Assertiveness Unleashed: Striking the perfect balance between 'too loud' and 'too soft'

Mastering Assertiveness: Demystifying the Fine Line between Assertiveness and Aggression

In this episode of the Leadership Prescription Podcast for Women Physicians, host Dr. Asha Padmanabhan explores the oft-misunderstood concept of assertiveness. She dispels myths associating it with aggression and explains how it is actually rooted in respectful communication. Assertiveness, according to Dr. Asha, involves three key ingredients: confidence, clarity, and empathy. She provides practical tips to become more assertive, such as setting personal boundaries, owning your space, and expressing your needs and opinions. She concludes by inviting listeners to join her for tailored coaching sessions to work on these concepts in depth.

00:00 Introduction and Welcome

00:12 Understanding the Dilemma of Assertiveness

01:21 Debunking Myths about Assertiveness

01:45 The Misconception of Assertiveness

02:25 The True Meaning of Assertiveness

03:32 The Ingredients of Assertiveness

08:05 Practical Tips for Assertiveness

08:12 Setting Boundaries

09:24 Owning Your Space

10:51 Expressing Your Needs and Opinions

13:01 Conclusion and Invitation

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Transcript

0:07

Hi there and welcome back to the Leadership Prescription Podcast for Women Physicians. Today, I'm going to talk to you about a common dilemma. How do you assert yourself without crossing the line into aggression? We as women physicians have faced this challenge time and time again, if you are too loud. We are labeled aggressive. If you're too soft, then we are told to speak up. So today I want to talk about that because it's something that I faced and I'm sure many of you have faced. And it's a really delicate dance, but with the right steps, you can master it to. I'm your host, Dr. Asha Padmanabhan. I'm a practicing anesthesiologist and a physician leader. I'm also the founder of leadership RX coaching. Where I help women physicians achieve their full potential professionally while leading a personally fulfilled and balanced life through teaching them the essential skills of conflict management, effective communication and time management. So welcome back to a deep dive from the previous episodes where we have talked about communication and conflict resolution. So let's start by debunking some myths about assertiveness. Often we as women physicians shy away from being assertive. Because we are tangled up in the misconception that it means being aggressive or overbearing. But in reality, so deafness is all about respectful communication. And is the golden mean between passive silence? And aggressive confrontation. So why is assertiveness so often misunderstood? It could stand from cultural cues that suggest that being strong in your communication equates to being too much. Or intimidating, especially for women. Now there's a narrative that you need to soften your words to be likable. But that can often leave you unheard. Especially as women physicians. When we try to soften our words, when we try to be more passive aggressive, we want to be liked. We then get frustrated because we then feel Unheard. It's time for you to relate that story. Being assertive is actually about honoring your truth and your voice. It's about being honest and straightforward. Without the fear of overshadowing others. And it's the clarity that cuts through noise and confusion. And then surgical telecoms. It's a scalpel. Not a sledgehammer. It's precise. It's intentional. And most importantly, it's rooted in a deep sense of self-respect. And respect for others. Sometimes. We are not assertive when we feel that others might get hurt. And that just backfires on us. So today, as I'm exploring this topic with you, I'd love for you to let go of those old beliefs about yourself. Dimness. And set aside the fear of being labeled too much or aggressive. So assertiveness, isn't actually about changing who you are. It's about expressing the best of yourself, the most authentic version of yourself. And we're going to explore how to do that. So think of assertiveness. Like a recipe. It has three main ingredients. Number one is confidence. Number two is clarity. And number three is empathy. So confidence, number one. Confidence is not just feeling sure of yourself. It's actually showing it. It's in the way you stand the steady eye contact. You hold the form, but pleasant tone of your voice. And sometimes I find that many women physicians. Are just so unsure of yourself. That this might be the thing that you might have to walk on. When you feel those impossible thoughts that you might not be right. That you might not belong, that someone else's right. Then here is where I would invite you to look back on your history. Look at where you are now compared to where you were. Five years ago, you went through med school, you went through residency, you're in a job. What is there to feel, not confident about yourself for. You have done so much. So if you have to do a new procedure, Or if you have to speak up in a meeting. Thinking that you don't know enough. Maybe you don't know enough. At that moment on one specific topic, but that's something that you can learn. You've spent your entire life learning. So, this is one of the key ingredients in being assertive is learning that confidence in yourself. And learning to acknowledge it and then express it. The next part, the next ingredient is clarity. So clarity means being succint and direct with your words. So many times we wander around the Bush. Not actually getting to the point I'm guilty of that many times. And usually it's because I'm telling myself in my mind that I don't want to hurt the other person. They will feel that I'm mean if I say something not nice to them. And Even listen to my words, when I say not nice, right? We want to be. Held as nice people. We want to be liked. Want to be. Pleasing to others, but that can backfire on you. So clarity. That's being succinct and direct to the words mean. Means no Mandarin, no ambiguity, just straight to the heart of the matter. Now I don't mean that you have to Raise your voice and just hammer your point down. But this is where the third ingredient comes in and that is the empathy. And the empathy is the seasoning, the balances, the dish. It's your ability to understand and respect the feelings and the perspective of others while communicating. So it's not about stream loling over the conversation. It's really about paving a two-way street. Without empathy. The clarity that's being direct. Will not come across as. effectively as if you add the empathy to it. That's why I say it's a seasoning that balances the dish. So let's mix all of these together and see what this looks like. So picture this you're in a meeting and you have a divergent opinion. You're confident of what, you know, remember I told you, confidence comes first. And if ever you feel. The lack of confidence. Think about all the times in your past. That you have succeeded. And borrow that belief in yourself. From when you last succeeded. So now you're here in this meeting and now you're confident that what you have to say. Is accurate. You wait for an opening. Your standards set up a little straighter. Your project that confidence. And then you interject with a clear. I have a different perspective. I'd like to share. See how simple that is and direct and concise. And then. You could say. Adding empathy. I see where you're coming from. And I think there's another angle we could consider. You've just created a blend of assertiveness that's palatable and effective. Think about when you're in a meeting. If someone said this to you, Would you get angry or upset? Not really right. you would listen to what that person was saying. So. Just to reiterate confidence. And showing it. Clarity. Succint and direct with your words. Mixed in with empathy. So how do we turn these ingredients into a habit? Here are some practical tips for you. So let's start with the cornerstone of assertiveness, and that is setting boundaries. When you set boundaries, you are able to be. Assertive. Without being aggressive. And so many times it's so hard for us as women physicians to set those boundaries. So you have to start small. You can start by practicing to say no to small things. Now remember. You don't need to give an excuse or you don't need to give a reason. Y you're saying no. You can simply say no, I won't be able to commit to that or no. Thank you. That's all. No can be a complete sentence in itself. So many times they get lost in trying to explain. And going into long winded explanations about why we are so sorry. We are saying no. Why we wish we could have said yes, not necessary. You just need to learn to set that simple boundary of saying no, I won't be able to commit to that or just, no, thank you. This lays the groundwork for bigger, more significant boundaries. Next on your space. That doesn't mean being physically Imposing. It's about presence. In your next interaction, be mindful of your posture. Stand tall or sit up straight and make eye contact. Speak clearly. And at a measured pace. This tells the world. I respect myself and my message. And you should too. There is Plenty of YouTube videos on this, on power moves. And I forget who actually did the power move video, but it's all over the internet and it's been used multiple times. I've used it myself. Anytime before you go into a meeting. You could do the power move. And I can link it in the show notes. But I also tell my coaching clients. To use the two minutes before you go into a meeting. To take some really deep breaths. Center yourself. Focus on that breath or any physical sensation of you being in your body? And then when you're going to a meeting, you can use that. While you're sitting in a meeting, you can do the same thing. We call this the PQ reps for my coaching clients, which is the mental fitness aspect of what I coach. And they learn to become mindful and or not their space. So The loan to stand stall or sit up straight and make eye contact and speak clearly. So that's the tip number two. And tip number three is don't shy away from expressing your needs and your opinions. This is really hard for us to do. We even when we have opinions, might sometimes. Keep them to ourselves. Because again, we don't want to be thought of as, too. Aggressive or having a different opinion from the others around us. The same thing with expressing our needs. They've been socialized and taught time and time again from the time we were little. to really take care of others and to take care of others' needs. And then we go from there. I do even having our own families taking care of our kids needs and everyone else's our spouses. And we forget to express our own needs. So why don't you start small? Maybe in a one-on-one conversation with a trusted colleague. Think about what you want to say in advance and prepare. Youth I statements, like I feel. R I believe. To express yourself. This is about affirming your right to have an express. Your thoughts. And I'm giving you permission to do that. You have the right to express your own thoughts. You have the right to have them. So every moment of assertiveness is a building block towards a stronger. More confident to you. It's totally not about a complete whole overnight. It's about incremental, consistent steps forward. So just to remind you. The three practical tips. Set boundaries. Own your space. And thirdly, don't shy away from expressing needs and opinions. In my coaching sessions, we delve deeper. We work on scenarios. We role play conversations and we build a personalized toolkit for assertiveness. It's all about equipping you with the skills to stand firm in your decisions and express your thoughts without second guessing yourself or without guilt. So dumbness is an art and like any artist you need to practice your craft. If you're looking for some guidance tailored to your unique challenges. Come join me. On my emails and newsletters. And I will put the link in the show notes below. Meanwhile. If you enjoyed this podcast, subscribe, follow, share with your friends and stay tuned for more insights.