Why Guilt Keeps You Saying Yes: and How to Break Free of the Guilt- Resentment Cycle

Welcome to The Leadership Rx for Women Physicians! In this episode, Dr. Asha Padmanabhan tackles one of the most emotionally draining patterns that keeps women physicians stuck: the guilt-resentment cycle.

If you’ve ever said yes out of guilt, only to end up feeling resentful toward the person you helped, the situation, or even yourself, you’re not alone. This exhausting loop leaves us emotionally drained and overcommitted.

Dr. Padmanabhan breaks down the three stages of the guilt-resentment cycle and offers the first steps toward breaking free. This episode will help you recognize guilt as a signal, not a directive, and reclaim control over your boundaries.

What You’ll Learn in This Episode:

1. What the guilt-resentment cycle is and why it keeps you stuck.
2. The three stages of the cycle: guilt, resentment, and repeating the loop.
3. How guilt often masquerades as a sign to say yes, when it’s actually a cue to pause and reevaluate.
4. How breaking this cycle starts with recognizing and addressing guilt, not suppressing it.

Key Moments in the Episode:

• [0:00] Introduction: Recap of previous episodes and today’s topic.
• [2:00] A personal story about overcommitting out of guilt and the resentment that followed.
• [4:30] Stage 1: Guilt as a motivator—why we feel obligated to say yes.
• [6:00] Stage 2: Resentment builds—how overcommitting affects your mood and relationships.
• [8:30] Stage 3: Repeating the cycle—why guilt and resentment feed each other.
• [11:00] Breaking the cycle: The first step toward setting guilt-free boundaries.
• [12:00] Closing thoughts and invitation to the webinar.

Related Resources:

📅 Register for the free webinar, Master the Art of Saying No – How to Set Boundaries Without Guilt:
https://asha-padmanabhan.mykajabi.com/mastering-the-art-of-saying-no-LRX

Connect with Dr. Asha Padmanabhan:

🌐 Website: www.theleadershiprx.com
📝 Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/asha.padmanabhan.9
📸 Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/asha.md/
💼 LinkedIn: http://linkedin.com/in/ashapadmanabhan

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Transcript

Asha: 0:08

Hello there and welcome back to the Leadership Prescription Podcast for Women Physicians. I'm Dr. Asha Padmanabhan and I'm so glad you're here. I'm your host. I'm a Board Certified Anesthesiologist and a Master Certified Physician Coach. I coach women physicians in essential career and leadership skills so you too can have a fulfilling career with the work life balance that you want. And I'm so glad you're here today. If you've been following this series, you know I've been tackling some of the most pressing challenges we women physicians face when it comes to saying no. In the first episode, I talked about why it's so hard for us to say no. And in the second episode, I explored the real cause to us of saying yes too often. If you haven't listened to those, please go back and listen after you hear this one. Now, today I am going to focus on an emotional pattern that keeps so many of us stuck. It's called the guilt resentment cycle. This is what happens when we say yes out of guilt, only to end up feeling resentful later, toward the very person we are trying to help, or the situation, or even ourselves. Does this sound familiar? If this is something you've experienced, like I have, stay with me. By the end of this episode, you'll have a clearer understanding of how the cycle works and what you can start doing to break free. And I'm also going to share details about my free upcoming webinar, Mastering the Art of Saying No, How to Set Boundaries Without Guilt, where I'm going to dive deeper into solutions that you can put into practice right away. So, I was exhausted. It had been a long week and I was looking forward to the weekend and really resting and relaxing and recharging, when a colleague texted me. She had had an emergency come up and she asked if I could cover her weekend shift. She was profusely apologetic and several of our colleagues had already said no and she felt like she was at the end of her tether. I too wanted to say no, cause I really needed the break and I was exhausted. But then guilt crept in. And I found myself thinking, what if she thinks I am not supportive, what if when I need help she is not going to be there for me, what if my chief thinks I am not a team player, they will be stuck if I don't help. So what happened, I ended up saying yes, even though it meant sacrificing my weekend and my time with my family. I was physically and emotionally drained by the end of that weekend, and I felt resentful. Why am I always the one they ask? Don't they know I'm busy too? Didn't they know that I had a rough week and I needed the weekend? And also, resentful at myself, I wish I'd just said no. And my frustration affected my mood and it then reflected on my subsequent interactions with the staff and my colleagues. And I promised myself I'm going to say no the next time. But then another colleague asked for a favor. And then the guilt returned. They're counting on me. I don't want to seem unkind. He really needs this help. I'll just do this one last time. I said yes again, and then the cycle repeated. Does this sound familiar? This has happened to me over and over over the years. And I've heard other women physicians talk about this as well. And that's why I want to talk to you about the guilt resentment cycle. So what is it and why does it have such a powerful hold on us? Let's break it down into three stages. The first stage, the cycle, begins with guilt. As women physicians, we are often conditioned to put others first. Whether it's our patients, colleagues or family, we feel like a deep sense of obligation to say yes whenever someone asks for our help. Think about the last time you agreed to do something you didn't want to do. Maybe it was yesterday, maybe it was a week ago, maybe it was a month ago, but I'm sure you can remember something. Maybe it was staying late to cover for a colleague. Maybe it was volunteering for a committee you didn't have time for. Why did you say yes? For many of us, it's because saying no feels selfish, or like we are letting someone down. This guilt can be overwhelming and it convinces us that we should say yes, even when it's at the expense of our own needs, like my need for having a relaxed weekend and to recharge. But the truth is, guilt is often a sign that we are learning to set boundaries, not that we are doing something wrong. Recognizing this is the first step. The second step. Step in the cycle. After we say yes out of guilt, the resentment starts to creep in, just like it did with me in my example. Why? Because we're all human. When you have stretched yourself too thin, it's natural to feel frustrated. And you might start resenting the person who asked for your help, the situation you agreed to, or yourself for not saying no, just like I did. So, just like I did, you may have agreed to take on an extra shift, but you're exhausted the next day and then you feel angry at your colleague for asking. You volunteered for a committee, but then your schedule filled up and you feel resentful that no one else stepped up. You said yes to a favor, but deep down you're annoyed that the other person didn't consider your time. Does this sound familiar? Resentment is a clear signal that your boundaries have been crossed or that you let your boundaries be crossed. And when we don't address it, we often suppress these feelings and we perpetuate the cycle. The third stage of the cycle is repeating the same cycle. Instead of breaking free, the guilt returns, convincing us that we need to make up for our resentment by saying yes again. It's a vicious loop that leaves us emotionally drained and stuck in overcommitment. Why does this happen? Because guilt and resentment feed into each other. We feel bad for being resentful, so we try to compensate by over giving. For But this only leads to more resentment and the cycle continues. The good news? Breaking the cycle is possible. And the first step is recognizing that guilt is a normal response. You can use the guilt as a cue to pause and evaluate what's truly best for you. So this guilt resentment cycle is exhausting, but it's not permanent. When you understand how the pattern works, You've already taken the first step toward breaking free, just like I did. The next step is to learn how to set boundaries that are aligned with your own values and priorities and doing it without guilt. Or if you haven't learned what your values and priorities are, that would be a step to take is to figure out what your values are, what your priorities are, and then set boundaries that align with your values and your priorities. If you're ready to take that step, I'd love for you to join my upcoming free webinar, Mastering the Art of Saying No, How to Set Boundaries Without Guilt. And in that webinar, I'm going to dive into strategies for recognizing and interrupting the guilt resentment cycle. So, you can learn how to reclaim your own time and energy and you can learn how to say no and set boundaries without feeling guilty. The webinar link will be in the show notes and I would love to see you there. If you found this valuable, please do like, review and share this episode with your friends. And have them sign up for the webinar too because remember, saying no isn't about letting people down. It's about showing up fully where it matters the most. Thanks again and I'll talk to you next time.