A Drunk And High Rewatch Of The Mummy Returns

We put The Mummy Returns back on the stand for its anniversary and judge it by what’s on the screen today, not what we remember loving as kids. We land on a 2.5 out of 5 and end up arguing that nostalgia is real, but it can’t patch a messy sequel.
• our three-part rating method and what we’re smoking and drinking
• why the first Mummy feels tighter and warmer
• acting vs dialogue and why chemistry can’t save everything
• cinematography and blocking when CGI takes over
• the Scorpion King sequence and why it looks unrendered
• score repetition and losing the musical punch
• plot complaints like retcons flashbacks and chosen-one destiny
• rewatchability as comfort viewing even when it’s bad
• our rewrite ideas and the movie we’d rather see

Transcript

Mic Upgrades And Host Banter

SPEAKER_02 0:15

point because they they are expensive for the dual pack it's like 250 dollars oh really so that's wait that's not even your mic then this is uh just a test run yeah for now we'll see now if it sounds that good though I'll I'll definitely get another I'll get it sounds good sounds good but you shouldn't be jealous Ryan your sound like our mics sound yeah you guys I'm just trying to sound as good as you guys like you guys have always sounded good but I've always noticed that I sound noticeably worse than you guys.

SPEAKER_00 0:44

Well I think that this this brings you now at least to maybe not our level I'm not willing to to give you that but uh I I I don't look down on you as I I don't have to crane my neck as hard when you're listening to my audio yeah listen listen back to this one Luke and see what you think okay I'll definitely compare. Yeah so all right well let's let's get this boat on the show. So hey everyone welcome to High and Dry Podcast I'm your host Ryan Barronorth with me as always James Crosslin Luke fellas how you doing this week doing alright how about you Luke I'm doing all right for Monday. I can't say that it's it's bad it's Monday long week ahead still all right well yeah I was uh I was hoping you guys would have a little bit more for me because like I always I I I get on these things and totally I'm in Iran right now.

True Calling And Eliza Dushku

SPEAKER_02 1:54

Yeah no I noticed the shape camera yeah I'm on the ground food's on the ground uh fighting for Iran yes yes on the side of Iran it's going okay that's good well you're uh you're in my thoughts and prayers thanks for nothing well so uh anyway this is high and dry podcast uh the only podcast keeping alive the fandom of true calling if anyone recalls true calling yes it sounds fantastic there were two seasons there were two seasons is it spelled I don't know or is it T R U E?

SPEAKER_00 2:36

Well uh it's uh T R U just T R U.

SPEAKER_02 2:40

It's got Eliza Dushku that that yes Eliza Dushku that's exactly what I thought okay I remember now yeah yeah yeah for sure love love me some Eliza what uh ooh oh and it has a uh very young uh Zach Califanakis as well uh Eliza Dushku was the connoisseurs Jessica Alba uh okay of that period okay that's that's my opinion what what's that uh that meme where like um he shouldn't have said it but uh he's right the internet's very split about true calling it's IMDB said you know about a a seven seven and a half out of ten and then we have Rotten Tomatoes 40% like much much farther down they were not as happy with the movie.

SPEAKER_00 3:32

Well turn into our turn into true cast where we rate we give you the definitive rating on true calling episode for episode and then we have our podcast true true cast where it's line by line we'll give you that definitive rating on how it fits into the grander scheme of it.

SPEAKER_02 3:52

And then and then we incorporate that into our Eliza douched cast which which you you need a login for that one.

The Mummy Returns Review Format

SPEAKER_00 4:02

But oh yeah but we're not actually gonna be talking about any of that stuff. In fact this week we have a special episode for everyone we are going to be talking about the mummy returns came back to theaters this weekend for its 25th anniversary and we are going to rip into this thing we're gonna rip into this thing in a faithful three part method guaranteed to get you way better results than anything as Luke was alluding to earlier Rotten Tomatoes has ever produced we do that first by giving you the definitive score out of five stars on Mummy Returns. Then we uh dive into the golden path where we're gonna uh look at some of the deeper meanings behind the mummy returns and finally we are going to insert ourselves drugs and alcohol into the film what makes it so special and fun is that we are going to be doing it drunk and high.

SPEAKER_02 4:57

So uh boys what are you uh what you smoking this week sweetleaf emp the reason is all it's all I got it's all I got he's just working through that brick in the back yeah man it's so much I don't smoke anymore for for recreation I only smoke when I do this podcast and it's just CBD so it's like I don't know getting there all right we'll start taking my taking some overdosing on my stimulants for the podcast I honestly can't remember but it is the ganja for sure.

SPEAKER_00 5:33

Okay all right so Jen uh ganja brand yeah dime store weed no brand well I too am joining you boys dime store style I have uh what's left of my basic bottom shelf old Forester 100 horsepower I love this crap tastes good 25 bucks 100 proof like what more do you need and then I will be chasing it with uh maker's mark and lemonade sounds delicious yeah so I'll be enjoying myself so this first shot first toast first hit this one goes out to our newest listeners to the podcast okay who are they we have continued to do some solid business and again everyone out there thank you for that but our newest ones are coming us to us from Sachet Texas Fontana no where where California uh where to go Fontana California okay leads leads that's the UK oh hey and then we got one from Chechia so that's cool oh nice yeah all right I'll tell us to Chechia Eliza Dushka's homeland yeah so here's to uh Chechia cheers Chechiers Oh dear Lord good stuff really it really is nice I really do like it I could probably enjoy smoking it more but like I I just don't want to why inhale particulate if it's not even gonna have a euphoric effect you know yeah I like the taste of it I mean have you considered breaking out uh the old opium pipe probably some medication interactions that are not preferable otherwise I would of course well there's ever a time when I when I don't need medication anymore I will definitely opi I'll I'll I'll light up some opium on this podcast why not it was like only the true listeners know the early episodes uh with Trey um we'd start talking James would hit his pipe and then just lie there on his pillow while this old dude takes the pipe back me and Sherlock Holmes laying there yeah it was uh you know but it it was it was a good bit it was a good bit all right it's time to line him up again toast second hit this one goes out to yeah here's to a Liza doucheku cheers Liza douche cheers yeah yeah Eliza douchecu Jessica Alba both TV actresses you know had minor movie roles I guess I guess Jessica Alba had honey and she was uh invisible woman yeah she became invisible she had a period there where she was like the thing uh there were but not from she played side by side with the thing um yeah um she was also uh she did uh she was um with Bruce Willis in that uh noir thing that was all the rage Sin City yeah in the I forgot she was in Sin City yeah yeah okay well that's fair yeah Eliza douchecu didn't take off as much as I think she deserved to no I don't think so either justice to douchecu yeah hashtag justice for douchecu get her a run right doll house dollhouse I forgot about dollhouse yep yep but I guess we all did so this final toast final shot this one goes out to our film this week mommy returns cheers boys mommy returns Luke's getting his steps in she was the uh she was the best actress on Buffy and Angel um uh yeah I hear she was uh let down by the uh the studios deciding that they weren't gonna take on the Buffy remake um well I yeah I mean I don't know what she's up to nowadays but that would be a nice nice paycheck get all those Gen X nerds oh yeah well every time I fucking uh an an an old star comes up not like age but like in just terms of their star power right uh my first thing is fuck they're a Trumper you know and then like that's what that's what we're gonna hear about.

Luke Rates Acting Effects Story

SPEAKER_02 10:40

You know like Rob Schneider now all of a sudden got hit his name back in everything because of he feels the draft should be reinstated and all this kind of shit and it's like well he's been he's been like heavily conservative for like 25 years or more even longer but his his his rise in comedy was like always based in like racism. Do you remember do you remember when I sat you down and made you watch Surf Ninjas? I do and and do you remember that Rob Schneider was like in that movie as I do as and and like incredibly racist in that movie and the movie was racist in so many ways. Yeah it's always been that way for him well he also did a uh few like I mean he did a few movies where he must have just been selling out his own values then um I guess he's just a whore like yeah yeah that's right by the way Eliza Dushku is uh is a strong advocate for several political causes particularly mental health and psychedelic assisted therapy hell yeah yeah Eliza Dushku you are you're our you're our mascot now you're our you're our uh celebrity star star our our star Eliza here's guiding star the North Star she's our Polaris so all right boys let's talk movie it's been 12 minutes and our listeners are going what the fuck so the mummy returns it's back in theaters 25 years it's uh it's been a trip so uh where were you when you first saw mummy returns you know like I put it right there probably in an AMC theater also yeah I for sure went to go see this movie well I mean everyone's everyone's seen this fucking well I I guess people who listen to us have seen this fucking movie there's no way but well uh Luke you wanna you want to start here you want to start rating this bad boy I can I can start so I was pretty young when this movie came out I was five yeah five ish at the time so oh okay I didn't watch it like as a very young kid but I do remember as a like a young kid watching it with my mom at times so when I when we chose to rate this movie I had this would be like my third time ever seeing it. Really I'm pretty sure I saw it in my early adult life and then yeah this is the third time but I ride the the the mummy roller coaster at Universal all the time um it's and that's the mummy returns. Yeah it's the mummy but there is no they don't do any Scorpion King on the ride at all mildly oh you gotta pay Dwayne off for that yeah yeah fair fair so I think they just call it the mummy returns because it goes backward probably maybe yeah maybe but yeah it's uh at the end of the day it's uh yeah I like the I like the ride and I do like Brendan Frazier in it and I do I do like these movies. I just you know it's not something I've watched a lot um and this one is definitely not as good as the mummy which I liked the I feel like I like the mummy more than I liked the mummy returns. That's a fair assessment fair fair fair fair with that said though I really um the cast and I feel like the acting is probably um you know besides the I don't find the rock to be genuinely convincing in any role that he ever plays he's just kind of the rock um but it's though so yeah yeah yeah yeah so it just felt yeah it just appeared as a PS2 graphic. Yeah that was so bizarre. That was like yeah we can get that out of the way like what the fuck that was just extremely bizarre. Uh people have talked about it on the internet but like I I've never I when I had saw it I thought I like remembered that as a video game because there's a mummy video game that I played and like to like when I saw it just like on Sunday I was like what the fuck I was like I thought this was in that video game this memory and I was like it's in the mummy returns so it was that was a jarring experience.

SPEAKER_00 15:01

So but yeah that so we were rewriting the hard drive here on this one.

SPEAKER_02 15:05

Yeah my brain was like you can't remember this as a as a real thing. So um but yeah that was that was an incredibly bad but I do think the the other cats like if Brendan Fraser and uh racial wise I think that they would have extremely good chemistry on camera and I feel like came through like they were very much in love um on camera as like husband and wife and I mean I I think the bigger issue with this movie is the storyline and how it's just kind of like next scene next scene next scene next thing yes next thing next thing next thing next thing and like that's its bigger issue. I don't the acting is the only thing that's kind of holding it together in my opinion. Oh yeah without a doubt so except for the kid and even then the kid is like but the kid yeah he's he is annoying but he's kind of playing the role well like he is like what he like I feel like that's just like an annoying fucking child like at the end of the day like this the script writer was like we want the audience to be annoyed.

SPEAKER_00 16:07

Yeah and then and then he was annoying yeah so you gotta remember in that time period between 1996 and 2005 the sequel always needed an irritating child or Rob Schneider.

SPEAKER_02 16:24

Then Rob Schneider was busy um so they went with irritating child yeah and irritating child was just part of the lazy storytelling it's like oh we need something for them to have to want to chase after and it's like okay the kid gets kidnapped so that's like kind of becomes the whole the whole plot behind why they're I'm so driven. So you know the stories where I think the dilemma so with that said I think the acting with like a fair rating gets probably like a four for me. It's obviously brought a general that is pretty that was pretty it's brought down but again I I really don't see the acting as the the issue it with this with this movie. I just I don't rather okay so cinematography special effects um they some of the cinema some of the special effects were pretty good for 2001 like I think that there were scenes uh the the big army of like the undead um I remember that and like that was pretty cool at least at the time when I saw it um and I still still today like I was like oh that's that's cool like I that that's amazing because they were like far away it's helpful yeah yeah yeah and that's what you gotta do when you you know back back in the day I love know your limitations when they were sucking the nature into the pyramid and it was like a Windows 98 screensaver yeah of weed being told was that yeah I thought it was literally like yeah yeah so yeah it's they did a worse Jumanji yeah it was it was how to like so much later like how have it how have you done worse with it and I've heard it was kind of like the the special effects team was like rushed um and they were like just told like get it out we need it need it out by this date and it just like they didn't weren't able to finish the movie because of that.

SPEAKER_00 18:08

Well 2001 it's almost like something took off there was a movie with a lot of effort and thought and time put into it and love money got involved Harvey Weinstein showed up and raped a couple people and just put out a fucking thrill ride.

SPEAKER_02 18:26

Right yeah it's but it it's definitely a movie where that unfortunately didn't get the time and love that it needed and it was shown in some of the parts and obviously with with something as like substantial as the Scorpion King I mean that has to bring you down to like that is that and unfortunately you know that's not even due it was due to time but it still is something that just makes the movie just incomplete and it really like laughable like that's something that's that's unfortunately to a laughable degree. But I do think that some of the cinematography was good. Like it's still they still like are competent in their shooting and it's not like like like jarring other than that it's just not again the mummy was so much better like in the in their sort in the set design and the way they like were able to use this the camera angles to be able to show their spaces better. It was just the blocking yeah the blocking was so much better. So much better so yeah I just not not a huge fan uh I'll give that a 2.5 the I'll give it a two the score soundtrack I it's just right in the middle for me I yeah I I don't it's early two it's like early 2000s pretty typical like for uh any sort of like hot action style movie uh movie so uh right in the middle for me at a three story plot I hate this kind I hate I hate this kind I hate this kind of movie I I'm not a fan of the next the next the next uh so it's pretty pretty low for me um it's still the mummy which I still like so um and my god Rachel wise and Patricia Velasquez is just like they can get it so gorgeous like they are they are so beautiful it's not even funny um they can fucking get it yeah I would I would marry him um and also I just got to Cam just got to meet Brendan Frazier um and I got to got to see Brent yeah at uh MegaCon in Orlando and we got to go with John Hannah and John Hannah was saying hello said hello to us and yeah it was really really cool.

SPEAKER_00 20:32

So um it like maybe it was kind of cool that we chose this movie because then I was like yeah people did we still yeah like it just that's really cool that uh Brendan Fraser chose specifically to shake hands with High and Dry Podcast.

SPEAKER_02 20:44

That's yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah it's the ringing endorsement yeah and then the uh yeah so the story plot is gonna get a yeah the kit just the fact that it's like the kid is I I hated that the emotep just seemed on on like not well thought out like it just like it was like oh here's revived and then he like doesn't get his powers until almost the end and then he gets his powers stripped so he can bear which I kind of like the bear fighting but just don't give him those powers back ever. Just let make him like he never gets them back and then he has to fight Brennan Frazier bear hand. That's fine with me but like yeah all of that was just not well not well sorry not well done. So I forgot that was to the new mic set yeah yeah um so yeah the yeah not not a huge huge fan of just the the craziness of of this story I feel like that like you said they've had some found a franchise that was loved and they just threw something together. So um for that it gets a two um rewatchability unfortunately I've gotta watch this movie again I know for a fact I am yeah I know it like without without a doubt sure Cam really loves the mummy series in general um and I don't hate like I still didn't hate this movie like I know as crazy as my like my scores were crazy but it's kind of just like a fun wild time like it's not it's one of those movies that you can't rate like on a critical level very well but at the end of the day it's still it's just the Me, I don't know. I fucking love that franchise. It's just a franchise I like. Exactly. Yeah. And out of it, we got the Scorpion King, which was a pretty good movie. No, it wasn't.

SPEAKER_00 22:23

I like you haven't seen The Scorpion King recently. I haven't seen it recently. I haven't seen it recently. That's the that's the key. I have.

SPEAKER_02 22:31

After you've after you've started in watching movies critically, you haven't seen the Scorpion King. Okay. Maybe and maybe I need to Scorpion King. Tell me if it's a good movie.

SPEAKER_01 22:40

Okay. Okay.

SPEAKER_00 22:42

So everyone tune in next week where Luke will tell us how he feels about the Scorpion King.

SPEAKER_02 22:48

Yeah, and I so rewatchability, I give it a probably a 2.5.

SPEAKER_00 22:53

Okay.

SPEAKER_02 22:53

All right. All right. I mean honestly, there was some generosity there, I felt, and uh and some respect and some respectable scores in there.

SPEAKER_00 23:01

Well, which uh uh which I feel the the series sort of leans on. Well, James, uh you mind?

James Calls It A Fetch Quest

SPEAKER_02 23:08

Oh no, I don't mind at all. I've got opinions. Uh so I definitely love the mummy. The fur I agree with the opinion that the first one's better. And that's the one I've watched way more often. And I, before watching this, was like, oh, I could I could tell you all about mummy too. And I I remember really liking the mummy too. I could tell you all the beats and stuff. Watching it this time, it is a chaotic mess. Like somebody wrote a script, and then someone came in, and I like I was like, they should have brought the guy first the guy who wrote the first movie back. It is the same guy, he's the credited writer. And I was like, fuck, man. The producers are what the problem is. Yeah, the my I had to see a lot of producer notes where they're like, you gotta give them fucking visions and flashbacks, and you can put a kid in there, and uh they it's like they couldn't decide what movie they wanted, and the tone was all over the place. There was like Looney Tunes shit in there. Let me see. Uh, the the Are We There Yet? The Are We There Yet uh scene. Uh, and then the mummy that was squished on the bridge, like like pancaked flat on the that just like yeah, just yeah, just just a bunch of like Looney Tune stuff. Yeah, and and it was it wasn't consistent. Whereas the first one had like a really consistent tone. And it and it also allowed a lot of the movie allowed you to like sit with scenes and sit with the things that they told you so you could digest them, and they would like show they would like hang on the scenery so that all the like practical effects could really be absorbed. Um, and this one was just trying, like Luke said, just trying to move place to place to place to place. It was like a bunch of fetch quests. Uh, like literally the the movie revolves around fetch quests, going from waypoint to waypoint. Yeah, absolutely brutal what they did to the series. So I guess I guess I'll start reviewing with uh the acting. Uh, I thought the acting was uh not fantastic. Um I was pretty disappointed with the dialogue, which is not the actor's fault necessarily. Um that's they were hampered by the dialogue, but it does it does they have to deliver what they have to deliver, and uh it wasn't great. We already talked about how how they can get it. Oh, because they can. There was certainly a lot of okay, the big mistake odin fair in that as well, honestly. Sure. Oh man, that hair was stunning in this movie. Jesus. Everyone in this movie can fucking get it. Yeah, what the fuck is it? We can all fucking get it. Damn. And uh seriously, when he came on screen too, I was like, oh you're yeah, I was like, such a bad actor, but you're hot. So tractic. Yeah, acting was bad. So I I'm gonna give the acting uh a three.

SPEAKER_00 26:15

Okay.

SPEAKER_02 26:17

Uh cinematography and special effects. Uh, yeah, like I said, uh like we talked about before, the blocking and stuff, not very good, uh, not as good as the original. I felt like with the original, they had to they you they decided to use a lot more practical effects. And what you have to do when you do practical effects is you have to get you have to put a lot of thought into how you're structuring a scene in order to hide like hide the mechanisms that you're using for practical effects. Whereas with CGI, what you do is you do your shots and you have to like uh you have to like imagine what it's gonna look like in post after the CGI is done. And you don't have to hide any of the mechanisms, and you just are like, I can do whatever I imagine, whether you understand the limitations of the technology or not. And I felt that that really, really interesting in the ass. Uh so cinematography, uh, and and and the fact that they were just like, we don't need to worry about blocking because we can do whatever we want with it, uh, really took like it, it it made them forget the fundamentals uh of of filmmaking. And so uh cinematography only gets a two from me. Um I I felt like while watching this again, I was like, man, this can't keep my attention. Like, this is just not this is not good visually. They're not doing visual storytelling. Uh there were a few good moments. There were a couple good moments, like with the um the stand they did good with the standing stone scene, uh, with the pygmy mummies, uh, where you're like, they won't cross the standing stone, sacred ground, and then the mummy hops over and stabs the other guy, and then they had the back and forth. I liked that. That was that was that felt like original mummy to me. Yeah. Uh with the blocking and with the timing of the of the humor. Uh, so yeah, but still a two. Uh only minorly redeeming. Uh score and soundtrack. I felt the score was so repetitive compared to the first one. I usually don't recognize the score, but Mummy One had a good score, and this one just like, all right, cool.

SPEAKER_00 28:28

We don't have to do that at all.

SPEAKER_02 28:30

We're just gonna take the reprise, we're gonna fucking blast it over every scene. And I was I was pretty disappointed with it. And so score and soundtrack, I'm only gonna give it a two. Uh, story and plot. Holy shit. It's like they it's like they read a book like what not to do in storytelling, and they missed not, they missed not, and they're like, okay, let's go back and let's do a bunch of fucking retconning for the first movie where we'll give this guy a fucking tattoo on his arm that we never mentioned and never said shit about in the first movie. We'll we'll make it so we know that Rachel Wise fucking saw uh Anoxinamoon in the first one, and she saw you know uh Emotep and stuff, and but it didn't jog anything, it didn't jog anything then, but now we now it does, and now she has fucking flashbacks, and it's just my friend, you ought to be white savior. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Seriously. Totally unnecessary. The movie, the movie would have been fine without any of that shit. Uh putting the size in it, that bothered me.

SPEAKER_00 29:47

He still could have attacked Dwayne the Scorpion Johnson with an axe. He did not need to be destined to doing it.

SPEAKER_02 29:55

No, yeah, yeah. He could it didn't it, none of that was necessary, and it was all just bogging shit down and added to a runtime that was already a little too long. And two hours and ten minutes, the original mummy, I think, was like an hour and a half flat. It was like perfect, it was it was like it was amazing. It's actually two hours four minutes. Is it really the first mummy? If it didn't feel that way, it because it because it because the way it's the paced itself was being made, things were happening, worlds were being built. It wasn't just yeah, yeah, yeah. It was an unnecessary, convoluted, impossible to explain. Like crumbled under the weight of of its own lore and its inability to even fucking adhere to it. I was so this movie made me so fucking mad. I was like, it it they should have put me in the writers' room. I could have made this movie better.

SPEAKER_00 30:53

Which went so I I expect a third part of this one to be just fucking awesome. What do you mean? The third part of our podcast where we insert ourselves. Oh, oh yeah, yeah, let's do it. I'm down. Yeah, it's gonna be good. Buckle up, folks, at home.

SPEAKER_02 31:09

Yeah, plot was bad. Uh, plot gets uh uh 1.5 incomprehensible. I hated I there was so much there's so much shit I hate about this, like Anubis would being like a dark god when in the first in the first movie they were like Anubis is a protector who stops the mummy from coming back, and then it's like they forgot that like that's what they even recognized what what Anubis was to Egypt, and then they're like, oh, he's a dark evil guy. It's like no, he's not.

SPEAKER_00 31:38

You're thinking he's got an army ready to just fucking Windows 98 run across a field.

SPEAKER_02 31:44

You're thinking fucking Set. Set is the bad guy. Um, yeah, yeah, just just all kinds of annoying shit. Um, yeah. Rewatchability, I'll watch this movie again, probably in like probably in a few years after I forget how bad it was because I watched because I watched The Mummy, and I was like, oh my god, this is I forgot how much this movie fucking slaps. Even when it even when the CGI on that one isn't even that good, they did it. It wasn't they did it few and far between, and it that's not what the movie was about. It was there to enhance a movie that was already made, you know, to the best of their ability, enhance it. And uh yeah, yeah. Mummy slaps, we gotta check out Mummy 2, and then we'll be so upset again. So I'll give this uh 2.5 uh on rewatchability because yeah, I'm gonna watch it again. Just to be disappointed. Uh how about you, Ryan?

SPEAKER_00 32:44

Yeah, well, for me, so that is the thing about this movie. Was it it was it was riding the coattails of of something that had dead trapped a little bit of lightning in a bottle, you know? Yeah. And and so what was interesting for me is that I went into this film um with uh my partner and her sister, and they had seen this movie as a child. Yeah, and it was like a very formative thing for them. And you know, millennials and elder Gen Z's with their uh you know, with our nostalgia.

SPEAKER_02 33:21

Those nostalgia goggles on.

SPEAKER_00 33:23

They so and that's the thing about it. And and I like just the other weekend, um uh it came up that I am V Ryan Barron North of High and Dry podcast, and I was asked what my favorite movie is. I'm like, my favorite movie ranks pretty fucking low. Uh which uh which one?

SPEAKER_02 33:42

Die Hard? No, no, no. Die Hard ranked fairly high. Rebel Moon is your favorite movie? Big Trouble in Little China. Fuck Rebel Moon.

unknown 33:50

Fuck Rebel Moon.

SPEAKER_02 33:53

Big Trouble in Little China rated low. I really liked Big Trouble in Little China. I did. I did rate that low.

SPEAKER_00 33:57

No, it was a fantastic film all around. I'm I'm saying for normal people without teams. Oh, for normal people, okay. Yes, yes, yes. No, uh and uh, but just first off, this podcast, and I'm putting it down here right now, hates Rebel Moon as much as we love Eliza Dushko.

SPEAKER_02 34:15

All right. I'd say we hate Rebel Moon even more. Yes, yes, yes, oh yeah, without a doubt.

SPEAKER_00 34:23

Um, and I don't think Luke has even seen it yet, and I think he I think it's time.

SPEAKER_02 34:28

Now, yeah, watch the director's cut so you can watch her get raped in the first five minutes. Jeez, do I have to? No. We don't have to watch any of it. Sweet. I would I would recommend not to. It's the worst movie ever made. But anyway. All all the things you hated about this movie, they do in that movie. It's it's totally charmless. They said 20 years later. Like they'd learned nothing. Yeah. None of the charm of the original mummy. Everything, everything the original mummy wasn't.

SPEAKER_00 35:04

Um, but this was that period uh that's not even to say that's not fair to say that particular period of time, because we're obviously all a bunch of capitalist whores.

SPEAKER_02 35:14

Yeah, sure.

SPEAKER_00 35:15

But like literally, fucking Mummy One had heart, had a story, had lore, created a world. They were getting ready to do Mummy Two. Harvey Weinstein walked in. He wasn't wearing pants, obviously.

SPEAKER_02 35:31

Was it Harvey Wein? How was Harvey Weinstein involved in this movie? This was a universal movie.

SPEAKER_00 35:36

I mean it in terms of as well. Oh, you mean like fucking up Hollywood, just in general. Oh, yeah, like your producer walks in, Hollywood walks in, the money walks in.

SPEAKER_02 35:46

Oh, oh, oh, the analog, the producer analog. Got it. Okay. And that's what happened.

SPEAKER_00 35:52

Um, so for this acting. Yeah, it was it's not the actor's fault. I'm gonna start with that. It's not the actor's fault. And and I I also maybe it's time we make the argument that writing needs to be added to our thing here. But acting, I give it a two. Um, it was dragged down by a child. It was it was dragged down by people who seem like they didn't even want to fucking be there. Um did not. He was there for a paycheck.

SPEAKER_01 36:27

He was there for a paycheck.

SPEAKER_00 36:29

No. Um he barely got to do anything. I know. He was probably pissed about it too. Like, hey, I I put some effort into that first one.

SPEAKER_02 36:36

And they're like, no, we're just gonna make we're just gonna do all CGI for you for the vast majority of your things.

SPEAKER_00 36:42

Yeah, so I'd be pissed too. Uh cinematography, like like you said, it's been stated twice now. The boxing, awful. The the effects were horrific. Uh, and but this this was this was uh endemic of movies from that time. As CGI was coming out, every fucking movie needed a scene where it was just laden with PS2 looking garbage. The Matrix did it, like it it this was not quarantine to the mummy. Um, but that that doesn't make it better. Um I've I've decided for myself and just how the way the way I'm going to rate is that I rate everything based on the sensibilities of this second. I I have no interest in you know talking about, well, you have to talk about it from like where we were standing. Well, where we were standing was less evolved. Alright. So yeah, cinematography, special effects. Uh I'm gonna give it a two. Score and soundtrack. They they took the soundtrack from the first mummy, which was really good. When you hear the mummy soundtrack playing, you're like, oh shit, we're about to watch some mummy. It's like it's it's up there with Jurassic Park. It's up there, like, you know, with those, like, oh shit, we're gonna hear some some mummy. This where they're like, all right, cool, we don't need to put any thought into it whatsoever. Bli blah, blah, blah. Um, so for that, I give it a 2.5. Exactly. Soundtrack. Oh shit, we'll we're watching mummy. Um, and and so I give it 2.5 out of respect for the original. Story and plot. This was this was nonsensical. This was this was this was an atrosimacy. It was a mad libs. Fucking what?

SPEAKER_02 38:46

Fucking mad libs is a good way to put it. I like I feel like that's a very solid way to put it.

SPEAKER_00 38:52

My like my thing for that, I I I feel so, so bad for um uh Odid Fair, um, who played Hardith, who had to pull up Brendan Frazier Fraser's sleeve, look at that tattoo, and say, My friend, do it the chosen one. Yeah. Like, there's no way he stayed sober that night.

SPEAKER_02 39:23

Yeah, he was like, I've betrayed everything I believe in.

SPEAKER_00 39:27

Like, what have I done for this paycheck?

SPEAKER_02 39:30

Uh like there's no way. And then he enjoyed his caviar and flogged on. He's like, I actually, you know what?

SPEAKER_00 39:37

Maybe it's okay. Um, and then fucking Rachel Weiss, um, this English woman uh dueling with a Venezuelan.

SPEAKER_02 39:50

I think she I think she really looked. I mean, the way they had I believe a hundred percent that she was ancient Egyptian.

SPEAKER_00 40:01

Watching this English woman and this Venezuelan woman uh in this sapphic fight.

SPEAKER_02 40:07

It was the was the best part of the movie. Best part of the movie. So sitting with my wife, and I was like, Alright, do you mind if I rewind this? She was like, No, let's do this. The most interesting I've been in the movie.

SPEAKER_00 40:24

This thing was so fucking bad. Yeah, and so uh story and plot, I I give it a one. I give it a one. Yeah, it was the fact that at one point they were fighting pygmies?

SPEAKER_02 40:40

Yeah, mad lives in in the in the Middle East. Mummies, but make um and then adjective short.

SPEAKER_00 40:49

Like yeah, no, that was a one. Uh rewatch ability, and this is this is the thing. Excuse me. Mummy one did a lot of groundwork, and a lot oftentimes we find that our favorite movies aren't the best. You know, we like them not because of what's on screen, but because of what we were feeling at the time. We like them because of who we were watching it with. We like them uh just because of the way it makes us feel. And this did latch on to that uh for a lot of people. And I know I'm gonna watch Mummy 1 again, just like a lot of people are gonna watch Mummy 2 again because they're special to us. Uh, not because they're good, but because they are special. Um, and so for that I'm gonna give rewatchability a four.

SPEAKER_01 41:38

Wow. What the fuck?

SPEAKER_02 41:45

That is an official rating of a 2.5 out of five. And that's better than you deserve. Tough but fair. Tough but fair. Raw Raw scored 2.4. Joe Morganstern of the Wall Street Journal gave the film a negative review, saying that has all of the clank and none of the swank of the previous version. Yes. Well, that's a great he did an excellent tagline there.

SPEAKER_00 42:12

Yes, that was phenomenal. But uh at the same time, uh, he's wrong. Uh, because there are three people sitting on this tribunal, and he is not one of them.

SPEAKER_02 42:24

So I agree with him though.

SPEAKER_00 42:27

Oh, well, that's that's fair to do. But yeah, I agree. So I but his opinion is irrelevant. And I hope he burns in hell. So he's probably dead. Got this in 2001. Yeah, a lot's happened since then. 25 years. Yeah. Probably dead. Any number of things.

SPEAKER_02 42:47

He's he's he's dead. So he was actually killed that year in 9-11.

Golden Path And Missing Meaning

SPEAKER_00 42:55

He was there pitching the Jade Emperor. So yeah, yeah, yeah. All right. Well, uh, so that being the case, it's time for the third part. No. It's time for the second part. Jesus Christ, we have been babbling on. It's time for the second part, it's time to get on the golden path. So, boys, it's time for the final toast, final hit, final shot of the night. Here is two. I would say, uh, here's to nostalgia.

SPEAKER_02 43:22

Cheers. Hindsight's 2020. We're a goddamn race of epimetheuses, cursed forever, to never be able to look ahead and only behind.

SPEAKER_00 43:35

To keep fucking watching the mummy. I will say this though, fun little uh fun little fact. Our most popular episode featured the comedian Reese Merritt, who, coincidentally, is my brother. He is terrified of the mummy series because of the skin beatles. He watched it at He watched that first one at such a formative age that he is terrified of things moving beneath the skin because the mummy. That's interesting. I didn't know that. Yep. Yep. So here you go. That's why you listen. So, folks in Vegas, when you see him this weekend. Ask them about the mummy beetles.

SPEAKER_02 44:17

Yeah. Tell 'em you have something moving under your skin and like p take a pinch of your skin and just pinch it. Like, there's something moving out there.

SPEAKER_00 44:27

Yeah, I need you to take a pocket knife and pop it out. Like that wouldn't require stitches. But anyway. Alright, so it's time to There was no blood.

SPEAKER_02 44:37

There was like no blood in the first. There was no blood in this one either. But but f way fewer people got shot and stuff in the first one or stabbed or hacked up.

SPEAKER_00 44:47

Well, honestly, I feel like uh there is no deeper meaning. I feel like the deeper meaning we touched on is obviously nostalgia and things of that nature.

SPEAKER_02 44:55

Yeah, I think I don't know what to say in this section. There's fucking nothing here.

SPEAKER_00 44:59

Yeah, you guys just want to talk about how how about we just fix this fucking movie?

SPEAKER_02 45:05

Yeah.

How We Would Fix The Movie

SPEAKER_00 45:06

Alright. Um, my first my first go? Yeah. Kill the child. Oh no, it's not it's not gonna be as easy as all that. He's got that fucking thing on his wrist. I'm just chopping it off. Just uh leave him behind. Yeah, no, I am I am the kid from the movie.

SPEAKER_02 45:25

Yeah, this is an evil guy. Like, he's not gonna fucking keep this kid. He's definitely cutting his arm off.

SPEAKER_00 45:31

That that's the first thing I was doing. I am chopping that child's arm off. I am tossing the child off the train, and then there's there'll be like another 10 minutes of the movie where the child like decides that he's got a little heart in him, and he's crawling towards like he's following the tracks as he's bleeding out, and then he just closes his eyes. And and that would be it. That would be it. That's your only change to the movie, or you had all this? I I have a million. But that's what I'm saying. I will also say, I will also say that um after I chopped off uh Freddie Boath's arm um and you know, tossed him over, um, I'd feel nothing because his father was just a super rich banker who controls part of the Bank of London, and uh this whole thing was bought and paid for. So uh I have no remorse.

SPEAKER_02 46:29

And then you're hunted for the rest of your life.

SPEAKER_00 46:32

Well, I I mean, I I would be the mummy though, so then we have a movie here. Instead of going after Jet Lee, we now have the mummy versus the Bank of England. Perfect. I think I think we've got a solid film on our hands.

SPEAKER_02 46:51

Well, what do you what would you what would you do once you took over the bank?

SPEAKER_00 46:55

Would you just like keep it going like it was and just like set interest rates or oh no, I I would say I would just become a creditor, but like when you haven't paid your rent that month, you look out the window and my face is coming at you in a sandwall.

SPEAKER_02 47:17

Make sure you put money in your Roth IRA.

SPEAKER_00 47:23

But I got more changes. But uh Luke, uh, what what how would the movie change when Luke is involved?

SPEAKER_02 47:30

I would like to be Dwayne The Rock Johnson. That's a good choice. I would like to look like he does in the bad CGI moment, but in the whole movie. Um and it just becomes more of a comical bit that I'm like this really poorly drawn Scorpion King man. Right. And it's more of a comical bit. I just want to be a fucking good that they that is such a comical thing to me that made me laugh out out loud that I wanted to be throughout the rest of the movie. While the rest of the movie might be fixed, I probably am making it a little bit worse.

SPEAKER_00 48:07

Well, I love that they had the PS2 graphics, but then they added like unnecessary freckles. Like, like there we go. Now it looks real.

SPEAKER_02 48:20

And I also want to just know what it's like to be that jacked, because I'll never be that jacked. So I want to be as jacked as Dwayne the Rock Johnson and be the Scorpion King.

SPEAKER_00 48:29

Okay, so you would just be Scorpion Luke flexing.

SPEAKER_02 48:33

Yeah, just the whole thing. God damn, this is crazy! I love this.

SPEAKER_00 48:45

I love how they decided that uh Scorpion King Johnson would clack his fucking pincers before he did anything.

SPEAKER_03 48:57

He was like Zoyberg. Woo!

SPEAKER_00 49:02

Like so fucking bad. Alright, well, we got uh Scorpion King Luke. Uh James, how does it change with you?

SPEAKER_02 49:11

Sure. So if I was in this movie, you know, we've stopped, we've we've we kept forgetting to add, we've been forgetting to add alcohol and drugs and stuff. Oh, please do. So I would definitely be I would change it up. Uh I would be anoxunamoon in this case.

SPEAKER_00 49:33

She's hot.

SPEAKER_02 49:36

Well, no, it wouldn't change anything. Well, no, in this case, I would be, I would be, I would be her. She's hot. I would obviously first thing I do is go to a mirror and feel myself up because she can get it. And uh, but I but I would very quickly realize that you know if if if we got to the point where I awoke my old mummy lover, I'd realize like your mother. Like, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, exactly. I would I'd be like, why are we going to try to uh get the armies of the scorpion kings? Like we were totally unnecessary. We were we were we were in love. Like the whole the whole thing was that is that we were in love in defiance of of the Pharaoh. Yeah. And when did we and we killed him so we could like be together? It wasn't about like taking over the fucking world or or anything, it was so we could be together. So like we're we're resurrected, and I don't know how I don't know how your mummy would respond to this.

SPEAKER_00 50:49

Uh you would you still go after the Scorpion King stuff, or would we just like be standing there as James Sunamoon is telling me, like, dude, yeah, yeah. We're fucking together. We do.

SPEAKER_02 51:03

Yeah, we're back, we're back alive. This is everything we wanted. We we can like we're like immortal, like powers. Yeah, you powers we're we're gonna get super drunk. You know, the O'Connell's come in. We're like, hey, you guys want a drink? Maybe like you guys are actually pretty both both both of you can get it. We can get it. Let's let's do let's have a thing going on. Your kid, you don't have to worry about that kid anymore holding you back. We can do whatever we want. Yeah, like we we do fucking whatever we want, and the movie totally changes from there. Get a s get a get a buff scorpion man involved in this. You stream you stream that movie on on at different places for sure. You're not slopped in the movie crime. You gotta span an ID if you're in a red state. Yeah, man, that'd be fucking great.

SPEAKER_00 51:56

No, yeah, yeah.

SPEAKER_02 51:57

That's that's how I change it.

SPEAKER_00 51:59

I well, I I would be there talking to James Tunamoon, going, Yeah, why why are we? I don't understand. I'm I'm alive, you're alive, we have the things, we're all still. I think maybe because maybe just because we're evil.

SPEAKER_02 52:14

I think maybe just because we're evil, we're like we we killed a guy. But a lot of people, a lot of people kill a guy.

SPEAKER_00 52:23

Everyone's killed a guy. Everyone who listens to this podcast has killed a guy.

SPEAKER_02 52:27

Like, come on, I guess that doesn't make us evil in every possible way.

SPEAKER_00 52:32

No. So I'd be like, yeah, maybe we can just be happy.

SPEAKER_02 52:38

Let's just fucking be happy. Hell yeah. We can just do what we want now. Not bound by any kind of social restrictions.

SPEAKER_00 52:46

The 1930s have a lot to fucking offer. I got a bunch of gold, I have godlike powers. Why got a bunch of guys like worshiping? We got guys?

SPEAKER_02 52:55

We got guys. Like we got we got the we got the guy from from uh tour de pharmacy. Fuck Monty Haas!

SPEAKER_00 53:04

I I would I will I will say I'd be like, hey man, you're the only one with your shirt off. Do you want to do that? Or like what are you are you trying to get in to this four-way that me and James Sunamoon have? Or like what do you what what do you want?

SPEAKER_02 53:24

If you want a shirt, we could get you, we could figure out a shirt situation for you. Yeah, I got power. We could we could figure out how to make pants for your scorpion body. We'll figure it out.

SPEAKER_00 53:35

Yeah, we'll figure it out. Like you don't know what no one has to be naked until we all get weird. Like we came back from the dead.

SPEAKER_01 53:44

You have the right to clothed.

SPEAKER_00 53:46

You have the right to be clothed until you choose. And then I swirl my whiskey, which I find I enjoy. Um until you choose not to be. And I I'll like come up on him. You know, you like it.

SPEAKER_02 54:06

Is this the only 10-inch long protrusion that you've got or or what's going on here?

SPEAKER_00 54:14

No, and uh, you know, because you know, because me and James Knox and a moon are friends with fucking Rachel Weiss and Brennan Fraser and they're fucking they got money. They we got the White Savior over there, he's got money.

SPEAKER_02 54:27

What the hell's going on here? This is a way better movie, way better film, honestly.

SPEAKER_00 54:33

Like, it it makes it infinite it makes infinitely more sense. Yeah. Like, just on the cuff.

SPEAKER_01 54:45

I'm like, oh my god. Yeah.

SPEAKER_02 54:50

Yeah. What could have been is the thing. What could have been. Exactly afterward. We play we play we play. We become like thrill seekers together. Instead of like, instead of being like enemies, we like we like we're like adrenaline junkies. We get one of those uh all powerful. Because they're all powerful, it's like way more fun. Like we have so much more we can do. Yeah. We we grab we get one of those skin beetles, and we're like, Oh, we s we do like a spin the bottle of the skin beetle and I lift it up and see who it goes after. Get your knife ready, O'Connell. Get your knife ready.

SPEAKER_00 55:26

And then fucking Scorpion King Luke walks in with pants more champagne. I picked up I picked up a cheese board.

SPEAKER_02 55:43

I would use my tail to bring it, it just comes over my head and on the tail with a cheese board.

SPEAKER_00 55:47

And we're just like, why do you look so fucking weird, dude? Not because of the scorpion shit. You just look unrendered.

SPEAKER_02 55:59

So smooth. You look just the way I look.

SPEAKER_00 56:02

I was born this way. I'm so sorry, bro. I'm so sorry. Have a cheese. The lighting is all off. Yeah, you just every time you walk into a room, the lighting is on the lighting, it's terrible.

SPEAKER_02 56:18

I don't know what happens. Never no one else I know in the world this happens to, but you went then?

SPEAKER_00 56:24

Well, that's when Rachel Weiss, she's like, hey, Scorpion Man, can we need more bubbly? And then Luke leaves, and the four of us go, Thank God. Stop. As he just destroys a door. And then we're like, all right, well, uh, well, like ladies, how about we watch you two this time? And yeah. And fantastic film. Amazing. Five stars.

SPEAKER_02 56:58

Yeah, yeah. Brent Br you and you and Brendan Fraser clink glass. That's how it ends. That's how it ends.

SPEAKER_00 57:06

As we watch you and Rachel, Rachel Weiss knife fight to scissoring. Yes.

SPEAKER_02 57:13

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 57:13

And then the Scorpion King busts back in with Nosh.

SPEAKER_02 57:18

I can put my leg over my head.

Final Bits And Sign Off

SPEAKER_00 57:22

We know you can, darling. We know you can. All right. Well, there you have it, folks. Everybody. Uh, this is a High and Dry Podcast. I'm your host, Ryan Barron North. With me as always, James Groslin, Luke. Thank you all so much for listening, and I hope you think of the mummy too in a different light. Cheers.

SPEAKER_02 57:42

Not all the lights. Not all the lights on the smaller king, though. No, not all the lights.

SPEAKER_00 57:48

You gotta decide where you put them. Night.

SPEAKER_01 57:54

Night.