Hey, guys, and welcome back to another episode of Change Wired Podcast. My name is Angela Sharina, I'm your host, I'm your transition, transformation and executive coach, someone who's obsessed with change, growth, improvement, getting the most out of our lives ourselves and every single day. Today, I was thinking, you know, when I wake up and I see a sunny weather and I start thinking to myself, oh, I should probably go rollerblading because the weather is so nice. And then another voice tells me well, let's wait till tomorrow. Today is I don't know. I'm too lazy, I need to consider more things before jumping into action, and in this case, I always remind myself that tomorrow's weather is never guaranteed. And so if you have everything you need today to act, you have everything in your favor, except for this lazy feeling. I should do it tomorrow. It's time, tomorrow it's going to be, for whichever reason, you're going to be more ready. No jump today. Right, if stars are aligned, just do it, because tomorrow is never guaranteed.
Besides that, today we are talking about metacommunication and the secret sauce to being understood. By the end of today's podcast, you're going to have a five-point just five-point checklist to help you be more better understood, and that is so crucial, guys, we so often so underestimate our need or what superpower it is to be understood well and to communicate in a way that makes people get you Get what you're saying. To work in projects together, to move things forward, to build relationships, to organize things. So people get you. And we sometimes think to ourselves well, I wish people would just get me. Well, guess what? There is a big part in it that is yours to control and to work through.
Speaker 1Being understood is not just the responsibility of other people. No, actually it is more responsibility of you, because you know what's in your head and what's on your mind. Other people don't, even though we'd wish sometimes that people would just read our minds, although we would be concerned with privacy of that. But we're like on demand. I wish everybody just would see what's in my mind, but it's not the case until not yet that we can manifest that. But what you can do is to draw those images and pictures in other people's minds with your communication, your whole device, your posture, your body language, your voice, the words, the metacommunication, or communication about communication, telling people what you mean to say, what you want this communication to be, where you want the results to go, telling people the meaning, the intention, and that's how you understood better, faster, and that's how you move things along faster. Whether that's doing something to be together in your leisure time, getting people along to go along with, I don't know your dinner plans or plans for innovation and business projects, I don't know. Brainstorming, like whatever it is. You're trying to move forward.
Speaker 1The first step, and it took me quite a while to understand that. The first step is to be understood, and just because people are nodding their heads, that's not actually a really great sign to assume that people understand. But let's first talk a little bit of background to help you to understand better what you're talking about, why it's important and how to use it better in your daily work, life and personal life. So metacommunication, the language you didn't know you needed. People with limited emotional vocabulary that's what research shows struggle to articulate their feelings. So basically, if you don't have words for describing something, it's very hard for you to even fully understand it yourself, leave alone make other people understand it. If you don't have the words and that's what the research shows you can't express the feeling not reliably or consistently.
Speaker 1It's like cooking If you've never heard of sweet, you probably won't reach out for this device when planning dinner and, by the way, sweet is a way of cooking when you have a sealed container vacuum sealed and you put it in boiling water. And you cook Usually proteins this way, but it tends to preserve flavor Just look at it, but anyhow. And you cook Usually proteins this way, but it tends to preserve flavor Just look at it, but anyhow, if you don't know about that, chances are you're not going to be great at it. The same goes for metacommunication, something that we discussed on our upcoming podcast. Stay tuned, in a short few days you're going to be listening to this podcast as well. We discussed with Martin Dubin, author of Blindspotting, how to see what's holding you back as a leader, or as anyone, to be honest. Episode coming soon on ChangeWired. So what we talked about on this podcast, at the beginning of the podcast, or our conversation with Martin Dubin, is we talked about metacommunication.
Metacommunication is communication about communication. It's a signal behind the signal, the part that says how to interpret the message you're trying to convey, not just what it means. It can be verbal I'm telling you this because I care about your success, for example or non-verbal, like your tone of voice, your facial expression, body language. Sometimes when I talk to people, I feel like they're not even aware that they have body language and facial expressions. It's like you say one thing but your whole being says completely different things. So don't you think I see that as well? I don't know, maybe some people think that the people don't see their facial expressions or body language, but the difference it makes, this metacommunication when done well, the difference is huge.
Speaker 1It's when the presentation lacks technical depth. Please work on it more. When you hear that, without any context of what's happening in the other person's head, you often, having that we have this negativity bias, would interpret it. Well, this person does not like me, doesn't think highly or well of me, and that is very, very discomforting, especially if it comes from someone you depend on for your promotion, your paycheck or your well-being at workplace. Right Versus, compare that to this. I'm giving you these comments because I have high standards for you and I believe you can meet them Before saying your feedback about this presentation lacked technical depth. Please work on it more. Right, if you hear before that I'm giving you these comments because, like technical depth, please work on it more. Right, if you hear before that I'm giving you these commands because, or right after, I'm giving you these commands because I have high standards for you and I know you can meet that. So let's work on this right. One feels like criticism. The other feels like an investment in you, like teamwork. We're in it together. Let's figure it out, let's make it better.
Speaker 1We often assume our words are enough. Again, we just think that words are the most important part, even though there is this popular statistic that is totally true that people get the meaning from what we are saying Only 10% from the words themselves. 30% is your voice, your tone of voice. Like, again, compare that the presentation lacked technical depth, please work on it. And compare that to that the presentation lacked technical depth, please work on it more. Right, there is a difference and you probably heard it. If not, rewind and then hear it again. But tone of voice matters, and even more so your facial expressions, your body language, like whether you're saying it with twinkle in your eye, with a smile, with this, like let's do it together, kind of you know body language. That's one thing, compared to someone you know holding their hands together and having this like sad, upset facial kind of expression, maybe disapproving kind of expression. That, again, some people don't even realize that they have those expressions. Again, we often assume our words are enough and they mean the same thing, no matter who's hearing them or how we say them.
Speaker 1If you've ever been on the other side of receiving communication, you probably know this is not freaking true, so maybe we should put that into use. The other person who we're trying to communicate with, the other person brings their own set of filters, assumptions and histories to every exchange. Without metacommunication, your message might land somewhere you never intended, and that's how relationships get broken for life and business doesn't work out and your pitch doesn't land. It's probably not what you said, it's how you delivered it. Oftentimes, simply knowing about metacommunication, communication or SWEED doesn't make you good at it. Just because you know there is, this concept exists, it doesn't necessarily make you good at it at all. You know, if knowledge was the answer, we'd all be billionaires with six-pack apps, isn't that true?
But what blindspotting with Martin Dubin reminds us? You can't improve what you can't see, and once you see it, you have the opportunity to actually change it, and that's the power of blindspotting. Learning new concepts like metacommunication is the first step to getting better. It's a necessary step. You need first to know about the thing, to do something with the thing. So learning new concepts is important, but it's not the end and not the most important part. Well, maybe it is, because without it, nothing else exists, and that's why, again, blindspotting we're going to talk more about the practice of blindspotting with Martin Dubin, who I believe is going to be remembered as one of the people, or the first and one of the greatest who puts the foundation of putting the language around it, putting it in words so we could see it collectively better and work on it.
So, in blindspotting, how to see what's holding you back as a leader? In blindspotting, martin Dubin, we talk about this as a practice spotting what you don't even know was there. It's such a game changer for leadership or communication or anything you want to try to improve and do. And that's why also, guys, the coaching works so well, because coaching, as we talked in our previous episode, is a mirror. Someone else helps. You see what you've been failing to see all this time. And the moment you name something, guys, like metacommunication or sous vide, you gain the power to work with that. The moment you see it, you can change it. And now you know of metacommunication. Now that you know of it, are you going to do something with it so you become a better communicator, so you become better at being understood, so you become a better communicator, so you become better at being understood. And being understood is not everything, but the first step to anything To be understood correctly is to be effective collaborating, building relationships and leading. And now, guys, without further ado, here is your five-point checklist for effective matter communication. So you could get better at being understood, better, so you can be more effective with moving your causes forward.
Speaker 1And don't underestimate, guys, the power of checklists. Checklists are powerful. They are used, for example, to land planes safely. Every pilot, everyone working on the plane have their own checklist and that's how you and me get to fly around the world without falling. Well, all that much at least. So, checklist, so meta communication. Five-point checklist how to make sure what you mean is what they hear.
Speaker 1Number one set your intent. That is for yourself. Before speaking, ask what do I want the other person to understand, to feel, to do at the end of this communication. Become aware of where you want to land with your communication. Choose words and tone that serve the intent. Then, number two, name the why tell them why you're saying it like, for example, I'm sharing this because I want to help you succeed, so I'm sharing you with you this comments, this feedback, because I truly want you to succeed. I know you can do better, I know you can be phenomenal, so let's work on it, right? So name the why. That's point number two.
Speaker 1Number three signal the tone, use, tone of your voice, facial expressions, posture that match your message. Again, when I communicate to many people, I feel like they have no awareness of what's happening on their face or with their body language. I'm like you're seeing the words but I'm not seeing it, I'm not hearing it. Don't you see the misalignment? And sometimes, again, I think, just like anything with blind spotting, I feel people are just not aware that they're seeing one thing, but they're conditioned to use certain facial expressions or body language, or that's just how they're wired to be, more often than not, by default, and they don't realize that what they're saying has this color, this tone with it because the way they're used to delivering the message. So, number three signal the tone, your facial expression, your body language.
Speaker 1If you need to practice in front of the message, so, number three signal the tone, your facial expression, your body language. If you need to practice in front of the mirror, it will show you what's on your face. Or you can ask other people like how does it land? And that is the point. Number four confirm understanding. Don't assume people just get it. Ask. Ask the person what's your take on what I just said, how does it land for you, what did you get from it? And be as friendly as possible, intention for yourself when asking this, so people actually tell you the truth, versus just telling you what you want to hear, especially if you are on somewhat leadership position. So this is number four confirm understanding.
Speaker 1Number five adjust for the listener. And that is more what's happening in your head. Adjust for the listener. Consider their perspective, past experiences, their background. Where are they coming from to this conversation? Are they at the end of their day, where they have no cognitive capacity, no patience and very little energy? Consider all of this, all the context, before trying to convey your message. Is it a match, is it a good time? Think about that If needed. Add clarifying context upfront and pro tip, pro tip for those of you who really want to move forward with your communication and you know it's your blind spot, like for myself, I also feel like I need to improve certain things in my metacommunication.
Speaker 1Again, just knowing the fact doesn't make you great at the thing that you know about, so you need to put in practice. And the best way to put in practice anything is to do it one point at a time. So now you have a checklist of five items. How do you put it in practice? Well, first, let me remind you that don't forget to share this podcast episode. Read review too, so the podcast reaches more ears. If you're getting value from this, please do share it with other people. Make others better as well. Please help this podcast to reach more ears all around the world so we all become better metacommunication and things become more effective.
Speaker 1So, how to put this in practice? Take one thing at a time and put it somewhere on your calendar and note a reminder to practice it every day, like, for example step number one set your intent. So, before speaking, especially in the situations where it really matters, it's not just casual conversation between you or your spouse, your friend, your kids, but it really matters. You're trying to do something with this communication. Number one set your intent. Just ask yourself in your head what am I trying to do something with this communication? Number one set your intent. Just ask yourself in your head what am I trying to do with this communication?
Speaker 1Before jumping into this meeting with your team, your colleague, your superior, just ask yourself what am I trying to do here with this communication? And a pro tip like what's the context? Is this the appropriate time? A pro tip like what's the context, is this the appropriate time? Does this person usually? Are they in a good spot? Are they in a rush? Are they trying to get somewhere first thing in the morning? Just think about that, from all of your knowledge, when it's best to deliver this message and how.
Speaker 1Think again about your facial expression. But take one step at a time right. So set your intent. What are you trying to do with this? What's your goal? What's the outcome you want to see? So this is point number one. So for the next week or two weeks, as we usually do in coaching with my clients, for two weeks, just practice that. Ask yourself all the time before. Important piece of communication what am I trying to do here? As simple as that.
Speaker 1And then let's review the list.
So, number one set your intent. And then also even better if you reflect on that. You do it for one day, for two days, and maybe set a reminder again to remember, and then reflect on that in your journal or just sit and think about that. Okay, how did it work? Did something get better? Did something change? What's the difference between before and now? Right, just reflect on that which makes learning so much stickier. So one at a time and then reflect on that. And then the second one and the third. But let's review the list. Number one and, by the way, the list, this whole checklist, is going to be on my Instagram today as a carousel that you can share, that you can save, that you can download, screenshot and have it with you If you need one piece of paper, like a nice cartoonish thing that ChatGPT created for me. You can also reach out Info at your best culture on Instagram Angela BrainBodyCoach. There is my email somewhere in the podcast info, so you'll find your way. But let's review the list.
Speaker 1Number one set your intent.
Speaker 1What's the outcome you want to see?
Speaker 1Why are you saying this? Number two name the why. Tell the person on the other side why you're saying this. What's your intention? Number three signal the tone. Don't forget you have a face and a body that also communicate, even more so than your words. Number four confirm understanding.
Speaker 1Don't just assume people understand because they're nodding their heads, ask like, how does it land for you? What did you get from this? What's the meaning? Be friendly as possible. Again Five adjust for the listener. Consider their background, their time of the day, their mental, emotional, physical state. Right, and a pro tip if the stakes are really high feedback, big decisions, you know, feedback 360, emotional conversations with your spouse Always layer the meaning, say the message and explain why you're saying it, what you mean, where are you coming from, like all of the assumptions, spell it out as much as possible. So that's a pro tip Over-communicate, especially when the stakes are high, when the understanding is the most important thing.
Speaker 1Obviously you don't want to be over-communicating when keeping the information is more advantageous, but just make sure that everything that you say is understood well. So give as much background as possible. Confirm understanding, not from the noting, but from asking people to summarize or just say in their words what they just heard. And that's it for today, guys, metacommunication checklist that will help you to fly the airplane of your projects further. Communication or being understood is not everything, but the first step to anything, just like knowledge of a thing is the first step of working with it and hopefully making it better. Thank you, guys, for tuning in, thank you for joining, for listening, for your focused attention and till next time, keep growing, keep learning, keep changing.