Laura Hernandez from Mama Systems shares about the victories and struggles of parenting children with fetal alcohol syndrome and reactive attachment disorder. She shares advice for parents including: being an advocate, getting someone in your corner, learning vulnerability, and creating systems for peace in a chaotic situation. Don’t miss it.
June 1, 2021: Ep. 42
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If you enjoyed our podcast, please...
Laura Hernandez from Mama Systems shares about the victories and struggles of parenting children with fetal alcohol syndrome and reactive attachment disorder. She shares advice for parents including: being an advocate, getting someone in your corner, learning vulnerability, and creating systems for peace in a chaotic situation. Don’t miss it.
June 1, 2021: Ep. 42
Timestamps & Key Topics:
Episode Links & Resources:
If you enjoyed our podcast, please...
Amy J. Brown 0:21
Welcome to Take Heart where our goal is to give you hope, offer insight and encouragement, so you can flourish in your journey as special needs moms. Each week Sara, Amy and Carrie will explore a theme, sharing an inspiring story, practical tips and encouragement you can use every day.
Thank you for joining us today. Today's guest is Laura Hernandez. Laura is mama to 10 amazing kids. Three of her children were adopted from foster care, and they have fetal alcohol spectrum disorder. She has found her gifting in bringing peace to the chaos of the home through systems and helps other mamas to do the same. Welcome, Laura. We're so glad to have you here at Take Heart today. Laura and I have a few things in common. We have big families. We're adoptive and bio moms. We have kids with attachment disorder and fetal alcohol syndrome. I say we have big families, but yours is bigger than mine. Sometimes I say six kids feels like 12, so do 10 kids feel like 20?
Laura Hernandez 1:55
Sometimes. I feel like our special three feel like 100 sometimes.
Amy J. Brown 2:01
So if you could just tell us a little bit about your family and your special needs journey to start and let our listeners get to know you.
Laura Hernandez 2:08
Yeah, so we have 10 kiddos, and we live in the Dallas area. I'm married to Tony. We adopted, coming up on our six year, and we adopted a sibling group of three. We had the oldest when he was a baby. He went into foster care, and then he went back to his mom. She subsequently had two more kids. When we adopted, we got all three of them. So they are all biological siblings. They all have fetal alcohol syndrome, or spectrum disorder. That has been a journey. It took a long time to figure that out. Like now, educating myself, I feel frustrated and annoyed that no other experts that we went and saw when we're like what's going on, that nobody knew. Nobody said anything. No one was educated enough to know about it. I am wanting to spread the word and really educate people and just put a light into that darkness because it feels lonely. It feels like there's something else here, and nobody's giving you the answers. Not that I have all the answers, nor am I the MD expert that can diagnose children with FASD. I feel like I just want to shed light on that.
Amy J. Brown 3:20
You know, I would say that for our experience with FASD and reactive attachment disorder, I felt like I was like a mouse in a maze. I would get so far and then there'd be a wall. Then I turn a different way and try a different therapy, and then there'd be a wall. So, I totally understand that feeling of not getting a diagnosis and people not really understanding what you're going through. I think for moms out there that listen that have kids with these kinds of issues and have invisible disabilities, it's really frustrating because you just want a one and done diagnosis. Then you feel like I could deal with that. No, that's not really true, but it makes you feel that way. I don't know about you, and if you could speak to this, but for us, it wasn't like okay, FASD, now you can just go about your life. There's all kinds of variants and different behaviors and different kinds of ways it manifests in each kid. That's frustrating, too. So, what would you have to say about that? Have you experienced that too?
Laura Hernandez 4:26
We have, definitely. We started out getting just a diagnosis here, a diagnosis here. So we've been diagnosed with everything under the sun. Again, on the flip side of learning more about FASD, I'm like, Oh, well, it's that, and it looks like all of these other things. So it looks like depression. It looks like attachment disorder. It looks like autism and ADHD. While they may also have those things as well, it's like under the umbrella of FASD. I don't know, we would get so far in life like autism therapy, and they'd be like, "Well, I'm not really sure that he is autistic because he can't..." So even though the experts would be like, I don't know, he's got a lot of the things, but I don't really know. You're like, oh, my goodness, if you don't know who am I supposed to go to? I went to a sleep specialist one time, because we have some interlopers who just go around the house at night. The sleep specialist at the Children's Hospital here in Dallas, so not like a podunk little pediatrician person, like, the experts, right? His plan to deal with this was to pinky promise with my son that he wouldn't escape out of the window anymore. I was livid. I thought, are you kidding me? This is not like drugging him with all these things. I need him to sleep. He needs to sleep, and he needs to let everybody else sleep. I mean, that was like, kind of the last like, I don't know what to do, like, I'm, I'm done. Well, clearly, I'm not done, but...
Amy J. Brown 6:00
Right. We've all had that feeling. You know, I found that when I would go to a specialist, and I don't know if other moms that have kids with FASD feel this way. I felt like I did my PowerPoint. I was educating them on what I knew, which seems so upside down when you're just searching for answers.
Laura Hernandez 6:22
I mean, it's ridiculous. I feel I've gone recently to doing it, you know, dealing with all the chaos that they bring into your life, right? Then along with that, you're like, well, I need to go to all these webinars and all these educational trainings on FASD, so that I can be equipped. So I can then teach the doctors and the therapist what's really going on with my child. I've come up with different game plans of making booklets to bring to them and educating teachers at school because if I'm not educating them, that means they're making up stories about me and my parenting, calling authorities and telling them things. I was very, very annoyed by this at first. A couple of years ago, we had a case where somebody called CPS on us because my daughter was eating off the floor in the cafeteria, despite the fact that she had a lunch with her. She was wanting everybody else's lunches and wanted to always go through the lunch line, and so therefore, we must not be feeding her. She's neglected, right? From then, I was like this is ridiculous, I should not have to prove we feed our children to people. They're clearly healthy, which she's a chunky little thing, you know? Anyway, from then on out, I've written a letter to the school, to every teacher at the school to advocate for my kids, before we even get there in the fall? Hey, here's their history. There's trauma there. There's so many things you can't see and that you don't know. If you have any questions, please just call me and ask me.
Amy J. Brown 7:59
Yes, yeah, we've done that, too. When I talk to other moms that have kids with these kinds of problems, they feel guilty, because a lot of times it's behavioral issues. So they're embarrassed to go into the school because of their child. I have a story that I went to a parent teacher conference and the first thing my teacher said to me was every single parent teacher conference is about your daughter and what a bully she is. I just shrunk in my heart. Oh, every parent thinks I'm a terrible mom. What I tell moms now is if your child was going into a school room, and he needed a wheelchair ramp, and that school didn't have it, you would advocate. This is the same kind of advocating. It just is not physical, it's behavioral and emotional. I think sometimes, I've heard moms say to me, it's embarrassing, because some of their behavior doesn't reflect well on our family. I know, you understand what that's like.
Laura Hernandez 8:58
He's been caught several times stealing. He likes to steal paper from the teacher, which is such an odd thing to steal, in my opinion. If most would steal from them, it would not be paper, but also stealing from other kids and stuff. I'm mortified by it. It's just, it is so embarrassing, and so because it does feel like it's reflecting yourself. So I've had to really step in and talk to myself kindly like I would a friend.
Amy J. Brown 9:25
Right.
Laura Hernandez 9:27
I've really learned to kind of get the teachers, especially our sped (special education) teacher, she's amazing and is on my team. So everybody who has questions, just goes and talks to her. She kind of intercedes for me in a way in dealing with other teachers and their scary assumptions about our family. She's just been really amazing, so I'm finding that having that one person at each place - like one person at therapy, one person at school, and one doctor that I can just constantly go to and say, "hey, we need this, hey, we need this is really great.
Amy J. Brown 10:02
I think part of what you just said is talking to yourself like a friend. If you came to me and said this is my child, he's stealing paper, and everybody thinks....I would say, that's not anything, no reflection on you, this is a reflection on what his condition is. Right? But, we're so hard on ourselves. I don't know if it's because well, I have two kids with attachment disorders. One has a physical disability, so he gets all kinds of grace, because he has a physical disability. I'm not saying that all kids with physical disabilities get grace. My daughter who looks typical, she doesn't get that so. I think that puts us in a shame hole to some degree. I also think what you just said about you have one person. I wish you had a million people everywhere he went, but you have one, and that's good. If you're a mom that has those kinds of issues, find your one person and be vulnerable and say this is what's going on because that is advocating for yourself and your child.
Laura Hernandez 11:07
Yeah, for sure. I think it took a while to get there. Her name is Lisa, it took a while to get there with Lisa, and a lot of tears on my end. I don't even know what to do. I need your help. She works with all three of my buddies. So I'm like, I just don't even know what to do with them. She's just been so great. It's taken that piece of: I don't know what you're gonna think of me and in tears going to her and saying, please help me. I think that's the piece that has really kind of bonded our relationship. She knows I care about them. I love them so much, and I want the best for them. She also knows because she works with them on a daily basis how incredibly hard they are.
Amy J. Brown 11:51
Right. It's hard to be vulnerable, especially when you feel like, oh, everybody's shooting daggers at you, or judging you. I used to crack up when I would go to school, and my daughter is black, so she doesn't look like me. Nobody would assume immediately she was my child. One day I had a person come up and go, are you Grace's mom? I immediately had this, oh, no, what is she gonna tell me? Do I lie? She said, "Oh, she's so funny." I would immediately armor up like, okay, because I've heard the opposite. I think it's super important that we are vulnerable, and be open to those people that can help us and not everybody's gonna get it. Lots of people aren't going to get it; not every professional out there is going to understand. I think we have to keep trying and keep trying until we find that person that can help us because we need help. This kind of parenting journey for sure.
Laura Hernandez 12:54
I could not agree more. Even just having someone who is willing to learn on their end. With Lisa, I'm sending her these trainings and educating her as we go, so that we’re together learning how to best take care of them. That's been a beautiful thing. I know that there's a lot of people like the vice principal of the school. She is not that way. She could care less. She cares about our numbers, she cares about whatever, you know. So finding the person that's willing to learn and really loves our kids enough to want to see good things for them.
Amy J. Brown 13:30
One of the things we talk a lot about at Take Heart is connection. So you're connecting with these people, but how do you find connection with other moms or people that get it because it's not common, or at least everybody's underground or too swamped to reach out? So what kind of encouragement could you give our listeners for that? If it's hard to say, it's okay.
Laura Hernandez 13:55
It's definitely hard for me, but I also feel like the Lord has been very kind to me. This may sound very cliche, but to pray for people. Karla is one of my dearest friends, she grew up with a sister who has fetal alcohol. I mean, who else in the world? No other friends have that, right? She's one of my dearest friends. She gets it. She gets their behavior, and she'll come back with a story about her sister. Like one time, you know, whatever. That just makes me feel not so crazy. Then our amazing, amazing, amazing attendant who comes over like every day has become a part of her family and is so precious. She is the oldest of nine and two of those buddies have special needs as well. One has Down Syndrome and then one has another genetic disorder, but it looks a lot like our buddies with a lot of rage and it's the psychosis and the low IQ mixed together. It's just a really hard mix, and she is amazing, and she has taught me so much on how to be patient and be kind, to think about the next step of what we need to do.
Amy J. Brown 15:07
I don't think that's cliche to say, to pray about it, because God knows what we need, and doesn't mean it's gonna happen immediately. I think we just have to keep reaching out and hoping. I have said before that I have a good friend who does not have any of these issues at all, but I didn't tell her stuff. Like she said, "I didn't know. I didn't know how to help you because you didn't tell me." You get tired of sometimes always being the one that's like, okay, here's the thing that happened next. To have those few key people, either they get it, or they're willing to try to get it makes such a huge, huge difference. Just a couple days ago, I had an issue, and I didn't tell anybody about it, because I was like, it's a behavioral issue. I thought, I'm just tired of it, but I could feel it like building. I finally just called a friend and said, "Okay, here's what happened. I'm not stressed about it. I don't know what to do. It's just par for the course parenting children like this, but I just hadn't told anybody about it." Just even saying it out loud. Like, this is the thing that happened. Just made me feel lighter. So I think that is really important for moms to do, as hard as that is. So one of the questions that I was going to ask you, and this is interesting. If you could go back to yourself, your younger self or a younger mom just starting on this journey. What would you say? Because it's long, and it's hard. What do you think you would say?
Laura Hernandez 16:44
I've thought about this question a lot. I think that I probably would just encourage myself to continue to reach out. It's just a constant asking for help from others, admitting you can't do it all. That just feels so constant now, and I'm very comfortable with it now. I have no problem at all for help, asking for resources and all of those things. I remember the first time that we went into the DSHS place and got services for our kids, I felt so guilty and ashamed that I was using government funds for something. Now bring it on. I need all I can get. I've had to like pep talk myself in this. I don't know, I don't know how this comes across. The government would be paying a lot more money if they were in a home somewhere, and they were trying to do this institutionally. It's okay that I'm taking these resources, that's okay. Whatever the guilt piece of it is, like using people's tax money for our family, just felt really awful. Now I'm okay with it. Now I'm more than okay with it.
Amy J. Brown 17:55
There's that part of that guilt, whether it's they need therapy, and a lot of people don't feel guilty about taking their kid to therapy, or maybe your non special needs kids need therapy, and that's okay, too. There's that part of guilt, like you just said. I think with kids with fetal alcohol and attachment disorder, one of the things that has been hard for me is it's behavioral. So I think surely I could get a better system. I always say this, I would not expect my physically disabled child to hike a mountain with me, he couldn't do it. I wouldn't be mad at him or frustrated, or try to make the mountain smaller for him to do it. With the behavioral issue, it's so hard to know. What can they control? What can they not control? I don't know about you, but a lot of times people will say, "Well, if you just did this discipline system or this thing?" Yeah. I mean, I know you're, you're like, Oh, I know. So I think there's a lot of guilt that goes with that because you just think I just figured a better system to get them to do this or do that. I talked to a mom recently, and we were talking about stealing, which is really common in kids. For years, we would say, "You can't steal, here's the consequence." Finally, it is what it is. Sometimes I would say to a younger mom, sometimes it just is what it is. All that energy that goes into trying to get a better way to deal with this behavior is probably better spent on therapies and other things, instead of me trying so hard to figure out the behavioral piece because it's hard to figure out I don't know if you ever can in some kids.
Laura Hernandez 19:38
Yes, like delegating it to others and taking that off your plate and giving yourself an hour of quiet instead of trying to figure out our new system for stealing and sending them to some sort of therapy. I think that's a lovely plan.
Amy J. Brown 19:56
How do you find time for yourself or do you?
Laura Hernandez 19:59
I do. Apart from, I mean, our little buddies are clearly very difficult. Apart from that, we do have some good systems in our house that just help things run smoothly: laundry, time for myself, and time for my husband and I. We just really had to prioritize those, especially amongst the crazy because the crazy is always gonna be there, right? Forever and ever, I feel. So just really making those things a priority, and really planning through all of that. I go see a counselor every other week and go see a chiropractor every other week and get a massage. I just know that that's so important, or otherwise I'm gonna, I'm gonna lose it.
Amy J. Brown 20:45
Right. I think it's interesting that we find time to get our kid to speech therapy, we'll get our kid to this and that, but we won't do that for ourselves. I know you have mama systems. I want to talk about that in a minute. First, I'm going to ask you another question about how your faith has grown in this whole journey.
Laura Hernandez 21:05
Every interview, I'm like, I'm not gonna cry, but I probably will.
Amy J. Brown 21:08
It's okay.
Laura Hernandez 21:12
I mean, it's just constantly growing and constantly stretching. I do feel like ever since we started this journey that people have been against us. It's spiritual warfare is the only thing I can say is going on here. Sometimes it feels like I'm unclear. Why are you letting people call CPS on us? This doesn't seem right. Who has time for that? We're trying so hard to be good parents, and we're trying to meet every single one of their needs and do everything for them. Yet, let's throw something else on there just for fun. I feel like the Lord has made it very clear that he's allowing us to go through those things, so that I can help others. Not even like, hey, this is how you get around CPS or here's what you do step by step, but just hey, you're not alone. Somebody thought we were neglecting our children too, because she was eating off the floor. You know. I just don't want any other mom to ever feel like it's so shame filled. FASD is so shame filled and having CPS called on you is so shame filled. It is infuriating at the same time, and I just don't want any other mom to ever feel alone in that. So definitely, like seeing those trials is for his good. Also just realizing, day after day that so often I feel like I don't know if I can do this. I don't know if I can do this for another however long they're going to be in our home probably til they are 60 or something, I don't know. I don't know. We don't need to talk about that. It feels like an overwhelming daunting task, and I just have to keep remembering. This is my same response when people ask, "Do you regret doing this? Do you wish you wouldn't have done this?" My response is you know what one day, I'm gonna stand before God, and I know that I will. He gave me this task and I was faithful in it. I showed up and I did what he called me to do. He's the only one. He's the only one I'm trying to please. So, granted all the other things all the time I'm like, "Oh gosh, oh gosh." I feel like I'm just constantly being pulled back to that of: you're it. I know beyond a shadow of a doubt that you called us to do this. I feel that just keeps bringing me back to center and what's important.
Amy J. Brown 23:53
You're gonna make me cry now because I totally resonate with that because I've been asked that same question. Would you do it again? God called me to do this. It is hard. This is one of the hardest things and it's hard. I agree with what you say, and I just loved how you worded it because this is what he called us to do. I have not done it perfectly, but I'm being faithful to what he's called me to do. For moms out there who are struggling with that, we both want you to know, especially kids with FASD and attachment, you are not alone. We understand, like you said it, it's shame filled. I love how you put that out. I wish you didn't have to put it that way. It is what it is. For you moms out there that are listening and feel that shame, just know that both Laura and I understand that, and there other moms out there that feel that too because it's such a unique road and hard road. We also know that God holds us in His hands. Sometimes though it seems like he's not. Some days. I love when someone goes, well, God doesn't give you more than you can handle. I'm like, ah, yeah. He does.
Laura Hernandez 25:09
All the time. Every day.
Amy J. Brown 25:12
Every minute. So anyway, thank you for sharing that and being vulnerable with that. But I do want to hear about mama systems. First of all, I love anything with a system. I do want to hear about mama systems a little bit. Tell us about that.
Laura Hernandez 25:29
I would love to. It's a mama consulting company. It kind of started back when we first got the three. I felt like I had life pretty under control. I was a great mom, you know, just had five children and could do anything in the world, right? Then these three little people come into our house, who are displaying ADHD and bipolar. I mean, they're Three, two, and one. They already have all these things that are just absolutely crazy making. After that first six months or so of living in complete survival mode, and just trying to get to bedtime. I was like we've got to come up with something. We've got to do something more than just, we can make it to bedtime. So, I sat down, and I had to plan out and prioritize. What are the things I want to be? I want to be instilling things in these children. Our goal is not just to eat and live. Right? How can I do that? What are the things I want to do? What are the things I need to get done during the day? How are we gonna accomplish laundry, all the things that go on in the home? Then also the things that I want to be going on in our home that weren't going on in our home. I sat down and created systems for those things. After about a year, besides when we have a rage situation going on, apart from special buddies things happening, our house is really peaceful. There's a lot of order here. It's not just because I'm a super organized person. I like things organized, but I'm not super organized. I just like systems. I'd like to have some control of things, especially with not having control over them. It feels good to have control over things in my life. Several years down the road, friends would come to me and ask me for things. How do you plan for therapies, tutoring, taking care of all these kids and then doing XYZ and managing all this? Oh, I gotcha, let me pull it up for you. This is so fun, mama systems, because this is so great. I love helping other moms feel at peace in our home and have joy in their home, even amongst the crazy in life.
Amy J. Brown 27:43
I like what you said that you weren't naturally organized because I could hear a mom going yeah, she must be naturally organized. I love how you've shared your story about what your home is like because I can hear moms out there going well, she doesn't have kids that rage, but you do. You have this crazy kind of life, but you have order and peace in the midst of it. Where can we find you? Where can they look at Mama Systems? I know you have some free resources on there. Then you offer some courses and some different things, so if you want to talk about that a little bit.
Laura Hernandez 28:16
Now I'd love to. You can find me on www.mamasystems.net. On Instagram, same thing and Facebook, same thing. I'm pretty easy to find. I do offer one on one coaching and then also have some courses for home order. I really want to share with you that I'm starting something new. Hopefully by the time this airs, this will be up and running on my site, but a new page of resources and educating about FASD. It's going to be called "Advocate Like a Mama. It will be situation there. I'll have resources and training for different things like medical binders and things like that, how we can get all that stuff organized. I mean the paperwork and the timesheets, and all of that can be so overwhelming. I just want to have free resources for mamas with special needs buddies.
Amy J. Brown 29:10
Oh, that's wonderful. That sounds wonderful. Thank you so much, Laura, for being here today. It was great to talk to you.
Laura Hernandez 29:17
You're so welcome, Amy, thank you.
Amy J. Brown 29:19
I appreciate your honesty and vulnerability and sharing your journey as a special needs mom. So thank you so much.
Thank you for joining us this week on Take Heart. If you love our podcast, could you please do us a favor and leave us a review on whatever platform you listen to. You can also follow Take Heart on Instagram or Facebook @takeheartspecialmoms. If you have any questions or comments or would like to share your story with us, please follow the links that are show notes. We love hearing from our listeners, and we love hearing your stories. Listen in next week as we continue our Take Heart Summer Interview Series, you won't want to miss it.