(0:20) Welcome to Take Heart, where our goal is to give you hope, offer insight and encouragement, so you can flourish in your journey as a Special Needs Mom. Each week Sara, Amy, and Carrie will explore a theme, share an inspiring story, practical tips, and encouragement you can use on your journey. Thank you for being here today.
(1:07) Hi this is Amy J. Brown, and this month of March we’re talking about self care. We want you to join us for the self-care challenge. All you need to do is snap a photo that shows a way you care for yourself, whether it's for your mind, body, or soul. Then tag us @takeheartspecialmoms and label it with the #takeheartselfcare. Let's start a movement of self care for the special needs mom
(1:38) We all know the drill when flying with our children, we are instructed to put our oxygen mask on first. I know this is what I'm supposed to do. You know this is what you are supposed to do. If I'm being completely honest, if I was traveling with my oldest son today, I would reach over and slap that oxygen mask on his face. He’s 28, has a beard, a wife, and a job. As moms we are not very good at putting our mask on first. We are often focused on the needs of our children. This is especially true of special needs moms. We have to juggle medical appointments, medical issues, emotional problems, therapies, IEPs. It is hard as a mom to remember to breathe and take care of ourselves. We are busy and overwhelmed and often feel mom guilt. We always feel like we're not doing enough, and maybe we feel like we are not enough.
What images come to mind when you think of self-care: massage, yoga, holding a pretty cup of coffee? What feelings do those images bring up: guilt, overwhelm, envy? Does it seem like it is something that you as a special needs mom do not deserve, or that you don't have time for? Are you so overwhelmed that you think I don't even know what self-care would look like for me? Can I ask you to listen in for just a few minutes? As a mom to six kids and two with attachment disorder, I have learned about self-care the hard way. It took me years to give myself the permission to take care of me, mainly because I didn't think I had time, and because I felt guilty. Let me give you an example. Years ago I was struggling with all the demands of my large family and also the issues we were having with our child with reactive attachment disorder. I was always busy, always on high alert, and never able to relax. I don't know about you, but I hold all my stress in my neck and my shoulders. My neck got so stiff I could not turn it, so I decided to schedule a massage. Let me just stop here and say. I waited until I was in so much pain I literally could not turn my neck. I had to turn my whole body. I waited until it got to that point to go get a massage. It's kind of ridiculous, isn't it? The massage helped, but it led to another one because I was still having issues, and then another one until it became a practice. Here's the thing about me getting a massage, I was kind of embarrassed about it. I didn't tell anyone. I didn't want anyone to think I was being extravagant, or taking time for me, or selfish. The story I was telling myself was you don't deserve this, you don't have time for this. I'm an older mom now, and here is what I wish I could go back and tell my younger stressed exhausted self. Self-care is not an extravagant extra. Self-care is essential. Why? Because you matter and your well-being is important.
(4:56) What self care is not. First of all it's not selfish. It's not habits that make you feel even more empty and tired. For example, maybe your friend likes to run six miles every day, and that's her self-care. It doesn't mean it's your self care. If that's going to make you tired and empty, that's not self-care. It’s not life draining, and it's not impossible. I promise you this, it’s not. Self-care is soul care. It makes us feel lighter. It brings us rest and joy. Self-care is doing what you need to stay grounded and connected with your body, soul, and mind. Our bodies, minds, and souls all matter and taking care of self is taking care of our souls. You know as moms, we’re pretty good at knowing what our kids need. We have all experienced the overtired toddler screaming, “I'm not tired,” even though we know that he needs a nap, or the grumpy teenager that just needs to eat. With our special needs kids, we know exactly what they need, and we advocate for it. We mother them. Now, I'm going to ask you to do something that is very hard to do. I'm going to ask you to mother yourself, to care for and protect yourself like a mother would. I know, already you're thinking I don't have time for that, and that's selfish. But, can I encourage you with this? You will advocate and do all the things for your child, but you are God's child, and you need to take care of yourself. You need to go to bat for yourself. You need to mother yourself.
(6:30) Now you're saying okay, but how? I have seven steps to help you breathe. I'm going to use the letters of the word breathe to give you these steps. Before I start, I have a free exercise called Seven Steps to Help you Breathe with ideas and reflection questions to help you find space for self-care as a special needs mom. You can find that at www.amyjbrown.com, or we'll put the link in the show notes. So let's get started. Seven steps to help you breathe.
(7:01) We’ll start with B- beliefs. Let go of your limiting beliefs. About a year ago, I interviewed several special needs moms about this topic of self-care. I asked them, what are your limiting beliefs? Here's what they said. These are their words: hyper-vigilance. Guilt. I do not want to put the burden of caring for my child on someone else. Guilt. Not a priority in my life. I’m needed all the time. Guilt. Never free from all the responsibilities. I do not know how or what I need. Guilt. How will I fit it in? Once again, guilt. Can you identify with any or all of these? I think you can. I know I could. Another issue that came up is what I like to call the “Mother Teresa syndrome.” People admire us. They come up and say things like, “I could never do what you do.” Well hello, no one's asking you to. Or you're so strong and steadfast all the time and so patient. People admire us and expect us to handle everything like a rockstar, so when we need to admit that we need a break, we feel guilty. So, identify what limiting beliefs you have about self-care.
(8:29) R- rest. How well are you resting and sleeping? In his book Essentialism author, Greg McKeown, writes about the importance of rest. He calls it, “protecting the asset.” The asset is your brain. You are the asset. The asset is you. We simply cannot function well without sleep, but many of us forego sleep to get more done. We are so stressed out and worried, we can't sleep. We need actual sleep, but also rest from trying to figure it all out. So take a moment and think about how well you are resting and how can you improve that?
(9:03) E-evaluate. Evaluate what you need. Sit down and make a list of what you need. Ask yourself, What do I want? What do I need and want? What hinders this? Write it all down. Get clear. I call this the pie-in-the-sky list because nothing is too big or too small to go on this list. Just get it down. When I asked this question of special needs moms that I interviewed, no one said anything outlandish like I want to live at the beach with no one else for a month. No one said that. They said simple and totally doable things like: I want to go for a walk, I want date night with my husband, I want to go for coffee with a friend, I want to take a nap. These are all doable, but for some reason we do not do them. When you write something down, it is more likely you will do it. The act of getting it down makes it seem possible. So evaluate what you need.
(10:01) A-adapt. Take one of the two things on your pie-in-the-sky list and adapt it to your specific life. Instead of looking at the list and thinking this will never happen, so forget about it. Accept your limits and be realistic about your expectations. Adapt to what you need for your situation, and don't make it hard. Keep it simple. When a child needs an IEP in school, the school doesn't look at the child's limitations and say, “Oh well this kid can't read, so we're just not even going to try.” No, they adapt to that child's specific situation. They don't quit just because the child can't do something. They adapt. I'm going to ask you to write your own IEP. Adapt to what you can do in your actual life. Start somewhere.
(10:51) T-tell your story with truth. You may be thinking, what does this have to do with self-care? It has a lot to do with self-care. When we honestly process our story, we get to see what really is and accept where we are. You need to process your story. Find a friend you can talk to about your life and where you are. Journal our thoughts on being a special needs mom and the limiting beliefs you have about taking care of yourself. Go to a therapist, a trusted friend, a mentor, and talk through your story. Look for themes. Are you angry or grieving or just plain tired? Look for God. Where have you seen him work? Maybe the story you're telling yourself is wrong. For years I told myself the story that if I just tried harder and found one more therapy my child with reactive attachment disorder would be okay. I've learned to tell myself a different story that I did the absolute best I could in the moment I was in. Were there more therapies I could have tried? Probably. Learning to tell that story has freed me so much. Telling your story is a part of your mental and emotional self-care. Remember self-care is doing what you need to stay grounded and connected with your body, your soul, and your mind. This will set you free.
(12:19) H-help. You may have stuck with me this far. We have to ask for help, and none of us like to do that, not one of us. I admit that. I hate asking for help, but you need to find your people and ask for help. Maybe what you need is to take a nap, or you need someone to walk with, or a babysitter. Take something from your pie in the sky list and think outside the box. Ask your friends to think outside the box. Here is what I know. We don't want to ask for help, but I also know we’re not supposed to carry this alone. Here’s an example from my life. I had a pie-in-the-sky list about a nanny. I wanted a caregiver that could pick up my daughter who has reactive attachment disorder from school. I wanted her to take my daughter for two hours. The reason I wanted this, my why. Sometimes it's important to know your why. I wanted two hours with my other children when they got home from college, school, or their activities. I wanted two hours of peace with them before our daughter came home, and there was not peace. So my pie-in the-sky was I wanted someone who could pick her up. So when I could afford it, somebody would take her anywhere, but my own house. Some could help her with homework. Someone who understood what was going on with her, and not be manipulated by her. Do you know what I did? I wrote this up, and I sent it to everyone I knew. I sent it to my friends, church friends, and some people that work at my husband's office. I explained the situation. I asked teachers at the school. You know what happened? I ended up getting a woman called Nancy. Nancy was an older woman, who worked as a teacher's aide in a special needs classroom. She didn't have children of her own. They were all grown. She picked my daughter up every day, took her to the park, did homework with her, did things with her at a reasonable price. Here's the thing. It seems like that would never happen. We would never find somebody like that, so we didn't ask. I’m so glad I took the step to ask. I think that's what you need to do too. You need to get over your reluctance to ask for help, and go to your list, and think how can we think outside the box here? Find something to help me find self care.
(14:48) E-enjoy. Our last letter is “e”, enjoy. What do you delight in? What brings you joy? Make a list and do something that makes you happy. When I ask my special needs moms that I interviewed what delighted them their eyes lit up. They looked happy and joyful. What makes you feel that way? Whatever it is, I grant you permission to go do that thing. One mom I talked to said she likes to watch movies by herself in an actual movie theater. Oh my goodness, when she told me that I had never thought of that. I started thinking about being in a movie theater, in the dark by myself with my own popcorn. Nobody needs to go to the bathroom. Oh that sounded like heaven. Now she told me this and then covid happened. So, like I'm saying, I haven't been able to do that. But, I am definitely going to do that. It just sounded wonderful. Find your thing that you love to do and make space to do it.
Those are the steps of Breathe: limiting beliefs, rest, evaluate what you need, adapt, tell your story with truth, find your help and enjoy. Let me state this clearly. God loves you. He sees you Who you are matters, not because you are a mom, a wife, a daughter, or a sister, but because you are you. He delights in you and bids you to rest in him. The book of Matthew tells us if you are tired from carrying heavy burdens, come to me, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke, I give to you. Put it on your shoulders and learn from me. I am gentle and humble, and you will find rest. This yoke is easy to bear, and this burden is light.
(17:01) Thank you for joining us this week on Take Heart. Don't forget we have the self-care Instagram challenge going on and my resource Seven Steps to Help you Breathe, that is linked in our show notes. You can follow us on Instagram or Facebook @ takeheartspecialmoms. Listen in next Tuesday as Carrie shares her thoughts on self-care.