Who Would Watch This?
Who Would Watch This?
Who Would Watch 'Zoom'?
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Oscar and Carl wrap up Zoom Month with their final film: Zoom. In this not-really-relevant entry, they ask the big questions: who is Tim Allen even for? Why does Dad Shepherd have a podcast? How depressed was Chevy Chase while making this? And, of course, who would watch this?
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My name is Oscar.
SPEAKER_00My name is Carl.
SPEAKER_01And this is Who Would Watch This? Welcome to Who Would Watch this podcast? We watch a film, chapter the film, and then try and figure out who would watch this.
SPEAKER_00Today we're talking about Zoom, which currently has a 4.4 on IMDB, a 5% on Run Tomatoes, and a 2.2 on Letterboxd. Oscar, what's the plot?
SPEAKER_01Former superhero Jack is called back to work to transform an unlikely group of ragtag kids into superheroes at a private academy.
SPEAKER_00Mmm. Fuck. Wow. It doesn't sound like anything we've seen or heard of before. No. And so I think we're ready to get our socks knocked off of us.
SPEAKER_01That's the exact uh motion and exact uh task I want to be happened. Carl, before we get into this this weird sock fucking thing, should we just go back to last week?
SPEAKER_00To before we'd seen the movie when we were trying to predict who we thought would watch it. Yes.
SPEAKER_01Yes. Yes.
SPEAKER_02Yes. Yes.
SPEAKER_00Oscar, it's the end of it. It's the end of Zoom. I'll do the Skype sound. Oh, is that what the Skype sound sounds like? Yeah, yeah, yeah.
SPEAKER_01Oh, it maybe it'sn't. I don't know. I'm not.
SPEAKER_00I think you want to be dude, dude. Oh no, maybe you were doing it.
SPEAKER_01Yeah, it may also do something. But Carl, it is a Zoom month. Unfortunately, there's not actually that many bad Zoom slash Skype movies. So we did have to go into the Tim Allen well. It's a good one.
SPEAKER_00Which is always the well you go to if you need to fill up a month. It's a famous line. People have been saying it in Hollywood for years.
SPEAKER_01I uh I look at Tim Allen because I also remembered we I don't think we've ever done the shaggy dog. I do think we need to do that. There was another one there that just oh wild hogs. God, he's just he's just a hero.
SPEAKER_00He look he knocks him out of the park. We could do the twofa, which is wild hogs and then old old dogs. Yeah. God Travolta was on another level in the early 2000s. Uh bad.
SPEAKER_01Hit after hit. I mean, well, I think it was is it's I feel like he had like Battlefield Earth, and then I feel he had nothing good, maybe to a bolt. Yeah. Nothing good. And then I think he was in uh the OJ one, and then I don't think it's been in anything good. What about Gotti? He's a star, though, isn't he? He's just a star.
SPEAKER_00He's never not nailing it.
SPEAKER_01I'm all we're always endeared by him, so good for him.
SPEAKER_00It's honestly so much heavy lifting was done by him absolutely blundering at the Oscars. And I went, You're human. You're human and you're you're weird. And I don't mind that.
SPEAKER_01That's that that's human character. Carl, we are doing Zoom. It is the Tim Allen superhero movie. Have you seen it?
SPEAKER_00I don't think I've seen it. I have a vague thing where I've maybe caught a bit of it on TV, but I couldn't I couldn't tell.
SPEAKER_01I feel like you might have seen it from like the passing car of like a child, you know, with a DVD in the backseat. Yeah. I think I get that Tim Allen romp.
SPEAKER_00A part of me also thinks maybe I just completely get it confused with Sky High. So maybe I've got no reference point on that.
SPEAKER_01That's crazy because they're very two very different films. But in a way, I'll make it a lot of people. One has Tim Allen. One has Tim Allen in it.
SPEAKER_00Who's better, Tim Allen or Kurt Russell? Oh, that's shut the fuck up. It's a toughie. It's a toughie. It's a rock in a hard place if ever I heard. Which one's the what's his show? What's his show? Home improvement. Or Anger Matt, no. What's his new one he's got?
SPEAKER_01I think it's Home Improvement. Yeah, one of his back, he's just like, I'm a Republican. I'm a Republican. Should the gays vote and you're just like Tim Allen? You've you've been nailed it again. You've nailed it again. These are the comedy situations they want to see mechanics get into. Do we think Pixar's going, oh god? I do think Buzz Lightyear has been slightly faded out from the Toy Story.
SPEAKER_00I feel like I even I don't exactly hear Tom Hanks be excited about Tim Allen anymore. You remember back in the day they were like, we hop in the booth together and we just we just have a great old time, and now Tom Hanks is like, I did not see him this film.
SPEAKER_01We just we recorded separately in our mansions, you know? That's fine, that's fine, you know. Uh so I know very little about it.
SPEAKER_00I know it's about superheroes.
SPEAKER_01Oh sorry, my partner has watched it aggressively as a child. There you go.
SPEAKER_00This is gonna be bad.
SPEAKER_01Yeah, it's really bad. It's gonna be real bad. Hey, you're right, and I support that. Yeah, no, it's not this is gonna be like unwatchably bad. It's gonna be dreadful. I've seen it's a bad omen of the super. I've seen it recently enough that I thought we'd done it for the podcast. Why? Because she really wanted to watch it. Yeah, I remember, and I went, oh, did I read this later? I gave it a one star in Letterboxd, so it can't be. I know. And that's just a casual viewing, you know. That's not even a podcast to be. Bad taste. Yeah. Horrid taste.
SPEAKER_00Last night she was like, what if we all went home and watched Water for Elephants?
SPEAKER_01And I was like, what a bad fucking idea. That's crazy. You know damn well that you were pushing the water for elephants too.
SPEAKER_00That was her that suggested that. No, no, no. You're pushing it. And I know she's gonna listen to this episode.
SPEAKER_01Carl, who watched Zoom?
SPEAKER_00Uh look, it's probably gonna be it's probably gonna have to be for our Allen heads out there. If I had to put a label on it.
SPEAKER_01I guess it could also be for people that just haven't got enough Marvel, you know, haven't got enough DC.
SPEAKER_00I assume it's kids that were like, I want more incredible-esque stuff. Like, I love the incredibles, more of that, please.
SPEAKER_01And they've gone, this is kind of their there's no G-rated superhero stuff, you know. They'll always be like, what about PG 13? You know? That's true. We'll blow up a small country, but like no blood. What about Boltz? Bolt's is an action man, but he's he's he's a superstar, but he's an actor, you know.
SPEAKER_00He thinks he's a superhero dog. Yeah. What about underdog? That's a good G film. With Peter Dick.
SPEAKER_01That's dog based, you know. I'm looking for a human to empathize with. I can't empathize with a dog. I'm not a dog. I'm not a canine, you know? I'm a homo sapien.
SPEAKER_00You just watching a bug's life.
SPEAKER_01But I'm not a bug. Like, I don't get your your struggles. I don't get your struggles. I would never be in a situation like this, and therefore I don't get it. I don't have a grasshopper harassing me. Kevin's basically. I have a boss breathing down my neck. No, no, no. But the capitalism is not squallowing me up. It's it's it's a different thing. It's a different thing.
SPEAKER_00Finding out you can relate to it by the end of the movie.
SPEAKER_01Oh, it's capitalism. I do have that in my life. I love the the message is you figuring out the message. Like, it's not you learning the message. You're literally learning what the message has been. I haven't taken it in. I just know literally it's about this. Guys, check out Bug's Life, you know. It's pretty cool. Whoa, okay. Well, we should do it. Let's go. Who would watch Zoom? Oh man.
SPEAKER_00Um get you out of this Bugs Life tangent you've gotten us onto it.
SPEAKER_01So you're lucky. You're lucky. Um, I I don't know. I guess Tim Allen was a stand-up comedian. So I guess if you're really trying to get your kids into the Tim Allen uh stand-up scene, maybe this is a good entry point for you, you know?
SPEAKER_00Yeah. It's this I hear a lot of kids are being told to watch Zoom and then like just a little bit of SNL. Yeah.
SPEAKER_01Just to see. Was he an SNL? I don't know. I don't know what he's doing.
SPEAKER_00I gotta know what he's what was his rise. Santa Claus? Was that his big I think it was home improvement? I think he was a wood.
SPEAKER_01I think he did a bit of a Jerry Seinfeld sort of situation and similar in fairness, yeah. But he probably had a bigger film career than Jerry Seinfeld.
SPEAKER_00Yeah, did he improve his home? What do we think the plot of home improvement is?
SPEAKER_01I assume he's a a no-nonsense dad that has to sort of, you know, deal with the uh the burden of America and uh sort of transform in the 80s and 90s, and he will he'll he'll do it his way, and sometimes it works and sometimes it doesn't.
SPEAKER_00I think what's really good about When Tim Allen works, which is probably Buzz Lightyear and probably that first Santa Claus movie. I can't think of many other examples where I've liked Tim Allen, but they're the ones where they've said don't be a mean asshole to everybody in the film.
SPEAKER_01He's really good at being a fat fucking cunt. He's shitty to everyone in every movie. Oh, is he Christmas as a cranks?
SPEAKER_00And you're just like, you're just an arsehole.
SPEAKER_01Every time he's like And I feel like when he gets his comeuppance, it's more like a like a I'm like an angry mob. I'm just like good, that man should be skinned alive, you know. It's less of like a oh, he's learned. No, I think he should be dragged through the mud.
SPEAKER_00It's funny as well, because I think for a long time Ryan Reynolds was doing a bit of a Tim Allen thing, but Ryan Reynolds was adding a bit of like I don't know, playfulness to it. So he was like, oh, I'm being the jerk, but you guys are liking how I play the jerk. But for whatever reason, Tim Allen was just could not ever work out how to be the likable jerk.
SPEAKER_01No, and maybe he's just a jerk. I think he's like sort of maybe it's just an maybe he's like that's just an 80s, 90s thing, you know? Maybe we need a bit of we need a bit of charm, you know. We need a bit of Reynolds in our life, huh? Big big Ryan Reynolds guys over here.
SPEAKER_00Big Ryan Reynolds guys. Imagine Imagine anybody on a podcast being like, we're big Ryan Reynolds guys.
SPEAKER_01I mean there would be some people, but you know.
SPEAKER_00Not in a podcast format. No. Surely the people that like Ryan Reynolds don't have to be.
SPEAKER_01They're all radio, they're all radio. Yeah. You know, you ch jump on FM, it's all Ryan heads over there, you know? AM as well, but not not the not the digital space. All the M's. Yeah.
SPEAKER_00Any of the things on the any of the M's on the radio.
SPEAKER_01Anything that can be transferred through radio waves, I'm talking light, I'm talking visible spectrum, X-ray, big radio guy, uh, big Ryan guys. Not us though. We're all zeros and ones, the binaries, you know?
SPEAKER_00That's us to a T. Speaking of T's, Tim Allen, let's go. You know, Oscar. Hit me, Carl. I think we got really caught up in the idea, nay, the joke of doing Zoom, the movie in Zoom month.
SPEAKER_02Yes.
SPEAKER_00And I think we're really now reaping what we sow. Yeah, I got it. Because this was fucking useless. This was like. This was this was a bad call by us.
SPEAKER_01A very bad call by us. Uh what I really I I I had to lower my this is a half-star film. Uh I also had my partner going, quoting the whole film. And and it's not a quotable film. It was more like just like Tim Allen would have a little aside, and then the kid would say, like, sort of have a like a reaction, and she would give that. And I was like, this is not helpful.
SPEAKER_00She couldn't quote Tim. No, Tim's unquo. You could only quote the what do you mean? He has so many great biracial and homophobic jokes throughout the film. It's so homophobic.
SPEAKER_01There is a point where you're just like, I think Tim Allen's gonna slur somebody. And that's I don't know, that's okay in a film. But yeah, no, Zoom's pretty atrocious. I don't think we've done a really bad film in a really long time. We've been very kind to ourselves. We're like, what do we watch like a film I kind of want to watch? Yeah, I know. Yeah, dog shit.
SPEAKER_00This is this is fucking where we were when we started this podcast doing that like IMDB bottom 100. This is that crap.
SPEAKER_01Yeah, this is fucking fucking horrible. Barrel shit. I'm not nothing redeemable. I was I I you know, I just I feel like we've been really like look at the filmmaking on standpoint. It's an undercut this is a this is horrid. Barely a cinema. I was angry, it's barely nothing.
SPEAKER_00It's barely the cinema. More akin to like a Disney TV film.
SPEAKER_01I would say a Disney ad for the worst action figures you'd ever not buy, you know?
SPEAKER_00You're absolutely right. Yeah. Who's who produced this?
SPEAKER_01Was this any was this by any Spielberg Unfortunately, you know? He was in a slump, he was in that Munich era, and he just he put his put his eggs in Zoom.
SPEAKER_00This has Sam Mendez all over it, I bet. Um, wow.
SPEAKER_01I what a this was the it's the director of Oh, they had done another film that we had done. This is director to Garfield. That's right. And not saying Garfield ain't great, you know, it's got its moments.
SPEAKER_00And no, no doubt, the wow, what a wow, what an absolute run. Bill and Ted's bogus journey.
SPEAKER_01Do people like that one? I've not seen that one.
SPEAKER_00I like that one. Yeah. Bill and Ted's Bogus Journey, right into a slew of movies I haven't heard of. The Borrowers, which I have heard of.
SPEAKER_01Oh, my partner loves that one as well. That one's also, I don't like it, but you know, I get it, people like it.
SPEAKER_00And then I dare say one of the most famous movies ever. Thunderpants. Fuck off. Right?
SPEAKER_01This is the director of Thunder Pants. Thunderpants. Yeah. Shit.
SPEAKER_00We should just do Thunderpants on the podcast. Yeah. This was. And then honestly, I have no doubt that we will indeed be doing Home Alone the Holiday Heist at some stage in our in our lives. Um, but but wow. Zoom, a film whose entire soundtrack is just Smashmouth. What a fucking reveal.
SPEAKER_01There might be the most vile cover I've ever heard. It's like something like Enya done by Smashmouth. And you just think, who what was Smashmouth? Were they getting a tax break? Like, did films get some sort of kickback if they use Smashmouth? I think they just thought kids loved it.
SPEAKER_00Yeah. There was a weird, like so Smashmouth is so appropriately used in Shrek to a point of it maybe being for like as a millennial, one of the most famous users of music is Smashmouth in Shrek. Yeah. And they've and Hollywood just went, those are the guys to do kids' movies. That's fair, as yeah. Like that's the sound of a kid's movie too much.
SPEAKER_01Which is funny, because I didn't like because I don't think it fits anywhere, but because it's so prevalent in all these films, it kind of does fit, you know. I'm just there. It is crazy you say that because Shrek almost has like the soundtrack sung by you know Smash Mouse. It does. And I think there's like it's like uh Challenges, you know, by Trent Reznor, you know.
SPEAKER_00There's no polite way to say it, but there's something ogre-ish about Smash Mouse music, and that's why it works.
SPEAKER_01And that's a good film producer just going, I can sense an ogre would listen to this.
SPEAKER_00Somebody horrible in a swamp would enjoy this very much.
SPEAKER_01And unfortunately, Tim Allen also kind of gives off the vibe of someone who would like Smash Mouse. Oh, this guy's a dirtbag? Smash it up.
SPEAKER_00Smash it up with Oh, you have a whole 80 minutes for you to film.
SPEAKER_01Let's get into the film.
SPEAKER_00Should we just Yeah, we absolutely should because I absolutely adored the beginning is an absolute monotone monologue by Courtney Cox, so clearly having just been chucked, like a rewrite to read out over the movie, because I could not believe that the entire opening of this movie spoils every turning point the film has to offer. Yeah. Every turning point. I was like, this must have been thrown in, right? Or do you reckon they just wanted to have a film that was so underlined?
SPEAKER_01I think they were like, don't let anyone think a thought. Because you are right, they just give off pretty much, hey, here's the summary of what you need to know, and you know what? We're just gonna read the script notes. We'll give you the summary, what's gonna happen.
SPEAKER_00It was just things where like you felt like when a character found out that like it was the brother that got caught and things like that. You're like, I feel like I'm meant to find that out only right now. Yeah, but you've told me at the beginning of the movie. Comic book form. Yeah, you've shown me visually without filming it, you've done it. Like you I've seen this. I've actually seen it.
SPEAKER_01Not in not that like any surprise is like crazy, but they do give you just hey, don't be scared. We're gonna just get rid of those plots, you know? Just don't things are coming just so you're aware, you know? That's just so you know.
SPEAKER_00They're like, don't worry. If you if you've listened to all of this, you don't have to pay attention to the rest of the movie. You've got the gist.
SPEAKER_01Which was a kind thing, I guess, for us. However, I do think, you know, I had a- Look, I took it as permission to zone out. ASAP. I said, thank you, Courtney, and off I went. It was a performance, because what year was this? 2006. Dude, why, why, why, why is the cast? Could we get into the cast real quick?
SPEAKER_00I was a more stacked cast than I thought it was gonna be. In terms of who's famous at the time, Tim Allen, Courtney Cox, and Chevy Chase, and Rip Torn. Yeah. Uh, all in pretty big roles. I think so. Um, and then we've got Kate Mara as well, who obviously would have been nothing at the time, but crazy for her to be in this. But yeah, it is an oddball cast.
SPEAKER_01It is a real oddball cast. You also got uh Abigail Spencer, what's it called? The the the kid that was like the kid actor at the time, you know. Yeah, uh he's also yeah, from Cat in the Hat. Yes, which is a great, you know, kid actor, you know. But you are right. Like, let's it's it's it's odd gang Chevy because I feel like I just watched the documentary, honestly. So was this covered in the docker? It wasn't, surprisingly. Zoom wasn't? There wasn't there was 20 minutes on community, but there wasn't nay nothing in Zoom. There was a vague uh sort of they breeze over the early 2000s, because I think he was in not a good space, but I still think he had the clout of being able to be like, well, I'll do my my Chevy thing. And the film does, should we show you some Chevy stuff? And it's not him at his best, you know.
SPEAKER_00I think it's crazy because I think this role demonstrates that he was indeed a complex person, and you can't crack him. No. So I think he was right to do this role. Yeah, this could be his his joker.
SPEAKER_01We should say he's a mad scientist. I wouldn't even say a mad scientist, he's a laboratory uh uh a lab.
SPEAKER_00He's a near janitor is what I'd say. To rip torn. To rip torn. He is a babysitter and an oaf, and he is somebody to be thrown up on. Like and mucuson and re just get the shit kicked out of him, you know? So clearly they had a day where he sat in a chair and they just threw different fluids at him and they said, just pat them away in more funny ways, and he's gone. There's really only one way to pat something off your face.
SPEAKER_01Wiping slime is really hard comedically. Like, that is a tough thing to really nail. You can go over the two fingers so you get like a bit of like uh streakiness. Yeah, but really you're limited.
SPEAKER_00I prefer those people that just keep their eyes shut and go, Did it get me? That's the way you handle it.
SPEAKER_01Don't wipe it. You know what? As you say it now, if you have glasses, you take them off, you reveal, you rub it with another rub it with another stained thing, and then put them back on. You know what? Chevy literally did not pick up the ball on this one.
SPEAKER_00He didn't pick up the ball on Zoom. I reckon it wasn't in the docker because he said I fumbled the ball there. Yeah. He said that was a great thing.
SPEAKER_01That's on me.
SPEAKER_00That was actually a miscast. An Acaroid would have run with that role, but I couldn't get my mentor.
SPEAKER_01We'll cut it. The only part where you've been modest will cut that. But let's get into community. If you guys don't know, Chevy Chase uh did like a 90-minute documentary, and I think he comes across badly. I think he produced it. I don't know.
SPEAKER_00Yeah, he it sort of went viral recently with him being like, Shut up, you director. I'm complex, you can't crack me. And it's like, did you pay for this doco or what? I think so. It's pretty odd.
SPEAKER_01Um, but yes, we also got Riptorn. I think nailing it.
SPEAKER_00I think he's ripping. I think when Riptorne, I think Riptorn was best used in Men in Black, and I think he's just been asked to do men and Blackie stuff here. Not bad. Not bad. No, not at all. Everybody's doing the minimum. Um, except for Courtney, who's doing a lot bad. Great, great.
SPEAKER_01She has his running bits because she's sort of the, I don't know, female scientist, but also the fangirl of the general superhero things. She's also the hot bod for Tim. Yeah. To a googad. Yeah, Tim loves uh Courtney and his green dress. Should we get into the opening? Should we get into the opening?
SPEAKER_00Yes, we should get into the opening. I feel we're getting ahead of ourselves.
SPEAKER_01Getting too ahead of ourselves. Tim Allen is Mr. Zoom. He's working at a car mechanic place. Yeah. The slogan, take your time, don't rush.
SPEAKER_00Yeah. Which is ironic because as far as we know, he zooms.
SPEAKER_01Yes, he zooms because the whole title sequence it tells his entire backstory, his full flaws, and what we're looking for. So yeah, he does this thing now, he has lost his powers, we think.
SPEAKER_00Well, so I didn't get this. Well, you're like, you're telling us he's lost his powers and we see him using his powers.
SPEAKER_01I think he doesn't want to do it. Yeah. I think he's a lazy piece of shit. Which immediately gets you offside. Immediately offside with him. However, it is very Tim Allen and it's very real. It's a slice of life, you know, this sort of one. You know, Tim Allen has this amazing beauty that he just withholds, you know, from us.
SPEAKER_00He so clearly, as a character, doesn't want to be there until they pay him $500,000, which is surely the paycheck he got to do the film. And so he's just really carrying it inside. He's like, no, I get what it feels like to be here just for the money.
SPEAKER_01And that really comes across in screen. It's really nice.
SPEAKER_00It's a nuanced role.
SPEAKER_01We we are revealed that he still has his powers because he's like, I'm making a smoothie, and then he gets his finger. And what can only be described as like, you know, you know, he fingers his milkshake. It's foul. It's gross.
SPEAKER_00I don't know how else to do it. Like it just was upsetting. And the fact he then drops, but are we saying that he's got a long fingernail and that's what slices the banana? No, because in my mind it's it's gonna be just mush.
SPEAKER_01It's like imagine putting a vibrator in a smoothie can, like, you're not gonna get a beautiful blend. Yeah. You're getting mashed, you know, you're more you're muddling of anything. You're a more of a muddler, you know.
SPEAKER_00I think that would have been a great ending to when There Will Be Blood if he was just like, your milkshake, I finger it right up, and he just blends it. It's a much more iconic uh line, but here's the thing, Daniel would have nailed it. Daniel would and Dano would have known how to react. That's what's great about There Will Be Blood. That's the problem. Powerhouses.
SPEAKER_01That's the problem, you know. Courtney and Tim just don't have that rat-a-tabo today live.
SPEAKER_00Tim and this Tim and this one smoothie he's made just haven't got the chemistry to keep it going on.
SPEAKER_01And that's why you need someone to helmet, you know, a Paul Thomas Anderson really can get a milkshake performance out of someone.
SPEAKER_00I'd want to see PTA zoom. Yeah. And that'd work. I'm sure it's very Magnolia-esque.
SPEAKER_01Of course. It's three hours and it's epic.
SPEAKER_00And it's mostly the milkshake scene. Uh Courtney Cox has this whole thing where she just can't stand up. She's a slippy one.
SPEAKER_01Uh, they do stop doing this bit though.
SPEAKER_00So I thought it was gonna be that she's baiting him to zoom over and grab her. That's what I thought as well. And that the End she'd do it and he would use his powers to do it, and she'd go, I'm not really a klutz, I'm just baiting you. Yes, because she's a psychologist as well, right? Yes, weird to never do it. It's real check off setup.
SPEAKER_01Check off slip. She slips three times, he goes, You're a clumsy bitch. And then he she goes, Well, nevermore.
SPEAKER_00I guess I'll she walks in, she's like, we're in flats today. Realized it was a heel thing, and I wouldn't have known that if you hadn't called me out as a bitch. Yeah, so thank you.
SPEAKER_01It was mean, but hey, here I am, not slipping. Sometimes we all have to hear that.
SPEAKER_00And I'm sorry, but Tim, you have body odor. What are you gonna do about your thing? Because I've fixed mine.
SPEAKER_01He's like, No, I'm gonna just go finger another milkshake. I'm gonna go, I'm gonna go finger some smells.
SPEAKER_00And I've never washed it. That's probably the. He was a mechanic. He would have had oil on his goddamn finger. That's nuts as he looks around as well to make sure nobody can see him do this to the milkshake. He knows it's wrong.
SPEAKER_01Yeah, it's a faux part. Because we also should get into the world. What's the go with superheroes?
SPEAKER_00So they're aware they're there.
SPEAKER_01They're aware that they're here. Yeah. But it seems like there's a kind of like uh an embarrassment to them, but it's not like X-Men level where they're like, we should kill these freaks, you know?
SPEAKER_00An actual hilarious lack of world building. In a way I've never seen to say this is what the world is, and you're like, and what and what is the world? And they're like, we d we haven't thought about it.
SPEAKER_01We're gonna spend a lot of time into inside. Yeah. This is gonna be mainly inside.
SPEAKER_00We don't like outside, so this is mostly inside. What does the world think then?
SPEAKER_01We're not to you're not to know. Not to know. We'll start the movie at this mechanic shop, we're gonna be in a facility for 82 minutes, and then at the end we will be in a desert.
SPEAKER_00We'll be in a nice isolated area that nobody can.
SPEAKER_01In the middle of LA, so don't worry about it. It is crazy they breeze over because some people would display their powers.
SPEAKER_00Yeah, you'd think it would be uh A boy goes fully invisible in front of a class and barely anyone bats an eye. They're like, oh, this shit again.
SPEAKER_01This is classic him. Send him to gamma. Yeah, and he's abducted for weeks, it would seem.
SPEAKER_00Also, are they abducted or are they volunte do they volunteer to go? How do they find these kids? I don't know if there's like a helpline or they reporters, yeah.
SPEAKER_01I guess so if there's a freak in my class, but some of these powers definitely, you know, it's crazy. Like, I feel like people are just bullying people. Like, someone's like, he blinks a lot, and that's like that's mean, you know. He's off. Yeah.
SPEAKER_00They're like, oh, what's your thing? I'm a bit off. Yeah, they've got a smell and they're sort of a bit poor. Is that a power? We've got a lot of them. I'm middle class. They're like, that's great. Get on in it, Riptorns like jump on him. We'll pump you for the gamma. Show us how to shop right.
SPEAKER_01You're gonna be the I need a budget. Can you help me, budget boy? Can you do that for me, middleman?
SPEAKER_0080 bucks to stretch two weeks. What are you gonna do about it? And they're like, not my first forte. Uh-oh.
SPEAKER_01You ever had pasta at a very cheap sauce? Yeah, you're gonna have a cue.
SPEAKER_00Ever thought about that for every meal? Buddy, you've got money left over.
SPEAKER_01Uh oh. Should we get some rice and maybe some chickpeas? Uh-oh. It's tinned.
SPEAKER_00And that's a fun little meal for you, too. Two meals already. The military savan.
SPEAKER_01Um, yeah, they do, they get Tim, they go, hey Tim. They they drug Tim, don't they? They're not. Yeah, they do.
SPEAKER_00It's a a weird gag that then they're like, and if you do it, we'll give you $500,000. And he's like, then why'd you drug me? Yeah. And it felt like that had to be brought up because they couldn't work out what his driving force should be to be here. Yeah. I feel like they were making up the movie as they went along, if I'm honest.
SPEAKER_01It feels like that because there's a couple, I mean, we'll get into the the main issue with the film is that it's kind of built on just montages. To the point that you kind of go, where they just didn't have the script, and they were like, I guess just have fun with it, and then they had fun with it for the two months of filming. They went, Oh, we j we didn't film any techniques.
SPEAKER_00It's a lot of kids being like just running around having fun. Because is his backstory that his whole super family died and his brother got trapped in a vortex. Yes. And we're to believe that that's what sort of made him jaded. Yeah. But we are also meant to be against the military because the military used gamma radiation on himself and the rest of the family, right? So who killed the family? I assume they were fighting a big bad. Oh, so they weren't just fighting the brother.
SPEAKER_01No, I think they were fight Oh, I thought they were fighting a big bad. Okay. And then the energy thing sucked him in.
SPEAKER_00Right, okay. I was trying to work out, because in the end, this movie doesn't have a villain. Like everything gets the military isn't the villain, Chevy Chase isn't the villain.
SPEAKER_01The driving force is that uh his brother is slowly making his way to where they the end fight, which is very convenient for them, you know, just like he'll be they're like hanging around the the final place. Yeah, it's crazy.
SPEAKER_00It almost feels like the actor was late to set. Yeah. And they were like, he's he'll be here any moment. And he rocks up eight minutes before the credits roll, and he's like, I'm ready to go, everybody.
SPEAKER_01It was odd they didn't cast, I don't know, a name for this.
SPEAKER_00Anyone. Yeah. Like, can you imagine for 2006 Timothy Chalamet walks out? I mean, I I could.
SPEAKER_01I'd gasp. Yeah. Could you imagine if his first role was Zoom and then he was in Dune?
SPEAKER_00God, that would be what a imagine being like, the kid from Zoom, he's in Call Me by Your Name. Watch it, I guess.
SPEAKER_01But yes, Tim Allen's drugged by Courtney Cox. He's brought to the facility. We then get the first montage of all the kids. Should we go through the kids?
SPEAKER_00Yeah, so we've got some absolutely useless children and some great ones as well.
SPEAKER_01Um, we have We've got Cindy, she's a little girl that's very strong. That's sort of her thing. Classic small child.
SPEAKER_00Because it's fun that the small child would be strong. It's like calling a big guy tiny. That's fucking funny. It's really good. Fucking funny. Now imagine that in rat form. And then watch, and then watch Flushed Away.
SPEAKER_01You gotta watch Flushed Away, guys. It's so fucking good. We've also got Summer Jones. That's Kate Mara. Couldn't believe I named it. Is that her name? Yeah.
SPEAKER_00Well, she doesn't even need a superhero name. Summer Jones.
SPEAKER_01It is very oh, it's Jessica Jones. That's what I'm thinking. Jones is a great suffix if you want to be a superhero. It sure is. Her whole thing is invisibility, uh, not invisible, telekinesis, bit of heating stuff up. It's a vague power of being able to move molecules and just things, you know?
SPEAKER_00You know what's funny? She's essentially trapped in the same movie as Fantastic Four. That's what I was thinking. The exact same. She's like, I'm in a compound. Yeah. Just running around, learning my powers.
SPEAKER_01Do you think she was like the production was the exact same? She's going, Jesus Christ, not again. Yeah. They're like, we've got your wig. They're like, this happened last time. I can't be doing that.
SPEAKER_00They're like, they're like, um, we're thinking of getting Tim Allen as Doom. She's like, no!
SPEAKER_01This is the same. It essentially is a Fantastic Four, but just Tim Allen is Doctor Doom, but he's at the facility and can't be like, you guys, yeah, you'll hate it.
SPEAKER_00It's Fantastic Four if for whatever reason there was a fifth guy going, uh attention on me, guys. Negging them the whole time.
SPEAKER_01Just like, guys, I used to be big, and now you guys are ruining my vibe. We've also got Dylan, he turns invisible. He's kind of the hot boy, you know. Yeah, he's been elected as the leader, and I don't think he's the dream boat, he is literally the oldest because you've also got one child, another child, Kate Mara, and him. So really that that is really only one option. But I just feel like she's got the better powers. So I feel like she should be in charge. I agree. I also think invisible is not really a a a leader, you know. Literally a literally, you know, spineless.
SPEAKER_00I gotta tell you, if somebody was like my superpowers being invisible, I'll lead the team, I'll be like, not today. You're actually you've essentially got a fight or flight mechanism that most animals, most lizards have. Yeah. And so the fact you've got that in human form doesn't make you special. Yeah. This lady right here is throwing things around space with her mouth.
SPEAKER_01That's that's that's that's the leader potential.
SPEAKER_00There's sort of nothing better than that. It's sort of the best thing you have is that power.
SPEAKER_01So you say that, but then we get we are actually Spencer Breslin, who's played who's Tucker.
SPEAKER_00Yeah.
SPEAKER_01And his whole thing is getting real big, but parts of his body. Like a little, like a little, like a little freak, a little balloon boy, you know?
SPEAKER_00I couldn't believe the special effects when this happened. I just was like, just make his head big. Like make his actual head big. Why have we gone for a cartoon boy's head? Yeah, we're gone for a CGI one.
SPEAKER_01It's kind of disgusting. The first image is he's jumping off the uh uh the pool. Yeah. And it's 2006, so you know it's fat phobic. They're just like, hey fatty, kill yourself, and he's just like, what am I arse big? And the whole pool blows up, and everyone's like, you're disgusting. Get in the Tim Allen chamber.
SPEAKER_00I gotta tell you, people were very upset about getting wet at the pool. I thought that did not make sense to me.
SPEAKER_01They were like, oh, there's water everywhere. I was like, buddy, where have you come to? Yeah, I wore socks. You shouldn't have. You shouldn't have. This is a flip-flops place. Come on! Everyone knows flip-flops and notes water, you know. You're very rarely around dry flip-flops.
SPEAKER_00No, that's right. The um the his superpower, useless. I don't think he needs to be a part of the team. And I think whoever came up with it is fucked in the head.
SPEAKER_01It is pretty disgusting. It feels pretty good. It's a horrible superpower. Yeah, it's pretty vile. At one point, like Tim Allen's pressed up against like the wall, and you could just sort of see his belly button like scrubbing against the glass. I was like, that's disgusting.
SPEAKER_00It's gross.
SPEAKER_01Yeah.
SPEAKER_00It's really gross.
SPEAKER_01It is disgusting.
SPEAKER_00Anytime this is, and this isn't because of the actor, it's just because the character is so grotesque. Yeah. Hated him on screen. Yeah. And anytime they tried to humanize him, I just went, no. Just put him down. I don't know why they picked him. There was somebody that they should have picked. There was a kid that spits a bunch of stuff at Tim Allen. That was a pretty good superboard.
SPEAKER_01Which is quite fun. These four make it, but yeah, you're right. You get the spitting kid.
SPEAKER_00Tim Allen's sort of the Simon.
SPEAKER_01He he sort of sitting there with the Simon haircut, and I feel like I feel who's Quincy. I feel like Chevy was Quincy. Yeah.
SPEAKER_00And uh that means Courtney Cox was.
unknownOh.
SPEAKER_01I wanna say Lisa, but I don't know who that is.
SPEAKER_00I can do the Australian one. Like it should be Marsha Hines. I can't do the American one. Was Quincy on the American one?
SPEAKER_01Isn't yeah, isn't that? Really? He's like uh like the first, not Quincy Jones, no, who am I thinking? It's a no from me dog. What was that guy's name? Was it not Q?
SPEAKER_00I feel like it was Q. I don't want to look it up. I don't want to I don't want to know.
SPEAKER_01I like so Marsha Hines, go for the metaphor. Okay, so okay, I guess Chevy's our dico. We've got Kenny's Kenny's Chevy. And I guess we've got uh Lucy Dakis as uh Oh, you're going off of new Australian items. Maybe you know, I I apologize. That's my that's my hubris, you know. I only know the one of the good one. You want to do you want to do whatever one had Mark Holden on it. That's the that's the one you want. Anybody who doesn't live in Australia is angry right now. This is horrible.
SPEAKER_00But here's the thing, guys, while these names may sound nonsense to you. If you listed your country's Australian idol judges, they'd sound like nonsense to me.
SPEAKER_01It's also fun as well because even though we listed off some Australian celebrities, really they have no there's they're not celebrities. No.
SPEAKER_00Well, Marsh's huge. Her daughter was on the mass singer Australia.
SPEAKER_01Fuck, we're a small world, but god, we're big, you know. We've got like four of like the biggest A listers, and then we don't have much else. We really don't, we cannot do the middle, the middle celebrity. We're tall poppies, but if you get past that, god you'll sore.
SPEAKER_00You're huge. Until the point that like you're just not talked about, you know, like nobody everybody's like Margaret's one of the biggest people on the planet, and she's from Australia, and we're all like, is she? Didn't know. Didn't know. Huh. There you go. We're weird. I like to run neighbours. Fuck you.
SPEAKER_01Yeah, so we are this is the this is the crew.
SPEAKER_00Yeah, it's a bad crew, and I think Tim Ellen's right to be annoyed. I think he's right to go, so you've assembled me a pack of children. Why haven't they assembled people, like men and women?
SPEAKER_01Like, I think I think in a real grim way, disposable, or they think worst comes to worst, we can pump through a gamma, and that's but surely you need adult consent.
SPEAKER_00Like, surely where are these kids' parents?
SPEAKER_01They all orphan freaks. Well, I'm saying if the world building was better, then they could be like, oh, they're disgusting, they should be killed. But it seems like they're pretty chill.
SPEAKER_00They did not want to work out the world that this thing existed in. Their their vehicle of choice is a flying saucer, which I thought crumbled everything. What the fuck is this evening? I don't know what they're doing.
SPEAKER_01This is the only time we go outside, and we're not even outside, it's an interior of the UFO.
SPEAKER_00Um, let's just get into what actually you're actually you're probably right, because really there's It's this montage, and then they all meet, and then there's like a we don't really get along montage, and then there's the Tim Allen I'm warming up to you montage, and then they flip-flop from Tim Allen being with them and not with them.
SPEAKER_01It feels like they just mixed up. I think they forgot they had, you know, a narrative to tell because constantly the kids are now back on Tim Allen's side, you know.
SPEAKER_00The only montage I liked was the one that had Smash Mouse cover of Under Pressure. Yes. Because I'd never heard anything like it before. No.
SPEAKER_01And I went, oh, it's all off. It's it's might be the most vile thing I've heard in a lot of time.
SPEAKER_00It's like if they left the original version in the sun. That's what it sounds like.
SPEAKER_01Freddie Mercury, like you know Freddie Mercury's teeth. Like, imagine you saw that man and thought, I wonder what he would sound like if he sang under pressure. It's kind of that, but like 20s new 2000s new metal.
SPEAKER_00Yes, that's right. Yeah. It's sort of it sort of sounds like what if an ogre sang under pressure. Yeah. Which ironically means this would have been perfect in Shrek. It would have been really good.
SPEAKER_01Which is a big shame. It would have been nice when he was under pressure perchance. You know, that would be nice. Yeah. I think it's all the songs. Isn't Shrek always under pressure?
SPEAKER_00Shrek's always under pressure, and that's what makes him Shrek. Yeah.
SPEAKER_01He's like a diamond, you know. He's like, he's under pressure, but he got he shines. God he shines. Can I wait for the fifth one? Sixth one? I can't remember which one is up to. Fifth.
SPEAKER_00Because Shrek 4. Forever after. Forever after. Forever after. And Shrek the third. Yeah. So the numbers in the title mechanical denote what they're up to.
SPEAKER_01That's clever. That's clever. I do a lot of other films. Absolutely.
SPEAKER_00The next one's just called Shrek 5. Okay. Which makes me sad.
SPEAKER_01Yeah, it should have been like uh Chive. Yeah. Uh like like like like chive chive and chive and uh cream cheese, you know, sort of that sort of thing. As a suffix. Could that work? You're giving me a nod. Yeah, aggressively.
SPEAKER_00I'm just gonna let you keep digging.
SPEAKER_01That's fine. I'll sour cream and Pringles Chive and Onion. Oh, onion, you know, could tie back. Wait, I'm getting there. Shrek fi Shrek Shrek Shrek Chive and onion. You've got it. You've definitely got something. Shrek Chive and onion. Shrek Chive and Onion. Wow. Very good. Do you want to laugh? Okay. Jack Shepherd ended the film. I like it because it sounds like he's Dax Shepherd. That's uh that is um Tim Allen's name.
SPEAKER_00Now for the children at home, Dax Shepherd was a comedian back in 05. Um and he married Kristen Bell and it has not worked out for him. Wait, are they not still together? I think they are still together, but his career's not well. She's thriving. He's got like the biggest podcast ever. Dax Shepherd does.
SPEAKER_01Yeah. I'm not a joke. I don't believe you. I'm completely serious. He's like number like five on like Dax Shepherd. Yeah. I I'm What opinion has he got that's good? Carl, I'm we're having the exact same reaction. I'm just telling you the information. I'm also the opinion. I don't understand how Dax Shepherd is nailing it in the podcast world. I've never heard of the word podcast, you know. And maybe we're, you know, Glass House, but hey. But hey, yeah, I don't, you know, shouldn't have been.
SPEAKER_00He's getting a call from his agent being like, You've made a buddy you were brought up on who would watch this. No way.
SPEAKER_01You know, he's got a massive podcast.
SPEAKER_00Dax Shepherd does.
SPEAKER_01He's pretty much gone, I'm doing a podcast. The third lead of Zatura. Precisely.
SPEAKER_00Oh, yeah. I know surely she was she had less lines than him.
SPEAKER_01You're probably right. She gets iced. She does get ice. Yeah, she gets free. Goodness. It's a great film. It's a great film. Uh no, he does have a uh a podcast. He's doing quite well. I think he's probably bringing the bacon, you know.
SPEAKER_00Well, good for him, I guess. Yeah.
SPEAKER_01I mean, I can't apologise on air.
SPEAKER_00Yeah, uh sorry, Dax. Yep. I'm gonna assume you're you're you're probably right-leaning, and that's your success. I think he's been in the podcast game for a while. I think Dax Shepherd has.
SPEAKER_01Yeah.
SPEAKER_00From without a paddle.
SPEAKER_01Yeah. Precisely. He finished, he wrapped the film, and he grabbed a mic.
SPEAKER_00From Employee of the Mum.
SPEAKER_01Yep. Dax Shepherd. You see, you're revealing yourself as a bit of a Dax Shepherd's head, you know. Loved Dax back in the day.
SPEAKER_00Honestly, you listen to this podcast, it's Dax Shepard's hit and run of that. The one he wrote and directed. Precisely post starring Bradley Cooper. That Dax Shepard. Did you have a Dax Shepard DVD box? Don't know where this is coming from, but I'm shocked to hear it.
SPEAKER_01Um, so we get another, there's been six montages. I can't trust you. The film was made up of montages. I'm exhausted. I'm just trying to pick and choose. At one point, Courtney Cox, like, hey kids, come over here. See these comics? This is our Bible.
SPEAKER_00Yeah. It was my my favorite Courtney Cox moment was she was like, Come over here, Kate Mara, and look at this hideous dress you can wear. What the hell was this? This was a horrible dress.
SPEAKER_01Like, you guys graduated, congratulations. Courtney Cox, she's meant to be like a science nerd. She's like, Kate Mara, I know you want to impress the boy Dylan, because you guys have been tuning. How about I give you, and I shit you not, an ill-fitting dress with a pattern of a carpet and a big belt. It doesn't work. It didn't work in 2006, it doesn't work now.
SPEAKER_00It's real bad. Yeah. And I think it's I think it's a shame that she came into the party looking like this.
SPEAKER_01I thought Courtney Cox had purposely uh tried to.
SPEAKER_00You reckon she wants that invisible boyfriend.
SPEAKER_01I think she wants that Dylan Cock. I think she wants that Dylan Cock. And unfortunately, Kate Maher was in there first, you know? Yeah. You know, it's unfortunate.
SPEAKER_00It's it's actual sabotage to see it unfold on screen. The only thing that's helping is that also he is poorly dressed. He has got a two-pocket long sleeve shirt on. It is not working for him either.
SPEAKER_01No, he's really dressed as sort of like a 15-year-old at a dance. Yeah.
SPEAKER_00I guess they both are. Yeah. Purposely so, but in such a hideous way. I think I don't remember anyone in high school musical dressing this poorly.
SPEAKER_01Well, it was 2006, that's the thing. I think the GFC really, you know, we have to we had to adapt. And I dare I say, I think we really came to the you know, we came to the ball running.
SPEAKER_00I think this is where the movie's budget is showing. When they go, I've got a beautiful dress for you. And the dress the poem was like, what can we afford? And they're like, You've got four dollars from Kmart, but nine years ago. Yeah. Go. Go.
SPEAKER_01You're like, I guess we'll we'll nail it, you know? Yeah.
SPEAKER_00Um it's they smile, they go, okay, what if we dress everyone poorly in the scene then? And then and then this will look good by comparison. And it didn't, it didn't, it made it look worse, it stood out.
SPEAKER_01It was kind of like a duff thing, but I think it was almost like reverse. Everyone was like, oh god, this is everyone looks ugly and this shines for this.
SPEAKER_00It's one of those things where children shouldn't trust an adult's opinion on ever. Yeah. I think you've got to work out your own style. Totally. And I think Kimara knew her style pre-Courtney Cox coming in and saying dress bland. Yeah. You know?
SPEAKER_01Bland. This was an eyesore.
SPEAKER_00This was dress stop. Okay, she you know what she decided though? She was like, What if she peacocked? Oh. Everybody turned their heads to look at that hideous dress.
SPEAKER_01I will say this the only other dress that is mentioned in the film is Courtney Cox's uh original green dress. And at that point, Tim Allen is so horny that he's willing to go back into the superhero game. Like he just is like, Courtney, if you're wearing that green dress, I'll be down in a mine. So maybe Courtney has only been given positive reinforcement. That's true. You know?
SPEAKER_00Ever since Tim Allen's arrived, she's been complimented daily and it's doing wonders for her.
SPEAKER_01She's like, I've been dressing like dog shit, and Tim Allen's like, I still want to hump you, and she's like, fuck it. I've got style. It must be the style.
SPEAKER_00I just did not believe Courtney Cox was a scientist. She was like, I my life was like this, and I was like, shut up. Or it wasn't.
SPEAKER_01And that's not an L on Courtney Cox. I just don't think it's a good thing.
SPEAKER_00It's a little I don't whoa.
SPEAKER_01I don't think she's good in this. That I'm not saying that. I'm not sure. Why are you praising her? Fine, I'll praise her. I really think she brought a lot to the mise en you know? I think she really and by that I mean she blended in the background.
SPEAKER_00She is genuinely um and I think I would say the same of Tim Allen. Look, I think Courtney Cox is being a little bit more she's got more, she's bringing more energy to the role than Tim Allen, who is massively phoning it in. And one of the reasons I'm bored is because he's so fucking bored here. He is most of his scenes, he's sitting.
SPEAKER_01You know, like he's like sitting, he starts standing up, and then midway through goes, nah, goes back down. And the camera cast goes what the hell? Okay, where'd he go? Where'd he go? It was quick zoom.
SPEAKER_00It was nuts to come into a movie called Zoom and be like, hey, I I want to do a a lot more sitting than the average role.
SPEAKER_01It's not like they're doing a thing where like he used to be real speedy and now he's a slow old dog. Yeah. He's I think he he's just like, I'm I've had a lot of catering. I don't wanna I'm not standing up.
SPEAKER_00This guy, for whatever reason, has said I'm only gonna shoot my scenes after lunch when he's clearly at his drowsiest. And I think that's shitty on him, but I also don't think the schedulers should have allowed that. No. He was like, I like to sleep in and then back to back two big meals. I like a late breakfast and an early lunch.
SPEAKER_01And then we could shoot. I'll be so filled. You wouldn't believe it. A suit for you, Timmy's like, I don't care, I'll squeeze into it. And then he just drowns it.
SPEAKER_00There's scenes of him just rubbing his belly going, zoom.
SPEAKER_01Chevy's just over there doing slurs.
SPEAKER_00He's like, God, justn't it nuts two of the most unlikable celebrities in Hollywood are just facing off in Zoom.
SPEAKER_01And I got and they are really, they're two powerhouses giving fucking nothing.
SPEAKER_00Should we talk about the scene where the kids find Chevy Chase just tending to a garden and they spend four minutes kind of trying to kill him with different elements?
SPEAKER_01Because these four kids have sort of been bonding, but I don't know why, because they have nothing in common. Nothing in common. They're all very different ages. One seven all the way up to 17. I can't imagine they're chatting about anything. But yes, you're right. Chevy Chase is in sort of like uh a terrarium where I guess they would test things. Yeah. And there's a bunch of evil buttons that are just like sh falling rocks and rain. And the kids lock him in. Kate Mara locks him, like hermetically seals him in this room, uh, and they just fuck with him. And I assumed this was like essentially, we've got Chevy for Chase. His thing is whole slapstick. Let's give him a place to do slapstick. Okay, it is 2006, so he's showing his wear. And I feel like has not got that community boost, so he is whoofed. This is not fun.
SPEAKER_00Well, he's got he's also being told to stand still and react. Yeah. Clearly because they've been doing visual effects in this scene, so he's always gotta be still for when they snap on whatever makeup they've put on him post-the scene happening. Yeah. And so he's got no way to react. He never steps or moves. And it's just going through the motions of what buttons are pressed, yeah, and what crap ends up on his face. And it's long.
SPEAKER_01It's such a long scene. It sort of ends with uh them pressing the skunk button. And this skunk.
SPEAKER_00Why is there a skunk button? I couldn't believe that there was a skunk button. No. I was like, it it was an odd choice to A put it in there, but then they put a glass thing over it, so they knew that was a a a diamond ticket of a button. Oh, it was a reveal, yeah, exactly.
SPEAKER_01You know? I can't imagine who was going in here. That was what they tested.
SPEAKER_00Who is this for? You know? Smelly girl. You know what would be crazy, straight up, if Pepe LePew walked out, cartoonerized uh into the movie, and we went, okay, this movie's got some legs.
SPEAKER_01Okay, uh sort of who frame Roger Rabbit sort of situation. Yeah.
SPEAKER_00And we just went, This is what we're doing now? Love that.
SPEAKER_01I would love they have uh a pervy uh skunk button. Because that's that's good use of military weapons, you know. I you know, I think maybe people criticized America's sort of military spending. If this was at the in their arsenal, I'm all for it. I want to say it right now the Who would watch his boys are big supporters of the military if this is what they have in their background.
SPEAKER_00If they're skunking, if they're spending all their times, if they're saying to us, hey, we've we've accidentally spent $300 billion developing skunks, I was like, oh nice.
SPEAKER_01Oh, that's weird. Cartoon, like, you know it. You know it. Now, how horny are they? I'm talking European horny.
SPEAKER_00We have a big, unfortunately, there's we do have an issue with how horny they are. They are deeply addicted to other skunks. Yeah.
SPEAKER_01I'm talking kissing, they're stretching, even when the skunk does not want to.
SPEAKER_00As much as Wily Coyote wants to get the roadrunner, our skunks want another skunk. Yeah. So and we don't know what to do about that because he's again such a such an incredible weapon for us. Yeah. A near nuke. Yeah. If if you could.
SPEAKER_01Of course. So I mean, I and like look, politically it's not politically correct, you know, but hey, that's warfare, you know? And sometimes you gotta do it.
SPEAKER_00You know what would be frustrating is because you'd just end up with a lot more skunks, wouldn't you? Yeah. You'd be like, so what you did was you you made skunks more horny and then sent them out into the world to just breed even faster and harder.
SPEAKER_01And what's the sort of uh stinks out the place? I guess that is actually a good weapon. You know what? Actually, suddenly this military seems too dumb.
SPEAKER_00A good way, it's a good way to get land is to suddenly be like, there's a lot of skunk you're in skunk land.
SPEAKER_01Sorry, you know, China. It's all stinky in here, and they have to go over the wall and we get it.
SPEAKER_00Imagine dropping like, I don't know what, 40 ton of skunk just down. Yeah. But they split. You're getting the Bahamas. That's all yours, you know? Yeah, that's done. Yeah. And then they I guess they go in and they eradicate the skunks. Well then I assume they have a skunk, uh, anti-skunk thing.
SPEAKER_01You know, you don't A wolf?
SPEAKER_00Oh my god. But here's the thing with the wolf. They're very horny.
SPEAKER_01Very horny and they're blowing.
SPEAKER_00We don't know how to do it without making them horny. I'm so sorry. He's going woo-hoo!
SPEAKER_01He's going a ooger.
SPEAKER_00Yes.
SPEAKER_01He's smacking his head with his mallet, he's got piano key, like sort of teeth. All horny stuff.
SPEAKER_00And now is this wolf attracted to more other wolves? Uh-uh. Singers in jazz clubs. Yeah. That's what he loves.
SPEAKER_01I'm talking busty, uh, you know.
SPEAKER_00Talking a Betty Boopstitch.
SPEAKER_01I'm talking a dame, you know. I'm talking like a like a like a like a PI dame, you know, sort of situation, you know. It's it's it's great, you know.
SPEAKER_00We're not even sure they eat skunks.
SPEAKER_01We don't know why we've made them, really. They cartoon, no, these are completely real. This is a wolf. Yeah, this is a wolf. This is a wolf. Proper wolf.
SPEAKER_00This is a proper wolf.
SPEAKER_01I'll be honest, the cartoon, uh, it being horny, a lot more terrifying when it's real.
SPEAKER_00Gotta tell you right now, we're playing a dangerous game as gods.
SPEAKER_01No. It's look, you know, did we ask, should we? No. No. But did we? Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.
SPEAKER_00We absolutely did. Has anyone ever told you life finds a way? Because but no, unbeknownst to us, big shock.
SPEAKER_01I've got who's got two seatbelts. I need two seatbelts, and I want to mash them together. And that's pretty much what we did with the skunks and the wolves. We just fucking. And that's and that's and that's how we conquered the world.
SPEAKER_00Anyway, and yeah, it was $300 billion. No more questions. Press conference. We don't ever we haven't got a single one. Keep doing the good the Lord's work. Did you hear did you hear the head of the military just ramble the other day? What a fucking conference.
SPEAKER_01Oh my god. I, you know, I 100% approval rating. It's just good stuff, you know. You can't be mad about that. Carl, these freaking lovable teens get in a UFO and they go to Wendy's.
SPEAKER_00Oh, God, what a waste of time this film is. They can't come up with a single interesting plot for them to do. They never get trained on how to like defeat anything or do anything. I'm not really sure when they master their powers. Tim Allen's being so shitty to everybody. He is mean to absolutely everybody on screen. He is was he a roast comic?
SPEAKER_01I don't think that was a th I don't think so.
SPEAKER_00But I think his sort of I feel like his sense of humor in his movies is to is at the expense of somebody being the butt of a joker.
SPEAKER_01I think he is. I think he's not a mean comedian, but I think he's like quick, and that's all like his thing. Yeah. I think he's like an angry dad that's muttering to himself, just like these teens, emos, go get yourself, you know.
SPEAKER_00You know what's funny is I wonder if this style of comedy, but also archetype of a dad has maybe gone out of style.
SPEAKER_01Oh, massively, massively.
SPEAKER_00Because I feel like dads now are very much like uh I I know my my child, I like my child. Thousand percent. Like not they're not as jaded as they were.
SPEAKER_01No, but just because I think undercurrent, it's just like do you talk to your kids like no? I drink. Yeah, that's right. I don't want to talk to them. Yeah, and now I think parents are like, no, I'll I'll learn the name. I'll learn its name. Which is good, which is a positive. I feel like, yeah, people like masculinity's gone down here. It's like, I don't know, you know your kid's name is nice, you know. Yeah, yeah, this is I think semi-done, you know. More just like as like uh, this is the standard, you know? Yeah, it's so crazy how much it's changed from like I because he was like probably 80s, 90s, I feel like his show.
SPEAKER_00Yeah, well, I mean, you would have also had like married with children. Remember that one? Yeah. With the with the Layla and Ed Harris? Yeah. And that was the similar sort of thing of like uh my suburban life is miserable. Like I would just want to sit at home and watch TV and I don't care about my kids or my wife, but I kind of do when it's not.
SPEAKER_01It's because it's doing that, but I think gives it heart. And I think when it's positive, like Homer's like learning to not do that. Yeah. I think that's like always the most endearing thing about that show, you know?
SPEAKER_00Yeah, well, I mean they always make a the I mean it's always like at the butt of a joke, but they always show that like Abe was not very nice to him, but did care about him sometimes. And Homer's got almost double that amount of love for his kids. Totally. So it's like just breaking through a little.
SPEAKER_01Triples it up, you know. Totally, yeah.
SPEAKER_00I reckon Bart would be a nice dad. I reckon he'd really he'd come good in his college years. Of course, of course. I think every time you skip forward, I was like, I don't think Bart would be like this. I think he would learn, I think he'd find his way. Yeah, I think Lisa would be a mess. No, Maggie.
SPEAKER_01Whenever they're like Maggie went into drugs, I'm like, yeah, I don't know. Yeah, that makes sense. Yeah, makes sense.
SPEAKER_00When they're like, oh look, she's got a crack pipe. Yeah. And you're like, Well, the substance is edgy and they've nailed it at Maggie.
SPEAKER_01Oh god, it's just good stuff. Yeah, no, this UFO goes for a while. Yes.
SPEAKER_00Um, they leave in the UFO to go to the brother. Yeah.
SPEAKER_01But like that more that could be just a cartridge. I do like they got Ubered.
SPEAKER_00Yes, they could have just gotten an Uber. Yeah. I really like that there is a scene when um Tim Allen's telling Invisible Boy his backstory. Yeah. And Invisible Boy guesses that the villain was his brother. And I was like, how did you put that together? I just don't think I would have made such a big leap. Big leap, and dare I say rude.
SPEAKER_01Yeah, you're saying a story. I'm not getting like is it a brother?
SPEAKER_00It's actually it's a really big thing to throw out there, because if you are wrong, it's an odd thing to be wrong about when you're like, nope, he was a stranger to me. Yeah. Why would you think he's my brother?
SPEAKER_01Yeah.
SPEAKER_00Like if I was like, I have an enemy, like related, I'm like, no, just nope.
SPEAKER_01He wronged me.
SPEAKER_00Why would he be related? Yeah. I think that's something you've actually got to talk your way out of. Yeah. So I think it's odd that Tim Allen takes it on the chin.
SPEAKER_01It is because Tim Allen had to be a massive cunt. So it's actually not crazy leap of fave to be like, was he related? Because you've been a massive cunt. Yeah.
SPEAKER_00But I think he's You also could be a villain. So was it you even? You in the mirror.
SPEAKER_01Are we talking about you? Tim has also had like a lot of I some lines uh I wouldn't say funny, but definitely like the one that got me was uh about the guy that expands. He's like, he's fucking useless. The only good use for him is a painting a whole room in a really quick time. Which is uh And that gotcha? I remembered it. Yeah I remembered it, you know.
SPEAKER_00I think it's God Tim Allen just does not work in a kid's movie. I don't know why they kept doing it.
SPEAKER_01I think he could, but I think like Santa Claus, like again, he's getting his comeuppance, and I think the chaos of a thousand elves being like, I fucking hate this. This is ridiculous, and then be like, sorry, buddy, you gotta do it. That's fun. Yeah, that does work. Yeah. Him having all the power and being a burnout, is he also in um that Star Trek movie?
SPEAKER_00Oh, he is great in Galaxy Quest. He's so good, he's really good. But again, he is doing he's doing this. He's doing this, but he's being he's softer. Yeah. And also, you know what? And you know what the difference is for Galaxy Quest as well? Incredible supporting cast to carry the weight of the rest of that movie.
SPEAKER_01Well, I think his dickishness is then played off by all the characters being like completely like. Well, they hate him. Yeah, they all hate him.
SPEAKER_00Yeah, they're like, you wrecked this show for us.
SPEAKER_01God damn, Melbourne.
SPEAKER_00It's so ahead of its time. I love Galaxy Quest. I might rewatch Galaxy Quest. Alright, so look, we're getting up to a stage now where I guess we're getting it. It turns out the military's gonna say, hey, we're just gonna use gamma on the kids because our ticking time clock of when your brother arrives is like tomorrow. Yeah. And we don't think the kids are gonna get it.
SPEAKER_01Gamma is like, I don't know, steroids for magic.
SPEAKER_00You should know if you're a Hulk fan. Yeah.
SPEAKER_01Right in. You a Hulk fan? You a Hulk fan. Just a yes or no. It's just a Bruce, yeah, just exactly.
SPEAKER_00It's actually just a survey result. Marvel wanted us to read it.
SPEAKER_01Survey monkey, we just saw sending out.
SPEAKER_00We're just putting out we're putting our finger on the pulse of Australia. Do you like the Hulk? Eric Banner's like, come on, come on, fingers crossed.
SPEAKER_01Aang setting to another. This time at 120 frames per second, you're getting four times the Hulk.
SPEAKER_00If you like the Hulk, write into us www.cast at gmail.com.
SPEAKER_01Let's just get to this this this ending. It's barely an ending. He actually doesn't have a third clunk. So uh Riptorn and Chevy are chatting, and they're like, hey, we've got a big net. And they're like, great. What else we got? They're like, okay, the net doesn't work. We need Tim to spin in the circle. And Rip's like, is that gonna need it? He's like, no, what we needed with the big net sorted.
SPEAKER_00Do we have to get him his powers back? No, they've been in him the whole time. Yeah. Okay, great.
SPEAKER_01What does he need? I don't know, love. Fuck it.
SPEAKER_00Adoration from others, probably.
SPEAKER_01He seems selfish fucking characters. Like, you know what? If you praise him, maybe he'll fucking do it. If you pay him a lot of money, maybe he'll spit around for a while.
SPEAKER_00Look, Rip, you didn't go to the mechanic shop that he was working at. It was dire. I think if we'd given it another day, he was gonna put that finger in his head. Scramble his brains. What a way to go.
SPEAKER_01Oh my god. Yeah, so we're in the deserts. Uh the the the big his big brother sort of comes down. He's an energy source, and I think he's sure.
SPEAKER_00I just I could so zoom. I couldn't tell you what the fuck is it?
SPEAKER_01He gets there, he goes, Oh Tim. I last time I called you look old, and last time you fucked up somehow. And Tim went, No, I didn't. And then they and then he's like, I guess I'll fight because why am I here? Essentially. The net doesn't work, he immediately gets rid of it. Yeah. So then we're only relying on Tim Allen to do the spinny thing. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. I wish I had more to say. They kind of, you know, don't fight well and then Well, they don't have the money for it.
SPEAKER_00No. It it feels like this is probably the beginning of the second act of any other movie. Like it would be like they get the kids. The kids would that you'd the all of the kids in him should fight and lose to a villain.
SPEAKER_01Yeah.
SPEAKER_00To then pick themselves up over. Yeah. It's weird that they don't have a big all is lost moment or anything. No. So the kids are without.
SPEAKER_01I mean all the lost his moment, they all look at a Tim and go, I don't want to do that. I don't do that. Yeah, Tim is in a bad uniform. He's like, I'm gonna run. He looked really bad in this outfit.
SPEAKER_00Yeah.
SPEAKER_01Cock's just pointing at him.
SPEAKER_00He so clearly was like, make sure my cock is big. And they were like, we're trying to make the first G-rated superhero movie.
SPEAKER_01And he's like, I don't care. I don't care. I want my PP standing attention.
SPEAKER_00Why do you think people come to the movies for my cock outline in an outfit? Now make it happen.
SPEAKER_01Do you want like a six-pack? No, I'm an everyday man.
SPEAKER_00Dads don't care about that.
SPEAKER_01Wait, Tim, who are you doing this for? I'm doing it for the dads of America. People want to see Tim's cock and it's for guys over 50. No, I'm not gay. You hate homopocks. We should hire Courtney. We had Breeze over all this like homophobia, constantly Timmy Allen. He's horrible.
SPEAKER_00I hate Tim Allen. This movie was crap. It made me feel crap. I mean, this is a bad film. Coming with homophobic was kind of racist in parts as well. Like, this is really bad. Courtney Cox is a plot where it turns out she was a superhero all along and she like blows glitter. Sure. Yeah. That was the only twist that got me. Because I was like, this I thought this would have gotten revealed more than a while.
SPEAKER_01I thought the slippiness was a thing, but I guess they forgot to do that. Went, we'll just do a powers thing, you know.
SPEAKER_00They were like, she was at the end, she was like, You're gonna pay off the slipping stuff? And they're like, what do you mean? She was like, I slipped in like three scenes.
SPEAKER_01Blow now.
SPEAKER_00I yeah, you're flipping through. Flipping through those, oh, we just tried to endear you three times. Oh. God, that's a bad oversight from us. The movie's out.
SPEAKER_01Reading the I bought script notes. Make this better every page. All we've done is previs. What do you mean you put it out? I just do really want to quickly say, because the kids go, Tim Allen, probably the best part of the film. He goes, Right, I'm gonna give you guys names. Fatty. Um, it's so bad. It's so bad. Fucking emo's cunt guy. How about woman? And you can be frickin' stupid little girl. And they're like, you know what, Tim? We don't like those names. We're gonna we're gonna call ourselves Houdini, Wanda, Mega Boy, Princess, and Zoom. They were all bad. All bad.
SPEAKER_00They were all bad. You just want to go clear with it, okay? We've got Invisiboy. Yep. Okay. Which was Tim Allen's suggestion. I thought was my way stronger. I think you want to go classic. What the hell does Houdini mean? And also that means you're giving the magician all of your credit. Okay? You wanna you wanna be brand as well. You know, I knew that they were not playing the long game on this movie creating toys when I heard those names. Because I said unmarketable. Yeah. That's not nobody's gonna buy Negaboy. Yeah.
SPEAKER_01This villain might be just a boy. I I really couldn't even remember his name or his motivation. He gets there. And I think now now correct me if I'm wrong, Tim Allen runs so fast in a circle that he makes the bad guy good. And by that I mean he literally sucks out the bad.
SPEAKER_00Yes.
SPEAKER_01Yeah. It's I couldn't tell you what.
SPEAKER_00Beautiful.
SPEAKER_01Yeah.
SPEAKER_00Really comes together.
SPEAKER_01We've been mocking the film.
SPEAKER_00We've been mocking the film and and yeah, it's been homophobic. And yeah, sexist. Yeah. And yeah, fat phobic. And yeah, just an all-round bad watch. But seeing this ending, I knew it was an all-timer.
SPEAKER_01You just you know, you don't want to see I I don't want to say I'm putting it aside, all those flaws, but dare I say maybe it actually maybe I'm on their side now.
SPEAKER_00When this film finally wrapped up, I went, wow, this is one of the most flawed films I've ever seen. Nearly none of this worked. Not a single thing of this movie worked, I don't think. And that in itself's a feature.
SPEAKER_01Carl, who would watch Zoom?
SPEAKER_00God, I don't know. I guess if you're looking down the barrel of a gun, pick the gun.
SPEAKER_01If you're looking at your vibrating finger, thinking, should I just kill my people?
SPEAKER_00Put it through your eye and then chuck it through your ear. Because I gotta tell you, this is a fucking stinker unlike one I've seen in a while. This is uh dog shit.
SPEAKER_01It's fucking vile. Unwatchable for no one. We've we've only talked about bits in the movie. Again, most of it is just them montaging, learning their powers. It seems like they can't.
SPEAKER_00And then Tim Allen being bad to kids. Yeah, a bad time all round. It's also colorless and flat and boring to look at. It's set in a facility on a set stage. It is just a soundstage the entire time, and all the music you hear is smash mouth. It is a fucking torch device of a movie. I cannot believe this was made the way that it is, and it even got put out there like this. I can't believe they sunk 30 million dollars into this movie. It looks bad all the time, all the effects, there's no action, there's no fucking character development. It's so bad. There's no stakes. What a rotten film. That's vile. Absolutely rotten movie for no one.
SPEAKER_01Oscar, who would watch Zoom? Oh look, kids five to twelve, you know. I think I think that's that's it would hit. It would hit. It would hit. Um I saying that though, because I asked my partner, I'm like, why did you watch this so much? That's a great idea. What did she say? Uh she said this was her younger brother's like obsession. So but we've met him. We've met him and that explains a lot. Totally. This guy's a fucking moron. No. He needs help. Well, he would have been four at a time. So I think if you're four. This is just white noise then. Well, that's what I'm saying. I think the montages really are what gets you going. Yeah. Like it's almost like jangling keys.
SPEAKER_00You know what it feels like what this movie to me feels like what some Illumination movies are to me now. Yeah. Where I go, there's there's not even a plot here. What's going on?
SPEAKER_01I feel like honestly, and like this is crazy, but I feel like minions have got more going on. The movie The Minions. Yeah. Like it's like again, I think they're like ref it's odd they're referencing like, I don't know, World War II. Like, what kids getting that out of there? But you are right. It's a lot of just sort of like colours, yeah. And they and they make a funny noise. Even this doesn't really have that though, you know. A lot of Tim Allen, you know, what kids loving Tim Allen?
SPEAKER_00It's just I wanna know what studio was like. The kids love Tim Allen. Like, I get that he was having some hits at the time, but this was this is now way after those hits. Isn't it 2006?
SPEAKER_01Yeah. I think he did Shaggy Dog the same year. Maybe he had a contract with Disney. Wow, that's it. He must have had a contract with Disney or something. It was like a two-picture deal.
SPEAKER_00Of course, he was gonna take the shaggy dog. He's barely in that film. Oh, that's so true. That's a great. That's a very easy shoot for him. Is he not the face of the shaggy dog, though? On the poster, but I don't remember the actual uh dog looking like that in the m in the movie, right? I th it's uh I thought it was a butter, isn't it like a peanut butter dog? Peanut butter mouth dog, like an unreal dog.
SPEAKER_01I can't remember.
SPEAKER_00Let me look up the shaggy dog. I know the poster's Tim Allen is.
SPEAKER_01It's definitely yeah, that's definitely Tim Allen. Yeah, I rem yeah butter.
SPEAKER_00It's like, but a lot of the time it is just the dog. Yeah, no, fair. Look, fair. It's then just like that.
SPEAKER_01You know? God, he re he really lucked out, didn't he? He got to do this and sit down for this film. Fuck.
SPEAKER_00Wow, he was firing and all you know what? If I heard, hey, we can get Tim Allen, but he wants to sit down for most of the movie and he's not going to be trying. As a director, I'd go, okay, great. Well, then we're not working with Tim Allen. Like, I would just like to work with passionate.
SPEAKER_01Who are you to not Venice, who's passionate? No one's here's passionate. Why would you?
SPEAKER_00But that's why it's like, but it's it's like if you're gonna make a movie, at least find someone that goes, I do have a passionate idea to make this work.
SPEAKER_01Do you think they asked around? Everyone went, I haven't got no one had a Zoom passion.
SPEAKER_00This guy just made a farting film, and it they were like, Have you got an idea as to how you do it? And he's like, Yeah, I'm gonna have like this this boy, and he's gonna make his butt like a dump trunk. And they went, That's better than nothing. Go work with Tim. Oh, Carl, that was Zoom month. That's the end of Zoom month.
SPEAKER_01Yeah.
SPEAKER_00Join us next week when we go through all of the bits and bobs that we watched.
SPEAKER_01We missed a few. We're gonna chat about what we've been watching, you know, all that good stuff, you know.
SPEAKER_00And and we're gonna rank our zooms.
SPEAKER_01Yeah.
SPEAKER_00We're gonna rank them.
SPEAKER_01Hells yeah.
SPEAKER_00Yeah. Yep. Thanks for listening.
SPEAKER_01Goodbye. Okay.