Identity as a Tool and Not a Trap

In this follow-up to my episode on the dangers of attaching our identity to political figures and rigid ideologies, I explore the other side of the conversation: the healthy, intentional way identity can transform our lives.

Drawing from Atomic Habits and other habit-building frameworks, this episode breaks down how aligning your identity with your values, not with personalities, can create lasting behavioral change. When you shift from “I’m trying to” to “I am someone who,” habits stop feeling forced and start feeling aligned.

We’ll talk about the difference between external identity attachment and internal identity formation, why one takes your agency and the other restores it, and how choosing who you’re becoming can stabilize your life, especially if you grew up in chaos or survival mode.

This is not about perfection. It’s about alignment.

Chapters

• 0:00 Welcome And Grounding
• 0:37 Recap And Today’s Focus
• 2:06 Identity Isn’t The Enemy
• 4:54 From Motivation To Identity
• 7:05 Becoming A Writer By Identity
• 9:13 Agency Versus Allegiance
• 11:07 Brain Consistency And Alignment
• 12:10 Three Non‑Negotiable Habits
• 14:26 Reclaiming Identity After Survival Mode
• 15:21 Keep Identity Flexible
• 17:32 Biannual Habit Audits
• 20:28 Calibrating Habits To Future Self
• 22:53 Closing Reflections And CTA

Transcript

SPEAKER_00: 0:09

It's about coming to your stuff. To your point. To your breath. To the point. You're starting. You're starting to. This is your space to reflect, respect, lemon, help you. So pour your cafe seco and let's begin. Hello everyone, and welcome to Have a Couple Johnny Podcast. I am your host, Joa. In the last episode, we talked about the danger of attaching our identity to political figures, celebrities, or rigid ideologies. I talked about how that kind of attachment shuts down critical thinking and turns disagreements into a personal attack. But today I am gonna go more in depth with the positive side of attaching your identity to, let's say, an idea. So I want you to grab your cup, take a breath, and let's go chat. Alright, so I feel like the episode may have hit some right on the chest, right? Or perhaps you felt it in your jaw, like, oh a few probably wanted to argue with me before the episode even ended. And those reactions matter. I mean, that's the reason why I created the episode, but also because I went through that same thing too. And I wanted to share that as a lessons learned. But here's what I want to be clear with today. Because nuance, right? It matters. And I don't believe in leaving conversations have finished. So identity itself is not the problem. So I don't want y'all to get that idea. Identity is powerful. The problem happens with what we attach it to and who benefits from that attachment. The who is very important. So today I want to talk about the healthy side of identity, the side that actually changes lives, the side that gives you agency instead of taking it away. That's the difference here. And that's the difference that I'm gonna note. So for years, for years, let me give you a background. I've read so many books on habit habit forming, which it really started with how to stop procrastination from happening. I gonna keep saying this. I am a recovering procrastinator. And most of my self-help books were that how to stop procrastination and a whole lot of how to parent. Because those were the two things that I just I was struggling a lot with. And as I do, I go and seek books because books for me are like this fountain of knowledge. I would go into a library, go research. A librarian will help me find the right books, and I will go from there. I'll feel super empowered with these books underneath my arm, going home so that way I can learn some new things and help myself. So those books led to me learning about habits because something clicked in me. And where I started to think, like, I keep hitting a wall here on like mitigating procrastinating tendencies, because most would just say, just do it, you know, basically just do it, like the Nike commercial, right? But I noted that that was not working for me, the whole just do it, and then you'll stop it.

unknown: 4:22

Right?

SPEAKER_00: 4:23

I just knew that it was something more to it, and that's when I started tapping into those self-help books that had to do about habit forming. And as it is, I read a very popular book, which is Atomic Habit. It's not the only habit forming book that I read. I I read many more, but this is the one that I'm gonna hone in on for today's episode, right? And like I said, the other books and atomic habits, they have uh a bit of a difference in their practices and the systems that they're saying, but there's a commonality in all of them that I found, and and it is something that they all agreed on. And that is that lasting change doesn't start with motivation. Let me say that again. Lasting change doesn't start with motivation, and you see, that's why I was hitting that wall when it comes to procrastination, was because those books that I was reading was saying, well, you just do it, you know. But I was like, no, how can I motivated, you know, how can I? But then through Atomic Habit and the other habit-forming books that I read, it it explained it a bit more in depth and it went beyond just do it, right? And that is something that I learned quickly that it doesn't start with motivation, it doesn't even start with discipline, it starts with identity. And I will tell you why I think I was hitting that wall, and that was because I was going after it with like discipline and motivation. I just need to get motivated, I just need to be disciplined and do it, you know. But that's why I was hitting a wall because I was starting with motivation and discipline as opposed to identity. Okay, but I'm not talking about identity as branding or identity as allegiance, more like identity as a direction, okay? So hold that in mind. Because here's the the shift that changed everything for me, because I stopped asking what habit do I want to build or what goal do I want to achieve? And instead, I asked myself, who do I want to become? You see, so I went from what goal or what habit to who do I want to become? Because habits are not just things you do, they are votes for the person you believe you are. They're like pieces of the puzzle to creating the person that you're trying to be in the future. So if you say things trying to write, that's fragile. It collapses the moment life gets in the way, or you wake up super tired with no motivation. But instead, if you say to yourself, and this is something that I've done, that's how I built my habits. I am a writer, I am a successful writer, then writing even badly, even inconsistently, becomes an expression of who you are, because you're a writer. What do writers do? They write. You see? So that identity doesn't require perfection, it just requires returning. Because you telling yourself who you are based on who you want to be, is that stabilizing force that will keep you coming back again and again and again. Because now what you're doing through your habits is you are proving to yourself time and time again that you are this person that you have told yourself you are. And this is where the difference between harmful and healthy identity attachment becomes clear. When identity is attached to external figures, like what we talked about in the last episode, politicians, celebrities, movements, it demands loyalty, it punishes doubt, it punishes critical thinking, it tells you that questioning equals betrayal. But when identity is attached to values and ideals that are aligned with you, with who you are or who you want to be, it does the complete opposite, people. It steadies you, like I said, it stabilizes you, it simplifies decisions because, like I said, now through your actions, you are telling yourself, you are validating for yourself that you are that person. So it gives you a compass as opposed to a cage that constricts you. Okay, so let me say this clearly: there is a massive difference between saying I am this person and saying I follow this person. You see, the first one strengthens your agency, the other replaces it. And that's another way that we can identify when attaching or hitching our identity is harmful versus productive. Because healthy identity attachment sounds more like someone who finishes what I start. I am someone who takes responsibility for my actions or for my healing. I am someone who shows up even when it's uncomfortable. I am someone who rests without guilt. Ooh, that's one that I need to practice. Those identities right there don't demand purity, they don't collapse when you fail. They don't require you to defend the indefensible either. They simply ask, what was someone like me do next? And you go off from there. That's when it becomes a compass. You see what I'm saying? And this works psychologically for a reason, and that is because your brain craves consistency. When your action aligns with your self-image, friction decreases. Reading stops feeling like discipline, like a chore, when you see yourself as a reader, or when you see yourself as someone who is curious. Movement stops feeling like punishment when you see yourself as someone who cares for their body. Boundaries, even, they stop feeling selfish when you see yourself as someone who values clarity or someone who values autonomy. You see what I'm saying? So you're not forcing habits, you are reinforcing alignment with what you hold dear, your values, or the person that you want to be, or the person that you are. So I have something that I call my three non-negotiable habits. And those habits are working out, I move, I do something with my body, I learn something. So I either listen to a masterclass, a podcast, I read a book, something that helps me learn something new. And my last non-negotiable habit is gratefulness. I find three things that I'm grateful for. And these are the things that I do to start my day. And why do I say that these three habits are my non-negotiable? And that is because they reinforce my identity, they reinforce the person that I am. I am a curious person, I am someone who values learning, I am a healthy individual, and I am a positive individual. You see, all these I am phrases that I just told you. I am positive, I am healthy, I value learning, I love learning. You see, so all those things are part of my identity, and these habits reinforce that, they are aligned with who I am. So that's how I have attached my identity to these things, and these habits have become second nature to me. Things that I do every single day, and it's not a chore, it's not something that I have to do, it's something that I look forward to doing and that I know are these are things that help me to be the person that I am. I think I told my therapist about my my three non-negotiables. I was like, these are the things that I must do to stay sane. You know, I know that they provide something positive for me. So it's not something that I will stop doing, or it's not something that I begrudgingly do because I know it is good for me and I benefit from them. You see what I'm saying? And that's that's what is important because I know for me, and perhaps for some of you that may have grown up in survival mode, right? Or in chaos, intentional identity is stabilizing, actually. Many of us were handed identities we didn't choose, such as the strong one, the fixer, the quiet one, the responsible one, the one who doesn't need any help. They got it. So reclaiming your identity, choosing who you're becoming is not indulgent, it's corrective. You're correcting something right now. It's how you stop repeating cycles as well that were never meant to begin or that were never meant to be yours to begin with. But let me tell you, and this matters a lot, healthy identity must stay flexible. If you remember the last episode, you remember me saying that identity is inflexible while beliefs are flexible and moldable. Here I am telling you that some sort of guardrail that you can have when it comes to attaching your identity, even for something as beneficial as what we're talking about, which is forming habits that are good for you, that stabilize you, propel you, and validate you as the person that you are, the person that you want to be, should still have some mitigating guardrails in place. Because guess what? Things change. And you should be able to, as a human being, to change as things around you, your environment or your life situation changes. So some of the things that you want to ask yourself, and some of the things that I ask myself as I audit my my habits and and my beliefs as well, is does this identity allow me to evolve? Can I question it without shame? Does it center my values, my values, or someone else's authority? Does it still work even when I mess up? If the identity collapses when you're wrong, then it's not healthy. You see, it's not flexible enough. If it requires constant defense for something that is undefensible, it's not serving you. So that's something that you want to think about. And it's something that I do every year. I should say not every year, twice a year, really, because I do it in January and I do it during my birthday month as well in August. And that is that I audit my habits. I I go back, right? Because I have more than just my three non-negotiables. I go back into what is it that I do on a day-to-day basis with my life, with my schedule? And I audit myself. And then I go see do all these tasks still serve a purpose in my life? Are they helping me? Are they hindering me? And the reason why I do this is because you heard me say it before. These habits, they support my identity. James Clear, in his book, Atomic Habits, he basically says to start with the identity, start with who you want to be. So you're basically starting with the end point, which is what is the person? Who is the person that I'm gonna see in the mirror by the time all of this is said and done? So once you have that person, that identity, which you will be holding at the end of all these tasks and habits that you do, right? Then you're gonna find out the habit that you will need to implement in order to be able to see this person in the mirror in the future. So when you are dissecting whether your identity is something that supports you, or if it has become so inflexible to where if you mess up, it just falls off, or whether you are becoming defensive over things that are indefensible, you gotta look at your habits because you would have put your habits in place in order to support this identity. So that's why I do my twice-a-year scrub of my habits to see if they're supportive of the person that I am in this vision that I want to become in the future. And that's how I want you to think about that. Start with your identity, see what habits support that identity, and then every year or twice a year, however it is that it works for your for your life or for your situation or your environment, look into scrubbing them. Reassess, is this the person that I still want to be? That's one. That should be the first reassessment. Do I still want to be this successful writer? And if the answer is yes, okay, then go to your habits. Are my habits supportive? Is getting up at 5:30 in the morning and putting a hundred words on the page still supporting this vision of me, this person that I want to be, this successful writer in the future. And if the answer is no, a hundred words is not enough, you know, then it's 500. Is it enough? And is it feasible for my life? So these are the audits, the scrub, the steps that one would have to make just to ensure that we are still in line with our future self and that identity that we hold, and more importantly, that those habits are still supportive of that. You see, and this is a way to maintain flexibility and forward momentum and not staying stagnant and not staying behind the power curve per se, because things change, technologies are implemented, right? And so certain things are going to change about you, about your future, about your your values, who you want to become, the identity, right? The person that you want to be in the future, these things may change. So it's a good rule of thumb to always look into it, rescrub it. Just like I said, if you do this for your subscriptions, and I hope you do, you should definitely do it for the habits to ensure that they're still supportive of your identity, the person that you want to be, or the person that you are, and your values for sure. End with this, and that is that you don't need to erase who you are to grow. You don't need to outsource your sense of self either. You don't need a savior or a figurehead or an ideology to tell you who you are. You know why? Because you get to choose that. You get to choose who you're becoming. And then let that choice guide your habits, your boundaries, and your healing. Identity isn't dangerous when it's yours, when it comes from you. Okay? Think about that. Thank you so much for listening to this episode about habit forming and hitching your identity to your future self, to your ideal self. I hope it helps. And I hope that you gained something from it. I am Johnny Ortega, Joa to my people, and this has been Have a CoupleJiani podcast. I hope to see you again next episode. Everyone says a new one. Alright, bye. Oh, we could we could fly. If today's episode spoke to you, share with somebody who's finding their way back too. And if you haven't yet, visit have a cup of johnny.com for more stories, blog posts, and the internet started it all. Thank you for being here. Until next time, be soft, be bold, and always have a cup of johnny.