(31) Dr Warren Farrell Talks About the Ideal Family Set Up

Caring for men and boys. This episode continues to explore and comment on Jan Jekeliek’s interview with Dr Warren Farrell. This time I’m focussing on the dynamics of, what Farrell presents as, the ideal family set up for children in general, and for boys in particular; and, in conclusion, I present my own blueprint for the ideal family set up.

And of course, there’s another splendid 'Good Guy of the Week’. This week’s good guy story is edge of your seat, and features 74 years old Mr Richard Willbanks from Florida, Gunner, his 3 month old beloved Cavalier King Charles Spaniel puppy and an alligator! 

Transcript

Dr Warren Farrell Talks About the Ideal Family Set Up

This episode continues to explore and comment on Jan Jekeliek’s interview with Dr Warren Farrell; both men have been introduced in previous episodes. This time I’m focussing on the dynamics of what Farrell presents as the ideal family set up; the ideal family set up for children in general, but for boys in particular.

Farrell told Jekeliek, that when he did his research for his, The Boy Crisis book, he found that the children who do best have, what he calls ‘checks and balances parenting’; this happens where the mum’s contributions are paid attention to and respected, and the dad’s contributions are paid attention to and respected, and the parents negotiate the differences between them. 

A delightful and helpful vignette of such a negotiation is offered. It focusses on a tree in the back yard. Farrell says, ‘mum doesn’t want the children to climb too high; dad says climbing high will be good for them. It turns out that climbing trees is good for a child. However, not if the child falls out of the tree from a high level and there’s nobody there to cushion their fall, that could actually be the end of the child.

Such a negotiation consists of the balancing of on the one hand, the child can climb the tree faster, and at a younger age, than mum is comfortable with, and on the other hand, maybe dad needs to be under the tree to catch a falling child. There may be certain parts of the tree that should be out of bounds, and maybe the dad shouldn’t have his cell phone with him while he’s protecting the child. In this way Farrell says, ‘the child gets the benefits of mum and dad’s contribution’. These are what as a Transactional Analyst, I would call Adult to Adult transactions; both parties communicating from an ‘I’m OK, you’re OK’ place; there is good will and collaboration here and mum and dad create between them a risk assessed, risk managed fun adventure for their child. 

Farrell told Jekeliek, “if you can’t get the biological dad involved, then make sure you get your children involved in sports, and not just organised team sports that help prepare them for life in a corporation, but also more spontaneous ‘pick up’ team sports where children create their own rules, decide which friends they’re going to trust and which friends they’re not going to trust.’ In a ‘pick up’ team they’re spontaneously creating and contributing to the team activity, largely through their own efforts, what Farrell calls, the liberal arts of sports. Finally, Farrell suggests there is a different value in individual sports, where it takes largely an individual’s own efforts to succeed at that sport, like tennis or gymnastics; he acknowledges, all of these sports are very good for child development.

Continuing his advice about if there isn’t a biological dad involved, he says, get boys involved in boy’s clubs or in activities where they’re helping other people. He suggests for example, making Thanksgiving and other such days, not only about them and their family, but about going out into the community, perhaps to see how less advantaged people are living and to help them out. The more that children contribute to others, he says, the less self-centred they become.

Jekielek found that idea fascinating and said ‘of course, these don’t need to be faith-based groups, right?’ To which Farrell tells him, “correct, absolutely not but faith-based groups in general, and a male minister in particular, can be very helpful for a fatherless boy who is experiencing some of the difficulties described in The Boy Crisis book.

Jekielek then plays devil’s advocate; he points out that Farrell describes the gender roles in a very traditional way and asks him “is that how it needs to be?”

Farrell’s response is “definitely not”. He explains from his perspective how historically, we had traditional gender roles. Women raised children and men raised money and neither sex had the freedom to be who they wanted to be. “That was when” he says, “we needed a very high percentage of males to be soldiers, to kill or be killed”.

He goes on, “at a time when there was a very strong demand for large numbers of men to be willing to die in war, or to be the sole bread-winners males had to forget about what they felt, what they wanted and who they wanted to be. They had to be willing to be disposable, that was the essence of masculinity”. Farrell then referred to the radical feminist concept of male privilege saying, “being disposable is not quite male privilege”.

As I understand Farrell, he’s always been an equality feminist; his vision, like that of Betty Friedan, was that once women enjoyed more economic freedom and equality, and their roles became more fluid, then men’s roles also didn’t need to be so rigid. Reversing roles, Farrell points out, is something that we have the freedom to do for the first time in history and it can be very enhancing to men and women. He doesn’t see a need any more for a women’s movement that blames men, or a men’s movement that blames women, but he does acknowledge a need for a gender liberation movement, freeing men and women from the rigid roles of the past with even more flexible roles emerging for our future.

Farrell’s ideal is that a father and a mother together get to know their children and discover what their natural personalities are, and then help them to fulfil the potential of those natural personalities; and, that most of the time, men will be more likely to help in one way and women more likely to help in another way, with there being plenty of potential for a crossover of traits. Either one could be the full-time parent, the full-time breadwinner or a combination of both. 

To conclude this episode, in his interview with Jekeliek, Farrell speaks only about the traditional family form, a heterosexual couple, mum and dad with a child or children; I think it’s important to point out that a majority of children do still live in this traditional family form for at least some of their early life. I also want to mention and respect all the other different ways a family can be constituted and present my own brief blueprint. It’s possible, I think, that whatever way a family is constituted the children will benefit from the ‘checks and balances’ of partners, or in the case of a single mum or dad, the ‘checks and balances’, may come from the extended family, from friends or a helpful organisation. In conclusion,  my opinion is, that all the complex needs of a child can be condensed into two words, ‘nurture’ and ‘structure’; and, as long as there is a good enough balance of these two phenomena at all the development stages, together with at least one role model of the same sex as the child, there will be positive outcomes for everyone.  

Good Guy of the Week

This is a story from November of last year. Richard Wilbanks aged 74 from Florida was minding his own business, in his backyard with his dog; he says, “we were just walking out by the pond and it came out of the water like a missile; I never thought an alligator could be that fast.” Quick as a flash the alligator gobbled up Gunner, Richard’s beloved Cavalier King Charles Spaniel.

In this edge of your seat video, the link’s in the transcript, the retiree jumps in and rushes under the water to rescue his pet; he pries open the reptile’s jaws, which he later says “was extremely hard", in an attempt to rescue his 3 month-old pup. 

In this hair-raising footage, Richard, apparently fearlessly, successfully liberates his helpless and whimpering dog from the jaws of the predator, saving the pup from certain death.

The dramatic rescue was captured on surveillance cameras that were set up in the area through a partnership between the Florida Wildlife Federation and the fStop Foundation, a not-for-profit photographic enterprise focused on education and conservation.

Afterwards the brave pup owner said “thankfully, Gunner only had one little puncture wound but my hands were very chewed up. 

74 years-old Richard was applauded and praised in the social media for his courage and for saving the life of his puppy. Gunner is doing really well after a trip to the vets, while Richard received a tetanus shot for his injuries. He says he is now being more careful while taking the dog out for walks, making sure to keep him on a leash and maintaining a distance of at least 10 feet from the pond. 

Well done Mr Richard Willbanks! You are a hero!

Jan Jekeliek interview with Warren Farrel;
https://www.theepochtimes.com/video-dr-warren-farrell-why-bidens-new-gender-policy-council-is-sexist_3732335.html

Mr Richard Willbanks, his puppy and an alligator
https://www.ndtv.com/offbeat/florida-man-jumps-into-water-pries-open-jaws-of-an-alligator-to-rescue-dog-watch-2328974