Regrets…..

In this episode I discuss regrets. I feel regrets and guilt cause big health issues. There’s nothing you can do to change the past. All you can do is learn and move forward. If you continue to make the same mistakes, they are no longer mistakes. It’s intentional. You are failing to grow and are seeking drama. Mistakes happen once or twice. Beyond that, maybe it’s your choices? 
I love this quote, “if, ifs were fifths, we’d all be drunk.” 
I also discuss music and memory. 

Transcript

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Hello and welcome to another episode of the Ramblings of an Insomniac. I'm Courtney. Hello, good morning, good afternoon, and good evening to ya. Top of the morning. I don't know why I said that, because it's not March and it's not morning anymore. I just felt like saying it. Plus, I don't have a good accent of any sort. So that was probably not the most uh that wasn't the wisest decision. But at any rate, you're probably gonna hear a refrigerator in the background and some buzzing, which may or may not come through as annoying. And I feel like people have told me that my phone is being weird. So I'll have to listen to this episode and see how it sounds, and you know, if I allow the usual crap nonsense in the background, or I might have to redo this. We shall see. Um, and I keep seeing I'm at I'm dog sitting for somebody, and I keep seeing on the corner of my eye this shadow. She's got a flag like one of those um those porch flags and porch kites or wind socks or whatever hanging, and the sun keeps hitting it, and then it the shadow of it keeps bouncing off on this little window that she has next to her door, and so it keeps looking like someone is coming up to the door, and it is tripping me out, man. It gets me every time. Um, anyway, hi, hello, welcome, welcome, everybody from near and far. Um, again, I say this all the time, but I love it. There are people from all over the world, the world, not just America, although everybody in America that listens, obviously, I'm crazy appreciative of, appreciative of, um, but there are people from all over this big ol' rock. And um, and it's pretty sweet. I love it. So thank you. Thank you if you're tuning in uh for the first time or somewhere in the middle, or maybe you have been listening to me since day one, and to the OGs, the original Insomniacs. Thank you. If you guys have been holding tight with me since day one, I wish I could do something for you. Um, I wish I could give you a shout out. I'm giving you, I'm gonna do my uh running man ready. And a little sprinkler. And a little. I'm not being condescending. That's a little dance for you. Um, although since I don't do my podcast on a video, you couldn't see it. But just know I really was. In fact, the dog that I'm sitting for is looking at me like, okay, she's at it again. Random bursts of dance and song. I kind of feel like Jessica Day on New Girl sometimes, minus the good voice and the good looks. Um, but I love to just randomly start singing. The problem is more often than not, it seems like I'll only know a few verses to a song or just like the chorus. And then there are times that I get so frustrated when I will only know like one line of a song, not even the whole chorus, not even the entire chorus, just like one line. And that one line of a song gets drilled into my brain and it gets stuck in my head all forking day. Drives me bananas. Um, but when I do know words to songs, I'm not gonna lie, I will absolutely be in the middle of cleaning or something, um, or I'll be caring for a dog and I'll start singing to the dog. And um I will absolutely dance around and sing because why not? I agree with Jessica Day. It's fun. It's fun to just randomly sing. I mean, why not? The entire point, I mean, there are so many studies about music and how it helps people, even people with memory issues with like dementia, a lot of times will sit down at like a piano and just start playing the piano. That's pretty freaking amazing. I mean, to like not remember names of people or not remember, you know, who you are or where you are, but then be able to sit down and play a piano because you just have that in your memory, or like how we remember lyrics of songs from like 40 frickin' years ago. I still remember somehow um the lyrics to like every word of like 80s songs. How is that? I think that's amazing. It's like music, and that's how you learn things. That's why the alphabet, you know, A, B, C, D, E, F, G, don't you guys like it when I sing off-key and terribly? Um, but you know, you do it to music because it helps you memorize things, it helps you remember. And how fascinating. You know, I've said this before, but I've tried to take piano lessons and both my piano teacher died, and um, both of my piano teachers died. One of them was pretty elderly, and the other one really wasn't. So I was like, dang, uh this is when I was younger. I could understand now because I'm a handful, but I was a good kid, dang it. Um, so I wish that, you know, I heard this this um this quote from a uh chef on Chopped, and now I forgot his name. I f it's not Lester, but uh anyways, he was he was a chef on CHOPT that became um quite the the chef, and he's from like Bronx, New York, and he said, if ifs were fifths, we'd all be drunk. And I love that, and it resonated me with me because I'm like, man, if only I had learned another language when I was younger, when things I could retain things um a lot easier. Now my brain is all insomniac and I never get sleep and I just don't remember, so I don't retain things as well. And so um, oh shoot, I just rubbed my eyeball a whole bunch forgetting that I actually have makeup on today and I never wear makeup, and so I just rubbed mascara all over. Ah, shoot. Anyway, um, I don't retain things, but when you're younger, like my grandson um was being taught sign language, and he picked it up in two seconds, and they started teaching that to him when he was one. And he's now four and he still remembers it. And sign language, people forget, a lot of people forget that sign language is another language, and it's something you can if you can find a job like at a courthouse or wherever that they need an interpreter that they need someone to sign, you make good money for that, and what a cool job to have. And it really is another language, and it's universal. Well, I don't know if it's universal because I know there's American sign, so that means that if there's American sign, then I know there's like yes, I don't remember what the other is called, but um, you know, so I don't know if it's like universal. If everybody learns American Sign Language and you can go to like Italy. I apologize, I don't know what that buzzing is. I think someone is doing yard work outside. Nope, it's a plane flying over. All right, all right, somebody is mowing their lawn, so we'll try to go in here. But anyways, American Sign Language. Great, great, great thing to learn. It's I think people forget about it, but my um grandson knows it, and I think that's amazing. And when you're young, if you teach them different languages, they tend to retain it um better. And what an awesome thing to know if you are older and on your resume you have sign language and or another language, you know, Spanish or Russian or whatever. How amazing is that? You could get a job so many different places. Plus, it just helps you. The more you learn, of course, you I feel like you can't have enough information, you can't have enough education. In fact, I wish people had more, you know. Sometimes you can be overloaded, of course, but um I just I if if if you know there's always those regrets, no regrets. Not even one, not even one letter. What's that off of, guys? We are the millers. Friggin' love that movie. Oh my god, so quotable. I always say, you do use Scotty P. That's such a good movie. Um, I've watched it way too many times. Um, anyway, so I was thinking about that. That I wish I would have done different things. And I don't want to live my life like that where I'm regretting. So I try not to look backwards because there's nothing I can do about the past. I can't help things that I've said and done I can only, you know, or didn't do or didn't say, I can only try to fix those things, try to correct them, try to be better, right? That's all we can do is go forward. And if we continue to make the same mistakes, well then they're not mistakes anymore. They're not accidents anymore because you're continuing to do them, right? You're not learning any type of lesson, and you're not, if you're not learning from your mistakes, then they're not mistakes anymore. You're just actively trying to sabotage yourself, you know. You're actively trying to make your life miserable or other people's lives miserable. And when you're doing that, it's like, why? You know, why are you not wanting to be a better person? Why don't you want your life to be more successful or happier, or you know, someone else in your family's life to be more successful or happier? Why are you trying to sabotage their life, your life? Why not do the best you can, be the best you can, and make your life as happy as it can be while you're here, right? We're not here very often, we're not here very long. Well, some of us might be. Apparently, like I've said before, apparently, if you're a gigantic arsehole, if you just are a piece of crap, apparently you do live forever. Sorry, I really want to get away from this mower, but no matter what room I go to in this house, you can hear it. So uh, we'll see how annoying it is for you guys. But uh, she doesn't have a very big yard, and she's like some 80-year-old woman out there with an electric mower going to town. You go, girl, I love that. Anyway, um, I just feel like if you're not gonna learn, then why are you just making everybody else's life miserable? You're just out here for your own, for you, you know, and we have enough selfish people. We really do. I feel like we are at our max fill, we're at the fill line, you know. We're at overkill right now with idiots and selfish people, you know. I want to see more people, I want to see people going out of their way. I mean, I know there are those people. I believe. Again, I say this every time. I believe like Luke Bryant does, I believe most people are good. Um, I do. And I do believe most mamas qualify for sainthood. Uh however, lately the moms on social media are turning into psychopaths. And I again, I did a pot, I did an episode on my podcast about it's called Trending, about this, but somehow now it's trendy and cool for moms to get on social media and do abusive things to their child, to their newborns, to their babies, to their babies doing things that are harmful, and they're doing it on social media on a video in support of Lindsay Clancy. Yes, I said her last name. I've known her last name. I just didn't want to say it because I don't feel like people like her should, you know. But I'm already talking about her. So, but I I I hope I don't know why that's becoming a trend, and I really do hope those people get their child taken away. And I hope, you know, there's a special place in hell for them. But I do believe most people are good, and I do believe most mamas qualify, and and fathers and people. I think most people are good. I really do. Um, but man, we could use more, right? There's never, I don't feel like there's such a thing as too many good people. We do have to have bad in the world. I get it. You have to have because without with good comes evil, you know, with happy comes sad, with hot comes cold, you know. You're up when you're down, you're wrong when you're right. It's black and it's white. We fight, we break up, we kiss, we make up. Okay, I didn't do it in the right order and I don't sound good, but anyway, like I get it. We have to, because without the other, you can't appreciate, you know, you can't appreciate one without the other. If we didn't have the bad, we wouldn't appreciate the good and all those cliche things. I get it, I get it. But man, I I want to outweigh the good. I mean the bad, excuse me. I want the good to outweigh the bad. I want the educated to outweigh the ignorant. And if you're ignorant, that's not a bad thing. People act like that's a bad word. Ignorant just means you're not educated in that thing. I am ignorant in many topics. There are many things I am ignorant about, meaning there are many things I'm uneducated on. Uneducated on? Uneducated about. There are things I'm not educated. Anyway, see, apparently grammar and how to speak the English language and form sentences. Apparently, I'm, you know, I graduated from America, from the American high school, from Oregon education system. This is what you get when you graduate from an Oregon high school. You're stupid. Um, or you're an American. Anyway, point being, um, regrets are no fun. You don't want to live your life being regretful. So all you can do is be like, all right, how can I be a better friend, a better family member, a better partner, a better coworker, a better boss, whatever it is. And I'm trying, and some days I'm doing great, and maybe I will do great for a month. Maybe I'll do great for three months, and then I crash and burn, and I have a week of being cranky or irritable or snappy or crying, you know. I, you know, you never know because again, we're humans and we are not perfect. I got it in, folks. Better segue than yesterday. But because we are aren't perfect specimens, because we are made of flesh and blood and hormones, we tend to, you know, and we have our emotions, so we're going to use them. And part of our emotions are anger or sadness, and so we're gonna cry sometimes, or we're gonna get angry sometimes. And you know, it's how you how you handle those times, you know. Hopefully, you're not punching other people or punching inanimate objects like a wall or whatever. Hopefully, you're handing them, handling things that come at your life, even when you're sad, even when you're hormonal, even when you're angry. Hopefully, you aren't unaliving your children like Lindsay and people making excuses and acting like that's okay. Um, and I know people are gonna go, no, they don't think that's okay. It's just that she had a hormonal problem because she had postpartum depression. Okay, but again, it was premeditated. And postpartum depression maybe is, you know, a whole psychosis thing, but it's crazy because people seem to be supporting um her and not postpartum um awareness or the fact that you know you can you can say it's sad that she had postpartum depression and it's sad that it sent her into a psychosis, and that mental health is important and we can support mental health. I don't feel like though we need to be supporting um a person that unalives others. That's just my opinion. But hormones are here and they're gonna make us act up and hopefully not be rageful enough that we are violent, you know. But um I want to try to not have those regrets. I do, I have them, but I can't, you know, I have regrets all the time about how my mom, you know, how I so many things I said to my mom that I wish I never would have said, and so many times I wish I would have understood where she was coming from and why, you know, I would go to her house and I'd visit her all the time and I would get mad at her because she just wanted me there to sit and talk to her and spend time with her. I would go there and like clean her house and go grocery shopping for her and pick up her prescriptions, and then when I would get done doing all of those things, then I would sit and talk to her. And she was like, Well, I don't want those things done, I just want to sit and talk. And I was like, Yeah, but you need those things done, and you aren't able, unfortunately, to do them on your own, and these things are important, and but I didn't value that time as much as I should, and we all have different love languages, and for her it was time, and you know, and then when COVID happened and I was kept away from her because of ridiculous Oregon policies, and because of Fauci and just so many, because of Kate Brown, um, I was kept from her, and now there's some so many regrets I have, and I don't want to have those, you know. Guilt eats you up, it causes massive health issues, and I have a lot of guilt when it comes to my mom, and I have a lot of trauma because things that I had nothing to do with, things that I didn't do wrong, but the state of Oregon kept me from her. I have a lot of trauma from that. But um, you know, I I can't really cry about it all the time. But sometimes I do. I have days where I'm sad and I do cry, and I, you know, but then I have to go, okay, I cried and now, all right, I've got to take a breath and pick myself up and move forward. So I always think about stuff with my grandkids and my sons, and how are they going to remember me? And I have this podcast so they can know my personality, you know, and I have my letters that I've written them that I put behind. I used to write letters starting when they were babies. I wrote them letters and then put it be actually handwritten letters back. Yes, yes, folks, back in the day when we used to use our hands to hold a utensil like a pencil or pen and write things out. And we used to write in cursive or you know, had to have good penmanship and know how to spell and know grammar. And I would write them letters and then put it behind a photo album. Remember those? Remember photo albums where you actually like have photos in a photo album and not on your phone, not just digital things on your phone. So I have those, but I now have this podcast too, which is nice because my grandkids and my sons can have this to remember me by and be like, wow, our mom or our grandma was cool cool. But you know, I don't want to have regrets, I don't want them to have regrets. I would just we need to make better choices. We need to be informed, we need to be educated before we do things and not just think with our with our emotions, you know. Sometimes we need to stop for a second and take a breath before we make a choice, before we make a decision. You know, um I mean spontaneity is good sometimes, yes, but usually not for big choices, you know. Sometimes we need to get educated, make sure we know all the points of view, all different angles, and be educated on the topic and take a breath for a second before we make big decisions, you know, so that we don't have those regrets later. Sometimes when we're really angry or really sad, we shouldn't talk to people until we've had a chance to calm down and take a breath. Because a lot of times we say things out of anger or being really sad and hurt, and then we, you know, can't take those back. I mean, we can apologize, but they're already out there, they've already been said, and so even if you apologize, it's like, yeah, you already said it. Is that something you actually mean, or did you just say it because you're sad or angry, or do you actually mean it and said it because you're sad and angry, you know? Anyway, so no regrets, as Scotty P would say. So thank you. I hope you don't regret listening to my podcast. I hope there's no regrets when you listen to my podcast. I hope you enjoy it. You can let me know what you think by uh emailing ramblings of an insomniac 49 at gmail. That's ramblings with an S. So ramblingsof an Insomniac 49 as in 49 at gmail.com. Thank you so much for listening. I really appreciate it. I hope you guys remember to take a deep breath in through your nose, out through your mouth. Take that breath. Remember to it kind of helps center you. Remember to control the things that you can and let go of all the other nonsense. Just let it go, just blow, just shake it off. Um, I don't know what noise that was. I was trying to be like I can't even do it right now. My lips are too dry. Um, anyway, thank you so much, you guys. Until next time.