Hey , guys , and welcome back to another episode of Change Wired Podcast . My name is Angela Sharina , I'm your host , I'm your transition , transformation and executive coach , someone who's obsessed with change , growth , improvement , getting the most out of our lives ourselves and every single day . Today , I was thinking , you know , when I wake up and I see a sunny weather and I start thinking to myself , oh , I should probably go rollerblading because the weather is so nice . And then another voice tells me well , let's wait till tomorrow . Today is I don't know . I'm too lazy , I need to consider more things before jumping into action , and in this case , I always remind myself that tomorrow's weather is never guaranteed . And so if you have everything you need today to act , you have everything in your favor , except for this lazy feeling . I should do it tomorrow . It's time , tomorrow it's going to be , for whichever reason , you're going to be more ready . No jump today . Right , if stars are aligned , just do it , because tomorrow is never guaranteed .
Speaker 1Besides that , today we are talking about metacommunication and the secret sauce to
being understood . By the end of today's podcast , you're going to have a five-point just five-point checklist to help you be more better understood , and that is so crucial , guys , we so often so underestimate our need or what superpower it is to be understood well and to communicate in a way that makes people get you Get what you're saying . To work in projects together , to move things forward , to build relationships , to organize things . So people get you . And we sometimes think to ourselves well , I wish people would just get me . Well , guess what ? There is a big part in it that is yours to control and to work through .
Speaker 1Being understood is not just the responsibility of other people . No , actually it is more responsibility of you , because you know what's in your head and what's on your mind . Other people don't , even though we'd wish sometimes that people would just read our minds , although we would be concerned with privacy of that . But we're like on demand . I wish everybody just would see what's in my mind , but it's not the case until not yet that we can manifest that . But what you can do is to draw those images and pictures in other people's minds with your communication , your whole device , your posture , your body language , your voice , the words , the metacommunication , or communication about communication , telling people what you mean to say , what you want this communication to be , where you want the results to go , telling people the meaning , the intention , and that's how you understood better , faster , and that's how you move things along faster . Whether that's doing something to be together in your leisure time , getting people along to go along with , I don't know your dinner plans or plans for innovation and business projects , I don't know . Brainstorming , like whatever it is . You're trying to move forward .
Speaker 1The first step , and it took me quite a while to understand that . The first step is to be understood , and just because people are nodding their heads , that's not actually a really great sign to assume that people understand . But let's first talk a little bit of background to help you to understand better what you're talking about , why it's important and how to use it better in your daily work , life and personal life . So metacommunication , the language you didn't know you needed . People with limited emotional vocabulary that's what research shows struggle to articulate their feelings . So basically , if you don't have words for describing something , it's very hard for you to even fully understand it yourself , leave alone make other people understand it . If you don't have the words and that's what the research shows you can't express the feeling not reliably or consistently .
Speaker 1It's like cooking If you've never heard of sweet , you probably won't reach out for this device when planning dinner and , by the way , sweet is a way of cooking when you have a sealed container vacuum sealed and you put it in boiling water . And you cook Usually proteins this way , but it tends to preserve flavor Just look at it , but anyhow . And you cook Usually proteins this way , but it tends to preserve flavor Just look at it , but anyhow , if you don't know about that , chances are you're not going to be great at it . The same goes for metacommunication , something that we discussed on our upcoming podcast . Stay tuned , in a short few days you're going to be listening to this podcast as well . We discussed with Martin Dubin , author of Blindspotting , how to see what's holding you back as a leader , or as anyone , to be honest . Episode coming soon on ChangeWired . So what we talked about on this podcast , at the beginning of the podcast , or our conversation with Martin Dubin , is we talked about metacommunication .
Speaker 1Metacommunication is communication about communication . It's a signal behind the signal , the part that says how to interpret
the message you're trying to convey , not just what it means . It can be verbal I'm telling you this because I care about your success , for example or non-verbal , like your tone of voice , your facial expression , body language . Sometimes when I talk to people , I feel like they're not even aware that they have body language and facial expressions . It's like you say one thing but your whole being says completely different things . So don't you think I see that as well ? I don't know , maybe some people think that the people don't see their facial expressions or body language , but the difference it makes , this metacommunication when done well , the difference is huge .
Speaker 1It's when the presentation lacks technical depth . Please work on it more . When you hear that , without any context of what's happening in the other person's head , you often , having that we have this negativity bias , would interpret it . Well , this person does not like me , doesn't think highly or well of me , and that is very , very discomforting , especially if it comes from someone you depend on for your promotion , your paycheck or your well-being at workplace . Right Versus , compare that to this . I'm giving you these comments because I have high standards for you and I believe you can meet them Before saying your feedback about this presentation lacked technical depth . Please work on it more . Right , if you hear before that I'm giving you these comments because , like technical depth , please work on it more . Right , if you hear before that I'm giving you these commands because , or right after , I'm giving you these commands because I have high standards for you and I know you can meet that . So let's work on this right . One feels like criticism . The other feels like an investment in you , like teamwork . We're in it together . Let's figure it out , let's make it better .
Speaker 1We often assume our words are enough . Again , we just think that words are the most important part , even though there is this popular statistic that is totally true that people get the meaning from what we are saying Only 10% from the words themselves . 30% is your voice , your tone of voice . Like , again , compare that the presentation lacked technical depth , please work on it . And compare that to that the presentation lacked technical depth , please work on it more . Right , there is a difference and you probably heard it . If not , rewind and then hear it again . But tone of voice matters , and even more so your facial expressions , your body language , like whether you're saying it with twinkle in your eye , with a smile , with this , like let's do it together , kind of you know body language . That's one thing , compared to someone you know holding their hands together and having this like sad , upset facial kind of expression , maybe disapproving kind of expression . That , again , some people don't even realize that they have those expressions . Again , we often assume our words are enough and they mean the same thing , no matter who's hearing them or how we say them .
Speaker 1If you've ever been on the other side of receiving communication , you probably know this is not freaking true , so maybe we should put that into use . The other person who we're trying to communicate with , the other person brings their own set of filters , assumptions and histories to every exchange . Without metacommunication , your message might land somewhere you never intended , and that's how relationships get broken for life and business doesn't work out and your pitch doesn't land . It's probably not what you said , it's how you delivered it . Oftentimes , simply knowing about metacommunication , communication or SWEED doesn't make you good at it . Just because you know there is , this concept exists , it doesn't necessarily make you good at it at all . You know , if knowledge was the answer , we'd all be billionaires with six-pack apps , isn't that true ?
Speaker 1But what blindspotting with Martin Dubin reminds us ? You can't improve what you can't see , and once you see it , you have the opportunity to actually change it , and that's the power of blindspotting . Learning new concepts like metacommunication is the first
step to getting better . It's a necessary step . You need first to know about the thing , to do something with the thing . So learning new concepts is important , but it's not the end and not the most important part . Well , maybe it is , because without it , nothing else exists , and that's why , again , blindspotting we're going to talk more about the practice of blindspotting with Martin Dubin , who I believe is going to be remembered as one of the people , or the first and one of the greatest who puts the foundation of putting the language around it , putting it in words so we could see it collectively better and work on it .
Speaker 1So , in blindspotting , how to see what's holding you back as a leader ? In blindspotting , martin Dubin , we talk about this as a practice spotting what you don't even know was there . It's such a game changer for leadership or communication or anything you want to try to improve and do . And that's why also , guys , the coaching works so well , because coaching , as we talked in our previous episode , is a mirror . Someone else helps . You see what you've been failing to see all this time . And the moment you name something , guys , like metacommunication or sous vide , you gain the power to work with that . The moment you see it , you can change it . And now you know of metacommunication . Now that you know of it , are you going to do something with it so you become a better communicator , so you become better at being understood , so you become a better communicator , so you become better at being understood . And being understood is not everything , but the first step to anything To be understood correctly is to be effective collaborating , building relationships and leading . And now , guys , without further ado , here is your five-point checklist for effective matter communication
. So you could get better at being understood , better , so you can be more effective with moving your causes forward .
Speaker 1And don't underestimate , guys , the power of checklists . Checklists are powerful . They are used , for example , to land planes safely . Every pilot , everyone working on the plane have their own checklist and that's how you and me get to fly around the world without falling . Well , all that much at least . So , checklist , so meta communication . Five-point checklist how to make sure what you mean is what they hear .
Speaker 1Number one set your intent . That is for yourself . Before speaking , ask what do I want the other person to understand , to feel , to do at the end of this communication . Become aware of where you want to land with your communication . Choose words and tone that serve the intent . Then , number two , name the why tell them why you're saying it like , for example , I'm sharing this because I want to help you succeed , so I'm sharing you with you this comments , this feedback , because I truly want you to succeed . I know you can do better , I know you can be phenomenal , so let's work on it , right ? So name the why . That's point number two .
Speaker 1Number three signal the tone , use , tone of your voice , facial expressions , posture that match your message . Again , when I communicate to many people , I feel like they have no awareness of what's happening on their face or with their body language . I'm like you're seeing the words but I'm not seeing it , I'm not hearing it . Don't you see the misalignment ? And sometimes , again , I think , just like anything with blind spotting , I feel people are just not aware that they're seeing one thing , but they're conditioned to use certain facial expressions or body language , or that's just how they're wired to be , more often than not , by default , and they don't realize that what they're saying has this color , this tone with it because the way they're used to delivering the message . So , number three signal the tone , your facial expression , your body language .
Speaker 1If you need to practice in front of the message , so , number three signal the tone , your facial expression , your body language . If you need to practice in front of the mirror , it will show you what's on your face . Or you can ask other people like how does it land ? And that is the point . Number four confirm understanding . Don't assume people just get it . Ask . Ask the person what's your take on what I just said , how does it land for you , what did you get from it ? And be as friendly as possible , intention for yourself when asking this , so people actually tell you the truth , versus just telling you what you want to hear , especially if you are on somewhat leadership position . So this is number four confirm understanding .
Speaker 1Number five adjust for the listener . And that is more what's happening in your head . Adjust for the listener . Consider their perspective , past experiences , their background . Where are they coming from to this conversation ? Are they at the end of their day , where they have no cognitive capacity , no patience and very little energy ? Consider all of this , all the context , before trying to convey your message . Is it a match , is it a good time ? Think about that If needed . Add clarifying context upfront and pro tip , pro tip for those of you who really want to move forward with your communication and you know it's your blind spot , like for myself , I also feel like I need to improve certain things in my metacommunication .
Speaker 1Again , just knowing the fact doesn't make you great at the thing that you know about , so you need to put in practice . And the best way to put in practice anything is to do it one point at a time . So now you have a checklist of five items . How do you put it in practice ? Well , first , let me remind you that don't forget to share this podcast episode . Read review too , so the podcast reaches more ears . If you're getting value from this , please do share it with other people . Make others better as well . Please help this podcast to reach more ears all around the world so we all become better metacommunication and things become more effective .
Speaker 1So , how to put this in practice ? Take one thing at a time and put it somewhere on your calendar and note a reminder to practice it every day , like , for example step number one set your intent . So , before speaking , especially in the situations where it really matters , it's not just casual conversation between you or your spouse , your friend , your kids , but it really matters . You're trying to do something with this communication . Number one set your intent . Just ask yourself in your head what am I trying to do something with this communication ? Number one set your intent . Just ask yourself in your head what am I trying to do with this communication ?
Speaker 1Before jumping into this meeting with your team , your colleague , your superior , just ask yourself what am I trying to do here with this communication ? And a pro tip like what's the context ? Is this the appropriate time ? A pro tip like what's the context , is this the appropriate time ? Does this person usually ? Are they in a good spot ? Are they in a rush ? Are they trying to get somewhere first thing in the morning ? Just think about that , from all of your knowledge , when it's best to deliver this message and how .
Speaker 1Think again about your facial expression . But take one step at a time right . So set your intent . What are you trying to do with this ? What's your goal ? What's the outcome you want to see ? So this is point number one . So for the next week or two weeks , as we usually do in coaching with my clients , for two weeks , just practice that . Ask yourself all the time before . Important piece of communication what am I trying to do here ? As simple as that .
Speaker 1And then let's review the list .
Speaker 1So , number one set your intent . And then also even better if you reflect on that . You do it for one day , for two days , and maybe set a reminder again to remember , and then reflect on that in your journal or just sit and think about that . Okay , how did it work ? Did something get better ? Did something change ? What's the difference between before and now ? Right , just reflect on that which makes learning so much stickier . So one at a time and then reflect on that . And then the second one and the third . But let's review the list . Number one and , by the way , the list , this whole checklist , is going to be on my Instagram today as a carousel that you can share , that you can
save , that you can download , screenshot and have it with you If you need one piece of paper , like a nice cartoonish thing that ChatGPT created for me . You can also reach out Info at your best culture on Instagram Angela BrainBodyCoach . There is my email somewhere in the podcast info , so you'll find your way . But let's review the list .
Speaker 1Number one set your intent .
Speaker 1What's the outcome you want to see ?
Speaker 1Why are you saying this ? Number two name the why . Tell the person on the other side why you're saying this . What's your intention ? Number three signal the tone . Don't forget you have a face and a body that also communicate , even more so than your words . Number four confirm understanding .
Speaker 1Don't just assume people understand because they're nodding their heads , ask like , how does it land for you ? What did you get from this ? What's the meaning ? Be friendly as possible . Again Five adjust for the listener . Consider their background , their time of the day , their mental , emotional , physical state . Right , and a pro tip if the stakes are really high feedback , big decisions , you know , feedback 360 , emotional conversations with your spouse Always layer the meaning , say the message and explain why you're saying it , what you mean , where are you coming from , like all of the assumptions , spell it out as much as possible . So that's a pro tip Over-communicate , especially when the stakes are high , when the understanding is the most important thing .
Speaker 1Obviously you don't want to be over-communicating when keeping the information is more advantageous , but just make sure that everything that you say is understood well . So give as much background as possible . Confirm understanding , not from the noting , but from asking people to summarize or just say in their words what they just heard . And that's it for today , guys , metacommunication checklist that will help you to fly the airplane of your projects further . Communication or being understood is not everything , but the first step to anything , just like knowledge of a thing is the first step of working with it and hopefully making it better . Thank you , guys , for tuning in , thank you for joining , for listening , for your focused attention and till next time , keep growing , keep learning , keep changing .