Special needs moms often worry that they are not doing enough. This is especially true when it comes to our other kids. We make assumptions about how our other kids are doing. In this episode, Anna Brown shares her perspective of being a sibling to a child with RAD and FASD and the blessings and challenges that brings.
April 5, 2022: Ep. #80
Timestamps & Key Topics:
If you enjoyed our podcast, please...
Special needs moms often worry that they are not doing enough. This is especially true when it comes to our other kids. We make assumptions about how our other kids are doing. In this episode, Anna Brown shares her perspective of being a sibling to a child with RAD and FASD and the blessings and challenges that brings.
April 5, 2022: Ep. #80
Timestamps & Key Topics:
If you enjoyed our podcast, please...
Amy J. Brown 0:00
Hi friends and welcome to another episode of Take Heart. Before we get started today, I wanted to remind you that you can find free resources, show notes, and ways to connect with us at our website www.takeheartspecialmoms.com. You can also sign up for our newsletter where we share great resources with you each month.
Amy J. Brown 1:22
Alright, let's get started. One of the biggest areas special needs moms worry about is that they're not doing enough. This is especially true when it comes to our other children. Often as special needs moms, we put our own perspective on this topic or make assumptions about how our other kids are doing. Being a sibling of a child with special needs has its challenges, but it also has its blessings. This month, we are going to be talking to siblings and getting their unique perspectives. So I am very thrilled to have a very special guest today my daughter, Anna, first of all, and she is the second of six children. As you know, I have six children, my oldest three are biological. I have three bio kids, and three adoptive kids. Anna is the second oldest of children, but the first daughter, so she has added responsibility, probably. Anna, would you like to introduce yourself and tell our audience a little bit about you? Yeah,
Anna Brown 2:20
As my mom just said, my name is Anna. I'm currently living in Texas. I write full time, and I teach English at the local university. I'm going to get married in June and I have a dog, and that's basically all there is about me.
Amy J. Brown 2:42
Anna and I have always had a really close relationship. We kind of like the same things. We love Charles Dickens and grammar. So nerdy! She's always been delightful, and she is getting married. I feel like we're not doing enough for the wedding. Maybe we are.
Anna Brown 3:03
Who knows, at this point, who knows?
Amy J. Brown 3:05
Anyway, so thank you for being on the show today, we get a lot of questions about siblings. It's an honor to have you here and to share kind of our experience. Now before we get started, I want to say that we live in a family that had kids with RAD, Reactive Attachment Disorder. We had a very extreme experience with behavior. I understand that that's not everybody's experience. First of all, I want to talk a little bit about what it was like in our house with that specific experience of RAD, Fetal Alcohol, and some of the behavior. Then we'll kind of zoom out and talk in general, about what it's like to be a sibling of a child with special needs. We had a pretty intense situation, as you know. Living in our house was really hard at times. I was aware that it was hard. Our daughter that has RAD was violent. She would steal. We had the locked doors, we had alarms. There were several times in which we would be doing a family outing and the wheels would come off the bus, and I would have to leave with her. The other kids made a lot of sacrifices in that regard. I was aware of all of that was happening and I really did my best to try to protect everybody else. Our daughter's violence did not really exhibit itself much towards the siblings. It was more towards me. What do you think, Anna, what was one of the biggest challenges of living in our home with siblings with RAD? It's a big question.
Anna Brown 4:43
Yeah, that is a big question. I would say I mean, all of it is too easy and answer, but I would say probably one of the hardest things about a sibling with RAD is especially when it's the emotional part of it. Right? You can get used to...kids are adaptable, or they can use to any physical like we always lock up the chocolate. We lock up the pantry before we go to bed. It's really hard, especially since I'm very close to my non-RAD siblings a very close, as you know. But it's hard to not be able to have that relationship with the sibling who is being physically violent, sometimes verbally abusive. It seemed like she was ruining the family outings, ruining the day-to-day life, making things difficult in the house.
Amy J. Brown 5:39
Did you feel like part of that was you not doing enough on your end? How can I be a better sister? Did you recognize that she can't do this? She doesn't know how to connect.
Anna Brown 5:55
I mean, I can't speak for all siblings of special needs in RAD kids, because I am eight years older than her. So I had the advantage of age. I don't know how it would have been if I was two years older than her or her age or younger than her. That might have been harder to understand. I definitely had that perspective of this is not something that any of us can really help. I never blamed her. I never blame you. I never was like I have to fix this. It just was something that was really hard. I probably felt a little more responsibility being older to be like, I have to be the mature one because I can have a relationship, and I am eight years older, so I have to be the one who's not yelling back. Other than that, I don't think I blamed anyone. I don't think I saw anyone's responsibility in it.
Amy J. Brown 6:50
I think it's interesting that you said we had to lock up things, and that's just things you would do. If you had a child with a physical disability, there would be certain things you would adapt your house to. So that's kind of our adaptation. of the house. It is the relationship part that was hard. I know you're excited to have a sister, because you had two brothers, first. I'm sure that that was quite disappointing in that regard. What do you think would have helped? I know, that's a big question, too. From my perspective, as a mom, I was doing all I thought I could, and I'm not saying I did any of it perfectly. But looking back now, what are some things specifically to having siblings with extreme behavior that would have maybe helped?
Anna Brown 7:35
I think the main thing, and this is more structural than it is familial is preparation. Like you and dad going into this didn't really know about RAD and had no idea about the extreme toll that a RAD kid can take on a family. Obviously, like you, as a mom can't change the entire adoptive system, but moms who are considering adoption...Because most kids with RAD are adopted. Moms who are considering adoption should have some sort of education and know the toll that it could take on them and on their other kids. Part of that might be like mentorship from other moms who have RAD kids like what you are doing. You did all you could. I don't think that there's anything that you could have done differently.
Amy J. Brown 8:37
One thing I remember that happened is that we made the decision as a family. Actually, I think I've told the story on the podcast before that my oldest three went to therapy. We're big fans of therapy here, all of our kids have been in it. We went to family therapy, just the older bio kids and me. The kids had told me, we want to do things without her because every family outing, mom has to leave or dad has to leave. At first, that sounded very counterintuitive to how I wanted to raise my family. We're such a family that loves to do things together. But me hearing what you guys said, was so helpful. I remember thinking, okay. The therapist said, "Yeah, you should do things without her just so you can enjoy time with them." After that, once I got permission, we started doing that. I think one thing that would be important for moms of kids with RAD is to allow the siblings to have a voice and be honest about what they're feeling and what they're thinking. I think initially I fell into the trap of oh, come on, guys, buck up. Your brain hasn't been ruined by alcohol. Then I thought well, wait a minute, that's not really fair to say to you because that's not your fault, right? I guess my point is that giving you guys a voice, it took me a bit to get there. That is something I always tell other moms that is important because you guys, the siblings need to be heard too. What would you have to say to that?
Anna Brown 10:24
Yeah, I definitely agree with that. I think it's important to remember that even though other kids in the family, kids like me, I've completely neurotypical. While my brain wasn't ruined by alcohol, I had the capability of forming an attachment unlike a child with reactive attachment disorder, but I was still a kid. I have entirely different trials than literally anybody else I know, except for my siblings. I know the only people I know that I can say, "Hey, remember when our sister did this?" They laugh about it and are a little bit horrified because that's what I grew up with. That's my childhood, and it's unique and it can be a wonderful experience. There are a lot of wonderful things that that we did together as a family. Giving the other kids a voice helps them express the uniqueness of what is happening to them because a lot of kids don't realize exactly how unique this is, how not normal, it is.
Amy J. Brown 11:42
Alright, thanks for saying that. What did you learn from this experience? And I hate to answer that question, in some ways, because sometimes people will come up to us and say, Well, what did you learn? Like there's got to be a reason. We've talked among ourselves, Carrie, Sara, and I about things people say. I don't think we always have to get a lesson out of something. In reality, hard things are what shape us, doing hard things and having adversity. What do you think you learned from being a sibling of a special needs child?
Anna Brown 12:19
Well, I learned that sometimes there's not a reason, sometimes there's not some big...this was the reason behind everything that happened to you. I also learned a lot of compassion, and a lot of, you can't judge this other person. You can't judge this screaming child in the supermarket, because you don't know what that mom with that kid is going through. You never know someone's story. That's probably the biggest takeaway from it. I also learned exactly how blessed I am to have the genetics and the loving parents that I have, and to be able to form loving relationships when you see exactly what life is like for someone who through no fault of their own doesn't know how to form a loving relationship through attachment disorder. It really makes you thankful for the depth of your love and friendship with your siblings and your family.
Amy J. Brown 13:23
Yeah, I think sometimes with RAD you focus on the behavior, but it is heartbreaking to see how some of these children... Our son who came from an orphanage, he's super friendly, At first blush, everyone thinks he's so friendly. He can't make friends. He pushes them away. That's such a sad thing to see. I think that's a good point. What do you think, are the misconceptions that people have about special needs siblings or things people say to you as a special needs sibling?
Anna Brown 13:59
You've probably talked about this before, I know you have on your blog. I think one of the big ones is the misconception that I must be so strong because it's hard. They almost put me on a pedestal. "You must be an awesome sister for loving for loving this girl for loving this boy as your sibling despite all this." When really I wasn't given a choice. I'm not saying that to, reflect on you that you forced these kids into our lives. live, we weren't given a choice. As with any sibling, like any nuclear family, you're not given a choice of who your nuclear family is. Any difficulties you encounter, you just have to weather, and being that strong is not something that I would necessarily choose every day if that makes sense. I think the other thing, which led to a lot of guilt over the years is when my sister went away. The first time she went away, she was 11. Right? She was 11.
Amy J. Brown 15:07
Right, she had gone to a residential treatment center, and that was a hard decision.
Anna Brown 15:12
Yeah, and that was after several years of just hard, hard behavior, and a lot of. I would say, and my therapist would also say, verbal abuse from her to you, to me, to all the rest of the siblings, and the violence and the stealing, and all the behavior that we've talked about, that's very typical of fetal alcohol and RAD. People would say, "wow, well, don't you miss her?" I would feel really guilty, but the truth is, no, I didn't miss her. It took me a long time to realize it's okay not to miss someone who you need those boundaries with, because she is not capable of forming that emotional attachment. It's okay if you don't have it.
Amy J. Brown 15:59
I was just talking to someone the other day about the decision to send a child to a treatment center is a very painful one. If a child needed surgery, it's sad, and people come around you, and they feel bad for you, and they bring you meals. When you do this, when you make this decision, there's a little bit of guilt and shame around it, because people don't understand it. They're taking their situation of normally attached children and applying that to a child that can attach, so it is not the same. I understand that too because people would ask me that too. I would feel bad saying, "I just need a break." What I remember about when that time happened is I had this big, grandiose plan of all the stuff I was gonna do, but it really was a year of respite for us. We were able to do things that we normally couldn't do as a family. We didn't have to lock things. It's really hard when you live in a family of eight people, and you have keys to everything, and you can't them. Somebody wants to eat Cheetos at 11 pm, and mom's asleep and we can't find the keys. It's a whole thing. Well, I have another question for you, and that is if you were talking right now to a young nine or ten-year-old girl that was a special needs sibling, specifically a girl. I think it's different because there's a little bit more responsibility for girls. How would you mentor her? First of all, do you wish you would have had someone older than had been through it? Number two, what would you say to a younger you are a young girl that is struggling with her feelings. I'm kind of annoyed that mom always has to pay attention to this kid? Those are normal feelings. What would you say to another young girl right now that is struggling with being a special needs sibling?
Anna Brown 18:02
First of all, I think even if I wouldn't have thought about it at the time, I think it would have been helpful to have someone who had gone through it. Maybe at the time, it would have been like no, it's fine, everything's good because when you're in survival mode, you don't necessarily always realize that you're in survival mode. I think I would say first of all, basically, for all oldest girls/girls in a family because a lot of times, through no fault of anybody's, they get a lot more responsibility than boys. Your feelings are valid. If you're annoyed at this, that's okay. You're allowed to talk to your mom about it. I would say specifically don't feel bad about having needs because one of the biggest things is because my siblings with special needs had so many needs that my normal child needs, even though you were not neglecting them. Because of all the stress and pressure that my siblings were obviously putting on my parents, it was hard for me to be like, hey, I need help with being 12. I need help with normal twelve-year-old things.
Amy J. Brown 19:18
There's no help for 12, honey.
Anna Brown 19:22
I know that's the sad part. I didn't know that at the time, but my normal growing-up needs probably were neglected through nobody's fault, because I felt like I couldn't have needs if that makes sense. I think I would tell someone it's okay to have needs but also, I think a mentor would be really helpful because if a mom is dealing with stealing and lying and all these things, having someone like me or someone who's had a sibling-like this would be really helpful. No, it's okay. I'm not your mom. When you're 12, you also don't always want to talk to your mom about things. I'm not your mom, and this is okay to feel this way and to act this way.
Amy J. Brown 20:22
Yeah, that's a good point. You're right, when everything's in chaos, you don't always want to go, Hey, I have a question, or I need help with this, and there were a lot of you, so there's that too. Thank you for talking, I kind of secretly wanted to go, what did I do right? I was afraid you would be like, "Well, now is my chance to tell the world!"
Anna Brown 20:51
You did a lot of things right, Mom.
Amy J. Brown 20:56
It's challenging. For the mom out there who feels like I'm just failing them. I'm going to tell you, from my mouth to your ear that my oldest three, first of all, they're amazing. I'm so proud of them. I didn't do everything right. They didn't get all their needs met. There were probably a lot of things that could have been done differently, but they're okay. That doesn't mean they're skipping through the world with no issues. They all have gone and taken care of their mental health. They've all had to work through the situation in our house, but they are okay. I just want to encourage moms don't put the added pressure on themselves that you're ruining their whole life because, or that they're not doing enough because we have to trust God for the times that we can't. We're not intended to do everything, first of all, and we have to trust God for that. One thing I do think is I really tried to delight in the small things with you guys and do things with each one of you. Those are my dearest memories. I've said this on the podcast before that, I'll go back through my journals, and I'll see oh I took Anna to this or Evan to this. I went to get ice cream with this kid. It's easy to look at other people's lives and go, well, they don't have all these issues. But man, we've we just had little drops of grace and beauty daily, throughout our lives, even in the midst of really difficult things. That's my encouragement to our listeners to just remember that. Sometimes in the midst of all the hard, it's hard to remember that, but please do. Anna, first of all, thank you so much for coming on here. I love you so much. I'm so proud of you. I'm kind of mad. Okay, I do have one thing to say she lives in Texas, which is dumb. I'm just gonna say it. I live in Michigan. It's far it's far away. I may just have angered all my Texas listeners, but that's the only thing I'm mad about
Anna Brown 23:06
I'm warm, though, right now.
Amy J. Brown 23:09
I'm not. Thank you so much for taking the time to talk to us. I guess one last question. Do you have anything you'd like to say in a way of encouragement to the special needs mom?
Anna Brown 23:22
You're doing a great job, just by thinking through this, honestly. Like my mom just said, your non-special needs kids, obviously, don't neglect them, but you aren't neglecting them by taking care of your special needs kid. Some kids need more help than others. Kids are amazingly resilient and very good at when they have needs of actually making them known. They'll let you know. If you're thinking about a mentor that's probably great. If you have a case where you may feel like one of your kids needs a mentor, that's a good idea or a dog. Dogs are great too.
Amy J. Brown 24:06
I don't know, Anna.
Anna Brown 24:09
I'm only saying that because my dog is currently biting my hand.
Amy J. Brown 24:14
All right. Well, thank you so much for being with us today. I love you. I appreciate you being here. Thank you. Thanks for joining us this week on Take Heart. I hope that you are encouraged by our interview today. We're so grateful you're walking this journey with us. Thanks for listening and join us next week as we continue our sibling series as Carrie interviews her boys.