Take Heart

The Practice of Gratitude

• Amy J Brown, Carrie Holt and Sara Clime • Season 1 • Episode 16

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Join us today as Amy, Carrie, and Sara discuss how they work at the practice of gratitude through being still, reflective evaluation, and living small.

Date: November 24, 2020

Key Topics/Time Stamps:

  • 0:26:     Intro
  • 1:00:     The Gratitude Bucket
  • 3:28:     Lament the Hard
  • 6:45:     A Gracious Response
  • 7:27:     Be Still
  • 9:49:     A Practice
  • 13:24:  Live Small
  • 16:15:  Evaluate
  • 19:02:  His Plans
  • 20:49:  Daily Examine
  • 22:13:  Prayer of Blessing
  • 23:30:  Outro

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Amy (0:26)
Welcome to Take Heart, where our goal is to give you hope, offer insight and encouragement, so you can flourish in your journey as a Special Needs Mom. Each week Sara, Amy, and Carrie will explore a theme, share an inspiring story, a practical tip, and an encouraging blessing using their combined experience of over 30 years of parenting special needs children. Thank you for joining us today.

Amy (1:00) Welcome. I’m so glad you're here today. I'm Amy Brown, and I'm here with Carrie and Sara, and we are talking today about the practice of gratitude. I used the word practice very intentionally because that's what it is. I think sometimes people think it just comes naturally, but as we walk this journey as Special Needs Moms with a lot of things that are heavy, we need to learn to practice gratitude and do our best to do that. I'm going to start out today by giving you a bit of a word picture. I’m reading out of a book by Shannon Martin called “The Ministry of Ordinary Places.”This is what she writes, “When I was a kid growing up in the country, my dad taught me that the best way to carry something heavy is to carry something equally heavy in the other hand. From personal experience this applies to buckets of water, overstuffed suitcases, concrete blocks, grocery bags filled with large cans of SpaghettiOs, and dense emotions. Decades later, I remain a distracted and forgetful student of balance. You see gratitude and sorrow aren't, as I once believed, mutually exclusive. They actually pair quite well together, one in each hand. It can be easy to ebb into the dark seas of sadness staring too long at grief and disunity. The trick is to keep filling the other bucket. Sadness may be real, but there is so much more to the story.” I like that picture because first of all I like word pictures, but also if I'm being really honest, a lot of times my sorrow or heaviness bucket has yanked my arm out of socket because my gratitude bucket has hardly anything in it. I like the idea of how they go together. One thing I know to be true is that gratitude is essential to walking this journey as a Special Needs Mom. How do we carry that gratitude in one bucket and the hard things in the other? That's what we're going to talk about today. I'd like to start, first of all with you, Carrie. I want to talk to those moms out there who, maybe they're new to this. They just got a disappointing diagnosis. They just went to an ultrasound and got results they weren't expecting. What do you say to her? Obviously when she's first getting a diagnosis; that's not the actual time to be grateful. What would you say to her after those first few months when you got the diagnosis from your ultrasound with Toby? How did you start to walk forward in gratitude?

Carrie (3:28)  So I would say, and this is something, Amy, that I know you talk about a lot with your writing is: “Just take a breath.” because it is hard. Looking back at our journey, I know that I did not have gratefulness in the beginning, mostly because you are in shock. Then the grief comes of life not being what you expected. So, I think it's really important to take the time to grieve and feel those emotions. I talk a little bit about that in my episode of the podcast about lament and how important it is. I loved what you said from that book about how gratitude and sorrow are not mutually exclusive. That is very true. What I would say to that mom is take a deep breath and don't expect gratitude to come right away. It's not going to come right away. You have to work through your emotions. We’ve talked about that phrase you learn a “new normal”, which we don't always like, but you do have to take it one day, one step at a time. I would tell you, mom, if you're listening and you just have gotten a new diagnosis is that it's not time yet for gratitude. It's honestly time for sorrow and for grieving and taking time to just figure out what's what's going to come next. I remember being pregnant and walking into Babies ‘R Us, and a stranger would come up to me and they would ask me, “Oh when are you due?” and “As long as the baby is healthy.” I began to hate that phrase because my baby wasn't healthy, so what then? I even did not like the question of when are you due because I really didn't have a due date anymore. We had a date for surgery because I had to have a c-section, and then our son also had to have surgery the day he was born to close the open hole in his back. For a while, I didn't even see my baby, picture our son as a baby, as our son. It was a diagnosis. It was procedures. It was all of the things that come with diagnosis and the list of doctors and all the medical things that had to be done. I had so many level two ultrasounds because I was essentially treated as high risk after that. Finally one day, I had a 3D ultrasound, and I could see his face. He looked just like our other two kids, who were really young at the time. We basically had three kids, three and under, once Toby was born. I would also tell you, mom, to remember that your baby is your child, and that God has gifted you with an amazing gift. It's hard to see that now, but it will come. It will come. 

Amy (6:45) I would just like to add here, Carrie, You said people would come up to you and say, “Oh when are you due?” and how that was hard. It made me think that all three of us have talked about comments people have made to us. “Well at least you have two others healthy kids,” or “be grateful” because (fill in the blank). I wonder how we can talk a little bit about how we can be gracious in those comments, but I don’t want a mom to feel guilt over that. I don't, and I have. People have said, “Well at least blah blah blah blah blah,” and I'm like yeah, but still this is really hard. I don't know. I felt kind of bad that I wasn't grateful for a hard thing. So, if you guys have anything to say about that?

Sara (7:27) I think. You're talking about how to be gracious when people give you those comments. One of the things that I do. I love how you said at the very beginning it's the practice of gratitude. It is. It's how you retrain your heart. When somebody makes those ungracious comments, borderline idiotic, if I dare say that. Sometimes you just think, “Are you kidding?” I had somebody, for instance, once tell me that at least I had another son to carry on my husband's name. All of a sudden, I thought, is it the 1800’s?  Do I have the whole air and a spare kind of thing. Well, at least I have another one. I know what they're trying to do, but I think in those moments, even if you don't experience the gratitude, or even if you don't experience that self strength, know that it's there. Know that you will get through it. You might not see it right now. You might not even have a clue as to how you're going to do it. I always tell myself, and I know that this is not what the Lord intended by this Bible verse, and I’m going to state this up front. Psalm 46:10 says, “Be still and know that I am God.” For me, I use that whenever I try to get so worked up that I try to fix everything. I also use that when somebody says something less than gracious. I need to be still and just know that He's God, and He will take care of everything. It’s a practice. It is, and I think that's just a brilliant word around that. You have to constantly practice that, and like with anything that you practice you’re not going to be perfect at it. The best way to excel at gratitude is to make those mistakes. It's the mistakes that you make when you're less than gracious, or when you roll your eyes, or when you let God know that you're angry. It's those and I wouldn’t even say mistakes, but those are the less-than-stellar moments that you might think that you have. Those are what's going to really shape your thinking and that practice around gratitude. 

Amy (9:49)  When you said, “Be still.” This is silly, but I have boys and they all love Marvel and super powers. What would be your superpower? Mine is easy, I would have a mute button. Wouldn’t that be great in those situations? I’m just going to mute you. That’s my superpower if I ever get a choice. I get that, that is just part of being a special needs mom, you’re going to get those comments. Let’s get back to the practice of gratitude. Thanks, Carrie for sharing that. I want to also talk to the mom who's been doing it for a long time now and the daily grind of it is hard. You think to yourself, I just can't. I can't be thankful for this, and I don't think we need to be thankful for everything. I'm not thankful for fetal alcohol syndrome and reactive attachment disorder, but it's what we do with it. All three of us are in this space, but there’s a lot of our listeners that are too. We've been doing this a long time and the daily work of it, and worry of it, and the never “endingingness” of it, what do you say to that mom? Sara, what would you say to that one who has to keep going? How does she practice gratitude in that? 

Sara (11:01) I would say with that, I go back to “be still.” Like Carrie said, part of your writing, Amy, is just breathe. In my podcast, I talked about how darkness is not the absence of light, it's the obstruction of it. The same thing, I think, can be said for gratitude. It’s not that there’s nothing out there to be grateful for, it might be obstructed at the moment by the medicine, the finances, the marriage issues, or whatever that comes along with the daily grind. For us, I know that today might very well be the easiest it's going to get and tomorrow I know may be more difficult. With TJ, it is a debilitating disease, and we never know from one moment to the next. I look back and think when was the last time he was able to stand up on his own? I don't remember that. You don't know when that last time is going to be, you just know that each day is going to be probably a little bit more difficult. I think in those moments is when I really practice what I'm grateful for. I write down my three little wins every day that I've talked about, my three gratitudes. Some of the things I've done is I try to end every thought with a positive. Just to give you an example, as I was walking in to record this podcast, Uh! dog hair everywhere it's like the Sahara Desert! There are balls of dog hair that just float across the floor. Stupid dog hair! Then I think, I have a home, and I have a fur baby to love. I try to end that with whatever it is I'm grateful for. That doesn't mean that the floors aren't dirty. It just means that I recognize that I have the ability to clean them and that I own the floors, which is more important than that they're dirty. I know that's a horrible example, but that's just one of the mundane things everyday that I try to do.

Amy (13:24) Right. Right. That’s good. I was thinking when you were talking, years ago when my daughter was nine, she’s seventeen now and has reactive attachment disorder and fetal alcohol. I had become friends with a woman who is a fellow writer, and she had a teenage boy who had the same thing my daughter had. We connected and became friends, and I was in Portland so I met with her, which looking back I think,  she had a teenager with this, and she took time out of her day to come talk to me. But, I remember saying to her, “How am I going to do this life?” Because one of the hard things about kids with behavioral and hidden disabilities like this is you’re on high alert all the time because not only are they having harmful behaviors, but they can harm other people. You're out in the big world where they could be hurting other people or they're having negative behavior. I remember saying to her, “How am I going to do this?” And he said to me, “You have to live small.” I remember at the time thinking what does that mean because we’re a big family. There's eight of us. We have a larger-than-life family and how does the Brown family live small? Of course the first thing I wanted to do is get rid of a bunch of toys because I thought maybe it meant simplifying. Any time I can throw away stuff, I’m down with that. I actually had it written on a little rock, because I like rocks, in my bedroom. I question that a lot because what does that mean? I think it goes with gratitude that living small is noticing those things - the small things because the big things will overwhelm you. That's what you said, Sara, it's the little small moments that we have to be grateful for. Back to our situation, you have to be on high alert all the time. You can't ever let your guard down because of behavior, so that's exhausting. Today I actually took a little walk before we started this, and I thought right now I'm not on high alert because I'm by myself, and I'm walking. I've not always been in that space. I know there are moms out there with young kids that aren’t in that space. There were little tiny things along the way that I had to live small and look. Look down at the ground at the small things that I can be grateful for. I think that's what she meant when she told me that. That's how I interpreted it. It's been really very helpful to me as I look at what seems like the never-ending high alert that is required of me as a parent of a child with reactive attachment disorder. I'd be interested to know as we try to get more practical, what other practical tips could you guys give, Carrie?

Carrie (16:15) So I've been thinking about this because I can tell you that gratitude has not always been an easy practice for me, a good discipline. I always tend to see the ways that I can improve or the ways things can be better. I'm a perfectionist. Just recently, I've been studying the book of Genesis and creation. I was struck just yesterday about how at the end of the week, God rested. At the end of each day, He took an evaluation of His creation, and He said it was good. It is good. I thought about that in our daily and our weekly practice. I thought about that in our weekly practices for just even my own family. At the end of the week, maybe it's on Sunday, and hopefully a more restful day, we look back over the week and think about what we set out to accomplish. Maybe what didn't get done, but some of those small joys. We take an evaluation. When you do that on a daily basis or weekly basis, you see all of the things that you have to be grateful for. It’s amazing when you stop to think about even just all you accomplish in one day. When our kids were toddlers that our kids were still alive at the end of the day - that was something to be grateful for. But you made meals! You did laundry. You took your child to the doctor. You were able to quiet a tantrum in the store before it escalated. I was able to take care of my child today and teach him how to do addition, or whatever it is. I think sometimes that we feel like we have to do these large amazing things, yet when we look at our day, we need to appreciate all the small things we’ve accomplished. I'm learning this to try to take a weekly time to evaluate: what did we accomplish this week? How did God work? How did He show up? What do we have to be grateful for that happened this week in our lives? 

Amy (18:54) Thank you, what about you Sara? Do you have anything to add to that?

Sara (19:02) One of the things that I try to do is. I think we are all saying, “we try to do.”  I just want to put that disclaimer out there. Key word is “try to do this on a regular basis.” One of the things that helps me, and this really goes along with what Carrie was saying, is that I try to remind myself that my plans are not His. I planned my day where I was going to get up, put makeup on, go for a lovely walk with my husband, really connect with him, take care of my clients, and do all these lovely things and then be mother of the year. All I managed to do was watch the lovely dog hair float around on the hardwood. That's the plan. Maybe that was the plan. The makeup wasn't the plan, the dog hair was the plan and that's okay. I love the weekly reflection to step back and to think about what you did right. Sometimes even those things that you did right are going to seem like mistakes to you, but those were the learning moments. That's where I try to lean into. Did I absolutely have a meltdown on the phone with the insurance agent? Probably. Was it necessary? No, but it was necessary for me in that moment. What am I going to learn from that the next time I get on the phone with the insurance company? That’s a growth moment and sometimes it's not the mistakes, it's just a growth moment. That’s what I keep telling myself. That it's a growth moment and that ultimately whatever happened today was part of the plan. It wasn't my plan, but there are bigger plans than mine, and I can take comfort in that. 

Amy (20:49) That’s good. I was thinking about when Carrie was saying about the weekly, Saint Ignatius has something called The Daily Examen. You’re supposed to do this every night, go through the examine, or in the morning the next day. One of them is think through your day and see where you felt God with you. In some ways that's freeing because you don’t have to have a big answer like oh this was healed or this total thing happened that was great. He was with me when the sun was on my face this morning on the walk. He's with us right now in this conversation. When you start thinking of it like that, it's just one long continuous presence and that’s so encouraging. The other thing I just want to point out is all of us have said this: “we try.” I want to encourage you listeners, when you see our picture on the Take Heart logo, we all have makeup on. If you could see us now, we are all works in progress. None of us have makeup on. We all have our hair pulled back. We are all works in progress, we don't have this all figured out. We have struggles in our marriages, with other kids, so just please hear that. We are practicing this gratitude with you. This is a journey we're on, and that's our heart that you know that. We are on a journey together. So thank you so much for listening today, and Carrie is going to close us in prayer. 

Carrie (22:13) Dear Father, I want to thank you for the reminder that we have You to help us. That we can take comfort in Your plan every day, and that we can be still and know that You are God in the mistakes, in the hard, in the good and the bad. Thank you, Father, for teaching us how to practice gratitude and for the relief that we don't have to do it perfectly, but we can just take the next right step and the next right step. Lord, thank You that Your mercies are new every morning, and like You say in Lamentations that Your steadfast love never ceases, that Your mercies are new every morning, that they rain down on us and that Your faithfulness is great. Thank you for being our portion and that we can hope in You. Thank you that You are good to those who wait on you and for those who seek you. Father, I just pray for each of our listeners that they will learn to take one step of gratitude today. In Your name. amen 

Amy (23:30) Thanks, Carrie. Thanks for joining us this week on Take Heart. Our prayer each week is for your heart to be encouraged. We are grateful that you are walking on this journey with us. Be sure to subscribe to our podcast on iTunes or wherever you listen to your podcasts, so you'll never miss a show. You can follow us on Instagram @Takeheartspecialmoms. If you have any questions or comments, you can follow the links in the show notes. We also have a transcript available if you would like to read what we’ve said. Please reach out, we would love to hear your story. Thanks for listening, and we will see you again next Tuesday.