Thanks for sharing, rating, reviewing and subscribing!
Cherishing, Matt & Jenn
PS — If you have been blessed by the message of this podcast, we would deeply appreciate your support by donating to our mission of spreading God’s plan for intimate marriage and holy sexuality.
Thanks for sharing, rating, reviewing and subscribing!
Cherishing, Matt & Jenn
PS — If you have been blessed by the message of this podcast, we would deeply appreciate your support by donating to our mission of spreading God’s plan for intimate marriage and holy sexuality.
Hey, jen, wanna talk about the one thing that will improve your intimacy this next year.
Speaker 2:
Are you selling something Great?
Speaker 1:
In this special Christmas edition, we're keeping it short and sweet, as we describe in 15 minutes one daily habit that will profoundly improve the trajectory of your marriage. Let's do it. Welcome to the Intimate Covenant podcast, where we believe the Bible and Great Married Sex both belong on your kitchen table. That's right. We're talking about holy covenant-bound intimate relationships with hot sex.
Speaker 2:
We're Matt and Jen, founders of Intimate Covenant. We offer biblical teaching and resources to help married couples achieve a fuller relationship and an extraordinary sex life. For more information, visit our website, IntimateCovenantcom.
Speaker 1:
Welcome, friends.
Speaker 2:
Welcome. Thanks for joining us and Merry Christmas.
Speaker 1:
Merry Christmas. As usual, the podcast drops every other Monday and.
Speaker 2:
Christmas is on a Monday.
Speaker 1:
It happens to be Christmas this year.
Speaker 2:
That's right. We thought about changing the schedule, but then we would be dropping a Christmas on New Year's Day because that's a week away. So you know we're gonna hit a holiday either way.
Speaker 1:
We're gonna do it.
Speaker 2:
We are recording this right before we start our Christmas celebrations. We have the first of four. Welcome to big family life.
Speaker 1:
Yes, especially when your children begin leaving, and then that adds even more scheduling to the mix. That's right. So all good, all great Christmas isn't a day right, it's an entire season at this point. Yes, right, so time is short for most of us this week. Absolutely. We did assume maybe rightly, maybe wrongly that most of you will probably not be listening to this episode when it drops on Christmas Day. You better not be listening to this episode.
Speaker 2:
Oh, maybe there are those that are, you know, like sipping their coffee right now, while waiting for the kids to wake up, staring at the Christmas tree.
Speaker 1:
We could imagine that I love that image.
Speaker 2:
yeah, okay, or maybe you're driving to you know grandma's house and and you have the AirPods in because you don't want to hear the noise the kids are making in the background.
Speaker 1:
Okay, so that might be a good excuse to listen, but in either case, time is short for you, I'm sure time is short for us, no doubt. So we wanted to provide an episode, though, that was both short and practical, for this holiday edition.
Speaker 2:
Yeah, we got an email a few weeks ago that reminded us of something that we have taught at almost every event we've ever presented at, but we've and we've mentioned it multiple times, even on the podcast, but we have never actually devoted an entire detailed podcast episode to it. So here we are.
Speaker 1:
So here we are. So, and that email was asking about the details of this daily check-in that we have recommended and sort of prescribed, I guess, you could say, in many different instances we couldn't recall ourselves the episode where we mentioned it. We looked, couldn't find it. So here we are. We're just going to devote an entire episode to it so that it's easy to find and to go. This listener and others, hopefully, can find it. So, again, that's what we're talking about is this daily check-in, it's this 10 to 15 minute daily ritual that we recommend. And I'm you know, I don't make many guarantees. I don't make many promises because most things are out of my control, but I will tell you that if you institute the principles of this daily check-in, this 15 minute daily ritual, I guarantee you that you will change the trajectory of your marriage.
Speaker 2:
You will change the level of intimacy and the connectedness in your marriage in all areas of your marriage and we know that personally and we know that from the you know so many that have contacted us after hearing this and telling us that, wow, yes.
Speaker 1:
Makes a difference.
Speaker 2:
Yes, it makes a difference. So so, yeah, you don't guarantee a lot, but here we are.
Speaker 1:
I'm going to guarantee that this will change your marriage. This will change your marriage.
Speaker 2:
This is worth the price of the podcast, yeah but before we get into the details of this invaluable practice, it needs a new name Matt.
Speaker 1:
It does need a new name, daily check-in is really boring.
Speaker 2:
It's pretty boring.
Speaker 1:
For years. That's what we've called it daily check-in. And it's not because we are we can't think of it well, it is because we can't think of anything better. It's not because we haven't tried to think of something better.
Speaker 2:
It's just not. It's not a very sexy name.
Speaker 1:
It needs a sexier name. At least it needs a name that's more descriptive and a name that just sounds more fun than daily check-in.
Speaker 2:
Yeah, hey, honey, it's time for the daily check-in.
Speaker 1:
That just doesn't. Doesn't work for me, it doesn't do it.
Speaker 2:
So our creativity has hit a block, so we are calling on the intimate covenant family to help us out with this one.
Speaker 1:
Right, right, so we need your help. We have some suggestions. Some folks have offered some suggestions.
Speaker 2:
We've asked before at a local event and we've had a couple of suggestions.
Speaker 1:
So we've had things like intimate conversations or the connecting ritual or the cherishing protocol.
Speaker 2:
Those are some of the names, but.
Speaker 1:
If those sound good to you, let us know. We wanna know. But if you have a better suggestion than what we've given you, if you tell me, give us, give us. If you send us a better suggestion for a name for this daily check-in, send it to us and we are going to reward your creativity.
Speaker 2:
We are going to gift whomever sends us the name that we ultimately settle on the best suggestion. We're gonna send you some exclusive intimate covenant swag. We will send this listener a pair not just one, but two exclusive intimate covenant travel mugs and a vinyl decal. So who wouldn't want that?
Speaker 1:
Who wouldn't want that?
Speaker 2:
Come on, all of you creative, intimate covenant listeners, let us know what should we call the daily check-in?
Speaker 1:
Yes, and if you just send us a suggestion, there may be something in it for you as well. So, give us here, send us your feedback. We want to hear from you. We want to hear your suggestions, your creativity for a name for this.
Speaker 2:
That's right, we are falling short on creativity, but, matt, you know who's not short on creative and practical solutions.
Speaker 1:
Derek Finley we go, you're right. With Open Door Financial Advisors. Opendoorfadecom. Derek at Open Door Financial Advisors helps clients solve their financial problems and build a future around their values and their dreams. Open Door is for everyone, yes, and it Open Door helps families achieve the goals for their lives.
Speaker 2:
Right. So, whether you're in the middle class, you have a lot of savings, you have a little savings, you have no savings. Whether you're young or you're old, Open Door is an accessible option to help you navigate the unique challenges you're faced with financial planning.
Speaker 1:
Open Door Financial Advisors where finances meet faith and family. Contact Derek at opendoorfadecom.
Speaker 2:
All right, matt. So the daily check-in, as we alluded to already, this is a tool that will change your marriage and because we know that this has been one of the things that, from the get-go, was just so incredibly fundamental in changing how we had approached our marriage, how we had approached just the communication within our marriage, but it changed all realms of intimacy for us when we started practicing this, Absolutely Without a doubt, this was really just a huge shift in the trajectory the growth of our marriage, the growth of our intimacy.
Speaker 2:
It made it and we're going to explain all of the details of how this works, but I think one of the benefits for us is it made it so much easier just outside of even this check-in time together. It made us easier for us to talk at a much deeper level than just the logistics of the day that became much more normal versus we only had those kind of conversations on special date nights.
Speaker 1:
It didn't take as long for us to build up that momentum, to feel close enough to have really significant conversations regularly.
Speaker 2:
Yes, I know you all listening, think that Matt is a talker because that's what you hear him doing, but I'm going to let you in on the reality that you are not a natural talker, as in really emotionally connecting with me and talking with me, that just was not your nature, right? Someone recently said to me like okay, jen, how did you get Matt to talk to you? Because they know you well and they know that by nature, you are not someone who just opens up in extra sizes, but this practice of the daily check-in helped you tap into your emotions in a different way.
Speaker 1:
It taught me how to find those places, how to connect to those places personally, so that then I could share that with you much more readily.
Speaker 2:
This was transformative for our marriage and again in all realms of intimacy because this bled over into me being much more inclined towards our physical side of our marriage and I felt so much more connected to you. I felt more seen and heard and that helped me open up even more.
Speaker 1:
Because we felt more connected in those more fundamental ways. The sexual side of our marriage just became more natural. It became more inclined.
Speaker 2:
I didn't have to force. Yeah, absolutely.
Speaker 1:
You're probably all wondering now well, what is this great thing that they keep talking about? Okay, so very simply, it is three steps. It is a daily practice and it takes about 10 to 15 minutes. But it's a daily practice and the first step is that you have to spend 10 to 15 minutes of meaningful conversation.
Speaker 2:
Now, this is conversation that is not logistics. It is not a recounting of the events of the day that happens in another way. That should be happening throughout the day, via text message or however it is. You can communicate. But this is not about the logistics what you did today but rather it's a conversation that involves feelings, maybe dreams, maybe goals, maybe opinions. It is a deeper level conversation.
Speaker 1:
Right, it might be with respect to or in reference to the events of the day, but it's not what happened. It's how did it make me feel? How did I deal with it? What am I? What are we doing about that? It's not logistics, and you know. Again, it's not talking about who's picking up the dry cleaning or who's doing this other thing to me, and it's not just telling stories of what the kids did. Yes, it's not recounting the event of the day either. That's exactly right.
Speaker 2:
So there is one person of a couple who, when they hear this, they go yes, and there's another that's like, uh, it's a no for me, but the rules of this are that you must both participate. So it's not one person listens for 10 to 15 minutes while the other talks. It is that both of you are participating and sharing.
Speaker 1:
But you don't have to divide that time equally. One of you is more naturally the talker Right.
Speaker 2:
And connecting to the emotions. As long as the other one is showing up and participating in a meaningful way, that's okay.
Speaker 1:
Right.
Speaker 2:
Now one of you is going to be inclined to uh, want this conversation to happen for an hour, so our number one piece of advice is that you set a timer, so it is actually something that you agree together. This whole process will only last for usually 15 minutes. Right About how much longer you take. That's less than a Netflix episode.
Speaker 1:
Oh, far less. And um, you know, if you're the one who's a little bit hesitant about this conversation, then you be the one that's in charge of the timer Now, when the timer goes off. If you both feel like you're not quite done and you want to set a timer for another 15 minutes, then be my guest. It's not limited to 15 minutes, uh, but if one of you is done after 15 minutes, then it's done.
Speaker 2:
And the other of you cannot, cannot hold resentment against that. That's exactly right. You're grateful for the 15 minutes that you've had in this meaningful conversation. So that's the first part.
Speaker 1:
Now, the other caveat to this and it kind of applies to the whole thing is that this must be conversation that is undistracted. There must be no children involved. There must be no phones, no phones, no TV, no computer. No, this is connected. Uh, devoted, intentional time that you have set aside. That is sacred. That is going to happen, regardless of what what else is is on the agenda. Um, and so you can decide. You both need to decide what time of day, when is this?
Speaker 2:
going to happen. Yes, this may be over coffee in the morning, before your day has really gotten started. This may be, you know, right before you go to bed together. Um, you know you decide when it's happening, but absolutely no distractions um are allowed and you know that means you are not holding your phone in your hands.
Speaker 1:
Right. So, um, once you've completed that, that time, that conversation and it's not going to be a complete conversation, you can't address every tiny little minute detail, but you can connect on some level in sharing again those feelings, those dreams, those goals, those opinions, whatever it is. Once you've uh, once the timer goes off, or you, you both have reached the point of that, the the endpoint of that conversation, then the second part of this um practice is an exchange of statements of gratitude and praise, and or praise, I should say.
Speaker 2:
Right and and you know this should be unique to um every day. So, in other words, when you first start this, you're like, oh, I got this, this is easy. So, uh, matt, thank you for going to work for us today.
Speaker 1:
Thanks for working hard, oh and yeah and Jen, dinner was great. You're such a great cook.
Speaker 2:
But guess what, guys, when you're like a week into this and you've used up all of the easy things and you know that, okay, tonight we've got daily check-in and I need to come up with something. I want to express a gratitude or praise, and it needs to be something I haven't previously said, that's tougher.
Speaker 1:
Yeah, it needs to be meaningful. So, uh, that's going to be a little bit more challenging.
Speaker 2:
So yeah, but the beauty of that is it teaches you to be looking for places to be appreciative and positive. So you know what you spend your whole day doing Thinking about your beloved and thinking of ways that you can offer gratitude and praise. Start a list on your phone, you know, come up with things and then you have to look at your phone beforehand before you get in this moment. You're not allowed to open your phone at this point, but have that in your mind. But, yes, it's a beautiful way to express gratitude and praise to one another, to hear that. You know how good you feel when you hear your spouse offer gratitude or praise for you. And again, it's. It's not just those surface level things, it's deeper. Yeah, that's Powerful in your merit.
Speaker 1:
It will change your perspective on your spouse and it will also change the the how Secure you begin to feel in the relationship, right and connected you feel right, so that's our, the second part step two and then we end with step three, which step three is to pray with and For each other.
Speaker 1:
Right, so the beauty of this is that if you've done step one well, then you know exactly what you need to be praying for right you understand what it, what are your spouses concerns, what are their fears, what are their needs, what are their goals, what are their dreams.
Speaker 1:
So you know exactly what to be praying for as a couple, and and For each other. Now. This is not like a generic prayer Thank you for the food, thank you, or, you know? Please be with the sick among us and bless the troops on foreign soil right.
Speaker 2:
All right, don't be.
Speaker 1:
Don't be praying for anybody and everybody you can pray for a 40 minute exhaustive prayer for everything that you can possibly think of. This is prayer specifically for your marriage, yes, and specifically about the challenges that you're facing individually For each other and the challenges About those specific concerns for each of you, the challenges that you face in your marriage that you face individually.
Speaker 2:
It's, it's about your marriage right, and I would say it's important to also see that there is so much Beauty to each of you taking advantage of this opportunity, each of you opening your hearts in front of your spouse before the throne of God. It is powerful to hear your spouse bring you Before the throne of God, and so for both of you to have that opportunity, I think is is important, that's a vital part of this in the privacy of your bedroom, with just the two of you, to be able to approach the throne of God about your marriage and about one another. That's that's intimacy building.
Speaker 1:
You know the deepest level, deepest way, so it will be impactful and so don't skip that part of this daily check-in. It's absolutely crucial and vital.
Speaker 2:
And and that's how you end your daily check-in. So it's not three, it's not hard, not hard.
Speaker 1:
Three steps meaningful conversation, gratitude and praise For each other.
Speaker 2:
And then that prayer with and for each other Bringing concerns to God our boring name implies that it should be happening daily, and we would say to you that that is best practice. Oh, for sure you can do, even if you say okay for two weeks.
Speaker 1:
Mm-hmm.
Speaker 2:
We're doing this daily as we form this habit. You may not be able to keep it up every single day, but we would strongly encourage that when you first start this, you start with that.
Speaker 1:
But look, even if you could do it once or twice a week, absolutely, you will still be making a profound impact. Make it a Sunday morning routine or a Saturday morning routine and get into that habit and schedule it and make it something that is just unavoidable, something that is mandatory that you must do. Put it in pen on your calendar. Or make it mandatory on the nights that you're not having sex.
Speaker 2:
Yeah, I mean this is what better way to build intimacy than your sex should be. Building intimacy, it should be connecting you every single time, but on the nights, when you're not connecting in that way, this is a beautiful way to be connecting. I mean you can do this on the nights that you have sex too.
Speaker 1:
You can't Just from a time constraint, a weeknights, you might not have a lot of this time to really pour into having meaningful sex and having meaningful conversation and all those things. So if you got to alternate, alternator, whatever it might be, but make it a regular practice. If you can do it daily, that's great. If you can't do it daily, make it regularly mandatory to do.
Speaker 2:
Right, and I think one of the things that we often hear, especially really from maybe a couple who's not used to talking to one another on a deeper level, especially regularly, or from one of the spouses who's just not by nature the talker, is this idea of, well, I don't know what to talk about. I mean, we already said, talk about how you feel about the events of your day. But if that doesn't feel deep enough or really kind of where you want to go, another great idea is use this time to use a conversation starter card, and so we've referred before to ultimate intimacy and Gottman card decks. We'll put links in our show notes, but both of those both of those have a great set of conversations starter cards that cover all different realms of intimacy. So pull out one. You know that's just only time to do one card and you may not even have a full conversation, but there's a great way to use conversation starter cards.
Speaker 1:
Absolutely. And those conversations where you get into and you can't finish. Well, that's where you write this down. You say we're going to revisit this on date night when we can really get into it, or tonight maybe, maybe the or yeah, continue the conversation.
Speaker 2:
But and I think the other thing is, it's important to recognize the power of adding in a little bit of physical touch, physical intimacy, into this. You know, hold hands with one another, cuddle before, during or after. Doing this, like you know, connect your bodies together, and it doesn't have to be overtly sexual. No right, it can absolute. This should be a place where you're really connecting with one another, and so you know that physical touch can be really important during during this conversation.
Speaker 1:
Absolutely, or add a 30 second kiss.
Speaker 2:
And we're going to have more about that idea in a future episode.
Speaker 1:
We are. That's definitely on the books. So that's a whole another episode in of itself, this regular kissing practice. So we're going to, we're going to touch on that.
Speaker 2:
We're doing some research for you all. We're applying this in our marriage and then we're going to report back to you.
Speaker 1:
Love that.
Speaker 2:
All right, matt, short and sweet, give us our wrap up.
Speaker 1:
Wrap up in one sentence If you want to guarantee a more connected and intimate marriage, start a daily practice of meaningful conversation, expressing gratitude and praise, and praying together.
Speaker 2:
Now it's time to grab your spouse in your Bible and head to your kitchen table to start the daily ritual of connecting and building intimacy.
Speaker 1:
We would love to hear your feedback. Contact us by emailing podcast at intimate covenantcom or to submit an anonymous feedback form with with your questions. Go to intimate covenantcom slash podcast and click on the button contact the podcast for this anonymous submission form. Thanks again to Derek and Open Door Financial Advisors for sponsoring the podcast. Contact Open Door at opendoorf? Acom. Where faith meets, finances meet faith and family. A lot of letter F there.
Speaker 2:
Thanks to all of you for listening, subscribing, rating and sharing the podcast. We're truly humbled by all your encouragement and your support, and thanks especially to our Patreon subscribers for coming alongside us in a very real way. We love you. If you would like to join intimate covenant by supporting the podcast and our greater mission to share God's plan for intimate marriages and holy sexuality, subscribe at patreoncom. Slash intimate covenant.
Speaker 1:
Merry Christmas. Thanks for joining us for this shortened and practical episode. Until next time, keep striving and don't settle.