In this episode, Matt & Jenn respond to an email from a bride-to-be regarding her concerns about first-time sexual intercourse. We also address concerns about sexual pain relevant to all married couples.
Sponsored by:
Open Door Financial Advisors www.opendoorfa.com
Where finances meet faith and family.
Please support these companies that support Intimate Covenant:
To send your comments, questions and suggestions, go to our website: www.intimatecovenant.com/podcast and click on the button: “Contact the Podcast” for an ANONYMOUS submission form. Or, send an email: podcast@intimatecovenant.com
Thanks for sharing, rating, reviewing and subscribing!
Cherishing,
Matt & Jenn
PS — If you have been blessed by the message of this podcast, we would deeply appreciate your support by donating to our mission of spreading God’s plan for intimate marriage and holy sexuality.
Join us at Patreon: www.patreon.com/intimatecovenant
Consider a one-time gift: www.intimatecovenant.com/donate
www.intimatecovenant.com
Intimate Covenant | Matt & Jenn Schmidt
In this episode, Matt & Jenn respond to an email from a bride-to-be regarding her concerns about first-time sexual intercourse. We also address concerns about sexual pain relevant to all married couples.
Sponsored by:
Open Door Financial Advisors www.opendoorfa.com
Where finances meet faith and family.
Please support these companies that support Intimate Covenant:
To send your comments, questions and suggestions, go to our website: www.intimatecovenant.com/podcast and click on the button: “Contact the Podcast” for an ANONYMOUS submission form. Or, send an email: podcast@intimatecovenant.com
Thanks for sharing, rating, reviewing and subscribing!
Cherishing,
Matt & Jenn
PS — If you have been blessed by the message of this podcast, we would deeply appreciate your support by donating to our mission of spreading God’s plan for intimate marriage and holy sexuality.
Join us at Patreon: www.patreon.com/intimatecovenant
Consider a one-time gift: www.intimatecovenant.com/donate
www.intimatecovenant.com
Intimate Covenant | Matt & Jenn Schmidt
Hey, jen want to talk about painful sex on the honeymoon.
Speaker 2:Guess there's a first for everything.
Speaker 1:Great. Today we're going to discuss a bride-to-be's concerns about her upcoming first experience with sexual intercourse. Let's do it. Welcome to the Intimate Covenant podcast, where we believe the Bible and Great Married Sex both belong on your kitchen table. That's right. We're talking about holy covenant-bound intimate relationships with hot sex.
Speaker 2:We're Matt and Jen, founders of Intimate Covenant. We offer biblical teaching and resources to help married couples achieve a fuller relationship and an extraordinary sex life. For more information, visit our website, IntimateCovenantcom.
Speaker 1:Welcome, friends.
Speaker 2:Welcome. Thanks for joining us on another episode of the Intimate Covenant podcast.
Speaker 1:Here we are again and we're about to be traveling again. That seems to be a common theme.
Speaker 2:I feel like we unpack the suitcase to pack it, which is a really fun thing.
Speaker 1:We don't even put the suitcases away anymore. They just kind of live out, not true, not true.
Speaker 2:Everybody who knows me knows uh, no, uh, true, true.
Speaker 1:Okay, well, it feels like it. We'll put it that way. Yes, we're about to be in St Louis and we're very much looking forward to that, looking forward to meeting some new folks there.
Speaker 2:Yeah, heading out there. This week, on Friday night we'll be spending our evening with the singles of the St Louis area. Have a great number already registered for that, so super excited for that. And then Saturday we'll be with the married couples. Yes, again, a great number registered for that event, so it's going to be a good weekend.
Speaker 1:It is. It's going to be a great weekend. We're definitely looking forward to that. If you are in the St Louis area and you haven't signed up and maybe your plans have changed and you're now available to join us we would certainly love to have you join us. There is still plenty of room. That event is free, but you do need to register.
Speaker 2:Yes, we um. We are able to make this event free because of an incredibly generous donor who stepped up and said they wanted to cover all cost associated with the St Louis marriage weekend.
Speaker 1:So just a huge thank you yeah, for sure, that's amazing.
Speaker 2:I love seeing you know, and we get to see it more than all the rest of our our followers. But there are so many people behind the scenes doing amazing work in the kingdom to support marriages, to support singles and holy views of sexuality and just you know. A lot of times those people want to remain nameless, but we get to know who you are, and thank you, yes, for sure, thank you Uh.
Speaker 1:So, again, if you're in St Louis, you want to join us? Uh, you can find the registration for those events on our website. Intimate covenantcom slash STL for the marriage day. Uh, if you want to join us for well, uh, if you know someone who wants to join us for the singles uh event, you can find uh that registration at intimate covenantcom slash STL singles.
Speaker 2:Yes, all right. And Matt guess what?
Speaker 1:We are one month away from oh, you don't have to tell me.
Speaker 2:I am super stoked.
Speaker 1:I am counting down the hours and the days.
Speaker 2:We are annual marriage retreat. We are only one month away, which seems crazy. I don't know where the year goes.
Speaker 1:Oh man.
Speaker 2:We are in um high gear around here. We are kicking in into high gear to finish all the preparations for the marriage retreat, which is keeps us busy but it's a joy, truly keeps us busy.
Speaker 1:but yes, uh, it is going to be fantastic. Uh, we've been in communication with Justin Gerhart, who is joining us, for this event and um we're very excited about what he has planned.
Speaker 2:Yes, A great, great Thursday evening. It's going to be an amazing way to start the retreat but, registration for hotel packages closed this week.
Speaker 2:There is still time, crazy as that is, and we do have like one spot. So if you have not registered and you want to be just incredibly spontaneous and come to the retreat, you can, and we do have a few opportunities for day passes. So if you're local, um, or you want to find another place to stay offsite, um, we do have just a tiny bit of space that we could squeeze you for that.
Speaker 1:I mean officially we are sold out.
Speaker 2:Yes.
Speaker 1:But if, if we had someone come and say we definitely want to come, we'll figure out a way to squeeze you into the room.
Speaker 2:We have a plan a, plan B. Yes, we will make it work.
Speaker 1:Uh, we would certainly love to have you, and it's not too late to register. Intimate covenant dot com. Slash retreat.
Speaker 2:Yeah, all right. So today's email no, today's podcast episode comes from an email that we actually received from a bride to be.
Speaker 1:So, again, we seem to keep getting emails from unmarried people who are having a run on unmarried emails, which is fine.
Speaker 2:Yeah, we're like, oh, that's not really who we thought was listening to this podcast. But hey, here, here we are. Um, but we're going to. We're going to kind of go with this one, because we think this topic is actually really good for unmarried, but also for the marriage amongst us.
Speaker 1:Yeah, I think there's some relevance to everyone of every age and experience level with marriage, so I do think it's appropriate. All right Before we read the email again. If you're married or unmarried and you have questions for us, you can reach out to us at intimate covenant dot com. Slash podcast and click on the button that says contact the podcast. You'll be able to submit your question to us anonymously. Yeah.
Speaker 2:All right. So here's the email that we received. Says I'm getting married soon and have been listening to your podcast to prepare for that next stage in my life. I appreciate you addressing things Most people will not, especially coming from a Christ centered place. I listened to your honeymoon episode, which, if you've not heard those those were in December. Yes, I have heard the advice you gave there. I have heard from many that even with plenty of foreplay she has that in quotes and puts in parentheses I know not your favorite term, I love that. So she says I have heard from many that even with plenty of foreplay, there can still be pain with the first time intercourse happens. I also have listened to you say that if there is pain then stop. But if you just stop every time, how will you ever get adjusted? Any tips as far as that goes, as well as issues with getting it to fit the first time?
Speaker 1:Appreciate that question and the vulnerability and also this listeners diligence and wanting to be prepared and wanting to fully enjoy the honeymoon experience. That is not an attitude that everyone takes and so certainly appreciate that.
Speaker 2:Yeah, I love how she is listener. For sure she's thinking about it and she's thinking about, kind of, some of the nuances of things that we've said. Yes, so love this question and I'm wanting to be prepared.
Speaker 1:I certainly appreciate that. But before we answer this question, I want to ask our listeners something Does your current financial circumstance fit with your long term spiritual goals?
Speaker 2:If, you're watching us on YouTube. You see the face I am making to my husband Excellent segue.
Speaker 1:I thought that was a beautiful segue.
Speaker 2:I'm so impressed with you. You're talking about open door financial advisors, aren't you, honey Indeed.
Speaker 1:If your current financial circumstances don't fit with your long term financial goals.
Speaker 2:I'm going to giggle every time I say the word fit right now. Well, good, keep going.
Speaker 1:Perfect. You need to meet our friends at Open Door Financial Advisors, specifically Derek Finley at OpenDoorFAcom. Derek just has a great business model. He has a great organization, he has great business and he has great advice that will be tailored to your individual, specific financial needs and goals. You don't have to live where Derek lives he happens to live in West Texas but you don't have to live there to work with him. In fact, we don't, and we don't drive to Lubbock to meet with him every month.
Speaker 1:He works remotely with clients all over the country. He sets up regular meetings with us and he will, with you to review your circumstances, get a financial plan in order, starting with again, whether that's just very basic fundamental principles and tasks, all the way to very much more involved in complicated circumstances. He is prepared and more than capable of helping you with that circumstance.
Speaker 2:Right, I love his tagline where finances meet faith and family. So contact opendoorFAcom, all right. So getting back to our question. So this question is coming from a bride to be who is understandably concerned about their first experience with intercourse, and so it sounds like she's especially concerned because she's been warned that there may be pain with intercourse, especially the first time, right. So she's just trying to figure out. What should I expect?
Speaker 1:Sure, and you know reasonably so, she wants to have the right expectations and be prepared for whatever that eventuality might be. You know, coming at this from a medical standpoint, which really that's kind of my background, I did try to do some digging into some of the literature. The medical and scientific literature on this Painful intercourse is something called dysperinia, which I just needed to throw that in there.
Speaker 2:So I would sound smart, you do sound smart.
Speaker 1:Thank you, but in the United States, number of studies have been done that estimate that somewhere between 10 to 20 percent of all women experience significant pain during intercourse at some point in their lives. So it's not like 20 percent of women are walking around having painful intercourse every time, but up to 20 percent of women at some point across the board at some point in their lives are going to have a painful sexual experience. But and this was striking to me less than 30 percent of women who are having ongoing sexual pain, so repeated episodes of sexual pain, less than 30 percent of those women have ever talked to a health care provider about it.
Speaker 2:Wow, and that's sad. That is sad, but to think that a woman is continually having legitimate pain in intercourse but, for whatever reason, is blocked, is afraid of unwilling to talk to a health care provider about it and seek some answers that that's a hard place to be.
Speaker 1:Agreed, and you know. Just to be clear, sexual pain does occur for men too. There certainly are some conditions and circumstances that might cause that, but the incidence of sexual pain for men is far less common than for women. And it's not the topic of conversation for today's episode, because you know, that's just not where. That's not where the question is about. Maybe we'll get to that at some point in the future, but most causes of sexual pain, whether they are male or female in nature, most causes of sexual pain can be successfully treated, and that's also what is so sad about this is that for anybody, men or women, who is experiencing pain with sex, sexual intercourse specifically, there are a number of potential causes, but nearly all of them can be treated.
Speaker 2:So if we can treat it noninvasively. I mean sometimes when we hear treated, we think oh, you know, big things might be happening, but treated noninvasively. But it requires you first being willing to start a conversation.
Speaker 1:You gotta have a conversation with your doctor and there's a lot, you know.
Speaker 2:I will say I have learned over the past couple of years. There is a lot of resources out there. When you're talking about your doctor Now, you might start this conversation with your gynecologist, but there are plenty of pelvic floor therapists who specialize in helping with sexual health as a whole improving, you know, and meeting the needs of women with sexual health issues, and so it's a legitimate thing out there. You don't have to just start with a gynecologist and there are plenty of resources out there, but you have to be willing to look for the help.
Speaker 1:Yeah, you gotta be willing to ask. And again, most gynecologists are prepared to help you with this, or?
Speaker 2:at least they can refer you. They can refer you to someone who can.
Speaker 1:Now, while our question is from a bride to be about the possibility of painful honeymoon sex, we are certain that there are many married wives out there who are also dealing with sexual pain, and so that's kind of why we wanted to start with this. The question certainly is a narrow focus, but we wanted to broaden out this topic because, again, it is something that affects many wives across the board, so we wanted to come back to this topic. We did address this topic way back in February 2021.
Speaker 2:That was a long time ago Episode 31.
Speaker 1:We're now at like 145. So that was way back. So we felt like it was appropriate to maybe come back look at this topic again. Maybe some of you haven't gone back and binge listened to every single episode in the past.
Speaker 2:But that one's good for more specific causes and solutions. So listen to that one if you find yourself in need of this advice. But I think here, matt, is a good place to make a distinction about our language. You know me, I like to define our terms. Let's speak clearly, so there is a difference between pain and mild initial discomfort, and I think we're tending to use the word pain and lump it all in one category, when it's maybe a little bit more helpful to separate it out.
Speaker 2:So we've done this right, we've said if it hurts, stop. I think really what we're meaning by that though we could kind of more define that. And that's what in her email, right, she's like wait a minute, you're saying two things. So let's, let's more define this. So when we say if it hurts, stop, what we mean is if your body is saying stop, don't just try to push through that.
Speaker 1:Yeah, there's a lot of damage that can occur emotionally, maybe even physically, if you try to just simply push through something that is painful and by painful I think again, that's good wording there. If your body is saying stop, then you should listen to that. If your body is saying this is too uncomfortable, don't fight back tears in order to follow through with that sexual intercourse. You're going to make it more challenging for yourselves later on and you're going to damage even the sexual connection that can even occur in that moment.
Speaker 2:And I think that's important, because if you are experiencing legitimate pain in that moment, there is a mental connection to that pain, to the act that you are doing, and so you are potentially damaging the next time and the next time, unless you stop and deal with the actual cause of that pain.
Speaker 2:Now, here's the difference between pain and discomfort, because it may be that your body is saying I'm mostly enjoying this, even though there's a little pressure, and I can imagine that it's going to feel better if we continue. If that's the case, go right ahead. There's a difference, and obviously pain is a word that's hard to really define, and it's I'm thinking of the little smiley faces to frowny faces right In a doctor's office.
Speaker 2:Yeah, in a doctor's office Right so only you can know where is pain and where is discomfort. But what we're meaning is don't hesitate to say something like hang on a minute, let's go a little bit more slowly for a minute, or wait just a second while I process this, or let's change positions just a little, let's do something a little bit different for just a few more minutes. That's different. Discomfort is different than pain, absolutely.
Speaker 1:If you can imagine like in that moment, if your thought processes okay, maybe not as deep, or maybe not as fast, maybe not as hard, but it still would be enjoyable. That's an entirely different circumstance than if your body is screaming.
Speaker 2:please stop, right, right right, and so you need to know the difference between the two. And then, how do you deal with it, so as to the likelihood of legitimate pain with your first attempted intercourse with your new husband. Well, unfortunately, I mean, it's impossible to predict how likely this really is to occur.
Speaker 1:I think if you asked a hundred wives and maybe we should do this sometime if you ask a hundred wives, did you have pain or discomfort? And maybe rate the degree of pain or discomfort that you had on that first intercourse, you would probably get a hundred different answers, because everyone's first experience is probably very different depending on the circumstance.
Speaker 2:And I think many new brides like this one receive warnings that feel big and scary, and those are coming from books or from mothers or girlfriends or other well-intentioned, more experienced brides. And so it is out there that, oh, it will hurt the first time, but there's really no published studies, right? Right, I looked into this.
Speaker 1:There's nothing in the literature that I could find and I'm pretty good at doing literature searches these days. There's nothing in the literature to even tell us or give us an idea of how frequently it occurs or how uncomfortable it may or may not be for a first time bride or someone's first experience with intercourse. We just don't know how likely that actually is or is not. So I do wonder where this advice is coming from or where these warnings are coming from. Are they legitimate? Is it legend or is there some real meaningfulness to this? And how widespread is this experience from one bride to the next?
Speaker 2:And I think it's helpful to understand anatomically what's going on so that you understand how likely it is to experience pain. So it stands to reason that if a vagina has never experienced penetration via penis, then it's going to take some getting used to, right? I mean in the same way that if you tell me to go lift 100 pounds, you know a barbell today, right now, I'm not going to do that so well, I don't have the muscles built up for that right. But it is important to understand that the vagina is made for this purpose.
Speaker 2:I mean, got that of this and he thought of everything when it comes to sex, and he thought of how it could work best, right. So it would not be expected to be especially painful for most women for most of the time, because, how the vagina is made, it is a muscle intended for this purpose. In fact, it's a muscle that's intended to get a 10 pound baby out, so you can imagine that's a pretty stretchy muscle.
Speaker 1:It's pretty accommodating, very flexible. Generally speaking, there are some reasons why that might not be the case from an anatomic standpoint and so, again, that's why, if you are having discomfort, there are reasons. There would be a good reason to check with your doctor to make sure that there is nothing physically or anatomically or structurally in the way or making that challenging. But again, like you said, the vagina is made for this purpose. It is one of the primary purposes for having a vagina is to accommodate sexual intercourse. That's the way God designed it and, anecdotally speaking, most brides do not find it uncomfortable enough to prevent them from continuing to fully enjoy their first experience or discourage them from trying it again in the future.
Speaker 1:So, it seems to work.
Speaker 2:Right, and so let's kind of discuss some ways to improve intercourse, prevent discomfort, and I think this advice is good for not just newlyweds.
Speaker 1:I agree. I think these are some tips that would be appropriate and I think would be good advice for most of it, for all of us to consider, even those of us who have been married for a long time.
Speaker 2:Right, Because as your body changes for a woman, as our bodies change, as hormonal cycles change as we age, you're going to experience different things with sexual intercourse and so it's important to know how do we keep that as pleasurable as possible.
Speaker 1:Absolutely. Because, again I think, from an anatomic standpoint and a physiologic standpoint, as a woman ages, as their hormones change, their vaginal flexibility and ability to lubricate all becomes diminished to some extent or another, depending on the individual Right. So that almost makes you somewhat like a new bride again. Oh, yeah, there you go so it does mean that sometimes some special accommodations need to be made, and so I think the number one accommodation that you've heard us say over and, over and, over and over is lubrication.
Speaker 2:Yeah, make it a habit. There are 100 different options out there, and you might want to just try 100 different options in order to find what feels best for both of you.
Speaker 1:For research purposes. There you go.
Speaker 2:For research purposes. But it is not a marker of that you're less than if you need lube. Yes, bodies are made to create lubrications, but there are different points in the process that your body may or may not come on board with creating its own lubrication. So just take that stress out of it and add in lubrication yourself. Hooray that we live in a day and age where that is so readily available.
Speaker 1:Right, I mean, yeah, you couldn't just go to the corner store or Amazon and order that in the past?
Speaker 2:So you know, try different lubes and we've done a whole series on lubes. Who knew that we could do that, but we did because you might want different lubes for different occasions, different circumstances, but number one recommendation to prevent discomfort and really the number one reason why there might be discomfort is all about lubrication.
Speaker 1:I agree that's an important point, that that is by far in terms of commonality, that that is, the most common reason why there is discomfort with sex is lack of lubrication. So if you can automatically check that off your list, you're getting rid of the most common reason why there might be discomfort for one or both of you. And, as Jen mentioned, I mean there are so many different lubricants that are out there, make sure you get one that's high quality. And you know there's a lot of other points to consider.
Speaker 2:Look at the ingredients, all of that. Look at all that.
Speaker 1:But you might even find that different lubricants work best for different circumstances, depending on what your specific activity might be for that evening.
Speaker 2:Right. So so, outside of lubrication or second to dad, I think it is so important to recognize that our bodies are meant to build in the arousal process, and it's we all too often have that goal mentality that once we get to intercourse then we'll have had sex Right. This is especially common on a wedding night. But that is the marker and we have to get there.
Speaker 1:Yeah, but I would, yeah, if we haven't had intercourse, then it's not, then the night's not over yet.
Speaker 2:Right, right Penetration. But I would, if I can, offer any advice to a new husband and bride or about to be groom and bride. Is that it is so important to go slow and just focus on building pleasure and arousal together, because that is sex.
Speaker 1:Yes.
Speaker 2:The minute you start sharing sexual energies together, you are having sex. Yes, what it is that you do is a matter of how it all plays out, but you're having sex.
Speaker 1:You did it, yay Congratulations. You have quote consummated the marriage Exactly.
Speaker 2:So because when fully aroused again, god thought of everything. He's such a good creator. When fully aroused, the vagina actually lengthens and dilates. It makes itself ready to accept a penis.
Speaker 1:Yes, and during that process then the cervix actually is pulling itself upwards and quote out of the way, so that that's one point of pain is when there is contact with the cervix, but when a woman is more fully aroused, it's much more likely that her cervix will be pulled up and out of the way, so that that doesn't become a problem.
Speaker 2:And we know that the clitoris is amazing in that it's not just outward nerve endings but there is a whole network inside the vaginal opening and there's all sorts of pleasure receptors going on and those become more sensitive and making vaginal stimulation that much more pleasurable at this time, and so there's a reason to slow that process down. Work on arousal I mean she mentions, matt, that you don't like the word foreplay, because we want you to see all parts of that process as having sex. But that process is important. It's not that we're saying just jump to it.
Speaker 1:No, I don't dislike the term because I want you to just jump right into it. What I want you to see is all of it is sexual, all of it is having sex together and sharing that relationship together, and so I would prefer the. I prefer the term just arousal. Just take your time in that arousal building process. Be less goal focused, but the goal being like intercourse or the goal is orgasm or whatever the goal is. Be less goal focused and just sit in the process. The goals will take care of themselves.
Speaker 2:And this is great advice for all women, all married couples, no matter how long you've been married. But especially if, at any point, pain has become associated with your sexual experience, it is all the more important to slow down and focus on pleasure and arousal.
Speaker 1:Oh, I would suggest. Yes, I agree with you. I would suggest. This is good advice, whether you have pain in your intercourse or not.
Speaker 2:That's true, absolutely.
Speaker 1:It is best your intercourse, your entire sexual experience will be improved if you can take the time to slow down and just sit in the process of arousal, right. It is best I would suggest to wait for vaginal penetration until the wife actually has physical desire for it.
Speaker 2:And I would say that probably if we did a poll and you guys were honest on our poll, this rarely happens. For most couples, penetration happens probably before the wife really has physical desire for it, because I think we're too goal oriented. Yeah, you know, and we could also recognize that a wife's desire for penetration might often occur actually after orgasm, which means she might have already been stimulated in other ways, not because our orgasm is goal right.
Speaker 2:But right, she might have been stimulated in other ways. That has led her to the point of great pleasure, and her body might then be at a point where it's much more welcoming to penetration.
Speaker 1:Absolutely.
Speaker 2:And you know you as a wife will know when you're ready to move into internal stimulation from external stimulation. But you've got to listen to your body cues and you've got to stop being ashamed by those body cues and the timeline that they may or may not take.
Speaker 1:Absolutely. You know now don't get us wrong we're certainly all for a great quickie, we even have some episodes about great quickies but and I get it that we don't always have the time to move through this process and really take our time with hours of time together. But if we can make it a point to increase the numbers of times and the amount of effort that we're willing to take, even with our ordinary interactions, I think we'll, I think we'll all find benefit to slowing down and taking our time and building that full arousal. Because full arousal, whether you're even a male or female and again, men, we feel like, yeah, I can be ready in just in the 30 seconds, but, yes, you can. But you may not even be experiencing full arousal yourself, men, because we're not always taking the time. I think most couples, whether you're newlyweds or even much more experienced, do not. Most couples do not wait long enough for full arousal to occur before they start intercourse.
Speaker 2:Right. So the question then is what if pain does occur? What if I have to stop? As a new bride, what do I do? Well, frankly, it's no big deal, because remember when we said the minute you start sharing your sexual energies, you're having sex. So it doesn't matter if you're doing one thing but the other thing, eh no, not right now. Fine, there's plenty of other ways to have sex than just intercourse.
Speaker 1:Yeah, and if it happens on night, one great. If it happens on night two or three or 10 or 20,. If it takes that long to get this worked out, no big deal.
Speaker 2:Right, right, your husband doesn't want to hurt you.
Speaker 1:Right.
Speaker 2:And again, it is not about some goal, it's not about some marker. It is about sharing your sexual self with one another, the connection that comes from that, physically, emotionally and spiritually, and in the enjoyment of that. And you have a lifetime to figure this out, right.
Speaker 1:Exactly. I mean, if we are truly encouraging our young people to remain virgins and to only share their sexual experience with their future husband or wife, then why would we expect them then to then suddenly be experts?
Speaker 1:and have it all figured out and be ready to go and do everything together from night one. That's not realistic, that's not possible. But I don't know why we really give mixed messages, I think, to our young people in this way. It doesn't. You have a lifetime. That's what a marriage is about. That's what you're promising to each other. So feel free to take a lifetime to figure this out and become experts.
Speaker 2:Right. So you know, say it hurts one time and you stop. What if it hurts the next time too? Well, if you are repeatedly experiencing pain with sexual touch or intercourse, even if it's not all the time, again our advice is please, please, please, talk to a doctor about it. Yeah, please seek the help. Number one start with telling your spouse do not hide this. You cannot co-create a meaningful sexual relationship with meaningful connection if one of you is suffering in silence.
Speaker 1:Yeah, and this is about co-creating. If you're holding that back, then how are you creating something with your spouse if you're hiding this from them?
Speaker 2:Right.
Speaker 1:And so, yeah, they want to help you. I mean almost certain your spouse is marrying you because they want to take care of you. They want what is best for you. It would be abhorrent to me to consider that a spouse would just not care about that.
Speaker 2:Right and they together you know you together, hopefully can find what is the best course of care and treatment. But you know, if you're having repeated episodes of legitimate pain, talk to a professional about it, get help, find answers, don't just suffer.
Speaker 1:Yes, and then talk to your spouse about it.
Speaker 2:Right Two conversations you have to have yes and again, because nearly all causes of sexual pain have solutions. There are answers, there are things that you can do, pelvic floor therapists that can help provide different you know exercises and just lots of different ways to treat this pain. So there is just no reason, no matter how long you've been married, there is no reason to just be suffering in silence when it comes to sexual pain. Right, Matt, I think, where we can land? This is some advice to our listening audience because most of them are married right.
Speaker 1:I think so.
Speaker 2:I think that's still our audience. Apple podcast doesn't give me those kind of demographics, but I think that's probably the case, but I want to offer some encouragement and maybe some reframing. That needs to happen, because this email all starts from a young, you know bride to be, who has been told it's going to hurt. Can we just own that? There is really no reason to be scaring young women with the warning that sex is probably going to hurt. Right, can we take a step back? Yeah, for that.
Speaker 1:Why don't we instead teach them how to enjoy it? Yeah, why don't we have that conversation? Rather than framing this from the standpoint of oh, be careful, because it might hurt, why don't we instead give them the tools to know how to enjoy it?
Speaker 2:Can we share with them that yes, if this muscle has never been used this way, there might be some discomfort, but here's some great ways to avoid too much discomfort. We have that in conversation. Could we encourage open dialogues with mentors? Mamas, can you please start having open and clear and meaningful dialogues with your daughters and dads with their sons? Can we encourage involving healthcare providers that stand ready and willing and able to help if there is problems?
Speaker 1:Let's give these young people resources.
Speaker 2:Could we broaden this conversation into a much more healthy conversation? Because here's my fear All too often, I think this conversation sounds something like it's gonna hurt and you're gonna be exhausted, because wedding days are exhausting and so if it's gonna hurt and you're gonna be exhausted, it's okay to just not have sex on your wedding day.
Speaker 2:I can't tell you the number of times I have heard that and I get that it's well-meaning, but yo, that's the wrong thing to say to a coming, a new bride and a new groom. They absolutely should be celebrating and sharing the one thing that defines their marriage as such, and that is the sexual union, because, again, that sexual union is so much more than a goal. It is so much more than intercourse or orgasms. It is a spiritual connection that God intended for this marriage and it should be a part of their marriage from the very beginning, and we also should stop saying things that make it sound like sex is just for men and you're gonna have to for a lifetime. Do your wifely duty, so you deserve a night off on your wedding day.
Speaker 1:And since it's going, if it's going to hurt, then yeah, you should just prepare yourself and brace yourself and just power through and let him do what he needs to do.
Speaker 2:Right. Can we instead have a conversation about how wonderful the sexual relationship is? Could we start that conversation well before this couple is even engaged? Could we raise a next generation that knows beyond a shadow of doubt that their mom and dad has a great sex life? Yeah, because how amazing would that be.
Speaker 1:It would be astoundingly amazing because and going back to the scientific studies, as it were the incidence of sexual pain is profoundly much higher among religious women, especially conservative religious women, who were taught to fear and to be ashamed of their sexuality.
Speaker 2:Do y'all get that? The incidence of physical pain is very much tied to the experience that a woman has had growing up and how her sexuality has or has not been taught to her.
Speaker 1:Not all causes of sexual pain are psychological, but we could drastically reduce the frequency of this problem if we just did a better job of proclaiming the beauty of God's design and his beautiful plan for holy sexuality Right.
Speaker 2:So married people. Sorry, we're on a soapbox here, but let's have a different conversation with new brides and new grooms and encourage them to see the beauty of their sexual union and the joy of it instead of the negative.
Speaker 1:Yes, and the fear.
Speaker 2:All right, Matt, give us our wrap up.
Speaker 1:That pain with intercourse is not a rare circumstance is not a rare circumstance and may occur for many reasons. The good news is that there are solutions for nearly every cause. Some discomfort may occur for a new wife as her body becomes accustomed to the process of sexual intercourse. The keys to reducing or preventing sexual pain are lubrication and to go slow enough to achieve maximum arousal. If you experience pain during sex, stop immediately, have a conversation with your spouse about it and seek help from a healthcare provider.
Speaker 2:Now it's time to grab your spouse in your Bible and head to your kitchen table to have the conversation about painful sex. Have either of you ever experienced painful sex? How did it affect your relationship?
Speaker 1:We would love to have your feedback, whether you're married or not. You can contact us by emailing podcast at intimate covenant dot com or go to our website to submit an anonymous question. Intimate covenant dot com slash podcast. Click the button contact the podcast for that submission form. Thanks again to Derek and Open Door financial advisors for sponsoring the podcast. Contact opendoor at opendoorfacom, where finances meet faith and family.
Speaker 2:Thanks to all of you for listening, subscribing, rating and sharing the podcast. We are truly humbled by all your encouragement and all your support and thanks, especially to our Patreon subscribers, for coming alongside us in a very real and monthly way. We love you and we love your support and we're so thankful. And if you would like to join intimate covenant by supporting the podcast and our greater mission to share God's plan for intimate marriage and holy sexuality, we'd love it if you would join us by subscribing at patreoncom. Slash intimate covenant.
Speaker 1:Until next time, keep striving and don't settle.