Episode 24: Tape #3

We're still here.

The voice of Tanner is Charles Raymond. The voice of Martha is Daylin Chase. The voice of Officer Carlton is Carson Rafuse.

CW: This episode contains brief mention of injury, and a sudden loud noise from 38:24-38:27.

Sound effects this episode thanks to FreeSound.org contributors: DRFX, melle-teich, sheyvan, alsounknownasa, sacco12, khenshom, leonelm. 

Nowhere, On Air is created, voiced and produced by Jess Syratt. Cover art by Moon Hermit Crab on Instagram.

We'd love to hear from you! Email us at nowhere.onair@gmail.com. Or, find us on twitter, @NowhereOnAir

Transcript

[THEME SONG, INTO STATIC AND GARBLED VOICES, INTO THE SOUND OF A TAPE RECORDER STARTING] 

JESS: Alrighty, and we’re recording. 

TANNER: Man, where did you find that thing? 

JESS: Jordan found it at that community garage sale thing at St. Barbara’s. Pretty cool, huh? 

TANNER: Right, and why do you even have it?

JESS: Well when that new security system thing happened, Martha and I were worried they might be able to access our computer files cause we didn’t know how deep that thing ran. So you know we started to find ways to do things a little bit- a little bit more old fashioned I guess you could say. 

TANNER: Ah, I see. Or, no- I really don’t get how that all works. 

JESS: No one does. It shouldn’t really work but… 

TANNER: Yeah, well that’s true for most things, huh? 

JESS: Yeah. I’ve learned to stop questioning the harmless weird stuff. 

TANNER: Yeah, uh, speaking of weird, why are we in the maintenance closet? 

JESS: It's really just a theory. 

TANNER: A theory? 

JESS: Mostly unfounded, but that the security system actually can’t see or hear us in here. 

TANNER: Hm, really? 

JESS: Well Jordan, bless her heart, sat in here for a few hours each work day the first week we learned about the whole system thing to see if it had any blind spots. Uh, it was Martha’s idea. She’d rotate between a few spots in the station. 

TANNER: And it worked? 

JESS: Yeah- no messages in here. Even when Martha and I got a few on the same night. The break room is the same, but only after dark. It gives me a headache when I try and think about it too hard, nothing about any of this is an exact science. Anyways, uh, I guess we’re wasting tape. Man this is so much harder than radio. Martha ran this last time. I should probably, give some details I guess. I didn’t prepare anything which was kinda dumb- 

[THEY BOTH LAUGH] 

TANNER: No, you’re fine.

JESS: Uh, yeah, here we are. We are here. These tapes are really just for us so far but, who knows what will come of all this. But now that you work here, you’re a part of it. I mean, also your whole, disappearing for 15 years but actually 6 weeks thing makes you a big part of it, but yeah. Okay, back on track. It's me, Jess, the uh, the current host of the local radio show, and I’m not gonna say the date specifically cause we’re rapidly learning those specifics don’t matter, time isn’t real, or at least isn’t what we understand it to be… but Tanner, you’ve been home for a few months now, right? 

TANNER: Yeah. 

JESS: And, well yeah, uh could you state your full name for the record please? Man that sounds so… weirdly official. 

TANNER: [CHUCKLING] Tanner Raphael Walling. 

JESS: Raphael? 

TANNER: Yeah, you know, like that painter? 

JESS: Well, I was thinking the ninja turtle but yeah, he was a painter.

[THEY LAUGH A LITTLE]

Oh, anyways, Martha told me I should have all these questions and stuff planned to guide the discussion like she did, which I guess would have been the responsible thing to do in a journalistic sense but, well, I didn’t do that. Fair warning this will probably be all over the place. Um, right, so I’m going to sum it up into one big question, uh, take as much or as little time as you need, and we’ll go from there. If that sounds good?

TANNER: Alright, shoot. 

JESS: What happened? 

[TANNER SUCKS IN A BREATH, AND THINKS FOR A MOMENT.] 

TANNER: Hm. In all honesty, I don’t remember much specifically about the day it happened. I mean, for me, that was… 15 years ago now. And- and, well it wasn’t exactly a day I wanted to remember. 

JESS: Fair enough. 

TANNER: I was walking home, uh, I think. I don’t remember from what. I’m gonna guess like school, probably? And, and at some point there was, this, like this thing in the air. This moving light, with colours and shadows and, it looked-- shiny. Like it should have been smooth to the touch, and it made this- this musical sound. 

JESS: A shimmering void? 

TANNER: Yeah, yeah. Like a shimmering void. It was very… welcoming. That’s weird to say. And well, me being a curious young kid, I just got a little too close. 

JESS: So you fell through.

TANNER: All I knew was suddenly, I was somewhere else. 

JESS: What was on the other side? 

TANNER: Like a- like a wilderness. Just this hugh, vast… other place that definitely was not home. So, I did the only thing I could: I wandered for a while until I found other people. 

JESS: Yeah, you’ve mentioned before that you weren’t alone.

TANNER: Well, I was 10. So, hank goodness I wasn’t. I wouldn’t have survived if there weren’t other people there, and who had clearly been there for a while. People who um, who cared enough to take me in and look after me. You know, being that young, I was a burden, you know? Just the fact that they even considered like taking me in and basically, like rasing me… I owe a lot to them. After a little while, I went on my own before I found a solid group and then I stayed with them for a while. Like, like years. We were a pretty big group, actually. Probably the biggest one I’d really ever come across there. 

JESS: Can you tell us anything about them? 

[TANNER TAKES SOMETHING OUT OF HIS POCKET AND HANDS IT TO HER- ITS A PHOTO]

TANNER: Here. This would be the last group I was with. 

JESS: Someone had a camera? 

TANNER: Yeah this guy, uh, Killian, he had like, this old polaroid. Like, pretty old. I don’t want to know how long he’d been there. [LAUGHING A LITTLE] I traded him like a week’s worth of food for that picture. 

JESS: Wow. 

TANNER: Well, you know, I kept trying to draw people but I’m a terrible artist. And, I wanted something to, you know, remember them by, if something happened. 

JESS: What are their names?

TANNER: Uh, well, Killian’s behind the camera, and that’s Solomon, Kiarah, Rashid, Sabria and Suhani, and Jin. 

JESS: And who’s that, next to you? You both look… happy.

TANNER: Huh, yeah we uh, we were. That’s Becca- Rebecca. My uh, wife. 

JESS: Wait what? Your wife? 

TANNER: Well, we were never like, officially married. But to us we were. We even had this like silly little ceremony thing. 

JESS: Wow. 

TANNER: I was gone for 15 years, and so much about it felt- felt wrong for so long, until, til I met her. You know when like something happens and suddenly so much makes sense? 

JESS: Sure. 

TANNER: It’s probably just easier to tell yourself things happen for a reason, huh? 

JESS: No, no like, you suddenly just felt like you were meant to be there?

TANNER: Yeah. 

JESS: I get it. I definitely get it. How many of you were there? 

TANNER: I don’t know. Over there, people they come and they go. They emerge and then they disappear. Into the unexplored. I made friends when and where I could… sometimes you’d think you’d met everyone and then, you’d stumble upon someone else. In the distance, in the darkness and the colour. When I met Becca, we stuck with her group for a while. Like, years. They were our family. Right up until I came back. [QUITELY] I hope she’s still with them. 

JESS: Tanner, I mean, I know you haven’t been back all that long, but you talked about some of this stuff…  you’ve never talked about her. 

TANNER: It’s um, it’s hard. Talking about it… it makes it real. And, and the absence. Not talking about it keeps the distance at bay, you know? 

JESS: I can’t imagine how much you must miss her. 

TANNER: [HUMS IN AGREEMENT] 

JESS: How did you meet? You and Rebecca. If you want to talk about it. 

TANNER: That’s kind of a funny story. Well, not funny. I can laugh about it. And it's really two stories in one. 

Alright, um, for context, this place… I know calling it ‘another world’ sounds, sounds strange and kinda stupid but that's what it was. And I think we can say with certainty we know these other places are what lie on the other side of these voids. There were similarities between our world and that one, but there were many things that were quite different. One difference were these um, these things, these… creatures. There were lots of uh, animals, but those in particular. I don’t even know how to describe them. I don’t even think I can. It was sort of an unspoken rule that you didn’t really talk about them. We called them like, wolves or bears but… uh, they weren’t. Those were just the only names we had that could sort of come close. 

JESS: Okay. 

TANNER: Anyways, I had just separated from a different group and I’d been on my own for a few weeks-- it's not really important why-- and at some point I just heard screaming. 

JESS: Rebecca. 

TANNER: It’s nice to hear her name. Rebecca. I ran and she was just face to face with one of those things. They’re like, they’re quiet, y’know, they’ll sneak up on you if you’re not careful. Honestly, I didn’t even think before just, throwing myself at it. 

JESS: Really?

TANNER: Yeah. And I mean, when you’re in survival mode like you kinda had to be, that’s the exact opposite instinct you’re supposed to have but, I don’t know. Not sure what I was thinking. But, it worked. I bought us enough time for others in her group to hear us and come and help. 

JESS: Two stories in one… sorry if this is a sensitive question, but… Is that… how you lost your hand?

TANNER: Yeah. Well, it was in, let’s say bad shape after the whole thing and I uh, made the choice to, you know… but hell of a meet cute, huh? For the first few months I was kind of, well, a mess. Solomon, on the right in the picture there, he was an army medic where he was from, so thankfully I was really in the best hands I could have been given the situation. It's funny, happenstances like that are so often the tipping point between life and death.  

JESS: Yeah, you could have died. 

TANNER: Almost did… 3 times total I think? That’s not really all that bad compared to the stories other people had. I mean, everyone you met there had their fair share of ghosts.

But um, they took me in. Cared for me. Kept me going. You know, you really see the true nature of people in a place like that. The choice to look out for someone when it doesn’t benefit you, in this place where you’re constantly in survival mode. And, well, it's so empty there that you really find what wholeness, what warmth you can and you hold onto it. You get close to people pretty quick. And uh you know when I was mostly recovered, they gave me the choice to stay or move on but, well, the choice felt like an obvious one. They’d given me the strength to keep going, and I wasn’t gonna keep going without them. 

JESS: And Rebecca?

TANNER: Well she may or may not have factored into that choice, uh yeah. 

JESS: Not to, uh, change the subject, but to change the subject: Can you describe it for us? 

TANNER: Uh what? 

JESS: That place, that other world? You’ve described little bits and pieces. But what was it like? As a whole? 

TANNER: Oh, um- It's kinda hard to. It was almost like um… like living in an impressionist painting. 

JESS: How so? 

TANNER: It felt half formed. Like, like someone had been building a replica of our world and just… just gave up halfway through. Everything was familiar but strange, what we’d think of as forests, as mountains, as the sky… It was all there, just off, different. A… a hollow mirage. Colours were dull and dark. The air was cold and thin. The wind always felt stark and even the sunlight felt… like diluted. There weren’t any real cities or places, but there was the occasional shelter, worn, like someone had come a long time before you, built it, and then eventually moved on. There were also things that had passed through, the same way I did- like we all did. No one was from there, we all ended up there from other places. Even other than this place. 

JESS: Did you ever share your stories with each other?

TANNER: Oh yeah. I mean, it became a very cathartic thing to keep our families and loved ones alive in more than just our own memories. It made them feel less far away, like if other people knew about them, they were nearer to us. They were with us, around us. Living in the hearts and minds of others. Storytelling was a pretty big thing. Songs, too. 

JESS: Wow. I mean, we don’t have the time right now, but I would love to hear about them sometime, if you’d be willing to share. Keep them alive here, you know? 

TANNER: Sure. 

JESS: Can you describe the day you came back? 

TANNER: It was, uh, it was actually night over there. Everyone was asleep- except for me, I don’t really know why but it was just one of those nights where I couldn’t sleep- like, you know where you feel like you’re hearing sound but you’re not, if that makes sense, 

JESS: Yeah, like something is just keeping you awake? Calling to you almost. 

TANNER: Yeah. And then suddenly, there was sound. And then I saw this light. There was this spot in the air that was, that was shimmering, and making this sound, this low, humming sound, that was almost musical. Honestly, I thought I was dreaming, you know. The lights, the colours, it was, it was an echo of some whispered memory from over a decade ago. And the voids, they have this presence too, when they’re that formed. That close. I hadn’t even realized I was up and walking towards it until Becca called my name, and I- I turned around and she was- she was where we’d been sleeping and, and it was too late. I got too close again, and all I knew was that I was enveloped in light and in energy and- and static. 

And then I…

JESS: And then?

TANNER: And then I woke up, back to the earth, stomach to the stars, with tears like streams from my eyes and blood like a stream from my nose, and a strange tattoo etched into my forearm-

[JESS SHOWS HER ARM]

JESS: Hey, matchies!

TANNER: Would you look at that!

JESS: Sorry, continue. 

TANNER: Well, then, I was home.

JESS: Here?

TANNER: Braedon. Home. Whole and solid and bright. And I’d only been gone- well, weeks apparently, as- as you’d know. 

JESS: What was it like? Coming back? 

TANNER: Coming home? Like- stepping out of a dream. Not waking up, but like- like a dream inside a dream. You know? You go from one door and through the next. Like passing through a door into a memory. But it's not a memory, because- cause you can feel things, you can touch things. If that makes sense. 

JESS: Yeah, it's real. 

TANNER: It’s like a dream you wake up from, but the dream was a thing that still happened- just, it- but it only happened to me. It was hard at first, it’s been hard. I’m trying to remind myself that this is real. I spent so much time there dreaming about coming back and, but then after a while, I, you know, I’d made my peace with it. Being stuck, I was fine. You know, you let yourself forget a little. 

JESS: [HUMS IN AGREEMENT.] 

TANNER: Yeah, guess I don’t really need to tell you, huh? 

JESS: But, the unexpected homecoming. The sudden jolting back after 15 years, that’s, that’s a shock. 

TANNER: Like jumping headfirst into a glacier pool. 

JESS: I know it was hard leaving them behind, especially without even knowing you were doing it, and you don’t have to answer if you don’t want to, but how’s it been being back with your family? Here?

TANNER: [SIGHS] It's been… difficult. You know, sometimes my mom, she just, she looks at me and… and I can tell she’s just seeing all that time that we were supposed to have together. And there’s a lot of guilt both of us are sort of carrying. You know, about me being gone. Being raised by other people, in another place. Even though neither of us were at fault and there’s nothing either of us could have done. It's just… you know, it's wrong. It shouldn’t have happened. And I’ve had years to deal with that feeling, but she hasn’t. It’s only been a couple of months for everyone else. And that makes it fresh all over again. I mean, look I left, and my little sister was six years old. And then I come back fifteen years later, and she’s still six years old. And I don’t even think she understands what happened, I don’t know, she’s talking it pretty well, I think. It's bittersweet, being home. It’s just another adjustment to make, though, if I’m being honest. It was not one I was thinking about when I was just dreaming to be back and, I’m sorry. I just-- I guess I needed to tell someone. 

JESS: Hey, it's okay, I totally understand. 

TANNER: Sorry if this is, like, sensitive or whatever but… Braedon is like your other place, right? I mean, I don’t really know what the story is for you, but Martha’s told me basically that much. 

JESS: Yeah, it is. 

TANNER: Do you ever talk about it? 

JESS: Not so much. It’s been easier to not. 

TANNER: Right. The absence. Well, if you ever need to… 

JESS: Thanks. Not right now though, cause that’s not what this tape is for [SHE LAUGHS A LITTLE] I’ve already had my tape. You can listen to it sometime, if you want. This tape is for you. To talk about your experience. I mean, right now you’re one of the best, like witnesses I guess- we have for this sort of thing. 

TANNER: For sure. 

JESS: I mean, not everyone we’ve spoken to has agreed to come on record like this, but Martha and I have been trying to make sense of things for a while, as you know, and there’s so many holes and shadows and we’re hoping this can help us fill in some of the gaps and maybe start to keep track of things. We’re doing our best I guess to just try and understand what’s going on so that we can eventually share it with people. Cause it affects all of us, y’know. 

TANNER: I mean, look, I’m not a scientist or anything so I’m not gonna try to offer any sort of science terms, but the way I’ve come to understand it is with this metaphor about walls. 

JESS: Walls? 

TANNER: Yeah, like, you know if you don’t have any insulation, or soundproofing or whatever, things like sound and, and cold they leak in. The- the sound it’s not always perfect, it’s not always clear, it's muffled or muddied, but it does come through all the same. That’s kinda what it's like. But instead of the walls being built badly or whatever, someone or something is sanding them down. Thinning them out. 

JESS: Who would do that? And to what end? 

TANNER: Well, I’m pretty sure we have a good idea of the who. 

JESS: [LAUGHING] Yeah I guess we’re pretty certain on that front. 

TANNER: And, they said it’s always been a part of Braedon. I mean, it’s been… weird for as long as I can remember, and its always been… special, but the uh, the bigger stuff that’s only really been going on this year. 

JESS: Like whatever is causing it is getting stronger? 

TANNER: Or weaker. I mean, it’s beginning to show all these rips and tears and it’s letting things through. 

JESS: Wait, you said they? 

TANNER: Did I? Um, yeah, the uh, the Faceless. 

JESS: They’re the ones who found you, right? If I’m remembering that correctly. We’ve got notes about the whole thing on our uh, mystery board. They found you in Farmer Daniels’ northernmost field? 

TANNER: Yeah, yeah, they brought me back. 

JESS: Wait what? 

TANNER: Damn- 

JESS: Brought you back, what does that mean? 

TANNER: Look, I’m really not supposed to talk about it yet… 

JESS: What do you mean?

TANNER: Uh, fuck. They told me there was a time and a place for- for sharing that, and that they’d be the ones to tell us- to tell you, when things were right and-

JESS: Yeah, but no, wait- if they know how to bring people back-- all these people gone, if it’s those void things, and they can do something about it? Why wouldn’t they tell us? People have been hurt, a kid has died- 

TANNER: I know, I know but-

JESS: You’ve known the whole time, why would you pretend that you didn’t?

TANNER: Look I really don’t know any more, and I really can’t say even if I did. I made promises, okay? Others have to. I don’t think it's an exact science, I mean… if it was, they would have done more. 

JESS: Could they send me home? 

TANNER: I don’t know. I asked about Rebecca, and it didn’t seem like [HE SIGHS]-- Look, I’ve already said a whole lot more than I probably should’ve. Look, I really am sorry. I know it sounds like I have more answers than I do, I swear… Look, I- 

[SHE SIGHS]

JESS: No… It's okay. I understand. It’s not your fault. It's just… there are so many secrets, it's getting kinda frustrating. I mean, we’ve even kept secrets here and that never sits right with me, but this would’ve been nice to know. I get why you didn’t tell us, but it would’ve been nice to know. 

TANNER: I know. 

JESS: I mean, I even reached out to them to come in to record one of these, but they declined. 

TANNER: I know. But… I trust them. I want to trust them. They brought me home, I have to. 

[JESS SIGHS] 

JESS: Yeah, I do too. And so many people in town do as well. I mean, I met with John Mulroy the other day and just hearing everything they did for the family while he was sick, they’ve proved themselves to be… well something. I’m willing to give them the benefit of the doubt, for now. This just would’ve been nice to know.

TANNER: Oh, hey, Martha told me you were followed home from your meeting, right? 

JESS: Yeah. It’s not the first time I’ve been followed homes by those, uh, suit people, but I feel bad for John. Its unsettling to say the least. 

TANNER: Yeah, no kidding. 

JESS: And it’s even more unnerving considering we thought we were being discreet. I mean, I’ve met other people like that, and to think that maybe its happened to them before… and they didn’t know… 

TANNER: What’d you guys meet about? 

JESS: Just to talk about his thoughts and experiences surrounding the mine.

TANNER: Oh, yeah? 

JESS: How and when he got the job, when he and the other workers noticed that they were getting sick, if in hindsight if there was some sort of, uh, catalyst for it. He didn’t want to be recorded though, which is totally fine. It’s hard to even find people who want to talk about it. Or anything so. 

TANNER: Hmmm. 

JESS: I mean, I don’t blame them in any way, shape, or form. It isn’t easy to talk about. Nothing is easy right now. Things are scary. Especially with all… you know. I think it's easier for me because, well, I don’t have as much at stake, I guess. Don’t get me wrong, I love this place and I care about the people here with all of my heart, but… when I think home, most of me doesn’t think of here. 

TANNER: Yeah that makes sense. How long have you been gone? 

JESS: Uh, four years, well probably close to four and a half now. Yeah. So nothing compared to you but, yeah. 

TANNER: Look, it's not a competition. Distance is distance, and it hurts. 

JESS: And it hurts. 

[SHE SIGHS] 

JESS: Anyways. Sorry. Not to bring the whole thing down. Back to the tape and the subject at hand as unfortunately we do have a time limit, is there anything else to say about it? As vague as it is? 

TANNER: No, no, I don’t really think so. 

JESS: Yeah, sorry this is so disorganized. I’m sure we covered the important stuff- and if not, I guess we can always make another tape. It's a work in progress. But thank you so much for this. Whatever this ends up being good for, it's just good to have a record of these things made by people who don’t have anything to hide. Or, far less to hide than other possible parties. 

TANNER: No worries. And uh, hey, uh… 

JESS: Yeah? 

TANNER: If you ever want to talk about it, you know, about your family- like vent, you know? And you think it would help to talk to someone who knows a thing or two about what you’re going through then… just let me know, okay? 

JESS: Likewise. If you ever need to tell a story about your friends, about Rebecca… 

TANNER: Thanks. 

[A PAUSE]

JESS: Well, if that’s everything… 

TANNER: That’s it? 

[THE SOUNDS OF THEM STANDING UP]

JESS: That’s it. Well, for this part [JESS TAPS THE RECORDER] Still got a show to do tonight. 

TANNER: Right. [FARTHER AWAY] Hey, so, uh, Martha told me it was actually your birthday tomorrow?

JESS: Did she now?

[THE RECORDING STOPS. STATIC, GARBLED VOICES INTO A CURRENT BROADCAST]

TANNER: The tape’s done, did they hear it? 

CARLTON: Got word saying it came through. 

MARTHA: We got sound. 

TANNER: Are the mics working now? 

MARTHA: Yeah, yeah I think so. For now. [TURNING TO SPEAK TO HER] Hey, Jordan… 

TANNER: [QUICKLY] Uh, hey listeners, I’m really not sure how long this is gonna last right now, but look, I just wanted to say we’re still here, we’re still here and we’re--

[STATIC]