Hey guys, and welcome back to another episode of your Brains Coach podcast. My name is Angela Shurina, I'm your host, I'm your Brains Coach and it is my job here to bring to you all the best, recent, cutting-edge, most interesting, useful and applicable to your life, enriching brain-body tools so you could take better control of your thoughts, of your emotions, of your efforts, of your decision-making process, of your choices. We're going to talk a lot about choices today so you could create the life experience that you absolutely love living, the life experience that you absolutely love living. Folks, today's podcast is all about choices. It's all about making the choices that your future self would thank you for, that your future self would be proud of, not just the choices that make you feel good now. And sometimes, as we'll talk more about, that choice that feels good now is stealing the future that you say you want most. So how do we avoid this trap of very often making the choice that also seems to be quite good and aligned with who we are and what we value, like perhaps our relationships or our health or our joy of living, and expressing our true nature through different hobbies and pursuits, right? So, when we progress in life, this is what I'm learning in my personal journey and also from my clients and listening and learning from so many thought leaders in different arenas. So what I'm learning is, the more you progress in life, the more harder choices you'll have to make. This reminds me of the saying by Jersey Gregorick he is an Olympic coach, lifter, has this beautiful training, living, happy life system. This quote I love it. I always repeat it to myself, to my clients, whenever we need to think about harder choices. So Jersey has this saying hard choices, easy life, easy choices, hard life. And I think only now I'm starting to truly grasp what he's talking about here, because it's not always that obvious that this is a hard choice that creates your easy, more fulfilling, more meaningful life in the future. And some other choice is an easy choice that actually creates down the road, heart of life with more regrets, more confusion, less meaning, less fulfillment.
Speaker 1But let me start with something else, with personal story, with a little bit of my childhood. So when I was a kid and folks, I personally don't know any person whose childhood was just perfect, right, and they didn't have any micro, perhaps traumas or challenges, and it just was smooth. Most of us had challenges. And so when I was a kid, I developed this strategy of coping with the present by escaping into the future, by thinking about what my life can look like, what am I excited about, what are the things that I want to build, what are the things that are in my control. So I would envision that better future, something that I could hold on to until I perhaps figure, present out or it gets easier. Because as a kid, you're in this position where you're going through challenges and you might be witnessing rough things in your family or in the world, but as a kid you didn't have much of a say in it. You can't change much. You're a kid, right, your ability to change things is very limited at this point. And so we developed different coping mechanisms to deal with this fact, and so I developed this coping mechanism. I didn't realize it was at that time that I would focus on the future. I would create the visions, the stories about the future, and then today, in the present, I would focus on putting in the actions that most likely would lead to that future.
Speaker 1I developed this coping strategy of living mentally and emotionally, of being driven by my future, to have easier time dealing with the present. That I didn't always understand and didn't always have the capacity to change in any meaningful way, and then fast forward three decades later or so, and then fast forward three decades later or so. This is my superpower in the world of instant gratification, where everything screams for your attention right now, everything which is not necessarily at all, in most cases, aligned with the future. You say you want most, and so now I use it in my life, in my business, in my relationships, and it's in my health, and it serves me real well. That's how I find maintaining healthy habits and making trade-off choices like not eating that dessert I find it easy because that's what I've been practicing since I was a kid. I would create a plan and I would focus on building that plan, no matter what the present was. So that became my superpower, a superpower that I teach now as a coach, and people think that I have this discipline. Well, it's something that I've been practicing since I was a kid building the future that I want with my actions today. So it has actually very little to do with real discipline. For me, it's all about building the future I want.
Speaker 1But, as I realized, as I progressed in life, as I talked to many more people, I realized that is not the default for most people. Most people prefer to and choose, which from evolutionary perspective actually makes sense that you would take care of the present before you take care of the future, which again, in my case, is the opposite. So I tend to live more in the future, which also can backfire sometimes, and not address the present. But more often than not it actually plays in my favor and more people realize that they need to develop that more of a long-term thinking and perspective versus short-term. That comes naturally to our ancient brain that was more concerned with today's survival versus long-term future planning. Anyhow, back to now.
Speaker 1Here's the thing. Very often my clients would tell me Angela, how do I develop this discipline of saying no to the people that I enjoy, like my friends or maybe my co-workers or my relatives, my family? How do I develop the discipline to say no to them, to certain things, so I could say yes to my number one priority? How do I develop this discipline of sticking with my long-term commitments when things in the present almost demand my attention? Here are a few more examples to help you understand this.
Speaker 1Casual coffee dates with people you love, not people you hate, again, when you are progressing in life, it's not about the choice between what you don't want like people you hate, and what you want like your career. No, it's between the choice of what you like and what you want the most like casual coffees with friends, with co-workers, with interesting people. But sometimes you've got an important project like a presentation or a talk in four weeks and you need to put in the reps, you need to put in the practice and say no to those casual coffees that you also like with people you like and admire, or getting in your top health and fitness shape. You might have to say a lot of no's to dinners, to birthday parties, to those drinks with your buddies and friends, to your grandma's cookies yeah, you can try the cookie, but if you're going to eat every cookie that your grandma offers you, that's not going to play well with your long-term health and fitness goals or relationships that matter most. Like choosing to work on your key relationships your family, your partner, your kids, which isn't always easy at all. So choosing to work on that versus hanging out with friends, with co-workers, doing fun activities solo, which are also a part of your life, of your mission statement, of things you enjoy, right, but sometimes you need to say no to those things so you could develop deeper key relationships in your life, depth over quantity, quality time in your key relationships over fun stuff that you can do with your buddies.
Speaker 1Having a dream, building a vision, you're building a business and you might have to say no to bigger salary or more rewards for a couple of years, sometimes for a decade. You have to barely pay yourself to build something that would, in the long run, bring to you this ultimate meaning and fulfillment and, yes, probably a lot more rewards. But for quite some time and without any guarantee, you will have to say no to all of these pleasures that life has to offer. And the list goes on and on and on. So my clients would ask me so how do you develop the discipline for hard choices? How do you even see them when they're there, the choices that your future self will be proud of? And just like with getting good at anything else, practice, practice, practice.
Speaker 1But how do you start? What's the framework, what's the structure that is helpful in your day-to-day living? Well, the first step to start practicing is noticing, acknowledging the trade-offs and being a little bit slower. That's where meditation and breath work and mindfulness practices help Becoming more aware of those choices, not blasting off yes as soon as you are asked what I usually do these days. When somebody asks me can you do this? I'm like you know, can I get back to you in the next 10 minutes? I just need to check my schedule and everything. I'm like, yeah, sure, and people are actually very okay with that because they understand that there are things that you can be committed and working on that, not necessarily on the top of your mind, right? So acknowledging the trade-offs and making choices slower Again. For me, what helps is not saying yes or no, but just asking for the time to check in with myself and what I'm working on. The second step is then learning to time travel in your mind and thinking about your future self and asking what would future Angela be proud of? What does she want? What would she thank me for that Angela that I am becoming, and recognizing that there might be conflict between that future self and between the choices that you make consistently.
Speaker 1The third step is choosing a new communication strategy. I really love it. I learned it from one of the top conflict negotiators, the author of the book Possible how to, I think, negotiate in the era of conflict, but anyhow. So I learned it from this world-class negotiation practitioner the yes-no-yes framework. So when somebody asks you to do something and you also don't want to necessarily blow them off or come out like a jerk, first you say yes to your commitment.
Speaker 1You say you know I actually have this commitment or a presentation or a talk or this project I'm working on, so I cannot do X then. So you're saying no to that offer, but perhaps we can do this at this day, or can you check back with me on this day and this time? And, folks, sometimes it's going to be a hard no and you're like, you know that's probably never going to happen, but still, you know, check back with me, especially if you are coming from a background of liking to please people. It's one of the actually coping strategies with stress and conflict to say yes to please, even though you know you cannot fulfill that or you're going to be compromising your own priorities, right? So, yes, no, yes, you know I have this talk that I'm doing in two weeks from now and I need to practice to deliver a good job, so I cannot do this right now, but can you check back with me. Can we do that after I'm done with this talk? So, yes, no, yes, start practicing that, be transparent, and that will help you to not feel like a jerk. And also, additional benefit of this practice is that you're going to spell out for yourself while talking to this other person, or maybe writing an email or message, that you're saying no to that offer that they have that you might actually like and want to say yes to. So you are saying no to that because of this other commitment that has more weight. So spelling it out to the other person will help you to spell it out to yourself. Why am I saying no to this thing that I want or I like? Well, because of this other commitment or priority that has more weight. And then, finally, the final step is well, knowledge is power, but it's only potential power. Until you put in the reps, just like in the gym, no muscle will grow. And the final step is put in the reps. So acknowledging your trade-offs, traveling into the future and talking to your future self right, using, yes, no, yes, communication structure and practice, practice, practice.
Speaker 1At first, it's going to feel awkward, it's going to feel uncomfortable and artificially created. It'll not like yourself at all. But guess what? That's just how everything new is supposed to feel. We talk about all this time on this podcast.
Speaker 1When you try a new habit, when you try a new approach, when you experiment with anything, it's not supposed to feel easy or like your second nature. It's a new thing, just like a new suit or a new sneaker. First you wear it like it does not feel like my old ones yeah, because it's new. But then after a while you know that it's gonna feel like your second skin. So will it get easier? Yes, just like anything else. When it becomes a habit it becomes easier. Just like for me, choosing apples over ice cream. It's not even a question. I don't even think about the ice cream. There is no willpower or discipline involved whatsoever. But will it be hard to start? Abso-fucking-lutely One of my favorite phrases from Sex and the City. Yeah, I used to watch a lot more television than now. But yes, it's going to be hard. So be prepared for it to be hard, to be challenging, to push your buttons, to be uncomfortable, but it will get easier.
Speaker 1And when, at the beginning, it's hard, that's where guardrails, where accountability, where scaffolding, where your support systems come into play At first, before you get strong enough to make those choices consistently and habitually. You need to create some sort of accountability, some sort of systems that will make sure that even on your worst day, you'll do the right thing. It's like planting that tree before it grows strong and can stand against the winds of life on its own. You put in place that scaffolding. That's also what your family is when you're growing up as a kid. It's your scaffolding. However good or bad, it's something that supports you until you're strong enough to start living on your own and making your choices and develop the things that you need to develop right. So create those guardrails, safety systems that will protect you in your moments from yourself.
Speaker 1But today, the question to start with, start asking this question yourself on a regular basis. With this yes. What am I saying no to in the future? I say I want most, most. With this, yes. What am I saying no to in the future? I say I won't. With this, yes. What am I saying no to in the future? I say I won't. Just start asking this question and this will start the process.
Speaker 1Re-listen to this podcast episode to get it into your head, to make it solid. Also, in the show notes. There is a link where this whole structure of four steps to make the harder choices easier. This whole structure is in my newsletter that you can read following using the link in the show notes, no sign up required. If you want to have this advice, this kind of things mind, body, work better delivered into your email daily, then you can sign up and also you can see our past issues. So check it out. Link is in the show notes.
Speaker 1It's my daily newsletter newsletter, one email a day that your future self will thank you for. So check it out If you like it, subscribe it so you never miss the important things to make your body, your mind, your work better, with science-backed protocols from all the different disciplines and thought leaders. So check it out, read it today and then stay if you love it. Thank you so much, guys, for listening. Thank you so much for your time, for your attention and for working on yourself, because if you do not work on yourself, the world will not get better. When you work on yourself, you become like this ray of sunshine which uplifts and enlightens a lot of people around yourself. So be the beacon of light.
Speaker 1Check out the link to the newsletter that I send out daily and also share this podcast. Guys, we don't run any ads and probably will never do, because I hate ads and I love to keep it simple as well. So please do share this with other thought leaders, change makers and earth shakers so we collectively could build this culture of growth, mindset of self-improvement and make the world a better place. So one positive impact step for today you could do is sharing this podcast with the right person. Thank you, have an amazing day and don't forget to ask yourself with this yes, what am I saying no to in the future? I say I won't Out and over. Talk to you very soon.