Is Your Identity Chosen… or Inherited?

How much of who you are did you actually choose?

In this episode, I explore the quiet but powerful ways identity is inherited long before it’s examined. From family roles and cultural expectations to survival patterns formed in childhood, we unpack how many of us are living inside identities that were assigned to us, not consciously chosen.

This conversation weaves together psychology, personal growth, and ancestral influence, asking a deeper question: Are you defending who you are… or who you had to become?

We’ll talk about the difference between survival identity and growth identity, why changing can feel like betrayal, and how awareness is the first step toward choosing yourself on purpose.

If you’ve ever felt like you’re outgrowing the version of you that once kept you safe, this episode is for you.

Transcript

Grounding And Setup

SPEAKER_00 0:09

It's about coming to your stomach. To your point. To your breath. To the point you're starting. And when I'm starting, you're starting again. This is your space to reflect, respect, help you. So pour your cafe seco and let's begin. Hello everyone, and welcome back to Have a Cup of Johnny Podcast. I am Joa, your host, and we will be continuing on our conversation about identity. So I want you to grab your cup or whatever it is, so that way we can have this conversation. And let me ask you this. And this may feel or sound a bit heavy, but I want you to answer it inside of your head. Is your identity chosen or inherited? And I'm not talking about your hobbies, your favorite color, your political party. I mean the deeper stuff, the way you react to conflict, the role you play in your family, the voice in your head that tells you who you are allowed to be. Did you choose that or was it given to you? Did you inherit that? Are you all ready for this episode? I know I am because I've been thinking about this so long. And I've been thinking about it for so long that I it it seeps into my writing, mainly into the this trilogy that I'm writing. I'm on the second book right now, but you will see that in the ordinary bruja. You're certainly gonna see it in the forgotten bruja. And you will see it again in the in the third book of it, of the Cerradoras trilogy. And it's because that's something that has been like prevalent in my life. And like I said, I've been thinking about that quite a lot. And I interlace the things that I've experienced, that I've observed in my books because I ride from a seed of truth. And then I just make up a fantastical story out of it. But when when I was writing The Ordinary Bruja, it's like I just didn't invent Marisole Espinal out of nowhere, right? I am through this character really exploring what it means to be born into a story that started before you came into this world, into an identity that was handed down to you. And I explore that because in a way I felt reflected in that struggle. You see what I'm saying? When it comes to that character and to myself, it was like I didn't choose it. You know, Marisol didn't choose her lineage, she didn't choose the expectations placed on her, she didn't choose then the silence that became part of her life through her mom and her grandmother and everyone else that came before her. You see what I'm saying? And like I said, it it was like writing these characters was like a mirror to me. It was like my own way of working through my own crap that has been handed down to me. And that's another reason why I love writing so much, because to me, it's a way of solving these ingrained issues that I have had, or exploring them at the very least, and it's very therapeutic. But let's go deeper into this, and some of you may resonate because some of us inherited identities, like they're erlums, like they're I don't even think I'm saying it right, like like they're just things that are handed down to you on a will. You become either the strong one, the quiet one, the responsible one, the peacemaker, the one who doesn't need help. That is usually like the first daughter in the family. And sometimes those identities are praised. Remember how in a previous episode I told you that there's a good side to attaching or hitching our identity to ideals, and that is when it comes to habit forming, to embracing routines and tasks and habits in your life in order to propel you to accomplish things, right? So, in a way, we are growing up, and our parents or whoever the adults are in our childhood are praising certain things, in a way, they are reinforcing that identity. They're making that identity more solid, cemented in ourselves, right? In our sense of selves. So when we're being praised for doing certain things, which reinforce being the strong one, the quiet one, the responsible one, the peacemaker, the one who doesn't need any help, they're cementing that for us. You see what I'm saying? But praise doesn't mean they were chosen. When you grow up in certain environments, identity isn't explored per se, it's assigned. And if you do it well enough, you survive in those identities that were assigned to you and that was cemented through pracing or through that type of reinforcement. But survival identities are not always growth identities, they're not necessarily the ones that will stay with us. They're not necessarily the ones that we need in different facets or different phases of our lives. And perhaps they probably weren't even the ones that we needed at that time when it was they were assigned to us, but sometimes there is no choice there. You see what I'm saying? And here's what I've noticed. Many of us confuse the identities that kept us safe, the ones that was assigned to us that we survive with, with the identities that reflect who we truly are. And I was given tasks that were not meant for me for a child. But through the praising, through the reinforcement of that identity, I embraced it as my own. And I became this self-sufficient person, but a toxic self-sufficient person, if I must be honest, because it taught me not to ask for help. And it taught me to hide when I was struggling, when I was drowning in feelings, in tasks that I couldn't do on my own. When I was feeling overwhelmed, I would hide it. And that just grew into resentment, into anxiety, into all these different issues. And all of that happened because I took that identity that was assigned the mature one, the strong one, as me, as my own, right? You may have been assigned the easy one, right? Oh, she's so easygoing, you know. And now you may struggle to express anger or assert yourself. If you were the strong one, like me, that was one of my identities, you may not know how to rest. And to this day, I still get anxiety over not doing anything. I feel like I must be productive with every second of my waking life. And and because of that, I don't know how to rest. I don't know how to have hobbies, just to have hobbies either. I think that every hobby should be monetized. But little by little, I am learning to take that rest, right? But that's the thing. Like I told you about identity, is that a good thing and a bad thing, a blessing and a curse is that identity is like almost permanent. It's like a cement house. You see what I'm saying? I mean, don't get me wrong, it can still be changed, it can still be molded, it can still be switched, but it is so hard. And it is a blessing because when you are trying to change your life and you are trying to do things to better yourself, if you attach tasks to your identity in the way that I explained in the previous episode, it most likely gonna work for you because that is such a permanent feeling when you say, I am a healthy person, and that prompts you to eat healthier foods and to carry a healthier lifestyle. You see what I'm saying? But then on the same token, when you have these identities, like what happened to me, and perhaps it happened to you as well, that they were assigned to you in your childhood or at a time where you weren't cognizant or you weren't able to logically fight back against it. Perhaps you didn't know who you were, so you just took it as is, right? Then it becomes this massive monster that you have to fight against. And when you start changing, when you start questioning those roles, something really uncomfortable happens. It feels like betrayal, and not just of others, but of yourself, because that's the version of yourself that you know, that's the version of yourself that got you through all of that. Like my therapist said, she was like, Well, those things got you to survive your childhood, you know. So me dismantling that, dismantling being the strong one, being the mature one, and and taking away the fear of resting, and taking away the fear of asking for help, and taking away all of that, it's almost as if I am slapping old Joa and saying, I don't need you anymore. That's how it feels. You see what I'm saying? So it's it's it's tough to do because identity is so like semi-permanent here, you know? So and loyal human being, very loyal to those that I love. And this is a version of me that have seen me through some tough stuff, you know, some very tough crap, and and I owe her so much. But the way that I've tried to to look at it is while dismantling it, I am paying homage to that part of me. I am saying thank you. I will set this down for now. You know, but it's it's so much more layered than that because we just don't inherit culture, we inherit coping mechanisms, we inherit other things, right? Like silence, like fear, beliefs of what makes us lovable as well. And I don't want to say that that is like part of a culture of a group of people. I think it's it's more like acceptable behavior that is part of that community or that group of people, and then people mistake it sometimes as culture. That's the culture. But I just I I refuse to believe that, right? That that culture are these very harmful ideologies, right, that we inherited through a group of people that we are in community with. And sometimes, right, through that group of people, through that community that we're born into or we grew into, we inherit shame as well. That was never ours to carry. And that is where it connects to identity in a deeper way. Because if you've been listening to the last few episodes, we talked about attaching, hitching our identity, right? And how hitching our our identity, ourselves to political figures, to celebrities or ideals can shut down growth. Because now we stop questioning, we become defensive, because now if somebody is attacking the ideals of that figure or that celebrity, it's almost as if they're attacking us, right? But this right here, where I'm what I'm talking about, this is more personal because sometimes we're not defending just a political belief, we are defending an inherited self. And letting go of that identity feels like losing our place in the family story. And you, if you're part of a community that is community-centric or family-centric, I can only speak for Latinos, like a Latino community, right? This is going to hit hard. It's going to hit very hard because this is how you're able to identify yourself within that family structure. And to lose that almost makes you want to believe as if you're not part of that family unit anymore. But here's the truth that has been sitting with me. And that is, like I told you before, right? You can honor that identity, you can honor that past self where you come from without becoming trapped in it. You can love your family, your community, your family unit, and still choose differently. You can acknowledge and give thanks to that which allowed you to survive without letting it define your future. It's like I said, like I can put this down now. It no longer serves me. It served me in the past, and I am thankful for it. But now I'm gonna take it off and I'm gonna put it down with love, and I'm gonna move forward, embracing this new sense of self that now serves me better. You see what I'm saying? Choosing your identity doesn't mean rejecting your inheritance, rejecting your your place in your community. It means examining it, keeping what aligns, releasing what confines. And we talked a little bit about this as well. How I rehash these habits, I do kind of like a habit scrub twice a year to see the stills align with where I'm trying to go. And by scrubbing those habits in a way I'm trying to ensure is this the identity that I want to maintain? Is this identity still serving me where I'm at now and where I'm trying to be in the future? You see what I'm saying? And if that is a yes, I scrub my habits to ensure that the habits are backing that up as well. So that's what I mean when it's like keep what aligns and release what is holding you back. And you do that through conscious scrubbing of those things. And I think some people may work, may call it shadow work, and it in a way that's kind of like what it is, right? You are introspectively looking at yourself. You can write it down, you can record it through voice or through video, and just examine those things, those actions that you do every day, see why do you do those actions every day, and see if it aligns with the person that I am and the person that I'm trying to become? I trying to become a strong person. Am I trying to become a wealthy individual? Am I trying to become a healthy individual? Am I trying to become a happy individual and figure out what does it take for you to get there and see if the habits and the tasks and the things that you're doing align with that? Right? And if not, what do you need to change? Is it who you're trying to be and who you are, or is it the habits that may not be aligning with that? And let me say something gently, because this is a mirror to me. If you were raised in chaos, in instability, and this shameful silence and high expectations, you inherited identity probably served a purpose. Right? What was handed to you is served you, it protected you. Right? Just like my therapist said. She was like, Well, that helped you out then, right? You needed that to survive that moment in your life. But protection and expression are not the same thing. That identity that kept you safe may not be the identity that now lets you expand. You see? So just like I said, just put it down with love. If that is the case, put it down with love. Think that part of yourself, think it, love on it, and put it down. Say thank you so much for everything you've given me. So here's the question I want you to sit with this week. If no one was watching, if no one expected anything, if you weren't trying to prove anything, who would you be? And if the answer feels unfamiliar, that doesn't mean it's wrong. It means you're meeting yourself outside of what you inherited. Like I said, I write from a grain of truth, always, always, always. Because identity is not theoretical for me. It's it's ancestral, it's community-based, it's interwoven in the culture, it's layered. And the most radical thing I've learned is this. That is that you are allowed to choose yourself. You are allowed to choose yourself, not the version that survived, not the version that was given to you, not the version that you chose before you knew yourself. But the version that you choose now thank you so much for sitting with me through this episode. I know it was kind of heavy, and I hope that you. Something from this, you took something from this. All right. So I will see you next week for another new episode of the Have a Cup of Joanny podcast. Please take care of yourselves. Don't rush to redefine yourself. Just notice what you inherited for now and let that awareness be the thing where you start questioning and where freedom begins for you. Alright, see y'all next week. Bye. Oh, we could we could fly. If today's episode spoke to you, share with somebody who's finding their way back too. And if you haven't yet, visit have a cup of joinny.com for more stories, blog posts, and the gets that started it all. Thank you for being here. Until next time, be soft, be bold, and always have a cup of join.