In this episode, Matt & Jenn discuss better ways for pursuers -- emotional or sexual -- to better communicate and initiate connection.
The Intimate Covenant Podcast is sponsored by:
Open Door Financial Advisors
www.opendoorfa.com
Where finances meet faith and family.
-----------------------------------------------
Please support these companies that support Intimate Covenant:
To send your comments, questions and suggestions, go to our website: www.intimatecovenant.com/podcast and click on the button: “Contact the Podcast” for an ANONYMOUS submission form. Or, send an email: podcast@intimatecovenant.com
Thanks for sharing, rating, reviewing and subscribing!
Cherishing,
Matt & Jenn
PS — If you have been blessed by the message of this podcast, we would deeply appreciate your support by donating to our mission of spreading God’s plan for intimate marriage and holy sexuality.
Join us at Patreon: www.patreon.com/intimatecovenant
Consider a one-time gift: www.intimatecovenant.com/donate
www.intimatecovenant.com
Intimate Covenant | Matt & Jenn Schmidt
In this episode, Matt & Jenn discuss better ways for pursuers -- emotional or sexual -- to better communicate and initiate connection.
The Intimate Covenant Podcast is sponsored by:
Open Door Financial Advisors
www.opendoorfa.com
Where finances meet faith and family.
-----------------------------------------------
Please support these companies that support Intimate Covenant:
To send your comments, questions and suggestions, go to our website: www.intimatecovenant.com/podcast and click on the button: “Contact the Podcast” for an ANONYMOUS submission form. Or, send an email: podcast@intimatecovenant.com
Thanks for sharing, rating, reviewing and subscribing!
Cherishing,
Matt & Jenn
PS — If you have been blessed by the message of this podcast, we would deeply appreciate your support by donating to our mission of spreading God’s plan for intimate marriage and holy sexuality.
Join us at Patreon: www.patreon.com/intimatecovenant
Consider a one-time gift: www.intimatecovenant.com/donate
www.intimatecovenant.com
Intimate Covenant | Matt & Jenn Schmidt
Hey Jenn, want to talk about better pursuit?
Jenn:Why do I always feel like I'm being hunted?
Matt:Great. Today we're going to discuss better ways to initiate emotional and sexual connection in your marriage. Let's do it. Welcome to the Intimate Covenant podcast, where we believe the Bible and Great Married Sex both belong on your kitchen table. That's right. We're talking about holy covenant-bound intimate relationships with hot sex.
Jenn:We're Matt and Jen, founders of Intimate Covenant. We offer biblical teaching and resources to help married couples achieve a fuller relationship and an extraordinary sex life. For more information, visit our website, IntimateCovenantcom.
Matt:Welcome, friends.
Jenn:Welcome.
Matt:Thanks for joining us. Hey, Jen, how do you feel about date night?
Jenn:I feel great about date night.
Matt:We're all dressed up for date night. If you're on the YouTube channel, you can see that we're looking good and ready to go out. But we have one more thing to complete after a very busy weekend. One more thing to complete before we can get there.
Jenn:Yes. So we're going to nail this recording of the podcast quickly so we can go enjoy date night. One take right, one take. Here we go.
Matt:Speaking of our YouTube channel, like we mentioned last time, you can find us on YouTube. We've added a few new things to the channel some old recordings, but as well as we're going to start putting our podcast on there.
Jenn:That's right. You can go over there and see our shining faces If you want to see how we look for date night tonight join us over there.
Matt:There you go. Also, maybe more important than date night coming up, we also have a couple of important events.
Jenn:We do. We have Seattle coming in July and St Louis coming in August. We are super excited for both of those marriage days. Marriage weekends If you are in those areas, join us.
Matt:You can go to IntimateCovidentcom slash live. That'll get you a listing of all of the upcoming local events. We certainly would love to see you in those places. For those of you that have been anxiously awaiting, registration for the St Louis event is now open. All right, you can find it directly by going to IntimateCovidentcom. Slash, stl, stl.
Jenn:That'll do it. I feel like we're like using airport codes now.
Matt:Well, that are major league baseball.
Jenn:Oh well, there you go?
Matt:I was going.
Jenn:I'm the one who's always buying the airplane tickets, so I think of the airlines, all right. So, matt, today we're talking about pursuits, we're talking about ways that you can pursue well and maybe ways that you aren't doing it not so well.
Matt:There are certainly a lot of ways to pursue and initiate emotional or sexual connection poorly.
Jenn:Right.
Matt:And I would guess that for a lot of couples, and maybe especially for younger couples, there are just a lot of missed connections.
Jenn:That was the truth in our marriage. for sure It took a little bit, you know. I mean, as a young couple, you're still learning how to communicate with one another. You're still learning. you know all the ins and outs of each other, yeah.
Matt:And communication just in and of itself is complicated and it's nuanced Right, and our spouse is not always hearing what we think we are saying.
Jenn:Yes, we have expectations, but our spouse doesn't always know what those expectations are or how they can accommodate them. So we think we're communicating one thing, our spouse is hearing something else, and sometimes it just feels like we have all these places that we're missing one another, right.
Matt:Exactly, and if we have these missed connections for too long, then each spouse is interpreting those missed connections and interpreting their unmet expectations as rejection.
Jenn:Right.
Matt:Right And that perpetual rejection, even if it's unintentional, that perpetual sense of rejection soon turns to resentment.
Jenn:Right, both spouses then take that and they stop, you know, trying to initiate because it hurts. Like I put myself out there, i show that, i think, i show that I want something. My spouse doesn't even acknowledge that and that hurts And so I stop even trying and we can get into a pretty toxic cycle pretty quickly.
Matt:Yeah, of that pursuit and that sense of rejection. And again, even if it's unintentional rejection, but that quickly turns into a toxic cycle, like Jen is saying. but what is needed in these situations is not less desire. It's not like deciding that, well, I guess my needs aren't that important, So I should stop wanting this.
Jenn:I should stop wanting sex, i should stop wanting to talk to my spouse. Right, that's not the answer.
Matt:That's not the answer. That's the answer to have less pursuit. It's not that you need to stop asking. Usually, what's helpful in these situations is not less pursuit but better pursuit, clear communication and appealing invitations to that pursuit.
Jenn:So we're going to answer, we're going to tell everybody how to do that perfectly today, right, matt?
Matt:Well, we're going to at least try to give you some guidelines, maybe some things to think about in how you are pursuing, and maybe how to make that turn out a little bit better and to at least be able to better communicate what it is that you're looking for Now. just like there are lots of poor ways to handle pursuit and initiation, there are also lots of terrible ways to handle your finances.
Jenn:Ah, that's true, And that is why we are so grateful to have Open Door Financial Advisers OpendoorFAcom.
Matt:Yes, so we are grateful, so grateful for the personal attention and for the expert advice that we get from Derek Finley. With Open Door Financial Advisers, we meet regularly with Derek and we know that our unique needs even personally, our unique needs as it pertains to intimate covenant and how we are handling that, our unique circumstances we know that our unique needs are being heard.
Jenn:Right And our circumstances are what helps Derek determine the advice that he's going to give us. He's able to adjust our plans along with us and help us keep our goals and our dreams on track.
Matt:Yeah, and one way that Open Door is different at least we have found in working with other financial advisors is that they're not trying to sell me anything. He's not trying to sell me life insurance or loans or investments or any other products. There's no hidden agenda, there's no sales pitch, because Open Door simply charges a monthly subscription for solid, personal expert advice.
Jenn:Yeah, and so when we have come up, as we're evaluating our whole financial plan and everything like that, anytime we've come up to a place where, okay, we need insurance or we need another place of investment or any other product, derek then will let us know how to make the right decision And he's there to guide that. But I know, we know that that advice is all about what's best for us, right.
Matt:Right, exactly So. We personally and strongly recommend Open Door Financial Advisors, opendoorfacom, where finances meet faith and family Love it.
Jenn:We're also very thankful for Open Door sponsorship of this podcast because it's given us a lot of opportunities.
Matt:As an aside, one of the recent benefits of Open Door's sponsorship, and combined with, in addition to our Patreon supporters, we now have added transcripts to all new and upcoming episodes. So, starting with this last episode and including this one, we're going to have transcripts available for every upcoming episode. The translation is not perfect yet. We acknowledge that.
Jenn:I'm working to find time in my week where I will be able to sit down and listen to it and go through it. Part 1. Regardless if you there, it's at least a place where you you know. If you want to know what we're saying, if you want to look at it in writing, you can do that now, thanks to the financial support of Patreon and Open Door.
Matt:If you need to see what we're saying in writing, check out the show notes. You'll get a link to where you can find those transcripts. or just email us. We'll be happy to forward the transcripts to you. Our goal is to eventually get all the transcripts for all the shows for every episode, but this is a good start and we're very excited about that And again we're grateful to Open Door financial advisors and to our Patreon subscribers for giving us the resources to be able to do that.
Jenn:Yeah, makes it feel a little bit more like you know. You have to hold us to our word now because you can see it in writing.
Matt:So, before we resume this discussion about better pursuit and initiation, jen, i think it's crucial to recognize that all pursuit must be filtered first through the lens of serving our spouse.
Jenn:Absolutely. I mean, and I think that if you've listened to us for any amount of time, you know that where we first start is how do we love our spouse in a Christ-like way, how do we love with the Ephesians 5 love of sacrificial love? And so I think, absolutely we have to first consider what does my spouse need or desire?
Matt:Sure, And or does their need or desire conflict with my current needs and desires?
Jenn:Right.
Matt:And, if so, how can I serve what they need, so that they might be in a better place to serve what I need?
Jenn:Right, Like, for example, if I'm an emotional pursuer hi, I'm Jen, I'm an emotional pursuer. Do you think I was going to high five you? Let's high five If I'm an emotional pursuer and I'm in the mood for a nice long, intimate conversation. But say my spouse is watching his favorite baseball team and it's the bottom of the ninth with the bases loaded in the World Series probably not a good time for an intimate conversation, right?
Matt:Right, Or if I'm a physical pursuer and I'm in the mood for some prolonged sexual encounter, but my spouse has only gotten four hours of interrupted sleep in the past week. maybe that's not the best time to try to put on my best moves.
Jenn:Yeah, probably not going to be hours upon hours, right?
Matt:So it doesn't end up. The point, I think, is we're going to talk about ways to pursue again, whether you're pursuing emotionally or sexually, ways to pursue that are better, that might be better received, that might better communicate what you're looking for. But it doesn't matter in some cases how well you phrase it You're setting yourself up with, if you're setting yourself up with unrealistic expectations. You're ultimately going to be disappointed if you can't see past your own self, if you can't see past your own nose. You're going to be disappointed if you have unrealistic expectations.
Jenn:Right. So we're starting this episode with yeah, we want to discuss how can we all pursue one another better, how can we initiate better. But it has to first start with I have a sacrificial, loving heart that says, first, what is it that my spouse needs? And then that puts me in a place where I'm not coming at this from a place of demand, and I think that's an important place to start, because poor pursuit and poor initiation like we kind of started with that often results in rejection, whether that's intentional or unintentional.
Matt:Absolutely, and so you know today's episode we're talking about not just the sexual nature of your relationship, but we're talking about pursuing again, whether it's sexually or emotionally, however it is that you pursue in your relationship, and so we want to give advice to both pursuers and responders. But in particular, we're giving advice to emotional responders, or sorry, emotional pursuers, and we're giving advice to sexual pursuers, because, no matter what you're pursuing, that method, your methods of pursuit and how you're communicating that are often very similar it doesn't matter what you're actually pursuing.
Jenn:Right, Right, And we use that pursuer, responder language, but a lot of times, because this podcast tends to often be very sexually focused or focused on our sexual relationship. We may not always apply the things that we're saying about pursuers to say those of us that are emotional pursuers or vice versa. And so, yeah, today especially, we want you to first start listening to this by considering what realm are you playing in your relationship and really just focusing mostly on in your emotional, the emotional realm of your relationship and the physical. What role do you play? Are you the pursuer, Are you the responder? And then listen to today's episode with that in mind so that you can kind of you know better your initiation and pursuit, no matter what realm of intimacy we're talking about, I mean the goal is no matter.
Matt:What you're looking for is to make your pursuit and to make your invitation more appealing, and that just helps everybody in the long run. So let's talk about this, maybe from a backwards perspective, and that is to think about what makes for poor pursuit, what makes for poor initiation, and I think that we could maybe sum that up in one word, and that is pressure. If your responder feels like you are pressuring them, and that is your method of pursuit, then their response is going to be negative. They're not going to be interested in in coming alongside if they feel like they're being pressured. And so what does pressure look like? Well, i mean, pressure comes in lots of different forms. Right, one important and maybe the most profoundly negative way to motivate someone is with shame and or criticism.
Jenn:Right, right. And we all know what that feels like to be to have our spouse shame us for who we are, to have our spouse criticize the way that we are responding. I mean, very few of us would say yeah, that feels great, i feel really motivated when they do that. And I think we all innately know this right That criticism doesn't actually ever really get us what we want. And yet when we're in a place of pursuit and we're feeling that sense of I'm not being heard, i'm not, you know my needs, my desires aren't being acknowledged, we tend to often result to this place of pressure and especially this place of like, using the shame and the criticism.
Matt:Oh yeah, and that tears your spouse down fast. Yeah, absolutely. Sometimes that looks like comparison, like I've done all these things and you don't ever do anything. Or sometimes, maybe even worse, is this person over there is so good about doing these things?
Jenn:Why can't you be like?
Matt:that? Why aren't you more like them? Yeah, you know, we all. I mean you just cringe when you think about those things, but we're all often sometimes guilty of using those methods out of sometimes just out of desperation, but using those methods to try to motivate our spouse more towards what we want, how we want them to treat us or behave.
Jenn:Yeah, It just doesn't work though It doesn't work, But I think I mean those are kind of big. Like it's probably not too difficult to think about the times that you've used shame and criticism or just these negative places of comparison, But I think negative elements are also a little bit more subtle. Yes, Like we say things like well, I don't like it when you do this.
Matt:Right, Or can you please stop X, Y, Z Or you are. you're really bad at this thing.
Jenn:Right And we think OK, well, i am expressing myself to my spouse, but that is coming at it from a negative place, which will then be pressure.
Matt:Right And sometimes your motivation there is appropriate. I mean, you're trying to explain to your spouse I don't like this, but what I really like is this other thing, and so you're trying to move them from one thing to the other, whatever that might be. But I'll just say that if you can avoid even bringing up those negative elements, your spouse will hear you so much better, because any kind of criticism your responder is only going to hear the negative elements. They're only going to hear I don't like this. Please stop this. You're really bad at this And they're going to be reeling from that criticism and they're turning off their engagement mode and turning up the defenses because they're hearing criticism. They're not hearing what it is that you'd like them to do in a positive way.
Jenn:Right Responders are definitely going to then become withdrawers because that's how they respond to that place of pressure. So just being learning to be very aware of the language that we choose I think is so important, and taking out that negative place.
Matt:Instead of dwelling on the bad, or dwelling on the behavior that you're trying to correct, or dwelling on the negative parts of what your spouse is doing, just leave that out as much as it is possible. Leave that out And just simply ask them or invite them to something that is better, and explain how much you enjoy when they do this, or how much you would enjoy or how much you would mean to you for them to do this other thing. So that's what we mean by avoid these negative elements, avoid criticism, avoid the negativity. I think another place, though, where, sometimes, our initiation again, although probably well-intentioned, has a tendency to immediately turn off our responders, and that is when we approach things with this high energy, like there's this thing that I want to do, or there's this conversation I want to have, or there's this place I want to take you And I'm so excited about it because I know it's going to be so great for me, it's going to be so great for our relationship, it's going to be so great for everything You're going to love it.
Matt:You're going to love this if you just and we come at it with such high intensity and such high energy.
Jenn:And all of us who are responders in any realm of our relationship know that. What's a responder's reaction to that?
Matt:Run and hide.
Jenn:Whoa, and there's always going to be for a responder when met with that super high energy, this place of heightened anxiety and suspicion.
Matt:Yeah, exactly The suspicion, for sure.
Jenn:And why are you so heightened about this?
Matt:And what are they about to ask me to do? Because it's probably going to be crazy, because they're so excited about this thing. And, yes, I hope that if you're a pursuer, you are excited about things that could make your relationship better sexually, emotionally or otherwise.
Jenn:Sure.
Matt:But it is unreasonable to expect that your spouse is going to be excited as you are about any of these things.
Jenn:Well, i think that's really getting to. The underline of it is that, as pursuers, we often think that our level of excitement should be what our spouse's level of excitement is, and that if we will just show our spouse this level of excitement, then surely they will rise to the occasion And have the exact same level of excitement as we have.
Matt:And I would just caution you pursuers until your spouse is warmed up to the idea, they're just going to innately be suspicious of your motives, Like why are they so excited about this, Why is there such high energy about this And what is this going to be required of me? And that's especially going to be true if you have used pressure or coercion as a persuasive tool in the past.
Jenn:Right, Right, and so, yes, we want you to share your whole self with your spouse. So we're not saying hide your level of excitement, but just recognize that the best pursuit is. You may actually temper your excitement a little bit in order to not put your responder on edge. Your job as a pursuer is to provide security for your responder, and sometimes that means Chill out a little bit, just dial it down.
Matt:You need to express all of your feelings about this, but dial it down and don't overwhelm your Responder with that kind of energy, right?
Jenn:Okay, so we started with kind of the negative.
Matt:Well, okay, but in the same way, though, the best Initiation, the best kind of pursuit, is an invitation. Yes it's not expressing a need.
Jenn:And I love this just using the two words Initiation and invitation, because to me, this is the how do? how do we really do this? How do we do this Well, and if you can connect in your mind that the best Initiation is actually an invitation, that is different.
Matt:Oh, absolutely. I mean, when you say to your spouse again, whether that's with your tone, whether that's with your actual words or your actions, when you're saying to your spouse that I need something, you are presenting the very worst part of yourself to your spouse.
Jenn:Yeah, you're becoming a chore Rather than a refreshment, right? If you are a physical pursuer and you treat your you know desire for physical intimacy as I have, a need that your body has to fulfill, you've become an item on the to-do list precisely, precisely so.
Matt:Rather than trying to push or pull your responder away from old behaviors and old patterns by using criticism and shame, the goal here is to invite them by speaking positively about the behaviors that you enjoy or desire. Right, keep your tone low, but mostly be able to express to your spouse what it would mean to you.
Jenn:This, to me, is the key, because when you start from a place of I Desire this and this is what it would mean to me, that's an invitation That's not pressure Right, that's an invitation, that's that's different.
Matt:You might be asking for the same things, but if you're presenting it to your spouse as I need this, then all they can hear is This is going to require something of me. If you instead present it from the standpoint of this is what We should, this is what we can do to build our relationship, this is what it would mean to me, this is how it would. It would cause. Help me feel. These are all the ways in which it would enrich our relationship. Then you can present that is instead as not something that just requires something from your responder. Instead, you're inviting them to something that they can help co-create.
Jenn:Right, and even taking that a step further and acknowledging what you do have. First, you know we have this, we, we, we talk all the time. We have a great emotional Connection with one another. What if we added this sin? Yes, you know so. Then you're, you're coming at that from. We have a common bond already. That is a beautiful place, yeah and that's we can build Together.
Matt:Yes, that becomes not me versus you, but we yes, and that's where a lot of the relationship experts talk about Approaching life and your relationships from a place of fullness rather than a place of emptiness. Right, and I think that's important, even in our relationship with God and our relationships with a lot of other folks, even our approach to life. If we're constantly looking at life and thinking, well, i need this or I want something else, that's, that is an unhealthy place to be, spiritually, emotionally and every other sense. Yeah, rather than approaching life from I I have these things for which I am grateful, and I only want to Improve things for the betterment of all of those around me. That is a place of fullness Where I have everything that I need.
Jenn:I just want to make it, make things better and to make others better Because of my fullness and that that might take a lot of work right Like switching your mindset to a mindset of Gratitude.
Matt:That's where it starts.
Jenn:That's power.
Matt:Gratitude is everything. It is where it starts. It must be foundational in your relationship with God and it is Crucial in your relationship with your spouse.
Jenn:If you don't, if you're not approaching your relationship from place of gratitude, you're really missing the fullness of what could be right, and so I think you know, when you have that place of gratitude, when you're able to express that with your spouse, then then you're looking for. You know, like you said, the fullness of What our relationship could be. You're not coming at this from his place of here's all the ways that our relationship is wrong.
Matt:Or maybe how your responders hearing it is here's all the places where you are wrong, right And you're the problem. So you need to change Your, your, your responders never going to hear anything that you're saying after that statement, right, right. So the other another place I think where You can create an an invitation invitation rather than a place of need is to Express to your spouse openness to Co-create this experience. Hmm, right, if your request feels one-sided, in other words, if the request feels like I'm just asking for all of these things for myself And I just need you to do all these things for me, then your responders gonna run and hide, right. Instead, they must feel like they are being seen and heard in this process.
Jenn:They need to feel like they're a part of the process and that you value their perspective as much as or more than their own, than your own right they need.
Matt:They need to hear that they're not being invited just to serve me right there. They need to feel like they're being invited to co-create something with me right.
Jenn:So when you come to your responder with a desire, a desire for more connection, emotionally or physically, a desire for different connections or, you know, emotionally or physically, when you come to them with expressing your desire in an inviting way and you make a statement like what would you like to add to that man, that changes everything. Because that's again, it's not a place of pressure, it's a place of invitation or what do you think?
Matt:what do you think about this idea? or what would make that experience better for you, or what? what have I forgotten in this?
Jenn:plan or how would you like to connect?
Jenn:sure, now responders are gonna respond first with I don't know, because that's what responders do right because even if you're inviting, your responder needs a little, that your responder needs that space to respond. So, even within like you're doing it all perfectly right, just recognize that the first question, or when you ask that question, the first thing out of your responder's mouth is going to be probably some sort of a I don't know, i need to think about that. Okay, but if you are not coming at them from a place of pressure, you've opened them up to be able to respond yeah, absolutely, and and you know that's that's the goal is to create a dynamic where there is pursuit and response.
Matt:Give them space to respond, right that's. I think that's a good way to put that right. Another tip pursuers. Again, whether you're pursuing emotionally or sexually, or whatever else you're pursuing, you need to be very specific with your invitation.
Jenn:I think this is where a lot of us don't do so well. I think many spouses complain that they initiate frequently but their spouse just constantly rejects them. And this might be true, but I think in many cases, maybe even most cases, your invitations aren't being heard as invitations. You're not actually saying what you think you are saying, because a lot of us and again this gets back to rejection right, it's kind of our innate response of rejection hurts, so I want to hedge myself to try and prevent rejection. So often we develop ways to avoid actually saying what we mean yep, we think that's going to make it a little bit better, and it actually makes it worse.
Jenn:So just stop it now. And so let's kind of go through some examples of what does that look like? what does that sound like?
Matt:okay. Well, let's say you, your, your spouse, is on the way, on their way home from work and you send them a text message that says be sure to get in the shower when you get home. Okay, now, what you meant to say perhaps is I want to have sex with you with your clean body tonight, or you might have meant I want to join you in the shower.
Jenn:So be sure to get in the shower when you get home yeah, but what they heard was maybe you smell so bad I don't want to be around you, right?
Matt:so you said something that you thought was sexy. You thought was an invitation. Instead, your spouse is interpreting it entirely differently because you are not being specific enough right or battle.
Jenn:What about when you say, hey, let's cuddle tonight. What? what you may be meant was let's cuddle period? period maybe you're meaning that statement as that's it, but maybe they heard something differently, right? let's cuddle tonight could be.
Matt:Yeah, your spouse might have heard, let's get warmed up with cuddling on the couch so that we can better enjoy our sex in the bedroom and maybe that's what you meant, but they heard let's cuddle period right. So again, be specific and make sure that your spouse is understanding what you're asking for right what?
Jenn:about when you say well, are you about finished with your video game or the sports game on tv, or your book or social media or whatever it is? are you about finished with that? what you maybe meant was I'd really like to spend some time with you. Or maybe you mean I'd like to have sex right.
Matt:Instead, what your spouse may have heard was you're wasting time. You should be doing something else, or I? I want to interrupt your quiet time because I need something from you, right you're? you're trying to initiate something with this question. Are you finished with your video game or book or whatever it is? and you may mean something entirely different than what your spouse is interpreting. Again, because your invitation is not being specific. You know right what if, or sometimes we don't even make an invitation what, what if? you said nothing.
Jenn:You just moved in with a kiss and a handsy embrace right, right, and so what you might have meant was I love you and I just want to cover your body and all sorts of affection and love. But maybe what they heard was all he ever thinks about is sex. Or can't he see how busy I am here? This is not a great time for interruption.
Matt:Yeah. Or you might have even responded by engaging in that kiss and handsy embrace and you might have thought, oh, that was nice.
Jenn:Just a lovely little interruption.
Matt:But you had no clue that that was an invitation to something further. Yes, so again.
Jenn:And I hope you all can put yourself into these simple little scenarios and statements, because we all do this. We all make these simple little statements and we pack them full of meaning, but we're not willing to express it And our spouse is left going. Do they mean this? Do they mean that I have to guess And it feels like nine times out of 10, i guess wrong And somebody's hurt And I don't even know why they're hurt?
Matt:Exactly So. Be specific with your invitations. Make sure that you and your spouse are on the same page. Don't try to speak in code language. Yeah, don't fill all the. Don't make invitations that that could be interpreted in many different ways. Yeah, make sure that you and your spouse are speaking the same language.
Jenn:Right, if you want to say, hey, let's cuddle tonight, great, say that and follow it with, because I'd like to start warming up here and then move on. Or follow it with, let's cuddle tonight, but tomorrow night let's be all in, let's, let's do these things throughout the day to make it to our tomorrow night can be an amazing experience. You see how that then puts both of you on a page of a clearly understand what, what my spouse is looking for, but it's also an invitation, because you're also saying this is where I'm at, where are you in this?
Matt:Yeah, and there's nothing wrong with having code language. Like sometimes a couple may have already attached meaning to that phrase cuddle tonight, like when I. If you're, if you are in the habit of saying let's cuddle tonight, and you both know and understand that that means that you're having sex tonight. Great, use the code language. Just make sure that your spouse has the same decoder ring so that they know what you're talking about. But guess what? In order to develop a code language, you have to have conversations about this.
Matt:Here we go, yes, so communicate Yeah you've got to communicate about it And you're gonna have to be open and honest with what you mean, what you actually mean.
Jenn:Say one another Now great.
Matt:So, matt and Jen, you've done great. You've told us all of these great tips on how to communicate better and to initiate and pursue better. But what if my spouse still won't hear me?
Jenn:Right, we get that. I think that's kind of a place where a lot of people who email us are coming from. I'm trying, my spouse won't hear me And obviously there's no magic spell that we can wave a wand over our spouse and get them to hear, get them to respond in a way that we want them to respond. I mean, there are no guidelines to do a better job at communicating when you want what you want in a way that your spouse may be more receptive. There's no magic wand here.
Matt:There's no magic words, but and there's no amount of sugar coating, though that will make an unrealistic request more appealing. So it is on you, as a pursuer, to stop being selfish and to stop being self-serving, and to acknowledge that, even if that's not how you're behaving today, if that's been your past, it takes some time to rebuild that trust, and you've got to then keep pursuing in a way that is selfless and in a way that is more noble.
Jenn:Right, and I think that that goes back to our very beginning, right. Where does this start? It first starts with loving in a sacrificial way, and so if your love has come across a whole lot more like pressure than sacrifice, you have some rebuilding to do. So it is on you to stop being selfish.
Matt:Even if that's been unintentional in the way that you've been pursuing, you still need to acknowledge those places where maybe that's been your approach in the past. Right Now, of course, it is also possible that your spouse is just selfish and self-serving and that they are entirely unwilling to hear your request, regardless of how well you are communicating. Yeah, i get it, and if that's your situation, we are truly sorry And we pray that your spouse will eventually be willing to change their heart. But you still have a responsibility to be serving and self-sacrificial.
Jenn:Right.
Matt:The more amenable you are to hearing and serving your spouse, the more likely it is that they will be willing to hear you.
Jenn:Right, you can't change your spouse, but you can change you. That's the only advice we give all the time. It's not that there is nothing I can do to make my marriage better. There is always something you can do to make your marriage better, because you can always make you better, absolutely, absolutely.
Matt:Esther Perrell says when I'm not being heard, it's because I'm not listening. I think, it's just so profound. Often we think to be heard, we need to be louder, we need to be stronger, we need to be more persuasive. In reality, often we're not being heard because we're not willing to listen to other people.
Jenn:Yeah, your spouse may not be willing to hear you because they have completely shut down because of your pressure, absolutely. That might be a painful place that you have to recognize, and so we're encouraging you as a whole turn your initiation into invitation and do that regardless, frankly, of how your spouse does or doesn't react, because that makes you a better spouse And ultimately, that's what it's all about. Right? All right, matt, give us our wrap up.
Matt:Poor pursuit and poor initiation result in missed connection and rejection, whether that's intentional or unintentional. Pursuit should not include criticism, shame or other forms of pressure. Instead, offer an appeal for connection and an invitation to connection. Be specific with your invitation to avoid miscommunications and hidden expectations.
Jenn:Now it's time to grab your spouse in your Bible and head to your kitchen table to have the conversation about better pursuit. Discuss sometimes when you thought you were initiating connection but your spouse never seemed to acknowledge it.
Matt:We would love to hear your feedback. Contact us by emailing podcast at intimatecovenantcom or to submit anonymous feedback and questions, go to intimatecovenantcom slash podcast and click the button contact the podcast for an anonymous submission form. Thanks again to Derek and Open Door Financial Advisors for sponsoring the podcast. Contact Open Door at opendoorfacom.
Jenn:Thanks to all of you for listening, subscribing, rating and sharing the podcast. We're truly humbled by all your encouragement and support. Thanks especially to our Patreon subscribers for coming alongside us in a very real and genuine way. We love you. If you would like to join Intimate Covenant by supporting the podcast and our greater mission to share God's plan for intimate marriage and holy sexuality, subscribe at patreoncom. slash intimate covenant.
Matt:Until next time, keep striving and don't settle.