Welcome to Take Heart, where our goal is to give you hope, offer insight and encouragement, so you can flourish in your journey as a Special Needs Mom. Each week Sara, Amy, and Carrie will explore a theme, share an inspiring story, a practical tip, and an encouraging blessing using their combined experience of over 30 years of parenting special needs children. Thank you for joining us today.
This week we're talking about changing our mindset, and I have a confession to make. When I was a little girl, I was afraid of everything. I mean, literally everything. I was afraid of the dark, dogs, cows, horses, any kind of large mammal, and I grew up on a farm. My grandpa had a dairy farm. I was afraid of snakes, bugs, bees, spiders. I was afraid of planes flying overhead. Yeah, I know that's dumb. My sister was so mad at me when we couldn't watch Little House on the Prairie because the preview for the Halloween episode gave me a nightmare. Do not even get me started on The Wizard of Oz. Mostly I was afraid of something bad happening to me or those I love. You see when I was a little three-year-old, my sister Angie who was five died of leukemia, so I learned at a young age that bad things can happen. Fear has been a struggle my whole life. But I grew up and not only am I not afraid of planes flying overhead, I can actually fly on a plane. Although I will admit I'm an extremely nervous flyer.
Fear as an adult may not look like sleeping with the light on, or covering your eyes during a scary part of a movie. Fear as an adult in some ways seems bigger because we know more, and there are so many things to be afraid of. What scares me often is the unknown, the lack of control I have over what is happening in my life and that of my children. And when I'm scared, my grown-up coping methods are to seek control, try harder, get frantic and lose a lot of sleep. As a Special Needs Mom, there are a lot of things to be afraid of. Maybe you've been afraid during this entire pandemic because you have an immunosuppressed and medically fragile child. Maybe you're afraid to hear what the doctor is going to say next week, what the diagnosis will be. Maybe you're afraid that your insurance company won't cover the treatment your child needs. Or maybe you're honestly afraid that you do not know how you're going to do it one more day. When I look at the behaviors of my kids with reactive attachment disorder, I let fear overtake me. I'm afraid of what the future holds for a person with these issues. Adults that lie and steal and are unable to bond with other people generally don't have happy lives. When I look at all our interventions and don't see a lot of change and at the statistics, that terrifies me. If I'm being honest, I let fear push me around too much, and that is never good. In fear, I fail to recognize God. In fear I'm robbed of promised peace. In fear I listen to voices that lie. And guess what? Fear always lies. In fear, I waste precious minutes, hours, and nights trying to fix a problem I have no control over. Fear informs my choices and leads me down paths that I do not need to travel. I've struggled with fear and anxiety my entire life, and I knew in order to deal with this problem I needed a mindset shift. I needed a way to process my life and find a way to not let fear hijack my brain.
So how do you live each day without letting fear and anxiety overtake you? Well here are four practices that are helping me right now. The first practice is:
Remember
Philippians 4:6-7 is very familiar to me, and it says this, “Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation by prayer and petition with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God which transcends all understanding will guard your heart and your minds in Christ Jesus.” I’ve read those versus hundreds of times. And often, no matter how hard I tried, that promised peace seemed elusive. But you know what? I never noticed a tiny phrase right before, “Do not be anxious.” That phrase is, “the Lord is near.” When I remember that the Lord is near, I can have peace and keep going. I can have peace and keep fear at bay. So step number one:
Remember that the Lord is near
Step number two:
Peace first and problem later
Often in life when there's a problem and fear overtakes my brain, I try to solve it right away. That’s been the way I've always done it. What if instead of trying to resolve a problem in hope of regaining peace, we looked for peace first? What if we were quiet and prayed and looked at the problem later? What? That's not the way I've done it my whole life! This little practice is really helping me change my mindset. Instead of allowing fear to take over, I stop and look for peace first.
Practice three:
Breath prayer
A breath prayer is a prayer that's a word or two that you say over and over again while you're breathing. It can be, “Lord, have mercy.” “Jesus is here, help me.” The reason breath prayers are helpful to me is that when I am just praying in fear, I'm basically having a really long anxious monologue. I'm not praying. There's no give-and-take. I'm not resting. I am just talking and talking and talking about all the fear and anxiety that I have in regards to the problem. Breath prayer stops me and helps me breathe. You can do breath prayer anywhere and it kind of centers you to where you are. One of my favorite breath prayers right now is, and it's a little bit more than two words, “God humble me in the presence of reality.” I love this prayer because when I'm in fear, I am not in reality. I am painting all kinds of vivid scenarios that just feed the fear, so “God humble me in the presence of reality,” stops me in my tracks in that moment. I got this prayer from a book called Invitation to Retreat by Ruth Haley Barton. She says in her book this:
“This prayer has changed my life generally and has changed my response to specific moments. It has helped me to release the death grip I have on life and people and situations, so I can rest into what is, and accept it, as God's Will and plan for me on this day. This prayer is humbling because it leads me to trust God with my life and my destiny, with situations and their outcomes, with promises and their choices. At times I might have wore myself out fighting realities that are not mine to fight or control.”
And my final practice is to:
Notice
When I can stop and notice the smallest blessings of the moment; it takes my mind off the fear of the future may be for only one second or two, but it really does help. Accepting the present moment is a gift. It doesn't mean I have no fear of the future for my children with special needs or any of my children, but this little practice is helping me to get through the hard.
So these are my four practices: Remember the Lord is near; Peace first, problem later; Breath prayer; and Noticing. I'm going to be honest and tell you that I have not mastered all this, at all, but each day I take a step closer to having peace instead of fear in my life. And each day, my mindset shifts a little bit more. What are you afraid of? What keeps you up at night, or causes you to be hyper-vigilant? How can you change your mindset from fear - to trust and peace? In his book The Inner Voice of Love, Henry Nouwen says this:
When afraid, what are you to do? Make the conscious choice to move the attention of your anxious heart away from the waves and direct it to the One who walks on them, the One that says, “It's me. Don't be afraid.” Keep turning your eyes to Him and go on trusting that He will bring peace to your heart. Look at him and say, “Lord have mercy.” Say it again and again, not anxiously, but with confidence that He is very close to you, and He will put your soul to rest.”
Thank you for joining me today as we talk about shifting our mind-set. As we leave today I'd like to read to you Psalm 23, which is one of my favorite ways to calm my mind in the midst of fear.
The Lord is my shepherd. He gives me everything I need. He lets me lay down in the fields of green grass, and He leads me beside quiet waters. He gives me new strength. He guides me in the right path for the honor of His name. Even though I walk through the darkest valley, I will not be afraid for you are with me. Your shepherd's rod and staff comfort me. You prepare a feast for me right in front of my enemies. You pour oil on my head. My cup runs over. I am sure that your goodness and love will follow me all the days of my life, and I will live in the house of the Lord forever.
Thanks for joining us this week on Take Heart. Our prayer each week is for your heart to be encouraged. We're grateful that you are walking on this journey with us. Be sure to subscribe to our podcast on iTunes or wherever you listen to your podcast, so you'll never miss a show. You can follow us on Instagram @Takeheartspecialmoms. If you have any questions or comments follow the links in the show notes and reach out to us, we would love to hear your story. Thanks for listening, and we'll see you next Tuesday.
