Thank you, mystery artist, as well as the mysterious "C." You have probably noticed the lights and sounds are back, and Jess hasn't been sleeping well because of it. Plus, a colour wavelength malfunction, a look at the community bulletin, and the strange return of a community figure, and the concerning circumstances surrounding their reappearance.
CW: This episode contains slight references to kidnapping and injury.
Nowhere, On Air is created, voiced and produced by Jess Syratt. Cover art by Moon Hermit Crab on Instagram.
Have a small town story to tell you think our listeners might enjoy (that by no means has to be true)? Want to be one of our callers, or "sponsors"? Have questions about any of that, or anything, or just want to say hi?
We'd love to hear from you! Email us at nowhere.onair@gmail.com. Or, find us on twitter, @NowhereOnAir
For a little bit more info on the aforementioned "us," try visiting our website: https://nowhereonairpodcast.weebly.com/
Thank you, mystery artist, as well as the mysterious "C." You have probably noticed the lights and sounds are back, and Jess hasn't been sleeping well because of it. Plus, a colour wavelength malfunction, a look at the community bulletin, and the strange return of a community figure, and the concerning circumstances surrounding their reappearance.
CW: This episode contains slight references to kidnapping and injury.
Nowhere, On Air is created, voiced and produced by Jess Syratt. Cover art by Moon Hermit Crab on Instagram.
Have a small town story to tell you think our listeners might enjoy (that by no means has to be true)? Want to be one of our callers, or "sponsors"? Have questions about any of that, or anything, or just want to say hi?
We'd love to hear from you! Email us at nowhere.onair@gmail.com. Or, find us on twitter, @NowhereOnAir
For a little bit more info on the aforementioned "us," try visiting our website: https://nowhereonairpodcast.weebly.com/
Episode 18: Lost in the Woods
JESS: Hello there, listeners. Welcome back. It’s nice to be with you, even if I can’t see you, connected over the airwaves through our shared experience of tonight’s show.
Before we get into our broadcast today, [SHE YAWNS] Oh, man, sorry about that. Before we get into our show, we’ve got some housekeeping:
First things first: to whoever painted the mural of James on the outside of the building, thank you. Sincerely and deeply, thank you. It was such a lovely thing to see coming into work. I’m not sure how you captured her likeness so well, but seeing as she had the habit of never showing up in pictures, we didn’t have anything but the images of her in our memory to remember her by. Thank you for the gift.
Secondly, there was a manilla folder tucked under the door when Martha got to work today, addressed to all of us here at the station. It's clear whoever left it would like to maintain anonymity, as they signed it with only the initial ‘C’, so we won’t say too much about it… but, we greatly appreciate the gift. The contents are incredibly helpful, and I’d just like to say to our mystery benefactor: thank you. I’m not sure where or how you got all this… information, but thank you.
And with that-- (Turning to speak towards the booth) Wait- Martha, my hands are- are green, you didn’t put dye on anything as a prank, did you? Okay, just making sure.
Jordan is handing me a little purple sticky note, which I’m guessing isn’t actually purple cause I don’t think we buy them in purple that says within the past few minutes we’ve been getting reports from all over town saying certain colour signals are once again being sent to our brains incorrectly, so be aware of that, folks. I’m sure we all recall it's happened a few times this past week, so, like with the other times this strange, light wavelength mixup happened, there’s no need to panic. I’m sure this time, like all of the others, it will resolve itself soon enough.
However, as always, take extra caution when interacting with objects like traffic lights, jelly beans and other sweets that are colour/flavour distinct, as well as colour-distinguished salt and pepper shakers, and house paint.
*TRANSITION*
You have no doubt noticed the ethereal, coloured lights and strange noises coming from the building on the other side of the river are back, and louder than ever. You know, the building Town Council has called the waste and filtration building. The one purchased by proxy for a mysterious, unnamed corporation or organization of some sort.
The noises are low, deep, pulsing and mechanical in tone. They reverberate in every crack, crevice, and hollow. The lights are, like before, pigmented and swirling, like drops of food colouring into a bowl of water. They are oddly serene.
You have likely also noticed that, for some frustrating reason, both the lights and sounds only appear after dark.
I don’t know about you, listeners, but I’ve hardly slept a wink these past few nights. And I ramble when I’m tired, I’m not sure if you’ve noticed. I’m hoping these new curtains I got today will better block out the light, but the noise… It’s too, too resonant for ear plugs. It rattles within the body…
I took the liberty of sending a carrier pigeon to the Town Hall, to ask Town Council some questions about what’s going on, and all I got in response was this- this thing that kinda looks like a cease and desist order but… I mean, that doesn’t make all that much sense considering I haven’t done anything illegal. In fact, the sounds and lights are the ones violating local bylaws about, you know, noise and lighting- [SHE YAWNS AGAIN] Excuse me.
I mean, it looks like a cease and desist order but I’m only saying that because it says “cease” in big capital letters across the top. It's handwritten in this almost purple ink and some of it is written in strange symbols and shapes, vaguely like hieroglyphics, and I can’t understand them. Some of them I do recognize from the number of the security system. If this is some sort of legal document, there are a number of problematic elements about it. I’ll tuck it away for later and, well, we’ll see what happens.
Anyways, listeners, all this to say, there is no real information on why the lights and sounds are back, nor why they are so relentlessly present. Last time this happened, Town Council claimed it was due to renovations, but those were supposed to be finished, so… I’m not sure. We’ll let you know if we hear anything, but in the meantime, there’s no reason why you couldn’t bring your complaints and questions directly to Town Council. They are, after all, your municipal leaders. They are meant to represent you and are responsible for defending your best interests in municipal matters.
If anyone else receives a similar response to the one we did, let us know.
*MUSIC*
On the topic of municipal matters and leaders… We have some good, if also concerning, news, that has just reached us:
Mayor Simon has returned to Braedon, which is the good news, but he does not remember anything, which is the concerning news.
There are actually many concerning, confounding, and question-inducing elements to the situation, but one thing is clear: he wasn’t on vacation like Town Council said.
The story so far is somewhat upsetting, folks, I won’t lie to you. Apparently, earlier this evening, officers pulled over and searched a vehicle belonging to and being operated by Farmer Daniels. In the trunk of this vehicle is where Mayor Simon, bleeding and confused, was found.
Farmer Daniels was quoted by the officers at the scene as apparently saying contradictory things like “I’m not sure how he ended up in the trunk of my car” and “the bruises were there when I found him down by the river, I swear” and “No, officer, that is not his blood on my hands.” Needless to say, an investigation is ongoing and Farmer Daniels has been arrested with charges pending. His entire property is currently being cordoned off by local authorities as we speak. Mayor Simon is currently being treated at the Braedon Medical centre for non-serious injuries.
We’ll let you know if there are any developments tonight, as it no doubt left you with some questions we also had.
Like, how did the officers know to check the trunk of that specific car? We received some insider information that the officers involved were Mountie John, Sergeant O’Dwyer, and Office Carlinn, or Town Council’s ‘complete’ officers, so maybe that actually answers that question, but there are other questions like why was Mayor Simon in the trunk? Where did he come from? Where did he go? What purpose could Farmer Daniels possibly have for doing something like this? What could Town Council’s motivation be for lying to us?
Again, more on this story as it develops.
*TRANSITION*
Now, listeners, its a little embarrassing to admit, but like, not super embarrassing, but I don’t remember what I filled my mug up with before sitting down to start the show tonight, and now, well, with the whole, certain colour wavelengths being off thing, the liquid inside my mug is bright blue. Like, cerulean blue. Like the colour of water in a cartoon. And I don’t know why, but its making me nervous to drink it.
Like, obviously, I wouldn’t fill this cup up with something I shouldn't drink, its my drinking cup, but… the colour. It looks like cleaning fluid. It's like, plants or animals or insects in nature, having bright colours to scare away predators. Something in the back of my brain associates this very unnatural colour with the risk of poison.
I know its really dumb, but… I mean if I could remember what I put into it then I could talk myself out of this silly train of thought. I get really paranoid when I’m tired. Hm. It could be coffee. Tea. Orange juice. Water. Kombucha. Hot chocolate. Milk. Pop…
Anyways this is not important at all, so we’re going to get back to news and radio things right away here, but… for fun, why don’t you send in your guesses, tell us what you think I filled my cup with so I could drink it, as is often the way, and at the end of the show tonight, I’ll drink it. And we’ll see what it is. A silly little game. With everything going on these past few, well, months, I think we could use some harmless little fun.
Alright, Martha’s giving me the “keep it moving” signal, so we’re gonna jump right into… the community bulletin!
*MUSIC STARTS*
First on the bulletin:
There is currently a sale at Martin’s Grocery on raspberries! Specifically, locally grown raspberries.
Old Miss Betty Miller’s raspberry crop has come in a little early this year, and produced sevenfold the bounty it usually does. Martin graciously offered her space within the grocery to sell them, as she apparently was struggling to store and display the copious amount of fruit. The sale only lasts as long as the raspberries do, though by the sounds of it there’s probably enough for everyone, so make sure you go on down to Martin’s Grocery sometime this week and get your fill of raspberries!
They’re very red this year apparently, deep yet bright-- blood red, you could call it. Well, you might not be able to see it today, but take our word for it. Sweet as honey, fresh as a mountain stream, raspberries are good for so many things! Jam and jellies, pies, or for just eating straight from the bowl, with your hands, taking handfuls at a time, palms smeared with red… The sweet blood of young summer.
Second on the bulletin: The local branch of the teacher’s union just wants to remind its members that an undesired response given by a magic 8-ball to the question: “will I die if I go to work today?” -or any question of a similar variety- counts as a perfectly valid reason for not going into work, and you are entitled to be paid for the day you miss.
In related news, Mr Thompson’s family hopes you can join them for a memorial service remembering his life and career as a 5th grade teacher this Friday at 3 at St. Barbara’s. Also, the Braedon school board would like to welcome Miss Melissa Fletcher onto their staff, who will now be teaching the 5th grade classes.
And third on the bulletin: Some of us have already been to check it out, but there is a community garage sale in the gymnasium at St. Barbara’s church, it started today-- though I think they’ve shut it down for the night, but it will also be running from 11-6 tomorrow. If you’re free and looking for something to do, be sure to go on and find some treasures in need of new homes.
I got to check it out this afternoon folks, and I got some really rad curtains for my trailer from Carrie Wilkenson. They’re right out of the eighties and I can’t wait to put them up. Carrie is also selling these locked suitcases she’s been keeping in her basement for the past 30 years, but told me she finally decided that if she hasn’t opened them in that long, she probably wasn’t ever going to, and wanted to declutter. They all come with their keys, but the contents within are complete mysteries. I was sorely tempted I must admit, but talked myself out of it. Well, actually Martha talked me out of it. She made some very good points about how much I have on my hands, and adding a probably cursed item to the mix wasn’t a good idea.
Oh, speaking of Martha, she got a new coffee machine for the station, courtesy of Stephen Yang, owner of the Mountainview diner, who’s selling some of the diner’s older appliances!
*MUSIC ENDS*
It really is a great time and there are some really great deals. All proceeds from the garage sale will be used to give back to and support the community. The intention is to create something of a community fund, generated by the community, for those in need in the community. If you’re interested in learning more about it and what other upcoming events they might have, Father David, the coordinator of this project, wants everyone to know his door is always open.
That’s all from the community bulletin today. Let’s read a quick word submitted to us by today’s sponsor, whoever it was that left a chunk of cash and wrote this on my napkin at Mountainview this afternoon when I wasn't looking:
*MUSIC*
Want a fun way to spend a Wednesday night? Come to the Walmart parking lot at midnight, and I’ll teach you how to see the future. Wednesday. Walmart parking lot. Midnight. Future.
I’d like to take a moment to remind you that we do not have a Walmart or any other trans- national, franchised department store here in Braedon, although I cannot definitively deny the existence of a Walmart parking lot.
However, maybe that was this person… seeing the future? Oh, I hope we don’t get a walmart. [SHE YAWNS AGAIN] Oh my goodness. I think this is a personal record for yawns I've yawned while we’re live. I’m very sorry.
And, back to today’s sponsor, I am also obliged to remind you, as I’m being so reminded by Martha in the booth, of the complicated legality surrounding psychic visions here in Braedon. We cannot recommend precognition as a practise or hobby, and we cannot recommend meeting up with strangers in the dead of the night to learn the skill.
*TRANSITION*
We have an update on the Mayor Simon situation. It isn’t much at all, as he is still apparently suffering from amnesia of some kind, but reportedly the only coherent statement anyone has been able to get from the Mayor so far is “lost in the woods.”
Well, Mayor Simon, I say with all sincerity, on behalf of your community, and on behalf of all of us here at the station, even if you don’t remember us, we are happy you’re home, and we hope you find a clearing soon.
*TRANSITION*
I’ve been feeling pretty lost in the woods, recently, if I’m being real and open with you listeners for a moment.
I’ve been here 4 years now. Learning about this little town, nestled comfortably in the prairies, in the shade of the mountains and the inexplicable. Memorizing it’s rules and secrets. Falling in love with its dark corners and the strange shadows that fill them. Weird things would come, and that took some getting used to, but they weren’t-- they weren’t overwhelming. They weren’t dangerous. They didn’t feel so…
But recently, life feels like just an ever-increasing series of strange and concerning developments. I’m not sure if you feel the same way, but… yeah. Lost in the woods feels like a good way to put it. I don’t really have the words or the energy to take it any further…
*MUSIC STOPS*
Oh, right, before we end tonight’s show, I gotta do that drink thing! I know Martha’s been keeping tabs on your guesses as to what it is, those of you who have tweeted at us or emailed in, and the colour issue still hasn’t resolved itself, so, without further ado, I am lifting the mug off the desk. The liquid is still a startling shade of blue. I am bringing the mug to my lips, and… here goes nothing.
[SHE TAKES A SIP. A FIT OF COUGHING, WHICH TURNS TO LAUGHTER]
I’m sorry folks, I just choked. Martha is laughing at me from the booth.
It's apple juice. My favourite kind of juice, by the way. It's room temperature now because I left it the whole time, but still refreshing and delicious.
[SHE TAKES ANOTHER, LONGER SIP.]
Well, that’s all for tonight, listeners.
Sorry to end on kinda a weird note. Things have been weird lately-- not like, how things are normally weird. I think I’m just tired. If you’ve been feeling lost in the woods as well, well, I don’t really have any crazy good advice for you, but… well, tell someone you’re lost. How can you be found if no one knows you’re lost?
And, cheesy as it sounds, find a hand to hold. Being lost is always a little easier when you're lost with someone.
The forest doesn’t seem so big when you have someone to share it with.
Thanks for tuning in.