Take Heart

Inviting Him In: An Invitation to Intimacy with Kerrah Fabacher

• Amy J Brown, Carrie Holt and Sara Clime • Season 3 • Episode 104

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What happens when we wrap our identity around things we can’t control? What could our relationship with God mean for our identity? On this episode of Take Heart, Amy J. Brown and Carrie M. Holt sat down with counselor, coach, writer, and host of the “Be Known” podcast, Kerrah Fabacher. They discuss their very real experiences with misplaced identity and Kerrah gives some invaluable tips about finding a safe friend to open up with. 

October 25, 2022;  Ep. 104

Show Links:

Show Takeaways: 

  • [4:25] Learn about the key characteristics you should look for in an emotionally safe friend.
  • [13:11] Discover some of the common pitfalls of relying on your child’s experiences to create your own identity.
  • [25:39] Listen in on how you can cultivate deeper intimacy with Christ to form your true identity.

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Carrie M Holt  0:00  
On today's episode of Take Heart, we sat down with Kerrah Fabacher. Kerrah loves to see women find healing in and from broken relationships, so they can finally see what good relationships are made of. As a licensed professional counselor, boundaries coach, writer and host of the podcast, Be Known, she spends her life helping women learn what it means to authentically love God, themselves and others, so that they experience true wholeness and connection. You can find out more about her work, her coaching and her podcast at her website, www.kerrahfabacher.com.

Welcome to Season 3 of Take Heart where our goal is to offer encouragement, give hope and insight, so you can flourish and your journey as a special needs mom. As we explore monthly themes, share inspiring stories and practical tips, our desire is for you to be connected and encouraged. If anything you hear today would inspire a friend, would you please share it with them. All of our resources, including an entire written transcript of this episode is available on our website at www.takeheartspecialmoms.com. There are also links in our show notes to anything that is mentioned in the show. Thank you for joining us today.

Well, welcome to Take Heart, and we are in the month of October. We're finishing up this month on the podcast, and we are sitting here today Amy and I are with our friend, Kerrah Fabacher. Sara is actually off today. If you're wondering why her voice isn't on the podcast, that is why. She's off. This month, we've been talking about identity, and we wanted to invite our guest, Kerrah, to be on the podcast. She is a counselor and a friend that we met in our Hopewriters Mastermind in the year 2020. She just has an amazing podcast. I'm gonna let Kerrah tell a little bit about herself, and then we'll just go from there.

Kerrah Fabacher  2:23  
Good morning. I'm glad to be with you guys. I love you guys, and I'm so proud of the work that you're doing just together and for your beautiful community for special needs moms. I met them when I was in the hope writers mastermind in 2020, the year of the crazy, and we all survived it. I am from south Louisiana down by New Orleans, and I have lived here for the past 12 years. I have three sassy little girls, and I am married to a high school teacher and coach. Carrie said I'm a social worker, but my title is a counselor because those two things are a tiny bit different. But that's okay. Similar, just a little different. I do counseling here, most of the time. That's my full time work. I also write and host a podcast of my own called Be Known: The Podcast. Anything else?

Carrie M Holt  3:31  
No. Sorry about that. So thank you, Kerrah, for being here today. This month in October, we've been talking about identity. Moms, just moms in general, we struggle with finding our identity. There are just so many voices that speak into this. I know, one of the things that you talk about on your podcast is about being known and experiencing true wholeness and connection. I can tell you that as special needs moms, we often feel isolated. I think all moms struggle with this; it's not just special needs moms. But we know that we were made for connection. What are some ideas that you would give to our listeners on how can we be known and seen in relationships when we're feeling isolated from others?

Kerrah Fabacher  4:25  
Yeah, I think that one of the biggest things that I talk about with people in the counseling room, and just as regular human people as friends and all that is just this concept of safe people. One thing that I was thinking about when you just asked that question was, okay, well, you may not need to find a huge community. But if you could just find your safe people because I can understand as a fellow mom, but I cannot understand the demands sometimes that having a special needs child requires: the time, the energy, all of that. I think it would be unrealistic to expect yourself just to go join all the groups and go to all the things. I think that's unrealistic. So sit with that and think about who feels safe in your life, you may have 1, 2, 3 close friends, maybe it's a family member, maybe it is a support group or something like that for you. Finding those people that feel safe to you, people that are not going to be judgmental. They're going to be good listeners. They're going to be supportive when you need support. I mean actual, physical help sometimes if you need that when you're in those relationships. One of my best friends is a special needs mom, and I have noticed for her, that when she has found her safe people to actually be honest with about the struggles (the struggles of being a mom in that space) and the realities of what that has actually looked like in her day to day life, she connects so much more. As her friend, I want to provide that safe space for her to be able to really tell me very honestly, when she's at her wit's end, when she's done when she's sad, when she's frustrated, all these things. I want her to be able to do that. Finding your people, but then also being willing to be honest about where you're at, what you're doing,  your daily frustrations if you need to, because it is easy to get isolated. It's easy for all of us to get isolated as moms, especially busy moms, whose lives revolve around our kids a lot of the time. We have to make space for that. Maybe that's reaching out and being very intentional with a few people that you feel safe with. Some of my closest friends don't even live by me. I have to intentionally text them, call them, and Vox them. That is how I need to connect. I would also say this too, what's very helpful for me, one of my dear friends, actually two of my closest friends are single. I don't know why but it's incredibly helpful for me to have people who are not in my stage of life as very close friends of mine. That could be helpful for for moms as well to find people who may not be moms, find people who may not even be married to be in your group of people. You need a lot of voices, you need that time. Then reach out and be intentional to connect. 

Amy J. Brown  8:01  
Kerrah, can you speak a little bit to someone who's safe, because I think the first thing you think of as someone who's not going to harm you. I think ways that people aren't safe, we're not realizing it. You know what I mean? Like you come away from a friendship or a time with a friend and you're thinking, This doesn't feel right. But there's not like any big glaring reason. That person is not criticizing me. Do you know what I'm saying? How would you just how would you define safe? How would that look?

Kerrah Fabacher  8:24  
Yeah, I think it's gonna look different for different people. But I think the main things are: Is this person a good listener? Are they someone who shows empathy and compassion? Are they people who, again, are non-judgmental, maybe of you, accepting of you, people who are trustworthy? They're not going to go share all of your things. People who aren't manipulative or controlling, maybe even overly opinionated. You're weeding out quite a few with that language. Now, not everybody is gonna be perfect. You can't expect your safe people to do those things perfectly. Safe, means emotionally safe for you. Someone you feel like I can let in this place in these dark places in my life, I can show them what's really happening in me, how I'm doing, what I'm feeling what I'm struggling with. A lot of times that is a gut reaction, you can tell. Sometimes it's not. Sometimes it takes a little bit to get to know a person to see they do actually feel very safe for me to be myself too, to laugh to cry, all those types of things. Was that what you were looking for with that?

Amy J. Brown  9:50  
Right? Yeah, thank you for that.

Carrie M Holt  9:52  
One of the keys that you said is it does take time and sometimes we expect it to happen very quickly, overnight. I know just for me, being almost 16 years into this journey of us being a special needs parent I've needed different people in my life at different times. They've been in and out, or things have changed, or whatever. God has just provided. You said empathy is so important, because even if someone does not walk in your shoes. I think a lot of times we want (at least this is how I am) someone who's exactly like me, who can completely understand every aspect of this. Well, that's not going to happen. Right? Those people that I can tell, like you said, sometimes it is just this gut reaction that they don't know what you're going through, but they're really good at putting themselves in your shoes. I think that's, that does help you feel known. That does help you feel seen. That is such the core desire of our hearts.

Kerrah Fabacher  11:11  
Yeah. Yeah, that's good. Along those lines, being the one who initiates and invites, I think we're just gonna have to be the ones who roll up our sleeves and do that. Another piece of that is allowing others to be around your family, with you. That's not always comfortable. That's a bomb for a million reasons. Maybe you're like, oh, my gosh, my house is a mess, I'm embarrassed, or y kids are acting bizarre today, I don't know how to control them or like. If somebody feels safe enough, we want to also invite them not to be just in our life, but around our families. That really helps with the isolation as well, I think. 

Carrie M Holt  12:06  
The other day, I saw this quote on social media by Ann Voskamp that said, "Your activity for Christ does not give you your identity, you are not what your hands do. Your intimacy with Christ is what gives you your identity. You are what your heart is." I was thinking about that. It was interesting that I came across that quote when we were getting ready to talk about identity on the podcast. When I think about this in relation to families that have children with special needs, and just again, motherhood in general, this can apply to any mom, we often wrap up our identities in how well our kids are doing, right their behavior, how they're doing medically, how they're doing socially, spiritually. I think we often feel like failures when our children are not doing well, or living up to our expectations. I would just like for you to speak about some of the pitfalls of this. How do we work on changing our mindset?

Kerrah Fabacher  13:11  
Gosh, I mean, I feel like this is so important. I thought about it the other day because my eight-year-old brought home a D on a test. I was like, "What do I do with this?" I am not comfortable with this. I don't know what to do. I don't want her to feel awful, but I also feel super embarrassed. All of these really crazy feelings went through me. I think that that is just, one of the many moments in motherhood that it feels like that. You either feel disappointed in your kid, or you feel really embarrassed about what has happened (what they've done or how they've acted or something like that). Because they're not living up to what you expected. The question that you asked about pitfalls, like what are the pitfalls of us feeling like, we're a failure, every time we do not live up to some sort of expectation. The first thing I could think of was, we'll always be feeling like a failure then because they're never gonna live up to, whatever these expectations are. It's inevitable. You will disappoint people, and they will disappoint you. You will disappoint your kids, and they will disappoint you. You'll embarrass your kids and they'll embarrass you? Right? These things are inevitable. It's a given we should have been told that in the hospital when we delivered. This happens right? If we are constantly feeling like a failure in these moments of this thing didn't go as I hoped, or my kids not making the progress that I hoped or, wow, they had a really rough day today and everything just went to crap today. All of those little moments that we would consider failure, right, we're just going to constantly feel like a failure, then because that's just gonna keep happening. The longer you sit with that, and let it sink in, our minds are powerful. If we're feeling like a failure, all in all of those moments, then it's going to sink in, and it's almost going to become our label, that we have put on ourselves. We are going to fall even further, maybe into depression, maybe into further isolation, maybe into more issues with anxiety, and maybe we have, maybe our marriages start falling apart. The further you claim that identity, the deeper you go into that identity of being a failure as a mom, it's just gonna stick like glue, almost. That's one thing I could think of. Then another thing, a pitfall, I think we could become more controlling. I think we all don't want to be controlling, maybe that's not everybody. I think that for the most part, like when you say, "Oh, I'm being controlling, ooh, that feels gross, like, none of us really want to be these controlling people." If we're identifying with the struggles that our kids are having, right? We're identifying as failures because of the struggles our kids are having, then what that really means is we're just becoming more controlling, instead of releasing things that aren't in our control. Our kids, to a degree, we are responsible to our children. We have to take care of them. We have to nurture them. We have to make sure their physical needs are met, and their emotional needs are met for the most part. We do have a really important role in being moms that we cannot neglect. Some moms don't, and that's unfortunate, but we have this role that we cannot neglect. However, within that, we've got to remember that there are things that are not in our control such as diagnoses are not in our control, medical progress, emotional progress, relational progress, and all that kind of stuff with our kids, that's not completely in our control.  We can help with some of those things, but at the end of the day, the outcomes are not in our control, right? How our kids behave, how they think, how they feel, and how they act. If they get a D on a test. 

That stuff is not in our control. I think as moms, it's like a constant journey of releasing. Okay, Lord, like, I need to release what I cannot do anything about. I can help my kid study for the next test. I cannot control the fact that she speeds through her tests if she's doing that. I can help her try. But if she brings home another one, that's on her. That's not on me. That's a lot easier said than done. That is a huge part of it is just seeing, okay, there are things that are not in my control. I go over this with almost every client, we call it the circles of control. You can literally Google this and find a million graphics: just three circles. In the inner one is your control, the middle one is influence and the outer one is things that are not in your control. Yes, as moms, we have a lot of influence over what's going on in our kids' lives, medically, emotionally, and physically, all these things, right? Spiritually. All these different things, we can have influence over them. But we can't control the outcomes. That's huge. I think if we are trying to control it all, we just feel more and more like failures because it feels like it's all on us when things don't go well.

Amy J. Brown  19:35  
I think too, that comparison plays a part in that. When you see another mom who has the same diet child with the same diagnosis and their kid is doing (this happens to me) way better. Then you're thinking what did I miss? I should have nailed down every therapy. I should have..what did I do wrong? Comparison is part of that we take other people's lives and make that what we should be. I want to go back to what you said about behavior because to the moms that are listening that have kids with behavioral problems, that's a real thing, extreme behavior that these children have with attachment disorder. When you're walking into a school building, and everyone knows your child is the one that did this thing, it's really hard not to make that part of your identity. One of the things that helped me a lot was naming the diagnosis. I would go in thinking oh they're thinking I'm a bad mom because she stole all these things that she did these negative behaviors. But then I think, wait a minute, this is a diagnosis. This is not about my parenting. I had to say it out loud while walking into the next principal, meaning this is a diagnosis. I kind of started with that. I wanted to say, "I'm sorry, she did this." I wanted to go in kind of groveling, if that makes sense because my identity was I'm not doing something right. When I started with the diagnosis, this child was exposed to drugs and alcohol in the uterus, and these are her diagnosis. I know this sounds kind of technical, but the statistics helped me rein myself back in. Because you're right, I can literally do everything right, which I didn't, and still, I have no control over the outcome. I just think, for me personally, and for the moms that have kids with those kinds of diagnoses, that is an important distinction to remember, because behavior gets a different reaction from the general public than physical disability. It just does. So getting that in your mind, I think, is really important.

Kerrah Fabacher  21:35  
Yeah, that's huge. That's huge. I think we find a lot more compassion for our kids and ourselves, when we can remember some of those truths, like you're talking about, this diagnosis is a truth that this is what it is. This is a fact here, these are the symptoms, and this is what happens. I've worked with a lot of people in trying to find compassion, even for them, like going backward, if they're feeling shame for something from their own childhood. This is part of the language that I use. Let's look at what children are like, developmentally, let's look at how long it takes them to be able to fully regulate their emotions. Let's look at all these different factors so that we can be kinder in that way. Having compassion for yourself, also with your kids. Now, obviously, when people are dealing with special needs, their developmental things are very different. You got to know that as a mom being aware of all of that for your own kid and normalizing. This may not be normal for other kids around me, but it's normal for my kid, and it's okay. I can find grace in that for myself because I can realize that that is true. Comparison is a real thing, though. Actually, I feel like this is true for moms across the board. For some reason moms are super judgmental of other moms They are sometimes, and so that's a big part of this too. If you are feeling like other people are seeing and judging you, for whatever it is, whether it's your kids' behavioral issues, or whatever, you're gonna have to really sit with the Lord with that. I am not who they think I am. This is who I am. I am not what these people say about me, and my kid is not what they say about him or her: really kind of being found, have a nice solid foundation of what you know to be true, all of these truths when comparison sneaks in. I like that.

Carrie M Holt  24:06  
I know that is something that I personally have struggled with even my whole journey. I know, some of it just comes from like my story of origin and just feeling like I had to check all these boxes and fit all these things in order to be accepted. I've done that in my journey as a mom. I'll look at that family when my kids aren't doing that, or they are doing this. It's exhausting. It's exhausting playing the game of comparison. I think this ties in really well with what you said something about sitting with this and sitting with it with Christ. Let's just talk about that last part. Our intimacy with Christ is what gives us is our identity. Can you define that a little bit for us?  Let's just close up our episode with just chatting a little bit about what are practical ways and things that are very small. I think sometimes we feel like this has to be this huge makeover, this huge overhaul of intimacy with Christ seems so kind of pie in the sky, we'll never reach it kind of thing. God's been teaching me so much about this, but I would just love to hear your thoughts about what that means. What does that look like for us on a daily basis?

Kerrah Fabacher  25:39  
Hmm. I love my girl, Ann Voskamp. Thank you for sharing that. I'm reading her book right now, Waymaker,  that's so good. I think that this is something I've learned more about, as I've gotten further into my walk with Christ over the years. Because my intimacy with Christ has looked different, over the years. I have learned it is so much more about being with him, then all this doing stuff that maybe we were taught. Do this, do this. And even down to the like, this is how you do a quiet time, this is when. All of that I've had to almost just put out of my head and, and not start over with Christ in my own way, but really just strip away all of that and go. God, what does it look like for me to be with you? Because bringing it back to the safe people idea. Christ is the safest because of his presence...He is not judgmental. He is compassionate, he does show empathy, and he isn't going to hold all your wrongs against you and bring them up all the time. He is trustworthy, He is faithful. All of these things make up a safe person, he embodies that. He embodies that actually, perfectly. When we can just be with him. This is something I've walked through in different stages of grief I've walked through in my life I've just learned. What does it look like for me to be fully here, mask-free, with Jesus? It means that sometimes I throw out some really harsh David-type language with God. Maybe I ask a lot of hard questions. Maybe I don't hold back in his presence anymore. Maybe I tell him how I'm really feeling. Maybe I let him into those places. There was a book I read, and I wrote this quote down. I think it was a book Tim Keller wrote on marriage. It was his book on marriage: The Meaning of Marriage, I think. He says something about the difference between knowing and being known. God knows us, he knows us. He really does. He knows us fully, but being known by the Lord is a little different. What that means is I'm actually opening all of this up to him. He sees it. He knows. He's not surprised by the thoughts in my head when I say them out loud to him. He's not surprised by the feelings. He sees it all. It's more on my end. Am I opening myself up in this in these moments to him? Am I really being honest with him and with myself? What are the questions I have? What are the doubts? What are the fears? What are the anxieties? Where's the grief? I have got to be honest about that. He is safe, he is safe. I think that is intimacy with Christ. Because of the beauty of the cross, He has paved the way for us to go into His presence like that with this unhindered access. Let's take advantage of that. That is intimacy with Christ. In that place...What did she say? Intimacy with Christ gives you your identity or something like that.

That is where you find who you are. Right? Because, the more that I speak to the Lord, he'll speak back. There are truths that he will remind me of. You see that all throughout the Psalms, when David just gets super honest with God, and then God gently reminds him of some sort of truth that he needs to hold on to whether it's a truth about him or a truth about God. In those moments of really deep connection, we need to allow the Lord to just show us what is true about ourselves and sit with that. Maybe it's even writing some of that down. I am loved. I am a good mom. I am doing okay. I am giving the best I can. I can do this. Not toxic positivity or anything like that, but just truth, holding the truth. Yeah.

Carrie M Holt  30:58  
I think that's so good. One of the things I've been doing this spiritual practice with this app, and one of the questions that guy asked in the app the other day was: When you pray to God, where do you picture he is? Do you picture him way off in heaven? Do you picture him near you? I mean, He is in us, right? The Bible says, if we know Him, the Holy Spirit lives inside of us or is he next to you? It just rocked my world. I just thought so often I think we picture him as way far off. He's here like he's next to us.

Kerrah Fabacher  31:47  
Yeah, that's good.

Amy J. Brown  31:49  
I like how you made that distinction between how God knows us and is known because I think we can say, Oh, he knows it already. I don't need to say that I'm mad or grieving or whatever. It's we participate in that.  I think that's a really good distinction that will just bring us closer to him. Thank you for sharing that. I love that.

Carrie M Holt  32:09  
I would just like to close too with encouragement to our listeners. Invite Him in. Invite him into your grief. I recently lost my grandfather. I've been sitting in that grief. I realized that as much as I talk about grief a lot on the podcast. I'm so glad you touched on that earlier. What I've been trying to do is grieve on my own.  Like this is a job that I have to do, I'm just going to do it. The Holy Spirit said to me the other day, invite me in, I will sit with you in it. I think that's what intimacy is, the more that we can invite Christ into every aspect of our life. I think you said it when we are being known. It's when we're telling him and that's the invitation into ourselves, into our hearts, into our lives. Then he speaks the truth. Amy, would you mind just closing out our podcast episode in prayer today?

Amy J. Brown  33:29  
I would love to. Our heavenly Father, first of all, thank you that you know us, that you love us, and that you are beside us. Help us in the craziness, and busyness of our life, in all the things we have to do that we continue to invite you into those places that are hard: the grief, the sadness, and isolation, and also invite you in and praise you on the beautiful things and the lovely things. We thank You, Lord, that You are a God who sees us. We ask that you continue to walk with us. Amen.

Carrie M Holt  34:04  
Thank you, Kerrah, for being our guest today. We are so glad that you came.

Kerrah Fabacher  34:09  
Yeah, I love y'all. I'm on your team. I'm rooting for you guys. This podcast is just so beautiful and the work that you guys are doing, and I am honored that you asked me to be a part of it. So thank you for that. 

Carrie M Holt & Amy J. Brown  34:23  
Thank you. Thank You