Donald August Versus the Land of Flowers
Donald August Versus the Land of Flowers
1: A Case Buds
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This is a 5-episode fiction podcast set in suburban Florida. A 12-year-old boy and his 16-year-old summer nanny set out to find a mystery to play-solve and instead stumble upon ... well, you’ll find out.
Episode 2 comes out tomorrow, Wednesday, August 12th, and Episode 3 comes out on Thursday the 13th.
Donald August Versus the Land of Flowers is an independent podcast homemade by 5 pals during the coronavirus lockdown.
- Starring Dave Cutler (Donnie, Rowan) and Katie Cutler (Lex)
- Written by Emily Donovan and Benjamin Kerns
- Music by Dylan Burchett
Find out more about us here.
Deaf or hard of hearing? Practicing English? You can read PDFs of released episodes here.
INT. Donnie’s house – early afternoon
Lex
See?
(Further from the microphone)
The red light means it’s recording. And to turn it off you just
A blip as the recorder slows then turns back on.
Lex (cont’d)
and now it’s back on.
Donnie
Cool! It’s so old school.
Lex
I know, right? I was looking for something for you to do today, and I found this.
Donnie
(Too close to the microphone)
Hellloooooooooo! Can anyone hear me? Has this message reached anyone? IS IT ALREADY TOO LATE??
Lex
Ooookay.
Donnie
(Continuing in his own world)
This device will record my case notes as I circle in on the truth.
Lex
We’re really still doing the detective game, huh?
(Trying for at least one small break from the detective thing)
Bud, do you want to make a studio?
Donnie
Why?
Lex
(Neutral-toned going along with it like a good babysitter)
Because if you want to listen back to your pleas for help later, then a pillow fort would reduce background noise.
Donnie
A pillow fort? A PILLOW FORT? Do you think this is some kind of game?
Lex
Uhh? Mm.
(She did.)
Donnie
We can’t just build pillow forts anymore. Pillow forts are for children, and I am 12, and we all know that if your age has two numbers in it, you aren’t a child anymore.
Lex
Your age had two numbers in it last year, and you built pillow forts when I used to babysit you on Saturdays.
Donnie
Saturday nights were different then. It was a different time. A different day of the week. Besides,
(Slips into detective voice)
our city’s mysteries don’t wait in the warm embrace of a pillow fort. Mysteries wait in the cold, uh, not-embrace of the streets.
Lex
Wellington is more of a village than a city, so I don’t know there are a lot of mysteries waiting for you out there. It’s pretty much just divorces and parking lot fender benders.
(clarifying for Donnie:)
Fender benders? Car accidents.
Donnie
(kid)
Aren’t car accidents crimes?
Lex
I guess so, yeah.
Donnie
(detective)
Where there’s streets, there’s crimes.
Lex
All right, bud. Why don’t you record some case notes in your bedroom, and I’ll stay out here so I don’t spoil anything?
Donnie
Ah, yes. My patented mystery-solving process must itself remain a mystery.
(drops detective voice)
Wait. Lex. Does recording on this count towards my limit on screen times? Please say no please say no please say no please say—
Lex
Uuuuuuum. There’s like no screen on it.
Donnie
(detective)
Yes. Mm.
Lex
What’s with your mom’s new screen time rule anyway? Your detective show is only an hour once a week.
Donnie
It was the microtransactions on the officially-licensed Cold Observer free-to-play mobile game tie-in.
(kid)
You find clues for the Cold Observer that will help him in the next week’s episode.
(detective)
I left a trail of dollar-twenty-five purchases on her credit card statement. Late night. 9 p.m. after she tucked me in, 5 a.m. before she was up, 5:08 a.m. because I messed up the level.
Lex
(lying)
It must be a really good game.
Donnie
I can’t leave the Cold Observer hanging. What do you do on your phone all the time?
Lex
I’m not on my phone all the time.
Donnie
You’re on your phone right now.
Lex
OK, my phone is out while we’re talking, but I’m not on it.
Donnie
(detective notes)
The subject became defensive when asked what she does on her phone.
(to Lex)
When you are on your phone, what do you do?
Lex
(lying)
You know. Phone stuff. Texting. Scrolling.
Donnie
Hm. “Scrolling.”
Lex
(trying to play a character in order to distract him)
Are you doubting my scrolling?
Donnie
Scrolling is up and down.
Lex
Yeah?
Donnie
You’re going right-left.
Lex
Forget about it.
Donnie
You’re swiping.
DONNIE doesn’t realize the Tinder connotation of “swiping,” but LEX does. She stops playing around.
Lex
I am not swiping. I would never swipe.
Donnie
My mom swipes.
Lex
Not that there’s anything wrong with swiping!
LEX is awkward about dating. She is probably gay but she’s not 100% sure.
Lex (cont’d)
I’m too young to swipe. Even if I were into swiping, I wouldn’t do it for real, definitely not while babysitting.
Donnie
(kid)
You’re my nanny, not my babysitter. I’m not a baby.
Lex
OK, I wouldn’t swipe while nannying.
Donnie
There you did it again! Just now! You swiped.
Lex
(relieved)
Oh, that? That’s not swiping.
Donnie
Let me see it.
A tussle. DONNIE is trying to grab Lex’s phone, but he only manages to get a peek at the screen.
Lex
Donnie! Let go!
Donnie
(genuinely surprised)
All text and no photos?
Lex
It’s a book, OK! I’m reading an ebook. I go right-left to turn the page.
Donnie
(detective)
A myster-e-book?
Lex
No. A normal ebook. Find a different mystery to solve, Donnie. Why don’t you think of something to do with the streets?
LEX notices the time on her phone.
Lex (cont’d)
Ooh. I forgot about your uncle taking you early today. We’re going to be late.
Donnie
Horray! We’re late!
Lex
I thought we liked Uncle Rowan’s house.
Donnie
It’s dramatic to be late.
Lex
C’mon, let’s get our shoes on.
Donnie
(Detective voice)
So we can walk, through the streets.
Lex
Sure.
Donnie
Boots. Only boots could embrace the lonely roads of a world that’s been forgotten.
Lex
I see shoes, no boots.
Donnie
Only boots would protect us from the embrace of the past. But where had they gone?
(Inhales, pauses)
A mystery.
Lex
We’re not waiting for you to solve where you hid your boots from me again.
Donnie
(Breaks detective character, embarrassed)
I do not create my own mysteries.
Lex
Yeah. So what happened this morning was just a coincidence?
Donnie
Not a coincidence. A crime.
Lex
A burglar broke into your apartment in the five minutes between when your mom left and when I got here, and you scared him off seconds before I walked in?
Donnie
Uh-huh.
Lex
And he was trying to steal a cup of flour?
Donnie
It’s more common than you think.
Lex
And he left a flour handprint the exact same size as your hands?
Donnie
Criminals are known to have small hands. We went over this.
Lex
Your uncle’s is right next door. We’re going to take a chance with the shoes, OK buddy?
Donnie
(detective)
Ah, yes. Chance. Lady luck. We must embrace fate.
Lex
You can look for a mystery to solve outside of the apartment while we walk.
EXT. between condo complexes in wellington, fl – mid-afternoon
Donnie
The trip to Rowan’s place was as dangerous as it was dark.
Lex
This is Florida. It’s always sunny.
Donnie
(ignoring her)
The streets were deserted. People huddled in their homes, trying to find meaning in their desperate ... embrace.
A bird can be heard calling on the recording.
Donnie
A bird was all that remained of the world that once was. Desperate for the trees that have all turned to concrete.
Lex
(in the distance, to herself)
Jesus Christ.
Donnie
And tailing me was Lex, an older dame who probably couldn’t wait to get rid of me
(detective voice breaks somewhat as Donnie is hurt by the thought that Lex isn’t really his friend)
because she has a life that starts at 4.
Lex
And then I get to tail you “not making up mysteries” starting again at 9 a.m. tomorrow and
(said through teeth in a forced smile)
every weekday after that. All summer.
(tone shifts as she tries to cheer herself up)
So is the recorder helping you find a good mystery to solve?
Donnie
I need something big, something worth taking case notes on.
(out of detective voice, like negotiating the rules of the game they have to agree to before they get back in character)
Maybe... aliens?
(genuinely afraid of aliens)
Lex
(kindly)
Donnie, you know aliens aren’t real, right?
DONNIE is silent.
Lex (cont’d)
Or like – if they are real, they wouldn’t want to stay here. Wellington, Florida is the Hunger Games arena of the galaxy.
Donnie
The galaxy has the Hunger Games?
Lex
No. Well, maybe. I mean everything is dangerous in Florida. The alligators, the hurricanes, the people. My neighborhood’s HOA has a rule that you can’t park your car in your driveway; it has to be in the garage. Spaceships wouldn’t fit in the garage. There’s no way aliens want to risk HOA fines.
Donnie
(Suspicious)
Hmmm.
Lex
What would the Cold Observer do if he was looking for a new case?
Donnie
Wait for the next episode to start?
Lex
He’s the Cold Observer.
(She waits, but Donnie doesn’t have any new guess.)
He would observe.
(imitating detective voice)
Look longer. Notice details.
(normal voice)
If you pay attention and think really hard – but quietly to yourself – maybe you’ll see something out of place by the time we get to your Uncle Rowan’s house.
The sounds of mundanity entering the recording. A breeze rustles a tree, a bug buzzes, a truck drives by. Everything is so regular the quality of the sunlight is almost audible.
Donnie
OK, OK.
(mumbling, listing potential mysteries)
Hm... No footprints anywhere, except on the lizard guts that got stepped on. ... No anonymous notes signed with a lipstick kiss... No different note made of cut-out magazine letters... No invisible ink – as far as I can tell.
EXT. ROWAN’S HOUSE – Mid-afternoon
Donnie and Lex’s footsteps slow as they arrive at the door.
Lex
All right. Spot any leads on the way here, bud?
Donnie
That! That plant. Is new.
(detective voice)
And only I can find out where it came from.
Lex
That plant is a plant.
Donnie
(Detective voice)
Ahh, the sounds the uninitiated trying to sound initiated. If you had done any legwork on this case, you would already know the horrible truth.
(As a magician revealing the prestige)
My uncle couldn’t keep a plant alive if his life depended on it. Mom says he barely keeps himself alive.
LEX raises an eyebrow but doesn’t respond out loud. She’s reading again.
Donnie (cont’d)
Hey, Lex, come on. It’s at least suspicious enough to put your ebook down for one double-take.
A rustling sound signifies the plant moves, and then grows. This is something that is actually happening, but LEX is still looking at her phone.
Donnie (cont’d)
(dropping detective voice)
WHAAATT! Lex! LEX! It grew. The plant actually grew!
Lex
Donnie. It’s a plant. We live in a paved-over swamp. Plants grow.
Donnie
No, it grew at least four inches just now.
Lex
OK, bud.
Donnie
I’m serious! It was an inch tall a second ago, and now it’s like half a foot! And look at the vine under it. It’s
(detective voice)
suspicious.
Lex
That vine is not suspicious. What could a vine possibly be a suspect of?
Donnie
Of crime.
Lex
It just has berries on it. They’re the seeds.
Donnie
More suspects. I’ll take some of these “seeds” to the lab for interrogation.
Plucking sound as DONNIE picks up a handful.
Donnie
Squishy. Hm. This is the perfect case for
(detective voice:)
Donald August, P.I.
Lex
Wait, whoa. Donnie, close your hand around those seeds again.
Donnie
OK?
Lex
Open your fingers just a little bit. No, not all the way. Let me just peek in. ... WHOA.
Donnie
Let me see – WAIT.
Lex
(genuinely checking if she’s crazy)
Are you seeing what I’m seeing?
Donnie
(detective)
A mystery.
Lex
Or a radioactive plant! Those seeds are glowing in the dark.
Donnie
(kid, like it’s obvious)
Yeah. I know. It’s a mystery.
Lex
That’s not normal.
Donnie
Yeah, it’s not normal! It’s a mystery!
Lex
Donnie, seeds are not supposed to glow in the dark. What if it’s unstable? What if touching it hurts you?
Donnie
Well I’m already touching it, and I feel fine.
Lex
Your hand does look normal. No burns or anything. I don’t know. This could be serious.
Donnie
Or it could be seriously cool! Look, it looks totally normal in the light. It’s mysterious, not dangerous. Come on, Lex, let me take this case. There are never any real mysteries that only I know about.
Lex
Maybe it’s just a weird plant with seeds that glow in the dark. There could be weird plants. With seeds that glow in the dark.
Donnie
It’s not going to hurt anybody! And it’s mysterious. Please?
Lex
I can’t believe this. Aaaaah OK. The case of the glow-in-the-dark seeds–
Donnie
The glow-in-the-dark seeds and the super-fast-growing plant.
Lex
The case of the glow-in-the-dark seeds and the supposedly super-fast-growing plant is yours to investigate. But if anything gets dangerous, we have to step out of the way and let the adults be in charge. Deal?
Donnie
YES. Deal!
Lex
And you have to at least tell your Uncle Rowan.
Donnie
What!
Lex
It’s his yard that it’s growing in. If this plant might put anyone in danger, it’d be him.
Donnie
A plant can’t put Uncle Rowan in danger. Uncle Rowan is a danger to plants.
Lex
That’s true. Your weird plant is really the only think alive in his whole yard. Even his grass is dying.
Donnie
Yeah, Uncle Rowan says that if he doesn’t need a professional to come take care of him in his retirement, neither should his lawn.
(Out of detective voice)
Wait, Lex, what does ‘blinking red’ mean?
Lex
Is the seed blinking red now??
Donnie
Don’t be silly. It’s the recorder that’s blinking red. Wait. Is it a mystery radar? IS THERE OFFICIALLY A MYSTERY NEARBY!?
Lex
It probably just means the batteries are low.
Donnie
You gotta tell me this stuff before we start mystery-solving. Where’s your charger?
Lex
It doesn’t charge. It’s old, remember? It’s needs double A batteries.
Donnie
Fine. Where are your double A batteries?
Lex
I don’t carry double A Batteries. You need a C battery, I’m your girl, but Double A, you’re out of luck.
Donnie
(The sarcasm is lost on him)
Will a C battery work?
Lex
No, I was just – never mind. Sorry, bud. How about I bring you batteries tomorrow?
Donnie
(detective)
Never trust a dame with batteries.
LEX is silent, and hereafter her tone is flatter. The “dame” comment makes her no longer feel like playing along.
Donnie
(kid)
How am I supposed to interrogate my uncle without a recorder? I can’t pick apart his inconsistencies if I can’t play them back.
Lex
You’re low, not out. Just stop wasting them.
Donnie
OK. OK, OK.
The door opens and Donnie’s uncle ROWAN walks onto the stoop. DONNIE takes this moment to pounce.
Donnie (cont’d)
Didyougrowtheplantoutside??
Rowan
That depends little man, are you a cop? Ha. Uh. No, no, I don’t think I did.
Batteries die. The sound of a machine’s whirring down brings the episode to a close.