Dads, Boys and Rough Play
Caring for Men and Boys. In this episode I look at just one of the many ways in which a father’s presence and involvement impacts positively upon his child’s development.
And of course, as usual, there’s a ‘Good Guy of the Week’, a man from Cornwall, UK who helped my youngest daughter with her car. It involved what some more cynical people might call ’mansplaining’ but it was just the help she needed at the time.
Dads, Boys and Rough Play
Caring for Men and Boys. In this episode I look at just one of the many ways in which a father’s presence and involvement impacts positively upon his child’s development.
And of course, as usual, there’s a ‘Good Guy of the Week’, a man from Cornwall, UK who helped my youngest daughter with her car. It involved what some more cynical people might call ’mansplaining’ but it was just the help she needed at the time.
Dads, boys and rough play
In this episode I look at just one of the many ways in which a father’s presence and involvement impacts positively upon his child’s development.
Research about the positive influence of a father who is both physically and emotionally present, on the development of their child, is well documented in the literature of a variety of psychology disciplines.
The importance of play has been recognised in child development literature since its inception and in education literature too; it’s acknowledged as a cornerstone of healthy development.
There’s an abundance of evidence that recognises play as something much more than a trivial pastime; evidence that recognises it as a vital activity for social, physical, cognitive and emotional development.
Playful experiences of young children are generally acknowledged to enhance their creative expression, language, cognitive competence, social skills, and physical development. Theparticular playful experience that I’m exploring in this episode, is that of rough play which has very particular developmental functions.
Before I discuss the many benefits of this kind of physical contact, I just want to say, that in my experience, many mums, when they observe the rough physical contact that their child enjoys with a father, especially a boy child, or when they see a group of boys jumping on each other uproariously, or using sticks to simulate guns, they get alarmed and feel inclined to stop the activity. It’s quite likely that a mum will tell dad or the group of boys to “stop it, before somebody gets hurt!”.
This degree of discomfort for some adults is caused because they misunderstand the differences between playful aggression and serious aggression. I’m going to explain playful aggression here.
So, it's a positive and enjoyable form of social play that includes mock fighting, chasing one another, rough and tumble play, superhero play, and wrestling; children playing in this way have fun, but not at the expense of hurting one another in any way.
Most playful aggression occurs as a form of pretend play; pretend play is acknowledged as beneficial for children because it encompasses complex behaviours involving many areas of the brain so it’s an important aspect of healthy overall development. Play fighting can lead to positive structural changes in the brain, especially those parts of the brain that are involved in social behaviour.
In his article Nagel points us to signs that indicate the aggression is playful and not harmful. When participating in this harmless form of play, boys are generally smiling and having a good time, they are not displaying signs of distress.
They are willing participants and eager to play through contact that is relatively gentle. They take turns attacking and being attacked and show great care in not pushing or hitting too hard in comparison to serious aggression that is about trying to hurt someone.
Finally, Nagel has two pieces of advice for us; he says ‘if an adult is not sure whether they are seeing playful aggression or serious aggression, all they have to do is ask, ask whether everyone is having fun or not; boys are very good at articulating the difference between things that are fun and things that are not. His second piece of advice is a reminder that, like many other activities, playful aggression requires a degree of supervision; in order for boys to glean the most benefit when participating in aggressive play, to exercise their bodies develop a vast array of social skills, as adults we should not over-zealously monitor or interfere with them.
Other research tells us that stopping boys from play fighting denies them the opportunity to benefit from a perfectly natural, and developmentally desirable, behaviour.
Playful aggression is especially significant for boys who tend to be more physical, it allows them to show up in the world in a way that is meaningful to them; it also provides boys with opportunities to explore their world with a sense of empowerment and control and, Nagel tells us, it teaches them how to get along with one another, how to contain themselves within a rule structure and how to recognise the boundary between playful and harmful behaviour.
The importance of playful aggression as a mechanism for emotional development, and in fostering positive relationships cannot, be understated.
It’s good for problem solving he says, for emotional regulation and self-correcting one’s behaviour in order to continue participating in the group activity.
It offers opportunities for boys to enhance their capacity to monitor and read facial expressions, to verbalise and signal their intent while also learning about, and establishing, natural relationship hierarchies.
Nagel says that ‘for boys, relationship hierarchies are important in their emotional and social development, preparing them for the variety the hierarchies that are evident in numerous aspects of society’.
Nagel carries on, ‘playful aggression is hardwired into males and not just in our species but in most primates. Moreover, testosterone also appears to be a major contributor to the constant movement and energy levels of boys and as such is not something that can easily be switched off simply by command. Just a reminder that I dedicated the first three episodes in series one to taking a positive look at testosterone.
Preventing boys from engaging in playful aggression may actually increase the likelihood that any suppressed aggression will manifest itself in less beneficial ways. Allan Schore takes up this point in his 2017 paper entitled, All our sons: The developmental neurobiology and neuroendocrinology of boys at risk, a paper I’ve mentioned in my episode about male shame and a link for the abstract is included in the episode notes.
In this paper, Schore demonstrates that when children are between eighteen months and two years old, fathers play a fundamental role in regulating the aggression of children of both sexes, particularly helping boys to better manage the aforementioned testosterone-induced aggression.
So, let’s talk some more about dads. In terms of play, dads are typically more physical, unpredictable and vigorous in their rough and tumble play so a boy’s pleasure in such play with dad is likely to be more intense than it is with mum. For example, dads will often throw their children into the air, or sneak up behind them and grab them; with experience and practise, dads learn how to stimulate and challenge their children during rough and tumble play without frustrating or hurting them.
It is important to note that of course, boys also benefit from playing with mum, but in different ways.
And finally, of course girls may enjoy and benefit from playing aggressive activities but there are differences in how boys and girls are playfully aggressive.
Boys tend to engage in playful aggression more frequently and with greater enthusiasm than girls. As mentioned earlier, playful aggression for boys is more hierarchical, active, intense and by association competitive and aggressive. Therein lies an important key for adults to always remember, boys are genuinely more aggressive than girls and this shows up in their playful behaviours.
So, in conclusion, when you see boys jumping on one another, using sticks to shoot each other, or wearing towels as capes to save the world, which may mean fighting any villains at hand, they are doing something that is perfectly natural and developmentally desirable and should not be seen as a cause for concern . On the contrary, playful aggression constitutes a healthy aspect of child development, helping to build fine young men; it definitely does not deserve the ill-informed and misguided label of ‘toxic masculinity’.
‘Good Guy of the Week’
This week’s good guy of the week lives in the county of Cornwall, in the UK where I live and involved a member of my family, my youngest daughter, the one with her first car who I mentioned in an earlier episode’s ‘good guy of the week’.
Well, her oil light came on for the very first time, so she immediately went to a garage and bought some oil.
She hoisted the bonnet and was peering under it nervously when a chap very kindly and with a big smile said, “hello, do you feel confident with that, would you like some help?”. My daughter was so pleased that he had asked and said, “no” and “yes please”.
The man told her to wait a moment while he grabbed some paper towel from the pump. Then he took the oil from her. He didn’t just do the job for her, he showed her step-by-step, with a great deal of patience, how to fill up on oil.
Some more cynical people might call that mansplaining but my daughter was mightily relieved and grateful for his help and the explanation and believes she’ll be able to do it all by herself next time. What a very kind and helpful man!