that of a gnat. So then I'm like, okay, well, I'll go on a walk. And then I'll go on a walk, and I am like, I'm bored. I need a different change pace. And I don't know. I can't find a podcast I want to listen to. I can't find the right music I want to listen to. I did the yoga ball for a while. I did some stretching, and now it's like, okay, that's great, but I can't stretch all day. Like, what am I gonna do? Stretch all day? I read the Bible, I did that. I was reading some uh got my Bible on, get your Bible on, get your Bible on. I did that, okay. Um, walked the dogs a bunch, but I was bored while I was doing not bored because the dogs, I love the dogs. I was just and usually I'm like, I love nature, and I'm like snow white and the hills are alive with the sound of music. But I I don't know what my fucking problem is. I think I just miss my mom and I miss my dog, and I just I want to enjoy this stress freeness, but it's like in a month that I'm just already like missing things, and so it's like I feel like I want to celebrate this, but I feel like I want to celebrate it with people that aren't here, you know. And I have people here, don't get me wrong. I love my sons and I love my grandkids. I do very, very much. I'm not, it's just that it's I don't, I don't know. I don't know. I feel like I need to eat pray love thing. I think I'm just having a midlife crisis, but midlife would imply that I'm living to be over a hundred. So I mean, I am planning on that. That's my plan, that'd be great, but um I don't know. Is anybody out there um feeling this way? Has anybody felt this way? I started to say, is anybody out there as crazy and psycho as me, but I don't want other people to feel that they're crazy and psycho if they feel this way, unless we are, maybe we are. Maybe we need someone to tell us that. I'm feeling like I'm crazy. I don't know, man. I don't know. I thought maybe I'll watch like a good nostalgic movie. Oh, by the way, for fun, guess what else I'm doing all the time now? Crying. For one, I've always been, I don't know why, because I am not a coochie coup person. Um, but for some bizarre reason, ever since I was pretty young, weddings make me cry when they are fake weddings or real weddings, when they are people I know and people I don't know. It doesn't matter, like I said, if it's a TV show wedding. It doesn't matter if it is um a wedding that is real, that is on TV for some reason. It doesn't matter if it's a wedding that I'm at. Um, oddly enough, I didn't cry at my own wedding, though. Um, but weddings to me, I'm just like, oh my god, that's so romantic. Even though I'm like, if I had it to do all over again, I probably wouldn't get married. And um I would, if I did, it'd be like at a courthouse because I've already been there, done that kind of thing. But um I don't know. I love other people's weddings, and I get real invested in them, and I cry like a lot. But lately, everything freaking thing makes you cry. Everything. Everything. I am just a wreck, and again, I'm gonna blame the majority of it on not sleeping, but I don't know. And then again, um, it's April, and April's just kind of, but I don't know. There's just something else, and again, I think it's the whole I don't want to let my guard down because I it will all go to hell. I feel like if I take that breath, you know, I feel like if I finally like exhale, then everything comes crashing down, right? Like what if I like right now, I am I have my guard up and I have my shoulders up and I'm holding everything up, you know? But it's like that jank a piece. If I finally exhale, like it's just all gonna like like the house of cards kind of thing, you know? And I feel like my whole life has been that way. I feel like whenever I finally take that breath and I get like comfortable, that's when like the worst things happen. And I just I don't know how to live. Like I don't know how to sleep because at night I feel like I have to have one eye open, you know? I think that's just a thing with people that have been like abused and stuff in general, but also just like like I said, when my parents would come home, I had to sleep with one eye open, I had to be awake, I had to part of me could never fall asleep because what if the time that I fall asleep is the time that cigarette hits the ground and the time the house catches on fire, you know? Or you have to watch that door, you know, or you just I don't want to live my life like this though. It's not a good way to live. It's probably gonna be what like shorts my life and gives me a heart attack, and I want to live a long time so I can live to see my grandson, my grandkids and my sons, you know, to live their lives. And I want to be there for my animals and my friends, of course. I love my friends and I want to see myself succeed and be happy, and I want to see what that looks like, you know? I wanna I wanna see what that I wanna feel that, you know. I keep saying you know, you know, you know, I feel like I'm Jared Maguire, you know. Well, if anybody out there understands somehow what I'm talking about, I'm sorry because it's just so, you know, why do I keep saying you know? Ugh. Anyway, I just felt like, hey, when in doubt, do a podcast and just act like an ass and just completely be annoying to everybody. I'm sorry. I don't know. I just felt like, why not? Why not? I've done a podcast where I've been crying, and I've done a podcast where I've yelled like a banshee, and I did a podcast where I ended up not putting it up. Can't remember if I talked about this on my other podcast. See, that's what I'm talking about. Like, I'm getting dementia. I'm so tired, I don't even remember if I talked about this on my last podcast. But if I did, I apologize. So in case I did, I'll shorten it. But had a podcast that I did where I was not a happy capper. I was cussing way more than necessary, and I was pretty unhinged. Um, I was I was off the deep end and I was angry, and I have vowed that I don't want my grandkids or my sons to like know me as someone that's just like, you know, I'm always gonna be spicy and I'm gonna speak my mind and I'm not gonna let other people push me around. And if you come at me and you know, I am gonna stand up for myself, but I do need to learn to breathe and pause um and think before I react. And um, you know, it's just a good lesson for everybody, and I want my to lead by example. I'm trying very hard to lead by example and not be a hypocrite because I don't like hypocrites. And I can't be a hypocrite because then I'd be a hypocrite and I don't like a hypocrite. No, I'm saying, no, I'm saying. I don't know why I just said it like that. I'm just continuing on with the weird vibe, you know. And then I said, you know again. But like I said, we're just gonna go with it, just continue on with this crazy vibe I have going on. Plus, my stomach is like growling like crazy in the background. I don't know if you guys can hear that, but it is going bananas. Because again, I haven't even eaten today because every effing time I want to eat, I'm like, I'll be like, oh, you know it sounds good, and then I'm like, mm-hmm. And then I'm like, you know what sounds again? And then I'm like, mm. And then I feel like a bitch because I'm like, wow, first word problems, like I have too many options, and then I'm like, wow. But then I'm like, no, I'm not complaining about that. That's not my problem. It's just like I'm hungry and nothing sounds good, and then I think I want to eat, and then pretty soon it's been like two days, and I'm like, I don't think I've eaten in two days or slept, so that's a fantastic combination. So then, you know, I'm like, okay, well, I definitely need to, you know, do that. So on the plus side, I've been drinking water, not enough of it, but I've been drinking water, so that's good. And I'm maintaining a good mood, and I'm remembering to control the things I can and letting go of the things I cannot, so that's good. Um, but all in all, I'm just one um I don't want to say hot mess. That's so over said. That's so 2016. I don't know when that saying came out. I just pulled that. I'm gonna laugh if that came out in 2016. I gotta look that up. But who gets credit for stuff, by the way? Like I know that like we gave um Paris Hilton, that's hot. But it's like people have said that before, people have said that's hot, and maybe they've even said it like that before. And then Paris Hilton gets credit because she's like pretty much said it on camera. But like, what about people that have come up with stuff that aren't celebrities that you know maybe came up with things and didn't get the credit? Like, who gets the credit for coming up with the word fuck? Because everyone uses that word all the time. And who's the guy that's like, hey, I came up with that word? And they're like, mm-hmm, all right, Larry. Yeah, right. And this is way back in the whenever that word came out. And so, like, who gets credit for that shit? And like, who comes up with the words, you know, who's like one day came up with the word like bubble? And like, who saw a bubble and was like, Yeah, let's call that a bubble. Why? I don't know. Like, they didn't know about like what if you didn't know about science and all that back then? What if it wasn't a scientist that saw this bubble? And even if it was a scientist that saw the bubble, like how are they gonna know? Like, I don't know. This intrigues me. These are other things that keep me up at night. I go on a whole thing about how words came about. Like, these are the fucking things that keep me up. It's ridiculous. It's fucking ridiculous. Anyway, you know what is awesome though? You. You, you, and you. But not you. You suck. I'm just kidding. I'm just kidding. I'm just kidding. I'm totally joking. You all are awesome. I just wanted to throw that out there because I just figured who's gonna think I'm gonna say that? That's a weird thing to say. But like I said, we're just gonna keep on with this weird ass podcast. You don't suck. Nobody sucks that's listening to my podcast. You're clearly not only non-sucky, but you are like we talk about all the time, you have mental fortitude because I'm a lot to keep up with. I'm a lot to handle. I'm too hard to handle now, keep it mess around. How's it go? I'm too hard to handle now, mess around. No, I don't know. I can't get it in my brain all of a sudden. You know, I have the beat to like Taylor Swift shake it off in my brain today. So now I want to do everything. Um, I think Alexa just came on and I don't know why. So that's creepy. Why is Alexa talking to me? Okay. Anyway. I don't know. It's creepy though. On that note, so if you heard that, that was Alexa in the background. Not sure why she went off, but alrighty then. Anyway, I just wanted to say thank you. You clearly are um awesome if you listen to this podcast, because, well, I mean, obviously you have good taste, and like I said, you can clearly keep up with people that are so um sleep deprived that they can barely form sentences. And um, I appreciate that because sometimes I get off on tangents and I definitely digress. And um sometimes it takes me a while to loop back around, but I do get there. Like I said, I do want to note it that I get there eventually. So, you know, there is that. Oh my god, my stomach just went off again. So today you heard uh Alexa in the background, my stomach in the background, and a dog drinking out of a water dish in the background. So you're welcome. On that note, I'm gonna say thank you so much. I appreciate you. And remember to control the things you can, let go of the things you cannot, and um until next time.