An unsettling text. Weather and traffic say the same thing: snow. If the water in your taps is turning black, Town Council says don’t panic! Do with that what you will. And finally, we have a treat for you today, listeners! Dr. Olsen is with us over the phones to chat and answer questions.
The voice of Clark Olsen is Isaac Gokarn. The voice of Emily Reicher is Emily Syratt. The voice of David Reicher is James Syratt. The voice of Sarah Lohmiller is Myla Demers. The voice of Andy Wilson is Autumn Adrian. The voice of Shauna Housely is Ashley Margaret Schinkel. The voice of today's sponsor is K.W Nelson (K.W.Nelson.VO@gmail.com, discord: yuyuhakusho6969#7685)
Nowhere On Air is created, voiced and produced by Jess Syratt. Cover art by Moon Hermit Crab on Instagram.
Have a small town story to tell you think our listeners might enjoy (that by no means has to be true)? Want to be one of our callers, or "sponsors"? Have questions about any of that, or anything, or just want to say hi?
We'd love to hear from you! Email us at nowhere.onair@gmail.com. Or, find us on twitter, @NowhereOnAir
For a little bit more info on the aforementioned "us," try visiting our website: https://nowhereonairpodcast.weebly.com/
An unsettling text. Weather and traffic say the same thing: snow. If the water in your taps is turning black, Town Council says don’t panic! Do with that what you will. And finally, we have a treat for you today, listeners! Dr. Olsen is with us over the phones to chat and answer questions.
The voice of Clark Olsen is Isaac Gokarn. The voice of Emily Reicher is Emily Syratt. The voice of David Reicher is James Syratt. The voice of Sarah Lohmiller is Myla Demers. The voice of Andy Wilson is Autumn Adrian. The voice of Shauna Housely is Ashley Margaret Schinkel. The voice of today's sponsor is K.W Nelson (K.W.Nelson.VO@gmail.com, discord: yuyuhakusho6969#7685)
Nowhere On Air is created, voiced and produced by Jess Syratt. Cover art by Moon Hermit Crab on Instagram.
Have a small town story to tell you think our listeners might enjoy (that by no means has to be true)? Want to be one of our callers, or "sponsors"? Have questions about any of that, or anything, or just want to say hi?
We'd love to hear from you! Email us at nowhere.onair@gmail.com. Or, find us on twitter, @NowhereOnAir
For a little bit more info on the aforementioned "us," try visiting our website: https://nowhereonairpodcast.weebly.com/
*INTRO MUSIC*
JESS: Welcome back, listeners! How are we all today? Me? Physically? My vitals are stable. Probably. Mentally? I need some fruit snacks. Emotionally? I’m sitting at the bottom of a well. Email us or tweet us how you’re feeling! If you need to talk, we’re here for you, and we’d always love to hear from you.
*TRANSITION*
Let's play: what’s that howling in the distance?
Could it be: A train, a dog, a man, a dogman, the wind, or something else?
Best not to think about it. Try and sleep. It’ll most likely be gone in the morning, unless it's that last one. That one we’ll have to wait until the morning to find out.
Our first story today comes from farmer Crawford, who emailed us earlier today to say that he’s certain some of his cattle have been replaced with identical imposters- [CELL PHONE CHIME]
Oh, uh, listeners- sorry, I could’ve sworn my phone was silenced before we started, let me just… Wait. (beat) This is… spooky, for a lack of better words. Deeply unsettling, strangely sinister, and spin-tinglingly off, for use of better words.
I’ve just been texted of a photo of, well, me. Sitting where I am right now, at my desk. Wearing the clothes I’m wearing now, the same coffee mug- it’s me. The ‘here and now’ me.
The number is not one I recognize, and seems much too long and contains too many strange symbols to be a- an actual phone number.
And this picture.
It’s taken from… from behind me and just off to the right. I turn and there’s no one standing there.
Martha- this isn’t a prank, is it? You didn’t see anyone come in, or… no? Promise? Pinky promise?
Okay. Well.
*TRANSITION*
Traffic and weather go hand in hand today, listeners:
Look to your left; now to your right. Look at both sides of the highway, splitting a white sea in two like a concrete moses. Snow as far as your eyes can see. Vast cold nothing. It is so far and so still, isn’t it? Where has the wind gone? Where has the sky gone? Where is the divide between heaven and earth? Do you feel as though, if you veered off of the road, you might fall into it? Or out of your existence?
*TRANSITION*
If the water in your taps seems to be turning black, do not panic. Town Council reassures this is simply due to the renovations still being done on the sewage and filtration building in the river valley. That’s the name they’ve now given to the strange, industrial looking building on the other side of the river. The one that seems to be the source of those strange lights and sounds that have subsided since last we reported on them.
They haven’t released information on whether or not the water is safe to drink, or what specifically is causing this change in colour, but… I’m sure they would’ve mentioned it if it was dangerous to consume, right? Our governments, the municipal powers that be, surely care about us enough to ensure we have access to clean, safe drinking water?
Right?
*TRANSITION*
We have a real treat for you today, folks. Our new neighbour Dr. Olson is live over the phone with us today to talk to us about ways to stay healthy this winter. Dr. Olson, thank you for joining us tonight.
CLARK: Uh, thank you for having me, Jess.
JESS: Thanks for being here- well, not physically. I know the roads are pretty unsafe at the moment. Thanks for not driving.
CLARK: Thanks for… not asking me to drive.
JESS: This is a quick reminder to everyone to stay off the roads if you can. Now, Dr. Oleson, we’re at what’s usually the start of the peak of cold and flu season here in town. What tips do you have for our listeners out there on staying healthy and taking care of themselves?
CLARK: Well, uh, staying warm, getting enough rest, practise washing your hands lots to prevent the spread of germs- pretty, uh, pretty basic stuff. Remember to cover your coughs and sneezes, and I’d really encourage people to stay home if they feel under the weather.
JESS: What about wrapping yourself in a few generous layers of wool blankets and pine branches and burying yourself in the snow?
CLARK: Like, short term hibernation? Uh, no, I can’t say that’s a medically supported method... have you ever tried that?
JESS: What? Uh, no. Definitely not.
CLARK: Well I can’t say I’m familiar with that practise so, uh, medically I cannot condone or confirm that it is effective in any way whatsoever. In fact it sounds a little counterproductive.
JESS: Folks, why don’t you call in with any questions for Dr. Oleson, or share with us your go-to home remedies for when you’re feeling under the weather. Mine’s pine needle tea with a bit of honey.
CLARK: Nice and high in vitamin C.
JESS: (laughing) Yeah, don’t wanna get scurvy again.
CLARK: (laughs- then) Wait- again?
JESS: We’re going to go to a quick break with word from today’s sponsor, and we’ll take your calls right after this:
SPONSOR: Ever wake up on the wrong side of the bed? Ever wake up in the wrong bed? Ever wake up in no bed?
Wake up. Please, wake up. Can you hear us? It’s your family. You’re in a coma, you were in an accident. Please, wake up. We love you. We miss you.
Wake up.
*TRANSITION*
Thank you, Joan’s Mattress and furniture shop, for helping us pay our bills and sleep at night. You know what they say: Why buy a mattress anywhere else, we’re the ones that know all your darkest secrets.
And with that, let’s turn to the phones! Caller one, you’re live with us on 1110 AM.
EMILY: Hi.
JESS: Is this little miss Emily Reicher?
EMILY: *she giggles*
JESS: How are you sweetie? Do you have a question for Dr. Olson?
EMILY: What did you ask for for Christmas?
CLARK: *laughs a little* Oh, well, that’s a great question. It might sound like a boring grown-up thing, but I could always do with some new socks. How about you, Emily, what are you hoping to get for Christmas?
EMILY: Beartrap.
CLARK: Sorry, what?
EMILY: A beartrap.
JESS: Emily, do your parents know you’re on the phone?
EMILY: My papa’s calling.
JESS: Okay, why don’t you hand us to your papa?
EMILY: Okay.
DAVID: Hello?
JESS: Hiya David, you’re on air with Jess and Dr. Olson on 1110AM.
DAVID: Gosh- I’m sorry Jess, I had no idea she knew the number for the station.
JESS: All good, David. Merry Christmas to you and your family.
*hangs up*
JESS: Ah, that kid. Alright Dr. Olson, you ready for caller two?
CLARK: I think so.
JESS: Hiya caller, you’re on air!
SARAH: It’s Sarah! Sarah Lohmiller. I just wanted to call in a little wintertime tip!
JESS: We’re all ears! Well, not literally. That’d be interesting though.
CLARK: And physically impossible.
SARAH: Physically improbable- nothing is impossible! Anyways, I just wanted to say I keep warm and healthy through the winter by adding stinging nettles to the stuffing in my winter coats.
CLARK: Stinging nettles?
SARAH: Or thistles, whatever’s available!
CLARK: Nettles and thistles?
SARAH: I think you misheard me! Nettles or thistles.
JESS: I should try that! My coats never quite seem warm enough.
CLARK: Sorry, you stuff your coat with plants that cause pain?
SARAH: Keeps me warm, an old trick my mother taught me.
CLARK: Sounds somewhat- spartan.
JESS: And wonderfully so! Thanks for calling, Sarah! I’m sure there are some listening who will find your tip very helpful!
SARAH: Thanks Jess! Happy to share.
*hangs up*
JESS: Alright, there’s a little red light on line 2- hello caller, you're on air!
ANDY: Hi Dr. Olson, hiya Jess- it’s Andy Wilson! My question for Dr. Olson is: do you ever feel like you’re nothing more than a pile of bones and squishy bits in a potato sack?
JESS: That’s a great question!
CLARK: Well, if you were to break physical existence down into oversimplified terms, we are biological matter given life by electricity and different chemical reactions- I suppose if you were using a potato sack as, well, a metaphor for skin and tissues- and I guess if by squishy bits you mean internal organs-
JESS: I think, what the good doctor is trying to say is yes! And, that it’s a normal way to feel!
CLARK: Sure!
ANDY: Cool!
JESS: Thanks for calling Andy, you take care. Looks like we got another call waiting-- you’re live with us on air.
SHAUNA: Hey Jess, it’s Shauna.
JESS: How are you tonight, Mrs. Housley?
SHAUNA: Fine, I’m fine, thank you. I just had a question for Dr. Olson- about the crowsnest river body-
JESS: Shauna, I’m not sure-
SHAUNA: I just- I just need to know if it- if there’s any information-
CLARK: I’m sorry, Mrs. Housley, but I’m not that kind of doctor, I don’t have any sort of access or part in that sort of thing.
SHAUNA: You know nothing at all?
CLARK: All I can say is I’m sure the police are doing everything they can...
JESS: And when they are able to tell you something, they will.
SHAUNA: Right. Right.
JESS: Is there anything we can do for you at this time, Shauna?
SHAUNA: Just pray. I don’t know- just pray he comes home. I just- we need Elliot home.
JESS: Of course. We all feel the same way. We are with you, Shauna. You take care now. Well, Dr Olson. it looks like that’s all the time we scheduled for calls- thank you so much for joining us tonight.
CLARK: Thank you for having me.
JESS: Stay warm, and merry Christmas.
*hangs up*
JESS: And thank you all for your calls and questions and tips- it was lovely to hear your voices. It’s easy to feel isolated in these times, when life around us is cold and weathered, but something simple as a phone call is enough to bring some warmth back. That’s my final tip for you, folks, for staying warm. Talk to a loved one.
*TRANSITION*
So, regarding the picture.
During the break, a town council representative contacted us and announced Town Council was testing a new surveillance technology that will be used for our benefit. I asked if the technology was being developed at the waste and filtration building across the river, and the representative hung up on me after a strange, bear-like noise, so we can all make of that what we will.
I thought an explanation would make this less unsettling… and it, uh, definitely has. Thank you, Town Council, for your benevolence and your endeavours to keep us safe, with impossibly invasive surveillance systems and secret funds and connections to mysterious authorities. This is yet another tack in the cork board of weird things Martha and I definitely have not started here in the studio.
Apparently I can’t tell you more. Presumably, it isn’t safe for me to say, and it isn’t safe for people to know you know what it's not safe to say.
But Town Council says this is all to keep us safe.
It’s up to you whether or not you believe them.
*TRANSITION*
The local wildlife association is releasing beloved rescue crow “Maggie” back into the wild tomorrow upon the completion of her rehabilitation. They would like to thank all their community supporters- volunteers and donors- who keep the organization running, and help nurse creatures like Maggie back to health.
Speaking of beloved rescue animals- James just came into the room to sit at my feet. She’s look up at me with her big, beautiful eyes with a look that tells me its just about her bedtime, and I’ve been reading to her before bed. We’re working through Flannery O’Connor and she loves it so far. Anyways, all this to say, I think that’s about all we’ve got time for tonight. A final thank you to Dr. Olson for coming on air and taking calls with us tonight. And once again, thanks to those who called in, it’s always a treat talking to you, and hearing from the community.
And finally, from all of us here at the station- Martha, James, and I- Merry Christmas. In this time of love, of joy and good faith, we wish you warmth and light and health and comfort. And peace- pure and proper peace.
Thanks for tuning in.