(0:26) Welcome to Take Heart where our goal is to offer encouragement, hope and insight, so you can flourish in your journey as a special needs mom. As we explore monthly themes, share inspiring stories and practical tips, our desire is to continue to serve you and new listeners. You can help us spread the word by subscribing, leaving a review and sharing the podcast with others. Thank you for joining us today.
(1:09) Happy Tuesday. It's Sara today, and we are talking about fear this month. For me, nothing struck fear into me more than the second I heard my doctor confirm my worst fears about my son TJ. I knew in my heart of hearts something big was wrong. We had been waiting almost two months for the official diagnosis. I knew enough of the possibilities and the online searches. All I needed to do was search the videos and descriptions for my mom's heart to know that my son was very sick. It wasn't until the doctor confirmed it, until fear became a palpable presence in our life. We heard the words like progressive, terminal, degenerative, no cure. We were told that our son would stop walking, sitting, eating and even breathing on his own. I grew up Christian, so I've always been taught life after death for believers, I haven't really given much weight to death. Sure, I had lost friends and loved ones over the years, and it hurt. But I really believed in life after death. I believe that we will go to a better place. At that moment of diagnosis, I suddenly was facing something I feared more than death. I knew I was going to watch my child slowly deteriorate, lose independence and suffer physically, if not emotionally and mentally as well. I've talked before about the month after diagnosis and how confused I was. I wanted to know why. Well-meaning people would say things like, "God has a plan or God's at work." I knew they were right, but in that moment, I wasn't feeling it. God didn't seem to be at work. He didn't seem to be planning anything. If he is why wait, why allow the suffering, I just didn't get it.
(2:48) This reminds me of the story of Lazarus's death, and Jesus raising him from the dead. Lazarus and his sister Mary and Martha were friends of Jesus. They knew Jesus loved their family, and in the Gospel of John, the story goes that Lazarus got sick. Martha and Mary knowing how much Jesus loved them sent word to Jesus, as he was in another city. It was about a day's travel away. John 11:5-6 says, "Now Jesus loved Martha and her sister and Lazarus. So when he heard that he was sick, he stayed two more days in the place where he was." Say what? I read that scripture one time, I thought. Why? What? He just stayed. So you would think that as a friend of Lazarus, and having loved Lazarus, Jesus would have rushed to Lazarus's side, right? I mean, that's how we would think it. At the very least, Jesus would heal him from where he was. He'd done it before. He did it with the nobleman's son or the centurion's servant. He wasn't even in the same place as them. He didn't even know them, but he healed them, and they weren't even his friends. So not only did he not heal Lazarus from afar, he waited two full days to begin his return. Since Jesus was a full day away from Lazarus, it was four days before Jesus returned. When Jesus entered the village and was met by Mary, Jesus was, and it says he was deeply moved, seeing her and the others' grief over Lazarus. Jesus asked where he was buried, and asked to be taken to him. It goes on to say in verse 35, that Jesus wept. That phrase here means that it's a calm, shedding of tears on Jesus's part. Jesus cared. He knew the outcome. There was no fear in Jesus, but he still felt deep emotions. He feels because He loves us. Some say he was weeping because death is the world's punishment for sin, and perhaps he was weeping for both reasons. The Son of God was shedding tears for us. He was shedding tears for Lazarus. If you have a chance to study the story of Lazarus's death and raising the dead, please do. It's a fascinating story. The short version is that Jesus waited not out of apathy, but of a bigger purpose. Some say that Jesus stayed where he was because by the time the messenger reached him, the word of Lazarus's illness, Jesus knew that Lazarus was already dead. According to Jewish belief, the soul didn't depart from a person's body for three days. After three days, the soul would depart, and the body would begin to decay. Some say that by waiting until the fourth day, Jesus was showing the glory of God in indisputable proof. Jesus was demonstrating God's power over death. Let's read John 11:5-6 again. There is something that I think is so important here. It says, "Now Jesus loved Martha and her sister and Lazarus. So when he heard that he was sick, he stayed two more days in the place he was." Did you get that? It says Jesus loved them SO he stayed where he was. He didn't stay where he was out of accident, or because something else happened. It was because of his love for them that he stayed. What seemed like apathy or confusion, most likely to Mary or Martha was strategic for Jesus. It was bigger than Mary, Martha, or Lazarus. There are several lessons we can learn from the story of Lazarus's death and resurrection in regards to fear. One, God is never late. Even when we are waiting, perhaps even waiting in agony, fear or despair, God is actively working, and we can count on that. I pray daily for a cure for my son. It may not happen in my lifetime, but I take comfort knowing it's not because God is late. It's not because God is procrastinating or even distracted, he's actively working. The second lesson is that God is in control. Even if we don't see him or feel him near, this journey can feel lonely and isolating at times; it can feel fearful and out of control, but that's when it is the most important for me to take a deep breath and remember that God's got this. He is in control. He is actively in control. The third lesson is God cares. Even in the midst of him working everything out for His glory, and our good, he feels our pain. He cares deeply for us. Jesus wept when he saw them mourning, and he was saddened by Lazarus’s death, not because he was sad because he died, he knew that Lazarus was going to be raised. Even if he didn't, he knew that Lazarus would go to a better place. He wept because everyone was so sad, and he felt for them. He knew how much they were hurting. That wasn't the only time either. After John the Baptist was killed, Jesus removed himself from the crowds to be alone and to mourn. God's love is not a detached love. God's love is authentic, and it is active. Our feelings are valid, and he wants us to turn to him with those feelings, though, even letting him work through them with us. If you're anything like me, you can read Scripture, understand it as fact, and know it is unequivocally God's living and breathing word, yet still have a difficult time applying it to your daily life.
(8:06) As special needs parents, our fears are many and they are vast. We deal with medical, mental, emotional, financial, behavioral, gosh, the list goes on and on. I wrote a blog post once about when fear is here to stay. What do we do then when fear is always present or it always tries to be present? In this blog post, I wrote (and the link will be in the show notes if you want to read the entire thing), I focused on how I live with fear, but not live in fear. One thing I do when the fear seems to be permeating through every aspect of my life is to write down my fears. I write it all out word for word, I don't hold back. I don't judge myself, and I don't try to tone down the crazy. Once it's all written down. I do what I call my facts over fear exercise. This is what it is. It's just a few steps that I go through so I can objectively see the fear for what it is.
(9:05) Number one is: grace to feel. I write down exactly what I'm feeling. I tell myself It's okay, and it's normal, if not a primal response to a genuine threat. I sit in that space and allow myself to feel all the feels, no judgment, no explanation, just the feels. The second part of this exercise is what I call: just the facts. I will then go and underline or highlight just the facts; just the facts as a judge or someone else would see it if I wasn't standing in front of them. I then cross out the rest even if they are valid fears. Ultimately, I just want to see what the facts are. There are no could haves, should haves, ifs or shouldn't haves allowed here, just the facts. Number three: promises and protection. If what remains is fearful and overwhelming, I write one of God's promises next to it. Scripture or someone else is currently in my corner or how I'm currently doing my best to protect myself and my loved ones from the danger. Number four is something I also know Amy does as well. Number four is: rewrite the story. So then I go through, and I take that grace to feel that I crossed out or I underlined, just the facts, and then I crossed out everything that wasn't. Then I wrote the promises and protection over it. What that gives me is that I rewrite it all out, I rewrite the fear that now stands as fact. So here's an example of a current fear of mine, and how I set on my heart, my mind around it. This is not foolproof every time, but it does help me more times than not. So for me the grace to feel that first step: my son's disease is progressing. He's starting to show signs of progressive weakness. I'm afraid we'll get a bad report for the next cardiologist visit. I'm terrified of what that will mean for him, for us and for our family. Can I handle the news? Will I crumble? How will TJ handle it? Can I go through it without crying and making him scared? Will he even understand the ramifications of the results? How do I stop my heart from stopping if his does? That's the grace to feel. I write it all out. Then I go back through, and I put just the facts. Just the facts in that instance was my son's disease is progressing. He's starting to show signs of progressive weakness, I remove the "what ifs", as if they are not current facts. Then I go on to the third step, which is promises and protection. I am doing everything I know how to do on this side of heaven. I am proactive, and he is receiving the best care that we can provide. We have an incredible medical team who are forward thinking. There are literally millions of dollars being invested into research for a cure. We have amazing family and friends and a community that cares for us. Then, most importantly, there is God's promise of eternal life with him without pain, without sadness, without disease and without fear. I remind myself what Jesus told Martha after Lazarus's death. Jesus told her "I am the resurrection and the life, anyone who believes in me will live even after dying. Everyone who lives in me and believes in me will never, ever die." That's John 11:25-26. Then the last step is I rewrite the story, or I flip the script, as it stands as fact. The story in this particular example, would go like this. Yes, TJ's disease is progressing. Yes, he's starting to show signs of progressive weakness. Yes, it's sad and terrifying. He's happy though. He's full of life today. He struggles, but he's also pretty darn good at overcoming. We are doing everything we know to provide the best care mentally, physically and and emotionally. TJ is God's child first. So whatever I feel is nothing compared to how God is caring for him today and always, God is stronger than this disease. God is stronger than Duchenne, so is TJ, and so am I. Now, this exercise doesn't eliminate the fear wholeheartedly, but I find comfort knowing that I have the power to rewrite my fear into something strong and courageous as it stands in this moment. At the very least, I can find comfort in the fact that my faith is bigger than my fear. Ultimately, I experience fear, but I don't live for it, and my family does not live in it. We have not been promised an easy life here on earth. It's a broken world that we live in. God has promised us that he will help us overcome it, though. He wants our troubles. I want to leave you with this verse. I Peter 5:7, says, "Cast all your anxiety on Him, because He cares for you," That's it. That's the only reason. He wants our concerns. He wants our anxiety. He wants our fears because he cares whether you see it or not. God cares for you and He loves you.
(14:00) Thanks for joining us this week on Take Hart. Our prayer each week is for your heart to be encouraged. We are grateful that you are walking on this journey with us. Be sure to subscribe to our monthly newsletter at www.takeheartspecialmoms.com, and follow us on Instagram or Facebook @takeheartspecialmoms. If you have any questions or comments, follow the links in our show notes. We love hearing from our listeners. Thank you for listening. Next week. All three of us will wrap up this month on fear.