Take Heart

Misconceptions About Rest with Amy, Carrie, & Sara

• Amy J Brown, Carrie Holt and Sara Clime • Season 3 • Episode 108

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Today’s collaborative episode dives into the topic of rest. It's no secret that special needs moms are tired, not just physically but emotionally and spiritually too. We often deny our limits or go full speed for so long that we don't even recognize our need to stop. We assume this hurried pace is normal. Amy, Carrie, and Sara address five common misconceptions about rest and some ways to combat the hurried pace.

November 22, 2022; Ep. 108

Resources Mentioned:

  • Parker Palmer, Let Your Life Speak

Show Takeaways: 

[2:37] I’ll have time to rest later
[6:12] I can’t stop advocating
[15:19] Rest means sleeping
[27:29] Rest is __________
[32:08] If I rest, bad things will happen
[34:15] An invitation to rest
[35:22] A prayer for you as you think about rest 

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Amy J. Brown  [0:08] 
Welcome to Take Heart, where our goal is to offer encouragement, give hope and insight, so you can flourish in your journey as a special needs mom. As we explore monthly themes, share inspiring stories and practical tips, our desire is for you to feel connected and encouraged. All of our resources, including an entire written transcript of this episode is available on our website at www.takeheartspecialmoms.com. There are also links to anything we mentioned in the show notes of this episode. Thank you for joining us today.

[1:02] Hi, this is Amy J. Brown, and I'm here with Carrie and Sara today, and we will be talking about the subject of rest. It's not a secret that special needs moms are tired. But we're not just physically tired, we're emotionally and spiritually tired sometimes. I think we often bypass or deny our limits. Or maybe we just go at full speed for so long, we don't even recognize we need to stop. If you could be a fly on the wall of our Voxer messages, you would hear the three of us telling each other frequently that we are tired. I've been thinking about this a little bit because we often say to each other. "I'm sorry, you're tired. I hope you rest." But we don't question, why aren't you resting? Because I think it's a foregone conclusion, we just assume it's part of our lives. There are a lot of misconceptions about rest. I think that's one of them. That's what we're going to talk about today. But before we get started, I just want to read you a quote by Parker Palmer in the book, Let Your Life Speak; he's talking about self-care, which includes not just sleeping that includes all kinds of rest. He says, "It is simply good stewardship of the only gift I have, the gift I was put on earth to offer to others. Anytime we can listen to our true self and give it the care it requires. We do so not only for ourselves, but for the many others whose lives we touch." What are some of the misconceptions that we have about rest? Well, we're going to talk about five of them today. And these are just five out of many. We're going to start with these and just kind of figure out where we're gonna go from here.

[2:37] The first one is, I'll have time to rest later. Now, I will tell you that I am the queen of this one; I am so bad at this. I think that if I get everything done, I'll be able to put my feet up. And I will tell you that this lie is based on scarcity. And this has never served me well. Because guess what? It never happens that way. There's always something to fill the time always. I was just saying yesterday to my husband that sometimes I feel like when I get in this mode, the accelerator pedal in the car of my heart and soul and body is stuck on go. I don't know how to stop it. But the real truth is, I work past my limits. Once that gas pedal is stuck, I have no way of going back. Do you guys struggle with this one?

Carrie M Holt  3:27 
Oh, yeah, definitely. Yeah, sometimes you just don't know how to slow down until something forces you to slow down.

Amy J. Brown  3:37 
What about you, Sara?

Sara Clime  3:39 
Yeah, I do. I think sometimes you feel like somebody else is driving the car.

Amy J. Brown  3:44 
There are no locks, like you can't open the doors because they removed all the hardware.

Sara Clime  3:50 
It's not even like the accelerator is stuck. I don't even think it's my car. I think too, that that's a lie. I think that is kind of a cop-out as well. I think that's just my way of saying that I don't have control over it. I don't have to make the hard decision of saying no. I don't have to say no to the hard things. As long as I think I can blame other people, then I just have to keep going and not have to make that hard decision of telling people that I love no. Sometimes as moms and the things that we do, everything that we do is, is good. I mean a lot of what we're doing, it's not bad. I don't think we can really sit around and just say that we're sitting around and eating bonbons. We're doing good work. Maybe all the work that we're doing isn't our work to do. Maybe some of it is we can say no, it's not our work to do.

Amy J. Brown  4:56 
I would say also that part of it, is the antidote to the liar, the opposite of the lie that we don't give our schedules to God. I can get going on that schedule and all the things I need to get done and all the things I need to get done a week in advance in case some big disaster happens. I don't even give the schedule to God. I start out the gate that way. I know better; I really do know better. I don't invite him always into my day, because it already seems so overwhelming. I always think it's just mine to carry. I think one thing that's helpful in that is to do some kind of mental download and say, "What do we really need to carry today?" Honestly, some of the stuff I think I need to get done, I really don't need to get done. I will say that repeatedly when I say I'm just gonna get it all done so that I can rest. I don't know; one time that it has actually panned out that way, I can't even think of it at all. I think that's a pretty common misconception we have about rest. We just need to give our schedules to God and figure out what is ours to hold for that day.

[6:00] I think another one is number two is constantly working and advocating for our kids like we never stop. A good mom wouldn't stop. Sara, can you talk about that one?

Sara Clime  6:12 
Yeah, I think it's much harder when they're younger, and they can't advocate for themselves. I think, right now, my son is older, and he's abled. First of all, I'd like to preface this with the fact that he can advocate for himself. I know many people who are listening, but your child is not able to advocate for themselves. I want to put that out there and acknowledge, that there are a lot of children who aren't. They're incapable of advocating for themselves for multiple reasons, and I just want to acknowledge that. I think we want everything that's best for our children. I have a neurotypical child. I have the benefit of saying, he's 22. He had some pretty lackluster teachers. Let's just put it that way, he made it. I think that they added to his experience, and I think he learned how to navigate those. He had some negative experiences in his life that he was forced to advocate, which I didn't find out until afterward. I guess what my point is, is that sometimes we don't; I didn't know that I could have stepped into advocate until after the fact, and things panned out. What I've learned, in retrospect, in hindsight, being 20/20, is that I think it's okay to let some of the advocating go. It is okay that our children do not have the best of everything in every situation. I think it's okay, that you step back and say, you know, what, I'm gonna let that particular look, that particular comment, that particular situation, I'm gonna let it go. I go into certain situations, depending on my moods as well if I'm feeling a little saucy, maybe. If I do not feel Jesus will come out of my mouth...I know before I go into the grocery store, or if I know that I if before I go into a situation, I just know that it's going to be best that I keep my mouth shut. That sometimes is the best way to advocate for myself and my child. I think that certain situations call for certain advocacy. I think sometimes it's okay to give yourself the right to advocate in different methods. I also have different ways I learned very early on that I didn't have to advocate in normal situations. I didn't have to be on my guard, with my fists up, ready to fight at every single given moment. I've talked about it before here on the podcast, if you've listened before, I have little business cards that I carry with me that just say you've encountered somebody with Duchenne Muscular Dystrophy. Here are some little bullet points about it. Suppose somebody says something that's a little stupid. We call them my stupid cards; if people say something stupid, I just hand it to them. Not everybody deserves an explanation, I think. It gets me to where I can just hand it to him and walk off. I think that sometimes you can think outside of the box too. You're not a bad mom, for not sticking up for your child in every single situation. Sometimes the best advocacy is to turn to your child and say (whether or not they're nonverbal or not) you know, your child was listening, you know, your child can hear you, you know, your child knows your voice, and they know the situation. Turned to them and say, "That was kind of a stupid comment," and explain it. Your child deserves the advocacy more than that person probably did. That's one of the things that I've learned more than anything.

Amy J. Brown  9:57 
It would be exhausting to advocate constantly, which would steal our rest. I want to say for kids with behavioral issues, I would get into the habit, which was exhausting me, that you never know how they will behave in a situation. Do you have all these thoughts of what if they do this? What if they do that? That's exhausting. We had a letter if they were going to camp that kind of explained what they had. I can't prepare for every potential behavioral issue. I was just wearing myself thin trying to figure it out. I just waited, because sometimes, surprise, surprise, they did fine. Then all that time I was a hot mess of exhaustion, worrying about how they would behave in a situation. I had to learn to kind of go, Okay, I'll deal with it when it happens because it may not happen.

Carrie M Holt  10:44 
I can relate to that also because I'm definitely one of those people where I kind of scope out the situation and want to figure out this and figure out that. I have learned that it's better sometimes to ask for forgiveness instead of permission. It's kind of that idea. I'm not talking about, actual right and wrong situations. For instance, we have nurses with us all the time. I go into a doctor's appointment, and maybe they're not really familiar with homecare nurses. It's not worth it for me to go in, already advocating because it's exhausting. It's mentally draining; deal with it when the time comes. I've also been learning lately because we have a teenager with special needs; there are many things with the brain going on. It's hard to know what your child can control and what they can't control. Sometimes they say things, and they have no filter. I have to learn to rest as Sara said; I don't have to correct everything that my child says. I don't have to explain him to everybody else. What I realized through the advice of my counselor is that sometimes we take on what our child is saying as part of our identity. We think it reflects poorly on us. It's okay to just let it go or shrug your shoulders and look at him and roll your eyes and, and move on and not worry about trying to explain.

Amy J. Brown  12:23 
That's good. I'd also say the mom out there who you hear all these treatments and therapies, and you should be trying them all. That's just not a possibility. That will exhaust you. It's easy to look at other families whose kids have the same diagnosis and think they tried this, and why haven't I thought of it? Why haven't I done it? That is exhausting. You cannot do it all. You're not supposed to do it at all. You shouldn't put your worth in what you have or haven't done because that is exhausting.

Carrie M Holt  12:54 
I would also say for those moms who are going to therapy with their child, you feel like you need to sit in on each session to learn everything. It's okay not to do that every time. I just did this a few weeks ago. I was busy painting and doing some things for our son's bedroom. I went to take him to therapy. He hasn't actually been in therapy for a really long time (some physical therapy, and he needs some strengthening and things like that." We've been going twice a week, which has been tiring. I went to therapy that day. Honestly, he was just across the room. He said, "Come on, Mom, come sit with me." I just looked at him, and I looked at his therapist, and I said, "I just can't today. I can't, I'm exhausted. I need to just sit here in this quiet space." I was actually crocheting like just something mindless, repetitive, just rest. I would tell you if you're listening, it's okay to not participate in every single therapy, every single thing, and to know every single detail that's going on. It's okay to say no and set up those boundaries.

Sara Clime  14:07 
I was actually gonna say, too, that we're so caught up in advocating for our children, that we miss other key members of our family to advocate as well. We can advocate for our marriage, and that sometimes is telling our children, even the child with disabilities, no, and telling our other neurotypical children, even though we feel like they're being ignored, or they don't get equal attention. They get to be told no too, and sometimes our husband gets to be told no, or our significant other gets to be told no, or other people or anybody. We get to advocate for ourselves as well. We're part of that equation as well. My husband is very much a people pleaser. We actually just had this conversation last night. No, is a complete sentence. I must remind myself of that as Carrie, like you said, your son wants you to go over there. No, and that's it. I don't have to tell you why. I don't have to explain it. We're so used to doing that. I would say, too, in the whole midst, don't forget to advocate for yourself as well. You're part of that whole equation.

Amy J. Brown  15:19 
That is a great point. Thank you for pointing that out. Sara. I think another misconception we have is that rest only means I'm sleeping eight hours. Wouldn't that be nice? Second of all, rest is more than just getting a good night's sleep. Carrie, what would you like to say about that one?

Carrie M Holt  15:37 
Yes, I was thinking about this. I think oftentimes, we think, especially if you have a church background (maybe some maybe our listeners don't). Rest is when someone doesn't do anything on Sunday. I think about in the Bible times, like, there are very, very specific rigid rules around Shabbat, but yet we see Jesus plucking the grains and healing people. I think in our modern culture, we have swung the other way where we don't rest at all. There's no rest on Sunday. I think what we need to find is that rhythm of rest and the rhythm of trusting that God is going to take care of things. I think sometimes we feel like if we're not doing all the things as you said, Amy, about giving our schedules to God. If we're not controlling everything, if we're not taking care of everything, somehow, it's just gonna slip out of our fingers, and then it is going to run haywire. There's that level of trust that if I establish this rhythm of rest, that God shows me because it looks different for all of us. If I establish this rhythm of rest, then God is going to take care of the things that need to take care of, and we can trust him. For me specifically, I talked about this a little bit, in my individual podcast, but the rhythm of rest that I am trying to establish, and honestly, it's been really hard, is doing the spiritual practices in the morning, and in the evening. I can honestly say that sometimes it's really hard because I don't feel like I deserve it. I feel like I have to do it a certain way. If I miss the morning, I can't do the evening, and I can't do the morning in the evening, because then that messes up the app.

Amy J. Brown  17:39 
I can see the perfectionist in Carrie here.

Carrie M Holt  17:43 
It's the perfectionist in us. But I really want to encourage you that I think the Lord wants us. First of all, He invites us into rest. Hebrews 4 talks about how we can enter into God's rest. Secondly, that we need to find out what the Lord wants us to do for our rhythm of rest. We can live in our souls from a place of trust, and love him, so when life gets crazy, we have resilience. I think that's been one thing that I'm learning is when we don't live from a rhythm of rest, we're not going to have the resilience to withstand the storms when they come.

Amy J. Brown  18:29 
So what would a rhythm of rest look like in a practical way? Like, I know, it's different for each person. What would you guys say to a listener? For example, I know that I'm very introverted. I need to have some shutdown times. I can't be on many messages, and I just have to have some shutdown, or I'm a crabby mess. I guess my question is... How do we know what a rhythm of rest is for us? What would you say?

Carrie M Holt  18:56 
One of the things that I have been doing is on Sunday afternoons, I have a specific type of planner. I look at my week, and I sit down and have a conversation with my husband, have a conversation with my kids about what we have going on that week, so everyone is kind of up to date, and they know what's going on. Then, I don't have a lot of questions back, right? I also write down categories. In the specific planner that I have, I'll write down, for instance, these are my tasks for errands. These are my tasks for groceries. These are my tasks for each specific child and my family, or other things I need to take care of. Then when I write those down at the top is kind of a brain dump. Then I kind of funnel those down into the individual days. This task would make sense this day this week to take care of maybe a trip to Costco. This task makes sense to do another day because I'm already going to run errands to do this. That helps me too. You practically have a rhythm of mental rest because I'm looking at my week. I'm trying to make a plan. I love Kendra Adachi, The Lazy Genius Way. It helps to give us just that rest when we have space when we make space. One of the things she suggests is that when you're planning your meal, maybe Tuesday is always tacos, or it's always Mexican food, and Thursday always crockpot. That might seem a little redundant, but it's actually very restful because it's a rhythm.

Amy J. Brown  20:42  
That's good. I would say one thing that I have been doing is my phone is off for 24 hours on the weekend. I text all my kids that are out of the house and say if you need something, text Dad, which they never do. I guarantee you my phone was on, maybe texting me. There's something about that shutdown for me, because, as I said, my accelerator pedal gets stuck, and I'll just keep going. That is one small practice that I am trying to do. I don't do it 100% of the time, but I can tell a difference when I shut down for 24 hours.

Sara Clime  21:13  
Mine is more along the lines of that. I have to remove things from my schedule. I block off times. I will set something on my calendar. For these two hours, nothing will fall on those two hours. Short of an emergency, something my child is getting hurt, or an actual tornado warning coming through. It has to be something serious. It's not, I didn't get the groceries done last night, so this is really the only window that I have. That's not an emergency; that's just an inconvenience. That is my time, and it is a non-negotiable time. I put it on my calendar as a non-negotiable time. It is actually color-coded in red. I know it is locked off; stop, do not. I have notifications on it. It dings my watch, it dings my computer, and my phone that it is non-negotiable time; I know to stop what I'm doing. I also have time where this is my devotion time. I think I would like people to know, too, that you're not always going to feel it. If you want to build that intimacy time with God, you're not always going to feel it. It's not always going to be a natural thing. It's at least it's not for me, and it's something that is a practice for me. Sometimes it's very natural; I'm feeling it. I feel like God, and I have a vibe going on; we're getting it; we're seeing eye to eye. Then there are other times when I'm not feeling it whatsoever, but I built that rhythm. It's gonna be a long, 20 minutes, but I built that rhythm in. Like, Carrie said, you have to build that in there, so you have that habit to where you build it to where you can withstand the storm. I think, too, that's part of it. It's easier when the storms are not there when it's all fair weather; you're building those habits or building those rhythms for those harder times. I have to remove things. I think for the three of us as well, we've built certain things into our rhythms, just from the three of us, because we have to communicate so often. We communicate in this way for emergencies; we communicate this way when it's just something personal, so we know I don't have to get back to you right away. That is to give each other space as well to give us that margin of not having to communicate right away. I will also say it's there's nothing wrong with looking at who is in your life as well. Are there people that are life-giving in your life? If not, are there ways to negotiate some space around those people that might create a little bit more margin in your life? I'm not saying boot them out, you might not be able to do them. There could be some ways to minimize communication because there are some people that just want to communicate all the time, all day long. That doesn't mean that you have to answer it all the time. Sometimes it's just more or less changing your own habits for the next two hours. As Amy said, you turn off your phone, I do not have to respond to anybody for the next 24 hours. Maybe don't start with 24 hours, maybe just two hours. For the next two hours, I'm not responding to texts. I'm not responding to any communication. This is my time, and I think that's good, especially in this day and age when everybody expects something within the next 30 seconds. Those are good habits to form.

Carrie M Holt  24:51  
I think that can be so soul-nourishing because, let's face it, as special needs moms, our empathy and caregiving are already running on empty. We're so worn out, empathetically, that our tanks are really low. When something actually is important that needs to be cared about, we don't have the margin to care. I was reading a book recently, I can't remember what I was listening to or something, but it talked about how social media and all of that drains our empathy completely. We're already at that point, right? Let's admit it,  moms, we are already at that point. Everything that we can do, is to feed our soul and allow our soul to rest.  I'm preaching to the choir here because I am not good sometimes about shutting down m phone. I always have access to it. It's a practice, actually; I need to work on it. I know that we have caregiver fatigue and burnout, and the things we can cut out that are contributing to that, we need to cut out. As Sara said, setting healthy boundaries, I think, is really important. I also just want to say, there are seasons. We have seasons.  Right now, I am taking a season, where I am not actively serving inside my church. I'm a backup for things, but I am not actively serving. We have to remember that our service and our seasons are not just within the four walls of a church. It's taking a neighbor a meal. I think when we're, we have to live by the guidance of the Holy Spirit and ask the Lord, "how do you want me to spend this day?  How can I live in a rhythm of rest to where I'm relying on you?" Sometimes that's saying, yes, when God nudges us and says, "Please do this for this person." Then also saying no,

Amy J. Brown  27:05  
That's a good point. 

Sara Clime  27:07  
I just had every time you guys say rhythm. I just think of some awkward kid. I have absolutely no rhythm in my head.

Amy J. Brown  27:18  
That's your rhythm inside the car, that you're not driving.

Sara Clime  27:23  
As caregivers, that's our rhythm, we have no rhythm. It's just very awkward all the time.

Amy J. Brown  27:29  
Well, also, I want to move on. But I want to say this, we have to pay attention to who we are. Some things will make our souls light up. You may be a really extroverted person that the thought of 24 hours of not talking to anybody makes your skin crawl. We must pay attention to what makes our soul light up and what drains us and just start noticing that so we can put those things into our rhythm. We have just a couple more. And I think this goes right into this. Okay, guys, that sounds great. I don't have time to rest because it's lazy. I'll be a bad mom or whatever rest is not for me. We have a lot of rest is fill-in-the-blank false narratives around it. Sara, say words. 

Sara Clime  28:10  
I could torch Pinterest to the ground. With that being said, I love it. I love Pinterest. We all know that one mom, even another special needs mom, or even another mom with a child with disabilities is always put together. They always look great. Then there's me where I am lucky if I have the same shoe on. Hot mess Express Sara coming in for landing all the time. I feel like it's just a comparison game, I guess. I'm such a mess that I almost forgot your question. How's that? Does that answer your question?

Amy J. Brown  29:04  
I think what we're trying to say here is that we have a lot of false narratives around rest. We think it's crazy. We think we shouldn't do it. Good moms are always on Pinterest, getting all their stuff together. I think just acknowledging that there's a lie and what is underneath your reason to rest. If we examine that,

Sara Clime  29:26  
I think, too, I have to ask myself all the time, to what end? For instance, I remember when my son was in middle school. It was his first, middle school, PTA, and I signed up for PTA. I'll never forget it. I signed up for PTA, and I came in hot. I thought I am going to do baked goods. I forgot about it. So I swung by and got a few bags of chips. It was just a typical Sara thing. Somebody said, "Oh, chips!" In my head, she's saying, "You big loser. You were supposed to do something homemade, any loser could pick up chips." In my head, I thought, Well, I'm not ever doing this again, like, I had this whole dialogue in my head of what she thought about me. Then I thought, why do I care? Why do I care? It's these false narratives of what we believe we should be doing. It's all the shoulds that we come up with. That's not it. It's coming up with what I have built around the false narratives of who I think I should be. We've talked about it before, too; as so many people say, I just could never do what you could do, or I don't know how you do it. Sometimes I have to stop and ask, why am I doing it? I don't have to do that. Maybe sometimes it is. Yeah, I don't have to do that. Carrie, you were talking about earlier. You don't have to serve everything. You don't have to do all of it. Can I say something really politically incorrect? Anybody who's not a special needs mom, maybe tune out for a second? Maybe this is the I mean. If we're going to cash in on anything, maybe that's it. Maybe we say we don't have the bandwidth to do all of that. It's not a lie. We have too much on our plate. It goes back to "No" as a complete sentence. Do you want me to bring something to the PTA meeting, it's gonna be chips. You don't like it? I don't have to bring anything.

Carrie M Holt  31:34  
You don't have to explain yourself, right?

Sara Clime  31:37  
Chances are, in defense of the person who was talking to me, she probably didn't have a problem with the chips. It was probably a problem I had made up. I think, too, the false narrative goes both ways. I think sometimes it's the blame that we put on ourselves. It's that we have built up an expectation in our heads for ourselves, and we have then put that expectation on other people. We feel that they have that expectation of us as well. I think we need to chill out. We need to chill out for other people sometimes.

Amy J. Brown  32:08  
Well, I agree with you on that one. Our last one is...I think this is really common especially since I don't have a medically fragile child. I know that Carrie does. This would be really common, I think, for kids with medical issues that if I rest or let my guard down, something bad's gonna happen. That really speaks to fear and control. Carrie, what words do you have to say about that one?

Carrie M Holt  32:34  
Certainly, you feel like you have to control everything. For instance, a couple of months ago, I think I said something like, "But it's my responsibility to keep my child alive." Immediately, I just thought, wait did those words actually come out of my mouth? That's not the case. I think this is where our trust and rest in God have to come. The Bible doesn't say, obey God, more and more and more and obey God, obey God, obey God. Actually, the command is to love him - to love him with our heart, soul, and mind. I think when we do that, it develops our trust. Then we release the control and these fears of if I'm not doing all the things, if I'm not on the endless cycle, of taking care of all the things, then something bad's gonna happen. It's that release. There's so much freedom in release. It's like that Aesop's fable where the monkey has the hand in the jar, or whatever, and he's not going to let go of it. Then he gets hurt or whatever. I can't remember exactly what the fable is. There's so much freedom in release and trust.

Amy J. Brown  34:15  
I think it's unrealistic to think we can control everything. Each one of these myths is about rest. I mean, there's so many more, really comes down to that what you're saying, Carrie, is that we can't do it all. We're not supposed to do it all. It's really okay not to do it at all. We're called to rest and to trust God. I know that's hard when you're staring at a big old list of things you must do. I just want to invite our listeners to start noticing how they can rest. It's not going to be eight hours on a beach. It may be 10 minutes, not going into therapy. Sometimes I don't go into my house right away. I'll just sit in my garage for a few minutes. We've talked about that before. Start looking at the small steps to help you enter into rest, and then you will build that muscle and keep building it as we leave our schedules and our lives, and our children to God, and invite him into this process with us. I want to thank you guys for listening today. Carrie is going to end in prayer for us.

Carrie M Holt  35:22  
Dear Lord, I thank you for establishing the rhythm for rest when you rested, and you rested on the seventh day. We also need to find that rhythm of rest. Thank you for the invitation that you give us, and you promise that we can enter into rest in trusting you. Lord, I just ask that you'd be with our listeners, help them to notice those areas, show them where they need to release their grasp, where they need to slow down what they need to say no to, and maybe where they need to set up boundaries. Help them to ask themselves, what is the care that this is going to require if I say yes? Lord, I just pray that you'll help us to give our schedules, give our days and our children and our families, whatever they look like to you, resting that the outcome is in your hands. Even if we completely drop the ball, your redemption is always there and always present for us. In Jesus' name. Amen.