Play is something we tend to associate with children. Play is essential for children’s development. However play also has tremendous potential to improve emotional health in adults as well as children and to strengthen family relationships. This podcast breaks down some of the science behind play and fun and helps offer some insight into the specific benefits of play in your family.
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Play is something we tend to associate with children. Play is essential for children’s development. However play also has tremendous potential to improve emotional health in adults as well as children and to strengthen family relationships. This podcast breaks down some of the science behind play and fun and helps offer some insight into the specific benefits of play in your family.
On the podcast you’ll learn:
Free Coaching Session
Sign-up for a free coaching session.
Schedule
One-Minute Wisdom
Each week I carefully craft a short perspective shift or tool that you can read in about a minute. You can sign up here.
Follow me on Instagram: @theexpatmomcoach or on Facebook: @theexpatmomcoach
Episode 74 of The Expat Mom Podcast: THE SCIENCE OF FUN: HOW FUN IMPROVES EMOTIONAL HEALTH AND RELATIONSHIPS
Intro
One time, my sister and I were driving our kids somewhere and all the kids in the mini-van were tired and hungry. And, like most tired and hangry kids—they started complaining, crying, and irritating each other. I first called back some well intentioned—but destined to fail—requests for kids to stop touching each other. As things escalated, I was tempted to get more firm and start doling out threats or punishments. But, thankfully I had one of my better parenting moment and decided instead to put on an extemporaneous magic show. Magic isn’t one of my hobbies and actually I had no idea what exactly I was going to do, but somehow I cobbled together some sort of tricks with things I could find in the car and put enough theatrics into the “show” that the kids were captivated and we were able to delay the irritability degenerating into total hysterics before we got home. In fact the kids started laughing and making jokes and everybody was in a better mood.
The magic show wasn’t just a distraction. There’s a reason we all felt better. Today on the podcast, I want to talk about fun and play. For some of you this may seem like an obvious topic when it comes to parenting, and for others of you this may seem like the exact antithesis of parenting. I want to share some of the fascinating research about the science of play and how it can improve our mental and emotional health of our families and improve our relationships. I’ll also share some practical applications and ideas about how to have more fun with your kids.
Review
One listener shared that after listening to the episodes on sibling rivalry—episodes #44 and #45, she tried out the process I outline on the podcast. She said she was surprised how it did help to calm the situation and resolve the conflict. I was so inspired that this mom was brave enough to challenge the normal family dance and try something new. I really appreciated her taking the time to share her experience. I would love to hear an episode that resonated with you or how you’ve tried to apply these tools in your life. The best place to do this is to leave a review. Your review can be anonymous if you choose, but this allows others moms to see your experience or insights and benefit as well. It also helps the podcast grow and reach more people. Alternatively you can DM on instagram @theexpatmomcoach. I’d love to hear from you!
The Science of Play and Fun
Most of us know that play is an important for kids. This is why we buy our kids toys, why we send them to pre-school and why we want them to have friends over when they are young. But many of us don’t recognize how essential play is to a child’s development. Play is the vehicle that children learn to make decisions, solve problems, learn to regulate their emotions, make friends, practice exerting power, develop interests and experience joy! Play has a tremendous role in children’s mental and emotional health. Peter Gray who is a professor of psychology at Boston College and has done studies on children and mental health, "Since about 1955, children’s free play has been in continuous decline, at least partly because adults have exerted ever-increasing control over children’s activities. Over the same half century that play has declined, the mental health of children and adolescents has also declined.”
Isn’t that fascinating? Less play is taking a toll on kid’s emotional health. Not only does play help us learn and grow and move forward, but the lack of it causes us to move backwards.
The need for play doesn’t stop when we get to adulthood—especially when it comes to mental and emotional health. Professor Simon Sutton-Smith wrote, “The opposite of play is not work, it is depression.” I’m going to read that again. “The opposite of play is not work, it is depression.” That is a bold statement. If Sutton-Smith’s statement is true, this has tremendous significance for improving mental health in adults as well as children. I’d like to share 4 reasons that play is essential for both parents and kids and how adding more play and fun into our lives can improve our mental and emotional health as well as how it can improve our family relationships.
THE SCIENCE OF FUN
1. Fun Promotes Bonding and Strengthens our Connections
Science confirms that having fun together strengthens people’s bonds. One study found that having fun improves trust and communication because we are more vulnerable and connectable when we share an experience. (Everett 2011)
I want to go a bit more in depth and explain WHY fun and play help us strengthen family relationships.
Eric Berne, a psychologist, described that regardless of our age, we shift between three “ego states” of personality several times a day. These include:
The Parent Ego State is driven by our values—what we feel is right and what we feel motivated to to accomplish. When we are in the parent ego state, we are being bossy; we’re ordering people around, directing them and correcting them. It is aptly named since this is the situation we are most likely to operate in this way. We feel responsible for our kids. And, we have lots of things we need them to do from getting ready, to getting good grades, to being active, to brushing their teeth. Often their agenda is different than ours. As a result, we end up doing lots of bossing around. But this is a type of attitude that anyone (even children) can have. It’s when we feel bossy and maybe even controlling or superior. This state sounds like “Please do your dish job.” “I’ve asked you twice already to get your shoes on.” “You need to try 3 bites of broccoli before you have another roll.”
This mode is the one that is most likely to create power struggles between kids and parents. Amy McCreedy suggests that if you spend more than 30% of your time in this mode, you may experience power struggles.
Next, there is the adult ego state. This is the mode we are in when we are trying to get things done. We feel rational, logical, and calm in this state. Most adults operate in this mode at work or when interacting with other adults. Children operate in this mode at school, while learning. Again, the name of each ego state can be misleading. We don’t have to BE an adult to operate in this mode. It simply cues us in to what kind of interactions we might have.
When we communicate with kids from the adult ego state, it’s often more respectful than it is from the parent ego state. And, it often gets better results. Both kids and adults respond better when we communicate in the less emotional, less bossy adult ego state as opposed to the parent ego state. One way to reduce power struggles with your kids is to operate more in the adult ego state when we interact with them. (Verma 2019)
The Child Ego State is the third ego state. It is highly emotional, playful, and joking. The child ego state can also include high emotional states in the opposite direction such as angry outbursts, tantrums. Think of the extreme emotions you might watch in a two year old getting to swing on the swing or being handed a lollipop vs. when they don’t get to swing on the swing or get a lollipop. That is a good description of the child ego state. In an adult a tantrum might look more like road rage. The excitement might look like how you feel when you get a promotion, or when you’re skiing.
It might be interesting to think through your day and try to determine how much of your day you spend in each ego state. Most adults spend the majority of their day in the adult ego state. Many rarely enter the child ego state. Most kids spend the majority of their day in the child ego state, and some in the adult ego state. However, when kids and parents are together, most parents tend to go into the parent ego state. Kids stay in the child ego state. The parent ego state is the state our kids enjoy us the least. It makes sense—none of us love to be bossed around and told what to do!
In fact when both the child and the parent are in the child ego state, they have the greatest potential for bonding. These interactions take place on a voluntary and an emotional level—both of which tend to increase connections in relationships. The good news is, this is easy for kids. However, it can be more challenging for adults to get in this mode.
The ego state they enjoy us most in is the child ego state. Let me share an example of how this played out in our family. The other night we had just had a fun movie night and we asked our kids to go get their pajamas on. Of course, everyone was slow and sluggish after the movie and were moving at a snail’s pace. Our six year old finally got off the couch and went over the the stairway. She spread her legs and arms out completely on the stairs so no one could pass…without the password she said. But we know how this goes from previous experience. No matter what password you choose, it’s wrong…because this is an ideal opportunity for a six year old to feel like she has complete power! I was not feeling at my best for parenting and said, “Sweetie come on, we need to go to bed.” Enter the parent ego state. Of course this was not met with a delighted, obedient response. She simply became more stubborn and empowered by her position. My husband on the other hand who is much quicker to enter into the child ego state in parenting our kids said, “Hmmm. Is it unicorn-fairy-mermaid-princess?” She couldn’t help but smile as those are her very favorite things. “No,” she said triumphantly. He tried guessing what was on her pajamas…”princess castles?” Nope! My husband said a word in Indonesian. She liked that too, but refused. I caught in the spirit of fun and said, “How about this password….?” I tickled her gently under her arms. She started to giggle and finally gave in and moved her arms. I swooped her up and tickled her tummy. “How about this password, I said?”
My husband and I could have probably accomplished our objective of getting her down to bed from the parent ego state….by being firm and requiring she do what we asked when we asked it, or threatening to take away a treat, but it likely would have resulted in a power struggle. We could have used an adult ego state explaining why it was important or reminding her of the family rules. She might have eventually conceded. But switching to a child-ego state and joining in her fun meant all of us had a great time and were able to connect when it might have otherwise been a negative exchange or a power struggle.
Simply choosing to operate in the child ego sometimes can allow for connection in our relationships and minimize some of the power struggles.
2. Fun Helps Us Absorb Learning Better and Retain It
Fun improves learning. A study published in the Journal of College Teaching found that students could recall a statistics lecture more easily when the lecturer added jokes about relevant topics. (R.L. Garner 2010) Whether we are learning or teaching, fun can be a powerful way to help new information get in and stay there!
A few years ago, my husband and I were beginning to feel like our pleas to our children to floss and brush more thoroughly were falling on deaf ears. And, that wasn’t the only self-care item that needed improvement, so we decided to hold a family hygiene meeting.
Having attempted this type of conversation before we knew we might be facing bored faces, rolled eyes and little ones running around the room trying to distract everyone’s attention. I asked myself one of my favorite questions, “How can I make this more fun?” And my brain delivered. Within about 25 minutes my husband and I pulled together a short melodrama entitled “The Dirty Gang vs. The Hygiene Hero.”
We invited our kids to the show. Instead of dragging in, they raced for their front row seats to see us perform. I threw on a cape and crept around as the evil villain, Patty Plaque. My husband swooped in as the Hygiene Hero and saved the day with his weapons: a toothbrush, toothpaste, and floss.
The kids were captivated and giggling as they watched. Two great things came out of our “meeting.” First, we had a really fun time together laughing during what could have been a potentially boring or frustrating time. Not to mention it created a whole new lexicon and set of inside family jokes. Second, the message got through. Some might have thought that the message would get lost with all the fun and drama. But actually the kids really boosted their efforts at brushing and flossing.
While creating a family play may not be your thing, trying to bring some fun into otherwise dull experiences can be a transformative element to add to your life, your relationships, your problems, and even your menial tasks.
3. Fun Boosts the Mood
Most people—if asked—prefer positive emotions to negative ones. Though it seems obvious, science confirms that fun boosts moods. One study showed that individuals who laughed less had more negative emotions when compared to those who laughed more. In contrast, those who laughed more showed fewer negative feelings even when stressful situations increased (Kuiper & Martin, 1998).
Our family has a tradition of going out to dinner on each person’s birthday. The birthday person gets to choose where we go. But inevitably the excitement about going out starts to wane after we’ve ordered and the waiting and hunger converge. Kids start bugging each other and complaining. In a desperate attempt to shift the mood one time, I explained that I had a “really fun game” I wanted to teach them. It was called, “Take something away.” There were only about 12 things on the table….our cell phone, a napkin holder, salt, pepper, etc. I told the kids to close their eyes. When they opened them, something would be missing and they could try to guess what it was. Not only was this game helpful in stopping the whining and fighting, it became such a hit it is now the regular when we go out to eat. It boosted the mood in an otherwise negative moment, and allowed us to enjoy connecting.
4. Helps Us Get Unstuck and Make Progress
Fun can also help us move forward when we are stuck. Emotions drive our actions. Emotions like overwhelm, awkwardness, and anxiety keep us fixed in the same spot. If you’re feeling emotions like these, making things more fun helps to shift the type of emotion we feel, and thus help us get unstuck. When we feel better—less stressed out, happier, and more connected to others—we’re able to make more progress at whatever we’re doing.
Shawn Achor, a positive psychologist from Harvard, conducted a study in which doctors were shown a picture of a favorite memory or family member that allowed them to feel happier before going in with a patient. Compared to a control group who was not primed with positive emotions, the doctors who did feel happy were faster and more accurate in their diagnosis, and were reviewed by patients as having a better bedside manner. (Achor, 2010)
In a family with 5 females…there is a lot of emotion. My husband sometimes says it’s like swimming in a sea of estrogen. :) We’ve had a lot of practice with helping our kids navigate the whole range of emotions. One of the very best ways we’ve found is using humor and fun.
Our family signed up to bring breakfast to my daughter’s early morning bible study class. The other day we were discussing what we should bring. My daughter suggested bringing donuts or a buffet of sugar cereals. As a nutritionist, the idea of pumping a bunch of teens full of that much sugar first thing in the morning makes my skin crawl. I suggested we could bring something healthier. This was met by immediate resistance. I know better than to make the discussion into a serious affair. My husband and I used humor to diffuse the situation. He suggested that we bring a large pot of oatmeal with berries and ask the teachers for 15 min. That we could do a nutritional presentation. Of course he was totally joking, but his sarcasm had the intended effect. Our teen half-knowing he was kidding shrieked, “Dad! I would be so humiliated, I couldn’t even show my face there if you did that.” “Oh, I think it would be great he said, it’s like a two for one.” “She continued to protest and I added additional things that were preposterous like vegetables and other healthy things we could add.” As her protests escalated, we said, “Just kidding.” We can find something better. Humor helped us get unstuck from an opposing opinion standstill, and have some fun and connection along the way.
I hope that understanding some of the science and psychology behind fun has left you feeling motivated to have more fun—especially with your kids.
Summary
Let’s review some of the benefits of having more fun:
1. Fun Improves Relationships
2. Fun Helps Us Absorb Learning Better and Retain It
3. Fun Boosts the Mood
4. Helps Us Get Unstuck and Make Progress
Now, all of this science and theory is important and helpful, but it only matters if you know HOW to add more fun to your life. If you’re like most parents, it’s hard to switch from that adult or parent ego state into a more child ego state with your kids.
The next podcast will offer 5 practical ways to add more fun into your relationships with your kids! Play really does have incredible potential to help both adults and kids improve their emotional health, reduce conflict and create connections.
Exit Strategy
Think for a minute about your time with your kids. What percentage of it is spent in that parent-ego state? How might shifting into your child -ego state more often help your relationship with your kids?
Coaching
Sign up for a free coaching session, and apply some of the tools you’re learning to your own circumstances. Sometimes clients think, how could one session possibly help? Coaching is a bit different than counseling. We can accomplish a lot in one session. You can sign-up for.
And, in case you aren’t quite ready for coaching, you can sign up for my free resource for busy moms who want to improve their family’s emotional health. I call it one-minute wisdom. Every week I distill down one important perspective, story or tool to something that can be read in about 1 minute. The idea is that you can apply it with your family that week. You can sign up through the link in the show notes or on my website at the expatmom.com