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Intimate Covenant Podcast
Intimate Covenant Podcast
7 Shocking Results From Viral Relationship Tests [164]
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In this episode, Matt & Jenn discuss some of the latest TikTok relationship tests and whether there is something we can learn about our marriages from these viral trends.
- If you really want to test your relationship, pick up a mirror rather than a microscope. Only you can change you.
- “Turn towards” rather than “turning away” from your spouse by making and receiving bids for connection.
- Whether your prior rejections have been intentional or unintentional, challenge yourself to see and lean into those bids for connection from your spouse.
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Matt & Jenn
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Intimate Covenant | Matt & Jenn Schmidt
Hey, Jen want to take a TikTok relationship test.
Speaker 2Uh, that's a test you are certain to fail Great.
Speaker 1Today on the podcast, we're talking about what you might actually learn about your relationship if you take the latest viral relationship tests. Let's do it. Welcome friends.
Speaker 2Welcome. We're Matt and Jen, and this is the Intimate Covenant podcast where we believe the Bible and great married sex belong on your kitchen table.
Speaker 1Have you ever said the tagline before?
Speaker 2Not publicly, but there's a first for everything.
Speaker 1We are talking about godly marriage with hot sex and emotionally fulfilling oneness. This is, as Jen announced, the Intimate Covenant podcast. Thanks for joining us.
Speaker 2Thanks for being here.
Speaker 1If you're looking for more information about Intimate Covenant. If this is your first time to the podcast, welcome Thank you for being here. You can find out more about Intimate Covenant and Matt and Jen. That's us at our website, intimatecovenantcom, and, as always, we invite your participation and your feedback to the podcast. If there's something you'd like us to cover, if there's something that we get wrong or right, let us know. Podcast at IntimateCovenantcom. So if you're on social media at all, you've probably seen the viral relationship tests and I am not on a lot of social media, but I did get into this a little bit.
Speaker 2You dug, you dug into it, you dug into the relationship test.
Speaker 1I found all kinds of relationship tests on TikTok and other social media platforms, including the water test, the strawberry test, the David Beckham test, the forest test and the moon phase test.
Speaker 2Oh my, maybe you have heard of some of these, maybe you've even taken some of these tests, or perhaps you've challenged your spouse with some of these.
Speaker 1Yes, more likely, you've challenged your spouse with some of these. I'm just going to burst everyone's bubble right now. You won't be surprised to find out that most of these tests are as reliable and as helpful as the. What, disney, princess, are you tests?
Speaker 2What did you take that test?
Speaker 1Never taken that test. I've also never been sorted into a Harry.
Speaker 2Potter. You don't even know the name. I don't even know what that means. Yeah, it's probably not very reliable when it comes to the health of your relationship, but is there something that we could learn from some of these social media trends? That's the question.
Speaker 1That's the question and another question we're going to answer. Are Matt and Jen too old to be talking about viral TikTok trends?
Speaker 2Considering I've never actually gone on to TikTok, the answer is probably yes, probably yes.
Speaker 1But before we get into the meat of the episode, we certainly want to make a couple of announcements. First of all, as we continue to announce, the retreat is happening.
Speaker 2Yes, our annual marriage retreat. This year it's happening September 19th through the 21st. That's held here in the Houston area, northwest Houston area, and right outside of the woodlands Houston area, northwest Houston area and right outside of the woodlands, and we do have a few, as in a small handful of spots remaining. So if you are at all on the fence you're considering coming, we can still take you, but the clock's ticking.
Speaker 1The clock is definitely ticking and we certainly want you there, so please register if you want to come. You can reserve your spot for just $200 deposit and pay the rest down the road. But definitely get on that if you want to join. We are running out of room.
Speaker 2Where do they go to join Matt or to get more information?
Speaker 1Yes, of course, IntimateCovenantcom slash retreat.
Speaker 2There it is.
Speaker 1That'll get you all the information. If you just want more information, you want to learn more about what to expect, go there or just email us. We'll be glad to talk to you about it.
Speaker 2Yes. The other thing we want to announce is that we have once again been honored, been asked to participate in the Dating Divas Marriage Bundle. This is our Participate in the Dating Divas.
Speaker 1Marriage Bundle.
Speaker 2This is our third, third year, third year, third year to be contributors to the Dating Divas Marriage Bundle. If you've been with us at all, then you've heard us talk about this the past two years. But Dating Divas is a great website. Just in general provides a lot of amazing resources. Great resources to help keep the fun in your marriage. Yes, but they once a year put together a marriage bundle. They invite lots of different contributors to contribute, all sorts of contributors who are much more fun than we are much smarter than we are, but somehow we get lumped into that and we're honored to be asked to contribute to that bundle.
Speaker 1But they put together a bundle of resources that's worth easily over $400. And they sell it all for like 20 bucks.
Speaker 2It's going to be cheap. That will go live on June 17th this year. We have contributed a brand new e-course that we have put together. Yes, drum roll, yes.
Speaker 1A brand new e-course that we put together yes, drum roll, yes. A brand new e-course. We are calling this e-course Make Better Connections. Understand what your spouse needs and why you sometimes miss.
Speaker 2So it's worth the cost of the marriage bundle just to get our e-course. How do you like that?
Speaker 1I mean we would think so, but it's a nice little course, including some conversation starters, for you and your spouse to really kind of dig deep into sometimes the conflict that you're having and why you're having the conflicts and how to reframe those conflicts into an opportunity for growth.
Speaker 2And speaking of e-course the e-ourse we created for last year's marriage bundle it is for sale on our website. We have not done a very good job of promoting that, but if you're curious about what we mean when we say an eCourse, go to our website and you can find it there. That one was titled.
Speaker 1What Does Sex Mean to my Spouse, that's the one yeah Uh also, yeah, also, hopefully, I think, pretty insightful and again, it is a tool to help generate some very helpful conversations, maybe some conversations you, I would expect, some conversations you maybe have never had with your spouse. Um, so that again worth it its weight in gold when you have those conversations with your spouse that you've never had before.
Speaker 2So all of that can be is available on our website instrumentcovenantcom. All right, matt, let's get into today's episode.
Speaker 1So viral TikTok videos and relationship tests let's be clear. Relationship tests. Let's be clear Most of these relationship tests are bogus attempts to evaluate your spouse's loyalty and or devotedness. They are motivated almost entirely by jealousy and selfishness and fear.
Speaker 2At least, that's what they prey on, and the results are baseless and truly unhelpful yeah, they're pretty much nothing but clickbait and I think most people know that and yet it's pretty tempting sometimes to click on them, right sure I mean.
Speaker 1That said, a lot of us do those kind of things out of fun and we don't put a lot of stock in the results, but I think it's important to clarify from the beginning that we're not promoting these but I do think I mean I kind of dug into this probably more than I should have, because it was becoming great research for this podcast, Matt, including viral tick. No, it was, it wasn't ours. Thanks for the research media. No, it was, it wasn't hours thanks for the research, yeah but it wasn't ours.
Speaker 1But it was fun and interesting and I just have to share some of these with you guys because you guys are maybe are younger than us and maybe, on social media, more than us, maybe you're the target audience for these things, but I wanted to share some of these because I just thought they were so crazy. I could not believe where they come up with this stuff. So one of the relationship tests I came across is called the strawberry test.
Speaker 2Okay, I like a strawberry.
Speaker 1Well then, you're going to fail this test. Oh no, the strawberry test is a series of four questions which are supposedly and I I emphasize the word supposedly, uh, a psychological evaluation of your spouse's loyalty.
Speaker 2So all from a strawberry, okay, yeah.
Speaker 1So you ask your spouse these four questions. The first one is you're on a walk and you spot a field of strawberries, You're hungry and only a fence stands between you and the berries. How high is the fence?
Speaker 2what I'm supposed to just tell you what I don't answer this question, not live, at least you.
Speaker 1Number two. You go into a field and start to steal the berries. How many?
Speaker 2do you eat okay?
Speaker 1suddenly the farmer appears and starts yelling. What do you say in your defense?
Speaker 2Okay.
Speaker 1After the situation is over how did the berries taste and how did you feel about stealing them?
Speaker 2Oh my, and all of these questions are evaluating our marriage.
Speaker 1Yes, because guess what? The height of the fence symbolizes your level of self-control, preventing you from cheating. Oh goodness, yeah, don't answer these questions. Oh goodness, yeah, don't answer these questions. The number of strawberries is supposedly the number of people that you could love at the same time. Oh my, your defense to the farmer is the excuse you would use to cheat on your partner, and the way you felt after the whole ordeal is over, uh, is how you'd feel when you think back on an affair wow pretty neat okay that's pretty ridiculous yes, uh, so, yeah.
Speaker 1So, jen, how many strawberries would you eat? I'm not gonna answer that now you see, I don't even like strawberries, so what does that even say about me?
Speaker 2I think you passed Better than me, I guess, but yeah, the correlations here are just mind-blowing Strawberry test.
Speaker 1So another one is called the forest test. All right, so the forest test is another quote, deeply psychological set of questions asking your spouse to envision themselves in a forest.
Speaker 2Okay.
Speaker 1Number one. What is the first animal you see?
Speaker 2I'm too afraid to answer Number two what is the second animal you see?
Speaker 1You're walking in a forest and then you see a hut. Do you bypass it, knock before going in or just crash it? You see a jug. How much water is in it? Half full or none?
Speaker 2Goodness, that's a busy forest.
Speaker 1Yes, so, again, the deeply psychological questions can be analyzed supposedly, apparently allegedly and the first animal is supposed to represent yourself, all right, whatever the second animal represents your spouse, yourself, whatever the second animal represents your spouse, and they have different meetings for all the different forest animals and what that says about you and your spouse.
Speaker 2Oh yeah, you get the decoder ring.
Speaker 1I guess the hut represents their level of commitment to the relationship. Oh, like how, how aggressively would you enter the?
Speaker 2hut, oh, and what happens if I pass it?
Speaker 1Yeah, exactly. And then the jug represents how much love you feel in the moment.
Speaker 2Oh.
Speaker 1Half full or half empty. Babe, that jug was full.
Speaker 2Yeah.
Speaker 1Okay, so again Forest test. I mean, you can see why these tests are so popular because they just feel so deeply insightful and structured in a way that you just get such true, honest feedback.
Speaker 2I am clearly not the targeted audience, if that's what I'm supposed to be feeling.
Speaker 1Yeah, same. Then finally, and there's many more, but there's just one more that's still good, okay, it's called the moon phase test.
Speaker 2Okay, tick tock, even like integrated an app to help people take this moon oh no, you know, that's where the hackers exist, honey, when you click on the app.
Speaker 1Yeah, that's how the russians are going to get us, or chinese, I guess. Um, so here's the thing. You're supposed to look up the phase of the moon when you and your spouse were born, oh, when you each were born, obviously, unless you're born the same day. But the phase of the moon I bet that says something.
Speaker 2And when your spouse very good or very bad, yes, okay, well here you go.
Speaker 1So the closer these phases align uh-huh, the more likely it is that you're going to be soulmates. Oh, so I'm soul. I looked this up for us. Good, I couldn't resist.
Speaker 2Okay.
Speaker 1Turns out, our moon phases are exactly one week out of alignment.
Speaker 2Oh, is that bad or good? I?
Speaker 1don't know what that means. Jen was born under a full moon. Oh, did you know that about yourself?
Speaker 2What is that?
Speaker 1Does that say anything about you? No, I don't think it does Okay about you.
Speaker 2no, I don't think it does okay, uh, I was born during a waxing gibbous, oh, just before the third quarter. Yeah, you lost me okay.
Speaker 1Interestingly, though, I have no idea what this means about us. Okay, it means that we're one quarter out of phase with each other well does that describe our relationship in general? Oh, next time there's, I'll remind you of the moon We'll have to see what the I don't know what is the moon phase right now?
Speaker 2So Matt, this has been riveting content so far. Where are we going with this one?
Speaker 1Fun, true, but obviously ridiculous. I mean it's it is not hard to imagine why these kinds of things go crazy on the internet, though I don't know hard to imagine why these kinds of things go crazy on the internet though, because, no, I I think because they appeal to our desire, as human beings, to oversimplify very complicated dynamics right Now you're getting, we are desperate, I think, for both security and drama at the same time, and that's exactly where the these things come into play.
Speaker 1I will say, however, there are two tests, and this is really what kind of triggered for me the whole deep dive into relationship tests is. There are, in fact, two tests that caught my attention because I think, at least on some small level, they might actually have something to do with reality.
Speaker 2Yeah, I remember when you came across at least one of these tests and you started explaining it to me and I was like well, that sounds like a podcast. Yeah, exactly so so here we are. Are you curious what the test Are?
Speaker 1you curious which ones? Well, it's not the forest test or the moon phase test, strawberries.
Relationship Tests
Speaker 2Okay.
Speaker 1But it does have to do with fruit.
Speaker 2It does.
Speaker 1It is the orange peel test. Maybe you've heard of it, maybe not, but here's the test. Is you, out of nowhere, ask your spouse to peel an orange for you? Just randomly, randomly.
Speaker 2Has nothing to do with anything that's happening in the moment, will you?
Speaker 1peel an orange for me, yes. The test is supposedly that if your spouse does that for you willingly, that suggests that your relationship is on solid ground. Okay, the reasoning is, at least according to the expert social media influencers.
Speaker 2Oh yeah, they're the experts.
Speaker 1Is that if your spouse is willing to do small, meaningless and inconvenient tasks for you, then they must be truly invested in you and in the relationship. Oh, okay, and the second test, the second one has nothing to do with fruit, but it does have to do with birds. Oh, you like birds, I do like birds.
Speaker 2This is what appealed to you.
Speaker 1It's at least what caught my eye initially, that this was about birds.
Speaker 1By the way, this bird test he's about to describe is like my everyday life, so I'm already past the bird test, that's probably true, okay, but at least as it is described, at least as I saw it described in the social media realms the bird test, the tickety-tock yes, the bird test is when you stand at a window, your spouse is in the same room, but they are not occupying the same close location. Right, you're standing in the room together and you are staring out the window and you point out a bird that you see, that is outside.
Speaker 2Are you supposed to find an actual bird, or do you lie and pretend like?
Speaker 1that. Well, you're going to have to deal with your own conscious on this.
Speaker 2Okay, you're stressing me out. Okay, yes, you point out a bird, point out a bird. And then what?
Speaker 1And if your spouse responds with any degree of interest, like, oh honey, where or what kind of bird would that be, hon? What does that look like? Or how did you learn so much about birds? Whatever, If your spouse responds with some degree of interest, then there is a good chance that your relationship is on solid ground, according to the internet relationship experts, of course.
Speaker 2There's a lot of them, all right, but of all the crazy viral relationship tests that you've come across, there might be a little bit of validity to these last two that you just mentioned.
Speaker 1I feel like these last two are at least loosely based on some actual real science and some sound reasoning.
Speaker 2So we're going to go there and if you are still listening, if you've stuck around, maybe we're going to provide you some actual content here.
Speaker 1Okay, let's dig into this in a little bit more serious nature, or at least in a more practical and helpful nature. When I refer to science, you can't refer to relationship science without referring to really the pioneers of more modern relationship research, and that is John and Julie Gottman of the Gottman Institute. They wrote a fantastic. They've written several, many, many books. One book that we can unequivocally recommend is called the Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work.
Speaker 1You haven't read that book. You ought to. It's very helpful, very insightful and based on really their literal decades of research, studying literally hundreds of married couples of research studying literally hundreds of married couples. But one of the most important concepts from their research that they have determined over the many, many hours of examining and watching couples, one of the most important concepts in determining the long-term success of a marriage is this idea of receiving and bidding for connection. They use phrases like turning towards or turning away from your spouse and again, the Gottmans have been doing this for a very long time and they use phrases like making bids for connection or turning towards your spouse. This is all about extending offers for connection to your spouse. So one of you is throwing out these bids for connection, such as hey, there's a bird outside.
Speaker 1There, you go, it's a bid for connection.
Speaker 2So physically this can look like a kiss or an offer for a hug or snuggle or a pat on the back, like a purposeful touching of your spouse. And it's also verbal. It can look like an offer for a conversation like how was your day? Or what are you thinking, or look at this bird right. It is expressing a desire to connect, whether that's physical or verbal.
Speaker 1Yeah, absolutely. And specifically in some of their research they published in one long-term study that they did of newlyweds. So they took dozens, literally did of newlyweds. So they took dozens, literally of newlyweds. They studied them and then six years later they did some follow-up, like who is still around, who is still together, who is happily married, who's divorced, who's not happily married. And after the six years what they found is the couples that stayed married to each other were the couples who initially were turning toward one another. An average of 86% of the time. So 86% of the time when one couple made a bid for connection, the other couple responded positively to that bid for connection. Couples that divorced six years later averaged only 33% of the time.
Speaker 2Which, when you put it in the terms of percentages like that, it makes you think what would be the percentage in my marriage?
Speaker 1that's exactly what I'm getting at like. What does that look like in my, in my marriage? Am I hearing, am I responding to in a positive way my partners, my spouses, bids for my connection? Am I doing that nine out of ten times or am I ignoring some of those? Right am I only responding to 33%? Am I only responding three out of 10 times?
Speaker 2Right, because what the Gottman's found is that successful couples turn towards each other far more often than not. And by turning toward one another that means that you acknowledge and engage that bid for connection. You don't just ignore it, you don't just let it drop, that you actually acknowledge it. And again, whether that's physically or verbally, yeah, absolutely.
Speaker 1And spouses? The other part of this relationship or this research, is that spouses in successful marriages frequently make bids for connection and they frequently respond to their partner's bids.
Speaker 2So they're doing both sides of the work. They're doing the pursuing and the responding, and they're exactly, and they're doing it frequently.
Speaker 1They're not just going three weeks before they engage a conversation with each other.
Speaker 2These spouses are interested in each other and frequently engaging with one another. That's what the Gottman's found makes for a successful couple.
Speaker 1Exactly, so we can say, I think, with at least some validity, that, based on the Gottman's research, there is at least some truthfulness or something that is true about the bird test and the orange peel test, at least on some superficial level, because in each of those tests, you are supposedly gauging your partner's willingness to respond to a bid for connection, and that's what's being tested there Now. Is a? Is a bird and an orange peel the best way to assess your partner's interest in you? That's maybe another conversation, but at least it invites some conversation. It invites some important conversations, I think, about the value of making these frequent small connections in our relationships.
Speaker 1It's not about the one big thing that you did for your spouse this week. It's about making those frequent bids, and by hearing, and also hearing and responding to their bids for connections. So what I would suggest, though rather than using these 10, rather than stopping the podcast right now, and like going and testing your spouse, rather than using these tests, rather than stopping the podcast right now, and like going and testing your spouse, rather than using these tests to gauge the strength of your relationship, I would suggest that these general concepts are best used to challenge my own personal behaviors and attitudes.
Speaker 2Yeah.
Speaker 1I need to be testing myself.
Speaker 2Yes, and that's where we flip this on its head Right. So in other words, these tests make a better mirror than a microscope. Don't use these tests to accuse your spouse. Instead, use these tests to, frankly, prick your own heart. Right Now. That's a lot harder.
Speaker 1There's a reason why that's not on TikTok. It's much easier to it's not TikTok, I can't do that?
Speaker 2No, not.
Speaker 1TikToks, that's breath mints TikTok. But if you're only accusing your spouse, you stand a very good chance of simply causing further division. If you're using these tests to just trip your spouse up or catch them in some kind of guiltiness or whatever it might be, you're only promoting division in that relationship rather than in healing. So we know this right, we all know and we preach this all the time. Practically speaking, you can only change yourself right right.
Speaker 1So these kinds of tests that focus on my spouse's shortcomings are rarely helpful, and they never realistically assess the nuances of your own relationship dynamic. They only tell you about oranges and about birds. They don't tell you a lot more about what's actually happening in your relationship, because relationships are just they're just far more complicated than just a single narrow moment in time. Right, and so your spouse deserves a little bit more benefit of the doubt than that. They may not be able to peel an orange, or they may just simply hate birds. They love you, but they may hate birds. So you know there's too many variables that these tests don't account for.
Speaker 2Well, and so I think, instead, a better test is one that examines your own self inwardly. So the question is not how would my spouse respond, but how would I respond Exactly, it's not how would my spouse respond, but how would I respond.
Speaker 1Exactly.
Speaker 2If my spouse tried to interrupt my personal time with a comment about a bird?
Speaker 1in our backyard? Absolutely. How would my spouse respond? Sorry, how would I respond to my spouse's request to peel an orange for them? I mean, like, what if they asked me right as I was sitting down on the couch to watch the game? What if they asked me to peel an orange or go to the window to look at a bird, right as I was in the middle of my favorite Netflix show? Would I be willing to stop what I was doing in order to see to their interests and respond to their bid for connection it?
Speaker 2might be easy to you know, cast it aside like, well, that's a. That would just be so stupid to be called to the window to look at a bird or be asked to peel an orange. But you know, beside that, think about this more deeply. What does it look like to turn toward or turn away from my spouse? How often do I do both of those?
Speaker 1Right.
Speaker 2And how can I do a better job of maximizing positive responses that then ultimately help build a solid relationship and intimacy in my marriage?
Speaker 1Right, and I think one place this conversation maybe should go is to recognize that I may be rejecting my spouse more often than I even realize, because sometimes rejection is unintentional. Sometimes I just simply reject a bid without even realizing that's what I've done.
Speaker 2Right.
Speaker 1And sometimes I do that because I'm just simply not speaking the same language that they're speaking, right? We've you've probably heard of the five love languages and a lot, of, a lot of hysteria was made of that book when it came out several years ago. Hysteria was made of that book when it came out several years ago, and the concepts are true, probably to some extent, that we, we um feel and express love differently than others, each of us individually, and that's especially true of spouses. Some of us connect best with words, some of us connect best with actions. Some of us want to connect with words or conversation or touch or sex, or some of us just simply deeply appreciate acts of service. There's a lot of ways that we relate to each other. There's a lot of ways that we feel love and that we express love.
Speaker 2And sometimes we are rejecting our spouse unintentionally, because they're expressing their love in a way that I'm just not as naturally inclined to, and so I'm missing the fact that they are putting out that bid for connection in a different language, if you will, than what I'm drawn to.
Importance of Responding to Spouse's Bids
Speaker 1Absolutely and absolutely. And you know a lot. A lot of times we unintentionally reject our spouse because we just don't appreciate the importance of the language that my spouse is using right they're trying to initiate connection in a place and I just don't really feel like it's that important.
Speaker 1How could it it be that important? I mean, if your spouse initiates a conversation, even if it's about birds or honeybees, they're trying to share something with you that is far more important in that moment than just some specific, boring piece of information. They're trying to build connection with that. They're trying to connect with you on some level and often we just don't realize that it's. We don't think, we don't appreciate.
Speaker 2We don't value that moment of you know them seeking connection. I mean a quick kiss or a simple, you know touch, a request for a touch that might seem really insignificant.
Speaker 1Or even inconvenient, exactly.
Speaker 2But to my spouse it probably means much more. I mean, if they've initiated, that alone tells me this means something for them and therefore it's important to them and I need to make it important to me.
Speaker 1Yeah, for sure, for sure. You know, I don't need to become a professional ornithologist.
Speaker 2Oh good.
Speaker 1That's a someone who studies birds, right. If my spouse wants to talk about birds, I don't have to become a professional in that. I just simply need to engage in that simple moment of their joy when they saw that painted bunting at the bird feeder.
Speaker 2That would make your day, wouldn't it?
Speaker 1That would be pretty amazing.
Speaker 2In reality, it's not much investment to really celebrate my spouse's interest. It's not much investment. It doesn't require that much to lean into a quick hug or a kiss. And yet, most of the time time, how do we respond to that? You know, I think we've got to stop and recognize what are we doing with our spouses yeah, it's for connection.
Speaker 1And if I really viewed it in the sense that you, you know I'm rejecting my spouse, I probably would take it more seriously right, and we don't think of it, though, as being that serious. I'm not doing it on purpose, but often I just have to step outside of my own world and step outside of my own interests so that I can see my spouse better. I need to retrain myself to hear their bids for connection and make that little bit of extra effort to connect in that moment.
Speaker 2Yeah, so sometimes those rejections are unintentional.
Speaker 1We're just not recognizing the importance of those moments, but probably for most of us.
Speaker 2most of the time they're unintentional, and I think that's probably where most of us have the most work to do right, but sometimes, though, rejection is intentional and that's the darker side of ourselves that sometimes we don't really want to confront or or acknowledge yeah, if you stop and think about you know my spouse asking me to peel an orange, it maybe says something. If my first answer is what? Why that's?
Speaker 1stupid.
Speaker 2That's so stupid. You're more than capable of doing that. Why would you want me to do that? That hurts, right. It hurts to think about what's my reaction. And is my rejection to that bid for connection actually intentional.
Speaker 1Oh yeah, I mean, we hear the request, we see the invitation, we understand what it means to them, we know what our spouse is asking for and what they want, what they desire, sometimes what they need, and yet we avoid the eye contact, we ignore the need, we dismiss the conversation with just a flat one-word response. These kinds of rejections are entirely due to a self-centered mindset. Right, I mean to be to be fair, that even the most generous person like Jen has some periods of self-focus. Some of us are just simply more selfish than others, right, but I would encourage all of us to take some moments to reflect on what are the ways that my spouse is reaching out to me. How do they like to initiate connection with me?
Speaker 2And am I missing opportunities to connect? And why? Why am I missing those bits? How can I do a better job of seeing those bids?
Speaker 1Yeah, absolutely. I mean, what are some ways I can do a better job? What are some better ways that I can better respond to my spouse to make them feel more connected and more validated? What is keeping me from being able to catch their bids for connection?
Speaker 2Well, yeah, I mean, that alone is a great question. Is it that I'm too busy with work, too busy with kids, too busy with other responsibilities? Is it that I just I view myself as too busy because I haven't prioritized making those connections?
Speaker 1I'm just distracted by too many other things. Uh, am I? And another part of this? Again, everything is way more nuanced than an orange peel. Um, am I bitter against my spouse due to past conflicts or due to the fact that I feel like they've been rejecting my bids, right, and so I'm holding myself back to avoid engaging with them? Um, in any way? So there's lots of reasons why we do these things. We are not always as altruistic as we would like to believe that we might be.
Speaker 2Often, we have some sinister motives but I think it's so healthy for us to stop and think how many bids am I missing, both intentionally and unintentionally? And it's interesting to me that the Gottman's research wasn't really about missing the in. You know, intentionally missing versus unintentionally missing. It was just about missing the bids or catching the bids, whether that's intentional or unintentional. So even that unintentional miss of a bid can have a really negative effect. Therefore I need to prioritize watching for when my spouse makes that bid for connection.
Speaker 1Yeah, absolutely Absolutely. So let's talk about just some practical ways to turn towards your spouse.
Speaker 2Yeah.
Speaker 1What are some ways that we can better do a better job, some practical ways to really put this into practice in our own response, and I kind of alluded to one of these earlier, and that is when your spouse asks you a question, a one word response is almost never sufficient to get where they're going. It's never, it's never helpful, it's never connecting, at the very least it's never going to build relationship. If your spouse asks you how was your day and you say fine, yeah. No connection happened there.
Speaker 2I mean we all understand, like when you get a fine like that, it doesn't make you feel anything right Warm or fuzzy, especially. I mean you didn't learn anything.
Turning Towards Your Spouse Through Connection
Speaker 1Right. Or your spouse tells you something that happened today, like you know little Johnny, you know little johnny, I don't know, did something, uh, today, and your response is huh yeah, cool, that again no connection was made there. Instead, you could instead of a one-word response, you could say tell me more about that, or how did that make you feel, or what was your favorite part of your day. Those kinds of open-ended responses now lead to a chance for both of you to share something in that moment Share words, share experiences, share feelings, share emotion. And that is how you build connection.
Speaker 2Right, and another, I think, way to turn towards one another, and you talk about sharing is sharing eye contact. Oh good, make eye contact and make eye contact. Often, eye contact is incredibly vulnerable, um, and we've talked about that before on a previous podcast there's a whole episode on it.
Speaker 1We did?
Speaker 2we did, but I thought it was. I mean, as we were preparing that episode, I remember thinking, oh, he's making eye contact with me way more than normal and I don't know what to do with that. It is very vulnerable and we recognize that when you're upset at someone, even subtly, that's one of the first physical signs. You just don't really want to make that eye contact. So turn towards your spouse by making yourself make eye contact with them.
Speaker 1Right. Another great way to make more connections and turn toward your spouse is to turn everything else off, right? Turn off your phone, put it down, turn off the TV show, turn off the ball game, turn off the laundry, even turn off the things that are distracting you from being able to connect and hear your spouse.
Speaker 2Well, and that's all about priorities right. Yeah, and literally turn toward, turn toward your spouse. Body language says everything. Yep, be willing to actually face your spouse. Actually occupy the same space.
Speaker 1Yeah Say, put yourself in close proximity, right? It's much easier to connect if you're both sitting beside each other on the couch or you're sitting beside each other at the table, rather than across the room from each other or in separate rooms, right? You can't hear bids for connection. You can't make bids for connection if you're not in proximity, right? Another one is find some small tasks to do for your spouse. Yeah, particularly if your spouse is just someone who is always giving and doing for you. Guess what? That's probably how they're trying to tell you that they love you, how they're trying to tell you that they love you, and that's also how they will feel love and be appreciated. Feel appreciated is if you do some things for them.
Speaker 2Yeah, when your spouse asks for a favor, do it right away. Stop saying just a minute if you don't actually have to. Would it really actually hurt you to not catch that play in the game so that you can help your spouse with whatever that they're asking?
Speaker 1you don't have to finish the viral relationship test before you help your spouse. You'd be better connected if you didn't right right, right.
Speaker 2I think another great way to turn towards your spouse is be willing to. You know, we talked about engaging with one another physically, but don't be the first to pull away from a kiss or a hug. That's a big one. They say this is actually really really good with your kids. Don't be the one to first pull away, but if it's good for your kids, it's even better for your kids. Don't be the one to first pull away, but if it's good for your kids, it's even better for your marriage.
Speaker 1I will tell you, many of your relationships will improve if you stop being the first one to pull away. You will experience something different in those moments and in those connections. Now, if you're both playing that game, it could take a while.
Speaker 2And now if you're both playing that game. It could take a while. You're both listening to this podcast.
Speaker 1But you know, even if it's just extending that hug or that kiss just a little bit longer, yeah. Makes a difference.
Speaker 2Yeah, and just find ways to touch more. You know we just kind of already alluded to this. But sit closer to each other, Hold hands, Touch when you pass in the house, I mean in public, stand next to one another, you know, put your hand in his arm or have him, you know, put his hand on her back. I mean just the little ways to touch. That alone builds places of connection ways to touch.
Speaker 1that alone builds places of connection. Yes, in general, it's probably helpful just to stop and think about the ways that your spouse tends to reach out to you. How do they initiate connection, for example, if your spouse is the one who's constantly connecting and asking questions of you, maybe stop and think about a couple or a small list of open-ended questions that you could ask.
Speaker 2You engage them.
Speaker 1Yeah, you engage them with some questions. Maybe just one question. If you, I'll tell you. If you, if this is the way that your spouse connects and you don't, you will blow their mind. If you just come up with one question every week and ask that question, you will blow their minds and they will be into it, I can tell you.
Speaker 2Yeah. Or if your spouse connects with physical touch, you be the one to initiate that hug, initiate that kiss. To initiate that hug, initiate that kiss, and not just in a I got to check this off my to-do list kind of way, but in a really meaningful way. Lean into it, Men. Make it last a few more seconds longer than usual.
Speaker 1Take a moment, and again, this is another way to really make those connections. But just take a moment to offer gratitude and praise for your spouse, compliment them for something that they did well today is another way to really make those connections. But just take a moment to offer gratitude and praise for your spouse, compliment them for something that they did well today, congratulate them for accomplishments, even small things, that they've accomplished today. You know, hey, you got the laundry done, or you, you made it to work on time, or you, you know, whatever it is, um, even small things, you kept the little people alive today everybody's alive at the end of the day, Right?
Speaker 1I mean thank them for something that they did for you. That is a huge way to build connection and turn toward one another. It helps you feel like you're on the same team when you're getting those compliments and that gratitude.
Speaker 2Right, I mean whether your rejections have been intentional or unintentional. We're challenging you to challenge yourself to be more open to bids for connection. Learn to turn towards, rather than turning away from your spouse in the big things, but especially in the seemingly small, especially in the seemingly small, what you might think of as insignificant ways that can be huge places for connection.
Speaker 1Life is built on these small moments. Relationships are really, for sure, built on those kinds of small moments, so it's probably no surprise that TikTok relationship tests are not valid or helpful measurements of the strength of your relationship. Right, so you can stop panicking if your spouse failed the strawberry test or the moon phase test or whatever, and I'm confident that you, our listeners, are smarter than that. Again, a better test to ask yourself is would I pass the orange peel test or the bird test? Perhaps stated more intelligently, though, am I inclined to turn toward or to turn away from my spouse? That's the real question.
Speaker 2Right. Does my spouse feel like I have a genuine interest in them and their wellbeing, or do they feel disconnected, rejected or lonely? Be brave and actually ask your spouse that question?
Speaker 1That's right. That is a good question to ask Now. We could go on and on, but what if I'm the one who's feeling rejected? Well, I would tell you if, even if that's the case and it's maybe true that you are being rejected, just like your spouse, maybe, is feeling rejected as well I'll just I would just point out to you reconnection can only happen if one of you starts moving towards the other.
Speaker 1You'll never close the gap if one of you doesn't turn around, and that might as well be you the one who turns around. Sometimes, our spouse starts to turn away because they got tired of being rejected by me, and that's another kind of place to look in the mirror. If they sense that you are turning around, though, if they sense that you are starting to try to move back towards them, that may help them be willing to start making some effort to make a move towards you as well. But if you're waiting for your spouse to put in more effort, then you are the one who is perpetuating the coldness and the resentment. Unless you are moving towards your spouse, you are contributing to the problem, and so your selfless effort to turn toward your spouse and to serve them will very often be the spark that reignites that passion and that connection, that intimacy, that fulfillment in your relationship.
Speaker 2All right, Matt, give us our wrap up.
Speaker 1If you really want to test your relationship, pick up a mirror, not a microscope. Only you can change. You Turn towards rather than turning away from your spouse by making and receiving bids for connection and, whether your prior rejections have been intentional or unintentional, challenge yourself to see and to lean into those bids for connection from your spouse.
Speaker 2Now it's time to grab your spouse and your Bible and head to your kitchen table to have the conversation about bids for connection. Ask your spouse how often they feel like you are catching or missing their bids for connection. How often do they feel like they have your full attention or not?
Connect With Intimate Covenant Podcast
Speaker 1We'd love to hear your feedback and your bird stories. Contact us by emailing podcast at intimate covenantcom or to submit anonymous feedback and questions, go to intimate covenantcom slash podcast and click the button Contact the podcast for an anonymous submission form.
Speaker 2Thanks to all of you for listening, subscribing, rating and sharing the podcast. We are truly humbled by all your encouragement and support. Thanks especially to our Patreon subscribers for coming alongside us in a very real way. If Intimate Covenant has blessed your marriage, we'd love to have you join us. Subscribe at patreoncom. Slash intimate covenant.
Speaker 1Until next time, keep striving and don't settle.