I Cry A Bit…

Alright, I’m not going to lie. This episode gets off to slow start. I get far too side tracked by crickets and coyotes. 
I get back on track and discuss the reasons for my 1:00 am episode. Which include: stress, PTSD, anxiety, anger and sadness. I am feeling all of the emotions, hard. 
I talk about my mom and the relationship I have with my son. Which isn’t good.  I cry a bit. Then pull it together.  
I discuss perspective. The fact there are people complaining about algae when homes are burning! The fact our own government will literally watch us burn, for their own gain. They’d rather create a pandemic, shut down businesses, force injections, keep us away from loved ones and burn cities,  than have our best interest.  
I talk about those that feel the need to search for things to whine and complain about.  
 I’m absolutely sick of it and I do not mix my words! I will offend people. I say some things you may find out of line? Too descriptive? I said I would be genuine. Well, I am. This is your disclosure….

Transcript

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SPEAKER_00 0:01

Hello, and welcome to another episode of the Ramblings of an Insomniac. I am Courtney. Good morning, good evening, good afternoon. Um, as you guys can hear, it's await. I don't know if you guys can hear the coyotes. Can you hear the coyotes? There's the coyotes. The crickets are I don't know if these are cicadas, crickets. I don't know. But you can hear the coyotes maybe. I don't know if you can hear them in the background, but hi. Um, good evening. I haven't done a podcast at night in a long time. And maybe the crickets and the coyotes and all these noises, they might be a little overwhelming, but it is dark. It is dark. The stars are out. It is a beautiful night, but it is pretty darn dark. It's like one o'clock in the morning. Wow. I haven't been out here in a while, and I think it's like a new moon. So there's like no freaking moon in the sky, and it's dark, but let me tell you, the stars are really freaking pretty. Oh my god, you guys, can you hear that? Holy cow. I don't know if you guys can hear the coyotes, but they are really going, and I think right now it means they are rattling like, hey, we got something, we got something, which makes me sad because coyotes, I'm sorry, but they're little fucking bastards, and I am an animal lover. I'm a huge advocate. I absolutely love animals. I do, I'm an advocate, I am, but coyotes are just a gigantic nuisance. They're they're overpopulated, way overpopulated. And every time you shoot one, they just repopulate. So when they do that, ow, ow, ow, and it's to get a census. Um, I mean, they have different times sometimes, you know, like right now. I think this is howling, and don't quote me on people that know coyotes more than me, but right now I think they might have got a kill, but they also do like a census um howl, you know, where they'll call out to get a census and they'll wait to hear how many, you know, answer, and it kind of gives them an idea of how populated they are. And so they do tend to um so they will, if you shoot them, they just repopulate and they're like, oh, time to make war. We gotta do a census. Are we getting down? Are we getting down? Oh, ZD, don't be down here, honey. Oh, my cat's coming down here, but the coyotes are out. Honey, let's not be down here. This isn't a good time. You gotta stay next to me then, okay? You can be this is ZD. ZD is my Siamese, and uh he is my shy guy who just pretty much likes me. Um but coyotes are just little bastards, and I'm sorry, I understand everybody's gotta eat circle of life. I get it, but they're just fucking douches, and there's way too many of them, and I hate them. Right? Yeah, TD does too. God, you guys, if my cat were making noise and all the crickets weren't going, like they are really loud right now. Anyway, I don't want my whole podcast to be you guys listening to crickets and coyotes and stuff. I just haven't done one in a while where I'm outside at night. Um, it's been a long time since I've done an evening podcast, and I didn't really prepare. I have no coat, and it's a kind of chilly night. It's a little bit of a chilly evening. I should get something on, but I can't. I'm antsy. My brain is I can't fucking sleep. I'm missing my mom. I'm feeling guilty over so many things. She was um delusional. She was seeing things, she was um, I didn't realize how septic she was because again, I was kept away from her. Thank you very much, Biden administration, um, for keeping me away from my mom.

SPEAKER_02 4:22

And she called me telling me she was seeing things, and so I had to report it to the med techs and everybody there, and she ended up getting septic, and she died, and I should have pressed the issue more, I should have done more, and I can't sleep because I'm just up thinking of like all the things I could have done, and I should have listened to her more. And I can't sleep because I feel like I should have listened more, I should have pressed more, you know. Like when someone's septic, I feel like it's because they didn't get the attention that they needed, you know. And she didn't.

SPEAKER_00 5:12

She didn't get the attention that she needed because the fucking Biden administration decided that they were going to, for their own selfish gain, their own power, their own money, their own fucking selfish ways, may they all just burn in fucking hell. I'm sorry. I'm not sorry. I hope they're all used as lab rats, every one of them. Because my mom is dead and so many people have died needlessly that didn't have to and shouldn't have.

SPEAKER_01 5:45

And I can't sleep because my mom is gone, and I didn't get to properly say goodbye, and I have guilt over making her move here. I pressed the issue, but she couldn't live alone.

SPEAKER_00 6:00

She couldn't live alone, and we didn't have the means to get her an in-home care giver, and she made only $300 too much to have the state pay for it. So my mom is yet another elderly person that just gets left in the fucking dust by our system. And yet, all certain groups of people can bitch about is algae in the reflecting pool. Seriously, go fuck yourself. Honestly, go fuck yourself with a double-ended dildo dildo with your algae. Honestly, I've said this on another episode, and I'm gonna say it again because I mean it. But seriously, go screw yourself. I'm so fucking tired of people making up shit to worry about. Spokane's on fire, Washington's on fire, Oregon's on fire, people have lost their homes, lost loved ones, lost animals. And you're gonna sit there and make up stuff and pretend that you're oppressed, and then try to gain sympathy over a made-up thing because you're a selfish motherfucker that wants all eyes on you, and you don't give a shit who you step on to get there. You don't care who you set on fire to get there, literally and figuratively. You don't care who what you do to get there. You don't care if it's start a pandemic to get there, you don't give a fuck if it's gonna make you money. Well, then why don't you do it? That's how certain people think, and that's what certain people have done. And then all the rest of us just suffer. And then we pay in to insurance companies that right before fire season somehow legally are allowed to just drop you. So you pay in and you pay in, and then they're like, oh, just kidding, and then when you need them, and when you pay for, you know, when you pay for that, they're like, oh, I'm just kidding, we're gonna completely sell you out and leave you high and dry. We're gonna leave you fucked. We're just gonna leave you fucked. While we rake in the cash and we laugh, and we're like, wah ha ha ha. And we're like a bunch of like, they look like the jokers sitting around a table just laughing and cackling and rubbing their hands together. They do things at our expense and they don't fucking care at all about us. And now I can't sleep at night. I don't have a mom. What I do have is a son who fucking hates me for who knows what fucking reason, because he's an entitled fucking asshole, and I was too exhausted to parent. It's not that I did gentle parenting, it's that I just did tired, exhausted parenting. I had cancer, and then I had meningitis, and I have was going through a divorce, and I was working full-time, and I had two kids, and I was going to all their functions. So it was called exhausted, and it shows because we don't get along, and he hates me, and he tells me all the time, and he loves to tell me the ways in which I should die and how he hopes that I die. Isn't that a nice thing to hear from kids, from sons? That's always great, especially ones that you've bent over backwards for. And then they accuse you of things that you've done many years ago and you don't do anymore, or things you've never done in your life ever, and give no praises whatsoever. Instead, they just pick every opportunity, even when your mom dies, to kick you. No matter what horror, even when your dog dies, kick you. They wait for that moment of when you're at you're you're just really having a hard time. People are dying and you're sick and you have so much going on and you're so stressed, and you're doing it all on no sleep, and you're doing it all for them. And they just wait and wait until you just can't handle anymore, and then they kick and they kick and they laugh about it, and they like it, and they get off on it. And when it's your own family, when it's someone that everybody has just done nothing but help and help and help, and then that same person, if you god forbid, look at them sideways, loses their ever-living fucking mind and can't handle the teeniest, tiniest bit of criticism at all, or they lose it. And this is a grown-ass adult. But loves to tell everybody else how to live. Loves to tell everybody else how they should handle stuff, loves to tell everybody else what a piece of shit they are. Meanwhile, has done nothing to help anybody. The things that they've done to help are because they owe it to people, because they're like, you know, not paying rent and stuff or food or paying for bills. So the way that you help is by, you know, contributing around helping out around the house, doing work around the house. That's how you can contribute. These aren't favors, these aren't things that you're doing for someone. This is what you're doing because if you don't have money and you can't help someone with money, then you help around the house. That's not you doing somebody a favor. That's not what it is. And so it gets really old when someone constantly is like, oh my god, you're always so stressed. Like they're annoyed that your life sucks. I would understand about the things that I created myself, like I talk about on all of my podcasts. I get consequences. I get if I make my bed, I should lie in it. I've said it a hundred times. I've picked the wrong people many times. It's my fault. I've taken accountability for that. But there's many, many, many things that have happened in my life that had zero to do with my choices or anything that I have done. It's just that for some reason I was put on this earth to just be a shit scooper or to be I'm sounding like a victim and a martyr, but my life has been very hard. It really has, and it has been things that I have not done, things that I have not chosen, things that have happened to me when I was a kid, things that have happened to me as an adult that I had no control over. People dying. People always die on my birthday, always. I've said this before. On my ninth birthday, my dog got hit by a car, and then my dad died up on Mount Hood on my ninth birthday. I had a grandma that has died on a birthday. I had another grandma that died the day after my birthday. I had a cousin that died on my birthday, and then my friend that I've known since fourth grade, her father, who was like a father to me, who I grew up with, who helped pretty much raise me, died on my birthday. And, you know, Prince died on my birthday. Not that, you know, that really matters, but I'm just saying, like, I've had a lot. I've had a lot of abuse, I've had a lot of fathers, I've had a lot of abandonment, I've had a lot of things, and I've had many kinds of abuse. And you know what? I don't make excuses. I've done podcasts about that too. I don't make excuses. I have reasons. I have reasons. I have reasons to be stressed, I have reasons to be anxious, I have reasons that I don't sleep. I have reasons that I constantly go into a room and I check out my environment and I look at what's normal, what's not normal, I observe where the exits are. I have reasons I used to sleep with a million stuffed animals piled around me. And I just saw a falling star, by the way. Maybe someone's looking out for me. Maybe it's my mom, you know. I just can't handle this. I can't.

SPEAKER_02 13:35

Like. I just feel like I try, despite things that have happened to me, and I don't make excuses.

SPEAKER_00 13:46

And I still am a good person, and I still help people out, and I still get up every day. I still work hard. I still help. I still try. I still, like I said, I don't make excuses. And there's just always people trying to put me down. And now we have people telling me I need to be ashamed of myself because I'm white. Like I didn't fucking do anything to you. I'm tired of people coming at me that only I'm doing is just trying to help. I'm tired of being called racist, I'm tired of being called a Nazi, I'm tired of being told I have to inject myself with something or else. And meanwhile, everybody else gets to do whatever the fuck they want, including assassinating people if they disagree. Meanwhile, I can't wear a t-shirt you don't like. I can't wear a fucking t-shirt that you don't like, but you can assassinate people just willy-nilly. You can argue and bitch and moan over fucking algae, but my mom is dead because of your fucking policies. So shut up. Everybody is tired of your bitching and your moaning and your complaining. Everybody is tired. Listen. That's what people want to hear is crickets from you guys. From and by you guys, I mean everybody out there complaining about algae, complaining about how you know they're not getting enough attention. Meanwhile, states are burning down right now, and people have no homes, and people have lost loved ones over policies that you guys are somehow claiming that someone right now in office is a dictator when you all made us, again, have the National Guard marching down our streets. There's so much going on in the world, and you guys are just making up things to complain about, and it's so frustrating because meanwhile, over here, I'm going through actual hard times. I'm actually for real struggling. And yeah, I'm white, and guess what? White people can have a hard time too. So go seriously, I'm so tired of whiny ass people that are so bored or so hate themselves so much they have to go, white privilege. Shut the fuck up with your white privilege, Dijon A. Just oh God. So I can't sleep. We have to worry about going through drive-throughs now without some crazed person shooting you through a drive-thru? Like, seriously, this is where we're at right now. This is where we are. How are we here? How how have we got to the place where we're just killing people as if it's nothing? Like it doesn't even phase anyone anymore. How are we not phased by death now? We just move on to the next thing. We just find the next thing to bitch about. We just forget about Charlie Kirk. We forget about No Kings. We forget about the whole um, you know, Venezuela, we forget about it's just we just everything is just in two seconds. It's why don't we care longer? Why don't we actually care? Why are things so fleeting and why are we used to death? I'm not used to death. I'm tired of it. I'm sick of it. I don't want it. And there are groups of people who seem to want it a lot and they use it as an excuse to go unalive anybody and everybody they want over everything they want, and then they get GoFundMe pages to help them out with it. Like that's where we are. You know. Oh god, I can't. I don't know how we got here, but I I can't do it. I can't I f I can't sleep. I'm anxious. I'm pacing around at one in the morning, just fucking anxious, you know, talking into my phone right now to a bunch of strangers. And I don't drink, I'm not drinking, I'm not on any drugs. This is just called exhausted and sad and frustrated and stressed and traumatized and scared and sad. So I don't know if anybody else is feeling this way and you're up too. And if you are, I'm sorry. What is that noise? Oh my god. And if I die. What am I listening to right now? Hello. Uh Rip? Okay. Come on, Z. Let's go over here. Um, come on, Z. Anyway, I don't know if anybody else out there is feeling this way, and if you are, I'm genuinely sorry, and I hope you're not. Come on. Uh, I hope you're not. I really do. I hope you're not up here feeling the same way, looking up at the stars, or looking out at the sun. I don't know what time of day it is, or looking out at your name. I don't know. My point is, I don't need to describe the scene. You know what I'm saying. I hope you're not feeling sad. And if you are, I'm sorry, and I'm sending you as much love and hugs and support as I can from you know where I am. Thank you so much. I really appreciate everybody listening. You know, we're all not perfect. We're all, did you guys think I forgot? I said every episode I would I would say that figure out a way to say that we're not perfect. And I you might have thought I forgot, but no. We're not perfect, so I'm gonna get on here sometimes and I'm gonna be crying and losing it, and I don't know, but anyway. Thank you honestly for listening. I know you guys have so many options, and this is just a dumb old podcast that you know I'm doing into my phone. So the fact that anybody listens at all means the world to me. Thank you, thank you, thank you. Shout out everybody here in the States, and shout out to Singapore and Japan, because you guys have been kicking ass on um taking names at listening to my podcast. And shout out to everybody, of course, no matter where you are and how many times you've listened to me. I appreciate everybody all the time. Remember to take a deep breath. Um remember to control what you can and let go of the rest. Thank you so much. I'm gonna try to do that right now. I'm gonna try to remember that. I'm gonna try to take a deep breath. I'm gonna try to control what I can, which is maybe looking at the stars for a bit and listening to the crickets and coyotes, although there's something out there that's a little creepy, a bit, but I think I'm just being a weirdo. But anyway. So if you don't get a podcast, maybe whatever's out here ate me. I don't know. I'm just kidding. I'm just kidding. Um, but uh, can you hear the train? Kinda cool. New sounds for this podcast. We've got trains, we've got coyotes, we've got crickets, we've got my cat. You know, I tell you, each time you listen, you're just gonna hear you're gonna hear different stuff. So anyway, thank you so much. Until next time.