You’re Not Lost—You’ve Outgrown Their Map

1 BIG IDEA
You’re not lost—you’ve just outgrown a version of success that was never yours to begin with. When you stop following other people’s maps and start trusting your internal compass, you begin leading from a place of clarity, not conformity.

3 WAYS TO APPLY THIS

• Recognize how Assumptions, Beliefs, and Conditioning (your ABCs) shape your default decisions
• Reconnect with your Core Values as the foundation for building your own leadership map
• Shift from fear-based leadership to values-based conviction—just like Jesse Cole and the Savannah Bananas

3 QUESTIONS TO ASK YOURSELF

• Where in your leadership are you still following someone else’s expectations?
• What part of your internal compass have you been ignoring?
• What would it look like to stop performing—and start building your own map?

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RESOURCES & NEXT STEPS
Episodes mentioned: 

Deconstruction & Core Values: Your Blueprint for Authentic Growth
Listen:  https://www.buzzsprout.com/1282826/episodes/16197163
Watch on YouTube: https://youtu.be/a46yErlm7c0  

Demystifying Deconstruction, The Hidden Gem of Personal Growth 

Listen:  https://www.buzzsprout.com/1282826/14471379

Watch on YouTube: https://youtu.be/Zw9itT-3Zhk 

Get your Free Core Values Blueprint: https://www.theintentionaloptimist.com/corevaluesexercise
Invest in Core Values Coaching: https://www.theintentionaloptimist.com/core-values-beta 

Join Andrea LIVE at THRIVE in ‘25 Live2Lead!

Secure your seat in Charlottesville or Lynchburg, VA—two powerhouse events where purpose-driven leaders come to recharge, refocus, and rise.

CHARLOTTESVILLE: https://www.theintentionaloptimist.com/live2lead-charlottesville-2025 

LYNCHBURG: https://www.theintentionaloptimist.com/live2lead-lynchburg-2025 

LET’S CONTINUE THE CONVERSATION
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Let’s chat: andrea@theintentionaloptimist.com

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Prefer to watch instead? Catch the full episode on YouTube: https://youtu.be/2Z187ltpIXg 

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Transcript

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SPEAKER_00 0:01

Little, you're listening to Stand Hall and Own It, a podcast for high-performing female leaders who are ready to make an impact by discovering the safety that comes from understanding their own values and exercising their own authority. I'm your host, Andrea Johnson, and I'm here to tell you it is time to just truly be you, my strong friend. It's time to stand tall and own it. Hey there, welcome back to Stand Tall and Own It. This is the podcast where we equip purpose-driven women to lead with authenticity and impact. So if that's you, you are in the right place, my friend. I am your host, Andrea Johnson, the intentional optimist. And today we're talking about what it means to stop following someone else's path. This has been my story for a very long time. And the more women I work with, and actually the more people I talk to, the more I realize it is not just a woman thing, and it is not just my thing. So it's time to start looking at building your own and what that might look like. Because let's be honest, if you've ever felt off track, off plan, or, you know, it sounds terrible to say something like this, but just plain lost. It might not be that you don't know where you're going. It might be that you're just done walking some road that someone else has paved for you. Someone else has like laid out the path. Now, last week we explored critical thinking as your hidden leadership superpower, but today we're gonna go deeper on what happens when you stop outsourcing your direction and start trusting what's already inside you. It's the next logical step. It may not be the easiest, but it is definitely the next one. Because, my dear, you are not lost. You're just done with everyone else's map. You're done doing it like everybody else says. It's exactly the right time where your discernment needs to start kicking in. And that's where your core values come in, right? Why does this matter? Well, I'm trying to bring all this full circle and into focus for you because understanding and honoring your core values gives you the discernment to lead from internal conviction, not external expectation. It's your compass, your wayfinding tool for when the path runs out or when it never really fit to begin with. But I want you to hear me, this isn't about rebellion, though, right? It's about agency. It's about walking forward with the quiet confidence that says, this is mine. I built this. Ralph Waldo Emerson said it this way: don't go where the path may lead. Go instead where there is no path and leave a trail. And that I think sums up what I'd like to do here. This is what I want to do for you and what I'd love to teach you to do. And I gotta tell you, this entire season of leadership conversations has me really thinking a lot about who gets to make the map in the first place, right? So if you've been feeling a little like your old strategies aren't working or like you've been following a plan that never quite felt right in the first place, this episode is your invitation to pause, reset, and reclaim your direction. Alrighty, let's get into it. Let's talk about what it actually feels like to follow somebody else's map. Because you might be saying, well, that sounds great, Andrea, that may be what's going on, but what does that mean? Well, for some, it's gonna feel like freedom, especially at first. I know it did for me. It feels like relief. You've been handed a plan right here, a formula, a track to run on. And if you've been conditioned to follow the rules, to color inside the lines, or to wait for permission before making bold moves, the map can really feel like a gift. But here's the problem. Over time, that pre-written map starts to feel a little tight and constricting. You start to sense the discomfort between what you're doing and who you really are. And that's when the friction shows up. You might feel exhausted or like you're constantly second-guessing yourself. Is this really what I want to do? You know, maybe it's just this low-grade hum in the background that says, this isn't it. This surely couldn't be all there is. But I just don't know what else to follow. Don't worry. It's not failure, it's feedback. We've talked about that before. And that disconnect that you feel, that is often the moment where you finally realize this map doesn't fit me anymore. And by map, I mean plan for whatever you're doing, right? But to be clear, most of us didn't choose the map that we're on or the plan that we're on consciously. We might think we did, but most of them were handed down to us through the sea in our ABCs, our assumptions, beliefs, and conditioning. It's that conditioning that that teaches us what success should like. You were told what ambition is supposed to mean. You were shaped by systems, communities, even spiritual narratives that defined the path, in quotes, and warned you what happens when you step off it, right? It could be bad. But that's one another reason why I talk so often about deconstruction. And I and I unpacked all of its connection to core values in an episode titled Deconstruction and Core Values, your blueprint for authentic growth, back in December of 2024. And I've linked it in the show notes. So if you haven't listened to that one, and that's a new word for you, or it's a word that might feel scary to you, go ahead and give a listen to it. It's like literally stripping off the um, what do they call it, demystifying it, right? Because what we're talking about here and in deconstruction is we're not talking about burning your life down or even rejecting every structure. It's about learning to pause and using those skills we talked about last time in critical thinking and ask yourself things like, whose belief is this? Is this still true or is this even mine? And for me, that process of peeling back those layers, looking at my assumptions, beliefs, and conditioning, my ABCs, and letting my core values speak into the moment has made all the difference. Here's what it looks like in real time. Right now, this fall, I'm standing in front of some new pretty amazing opportunities. I mean, real, real opportunities. Ones that could completely shift the trajectory of my work and my career in meaningful ways. And the interesting part is that they're all still very much in the lane of my leadership. It's not that I'm suddenly starting from like starting a farm in Idaho, right? It's like they just have are shaped differently than I ever thought they would be. It feels very expansive, surprising, and if I'm honest, kind of thrilling. But with that kind of growth, my conditioning immediately shows up. And often for me, it sounds like, mm-mm, nope, that's too much. Or, you know, we don't do that, or that's not allowed, or even more deeply, I could never do that. I never even imagined I'd get to do that. I've seen I've said these things out loud, and I've had dear friends look at me and say, Oh, Andrea, what do you mean you could never do that, or you never imagined? Let's wake you up, right? I'm the person helping you do this, but just it happens all the time. Now, those are not responses to the opportunities. They're just little echoes, flares that go off when I brush up against an old script that I used to follow. But here's the part I really want you to hear. Where it used to take me weeks or even months to recognize that disconnect. Now it happens almost instantly. A little bit like lightning and thunder. There's no more counting the seconds, you know, one, one thousand, two, one thousand, waiting for the thunder to see how far away it is. There's the flash and the boom and the awareness. It's like immediate. Sometimes I can even feel it and name it in the same breath. And that's because I've been doing the work for a long time. Not once, not perfectly, but persistently. The curiosity, the questions, the intentional honoring of my core values and the regular dismantling of all those ABCs. That's what's gotten me here. So I'm here to tell you you can do this too. And so that we're clear, my conditioning did not disappear. Literally, it's happening this week, yesterday. It still pipes up. But now I have the discernment and the courage to examine it, like open it up, lay it on the table, challenge it, and ask things like, is this helping me or holding me back? Because here's the thing: these new directions I'm exploring, they're not detours. They're actually what happens when the map you've been building starts to stretch farther than you thought it could. They're what it looks like to finally step into a version of leadership that's bigger than I ever dreamed was possible. Not because I finally figured it out in all quotes, but because I stopped chasing someone else's version of success and started building my own. And that's what I want to explore next. What it really means to put down the old map, the old plan, the old ideas of what it's supposed to look like. Pick up your own compass and start trusting the direction you already carry inside. So let's talk about this metaphor that I've been dancing around, right? The path or the map versus the compass. The path is the one we're handed, the pre-approved plan. It's something, it's something that somebody else gave you. It's someone else's strategy, expectation or expectations or well-intentioned shoulds, right? We all say, don't should yourself. And the thing is, the path isn't always bad. Most of the time, it's really good. And it comes from people who love us or system design systems that are designed to keep us safe. Sometimes it comes from your parents, your faith tradition, your alma mater, your industry, your mentor, your favorite leadership book, or even your social media feed. And sometimes it comes from you, from a version of yourself that you outgrew but haven't actually updated yet. There are so many places that we gather our expectations of what leadership should like from, what goals should matter, and how we should show up. But when you're committed to growth, especially when you're committed to leading well, it's really easy to get caught in the trap of thinking that the path that you're on is required. Especially in my world, the leadership and personal development space, where the number of quote, shoulds is overwhelming, and it blows the average curve completely out of the water compared to other industries, except for maybe the faith community. Everyone has a framework, a rule book, a list of traits that define, quote, good character, or a formula for success that claims to work for everybody. And sometimes those messages sound helpful until you realize that many are rooted in fear, control, or shame. That doesn't mean that they're all bad, right? As if not following them means that you're weak or undisciplined or lack character or might even be unethical. I just want to say out loud, it doesn't have to be that way. You don't have to measure up to the standards set by any leadership guru out there, no matter how many followers they have or books they've sold. What I offer here is not a one-size-fits-all system. It is a way for you to know yourself and to lead from that truth, which is radically different from a good bit of what the leadership training that's out there. But the hard truth is, even a well-paved path can lead you somewhere you never meant to go. I mean, that's what I keep saying, is that I was on 25 years in the University Administrative and Operations system. And I have some really specialized skills, but that's not where I wanted to go. But that's why I believe in the power of the compass. The compass, your core values, isn't external. It is internal. It is rooted in your core values. It doesn't shout instructions, it whispers direction. And it doesn't promise certainty. I want you to hear that. It does not promise certainty, but it does offer discernment. And we last week talked about, you know, certainty is not a guaranteed thing, but discernment is what we can use to figure out what we should be paying attention to. Discernment is everything. Because what happens when you start practicing critical thinking with your whole self is you begin to pause before saying yes. You learn to question the story behind the strategy. You start asking things like, is this actually true? Is this aligned with what matters to me? Do I even want this path, what this path leads to? And half the time we can't see where the path is leading. And we need to be willing to say, what happens if I hit that first domino? Where's this gonna land? When is the last domino gonna fall? And what's it going to look like? Just just to remind you, this isn't about gathering facts. It's about gathering meaning. It's about seeing how your assumptions, your beliefs, and your condition, conditioning are shaping your choices, and then choosing to evaluate them through the lens of your values. That's how you reclaim your direction. One of the ways I like to put it is like this: critical thinking is how you reclaim your agency. It's how you trade noise for meaning, pressure for purpose, and someone else's expectations for your own wisdom. Because honestly, most of that pressure you're feeling, it's coming from, it's not coming from inside of you. It's coming from trying to walk that path that was never yours. So it might feel like it's inside, but it's because you're trying to stay on this path. But your compass, it's not just something you follow. It's what you build your map with. It's how you figure out what your path should look like. And when you learn how to use it, when you learn how to trust it, that's when you stop walking paths that don't fit and start charting new territory with every step. That's when people like me quit a 25-year career and go into their own entrepreneurial world that turns out, you know, it started as a coach and then it went into like um, I don't know, an educ a consultant and an educator. Who knows where it's going to end up? But that's when it, when you hit that point where you're like, you know what, I'm gonna chart new territory with every step. That's where changes really, really make take place in your life. And it doesn't mean that you're gonna quit a job. It just means that you're really gonna start owning what you've got. Now, you've heard me say it before. Core values are the foundation of your leadership house. And I'd like to take this one step deeper and kind of build a mental picture for you to see, because um, a lot of times that's how we think, right? So if you would just for a minute, if you're not driving, maybe close your eyes and think of your life as this beautiful piece of land, whatever's beautiful to you, if it's on the ocean or if it's a mountain meadow or if it's out in the middle of the grasslands, something that you consider beautiful. Imagine this is your land and you're gonna build on it. You've cleared the brush, you've made space. This is your self-awareness work, right? Identifying your patterns, your trauma, your beliefs. That's important and it's powerful, but it's only clearing the land. And that's not enough. Because if you just clear the land, where are you gonna live? Right? You've got to finish the process. So if you don't build something solid, if you don't uncover the materials already inside you, then the forest is always gonna grow back, right? I have I I have a pool, and some people are thinking, oh my gosh, you have a pool. Like, yes, well, it's work, but I do have a pool. And when they put it in, the people who had the house before us built the pool. And when they put it in around the edge of the concrete pad for the pool, they had rocks. They were these red lava rocks, and they were so hot they made everything hot. And so I literally, painstakingly, bucket by bucket, pulled all the rocks out and put them under the trees around my property and planted flowers, planted succulents that would grow. Guess what I have to do? I have to weed them. So I cleared the ground. The problem was I probably should have put in something a little less growy, maybe a little more solid, so that I don't have to continually work on it. But the it's a perfect metaphor because you have to work on this stuff all the time. I just shared earlier that I have to work on my conditioning daily, right? So you don't want the forest to grow back. You don't want to have to clear the land all over again. And core values are what help you build the house. They're not something you pick from a list, they're already there, waiting to be uncovered and shaped into something strong, lasting, and real. But if you listen to me, you've already heard this. And when you build your life and leadership on those materials, when you build your house on that solid foundation, that's when you move from surviving and like pitching a tent on your beautiful land and living with all the chaos that comes with living in a tent instead of in a house, to living with purpose, clarity, and direction, knowing that you are safe and secure inside your own solid house. Because if you if you build strategy on top of someone else's values, or if you build your behaviors around someone else's expectations, eventually the whole structure will crack. When you start doing the work of deconstruction, noticing your ABC showing up, you need something firm to stand on and something that doesn't shift because someone else tells you it should. That's what core values offer you. A grounded way to decide what's true for you, a filter for your decisions, your goals, even your pace. And when you know your core values and begin to honor them, everything changes. Literally, everything changes. You're not tossed around by trends or trapped by comparison. You have clarity in whatever chaos happens in your world. You make decisions more simply, not because it's easier, but because your footing is stronger. And you begin to lead with your own voice. I saw a powerful example of this recently. I was in Orlando at the annual, at the semi-annual Maxwell meeting at the Live to Lead recording. I got to be there live this year, which was really fun. Um, but I had the chance to see one of our speakers, Jesse Cole, the founder of the Savannah Bananas, speak in person. And let me tell you, it wasn't just the yellow tuxedo that stood out. And if you don't know who I'm talking about, you can go find my Instagram feed because I got a picture with him. And you need to look up the Savannah Bananas because they will make you smile. This man, he's a man who rewrote every single rule of the baseball industry that they handed him. He ignored the playbook, he built something completely and utterly new. And the result is a global phenomenon that's reshaping how people think about community, entertainment, and leadership. If you're a baseball purist, it will bother you to no end. But if you like to have fun and you want to be entertained and see really good athletics, check out the Savannah Bananas. But what really struck me wasn't just the spectacle, it was the conviction, the deep, unshakable clarity that said, I know who we are and we're gonna lead from that. That's what it looks like when your values become your compass. That's what it looks like when you stop following and start creating. Here's the part nobody tells you. Even when you know the path isn't working, even when you feel the misalignment in your bones, stepping off of it can still feel terrifying. Especially if you're someone who's always excelled at playing the game. The one who hits the goals, follows the plan, collects the accolades, and still feels like something's off. And some of those paths are literally uh one end or the other, right? I call them spectrums, right? It's like you're on one end or the other. And I always tell my husband, it's like, I don't want to be somewhere on that spectrum. I want to be over here. I want to be like completely like 90 degrees off. I want to be completely different. Most of us were taught that success has a formula and it's on that spectrum. If you work the plan, follow the steps, build the brand, do the networking, it's all gonna work out. Just put in the work. To be fair, some of that works for a while. But the trap is just because a path is known doesn't mean it's right for you. And just because you're stepping off one path doesn't mean you're suddenly leaping onto another one that goes in the opposite direction. It's not like you're uh going from a down elator to an up a later, right? On the escalator. That's what I always call them. The down allator and the up allater. I have to be very clear, am I going down or up? But you're not jumping from one to the other and going in opposite direction. This isn't about abandoning everything. It's about refusing that false binary that says, if you don't stay here, you're gonna lose everything. You're gonna lose your retirement, you're gonna lose your career direction. If you don't, if you question this, you're starting over and you're abandoning everything that you ever believed. No. Or if you walk away from this belief, this job, or this version of leadership, you're gonna be lost. That's fear talking. That's your conditioning. And it's loudest when you're right on the cusp of growing. This is where you pick up your compass. This is where you pause long enough to say, I don't have to walk backward or forward on someone else's terms. I can stand right here and I can build something new. I can be in this moment, in this small clearing in the woods, and I can clear the rest of this and stay right here and build from here and go out on my own wherever I want to go. That's exactly what Jesse Cole did. Every decision he makes, right down to the names of the cheerleaders, which are the banana nanas, and yes, they are older cheerleaders, the foster care initiative that they do in their nonprofit called Bananas Foster, the rules of the game itself, Banana Ball. They all reflect the values and vision that he carries. Even when other teams agree to play Banana by Banana Ball rules, it's because his clarity created buy-in. No pressure, not persuasion, just presence and conviction. And that's what conviction actually looks like. It's not just inspiration, it's not just like woo-hoo, it is commitment. It is doing it over and over and over. And it's not just branding, it's belonging. It's creating, you know, people might be attracted to the brand, but then they come in for the belonging. Because when you're willing to trust your compass, even when the old map stops stops making sense completely, you start showing up differently. You lead without needing approval. You make decisions with less hesitation. If you listen to his book, Banana Ball, like if you read his book Banana Ball, I'm an audiobook person. Um so I automatically say listen. But if you listen to his story, let me put it that way, everybody told him it would never work. Everybody told him you can't do that. You can't buy the Savannah minor league baseball team and actually do that. You can't. But he said, Hey, I can. Watch me, right? He led with conviction. He didn't need approval and he made decisions with a lot less hesitation. You then will create programs, companies, families, and communities that feel like you, just like Jesse did. You begin to rebuild your relationship with faith, with business, with leadership, with yourself. And if that still feels confusing or uncomfortable, if you're in that moment of, oh, I think I'm done with the old map, but I don't know what comes next, then let me give you this piece. You're not broken. Listen to me. You're not missing pieces. You don't need to become somebody new. You just need a new way to see what's already there. When I was going through therapy years ago, one of the the visual pieces that I hung on to was a kaleidoscope, right? As you twist it and you shift it with the light, it it this the picture looks different. The the pattern looks different. It's all the same pieces inside, but the more you shift it, it's just a different new pattern. So the moment you shift the lens, your whole life will change. That's what happens when you stop chasing the path and start building the map. And your compass is what tells you which direction to build in. So let's take a moment and review where we've been. First, my friend, you are not lost. You just might be done with anybody else's map that's ever been given to you. Second, your core values are your compass that you get to build from and you get to find your direction with. And third, just we talked about last week, critical thinking is what helps you stop reacting and start discerning. Because leadership is not about following someone else's formula. I don't care how many gurus tell you it is. It's about learning to find your own way forward with wisdom, clarity, and courage. So here are a few reflection questions for you. Three of them actually. First, take a minute to do these, right? Ask yourself where in your leadership are you still following someone else's expectations? This happened to me, oddly enough, in church on Sunday morning. My son was very, very sleepy, and I leaned over, and we sit on the front because mama can't pay attention if I'm sitting in the back watching everybody else, right? That's just a personal story. And he was very sleepy, and I looked over and he was like leaning with his head in his face, or his head in his hands, his face in his hands, and I said, dude, everybody else can see you doing that. And it was one of those moments where there are plenty of times I open my mouth and my mother speaks, and it's not a bad thing. But that took me right back to like third grade when my mom said the same thing to me. Where in your leadership are you following someone else's expectations? The expectations for my 16 and a half-year-old son to stay awake on a Sunday morning should not be the same as my mother's were for me. They just shouldn't. That's a pat that's a map I don't need to follow. So I just want this to be clear to you as well. It's not one singular map. You got a map for everything, and you don't have to change all of them, but you need to recognize whose map you're on. That was my mom's map. I don't need to follow that one anymore. So what about you? And next, what part of your internal compass have you been ignoring? Right? What where is your internal compass trying to point to your north, whatever north is, and and you're you're heading somewhere off in the left, into the left direction, like into the west, right? It's like, where is it? You've got a spot in your in your life, I know you do. And then third, what would it look like to stop performing? Just stop. Stop worrying about the map that's been given you, the path that you're on, just start building your own. What would it look like for you? For me, it looked like quitting my job. It looked like starting my own business. And now, depending on what happens in the next, I don't know, three to six, eight months, it could look even more different. But it's so exciting because I had no idea I was going this direction. It doesn't mean this will change. You and I will still be here on a weekly basis. It doesn't mean um my conferences will change. I mean, it might, but I don't think so. I mean, most of what I do will all be the same. It will just be a different delivery system and just, I don't know, get to touch a whole lot more people. But my invitation to you this week is just pick one area. Maybe it's your faith, your business, or your relationships, where you've been operating on somebody else's expectations, and ask yourself, what would it look like to lead from my internal compass right here? You don't have to have a big master plan. You don't need a journal full of stuff. Just one on a step. And if this conversation is hitting home, and if that Jesse Cole story hit home, Live to Lead might be the next place for you to be. If you're in the Central Virginia area, it's more than a leadership event, Live to Lead. It is a space to reconnect with what truly matters and gather that clarity and feel you need to lead in your own way. And Jesse Cole is one of our speakers. At the Live to Lead recording in Orlando, I watched him challenge the entire idea of what leadership should look like. And that is the kind of energy you're gonna experience at Thrive in 25, not with just Jesse Cole, but with some of our other speakers. And then I myself am giving you a live, um, I'm putting together a live keynote that will talk about what it looks like to thrive. You're gonna hear from Jesse, you'll hear from others like Anthony Trucks, who are totally redefining influence, integrity, and legacy. And you're gonna walk away with the courage to build your own map, one rooted in your voice, your values, and your vision. I'm hosting two this October right now. Um, Charlottesville is October 22nd, Lynchburg is October 30th. I'd love for you to join me. Tickets and sponsor or partner opportunities can all be found at theintentionaloptimist.com and in the show notes. And if you're ready to go deeper with this work right now, here's how I could support you. You could start with the free Core Values Blueprint. It's free, it's practical, it'll help you get anchored in who you are and kind of maybe wake up that compass, help you see what it looks like. You could join the Core Values Coaching program where we pair that um personal coaching with self-paced coursework so that you don't have to figure this out alone, because sometimes we need somebody to back and forth things with. And then, of course, there's live to lead. So if you again, if you're in Central Virginia or you want to drive in from somewhere, uh if you're ready for a transformational leadership experience, get your ticket now for Thrive in 25. All the links are gonna be in the show notes. Grab what you need, and let's just keep this momentum going. Next week, we're gonna talk about intentional optimism as your secret weapon for clear thinking, right? We've done critical thinking, we're talking about your compass, and now we're gonna look at this secret weapon, learning how hope, curiosity, and courage can equip you to see what others miss, especially when the conversations get really complicated. So I'm gonna share tips for staying grounded, principled, and productive, even when emotions run high or the outcomes aren't clear. And if you're living in the same world I'm living in, emotions run high. There's a lot of chaos out there. But for now, my friend, stand tall, lead like you mean it, and just remember you are not off track for building your own. Until next time,