In this episode, Matt & Jenn discuss how to handle the inevitable emotional and sexual rejections in your marriage relationship.
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Cherishing,
Matt & Jenn
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www.intimatecovenant.com
Intimate Covenant | Matt & Jenn Schmidt
In this episode, Matt & Jenn discuss how to handle the inevitable emotional and sexual rejections in your marriage relationship.
Please support these companies that support Intimate Covenant:
To send your comments, questions and suggestions, go to our website: www.intimatecovenant.com/podcast and click on the button: “Contact the Podcast” for an ANONYMOUS submission form. Or, send an email: podcast@intimatecovenant.com
Thanks for sharing, rating, reviewing and subscribing!
Cherishing,
Matt & Jenn
PS — If you have been blessed by the message of this podcast, we would deeply appreciate your support by donating to our mission of spreading God’s plan for intimate marriage and holy sexuality.
Join us at Patreon: www.patreon.com/intimatecovenant
Consider a one-time gift: www.intimatecovenant.com/donate
www.intimatecovenant.com
Intimate Covenant | Matt & Jenn Schmidt
Hey, Jen, wanna talk about coping with rejection.
Speaker 2:Denied Great.
Speaker 1:Today we're going to discuss handling emotional and sexual rejections in your marriage relationship. Let's do it. ["the Bible and Great Rejection"]. Welcome to the Intimate Covenant podcast, where we believe the Bible and Great Married Sex both belong on your kitchen table. That's right. We're talking about holy covenant-bound intimate relationships with hot sex.
Speaker 2:We're Matt and Jen, founders of Intimate Covenant. We offer biblical teaching and resources to help married couples achieve a fuller relationship and an extraordinary sex life. For more information, visit our website, IntimateCovenantcom.
Speaker 1:Welcome, friends.
Speaker 2:Welcome. Thanks for joining us.
Speaker 1:Yes, and hope everyone had a happy Thanksgiving and is now adequately prepared for the craziness that is December and the holiday season.
Speaker 2:It is that time of year the later this week is December 1st, which seems a little crazy, wow, but it's a fun season.
Speaker 1:December is upon us and, yes, it does get crazy in our household and I'm sure at yours as well. We do want to. Before we get to the new year, we do want to make some announcements for some events that are on the books for next year, 2024, starting to book up. It is.
Speaker 2:We're announcing for the first time today on the podcast that we are gonna be doing an Austin Texas marriage day.
Speaker 1:Yes, austin, texas, we are coming your way. We've been trying to get to Austin a couple of different times.
Speaker 2:We're just down the road. We think we would have gotten there by now.
Speaker 1:Finally making this happen. The details are still being more precisely planned, but we do have a date February 23rd and 24th, that is the last weekend of February. The venue, the itinerary, the registration details are all to be determined, but coming soon, and so look for those registration details. We'll, of course, be updating you on the podcast, and you can also find that information soon on our website as well.
Speaker 2:That's right. And then we are also. This is a little ways out, but we are also going ahead and announcing that we are gonna be doing a kingdom singles event here in the Houston area. This event will be for young adults like 18 and older, maybe target audience of the 20s and 30s and those cool 40 year olds too.
Speaker 1:But specifically for unmarried adults unmarried young adults A little bit different than the typical events that we've done in the past, but this is gonna be for young adults focusing on kingdom purpose, finding kingdom purpose while you're single, dealing with sexuality and maintaining a holy sexuality while you're single and, of course, for those who are seeking a spouse while single, dating with some intentionality and we're gonna talk about some of those things. We're gonna spend the whole day doing that and we're really looking forward to being with that group of people and trying to share some wisdom and be encouraged by them as well.
Speaker 2:That's right, and so that'll be Saturday, june 15th. So you know some singles in the Houston area or singles that want to travel to the Houston area. Go ahead and put that on some calendars.
Speaker 1:Yes, looking forward to that event as well. So, as we mentioned in the opener, we're talking about rejection today, which is maybe a harsh topic to jump into after the holiday Seems a little bit of a downer for the month of December, Matt From gratitude to rejection.
Speaker 1:That's the theme we're going with today, but I do wanna make it clear. I think that the principles that we want to consider today are really relevant, whether we're talking about emotional rejection or sexual rejection. Obviously, our podcast tends to be a little bit more focused on the sexual relationship, but I think these principles really apply and if you're a typical couple, one of you is going to be an emotional pursuer, one of you is a sexual pursuer, and so each of you in that relationship is gonna be experiencing some rejection, right?
Speaker 2:right. I mean, rejection is an inevitable part of any relationship. It's something that's painful, and so we often seek to avoid it, or maybe even deny it. Sure, but it's inevitable because you're two separate people, and so there is inevitably going to be times where one of you seeks something more or differently than the other, and what often happens then is a feeling of rejection. I mean, everyone gets rejected at some time, but repeated or important rejections can really cause some deep divides within relationships.
Speaker 1:Yeah, absolutely, and so, then, how each spouse is handling that rejection will have a profound effect on whether you, and whether your relationship is gonna be able to heal and to reconcile and to be able to move towards intimacy, right? So today we're gonna talk about the causes, the effects of rejection and then how we can best cope with this inevitability of the rejections that we're going to encounter in our marriages.
Speaker 2:Right, but you know, matt, there's someone who won't leave you feeling rejected.
Speaker 1:Oh, and who might that be?
Speaker 2:That might be Derek with Open Door Financial Advisors.
Speaker 1:Yes, we really appreciate Derek and his sponsorship of the podcast this year.
Speaker 2:He has not rejected us.
Speaker 1:No.
Speaker 2:Even though we might be a little bit of a financial mess.
Speaker 1:Yeah, he probably wishes he might have rejected us a few times because of the messes that he is helping us clean up. But in all, joking aside, Derek will do a great job for you. We strongly and firmly recommend Derek and his services at Open Door Financial Advisors. He will help you solve financial problems. He will help you solve financial planning issues, building a future around your values, around your dreams. He will walk you through that process, offering expert advice but also personalized advice.
Speaker 2:Yeah. I think one of my favorite things about Derek is that he seeks to regularly connect with his clients. He's not a okay, here's your plan. Now go and do it and live it perfectly, and I'll see you in a year. Rather, he has a subscription based, and so he is looking for you to really be able to kind of meet with him on a regular basis, and that just helps give you traction.
Speaker 1:Yes, right, it's a monthly meeting. He's going to get you a plan. He's going to help you see through that plan. He's going to handle the road bumps that come along with that. But no contracts and so there's no long-term commitments. He's just there to help you when you need him, for as long as you need him.
Speaker 2:That's right. Contact opendoorfacom where finances meet faith and family.
Speaker 1:With respect to the topic at hand, which is this topic of rejection, and again, whether that's the emotional rejection, whether you're seeking, like, an emotional connection which gets rejected, or you're seeking a sexual connection that gets rejected, I think the place to start with this idea and really helping myself cope with rejection is first to acknowledge that it's painful.
Speaker 2:Yeah, I mean, like I said at the beginning, sometimes we just seek to deny it's even happening and that's not actually very helpful. I think we first have to acknowledge the pain and really the grief of rejection. We don't often use that grief feels like this great big word, but that's what you're going through, because rejection produces feelings of inadequacy. There are feelings of being unwanted and you have to cope with that. You have to deal with the inevitable effects of that.
Speaker 1:Yeah, absolutely. With rejection, there's going to be this added insecurity that you're feeling about the relationship, and that insecurity bleeds over into all of your other relationships as well. If there is rejection happening in your marriage, you're going to feel less sure about your relationships with your children, relationship with your friends or your work or whatever it might be. That is going to bleed over, and so it's very important, I think, to first just acknowledge that I am being rejected, or at least that I feel rejected. In this circumstance, and especially if that's something that's happening repeatedly or on an ongoing basis, that's going to obviously be even more complicated.
Speaker 2:Right. I mean it is completely normal to feel pain, to feel grief, to feel anger, resentment, depression, even, or despair in some strong cases. I mean all of those feelings may be directed against yourself or against your spouse, or even against the people who have nothing to do with it, like your kids.
Speaker 1:How often?
Speaker 2:have we felt a sense of anger towards our spouse and we take it out on the closest kid.
Speaker 1:Absolutely. You know, things that happen at home have a direct impact on how I'm performing at work or what. I'm distracted by at work. So, yes, it certainly bleeds over, like we said, into every one of those other relationships. But it's important to be aware of this, be aware of your feelings, recognize these kind of painful feelings and recognize that I still have the obligation to treat others, including the spouse who may be rejecting me. I'm still obligated to treat them with love and with grace.
Speaker 2:And that is easy to say and really hard to do.
Speaker 1:Yeah, I wish I had a Go ahead. I wish I had a simple solution for that.
Speaker 2:Yeah, our tendency when we're rejected is to close off and build up a wall. Right, we want to close ourselves off. We want to pull back, and then we want to put up a barrier to protect ourselves.
Speaker 1:Yeah, because we believe that holding others at a distance whether it's our spouse or sometimes everyone else then because that insecurity bleeds over. So then we start to hold everyone else at a distance so that we can decrease that risk of rejection, decrease the risk of that sting that occurs, and so we preemptively reject others so that we'll be protected from future pain.
Speaker 2:Right, we want to protect ourselves and we want to. We say, oh, that ouch, that hurts. I don't want to feel that again. So here's the steps I'm going to take to make sure I never feel that pain again.
Speaker 1:And so specifically Doesn't work. Yeah right, Exactly Doesn't work. And specifically in a marriage, our tendency is if my spouse has rejected me in some way, my tendency then is to preemptively reject them. So when they reach out to me in some other way, my tendency is to reject them because they rejected me.
Speaker 2:Right, and so that ends up we miss opportunities to actually connect. What did we want when we were pursuing our spouse and again, this is emotionally or sexually we wanted connection. We felt rejected, and so our reaction then is to reject in turn, denying ourselves the very thing we want, which is connection.
Speaker 1:If my spouse blew me off when I tried to bring up the topic of what are we doing for the holidays with the in-law family? If they blew me off, then then I'm not going to be very inclined to acquiesce to their sexual advances later on that evening. Right, right, this happens all the time in relationships and often we're not even aware that this is happening. We just it's our natural reaction and response, right. But If you stay in the grief, like Jen said, if you stay in that moment of grief or anger or whatever it might be, if you stay there, then you're going to miss more opportunities for connection and I think that's the big takeaway here.
Speaker 1:It's important to acknowledge grief, it's important to acknowledge that it's painful, but if you stay there, then you're not going to be able to build something beyond just the grief and the heartache and the bad feelings that you have, right?
Speaker 2:So we'll keep going and maybe we can lead them to the right place, Matt.
Speaker 1:That's the point. But of course all rejection begs the question. Internally. We at least are asking ourselves why am I being rejected?
Speaker 2:Right.
Speaker 1:What's wrong with me?
Speaker 2:Right, or even the real question what's wrong with my spouse? Yes, why does my spouse behave this way and constantly reject?
Speaker 1:me Absolutely that initial grief that occurs with reaction can sometimes slowly, sometimes quickly turn into anger or bitterness or resentment or coldness or whatever it might be.
Speaker 2:Yeah, you know, like I was saying earlier, I think we do have a tendency to kind of downplay rejection, to deny it, but we don't realize how much it's building up Right.
Speaker 1:Absolutely.
Speaker 2:We don't really want to think about it and so we just but because we have been heard, we let that resentment start building Right. Slowly it starts building up and we realize all of a sudden there's a big wall between us.
Speaker 1:Right, right. And so before you go there, before you go to that place of anger and resentment, or maybe if you're already there some of us maybe have been rejected repeatedly and constantly, maybe for years instead of going there, we're going to ask you, maybe challenge you a little bit, to consider some alternate perspectives about the difficulty of your situation. Not to downplay that it is a difficult circumstance, but we do want to ask you to challenge yourself and we also want to encourage you to maybe try to find some new hope in starting to build back some of those new bridges and create some new places of connection in your relationship.
Speaker 2:Right.
Speaker 1:So the first thing to recognize with rejection, before we get bitter about it, before we get angry about it, is first to recognize that any intimate relationship requires two people.
Speaker 2:Mm-hmm.
Speaker 1:And so, because of that reason, almost always, rejection is occurring because of multiple factors, some of which that have to do with you as an individual, and some of those have to do with the one who has rejected the offer and maybe, entirely independent of you, may have nothing to do with you at all.
Speaker 2:Okay.
Speaker 1:So your offer may be completely reasonable and it may not and maybe we'll get to that point in a minute but your offer may be completely reasonable. But your spouse may not necessarily be in a position to be able to accept your offer Right Now. Again, certainly it's helpful to consider how you are presenting yourself. How am I coming across? How am I making this bid? Is there something wrong with the way that I'm going about this? Or is there something that I could improve in the way that I'm going about this? That is certainly a reasonable consideration, but recognize that your spouse's resistance may have more to do with their own individual internal blocks than it does have to do with you.
Speaker 2:Right. So while that's still frustrating, maybe there's a little bit of solace in just knowing that the rejection isn't necessarily personal. Right Now that's easy to say. Well, yes, but that's the point I'm getting at Right, and if you can keep in your mind that it may be not that they're rejecting me, right, it's not that they're rejecting me as a person, me as an individual, but that they're rejecting, maybe, some specific means of connection that I'm asking for, that I'm offering.
Speaker 1:So maybe it's that the way in which I'm asking for connection isn't something that they can give or want to give at the moment, Absolutely yeah, and maybe it's you know if you're asking for some really exotic or erotic sexual activity, your spouse just may not individually be at a place mentally or have the energy or the mental capacity to wrap their minds around that at the moment. Right, they may be rejecting that specifically, but it's not because they dislike you. They may just not be capable of going to that place.
Speaker 2:Right, it could be that you know you. Not only are you putting out there something that is outside of their normal comfort zone, but you're doing that spontaneously.
Speaker 1:Sure.
Speaker 2:You know, and so you're ramping them up to honestly be in a place where no is the default answer. Yes, right, but it can also be your spouse had a really long, hard day at work and they've come home and they're just trying to come down from that and you think now is a good time to have a where are we going to be in five years kind of conversation.
Speaker 1:Right, yes.
Speaker 2:It's not that they don't want to talk to you.
Speaker 1:Yes.
Speaker 2:It's not that, given the situation, now is not really the time to have that conversation. Maybe they're able to have a conversation with you. Maybe the spouse is able to have sexual connection with you. It's just that they can't do it in the manner in which you're asking, right?
Speaker 1:Exactly, and so, again, they may be rejecting just the specific means of connection that you're offering in that moment. That said, there are times I think all of us probably could recognize that they may not even be trying to reject you in the moment. They may just not simply be hearing or noticing your bid for connection.
Speaker 2:Yeah, and I think this happens a lot when pursuers have kind of learned to like quietly throw out these bid for connections, like you know you've you've talked about it before is like weak little probes.
Speaker 1:Yes, you can take it in the temperature of the room.
Speaker 2:You used to constantly take the temperature Is now a good time for sex Is now a good time for sex and depending on what pajamas I pulled out of the drawer, you were taking it as a rejection or not Absolutely. I just was looking for comfortable pajamas.
Speaker 1:Or you know, walking, I sit down on the couch and put my hand on your knee and if it, if I didn't get the kind of response I was hoping or expecting, then I read all kinds of things into that and I took it internally as a rejection, even though that wasn't her her. She didn't even know that she was being propositioned Right.
Speaker 2:I had no idea I was rejecting you because I didn't. But at the same time, how many times have I sat down beside you and wanted to have a conversation with you? And because you weren't really making a lot of eye contact with me, I took that as he doesn't want to be here, he doesn't want to talk to me. You know I'm I'm reading into this as all sorts of levels of rejection, and it's just your body language.
Speaker 1:Absolutely.
Speaker 2:It's different than how I think it should be.
Speaker 1:We sit down even on a date night. We sit down across from each other, and if there's a television on in the restaurant that happens to have a sporting event on it, I really have a hard time keeping my eyes off of it, Even if I don't care about the teams or the sport.
Speaker 2:It does not matter even what the sport is.
Speaker 1:It doesn't matter, it could be curling, but I could be, or not not figure skating, but whatever it is it could be, you know, whatever it is, um crook, you know cricket or something.
Speaker 2:I try hard to find a sport that you don't actually want to watch.
Speaker 1:Well, there are. There are a few probably.
Speaker 2:You glance at the TV and you watch it and I immediately am like you're not listening to me, You're not paying attention to this conversation. You want to be watching the sport game more than you want to be talking to me.
Speaker 1:Yes, so you're reading in rejection, and it's because of my own you know obliviousness that I am not catching onto the fact that I need to have my eyes somewhere else.
Speaker 2:So we often project rejection onto our spouse simply because they've not met our expectation and, frankly, that gets back to the fact that we've never even told them our expectation. So For us, Matthew, you now know right. If there is a TV and we're intending to have a good date night full of good conversation, Matt just makes a point to set himself where he can't look at the TV. Because he knows that I'm sensitive to looking at the TV.
Speaker 2:So I have expressed to you my expectation that date night is gonna equal a certain level of eye connection, body turn towards one another in that conversation. But this took a conversation. It took me saying here are my expectations.
Speaker 1:And we also don't plan date nights during the time of important sporting events either. So it goes both ways we express our expectations and we try to meet it, because your spouse is not a mind reader.
Speaker 2:I'm certainly not.
Speaker 1:It's also important. Well, maybe I don't wanna move on from that point yet, because I think something else could really be said here and you hinted at it. But I think a lot of sexual pursuers are so used to being rejected, or they are almost expecting rejection, that they never actually get around to making an offer. They never even get to the point of making an explicit request for sex. We make a joke here or there, or we make a comment, or we pat on the butt or whatever, and if our spouse is not immediately engaged, then we feel like we have some plausible deniability, like, oh, I wasn't really offering, I was just teasing or I was just whatever, so that we can tell ourselves that we didn't actually get rejected. And so because of that, we get in this mode of constantly not offering, so that we're constantly never rejected, but then we never actually get what we want. And I'm just here to tell you pursuers, make the bid. Yeah, just come out and say exactly what you're looking for. Make the bid.
Speaker 2:And your responder will appreciate that I would much rather know this is what I am looking for than to constantly be guessing.
Speaker 1:Yeah, for sure.
Speaker 2:And realizing that I'm doing this wrong. I just don't know where it is. I'm doing it wrong.
Speaker 1:Right, exactly. So some of this is out of your control and it's about your spouse and what they're dealing with, but it is also important and necessary to be self-reflective and to examine whether or not I am presenting myself in a desirable way. Am I making bids for connection that are realistic? Yeah, that is important for me to consider. So one of the questions that I would pointedly ask myself is would I want what I am offering, right? Would I want to have sex with me? Yeah, would I want to cuddle with me? Would I want to have a deep, meaningful conversation with me?
Speaker 2:Yeah.
Speaker 1:And again that gets down to you know. Am I safe, am I warm, am I inviting or am I critical and defensive?
Speaker 2:Right, I mean, nobody wants to hug a porcupine, right exactly. And if I'm presenting myself as immediately critical and defensive, then we'll know no one's going to want to have a nice cuddle, warm conversation with me.
Speaker 1:Yeah, right have I made.
Speaker 2:But we do that because we, like you said a minute ago, we're taking that place of previous rejection and we're putting it forward, right, yes, and because we're afraid now we're going to put our defensives up, but still want the connection.
Speaker 1:Yeah, it's all backwards in our minds and we don't obviously aren't thinking clearly about what we're really looking for, right? But you know, have I made my spouse feel special and cherished, or does my spouse feel neglected and low priority and therefore are they unwilling to hear my bid for connection because they aren't feeling connected, they're not feeling special, they're not feeling cherished.
Speaker 2:Right? Is my offer generous and considerate of their desires, of their wants and needs and comfort, or is it really just all about me and trying to make myself feel good?
Speaker 1:Right, exactly so I mean again. In the end, it's rare that missed connections and rejections are the fault of just one spouse. Yeah, but at the same time it's important to be mindful that rejection is not necessarily a reflection of myself, it's not necessarily a reflection of my own self-worth, but I must also be honestly critical of myself and be willing to do the work to present the best version of myself to my spouse.
Speaker 2:Which is hard when you are in the place of rejection. Right, this is the call to be better be, better myself not be waiting for my spouse to be better.
Speaker 1:Absolutely.
Speaker 2:So I think where we can kind of end this episode, matt is really just dwelling for a minute on what it is to cope with rejection. What does it look like in that moment of rejection? What should we do better?
Speaker 1:Well, I think what has to come to mind, or what I have to push toward and be inclined toward, is maturity and selflessness. If I had to maybe sum it up in just those two words Now, there's a lot to that to maybe unpack, but what it doesn't look like is angry outbursts or pouting. Those reactions are not going to get you what you want first of all. So it's really counterproductive and it ought to be counterintuitive, but unfortunately it's kind of the nature of how we are programmed to react, because our initial response is about preserving self. So we are prone to these angry outbursts or the pouting, the cold withdrawal.
Speaker 2:Right, but all you're doing, then, is proving that you are unsafe, you're undesirable and you're selfish. If I want a conversation and I don't feel like I'm getting it and I throw at you angry words, you're not gonna be inclined to then have a nice conversation with me.
Speaker 1:Yes, certainly if I'm coming to my spouse with an offer for an intimate sexual encounter and they reject me, intentionally or not, and then I come back with anger and pouting and all of the other self-centered reactions. Yeah, I'm just proving that my spouse made the right choice.
Speaker 2:And you are building your spouse's wall all the more.
Speaker 1:Yes, you're piling the bricks up for them in that case.
Speaker 2:Yeah, so instead of angry outbursts and pouting, we've gotta learn to be content.
Speaker 1:Right.
Speaker 2:And that's a small word and a big ask, but it's learning to be content with what is being offered. Because, again, it's usually not that they're rejecting you completely, outright as a whole person. Yes, they're usually offering something. It's just that you want something different. And so learning to be content with what is being offered, with what is on the table, is a primary place to dealing with rejection.
Speaker 1:Be willing to sit in the rejection for a moment and find the nuance of what is being rejected so that perhaps you could offer something that is desirable and something that could be built upon. Celebrate what you're able to build then in that moment, rather than dwelling on what you're not getting. Because a lot of times the rejection is not that they're rejecting you, it's that they're rejecting the kind of thing that you want the kind of sex, the kind of date night, the kind of conversation. It's not that they don't want to have any engagement with you. They don't want or can't do exactly what you're asking for in that moment.
Speaker 2:Right, and so learn to be content with what it is that they are able to give to you in that moment. That doesn't mean that there's not growth for both of you. That can and should be a part of this, but you have to first start with contentment.
Speaker 1:Absolutely so no pouting. And look, pursuers are really good at pouting.
Speaker 2:Emotional and sexual pursuers? Yes, absolutely, you don't get what you want.
Speaker 1:And so you take your stuff and you go to your own room, you go to your man cave, you go to your whatever and you close everything off. And you have me time because your spouse has said no, so you just reject them entirely. Look, if you're pouting after you are rejected, you are demonstrating that your offer to be with your spouse was purely of selfish motivation. You're confirming that. If you are pouting, you are confirming that your motivation was purely selfish, because either you wanted to connect in that moment or you just wanted something for yourself. And if you are rejected and you leave that opportunity to connect and you walk away from that opportunity, you're confirming that your motivation was selfish. Instead, if your bid is rejected, then again sit in that rejection and find the nuance of some other means of connection that you both want.
Speaker 2:Right.
Speaker 1:Stop pouting.
Speaker 2:Right. And then I think, stop playing it safe, stop hiding, start being authentic. Everyone gets rejected sometimes. You've said it before that if you're not getting rejected then you probably aren't pursuing strongly enough. That's true again, this is true emotionally and sexually. If I am by nature an emotional pursuer, then it is on me to be the initiator of that emotional connection. And that means sometimes I'm going to have a miss, sometimes I'm going to come looking for emotional connection and it's just not the right time or way for you. And so I've got to own that and stop being afraid of that. But I think all too often we again we stop pursuing really fully because we're afraid of that moment of rejection.
Speaker 1:Yes, again, consider the perfect pursuer. Who is the perfect pursuer Not?
Speaker 2:you.
Speaker 1:No, not me for sure. But if you consider that Jesus is the perfect pursuer, then recognize that even Jesus is the perfect pursuer. Then recognize that even Jesus gets rejected a majority of the time by me, by me and by everyone else.
Speaker 2:It's not that hard to consider, yeah.
Speaker 1:So as a pursuer.
Speaker 2:What does he do?
Speaker 1:Follow his example and pursue relentlessly, and pursue entirely selflessly.
Speaker 2:I think that's the key. If my pursuit is not based on all the things that I want, but is based on a desire for intimate connection with my beloved, then I will just keep pursuing, because I'm looking for what's best for us, not what's just best for me, right, and so that means that I'm willing to find multiple ways to connect. You might innately have one way of connection that you. It's kind of your default. I mean, as everybody knows, I'm the emotional pursuer, so my default is conversation. My default is seeking connection with you through all the things that conversation equals to me. But if I only rely on that, then I'm going to be disappointed. I'm going to be rejected. Rather, I could learn to recognize all the bids for connection that you yourself are throwing out, right? The closer your spouse feels, the more likely they are then to notice all of your bids for connection. So if you're paying attention to their bids, they feel closer to you. They're more likely to notice your bids for connection.
Speaker 1:Absolutely so. Again, I think what you're saying, which you're saying well, is to seek to connect in all realms of intimacy, find all those different places where you have opportunities to connect and, as a pursuer or as a responder in those cases, be willing to spend some time and energy in those areas that your spouse values. If I expect my spouse to respond to me, I must be responsive to them.
Speaker 2:I think that's just how it works out, how it boils down. Yes, and isn't it amazing how easy it is to not actually recognize that.
Speaker 1:We just spin in these circles of these toxic cycles of discontent and resentment and anger and bitterness and rejection, and it doesn't have to be that way, right.
Speaker 2:And I think ultimately, where it grows is learning to have direct conversations with one another.
Speaker 1:Yeah, there's little things that you might be able to tweak that would dramatically change your spouse's response, and they might not ever have to know about it.
Speaker 2:Right.
Speaker 1:But ultimately, like you said, if there's a long pattern of rejection and you feel constantly rejected by your spouse, you may just have to take a direct approach and force the conversation about this.
Speaker 2:Right, right, learning to say I feel rejected, and saying that in a way that's not pouting, that's not defensive, that's not angry, but expressing here's how I feel. I mean, you have to offer the benefit of the doubt, but you also need to be open with your observations and your feelings and, again, expressing not I want what I want, but I want connection with you. I want to feel closer to you. I want to feel desired. I want you to feel desired and learning how to have that conversation of frankly asking your spouse how would you feel desired? What can I do to make you feel desired? Okay, that's a place where I'm going to be the responder I'm going to work on, but then you also can turn that conversation. Okay, here's how I would feel desired. Here's the things that I would like for you how I would like for you to respond to me. That's a great conversation. That's not a you against me, that's a team building.
Speaker 1:We Absolutely, and I think those kinds of conversations are critical, especially if you can be specific. You can offer specific ways in which your spouse can help to make you feel desired and vice versa. But I think also the more specific you can be about the times and circumstances where you felt rejected, those are points of learning for both of you in how to restructure and maybe reframe your relationship.
Speaker 2:Well, and that may mean it takes a little bit of time for you, number one, to be doing all of the internal work, which is the whole first half of this podcast, right, how do you reframe this yourself? But, number two, just taking time to recognize when is it that I feel rejected, what are the events that came up that were surrounding this, so that we're not just always reacting in that exact moment, but we're able to have a calm conversation later that offers examples, but not accusations.
Speaker 1:Right, right, go in with the mindset that this is not necessarily intentional and that both of you almost certainly both of you want something better. Right, if you approach it from that mindset, then you both will be in a much better mindset to make progress towards better connection in the future.
Speaker 2:And I think it's vitally important that we recognize that if I'm feeling rejected, odds are high that my spouse is also feeling rejected. And so that may mean it will mean that this conversation is also going to involve some criticism of me.
Speaker 1:Absolutely.
Speaker 2:And if I again, if my goal is to tell my spouse that I am a safe place, I do desire intimate connection with them, then I have to be willing to hear that criticism without defensiveness.
Speaker 1:Absolutely.
Speaker 2:I have to own my own failings. I have to own the times that I have rejected, whether that was intentionally or unintentionally.
Speaker 1:Right, right, I love what Esther Perel says about this. She says when I don't feel heard, it's often because I'm not listening. And again, the point is, if I don't feel like I'm, my voice matters, if I don't feel like my, that there's no connection there, it's not always because people aren't listening to me, it's often because I'm not listening to them. And I think that's where the mirror kind of gets flipped around in our face and ultimately, you know I'm going to be rejected, you're going to be rejected. All of you listening are going to be rejected. But ultimately, all that I can deal with is my side of the equation. What am I contributing to this? How can I present myself in a better way, in a better light? How can I come at this in a less self-focused place so that we can move forward to something that is more connecting? And, even though it takes two of us to have an intimate relationship, that the spark of change can happen just from my willingness to take the first step.
Speaker 2:Absolutely All right, matt. Good episode, give us a wrap up.
Speaker 1:So rejection almost always occurs due to multiple factors that have to do with how you are presenting the bid for connection and with your spouse's individual circumstances. Angry outbursts or pouting will never get you what you want. Rather, these kinds of reactions prove that you are unsafe, self-centered and undesirable. Instead, consider the perfect pursuer, jesus. Even he gets rejected a majority of times. Follow his example and pursue relentlessly and selflessly.
Speaker 2:Now it's time to grab your spouse and your Bible and head to your kitchen table to have the conversation about rejection. Talk about the last time that you each felt rejected. What were the circumstances and how could you do a better job of seeing and responding to each other's bids for connection?
Speaker 1:We would love to hear your feedback about this episode or whatever might be on your mind regarding marriage and marriage sex. Contact us by emailing the podcast at podcastatintimatecovenantcom or submit an anonymous feedback form or your questions by going to the website intimatecovenantcom slash podcast and click the button contact the podcast for an anonymous submission form. Thanks again to Derek and Open Door financial advisors for sponsoring the podcast. Contact Open Door at opendoorfacom, where finances meet faith and family.
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Speaker 1:Until next time, keep striving and don't settle.