The Crypt Keeper…

I am so dehydrated I feel like a cactus! I look like the crypt keeper. Seriously, I could pass for his stunt double. I need to drink water. Or at least some water. I honestly have zero clue how I’m alive considering how little I drink? 

Between being dehydrated, insomnia, stressing for no reason and my teeth, I am not aging well. I babble on about the effects of stress, lack of sleep and just all around not caring for yourself fully. 

I also discuss Facebook memories, taking a break from social media and energy. 

I talk about nature being so grounding for me. My sleep issues seem to disappear when I’m camping or surrounded by nature? I also discuss feeling connected to nature. Feeling the energy. Being connected to your surroundings.  

Transcript

SPEAKER_00 0:00

Hello and welcome to another episode of the Ramblings of an Insomniac. I am Courtney. I just realized I need to work on how I say another, because I say it like uh another, another episode. Like it's something that's like a terrible thing. But I say it like it's like, ugh, another episode. So I'll try it again. Hello and welcome to another episode of The Ramblings of an Insomniac. I'm Courtney. I don't know. That sounded stupid. We'll work on it. It's a work in progress. I mean, not really. I've had this for like two frickin' years now. So for those of you just tuning in, this is not a new podcast. I've had this out for like two years, but I don't I don't really do anything to promote it whatsoever. Um I get on TikTok um and YouTube and um X and Um I used to get on Instagram, but they've completely shadowbanned me, so has TikTok and YouTube actually. Um I'm on Facebook as well, but god I'm panting again because let me tell you, you know what a bad combination is? Don't get an iced coffee and then decide to go on a lengthy walk uphill. Yeah. Not a good combo, especially because I'm already crazy dehydrated. Really need to drink a lot more. I don't know how I'm alive. I really don't. I drink not even close. I'm like a cactus. I'm like a cactus, and I'm looking like a cactus. I'm looking like a shrivel. Every time I look at myself, I'm like, oh, damn, Gina, you've gone downhill. I found a picture. Facebook loves to rub shit in because it does the memories thing, and you would think memories, you're like, ah, memories, but sometimes it's like sad memories that you don't want to be reminded of, like someone passing away, and you're like, oh, I was fine, until Facebook memories popped up, and you're like, oh, and not that you'd forget when someone passed away, but it's like sometimes when you like see a visual reminder, it makes it you know different, and then other times it pops pops up things like there's a picture of me that I actually really like, and I was feeling all feeling myself that day, and I was like, I don't know, like 35-ish, and I was just real feeling myself, and so I took like one of my first selfies, and I'm like, Yeah, you get it, girl, get it, and then um I never take pictures of myself because I'm the most un-photogenic human on the planet, and so I uh I posted it and I was like, all right, and then it came up on Facebook today, or not today, but like the other day, and by the way, when a woman says the other day, it could mean anywhere from like five seconds ago to like four years ago, so um, but it came up and I was like, man, I used to be kind of cute, you know, and at least in that picture, anyway. And then I look at myself, and because I don't drink enough water, I um, because I'm an active person and I don't I don't eat great, that's for sure. We're not gonna lie about that, but I also don't eat horribly either. Uh-oh. Yard work. Uh we'll go this direction. Um, I also don't eat terribly, but it's the water. I'm looking like a shriveled up pruny, just dehydrated um cryptkeeper. It's pretty scary. I'm not into it. And then I've always had teeth issues, um, mouth issues. I grind my teeth a lot when I was a kid. I've talked about my sleep issues. I was a oh my god, that's why I didn't stay the night at people's houses. That's why I didn't go places because sleeping and I have always had a we have not had a good relationship. Um, I have had really horrible issues with sleeping. Um, and as I've talked about before, I used to have um issues with talking in my sleep, with walking in my sleep, um, and then I would grind my teeth and my jaw, like I hold my jaw, like I hold a lot of tension in my jaw. I don't realize how much I um hold tension in my jaw when I'm upset or stressed or whatever. And so down my teeth are all jacked up because they're all crooked and there's like no room for them. And so I have a tooth in the front that's poking out and looks horrible. Plus, my teeth are like yellow and disgusting, and I don't know why. I brushed my teeth, and I didn't even start drinking coffee until I was like fucking 35, 40, somewhere in there, and same with soda, and so and I've always you know I used to brush my teeth twice a day, I admit. Now I only do it once a day, which I know is terrible and I should floss. But point being, here's my point. See, again, if you listen to my podcast, you will get real quick that I will start to digress, and they're gonna be like, Oh, we lost her. Code, code blue, we lost her. But no, no, don't you worry, don't fret. Um, I I always come back around. I'm sure you guys thought when I got off on the cactus thing, and you know, uh, that I like went off on a tangent, but no, I I mean I did. But I come back around, okay? I always get there, and this is on no sleep, okay? Imagine I'd probably be a rocket scientist if I actually got sleep. I'm just kidding. The fact that I can form sentences and walk on the um on how little of sleep I've had in my life, um, I'm kind of proud of myself because I have looked into how much damage insomnia does, and it's a lot. And I'm already, like I said, I'm feeling the effects because another part is how you look and like how you age, and you know, stress. God, stress can just be a major factor on your body. And um, like I was talking about on my podcast the other day, I now have less stress than I've had in a really long time. I'm actually feeling not stressed, and yet somehow I managed to get myself worked up about something. Uh-oh. And it's not because I'm just hell bent on being negative, because I don't like being negative. I like going out. Dang it, hang on. Sorry, I had to pause it because there's like a lot of yard work going on because it's a pretty, it's a part of day. It's a part of day out today. Um, anyway, negativity can I'm not I don't seek out the negative. I don't. In fact, I do the opposite. I'm like, okay. I mean, of course I have my bad days, and of course I have my days where I'm a cranky ass bitch, and I'm like, meh, man, I, you know, but as a whole, that is not my nature. My nature is not a cranky person. Um, and I so I'm not stressed. See, I thought I was gonna lose it. I did. I almost for a second was like, what the fuck was I talking about? But again, came back around. Don't you worry. Um, I car, car, um I have been um genuinely thinking of positivity and letting go of the things I cannot control and focusing on the things I can and finding solutions and taking a breath, and it helps, you know. And I just um again I talked about this in my podcast um the other day. I say the other day, and it was last night, by the way, when I did that podcast. Last night. So again, the other day can mean five seconds ago, up to four years ago. Um, at least in my book, I'll speak for myself. I don't know why I say the other day, it's a very broad thing. So if you ever hear me say the other day, we don't know how long that is. That is, again, could have been an hour ago, it could have been four years ago. So, um, but in my podcast, I was talking about this. I was awake and I went to sleep at like three in the morning. And when I say sleep, I mean I tossed and turned and kind of drifted in and out of very non-rem sleep, and um I don't know what my effing problem is. I really don't, because again, life is good. I well, I told you what my problem is before. Um so if you haven't listened to my podcast, you'll have to because I don't want to have to waste people's time who have already heard it, but I basically the short version is I couldn't sleep last night because my stupid idiot brain of mine likes to make up nonsense and worry about things, but it's also because I just I come from um an abusive background, I come from um parents that were abusive to each other, and I have had uh physical, mental, and sexual abuse, and um I just feel like I always have to be on guard. I have to always keep one eye open. I have to make sure that I'm prepared, you know. And so I feel like if I relax, if I let my shoulders down and I take that real good breath, that actual breath, you know, exhaling, I can inhale, you know, I can take a breath in, like I say on my podcast all the time. I can do that, I can, you know, that, but to truly relax the full way as and just be like, hey man, you know, I'm walking with my shoulders all the way up, my shoulders back, my head up, um, and walking proud. I tend to always walk with just a tiny bit of a hunch because I'm just like, huh. But I should be walking up. If I'm gonna be on guard, I need to be walking up right, you know, not hunched over, because if I'm walking a little hunched, I look weak, and then I'm just screaming for someone to pick on me. But I'm just always keeping that eye open just in case, just in case, you know. But then it's like, okay, but then I'm not actually enjoying being happy. I'm not actually living. And what the hell kind of life is that if I'm just always like waiting for the shoe to the ball to drop? Waiting for the shoe to hit the floor, waiting for the shoe to hit the floor, let the bodies hit the floor. Anyway, is it waiting for the ball to drop? Waiting for the I don't know. You know what I'm saying? You know, insert whatever there. Um I just get I'm I'm just nervous anxiety energy sometimes at night. It's at night when all this comes out, you know, during the day, I can be like peace, love, and zen, I and I mean it, and it's not fake. I can be like loving the birds and you know, breathing in that fresh air and grateful and I mean it, and that's true, and it's not fake. And then at night, all of a sudden, every single scenario that could ever happen, it's like I prepare for. I'm like, okay, if you know, a burglar comes in, this is what we're gonna do. Okay, if an earthquake happens, this is what we're gonna do. Okay, if, you know, and I'm just like, if there's a blizzard, here's what we're gonna do. And it's like, okay, Courtney, it's you know, April, there's not gonna be a blizzard. But I will think of scenarios because I just want to be prepared. And I think that's normal for people with a life like mine when you come from very, you know, like I said, I've had three dads and I've had a ton of tragedy and a I've seen a lot, and I'm just want stability. So I need things to be stable. I need things to be, I don't like being around people that are chaotic. You know, everybody loves Jim Carrey and Robin Williams, and I think that they both, you know, Robin Williams seemed like a good person, and I have nothing against him, and Jim Carrey seems like a lovely person as well. Um, nothing against them. Of course, I didn't know Robin Williams or Jim Carrey, but nothing against them as humans. But I don't like that all over the place crazy energy. And I could never watch shows that they were in because it was just too like it's too much, and I can't watch like make-believe stuff. Um again, I I've talked about this. Sure, when I was a kid, I could pretend to be, you know, we always used to do cowboys and I'm sorry, we said cowboys and Indians back then. So cowboys and Native Americans, indigenous people. Um, but I don't mean to say that sarcastically, but I kind of do mean it sarcastically because well, although no, I don't, because an Indian would be, you know, someone from India. So actually, you know, that's like calling someone, you know, Hispanic that's from I mean Mexican that's from Spain. It's like, well, you know, they're two different people. So my apologies, I don't mean to say that snarky. Um but we would play, I could, I could do that. See, digress, but I got back. I can do that. I just am not a fan of um, like I like documentaries, I like biographies, I like um reality shows, even though, yes, I know a lot of reality shows or probably most of them are scripted, but just reality is in this is these are real people, this is happening. I just can't, I I like things that are true that I can um prove, things I can figure out. Um, I and magic to me is boring because I'm like, whatever, you're just and then I dissect the whole thing. I have to figure out, I'm not enamored by it. I'm just like, huh, let's figure out why that is. Same with like ghosts and spirits. I'm like, I'm not saying I believe in them or not. I'm just saying there are some times and there are some things. Like I've said, I feel like I've had houses that were haunted, and there because there were things that I tried to explain. I always try to debunk and I try to explain and I try to figure out first, always. I try to, you know, apply logic and reasoning to things. And after I've done that and researched and all of that, then I'm like, huh. And then even then, I'm not like, oh, that was definitely an alien or that was definitely a ghost, you know. Then I'm still like, well, it could have been. It could have been these things, you know. Maybe that's a possibility. I don't know. I'm just never one to just be a hundred percent like, yeah, I just don't trust. Again, it's that trust, it's trusting somebody else. I have to trust my own eyes and what I see and what I gather, and then even then, I'm like, wow, I just saw something or you know, witnessed something that I can't explain. Maybe someone else can, though. You know, that's in the back of my head. But yet when I'm out in nature and I'm by myself and I'm camping, I don't dissect anything. If you put a, you know, if I'm on a horse, it's just me and the horse. I'm not figuring out why the horse is doing what it's doing, why anything except for maybe just I just feel the horse. I feel the energy, I feel the connection, and we just get each other, you know. Sure, I do things like, oh, okay, if you're if you're doing this, what am I doing to make you do that? Like, how am I sitting? How is my posture? How is my personality? You know, what is my attitude like right now to make you behave this way? I'm clearly riding you wrong, I'm clearly sitting on you wrong, I'm clearly having the wrong attitude, whatever it is. I'm putting too much pressure or not enough pressure or whatever. But I'm not trying to figure them out as an I'm just like being. And when I'm camping, when I'm out, nature grounds me. I'm a Taurus, I'm an earth sign, I love earth. I used to run around with no shoes, you know. And somehow I've never been stung by a bee until I was 40 something. Um, but I used to just and I'm still that way, but yet again, at night, when I had the opportunity to stay in a tree house um in the middle of the jungle, um, at night, I slept like a baby. I didn't think about anything. Again, nature. It was a thatched roof, there were tarantulas, there were snakes, there were geckos, all kinds of stuff. I just I didn't care. Somehow I was like, whatever, it's nature. Anytime I'm camping at night, I can sleep. Maybe I just need to get a hammock and sleep outside. Nature grounds me. Nature just I know it sounds so hippie, you guys, but I just can feel that energy. And I've been talking about energy a lot because I think it's important. I think it's important to understand how we come across to people, even you know, like body language. People cannot say a single word. And you can totally understand what's going through someone's mind, you can get what someone's feeling by their body language. I think body language to me sometimes is more important or just as important as words, you know. And then same with energy. You know, I get vibes from people, it's instincts, you know. I think it's important to listen to that energy because instincts are energy, it's a vibe you're picking up, and that vibe is telling you to run or to be cautious or whatever it is. That's energy. So I've just been like really trying to ground myself, but man, and when I'm not home, when I'm not at my own house, you know, like I said, I am I'm dog sitting. The dogs and I ended up going on a walk, but I'm in a neighborhood where I can't just be out in the middle of the night walking dogs because I look like a frickin' creeper. I look so out of place, and I don't want people to be like, uh, even though I'm walking dogs and it's a free country, and you know, but still, I feel that in this neighborhood I I stand out. So um I do that a lot though. I'll go out in nature um in the middle of the night and go out and just listen to the frogs and the crickets and oh man, I used to when I lived, um I used to live in a city, but we had this roof that you could climb up to the attic and go sit on the roof because it was kind of flatter. And on warm summer nights I would do that a lot in the middle of the night when I couldn't sleep, I would just sit on the roof and look at the stars. And then when I lived by the beach, I lived a couple of blocks from the beach, and I would go out and I would sneak out. My parents would be passed out, and I would sneak out and go down to the beach and just lie there and look at the stars and listen to the ocean and smell the ocean, and man, it just made me so I just felt good, you know. Which looking back, you know, that's kind of scary that I would do that because I would do that like in eighth grade as a freshman, so that's really young, and um, you know, I feel like times were safer then, but probably not. We just didn't know about all the crap then. Um, and actually in like the 80s and 90s, a lot of kids were kidnapped. That was like the milk carton days, you know. Um, and you know, I'd be mortified if my kids snuck out. But I love my parents, and I'm not trying to speak ill of them, but a lot of times they were passed out and they were drunk. They didn't know I was gone and I wasn't doing anything bad. I wasn't drinking, I wasn't, I just and I lived in actually a very safe neighborhood. And just because you live in a safe neighborhood doesn't mean that you are immune from crap. But that is what I would do to ground me, you know. I can't live in a city. I need that like grass, I need that fresh air. Although I'm in a city now, and it's actually quite beautiful, and you can see a skyline, and that's actually kind of cool at night. I mean, the city has its own beauty. I'm not knocking the city, the city has a lot of benefits, and there are a lot of pros to a city, and nighttime skyline skyline is beautiful. Um, so I'm not, you know, to each his own. There's a lot of people that my ex-boss, we used to tease each other because she's like, I don't want to live in the country. I don't want dusty things, I don't want critters, I don't want to have to wipe my feet. I don't want, she's like, I want to be, you know, around stuff. I want to be social. I don't want dust everywhere, I don't want critters everywhere, and I don't want a big yard to maintain. I'm gonna be older and maintaining a yard sounds terrible. And I'm like, no, not me, man. I want like lots of property just so that no one can be around me, you know, and I don't really want to maintain it either, but I just don't want. a lot of people around me and I don't mean that rude. I'm not trying to say I don't like people. Again, I'm just an only child. I've been used to being by myself. I grew up just very introverted and I again I just want to be with animals and in nature and you know take my pictures and ride horses and you know this is my bohemian hippie side so I call myself a conservative hippie. A bohemian conservative a conservative bohemian I don't know although conservatives love nature I don't know why people act like conservatives are out hunting and fishing and out in nature all the dang time. We need to stop this including myself I took a huge break from social media. I haven't been on social media in a while because I'm getting sucked into the negative I'm getting so sucked into all of the shitty people in the world. And since I've been in this neighborhood I've been walking dogs I've been walking their dogs every day several times a day and I have run into people that are nothing but nice and go out of their way to say hello of all races and all ages. And they go out of their way to nod or to say hello or to tell me they like my you know sunglasses or whatever. And then there's a store nearby that I went into to grab a couple of things and um I've gone in there a couple of times now I've walked in there and they are the loveliest people always tell me to have a blessed day and when I ask them how their day is they say every day's a good day when you're alive. Every day is blessed when you're alive and I'm like a men you know a men that is that is the truth and this thing with me not being able to sleep because I'm worried that something is gonna happen I'm just like come on Courtney you're finally like doing what you want to do you have the job that you want you are your own boss you have your own schedule you are seeing dogs and animals um not just dogs but animals and you are in a position now where you're gonna be okay you are okay things are good things are okay so embrace that and that energy again if I'm putting that positive energy out there then now I'm surrounding myself with that energy not the negative not the negative energy where I'm now kind of sealing my fade or I'm you know um the oh my gosh see I'm tired so now I forgot the saying I'll think of it in a minute um oh my god it was on the tip of my tongue anyway I just I I don't want to be um putting that bad energy out there so I'm like I'm going on a walk and it's daytime and the birds are chirping and the sun is shining and I've got two dogs with me that are awesome and good dogs and I am gonna focus on that um but you know it's hard just like when people are like when someone's depressed and someone's suffering from serious depression not just a bad day or just a you know oh man I'm having a bad day I'm kind of bummed out but from actual depression I hate it when people are like oh just snap out of it and just like smile just like do things that make you happy it's like well depression is it's not that easy that's why it's depression because you can't just snap out of it it's hard to just snap out of you know you can't just go oh you mean that's all you that's all I have to do why didn't I think of that well of course because that's a silly thing to say and I know people mean well but it's like that's why it's depression because you can't snap out of it you can't just think happy thoughts rainbows on kitten no it's not rainbows on whiskers on kittens and something about mittens and something and something and something don't remember the words see again this is why when you know oh now we've got a uh hang on this is when you know I deposit because there's again yard work going on and although I let a lot of things slide and I you guys hear a lot of weird shit there was a car and a plane and a weed eater all at the same time that's a little much but um anyway I shouldn't do a podcast when I can't remember stuff that's when you know my insomnia is my brain's all mushy because I can't remember the words to the song well I would if I stopped and thought about it for a moment but oh now I'm going up a steep one working out my glutes Lord knows man I am in shape in a lot of ways but these wrinkles I have gotta hydrate hydrate people water is important if you don't you're gonna look like me and be a shriveled old prune and I used to be a decent looking woman and uh now not so much. Ooh all right working those glutes feel the burn feel the burn is Richard Simmons still alive I need to look that up gene Fonda though what a frickin' nut job that woman has turned into well maybe she's always been but man she is an uptight she needs to relax that woman has a gigantic rod up her derriere and you can tell she comes from you know she was married to all these wealthy people and of course she has her own money who sorry I'm really panting but um that lady she's off her rocker um but she's an attractive woman though I have to say I don't remember how old she is but she looks good I don't know if she's had surgery she has taken care of herself so but drink water so you're not looking wrinkled and plus it's just important. Hydration man you know what else is important for me to tell you how much I appreciate you there are people from countries I've never heard of there are people from all over the world listening to me and I appreciate it so stinking much I'm gonna pause for a minute before I die and I'm gonna die on my podcast in the middle of my podcast although have you ever noticed when people die is when suddenly like an artist you know that's been struggling and struggling and then they die and all of a sudden their artwork is worth more same with like basketball stars or athletes athletes when they pass away suddenly their cards or um whatever are worth more that's kind of crappy but anyway um thank you so stinking much for listening to my podcast it means the world to me no matter what country you're from no matter what your background is no matter what you believe in don't believe in um whatever I you're welcome here I say it all the time I talk about a lot of um things that are gonna piss people off and I am not everybody's cup of tea I pick on a lot of countries um poor France and Canada and just basically all of Europe and yet if you're from any European country and you're from Canada and you still listen to me fuck yeah you rock honestly you're fucking awesome um because I pick on your countries again I pick on my own country I pick on my own race I pick on my own gender I pick on I'm an equal I'm truly an equal equal opportunity person I uh pick on everyone so thank you for listening to me even if sometimes I piss you off even if sometimes you have you know you think I've lost my I I'm like unhinged and lost my mind you still listen thank you thank you thank you from the bottom of my heart it means the world to me um again I am on YouTube um TikTok Instagram and um X and Facebook under Ramblings of an insomniac tell a friend tell a neighbor tell a coworker tell a partner tell everyone shout it from the rooftops Ramblings of an insomniac thank you so very much and oh remember to let go of the things you cannot control and focus on the things you can and remember to breathe thank you so much until next time