Take Heart

Therapy Part 2: Why Moms Don’t Go to Counseling

• Amy J Brown, Carrie Holt and Sara Clime • Season 3 • Episode 119

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In part two of this three-part series, Amy, Sara and Carrie share about the barriers to therapy and why special needs moms are reluctant to see counselors. There are legitimate reasons, such as cost, lack of knowledge and awareness, and a stigma associated with mental health. Working to break down these barriers, Amy, Sara, and Carrie give practical advice, so moms will pursue the help they need. 

Ep. 119; March 14, 2023

Key Moments:
[1:31] Therapy For Kids With Behavioral Issues
[3:23] Overcoming the Lie of Failure
[5:14] Biggest Barrier to Counseling Was Me!
[10:45] Trying DifferentTtherapists
[12:02] The Necessity of Taking Care of Your Mental Health As a Special Needs Parent

Resources:
The Allender Center
The Allender Center Podcast
The Place We Find Ourselves by Adam Young
Redeeming Heartache by Dan Allender & Cathay Loerzel

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Sara Clime  0:02  
Welcome to Take Heart, where our goal is to offer encouragement, give hope and insight, so you can flourish and your journey as a special needs mom. As we explore monthly themes, share inspiring stories and practical tips, our desire is free to feel connected and encouraged. 

Hi, this is Sara Clime, and I'm here with Carrie M. Holt and Amy J. Brown. Thank you for joining us. Today is week two of a special three-part series on therapy. Today's show is called Why Moms Don't Go To Counseling. Last week kicked off our three-part series. We talked about how counseling helps us. Next week, make sure to tune in for the third and final week of our series. We will be talking about our therapy expectations versus reality. First and foremost, we want to state that we are not experts in therapy, nor are we licensed therapists. We believe in and have our own experiences with therapy and counseling. The following podcast is advice only from our perspective as clients of therapy and counseling. 

Last week, we talked about the benefits to therapy, and unfortunately, there are many barriers to therapy. Let's just jump right in, shall we? If there's anything that came from COVID, we have found that there's a lot online that I think came from that that we can find to counterbalance those barriers. Before we get into that, in your personal experience, what has ha been your biggest, most profound barriers to therapy? If more than one that you have experienced, were they seasonal? Were they short or long-term? Share everything.

Amy J. Brown  1:53  
I won't share everything. I think I would say not initially. I didn't have a barrier because I needed to be there. But I think it's really common for parents of kids with behavioral issues; there's a huge shame factor going into therapy, whether the therapy is you're taking your child to a therapist. Probably because my kids have mental health issues, they were at a therapist earlier than maybe your guys' kids were at a therapist. You're heading into an office with a kid who has severe behavioral and mental health issues. Then you're trying to deal with your own feelings around it. For me, I just felt a lot of shame. They're gonna think I'm a bad mom. Surely most of this is my fault. In my experience in that arena, I would go in waiting for the other shoe to drop. To be honest, there are times when the therapist, I've heard other moms have kids like mine, where the therapist didn't get it. Also, kids with RAD can be really manipulative; it takes a while for the therapist to see through the behavior. For me, I think that was one. The other one is my own expectation that it's not that bad. Other people have it worse than me kind of a comparison thing. I should be able to handle this, which is not very wise, honestly. It hinders us from getting the help we need.

Carrie M Holt  3:23  
Mind kind of goes along with Amy's. Throughout most of my adult life, I felt when you go see a counselor, that's  the last resort because somehow you failed. It was a lie. It's a complete lie. It was one that I had believed for so long that because I'm going to go see a therapist, it was because my marriage has completely fallen apart. I'm failing at being a mom; I'm failing at parenting my children. It's this last resort. I think it was that interview with Amber that Amy did where she said the day of your diagnosis, you need to find a therapist. I really wish I would have heard that advice years ago because I think there are certain things that I would be in a better place with. It was combating the lie that I have failed. Yeah,

Amy J. Brown  4:29  
I wish we could normalize therapy by getting a physical and all the other normal things that we do. It's just part of what we do to be healthy and not like this big event.

Sara Clime  4:39  
Absolutely, I am not blaming my family whatsoever, but it wasn't normal. Growing up. There was no one in my family that went to therapy. It wasn't a common occurrence. This wasn't a common topic as it is now. Self-love, self-compassion, self-care, none of that was...you didn't hear that. My mom didn't say, "I'm gonna go for a day of self-care." That just wasn't it; it was; she took care of the family, and that was it. That wasn't taught to me, necessarily, but subconsciously, I learned that. Whenever it was time for me to go to therapy, and this was completely 100%, what I realized my biggest barrier was myself. I did not cry; I did not want to cry; I did not want to show emotion, I did not trust a lot; I put up walls. No one felt safe, even including my husband at that point. If I could keep everything copacetic, and everybody was happy, then I was happy. That wasn't martyrish. It was. I  didn't want to hear anything. It was more selfish than anything. I was tired, and I did not want any emotions. If everybody would just be quiet. It was very uncomfortable for me. I was my biggest obstacle at first. I had actually the therapist gave me scientific data on why it is good for the human body to cry. Now as these two can attest to, I am a hot mess, in a good way, because anything can make me cry. She gave me scientific data, and I'm like, Well, I guess I need to be happy; I will cry every single time. I have all of these decades to make up. Sometimes I think we are our biggest obstacle. Whenever I realized how beneficial it was for me, I wanted both of my sons to be in it. I wanted us to be in it individually because we started as couples. Then the money started adding up, and insurance does not cover it, right? Then I felt, well, it's more important for my sons to be in it. It's more important for them. That's where the money needs to go. Then I started backing off. 

Carrie M Holt  7:10  
I do think lack of resources is definitely a huge barrier, or you have to kind of pick and choose in your family who goes first. A lot of times, at least in my experience, the counselors that our insurance does pay for are not necessarily the ones that you want to see. I know one of the things that have really helped me, and I think it's just because of the roundabout way that I ended up doing story work first and then seeing a counselor, is two amazing resources that can cost no money, or very little money is Adam Young's podcast, The Place We Find Ourselves. He is a licensed counselor, and he works through. Even if you go back and start it day one and just look at the titles. He talks about your story of origin and why it's important to look at your wounds and all of those things. Some may apply to you. Some may not. And then Dr. Allender's Center for Psychology and Theology out in Seattle has story workshops. Actually, last April, I did a weekend-long story workshop. Those do cost a little bit of money, but if you go on their website, and we'll have a link in the show notes, they have several different kinds of online courses. There's one for marriage. There's one called Redeeming Heartache that is around a book that he co-wrote with an author named Cathy. They also have one for marriage. Adam Young also offers sessions,  weekend sessions with different people. His workshops are a little bit less expensive than even the Allender Center. Both of those podcasts have really helped me, and they're free.

Amy J. Brown  9:00  
Also, we can remember that some therapy groups have a sliding scale. They can look at your income and help you with that. I wanted to comment that Sara, you said that I didn't want to cry and want to feel the feelings. My therapist had told me that people come in and say, I'm afraid if I start feeling anger or grief, I just won't ever come out of it. Our body can only handle that strong emotion for like 40 seconds. I forget the exact amount. It was kind of encouraging to think, Oh, I'm not going to be swallowed up in this. I think that's a barrier people think of. I also want to say another barrier. I'm not pointing fingers at any particular church, but in general, the church is a barrier. I have so many moms talk to me about the church doesn't understand trauma. I think we need Jesus and therapy. I know that that is huge in the church, and it kind of makes me mad, I'll be honest, because I'm not saying that Christ can't redeem all. He does, and he can, but we need help along the way in the form of therapy.

Sara Clime  10:10  
Yeah. And I think any good minister, any good pastor, is going to be so overloaded with their flock anyway because people will be coming to them so much that they can't handle all of that anyway. I would encourage people; you don't have to stick with the first therapist that you go to. My husband and I went to two different therapists. We finally found one that we felt comfortable with. I went to several different therapists. It's really hard when you're in a mental space, thinking there's something wrong with you, then to say, I don't feel comfortable with that therapist, not to think that something's wrong with you. You're allowed to ask questions. There are different types of therapy, and they're not there to judge you. They're there to help uncover who you truly are, to get at the base of who you are, and to try to help you deal with those. If you don't feel comfortable. Trust that. I mean, that's all I would say is just trust that. It's okay to go to someone new. Give it a little time, right, but also trust your instincts. Right. Those are some barriers as well. 

Amy J. Brown  11:36  
I know moms will say we don't have time; we're busy special needs moms. Since COVID, you're right, Carrie; we can do stuff online. I sometimes see my therapist online. Also, I think it's called Better Help; they have online therapy. I think you can make it happen for an hour a month. You just have to look outside the box sometimes. Yeah.

Carrie M Holt  12:02  
The truth is we do make time for what is important and want what we make a priority. And you might be in a spot where it's just not a priority yet, but even seeing someone every other month or every six weeks. Because sometimes, you can't stay in that space all the time, of dealing with stories and dealing with trauma because it takes a lot of mental energy and emotional energy, and spiritual energy to dive into that sometimes. Sometimes it's good to have a little bit of time in between appointments and things like that. I think that's really good.

Sara Clime  12:43  
Again, we could go down a big rabbit trail with this one, but I think we hit on some of the big ones. I would also encourage anybody listening if there's something you think we didn't cover or that you would want to share with us, please reach out to us. we are always open to suggestions. I think that this is a really important topic. It's a topic that I could see that we would touch on again. This is just one that I think isn't talked about enough. If you want to, you can always reach out to us at takeheartspecialmoms@gmail.com We're here to talk to you at any time. Carrie, will you finish this out with prayer, please?

Carrie M Holt  13:26  
Yes. Dear Lord, I just asked that you be with us who are listening that whatever barriers that they might have, whether it's shame or lies that they're believing or cost or time or not enough help with their children that they cannot see someone that you will just remove those barriers. Lead them to the right counselor or therapist, or whoever they might need that can walk alongside them and help them to gain insight and strength. Allow them to remember this important part of caring for their souls, so they can continue to be caregivers for their children and families. In Jesus's name, amen.

Sara Clime  14:17  
There are links to anything we mentioned in this episode's show notes. All of our resources, including an entire written transcript of this episode, are available on our website at www.takeheart special moms.com