Caring for men and boys. In this episode, the penultimate episode in this series, I
· touch on Allan Schore’s research into the development of infant boys
· introduce a model which identifies the three ways in which we process and integrate trauma
· introduce the idea of us as a pot full of untold stories and briefly discuss one of my old cases with you and lastly,
· begin to outline the kind of help that men experiencing shame and rage may benefit from
Caring for men and boys. In this episode, the penultimate episode in this series, I
· touch on Allan Schore’s research into the development of infant boys
· introduce a model which identifies the three ways in which we process and integrate trauma
· introduce the idea of us as a pot full of untold stories and briefly discuss one of my old cases with you and lastly,
· begin to outline the kind of help that men experiencing shame and rage may benefit from
Psychotherapy with Male Shame: Part 3
In this episode, the penultimate episode in this series, I
· touch on Allan Schore’s research into the development of infant boys
· introduce a model which identifies the three ways in which we process and integrate trauma
· introduce the idea of us as a pot full of untold stories and briefly discuss one of my old cases with you and lastly,
· begin to outline the kind of help that men experiencing shame and rage may benefit from
So, I just want to reiterate that shame and rage are trauma symptoms and that a bad environment, namely early neglect or abuse, lies at the heart of these difficulties. I’m going to explain in this episode how the creation of a good environment, in this case a therapeutic environment, can be what’s needed for recovery.
As I have said, one of the sources of trauma that can lead to shame and rage is early life, developmental trauma; and as I promised you in the last episode, I’m going to discuss the work of Allan Schore here. Allan Schore is an American psychologist and researcher in the field of neuropsychology and he has particularly researched the early psychological needs of boys and what might impair their healthy psychological development.
In his article entitled ’All Our Sons: The Developmental Neurobiology and
Neuroendocrinology of Boys at Risk’ he identifies potential causes of trauma in infant boys which I believe can lead to a lifetime of shame and rage.
Schore describes a variety of ways in which baby boys’ needs may be overlooked, ways in which they may not receive the adequate nurture they need for healthy psychological development.
· he found that boys mature more slowly than girls - physically, socially and linguistically and
• he found that their stress-regulating brain circuitries mature more slowly, prenatally, perinatally, and postnatally
• he also found that boys are affected more negatively than girls by early environmental stress, inside and outside the womb and
• that they are more vulnerable to maternal stress and depression in the womb, birth trauma and unresponsive care giving.
All these things combine to have a significant impact on the development of a boy’s right brain hemisphere which undermines the development of self-regulatory brain circuitry related to his self-control and his capacity to relate to others.
It’s interesting to note that normal term new-born boys show higher cortisol levels than girls during their neonatal behaviour assessment which can result in them developing behaviour problems and stress-related diseases later in life; at six months, boys show more frustration than girls and at 12 months, a greater reaction to negative stimuli.
Because of all these factors, day care may be less appropriate and less adequate for baby boys and further, they may be more prone to autism, early-onset schizophrenia, ADHD, and conduct disorders; all of which, I would say are characterised by the trauma defence mechanisms of shame and rage.
So now let’s take a brief look at what men may need.
As I said earlier, in my experience I have never found it that helpful to focus on trauma behaviour in therapy, it is much more helpful to focus on what may have caused the trauma behaviour in the first place. The way I facilitate this is to think of ourselves as a pot where we store all the life events which have impacted us but which we have not been able to emotionally process; I call these our untold stories.
The therapy I facilitate involves the telling of these untold stories in an environment that maximises trauma processing and healing.
In the beginning, the untold stories are all bound up together; as therapy progresses, they are purposefully separated out and related, one by one to the therapist who hopefully offers the helpful relationship qualities that we will look at in the next episode. During this telling of the stories in this good environment, the developmental processes that were missed out, the learning how to process and integrate life’s experiences can be completed; this good environment enable a person to feel good about themselves, to reduce the stress in their autonomic nervous system and to experience enhanced self-control, social skills and concern for others.
Let me tell you about the stories that were in Jack’s pot, Jack being a man I worked with several years ago. He found it helpful to tell these untold stories, one at a time.
· how he had been bullied at school
· about a near miss driving experience with a huge lorry where he thought he would die
· being left alone by his mother as a baby (an aunt had told him that his mother used to put him in his crib, turn the radio on for company, and then go to the pub).
· his mother being an alcoholic
· not knowing who his father was because his mother either didn’t know, or she wouldn’t tell
· having been estranged from his mum when she died; they’d had a falling out and
· having been married but quickly divorced.
The antidote to the bad environment that gave rise to the shame and rage trauma behaviours is a good environment; one that offers particular beneficial and supportive conditions; the overriding important factor here being a positive attitude to masculinity, including traditional masculinity!
The therapeutic relationship is a good environment that is co-created between client and therapist; but, before we look at the good environment in more detail let’s look at the three elements that are involved in experiencing and integrating life’s events, they are
· thinking, in terms of making sense or meaning of experience
· behaving, in terms of telling the stories
· and feeling, in terms of experiencing and processing the emotional content of an event that could not be experienced at the time the trauma occurred.
Deborah Dana is an expert in applying polyvagal theory to therapy practice; polyvagal theory addresses the role of the vagus nerve in regulating us and enabling our social engagement. Dana tells us that ‘a stressed autonomic nervous system welcomes the truth’ and speaks of the need to ‘find the right repair… the words that mend the tear’. And how I would put it, is that if we can articulate the experience of the untold stories as accurately as possible, our autonomic nervous systems will settle and we will experience some peace. ‘When the story or stories are told in a joined up way with well chosen words, the trauma is healed, rage and shame dissolve and we feel OK.
Imagine if you will please, a venn diagram with three circles neatly and equally overlapping. Place one of the three elements involved in the integration of life experience in each circle; in circle one, place thinking, making sense and meaning; in circle two, place behaving, in this case telling the stories; and in circle three, place experiencing the emotional content of the story.
In your imagined diagram the circles are neatly and equally overlapping but this is unlikely to happen in real life; more usually, these circles will overlap in different proportions for every client; it’s very likely that one of the elements will be less natural for a person and therefore less useful and so that element will not feature much in the therapy process. While everyone I work with will be telling me their stories, some will gain more benefit through making sense and giving meaning to what has happened to them, others will gain more benefit from feeling their way through their stories and from having an emotional release; and for a further group, more benefit will be gained through a combination of all three.
Next time, in the final episode we’ll do a deep dive into all the qualities that a therapist needs to help men with their shame and rage and look more closely at the therapeutic process involved.
Good Guy of the Week
A nightmare scenario occurred recently when a child became locked in an SUV in NEW PORT RICHEY, Florida; The father had tossed his keys onto the front seat, buckled his daughter into her baby seat and when he closed the back door, he realized the Chevrolet Tahoe was locked.
Try as he might and as many others from the crowd that formed might, no one could open a door. Then, some deputies arrived on the scene together with a group of prison inmates who were being supervised on a work release. These five low risk offenders were being rehabilitated for return to society.
As luck would have it, someone produced a wire coat hanger, the deputies gave their permission and an inmate jumped into action; he drew on his skill set and broke into the vehicle to reunite the little girl with her parents.
Sheriff Chris Nocco admits it was a unique situation, allowing an inmate to break into a car, but it was for the right reasons. He said, they know they made bad mistakes, bad choices in life but now they want to do the right thing."
The little girl was not hurt and her mother says she is grateful for everyone involved and hopes to learn the identity of those inmates so she can deposit some money in their allowance accounts.
Sounds of loud whooping and cries of ‘thank god!’ could be heard and of course applause!