Ep. 60 People Pleasing Part 2: Are YOU a People Pleaser?
Last week we talked about “The Niceness Disease.” It’s a name coined by Dr. David Burns, a well known psychiatrist, author and former Stanford professor. He estimates that over 75% of anxiety is caused by “The Niceness Disease.” We discussed what the niceness disease is and why it is such a problem. If you don’t know there’s a problem, or why it’s a problem, it’s challenging to fix it. If you haven’t had a chance to listen to it, go back and listen! Today we’re going to look at how to recognize or “diagnose” yourself if you have the “Niceness Disease.”
“One-Minute Wisdom”
One of my listeners recently commented that the last episode on people pleasing really helped her see people pleasing in a different light. She had previously thought of it as something exhausting but still kind. When she looked at it through the frame of being dishonest or misleading it really helped to shift her thoughts and feelings about it. She was really reflecting on how people pleasing can not only affect us negatively, but it can also affect the people we’re trying to please negatively. It really caused her to re-examine her attempts to people please. I’m so thankful she took time share with me about her experience and thoughts. If you have had any insight or success from one of the podcasts or a One-Minute Wisdom, please email me from my website The Expat mom.com, or direct message me on instagram @theexpatmomcoach.
Each week I take one tool or perspective from the podcast and boil it down into something useful you can read in about one minute and immediately apply to your life and your family. You can sign up for this free resource by clicking the link in the show notes or on my website at theexpatmom.com.
People Pleasing
Let me start off by sharing a story about people pleasing that happened to me last week.
People Pleasing and the PTA
Our family recently attended a school ice cream social. It was wonderful to meet other families and enjoy the event. The PTA had tables set up advertising and asking parents to volunteer. I saw the tables and some of the PTA moms asked me about volunteering. I looked at the sign-ups. I looked at the moms. They were so sweet to be volunteering their time. I know the PTA makes a big difference to our family’s experience. I felt awkward and guilty NOT signing up. I also felt overwhelmed as I looked at the opportunities available. I felt torn. My brain said, “I SHOULD sign up. I have 3 children at this school!” “Your kids would LOVE it if you volunteered.” “What will these ladies think if you don’t sign up?” But my brain also said, “You have so much on your plate right now. How would you fit it in?” “It’s going to add a lot of stress!” I stood there debating, feeling awkward with the other moms looking at me.
I know many of you have been there…you’ve walked by those PTA tables. :).
I thought about signing up because “I really SHOULD help out.” just to avoid the awkwardness of the moment, and get a hit of feeling like a “good mom” or a “good community member.” But inside I knew that if I signed up, I would likely feel stressed out and overwhelmed. I might not be a very good mom to my kiddos this year by adding more busyness. Our family just moved and I have a lot going and I know my first priority is my family and my emotional health and theirs. I can see that adding one more thing might feel resentful inside the whole time I was doing the PTA.
I made the decision that this year, the PTA was too much for me. I took a deep breath and thanked the moms who were standing there for their time volunteering and I left without signing up to help. It was a bit awkward in the moment, but it felt like such a relief to politely decline. Ironically, it could have been the kindest thing I could do this year for myself, and my family—who are the people who matter most to me. Dave Ramsey says we spend a lot of time and money trying to impress people we don’t even know or like! Frankly it may have even been kinder to the PTA. While I’m sure they would have appreciated my help, I might have shown up harried, busy and maybe even resentful. That kind of help isn’t always helpful.
Now this is an important caveat. Signing up for the PTA is NOT people pleasing. It can be a wonderful way to contribute and serve and improve your community. I am SO thankful to all the wonderful parents who volunteer. In the past I have helped in my kid’s classes and as room mom and loved it! I did it sincerely out of kindness and because I wanted to. What made this situation a potential people pleasing moment was my situation and how I was feeling about it.
Recognizing people pleasing can be a bit challenging or nuanced. Because what looks like kindness even to our selves, may actually be people pleasing. If we can’t recognize people pleasing in yourself, it’s hard to change it.
Diagnosing
Today, we’re going to discuss a bit about how to know if you’re a people pleaser or if you have “The Niceness Disease.” Because it “looks” like kindness, and it’s shrouded in friendly behavior and even reinforced by positive social feedback, the niceness disease can sometimes be difficult to detect, especially in your self; however just as physical illnesses are often diagnosed by a patient’s symptoms, there are both external and internal symptoms of people pleasing. . In order to help “diagnose” yourself or your children, listen and see if you recognize any of these external or internal symptoms. The more of them you have, the more likely you are a people pleaser.
External Symptoms:
- Likable
- Is excessively friendly or gracious: always saying and doing the socially “right” things others want us to say and do
- Rarely feels or at least rarely expresses “negative” emotion
- Person says “yes” most or all of the time when asked to do something, even when they don’t want to or feel they can
- Is often discouraged from feeling it’s impossible to live up to others’ expectations
- Feels exhausted from constantly worrying about what others think and placing others’ needs above their own
- Often very “busy”
- Self-Depricating
- Tends to blame self when issues come up
- May appear stressed out a lot
In addition to external behaviors that may indicate we are people pleasing, there are also some important indicators internally.
Internal Symptoms:
Our emotions can be important indicators about what is going on inside us. The internal symptoms we’ll discuss are common feelings and thoughts of people pleasers.
People pleasers tend to have dominant emotions such as:
Resentful
Overwhelmed
Unappreciated
Misunderstood
Inadequate
Discouraged
Taken advantage of by others
Stressed
Lonely
Common Thoughts People Pleasers May Have include:
- I SHOULD do _______________________
- I won’t be a good (person/mom/wife/employee/friend/daugther/sister etc.) if I don’t do this
- It’s easier to just do it than to deal with all the drama or emotional throwback
- I don’t want to put anyone out or be a burden to them
- I really wish so and so would do ______, but I don’t want to bring it up because I know it’s going to cause all sorts of issues. It’s just not worth it.
- What would _________ think of me if I did ______ or told them ______.
- I’m fall short, I’m just not doing enough
- I can’t do it all
- Why do people always ask me?
- ____________ didn’t even care that I did all that work!
- I need to do this perfectly
- ____________doesn’t understand me
- ____________ doesn’t appreciate all that I do.
- My spouse will leave me if I told them ____________.
- I have so much to do.
If you have more than a couple of these symptoms, you likely have some degree of the “niceness disease.”
Just as people who have an illness can get complications, people with the “Niceness Disease” can also get complications.
Complications:
Most of us people please sometimes. Just like the body can handle a cold or a flu one in a while, we and others can handle people pleasing once in a while. However, consistently people pleasing turns into “The Niceness Disease.” This disease has several complications.
- Anxiety. Because we are consistently resisting our feelings in order to do what others want, many people develop anxiety. Remember Dr. Burns’ statistic that over 75% of people who suffer from anxiety are people pleasers? That is stunning.
- Depression. Many people pleasers become depressed because they can’t keep up. They become discouraged because they can’t be all things to all people. They can’t keep up with their own expectations of themselves because they are unrealistic—it is to be what others want. They assume they are not lovable if they can’t keep up the facade. Though they may feel that others “like” them, they don’t feel the deep and validating experience of being loved in their imperfection. This can feel disconnecting and isolating. This combination of exhaustion, discouragement and and disconnection with others is a perfect recipe for depression.
- Low self-confidence
How you feel on the outside and how you feel on the inside often don’t match when you people please. This incongruence causes the brain to feel unsettled. We may think we should help out with the PTA, but inside we know we are maxed out and it would compromise our health to add one more thing this year. The brain doesn’t like discrepancy, so it seeks to justify itself either through blame (the PTA is so demanding, why aren’t other moms signing up?, why do I always have to be the one?) Or through shame, (I really should sign up, what’s wrong with me, why can’t I pull it together). Either way, this shame or blame take a toll on our self-confidence. We begin to feel either like we’re doing something against our own will or that we are inadequate in some way. These both decrease self-confidence.
While people pleasers try to keep up with the harried pace of doing what everyone else wants and making everyone else happy, they lose themselves. They are so worried about what others need and what others think, they don’t even know entirely who they are or what they like or want. So, it becomes even harder to advocate for their own needs. They may feel resentful at others and at themselves and at other institutions for the high expectations they feel they can’t meet. All of this feels terrible and leads to a low self-confidence.
Is that hit of dopamine or adrenaline you get from people pleasing worth all of this?
Conclusion
Let’s summarize what we’ve learned today—
First there are internal and external symptoms that may indicate people pleasing. We can diagnose “The Niceness Disease” by recognizing multiple symptoms in ourselves both externally and internally. Externally it included things like saying yes, even when you feel you can’t, and not showing much negative emotion. We also talked about internal symptoms. Feelings are one of the most powerful indicators; emotions like resentment, obligation, overwhelm, and feeling unappreciated can help us recognize when we are people pleasing. Notice these symptoms and complications in your life and look at any possible relationship with people pleasing. We also discussed possible complications
I want to be very clear, depression and anxiety and low self-esteem can be caused by myriad sources: biological & biochemical, hormones trauma, crisis, developmental phases of life, environmental stressors and more. I’m not by any stretch suggesting that all depression is caused by people pleasing. However, I AM suggesting that people pleasing can lead to or exacerbate anxiety and depression if it becomes a way of thinking and behaving in your life.
While people pleasing can become a default behavior pattern, and it can take some work to re-wire our brains and our behavior, it’s totally possible to shift our patterns of thinking and behaving. If you’re a people pleaser it’s not just the way you are. It’s not a permanent condition. Our brains are plastic—meaning they can change all the way until we die. We can create different patterns of thinking, feeling and acting. .
Next time we’re going to discuss the cure for “The Niceness Disease,” or how to stop people pleasing. How to bring more truth and kindness and peace to your relationships.
Expat Exit Strategy
If you haven’t already, go back and listen to the podcast when you have a pencil and paper and see how many of the symptoms resonate with you. Also, take a look at the complications. Have any of these been true for you? If so, just watch yourself this week.
