Uncovering and Dealing with Stress and Anxiety with the "Mindlocksmith" Matt Sturgess

In this episode, I have the pleasure of talking to Matt Sturgess who is an expert in helping Leaders & Managers overcome Anxiety and Stress.

Today I  pick Matt’s brains on stress and how the mind works, that will give us some actionable insights.

ABOUT THE GUEST

Matt has been the “Mindlocksmith” since August 2022 helping business people become highly productive by providing Coaching, Training and Sharing Practical Techniques to manage their minds. 

Matt has an outstanding professional career and has held positions as CEO, Managing Director, Sales & Marketing Director and Commercial Director within a number of successful businesses.

To discover more about Matt click these links:

Website:       https://mindlocksmith.com/
LinkedIn:      https://www.linkedin.com/in/matt-sturgess/

ABOUT THE HOST

My name is Dave Barr and I am the Founder and Owner of RLB Purchasing Consultancy Limited.

I have been working in Procurement for over 25 years and have had the joy of working in a number of global manufacturing and service industries throughout this time.

I am passionate about self development, business improvement, saving money, buying quality goods and services, developing positive and effective working relationships with suppliers and colleagues, and driving improvement through out the supply chain.

Now I wish to share this knowledge and that of highly skilled and competent people with you, the listener, in order that you may hopefully benefit from this information.

CONTACT DETAILS

@The Real Life Buyer
Email: david@thereallifebuyer.co.uk
Website: https://linktr.ee/thereallifebuyer

For Purchasing Consultancy services:
https://rlbpurchasingconsultancy.co.uk/
Email: contact@rlbpurchasingconsultancy.co.uk

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Click here for some Guest Courses - https://www.thereallifebuyer.co.uk/guest-courses/

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Transcript

Intro  00:00

Dave, welcome to The Real Life Buyer podcast. In this podcast, you will hear interviews with business owners, entrepreneurs, thought leaders, authors and technical specialists in their field. These professionals will hasten your development, accelerate your career, and broaden your business. Know how now introducing your host, Dave Barr, interviewing with a purchasing twist.

Dave Barr  00:20

Hello and welcome to The Real Life Buyer. In this episode, I have the pleasure of talking to Matt Sturges, who is an expert in helping leaders and managers overcome anxiety and stress. Matt has been the "Mind Locksmith" since August 22 helping business people become highly productive by providing coaching, training and sharing practical techniques to manage their minds. Matt has an outstanding professional career and has held positions as CEO, Managing Director, Sales and Marketing Director and Commercial Director within a number of successful businesses. Today, I'd like to pick Matt's brains on stress and how the mind works, that will give us a flavor of his vast knowledge and some actionable insights to boot. So without further ado, I welcome Matt onto the podcast. Hi, Matt. 

Matt Sturgess  01:13

Hi. Good to be here. Thanks, Dave. 

Dave Barr  01:15

Great to have you on the show. It's nice to talk to you on record rather than a little chat on messaging these days.

Matt Sturgess  01:22

So, yeah, absolutely, yeah.

Dave Barr  01:24

So tell us a little bit about yourself and the reasons why you stepped away from a very successful corporate career to become a thought management leader and a coach.

Matt Sturgess  01:36

Yeah. So, well, I started life as an engineer, and the important point with that is because I'm a very curious person. So curious, I used to take my older brother's toys apart to see how they worked, and couldn't always put them back together again, which he still reminds me about. So So I did electronics. Then I got into sales, ended up running businesses, did an MBA, all, all sorts of sort of leadership stuff. But that curiosity, if you like, went a bit further. And I thought, hang on, the most powerful bit of kit we've got is our mind. It's an amazing thing. Nobody's given us a user guide. It's not as intuitive to users as an iPhone. So I ended up reading a lot about how the mind works, and my curiosity turned that way. But I've also got a deep need. I don't know where it comes from, or what it is to help people so sort of various journeys, which we'll probably get through in this podcast today, I ended up at a situation thinking, actually, I need to do what is basically me, curiosity about the mind and helping people. So that sort of spurred me, and had some breakthrough moments during covid where I helped a friend out and things like that in my life. So yeah, just that need to really, I suppose, in an odd way, get back to who I really was. So, yeah, yeah. 

Dave Barr  02:42

What would be interesting? And certainly if the shoe was on, on on my foot, and I was saying to my wife, well, I've been a CEO, a director and everything else, I think I'm going to do some coaching now, and I'm not going to do other stuff that paid me lots of money anymore. She probably have something to say about it. How was your family when you said, Actually, I'm going to have a different direction in my life now? 

Matt Sturgess  02:43

No, you had interest. Very supportive. So so my So, my wife is very creative. So she started her own business some time ago, helping people create paper flowers and mindfulness through that and things like that. So So she, she understands what it's like to do what you really enjoy, and we had quite a few life changing moments together, which is part of, I guess, where I am now, which I'll share later. So her, her approach was when we finally moved back to the south coast, where we both grew up, we've been in the West Midlands for 16 odd years, she said, for goodness sake, do the thing you really love. So we downsized a bit. We had a little bit of financial leeway. So just do it. Just go for it. So, yeah, so our daughter's still proud but amused, I think, as to what Dad's doing. Yeah? So, no, it's an interesting one. But yeah, no, I'm lucky there. I've got got great support.

Dave Barr  04:00

Yeah, I think that's all the all the more important. If you've got people backing you, then it helps take some of the pressure off. So talking about pressure and staying calm, obviously, that's the traits of an effective leader. Most people think, oh, this guy is always calm under pressure. That's kind of, you know, an important feature. Can you describe a method or a mindset shift that helps leaders maintain their composure and make clear decisions when they are immersed in stressful situations.

Matt Sturgess  04:30

Yeah, before I get into the techniques, I guess there's three layers that I normally talk to. We won't go through all of them because we haven't got time for that. But the first one, which is what we're going to cover today, is, is in the moment. You know when you when you're in it, and you're thinking, God, I'm not, not in a great place. What do you do, just to calm, calm your mind down. The other one is about creating habits which are which I've showed people out of that, quite simply, so that your default, when your brain says, Oh, God, this is happening. It looks up in this index, it says, This is how we respond. It's panic, or it's fear, or whatever it is, is actually changing that response, o then it becomes more more automatic. And also you can do some things that actually permanently change the wiring in your brain, with gratitude and things like that, where actually the part of your brain that has got a more rational approach to things, gets stronger, and they shown this with with scans, and the part of the brain, the amygdala, that's the sort of fight and flight actually shrinks in size. So there's sort of three layers to that. So it's always good to have the automatic systems working as well as the right. Oh, my God, what am I going to do? But yeah. So, so there's a number of different things that I've used over the years, and I try to use things that are quite sort of practical. So so one of them is, I tend to do outside. You don't have to, but it's, I go outside and I'm thinking, God, you know, I've just done an awful conversation, or terrible meeting or whatever it is, and the first thing I do is to use my senses, 5, 4, 3, 2, 1, which I'll explain. So I just look. I just notice five things. I know that sounds really odd, but when your mind's thrashing around with God, that meeting went bad, or this conversation I wish I, just forcing yourself to look. And if you're out in nature, just say, right, I can see a bird in that tree. I can see a car. It forces your head to get out of all the stuff that's going on. So think so I noticed five things that I can see. Then I noticed four things that I can hear. So you start saying, Oh, I could hear a tire screech over there. Somebody know what they're doing. I can hear the wind blowing near my ears. It's quite a breezy day. Then three things you can feel so quite often, because I quite often walk with me, hands in my pocket. I can feel my keys in my pocket, or I can feel the warmth of my socks or something like that. And then it gets a little bit more interesting when you do do the other senses, in terms of two things that you can smell, because I've got an appalling sense of smell, but sometimes, when there's gas leaks and things, I just don't notice them, and then one thing that you can taste, so it might be something that you've had for breakfast, but although it might sound silly, but it's a way of giving yourself a structure to pull your thinking away from all the stuff that's going on. So another one that's really, sounds really basic, but I used a lot, particularly in a very difficult time in my life, was because your mind tends to go back to the past or the future. So it might be thinking about a meeting that's coming up, or a difficult conversation, or it goes back to something you wish you'd done differently. Now we know rationally that past and future don't actually exist. It's just a construct in our head, but it feels real, the emotions, the impact is the same. So getting your head back to where you are, so I'd literally again, I'd have to do this outside, I go for a walk. I would look down at my feet, and ask myself in my head, I don't tend to do out loud. You can do if you want. Where am I right now? And ask myself that question. So particularly at the time I was going through a really difficult time I was in, we were living in Shropshire, so the answer to my question quite often would be, I'm in Shropshire in the middle of a field because I was up for a walk. That is my current reality. It is not this that I'm worrying about. All that that is my current reality right now. So Darren Brown has a variation the theme of that. It's asking yourself the question, Do I have a problem right now? So it's that sort of immediacy. And one of the ones that I don't know where I came across this, how I discovered it, but it was, it was quite profound for me is thoughts aren't facts. Okay? Because the number of times you have a thought you you go with it, oh god, this is going to happen, this and all this. And then I suddenly thought, actually, thoughts aren't facts. I sort of label them as factual because they're in my head. They're my thoughts, so they're quite precious and valuable. But thoughts aren't facts, and your brain is very good at coming up with all sorts of distortions of reality. So quite often, I just say that phrase to myself, thoughts aren't facts, and then I just ask myself, Is it my current reality? I mean literally, my current reality in this moment, not am I going to run out of money tomorrow, or that sort of thinking, or is it the thought that's causing my stress? And 98% of the time, unless you're unfortunate enough to be in a war zone or something like that, it's the thought. So that's just a way of just zooming your mind back into, you know that that sort of reality that you're in at the moment? And quite often, although these things sound simple, they're simple for a reason, because they work, because otherwise our minds just shoot off.

Dave Barr  09:20

That's it's quite, quite interesting that we're talking about, almost distractions, in some respect, to get your mind away from things. Now, I don't know about you, but certainly it when it's night. Night time is the worst time for me, because there's, I guess, very little going on this. Your eyes are closed. You're trying to get asleep. Your head's got the ability then, to just whirl away and it's, you know, horrendous, you know, I'll wake up at two, three o'clock in the morning thinking about something, and can't get it out my head, for love, nor money. Now it's almost a case of your self destructing, you know. Why are you worring about all these things in the middle of the night, you know? Why is the brain doing it to itself? Why is it stressing the body out? Can you kind of explain, or do you understand what? What is going on there?

Matt Sturgess  10:09

Yeah, yeah. In very simplistic terms, the makeup of the brain is quite complex, but you've got an older part of the brain, which is where the unconscious mind is, and you've got a more modern part that's where the conscious brain is. The conscious brain is the rational one that says, you know, if you if you watch a film and you see someone being chased and your heart's racing, the rational part is, you know, come on, that it's a film. You know, we know it's not reality, whereas the unconscious part doesn't know that it behaves the same way to reality or imagination. Hence, when you see a film and your heart races, that's that part of the brain. And also when you get nightmares. Now, as as you get closer to sleep, and also when you're starting to wake up, your conscious brain is starting to actually go to sleep. So you're as you're once you're fully, fully asleep, it's your unconscious brain that's in full control. So that capacity, I call it, that theatre of drama, of this can happen. That can happen is it sort of full tilt, so you haven't got the rational brain able, unless you sort of wait, wake up and you sort of come to a bit to say, Well, hang on, Steady on, steady on. So, so you haven't got that part of the brain. So that's why that happens, and that's why it's quite real and visceral when, when people have nightmares, because that part of the brain, say, just behaves the same way as if it's real or imagined, which you can actually use to your advantage, which we won't cover today. But so one thing that, one practical thing you can do. I've done this for seven and a half years now. So every, every night, before I go to bed, I've got a little A5 journal, and I write the date, today's date, underline it, and I put three bullet points of things that I'm grateful for, really simple things. And it does a couple of things. One, it focuses your mind to think about that, not the problem that you were thinking about just before you went to sleep. Oh, God. You know which wish that sales meeting had gone better, or whatever it was. So it gets you sort of thinking about that as you start to do it more often. There's another part of the brain called the reticular activating system, which helps you focus on things that you tell it are valuable. So if you tell it gratitude is valuable, it will search out more of those things. Now that's part of the unconscious brain. So you're also telling that when you go into sleep. Have a look around for me. Were you for things that you know I'm grateful for? Have a look for more of those. So you're actually instructing your brain, and as you as you do more of that. This comes back to one of the points I may be for. In terms of science, you actually train change the structure of your brain. So after, even after 60 days of practicing gratitude. Part of the brain, the Anterior Cingulate Cortex, ACC, gets stronger. That's one of your rational bits. And the amygdala actually starts to shrink in size. So yeah, it's, I understand what you're saying.

Dave Barr  12:54

So yeah, it's quite curious that it almost feels like you're self destructive. You know the brain is working almost against you, and you know you just want to get these things out your head and have a good night's sleep and worry about it the next day. Some people have that ability. Many do not. And that's something that I certainly empathize those who struggle with it. And so does my wife struggle with it?

Matt Sturgess  13:16

Yeah, I mean, another thing you can try that I don't do much, I used to do in the past, but couple of hours before you go to sleep, not just before you go to sleep, is just write down on a bit of scrap paper the things that are bothering you. Just just bullet point and screw them up and chuck them in the bin. Because you're one, you sort of get them out a little bit. And you're also, I know it sounds odd, but you're the the unconscious brain works with images and emotions. That's how you program it. So seeing the image of it going in the bin is telling your unconscious brain, forget this. Ignore it for now. It's not important. I've just put it in the bin. So it sounds silly, but, but the science behind that is is actually so it's and then, and on top of gratitude, just do a couple, I don't know, read a book or something, or rather, or something that I don't know, look at some pictures of a holiday you're planning or something positive for, I don't know, a party you're you're looking forward to going to, and just get your mind to sort of be think of that so it's nudging it in the right direction.

Dave Barr  14:17

Yeah, that makes sense. Yeah. I'll certainly try that. You mentioned something earlier about difficult meetings, and obviously, as a business owner or a leader, you've got to deal with both difficult people and managing challenging meetings. And those things can be pretty stressful, and they're full on and they're right in front of you at the time, so managing that situation can be challenging. So do you have some top strategies for when you trying to maintain control and achieve a productive outcome to the meeting, rather than let perhaps your emotions, your initial reactions, take over and maybe even make things worse?

Matt Sturgess  14:56

Yeah, there's a couple of things. So one or two might seem a bit strange. Got to explain what why they work. So one just off top of my head, particularly, if you if there's a person that really gets you wound up that you know, it's just the thought of being in their presence sort of gets you going. And I'm thinking of someone in particular that I used to work with. How we respond is this one thing we have control of, because you can't control that person. You've got no control of it. So how you respond is something we have full control over. So one, one very simple thing is, is, particularly if they're, you know, really unpleasant people, is I, my response "I choose to have" those words are important that "I choose to have" is to feel utter sympathy for them that something horrible must have happened in their life that is such an obnoxious person, and I feel utter sympathy. So my response has changed from God, you just, you know, well, me up and I can't stand you to, all that sort of stuff, to oh, my God, you know, I feel so sorry for you. So now you've gone from anger or stress to a more calm response and feeling utter sympathy. And the weird thing is, because your body language has changed, there's a thing called mirror neurons, where people pick up on what other people do. They'll notice unconsciously you a bit calm thing, oh, he's he's not he, or she's not so wound up as saying, or if, particularly if they're an unpleasant person, they enjoy that, and they'll respond differently as well. So so that's one thing, because it's difficult when you don't feel in control, but we are in control of our response, so just sort of feel sympathy. So a slightly more unusual one that I love doing. It's so funny, and it always amuses me how many times it works, particularly if you've got a meeting that gets very fractious. The first time I ever used it, we had a negotiation with a very good customer. I was the MD that the customer MD was there. We got on really well, but our two colleagues were at hammer and tongs each other trying to impress each of us of how brilliant they were in their sales negotiation. I thought she's getting nowhere just doing it. So I said, both of you stand up, and I want you to swap seats. You sit in his seat. You sit in his seat. And they sort of looked at me, one of the guy that two guys that worked for me sort of half knew I'm a bit strange like that. Anyway. So So he went, Okay, and they sat down. I said, right. Okay, carry on. And they they start off with oh, you know, that point goes maybe, oh, actually, you know, that's interesting. You made an interesting point there earlier. And it changes because they physically change spaces. There's a bit of psychology that goes on in the mind. They can't help but start to understand it slightly from the other person's perspective. So when they're about to start to go hammer and tong, they can't help but think about the other person's point of view. It's not, you know, it varies from but it's just it, the number of times I've I've done that, it's just fascinating. So, yeah, that's a great one if you've got a team meeting and but be prepared to do it yourself. Yeah, walk your seat as well.

Dave Barr  17:59

That's quite interesting, because I've used something similar in a negotiation where the normal stance is you and your team sit on one side of the table, and obviously the supplier will sit on the other. And on occasions when I know this is going to be very challenging, might be some history that's built up. I don't sit on the opposite side. I may just sit next to one of the directors from the suppliers. So I'm almost, you know, imagine it being a round table now, I'm not opposite, I'm beside them. And I've still got my guys, you know, if I've got anybody there, maybe from production, or wherever it might be, in the usual position. But changing my position is it gets a very different dynamic in the in the meeting, I'm not opposing because I'm not directly opposite them, and I've it's almost like I'm, I say, on their side, but I'm with them. And so people aren't in a position where they can shout at you directly, you know, project themselves across you, because you're not, you know, directly opposite them other your team may be, but you're not, and suddenly the tone of the meetings will change. Everything is a lot calmer. Is that something that is to do with this kind of psychology?

Matt Sturgess  19:15

It is, yeah, because you're, you're you're changing the dynamic of the meeting, but the fact that you're sitting next to that person, you're now, it's almost like sort of going back to sort of cave people times. It's almost like sort of tribal warfare. You're in the other tribe. It's now, oh, hang on, it might not be. He might be. He might be in my tribe. I'm not sure he's just at set next. So it unconsciously changes how that person maps you in their brain. Because we all map people as, you know, he's the boss, she's the boss, whatever they're in this role, this department. So it actually changes how they how they map you. So, so it might be that, oh god, they're coming in to, you know, give me a hard time. And so, yeah, it does interesting. The other one, there's not so much to do with stress, but certainly negotiation that I always did. Instinctually is when to avoid a them and us, type discussion, price, supply, whatever it is is, I always try to define, what's the problem that we're jointly trying to solve. And I actually used to point to it as if it was in the middle of the table. Yeah. And sometimes I get a bit of paper and deliberately draw something a diagram and put it in the middle. So it's like we together are trying to solve this problem. It's not me trying to get a better price from you or whatever it is. We're trying to solve a problem. And I used to spend quite a bit of time having that conversation, because, again, that changes the dynamic so significantly, because now you're in it together.

Dave Barr  20:36

Yeah, and that's when I use the word collaboration, because you're all trying to solve the solution. You're not trying to just score points. In some respects, many people would do that.

Matt Sturgess  20:46

But there's another two things that I think are quite useful, and it's to do with communication and things like that. So we all understand the world differently, and on the whole, most people are either visual, kinesthetic, touch and feel, or audio, but they will tell you in their language. So I will quite often say, I see what you mean. That paints a picture is telling you I understand the world visually. If you draw me a picture, a diagram, show me what the problem is. I'll understand it far quickly than if you tell me. If someone says to you that rings a bell that just doesn't chime with me, they're telling you they're audible. Yeah. And if they say, I can't get a grip of this. It just doesn't feel right. They're telling you they're kinesthetic. So if you're broadcasting in pictures, which is my default mode, and they're understanding the world kinesthetically, they're thinking, I can't I can't grab hold of this picture. He's painting me a picture. I can't grab hold of it. Literally, I can't grab hold of it. So either if either pick up on what other people's way of communicating is, or just just vary it. That's the easiest thing, particularly if you're doing presentations, and which is a difficult thing, because we've all got a particular most people tend to have one, sometimes two preferences. Occasionally it's smell and taste, but it's very rare. So I wouldn't, wouldn't worry about that one and the other, the other one is in terms of thinking styles. So whether it's Myers, Briggs, insights, I use a thing called epigenetics. We all have a different way of thinking. So trying to understand your audience. So because I'm quite an analytical person, the question in my head is always why I need to understand why? If I can't get past that, I can't understand it properly. Now, my wife doesn't think like that. So explaining to her why something works is of no value to her whatsoever. She's a how person? How do I do this? So task orientated, you get other people that far more sort of socially integrated. So it's who's going to do this, who's going to be part of this team. And then you get other people, and it's another trait with me is, what if they're very conceptual? Oh, what if we do this? What if we do that? So if you sometimes, if you make sure that you're whatever you're discussing, you've answered the question of, why? how? Who and What if, assuming you've got that broad spectrum of the audience, you're more likely to have everybody on board with you. Otherwise, somebody's going to be sitting there thinking, he hasn't explained the the why bit yet. I've just, I've just ignoring what he said. But still, it gets, gets to the why? A bit I'm out of this. Yeah.

Dave Barr  23:06

That's really good. I love that example you've given there. Yeah, that makes a lot of sense, because you can have very different people in the room from different backgrounds. Should you say? Some are production, some are finance, some you know, can be from HR, all of them will pretty much behave in a different way. So addressing those areas you just mentioned, you're trying to make sure you're got some sort of empathy building with each and all of them in some respects.

Matt Sturgess  23:35

Yeah, no, absolutely. So, I mean, particularly for me. I mean, it's strange, mine's actually changed, though, over years, but because my default was used to be particularly analytical with an engineering background, that deep question of why. So the type of people that would typically wind me up a bit more would be the how people, because they're very task orientated. What's the plan when you're going to do it? I don't really not interested in why we're doing it, or the objectives, or what the budget is thus, it's like, what's the plan? Do it process? Bang, bang, bang. So that So you find that when it's particularly an opposite way of understanding from from one perspective, you think, wow, hang on. They're just, they're just a bit rude. They haven't listened to my how bit they're also thinking, Well, why don't you just get on with it. I just understand what's back in about. Just get on with it, will you. So both points of view are equally valid, but they're just different. And when you get that, you also realize, Oh, they're not just a ruder box person. They just understand the world differently to me, which is, again, absolutely fine, and particularly when you've got a team dynamic, when you get that, you can understand the people that have got the attributes and skills that don't come more naturally to us. And you think, brilliant, I'll come along, because I find that bit challenging. So you can you help me with this bit please? Yeah.

Dave Barr  24:52

Brilliant. Now something else that I've become to appreciate more particularly when you're a new business owner, you. You're trying to start something up, you are overwhelmed with everything that you need to do. And I've met lots of new business owners recently, and the stress they're going through because they have 1001 tasks, they got plates spinning everywhere, completely overwhelmed and to the point where they're not coping, and that's the time when they're most likely to, you know, throw in the card and throw in the towel, so to speak. And how they deal with it is very difficult. They're almost paralyzed in their decision making, and so their performance really drops off because they're not achieving anything. Nothing's moving forward. So what kind of practical steps do you recommend for the leaders in that kind of position, how do they regain focus? Make the priority decisions, keep being resourceful and proactive when they are surrounded with this swirling mess of decisions that they're facing.

Matt Sturgess  25:54

Yeah, no, it's interesting, and the science behind it is quite because when we get stressed, we release cortisol, and that has a number of impacts on it. It messes around with our immune system because but basically, when you cortisol is there for the fight and flight system so you don't need healing wounds is not important. So it suspends that. It also suspends things like digestion, which is why sometimes people get, you know, upset stomachs or just that horrible sort of churning feeling as well. And it also messes about with your memory, because what it does, it says, All you need to remember is the last time you were attacked like this. All the other stuff is so that's why, when people, particularly if they're giving presentations and things like that, stuff just goes out of their head, because your brains go, no, no, no, all you need to do is remember is the last time you're attacked. That's that's just so I guess the first thing is to recognize it's not just you. It happens to everyone, and a number of I know it's not quite anxiety, but all these things that have melding, the number of times that I've spoken to people with anxiety, and they're quite often sort of lean in, so is it? Is it just me? No, it's not. Everyone gets it at different times, different ways, different stages. It's, it's a bit like the post office scandal, when the poor devils that were being prosecuted. It's just me. No, actually, there's a whole group of you. It's so, yeah, so that's the that's the first part. So I think that I'll refer us back to to some of those calming techniques we spoke about before, because when you're in that pickle, the first thing is to just sort of get yourself back into a sort of calming point. One thing you can do, which I don't tend to use a lot myself, but actually, breathing techniques work really well, because we've got two systems, the parasympathetic nervous system and the sympathetic nervous system, the sympathetic nervous system is the default one, which is the fight flight system. The parasympathetic is actually invoked by breathing techniques. If people want to look up breathing it does actually tell the brain, you know that's going to calm mode. So that there is a lot of science in that. And another one, which is really odd but interesting, is linked to that is, if you imagine pushing your tongue up into the roof of your mouth to the to the top, just behind your teeth, that's a great way of giving your brain a bit of a pause. For two reasons, when we're having a go at ourselves, we quite often use a bit of self talk. And when we're self talking, our tongue does actually move a bit as if we're actually talking only, only small. So jamming it up into the top there is stopping some of that. And the parasympathetic and the sympathetic nervous system meet at the base of the tongue, so it's actually given a bit of a signal to that sort of calmed down so that that's one, but one of the, one of the more practical things I do, and I'm tending to use this more and more in coaching. I've used it myself quite a bit. So Arthur Ashe, the famous American tennis star I never ever actually watched, I don't I've done a few of them have come across the quote, start where you are, use what you have and do what you can. Start where you are, use what you have and do what you can, which I think is brilliant, but particularly when you're overwhelmed, it's a case of, it's a way of being able to actually put that together so that so start where you are is actually sitting down and just rationally thinking, Well, where am I? Well, at the moment, I'm at home or whatever. I've got certain amount of money in the bank, you know, I've got two orders coming into the future, got family that love me, whatever it is. So that's your sort of base camp of getting your rational brain back in control by just sort of recognizing that whatever those facts are, use what you have, I tend to then go through, well, what have I got? Well, I've got a couple of leads. I've got this idea. I've got the and actually start listing them out. So it starts changing your focus in terms of, I have, because your brain when you're getting stressed out, saying, Oh, I haven't got this. It's all doom, and that's going to go wrong. But now it's like, well, actually, there are, there is stuff. I've got that. Start sort of listing it down, and then do what you can. Is about just taking one or two very simple steps forward. And I mean another approach, my dear old Nan told me she I was eight when I lost my Nan. And this was obviously important, because she imparted to this to me, and I still remember it. And she went to some horrific things in her life. And she said to me, when you when you're really in the middle of something really bad, look for the one opportunity that will come out of it. She said, for two reasons. One, there will actually be an opportunity. Two, it focuses your mind on one thing rather than all this other stuff. And it just sort of puts yourself in a better place. So that's one that I often think about, and in the same vein, particularly if you're really struggling with something, and you also got other things going on, maybe at home and the family, as well as the business sort of side of things. When you're trying to put it into context, I was having this conversation with a homeless chap the other day. He shared all sorts of things that happened to him. And something I've used is just ask yourself this question, nobody would have wished all those horrible things to happen and stuff like that, but it has what will all that experience that you've just gone through equip you to do in the future that would never have been possible if you hadn't have gone through that? What would it equip you to do? Because that starts to then give us some rationale, some sense of purpose for what it whatever it is we're going through. So I don't sort of gone around the houses. I've sort of gone a bit beyond sort of overwhelming work. But sometimes it is all mixed up in other things. You know, I don't know, medical issues, all sorts of other stuff that's sort of going on. But the final one I think about is, imagine taking a penalty, you've got two options, the ball going in the back of the net, or it missing. And I mean missing, because I don't like it when they say someone's missed a penalty and someone saved it, I mean a proper miss, you've missed the net. And those, those are the options you've got. Now, I was very good thinking about missing the penalty. What could go wrong? Oh god, you know what if this happens, all this sort of stuff, rather than the ball going on the back of the net. Now, the reason I mentioned that is coming back to another point I've said before. The reticular activating system focuses on what you program it with, and it's and it's it's programmed by images and emotion. So if you keep coming up with an image of you missing the net, it says, Oh, fine, that's what you want. I'll look out for opportunities to help you with that. If you come up with images that are equivalent to the ball going in the back of the net, it will support you with that as well. So just being aware of that and nudging your thoughts so you've got more that are going in the back of the net rather than missing the penalties, something that because we all want to be in control, but we can actually be in control with a bit of practice. Of those thoughts, takes a bit of practice. It's not, not always easy, but it's that's something that we can sort of control. So yeah.

Dave Barr  33:00

That's really good. Now you've got a book. You published a book in December of 22 it's called "Life Transforming, Nuclear Powered Resilience". Can you give us a quick flavor? I'm sure you'll say when everything I've said has been today has been in the book. But can you give us a very brief overview of the kind of chapters and subject matter that people would be interested to discover.

Matt Sturgess  33:23

Yeah sure. Um, first of all, it was inspired by helping a friend during covid that had undergone a unbenownst to me, a childhood trauma 60 years earlier, spent a fortune on God knows how, much therapy and everything else bless him, and nothing had worked. And I just shared this one habit with him that was a theory of mine based on a bit of science, and it transformed his life. So that the biggest part of the book about that, but it's not just about people who've been through a trauma. It's about self confidence, and it's based on how we understand unconditional love and things like that. But I've packed a lot more into there about the basics of how the brain works. So you go, ah, that explains a lot. That's why this does or doesn't happen. And there's all sorts of techniques in there for helping with anxiety and things like that. And again. So I've, I've structured the book deliberately for people like me who want to understand why and how, and people like my lovely wife that just says, Just tell me how to do it. So it's structured, so if you want to skip the background sort of sciency bits, you can and just sort of get get to the sort of main event. But yeah, it's a bit of a user guide for the mind helps you just generally, with all sorts of techniques, some of which we've covered today, some some different ones, but also self confidence and or if it was some sort of form a way of giving you something quite unique. And I called it nuclear power resilience, because I realized how I help people with this is something I had from my childhood, what it did for me. And it does feel like I've got a nuclear reactor in me, in terms of, sort of, when the chips are down, I've got that place that I can go in with leave. But no, but nothing or nobody can get to me. 

Dave Barr  35:02

Yeah, interesting. So before I ask the last question, Where would people find more about what you do? Can you share your website and social media?

Matt Sturgess  35:13

Yeah, sure. So my my website is "mindlocksmith", in one word.com so there's, there's lots of material there, but most of my materials on my LinkedIn page. So it's Matt with Two T's, Sturgis, S, T, U, R, G, E, Double S, and I call myself the "mind locksmith". So if there are some other maps that come up, then that you'll find me there, but there's all sorts of resources I post every day. I've done for about 18 months now. So there's a whole load of backlog of information there, and there's a link to my free weekly newsletter as well. Saturday Solace. So that's, that's a great resource, yeah, and I'm, I'm coming up with some new things, some new new projects, so it will all appear on there as and when I do that. 

Dave Barr  35:56

So excellent. I'll follow that then. So the last question we all want to hear moments when something switches in your head. Perhaps you have a particular breakthrough moment that happens. You have an epiphany of some sort. And what was your breakthrough moment or epiphany when you started studying how the mind works, but then suddenly got it and were able to apply the kind of techniques you talked about today.

Matt Sturgess  36:22

Yes, so it's interesting. So I started this journey about 10 years ago. Started reading lots of stuff and trying to boil it down into something useful and really practical, actionable. And then must have been six and a half years ago. Now, I think we're still living in Shropshire. Then even they were from the originally from the south coast, and my wife got diagnosed with cancer, with breast cancer, and at that time it was quite advanced, ish, he says, in a very non technical way. So naturally we're thinking, My God, at that stage, I'd actually just started working for myself, just started to build up a business. But I thought, actually, none of that matters. I've just gotta be there for my wife, be there for our daughter. Was quite, quite young then, and sort of get through it. So ironically, the techniques in particular, which will be another book at some point, seven ways of thinking that trip you up and how to untangle yourself. I come up with seven ways of thinking that really mess up how you feel and get you into mess. And I thought, Oh, I actually need this stuff, and I need it now. So it gone from theory and some very strong structures that I'd put together to me using it first hand and developing it. So I often describe it as using it under live fire conditions. So so that one I said about looking down at your feet and asking, Where are you now? I can picture myself now in a field in Shropshire, where, prior to that, my mind is thinking, God, what's going to happen to Wendy? Is it going this way or that way? And because I'd stopped working, we're running out of money. We're going to have to sell the hell all sorts of stuff. But it's just zoomed my mind back into the reality of, no, I'm stuck in a field in Shropshire that this current moment in time my wife is still alive. That blunt was the thinking in my head, and she's getting treatment. That is the reality. All the other stuff is conjecture, postulation and all the and because I was very good at that type of thinking. So yeah, so that was the big breakthrough, I think, but also the fundamental thing for me was that I could control my thoughts. Up until then, I assume thoughts just pops into your head randomly. They are what they are, if they're good ones, brilliant, enjoy them if they're not. Oh, well, never mind. I'll just have to muddle through. But I suddenly realized that actually, I can control my thoughts and my thinking, takes a bit of practice, takes the in the techniques, but it's actually a lot easier than I thought. And I think that was the real pivotal moment for me, is actually I've got some control over this, and I know, actually now know how to do this. And that was quite startling. I'm thinking, wow. Coming back to my earlier point, my user guide, I've actually got a user guide from my mind. I know how to do this, and it's actually quite the engineering me. Thought was quite fun as well as hugely practical. So yeah. So that was my pivotal moment.

Dave Barr  39:16

Brilliant. Well, that's fascinating. A difficult time for you, obviously, but the fact that you've applied your your own teachings, you clearly are a master of it because you controlled yourself. So that's wonderful news. And obviously it's wonderful news that your wife is much better. So that's even better to be Well, Matt, I think that's been really interesting. I think people should go out have a look at for your book now, follow your work, your website and LinkedIn. I think a lot of people could get some benefit from that. So I can say is thank you very much for sharing all your knowledge and techniques today. I'm sure it's going to be a very great use for many people.

Matt Sturgess  39:53

No absolute pleasure. Thank you. Cheers. Dave, bye, bye.

Dave Barr  39:57

So there's another Real Life Buyer our podcast, I do hope you enjoyed it, and it has given you some ideas and inspiration for greater action and achievement. Don't forget to subscribe so you don't miss out on future episodes and a five star review would be most appreciated if you would like to discover more about me and what I do. Take a look at www.thereallife buyer.co.uk. Bye, bye.