What was a near-death experience for you?

Danielle discusses an accident that changed her life.

Transcript

Okay, so my name is Danielle Zak and my pronouns are she/her.  My story starts when I was 18 I moved from Canada to Australia for school.  During my second year of college, when I was 20 I was hit by a car as a pedestrian walking on the sidewalk.  And like reflecting on that now you just never think that that's going to be your story or you're going to have that dramatic moment that changes your life forever.  But that's definitely what happened to me, and I can like still remember the sound of the vehicle hitting me and like waking up on the cement and, like the sounds like the environment and my friends around me and the school around me all those things.  And, and I remember feeling like the adrenaline was so intense, but then also like I was so calm and direct and like I just knew what I needed which I was just so that was, I was able to keep myself so calm, because I just knew that I was communicating everything I needed and felt so good about that.  But then the witnesses started freaking out which kind of like spiked my anxiety because I think that helps you realize what's actually happening in the moment.  And then, like, as I was laying there I just like slowly the pain started like kicking in, and then the paramedics showed up, ambulance showed up.  Like I could hear my best friend like calling my name and stuff and then it became like more like gradually more and more real of like what was happening.  Which is just a very surreal experience when you're like a 20 year old living abroad doing your own thing and then you wake up on the cement from a vehicle. It's pretty crazy.  And like yeah pretty much how that vehicle hit me.  And I just flew across the road and landed on the cement luckily my head wasn't damaged because of how I landed. Luckily I put my hand up actually in that prevented me from breaking my skull essentially which is amazing super super lucky how I landed.  I broke my phone, but I didn't break my skull, which was the main thing. I actually didn't even have any cuts on my face, which was really crazy. I did have you know lots of cuts on my legs and arms and stuff like that.  And like in their ambulance I remember my friend came with me, but like just to stay calm again like I knew what I needed, so I actually singing to myself, through the ambulance just to keep myself calm because they're not able to give you a certain  amount of like painkillers or, I guess, they have a limit, because when you get to the hospital, they need to be able to move you around and see what hurts and what's happening and to take scans and all that type of stuff.  So just to keep myself calm I, I sang to myself, because I knew that there was something wrong play legs and I knew that if something's wrong my legs my career was going to change and that my education was all going to change.  And so, just to keep myself calm, I was like we're gonna just sing it out and be as calm as possible, but that only lasted so long until I was absolutely screaming in pain.  So yeah That was a really intense experience that I feel like I am continually processing.  And pretty much what happened was the driver who was in the parking lot had been at a funeral so he shouldn't have been driving anyways initially.  And he had put his he was idling but he had put his emergency brake on and went to reach something for something in the back of the car.  And when he did that he pressed on the gas and his vehicle is the type that if you press on the gas it actually releases it.  And so, then he went flying forward he hit me fully across the road like a normal side road, so I guess that's 10 to 20 feet and then my two friends actually were also hit and they kind of were bonked to the side.  And so that was also a very interesting thing to discover and like comprehend that it's such an easy thing that anyone can do and finding grace for him, in that it's a very easy mistake that I feel like anybody could make, and I know I've made countless mistakes that could result in something as traumatic or as damaging like that potentially while driving and stuff so.  Yeah that has also been super super intense so pretty much from that moment of when I was in the accident I've always been in pain, since then, whether it's physical, mental, emotional or spiritual there hasn't been a day since September 19 2017 that I haven't been in pain.  And I have nerve damage and chronic pain, because of that accident and during that time, when the accident happened, I was studying dance at school in Australia.  And because of the location of the accident, I actually had to be right in this space where I was hit every single day.  And so I was around all the people who had seen me get hit, and it also was an art program but also a Bible school that I went to, which yeah I don't feel like this school dealt with the situation while and I definitely saw the negative part of religion come out during that time, which was a very big shock to see how people react to trauma and things that are hard to understand and I had some really amazing experiences with friends, but I had really damaging psychological conversations with people regarding the accident and being blamed that the accident was my fault, because God needed to teach me a lesson or yeah I needed something bad to happen happened to me, so I could learn something or I deserve to be hit because I did whatever in my past.  And so that was really eye opening for me just to see how many people have been through similar situations and I had just no idea of how damaging that can be and how powerful words are because I, for me, personally I think psychological traumas a lot more intense than the physical trauma, although they go hand in hand quite well, I think.  So after that I was in a rehab program for about two years, just under two years.  And the main part of that was just learning to walk again because I had been on crutches for about eight months.  And with nerve damage and just the swelling in my limbs and stuff like that, weight bearing was super difficult so to be able to learn how to walk again well in pain and just that's just kind of how it was.  With just going to a lot of like counseling psychologist doctors and any physical rehab massages just learning how to really articulate your feet and how you stand and staff, which has really taught me how amazing the body is that it can one heal itself but also you can really learn how to do things.  And I remember my nephew was actually learning to walk at the same time as me relearning how to walk and that was like it was actually pretty cool to be like wow people are really amazing like how much we can adapt and learn and grow together at any stage whether you're a little or old, we both have these skills that we can potentially need to learn to do, and we have that ability.  And so that was yeah a really cool thing to learn, and as far as the injuries now they did actually take me from the career that I had, which was teaching dance and and I never really had a plan B before the accident, I was very very active very like played a lot of sports did a lot of competition is a dance competitions.  Being you know lots of hikes very bubbly personality, whereas now my personality has actually flipped quite intensely because of that and just needing to figure out and give myself grace to grieve the person I used to be and be okay, with my new reality and discovering different things that I'm good at or that I like doing has been super healing and probably the most difficult part is just to give myself permission to grieve the person that I used to be. And that it's okay, that I miss the things that I used to be able to do, and that also accepting my new body it's something that prevents me from being the person, I want to be in prevents me from what I want to do, but at the same time it teaches me a lot of things and has taught me a lot of grace in a lot of things about grieving and compassion for myself and for other people.  And I think that in itself is a super big gift, even though I don't I would never wish it on anyone or myself, and I think it's a very like powerful thing to be able to have grace for yourself.  And just finding connections within that because I think when you're in an accident in a very young person when you're injured or have something that's taken away from you that suddenly, it can be really lonely.  But when you find a connection with someone that understands you on a deep level of like experiencing something as traumatic as a car accident and having your physical abilities taken away from you.  It is a special bond that I think pain can only bond you in that way and you can't put words to it, but I think it's really special so for that I always try to.  Remember, to be thankful, even when I'm in a lot of pain or flare up because those connections are something that I would have never had otherwise, and I think they're part of a really awesome gift that I have now moving forward in my life.