Have you ever had someone give you unsolicited advice about how to mother? Living in another culture can compound this experience many times. Different cultures have different styles and values about parenting which drives different behaviors and expectations. As expat moms, we are often navigating not only deciding what’s best for our kids but doing it in a context when other parents around us are making very different decisions. This can cause confusion, frustration, and even self-doubt. Having lived abroad for the last decade and a half with my 4 daughters, I know this experience well. On the podcast, you’ll likely resonate with some of the stories of parenting culture clashes! And I’ll share three tools about how to navigate cultural parenting differences while living abroad.
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Have you ever had someone give you unsolicited advice about how to mother? Living in another culture can compound this experience many times. Different cultures have different styles and values about parenting which drives different behaviors and expectations. As expat moms, we are often navigating not only deciding what’s best for our kids but doing it in a context when other parents around us are making very different decisions. This can cause confusion, frustration, and even self-doubt. Having lived abroad for the last decade and a half with my 4 daughters, I know this experience well. On the podcast, you’ll likely resonate with some of the stories of parenting culture clashes! And I’ll share three tools about how to navigate cultural parenting differences while living abroad.
Free Coaching Session
Sign-up for a free coaching session.
Schedule
One-Minute Wisdom
Each week I carefully craft a short perspective shift or tool that you can read in about a minute. You can sign up here.
Follow me on Instagram: @theexpatmomcoach or on Facebook: @theexpatmomcoach
Ep 79 What to Do When Your Parenting Style Clashes with the Local Culture
My teenage daughter and I recently took a quick trip to NY to see Wicked and do a bakery tour. She loves baking and wanted to check out some of the famous bakeries that are on the food network and in other baking shows. We had a wonderful time. One of the things that amazes me every time I go to NYC is how few children there are. New York City really has it’s own culture. It’s fast, exciting, on the cutting edge and it’s not a city focused on children. And that leads us to our topic today about parenting and culture clash. As expat moms we are willing to take on the adventure of mothering abroad in a place that is likely very different from where we grew up. Our default parenting responses often come from what our parents did or what we saw modeled in our community. Parenting abroad means we are arriving to a country where parenting styles and values may be different than what we’re used to.
All over the world, parents have different styles of parenting. The French serve their children the same meals they eat and don’t tolerate fussy eaters. They believe it’s important to introduce their children to a whole palette of flavors and textures. The result is that very few older French children and French adults are picky eaters.
In Norway, parents let their babies as young as 2 weeks old nap in the cold…even down to temperatures of -16 degrees farenheight. Some experts believe it helps them sleep better and may even prevent them from catching colds.
In Argentina & Spain, parents often allow kids to stay up really late—according to some reports they rarely go to bed before10 or 11pm, and sometimes stay up as late as 1am! It’s important that children be able to participate in family life and that is when it’s happening.
The Japanese allow children who are seven to ride the subway by themselves! Japan has an extremely low crime rate, and getting around on public transportation is the norm. So, parents feel comfortable letting kids ride the subway. It tends to promote independence.
In Vietnam, parents teach kids to go to the bathroom to the sound of a whistle. They start noticing when a baby is urinating and blow the whistle so they equate the sound. Soon, the baby is able to go when they hear the whistle. Most babies are out of diapers by 9 mo.!
Inspired by this article from NPR https://www.npr.org/sections/parallels/2014/08/12/339825261/global-parenting-habits-that-havent-caught-on-in-the-u-s
Of course these are generalizations and each parent in any country has their own approach, but it’s interesting to be aware of the wide variance of parenting practices. Today we’re going to look at the impact of mothering in another culture, and how to best navigate it.
One Minute Wisdom
Recent podcast about lablels—it was so good! Thank you. I’ve been thinking about some of the labels I put on myself that I hadn’t even realized. I’m working on being more deliberate about the labels I choose. In fact, I’m thinking about some of the labels I WANT to put on myself.
Cultural Differences in Parenting:
Let’s jump into our topic of navigating cultural differences in parenting. Let me start with a personal example. One of my daughters was a young baby when we moved to China. It was the middle of summer and VERY hot. I remember putting her in the baby Bjorn in just a onsie and a diaper. A few minutes later two Chinese grandmothers ran up to me and began touching my daughters feet and saying a lot in Chinese. I looked over at my husband. He explained that they were concerned that she didn’t have socks on.
At first, I was confused. It was 90 degrees and my baby was sweating. Why were they telling me to put socks on my baby in the middle of the summer? Then I felt sort of annoyed. Who were these ladies, telling me how to dress my baby?
I smiled and said Xie xie and we moved on. But I continued to think about it and even doubt myself. Did my baby need socks in the summer? I began to wonder if I was missing something.
Can you relate to this type of experience. Has anyone in your host country tried to coach you or criticize your parenting approach? If so, you aren’t alone!
Expat Experience With Child Raising
As an expat it’s normal to find that your parenting style conflicts with the local culture. You likely bring your own experience, culture, values and bias to parenting. And, because parenting approaches vary so widely around the globe, it’s likely you’ll have some culture clash with your host culture over parenting.
Here are some common experiences my clients and I have had.
1. You may find others criticize you:
Woman at park—what kind of conflict is acceptable, how much do parents need to watch their children.
2. You may find that older kids rebuff your parenting practices because they are different than the local norm.
One mom struggled with her 14-year-old. Parents allowing kids to go to bars on their own….local culture acceptable!
3. You may find if you employ childcare help, different practices.
Cry it out/nanny hold
4. Or, you may just feel isolated and alone…might even start to doubt yourself and your parenting
Friend showed a picture of breastfeeding in public with a cover and 25 locals around her.
5. If you’re in an intercultural marriage, you may find that you and your spouse disagree on parenting approaches or values.
Parents disagreeing about table mannters.
How to navigate cultural differences in parenting
Example of Collectivistic vs. Independent Focus
https://www.tuw.edu/health/child-rearing-practices-different-cultures/
There are so many cultures, it would be difficult to cover all of them in a podcast, but there is one principle that might help guide some of our understanding of parenting across the globe. According to Marcia Cartaret in Cultural Based Differences in Child Rearing, “Based on attitudes towards autonomy vs. interdependence, most all cultures in the world can be divided into two basic patterns of child rearing.”
She goes on to describe the difference between Individualistic Cultures and Collectivistic Cultures. Individualistic cultures prioritize independence and self sufficiency. Collectivistic cultures put more emphasis on being part of a group and depending on other individuals as well as contributing.
Individualistic
America is a more Individualistic Culture. Individualistic (Canadian, Western European countries also tend to be collectivistic) Studies show that:
A number of studies show that the goal of most American parents is to make a child independent and self-reliant. (Small 2002)
Cartaret says, “In America, that ideal is a highly verbal, independent, emotionally controlled, and self-reliant child. These social skills are seen as essential to success in an individualistic society. (Small 2002) Most American parents believe a child has an inborn temperament, a set of personality traits that can be molded by parenting and society. Babies are bundles of potential and a good parent is one who can uncover the latent abilities and talents in their child, encourage the good while discouraging the bad (Small 1998). American parents are concerned about the self-esteem of their children; the word self-esteem can’t be easily translated into other languages because the trait is not part of the value system in many cultures. Of course American mothers are acutely aware that success in society depends on having good people skills. Being individualistic to the point of overt selfishness is problematic. Successful children achieve a balance between self-maximization and consideration of others.” (Cartaret)
Collectivistic Cultures
Collectivistic (Asian, Latin, African, Native American Cultures)
Collectivist cultures which include MOST of the globe, have different parenting priorities. They prioritize more dependent behaviors such as; obedience, calmness, politeness and respect toward others. The goal is to raise children who feel responsible for their behavior, and will avoid shaming themselves, their families, and their communities.
This difference between individualistic and collectivistic cultures extends to everything from feeding, to sleeping, to toilet training. For example, many individualistic cultures have babies sleep in a separate crib and a separate room valuing the independence it allows both the child and parents. However, sleeping separately from your baby would be absolutely unacceptable in many collectivistic cultures. Another area we see this is in is feeding. Many collectivistic cultures spoon feed children through toddlerhood and beyond. This helps children learn to cooperate and be patient. It also can build connection with a caregiver. In contrast invidiualistic cultures encourage babies to hold the spoon and learn to feed themselves. The West might even celebrate independence and encourage kids to play with their food as a sensory experience.
Of course these are generalizations, but it’s one lens that may be useful in understanding why different cultures operate differently.
Here’s why this matters. When we approach parenting differences with an attitude of dismissal or superiority, we build a barrier between ourselves and the local culture. When we exercise cultural humility and seek to understand WHY the culture does what they do, it allows us to build a bridge to the other culture.
Collectivistic vs Individualistic Parenting at Work
Here’s an example of how this collectivistic vs. individualistic parenting priority showed up for me. In China, parents do everything for their kids. They really put a heavy focus on education. They often feel that they are successful parents if their child does well in school and their career. They view their role as doing everything possible to further this goal. One time we saw a mom feeding her 8 year old child on subway so he could keep holding his book to study—and not lose time by having to eat! That is collectivism. In contrast, many Chinese were floored that I allowed my chidlren to go out and play at the park after school instead of studying all afternoon and evening.
Seek Understanding
The truth is both of us have our chidlren’s best life at heart, but we are going about it differently. It’s important to try to understand the other culture’s parenting approaches, and their whys.
There are lots of ways to do this—observing is an excellent way to learn. Asking questions to a local is another way. And google is a fount of wisdom with the right search terms.
The first tool is to understand the WHY of parenting practices in your host culture that seem to clash with your own practices.
2. Think about why YOU do what you do in parenting. Evaluate what is best for your family: are there local cultural parenting practices you want to adopt? If so, why? If not, why? Decide what you will do.
Sometimes we are so focused on criticizing the local culture or feeling criticized by them, we forget to examine our own why. We may have good reasons for doing something.
We may want to promote certain attributes in our children that are different than what the host country values. That’s okay! Or, we may realize we are just defaulting to how our parents parented us, and we may decide we want to adopt some of the practices we see around us. That’s okay too! The act of deliberately thinking about why we’re doing what we’re doing is important. We don’t want to operate from defensiveness or criticism. Those become draining. Instead, when we are deliberate about our decisions in parenting, we can feel more confident even if our approach is different.
As we look at ourselves and consider out own why with humility and as we have looked at the what and why of our host culture, we can become more deliberate about our craft of parenting. It’s possible we may find that we want to adopt some of the aspects of parenting from our host culture. No culture has a monopoly on the best parenting practices. We can learn a lot by watching how other cultures operate.
We have spent a few years living in Latin America. One of my favorite parenting traditions that is practiced in many Latin American countries is the Quincenera. Currently, my daughter has a friend who is from Latin America and she is preparing for her Quincenera. She invited my daughter to be part of her Quincenera royalty. They’ve gotten special dresses and they have been practicing for the event. A lot of planning a prepration goes into this very special event which traditionally is a rite of passage—sort of a becoming a woman.
I’ve realize I want to incorporate some of these traditions into my parenting culture. I am thinking about how to use some of these cultural traditions as my daughter turns 16 next year.
And as we look at the why of the other culture’s parenting, and our own whys we may decide we don’t want to adopt their patterns. The amazing benefit of examining our whys even if we don’t change is that by examining and choosing our behavior deliberately rather than going by default is we gain confidence in our parenting practices.
Third daughter was a baby lived in Mexico. Going to a party and
Here’s an example when I really tried to explore another culture’s parenting style…putting hot chili on watermelon and giving it to babies! Babies cry…..value…pass along traditions of food. Spice is part of Mexican cuisine. Mexicans believe that it’s important to expose a baby to spice early on so they learn to love Mexican foods. As I understood more about why they did what they did, I felt less surprised or critical. It allowed me to decide what I
Ex. Focus on education—disciplined, strong work ethic, value learning
but not shaming/limited praise—studies show this practice yields discouragement, shame and family conflict.
3. Be confident about your choices, AND be respectful.
We don’t have to agree in order to feel confident AND respectful.
As women, we naturally read the emotions and experiences of those around us. There is a natural desire to want to connect and belong. At times conflict in parenting approaches can cause strain on relationships.
As parents, we share a mutual desire to be good parents. Often, when people offer ideas or suggestions or even critiques they have good intentions, even if the delivery is poor. When we have learned about the local customs and why parents do what they do, we can be sincerely respectful of most local culture’s customs even if we don’t prefer them ourselves. We don’t have to express distaste explictly. We can just respect and move on.
AND we can be confident if our parenting style is different. We can share with others why if they ask, or choose not to. We don’t have to defend ourselves. Either way is okay.
If we choose to parent differently than the local community, it’s important to expect that it will be a little harder. We may get comments. Our kids may complain or feel like it’s unfair. And that’s okay. We can just accept those things as part of the choice to parent in the way we feel best. There’s a human desire to be approved of by others. Living abroad that approval might need to come from ourselves. If we’ve taken time to thoughtfully think through what and why…WE can provide that approval and validation for ourselves.
What MIGHT make us miserable though is if we choose to parent the way we feel is best and then feel frustrated, angry, or surprised when others comment on our parenting choices. They will. People judge. It’s okay. We can just accept it “Yup, there it is—I expected others might not like this. It’s fine. I can respect them, remember they probably have the best intentions and move forward with what you know works best for your family.
Conclusion
I want to circle back to the story about the grandmas wanting me to put socks on my baby in China. After living in China for a while, I learned that many Chinese believe cold enters through the feet. The Chinese like to keep baby’s feet covered, even in the summer to keep babies healthy. Understanding more about why they did what they did help me have more respect for their practice, and it helped me feel thankful that the grandmothers cared about my baby. I also decided I was fine with my babes going barefoot in the Baby Bjorn. So I opened myself up to a lot of unsolicited advice when I went out. But I was confident in my decision. I learned to greet the advice-givers kindly and re-direct the conversation to their children, asking how old they were and where they lived.
I was able to leave feeling both respectful and confident. The processing of parenting abroad involves more deliberate decisions, but it doesn’t have to be frustrating or miserable. In fact it can be richer because you incorporate new things or feel more confident about your own way.
Summary
How to navigate cultural differences in parenting
2. Think about why YOU do what you do in parenting. Evaluate what is best for your family,
and decide what you will do.
Be humble and deliberate
3. Be confident about your choices, AND be respectful.
Decide and move forward, and don’t have the expectation that others will love your style.
Expat Exit Strategy
Think about one time you’ve had someone comment on your parenting style. Or, think about a parenting method you’ve seen someone in your host culture use. Open your mind for a minute and consider why they might do what they do. If you don’t know, google it or ask someone. Decide if that’s something you might want to incorporate into your parenting. Either way—just deciding is an important step so you aren’t in judgement or self doubt. Then move forward confidently and respectfully.