Hey guys , and welcome back to another episode of your Brains Coach podcast . My name is Angela Shurina , I'm your host , I'm your Brains Coach and it is my job here to bring to you all the best , recent , cutting-edge , most interesting , useful and applicable to your life , enriching brain-body tools so you could take better control of your thoughts , of your emotions , of your efforts , of your decision-making process , of your choices . We're going to talk a lot about choices today so you could create the life experience that you absolutely love living , the life experience that you absolutely love living . Folks , today's podcast is all about choices . It's all about making the choices that your future self would thank you for , that your future self would be proud of , not just the choices that make you feel good now . And sometimes , as we'll talk more about , that choice that feels good now is stealing the future that you say you want most . So how do we avoid this trap of very often making the choice that also seems to be quite good and aligned with who we are and what we value , like perhaps our relationships or our health or our joy of living , and expressing our true nature through different hobbies and pursuits , right ? So , when we progress in life , this is what I'm learning in my personal journey and also from my clients and listening and learning from so many thought leaders in different arenas . So what I'm learning is , the more you progress in life , the more harder choices you'll have to make . This reminds me of the saying by Jersey Gregorick he is an Olympic coach , lifter , has this beautiful training , living , happy life system . This quote I love it . I always repeat it to myself , to my clients , whenever we need to think about harder choices . So Jersey has this saying hard choices , easy life , easy choices , hard life . And I think only now I'm starting to truly grasp what he's talking about here , because it's not always that obvious that this is a hard choice that creates your easy , more fulfilling , more meaningful life in the future . And some other choice is an easy choice that actually creates down the road , heart of life with more regrets , more confusion , less meaning , less fulfillment .
Speaker 1But let me start with something else , with personal story , with a little bit of my childhood . So when I was a kid and folks , I personally don't know any person whose childhood was just perfect , right , and they didn't have any micro , perhaps traumas or challenges , and it just was smooth . Most of us had challenges . And so when I was a kid , I developed this strategy of coping with the present by escaping into the future , by thinking about what my life can look like , what am I excited about , what are the things that I want to build , what are the things that are in my control . So I would envision that better future , something that I could hold on to until I perhaps figure , present out or it gets easier . Because as a kid , you're in this position where you're going through challenges and you might be witnessing rough things in your family or in the world , but as a kid you didn't have much of a say in it . You can't change much . You're a kid , right , your ability to change things is very limited at this point . And so we developed different coping mechanisms to deal with this fact , and so I developed this coping mechanism . I didn't realize it was at that time that I would focus on the future . I would create the visions , the stories about the future , and then today , in the present , I would focus on putting in the actions that most likely would lead to that future .
Speaker 1I developed this coping strategy of living mentally and emotionally , of being driven by my future , to have easier time dealing with the present . That I didn't always understand and didn't always have the capacity to change in any meaningful way , and then fast forward three decades later or so , and then fast forward three decades later or so . This is my superpower in the world of instant gratification , where everything screams for your attention right now , everything which is not necessarily at all , in most cases , aligned with the future . You say you want most , and so now I use it in my life , in my business , in my relationships , and it's in my health , and it serves me real well . That's how I find maintaining healthy habits and making trade-off choices like not eating that dessert I find it easy because that's what I've been practicing since I was a kid . I would create a plan and I would focus on building that plan , no matter what the present was . So that became my superpower , a superpower that I teach now as a coach , and people think that I have this discipline . Well , it's something that I've been practicing since I was a kid building the future that I want with my actions today . So it has actually very little to do with real discipline . For me , it's all about building the future I want .
Speaker 1But , as I realized , as I progressed in life , as I talked to many more people , I realized that is not the default for most people . Most people prefer to and choose , which from evolutionary perspective actually makes sense that you would take care of the present before you take care of the future , which again , in my case , is the opposite . So I tend to live more in the future , which also can backfire sometimes , and not address the present . But more often than not it actually plays in my favor and more people realize that they need to develop that more of a long-term thinking and perspective versus short-term . That comes naturally to our ancient brain that was more concerned with today's survival versus long-term future planning . Anyhow , back to now .
Speaker 1Here's the thing . Very often my clients would tell me Angela , how do I develop this discipline of saying no to the people that I enjoy , like my friends or maybe my co-workers or my relatives , my family ? How do I develop the discipline to say no to them , to certain things , so I could say yes to my number one priority ? How do I develop this discipline of sticking with my long-term commitments when things in the present almost demand my attention ? Here are a few more examples to help you understand this .
Speaker 1Casual coffee dates with people you love , not people you hate , again , when you are progressing in life , it's not about the choice between what you don't want like people you hate , and what you want like your career . No , it's between the choice of what you like and what you want the most like casual coffees with friends , with co-workers , with interesting people . But sometimes you've got an important project like a presentation or a talk in four weeks and you need to put in the reps , you need to put in the practice and say no to those casual coffees that you also like with people you like and admire , or getting in your top health and fitness shape . You might have to say a lot of no's to dinners , to birthday parties , to those drinks with your buddies and friends , to your grandma's cookies yeah , you can try the cookie , but if you're going to eat every cookie that your grandma offers you , that's not going to play well with your long-term health and fitness goals or relationships that matter most . Like choosing to work on your key relationships your family , your partner , your kids , which isn't always easy at all . So choosing to work on that versus hanging out with friends , with co-workers , doing fun activities solo , which are also a part of your life , of your mission statement , of things you enjoy , right , but sometimes you need to say no to those things so you could develop deeper key relationships in your life , depth over quantity , quality time in your key relationships over fun stuff that you can do with your buddies .
Speaker 1Having a dream , building a vision , you're building a business and you might have to say no to bigger salary or more rewards for a couple of years , sometimes for a decade . You have to barely pay yourself to build something that would , in the long run , bring to you this ultimate meaning and fulfillment and , yes , probably a lot more rewards . But for quite some time and without any guarantee , you will have to say no to all of these pleasures that life has to offer . And the list goes on and on and on . So my clients would ask me so how do you develop the discipline for hard choices ? How do you even see them when they're there , the choices that your future self will be proud of ? And just like with getting good at anything else , practice , practice , practice .
Speaker 1But how do you start ? What's the framework , what's the structure that is helpful in your day-to-day living ? Well , the first step to start practicing is noticing , acknowledging the trade-offs and being a little bit slower . That's where meditation and breath work and mindfulness practices help Becoming more aware of those choices , not blasting off yes as soon as you are asked what I usually do these days . When somebody asks me can you do this ? I'm like you know , can I get back to you in the next 10 minutes ? I just need to check my schedule and everything . I'm like , yeah , sure , and people are actually very okay with that because they understand that there are things that you can be committed and working on that , not necessarily on the top of your mind , right ? So acknowledging the trade-offs and making choices slower Again . For me , what helps is not saying yes or no , but just asking for the time to check in with myself and what I'm working on . The second step is then learning to time travel in your mind and thinking about your future self and asking what would future Angela be proud of ? What does she want ? What would she thank me for that Angela that I am becoming , and recognizing that there might be conflict between that future self and between the choices that you make consistently .
Speaker 1The third step is choosing a new communication strategy . I really love it . I learned it from one of the top conflict negotiators , the author of the book Possible how to , I think , negotiate in the era of conflict , but anyhow . So I learned it from this world-class negotiation practitioner the yes-no-yes framework . So when somebody asks you to do something and you also don't want to necessarily blow them off or come out like a jerk , first you say yes to your commitment .
Speaker 1You say you know I actually have this commitment or a presentation or a talk or this project I'm working on , so I cannot do X then . So you're saying no to that offer , but perhaps we can do this at this day , or can you check back with me on this day and this time ? And , folks , sometimes it's going to be a hard no and you're like , you know that's probably never going to happen , but still , you know , check back with me , especially if you are coming from a background of liking to please people . It's one of the actually coping strategies with stress and conflict to say yes to please , even though you know you cannot fulfill that or you're going to be compromising your own priorities , right ? So , yes , no , yes , you know I have this talk that I'm doing in two weeks from now and I need to practice to deliver a good job , so I cannot do this right now , but can you check back with me . Can we do that after I'm done with this talk ? So , yes , no , yes , start practicing that , be transparent , and that will help you to not feel like a jerk . And also , additional benefit of this practice is that you're going to spell out for yourself while talking to this other person , or maybe writing an email or message , that you're saying no to that offer that they have that you might actually like and want to say yes to . So you are saying no to that because of this other commitment that has more weight . So spelling it out to the other person will help you to spell it out to yourself . Why am I saying no to this thing that I want or I like ? Well , because of this other commitment or priority that has more weight . And then , finally , the final step is well , knowledge is power , but it's only potential power . Until you put in the reps , just like in the gym , no muscle will grow . And the final step is put in the reps . So acknowledging your trade-offs , traveling into the future and talking to your future self right , using , yes , no , yes , communication structure and practice , practice , practice .
Speaker 1At first , it's going to feel awkward , it's going to feel uncomfortable and artificially created . It'll not like yourself at all . But guess what ? That's just how everything new is supposed to feel . We talk about all this time on this podcast .
Speaker 1When you try a new habit , when you try a new approach , when you experiment with anything , it's not supposed to feel easy or like your second nature . It's a new thing , just like a new suit or a new sneaker . First you wear it like it does not feel like my old ones yeah , because it's new . But then after a while you know that it's gonna feel like your second skin . So will it get easier ? Yes , just like anything else . When it becomes a habit it becomes easier . Just like for me , choosing apples over ice cream . It's not even a question . I don't even think about the ice cream . There is no willpower or discipline involved whatsoever . But will it be hard to start ? Abso-fucking-lutely One of my favorite phrases from Sex and the City . Yeah , I used to watch a lot more television than now . But yes , it's going to be hard . So be prepared for it to be hard , to be challenging , to push your buttons , to be uncomfortable , but it will get easier .
Speaker 1And when , at the beginning , it's hard , that's where guardrails , where accountability , where scaffolding , where your support systems come into play At first , before you get strong enough to make those choices consistently and habitually . You need to create some sort of accountability , some sort of systems that will make sure that even on your worst day , you'll do the right thing . It's like planting that tree before it grows strong and can stand against the winds of life on its own . You put in place that scaffolding . That's also what your family is when you're growing up as a kid . It's your scaffolding . However good or bad , it's something that supports you until you're strong enough to start living on your own and making your choices and develop the things that you need to develop right . So create those guardrails , safety systems that will protect you in your moments from yourself .
Speaker 1But today , the question to start with , start asking this question yourself on a regular basis . With this yes . What am I saying no to in the future ? I say I want most , most . With this , yes . What am I saying no to in the future ? I say I won't . With this , yes . What am I saying no to in the future ? I say I won't . Just start asking this question and this will start the process .
Speaker 1Re-listen to this podcast episode to get it into your head , to make it solid . Also , in the show notes . There is a link where this whole structure of four steps to make the harder choices easier . This whole structure is in my newsletter that you can read following using the link in the show notes , no sign up required . If you want to have this advice , this kind of things mind , body , work better delivered into your email daily , then you can sign up and also you can see our past issues . So check it out . Link is in the show notes .
Speaker 1It's my daily newsletter newsletter , one email a day that your future self will thank you for . So check it out If you like it , subscribe it so you never miss the important things to make your body , your mind , your work better , with science-backed protocols from all the different disciplines and thought leaders . So check it out , read it today and then stay if you love it . Thank you so much , guys , for listening . Thank you so much for your time , for your attention and for working on yourself , because if you do not work on yourself , the world will not get better . When you work on yourself , you become like this ray of sunshine which uplifts and enlightens a lot of people around yourself . So be the beacon of light .
Speaker 1Check out the link to the newsletter that I send out daily and also share this podcast . Guys , we don't run any ads and probably will never do , because I hate ads and I love to keep it simple as well . So please do share this with other thought leaders , change makers and earth shakers so we collectively could build this culture of growth , mindset of self-improvement and make the world a better place . So one positive impact step for today you could do is sharing this podcast with the right person . Thank you , have an amazing day and don't forget to ask yourself with this yes , what am I saying no to in the future ? I say I won't Out and over . Talk to you very soon .