Take Heart

How to Make Meaningful Connections As Special Needs Moms

• Amy J Brown, Carrie Holt and Sara Clime • Season 1 • Episode 27

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What real or perceived obstacles do you need to overcome to connect with others as a special needs mom? Today, Sara Clime encourages us to list these on paper, find creative ways to overcome these barriers, and most importantly reminds us to be vulnerable. In vulnerability we find connection.

February 16, 2021

Timestamps & Key Topics:

  • 0:21-     Intro
  • 1:41-     Valid Feelings
  • 3:21-     Overcoming Obstacles
  • 6:58-     Vulnerability
  • 8:53-     Iron Sharpens Iron
  • 13:26-  Prayer
  • 14:27-  Outro

Episode Links & Resources

  • Scriptures mentioned: Proverbs 27:17

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Welcome to Take Heart, where our goal is to give you hope, offer insight and encouragement, so you can flourish in your journey as a Special Needs Mom. Each week Amy, Carrie, and Sara will explore a theme, share an inspiring story, practical tip, and an encouraging blessing using our combined experience of over thirty years of parenting children with special needs. Make sure to listen through the end of this podcast as we will share a free exercise for special needs moms geared to help you with gratitude, hope, and peace on this special journey. Thank you for joining us today.

Hi this is Sara, and thanks for joining us today on Take Heart. This month we are talking about connection. I think almost everyone, even introverts at heart like me, agree that human connection is vital to our well-being. Connection looks different for each person though. There are many different types of connection also: connecting with your spouse, your children, family, colleagues, our friends. During this episode, I’m going to be talking about connecting with others in a friendly way. I do believe that that will help with all connections you make. Really don't we all want to connect with everyone in a kind and friendly way? 

One thing I think we can all agree on is that connection is often difficult to come by for special needs moms.  We tend to be isolated more often than not due to a seemingly endless list of reasons. Some of which are: time, medical and financial constraints. So, the million-dollar question is: how do we build meaningful connections when our lives are now so atypical? It seems that we have a top priority task every time we turn around. Who has time to make friends? Who has time to sit down with a friend over a cup of coffee? Maybe you're feeling that your “typical” friends just don't get your life and being around them actually makes you feel even lonelier. When your friends are worried about how they're going to get all of their kids to all of the sports and activities they’re a part of, you may be wishing for those problems instead of how you're going to get your child with special needs to all of the doctor’s and therapy visits. Maybe you're worried about whether your child will behave appropriately in class, let alone an extracurricular activity. Whatever your worry is and no matter how justified your friends’ concerns are, these conversations can leave you feeling hurt and lonelier than before. I want to take a moment to pause here and let you know that your feelings are justified. They're valid. They’re okay. They are legitimate. You aren't a bad friend for thinking them. The truth is that your life is your reality now, and for most of us our atypical special children are a lifelong commitment. They are your lifelong reality. It's forever, and it can be frightening and overwhelming. So with all of these feelings how, as special needs moms, do we connect with others? 

I would start by saying we need to figure out the reasons we aren't connecting and determine if they are real or perceived obstacles. If you’ve listened to any of my podcasts or know me at all, be it in real life or through my writing or this podcast, I am a total list maker. Everything in life can be made easier through a written list. Get out a piece of paper and start writing a list of why you're having a hard time connecting with others, making friends, or just being around other humans that aren't those you were in charge of keeping alive. Don't judge yourself, either as you make the list. Just write. Be honest with yourself. Tell yourself you're going to shred it afterwards. Nobody else needs to see it, but get these feelings and these thoughts down on paper. I did this, and I had to allow all of what I perceived to be my “crazy” to come out. So now that you have your list, go one by one and ask yourself these three questions:

  1. Is it a real issue or is it perceived? If they are perceived obstacles, simply cross them off the list.
  2. So, the reason is real, but can it be overcome? 

Here is where thinking outside the box is needed. In a best case scenario and we met the friend of our dreams, would she accept this reality and find ways to be with me anyway? My co host, Amy Brown calls these limiting beliefs in her episode on connection, which is episode 25. As an example, maybe you put down finances. Yes, finances may be a real concern, but it is an absolute deal-breaker for making connections? Let's say you want to attend a women's group Bible study, but you can't afford the material with your tight budget. That's legit. That's a legit concern. Maybe, though, it can be overcome by contacting the church or the Bible study leader and asking them if there are any extra copies, or does the church provide scholarships? Maybe someone else is in the same situation, and you could split the cost of the materials. I have personally led Bible studies before. Let me tell you that someone is always willing to help pick up the cost for someone in need, if not the church than an individual or group of individuals. 

Another example is that your group of friends are planning a girls’ weekend or a girls’ night out. They all have babysitters, and they are all going out to dinner and a movie. One, finances won't allow that outing. Again that's a legitimate concern. Two, typical babysitters just aren’t in the cards for you. Is this a limiting belief, as Amy calls it? Is this something you can overcome? I say, “yes,” but it may not be in the way that you desire at this moment in your life. I would love to say that you should just spend the money because honestly you do deserve it, but maybe the money just isn't there. The reality of our situation is that these types of outings may be rare for us, if possible at all. I believe our limiting belief in this instance is that we just can't go out with friends. We can go out with friends, it’s just going to look and feel a little different. It may be that a friend comes over to your house if your child goes to sleep, and you sit on the porch with a cup of coffee or a glass of wine. Maybe you chat quietly in the living room over water. Know the pain of missing the girls’ weekend is real, but don't let that pain keep you from making or nurturing other beautiful friendships.  

3. Be vulnerable.

Now that you have removed the perceived reasons that you aren’t connecting with others. You have acknowledged, honestly, those limiting beliefs, and you’ve thought outside of the box, it’s time to put yourself out there. This is the biggie, this is the scary one, at least for me. I'm going to assume that it's going to be the biggie for most of us. Be vulnerable. Try new things. Go to new places. Join new Bible studies either in person or online. I'm in an online book study right now, and it was free. I bought the book used for $4.99, and it's about special needs moms and families. I've also made a point to send emails to a couple of the guest speakers. Those are connections. We all want that perfect friend to knock on our door, send us a text, even when we don't know that we needed it, or invite us to hang out. Here's what I think we need to keep in mind, though, they are human too! They are vulnerable and maybe they’re afraid of putting themselves out there. Maybe you need to make the first move. Don't take it personally if an old or new connection doesn't work out. We're all growing and adapting. We all have our current season of life. Some people are made for each other. Some are made for each other for that season. 
Some were never made for each other. That's all okay. It doesn't mean that you or the other person are broken or not worthy of getting to know. Guys real and good friendships take work. Just as you want to feel loved and wanted, so does that other person. Love on them and be vulnerable with them, as you would want them to love and be vulnerable with you. So that's it. 

1. Is it a real issue or is it perceived?

2. If it’s real, can it be overcome?

3. Be vulnerable.

Now none of what I’ve talked about is a hard-and-fast rule to connection. I don't have it all figured out. I can be a great friend, and I can be a poor one at times too. We're all human.  Nothing is a one-size-fits-all or a hundred percent guarantee that it works out for everyone or in all situations. Being a special needs mom can be isolating and lonely. Know this, in that space of loneliness, you are never alone. We are all in this together. We all have been there, and honestly we are still there more times than we care to be. When we first decided to talk about connection, I immediately thought of Proverbs 27:17 which says, “Iron sharpens iron and one man sharpens another.” At that time when the scripture was used, the only way to sharpen a tool or sharpen iron was to rub it against other iron. When they would rub together at the right angle, both pieces would change. In the same way, when we engage or connect with other Christian women, and we are put together in just the right way, we both change. We both become sharper and more focused on what we were intended to do or intended to be. The facts are once you become a special needs mom, your friendships will change, and that is hard. It has been my experience that it has primarily been for the better. Sure I can't do things with some friends, and that stinks. I won't pretend that it doesn't. If they are good people and good friends, I make it a point to find ways to connect to them in different ways. My new special life has afforded me the space to find new friends, friends I would have never met or connected with otherwise. I have friends that sharpen me, and I pray I sharpen them as well. I have friends that understand and accept if I'm not able to meet up or chat for weeks, if not months at a time. I have one friend that never makes me feel guilty or ashamed. She simply tells me she's bringing me something. She doesn't ask. She says, “It's my blessing to be able to do something for you.” That and texts are sometimes our only connection for long periods of time. I am more appreciative of the moments I do get to go out and do something now. I feel I don't take them for granted as I used to. I am intentional with my time. I have learned to say no to things that need saying no to. I've had people push back on that,  but I know what I need sharpened, and I pick other iron stronger than I to help sure up my faith. I have learned to be the iron sharpens, as well, just as I need sharpened, so do others around me. Being intentional with my time and appreciative of the moment I have to connect with others has brought out an inner strength I didn't realize I have. I'm able to help others even in simple ways like listening to their problems, just listening, offering a smile to someone who needs a genuine and warm smile. Friend, don't underestimate how strong and vital you are. Be looking for ways to offer that strength to others that need sharpening or maybe just a place to rest their hearts for a bit. Sometimes just being in your presence is going to be the best gift you can give somebody. Don't underestimate that. This special life has allowed God to weed my “friend” flower garden. In all honesty, I had friends that bailed when we received a diagnosis. I don't know their hearts, and I don't know why, but I do feel that I was abandoned. Don't get me wrong. It hurt at the time, and it still hurts today, but I am now grateful for all of that. They aren't suffocating the friends that need to be firmly planted in my garden. 

I believe the most important thing that could have happened is that I now have time to spend connecting with God. He is the ultimate connection. He is the ultimate source of strength and focus. He can sharpen us into the exact tool needed for his kingdom and his glory, only he can do that. Ask God for connection with others. Ask him to provide opportunities to befriend other women of faith. Pray that he opens doors for you to not only be sharpened, but to sharpen others. Yes he cares about you having friends. It is vitally important to him. He is a relational God. Ask him, and he will provide. Don't forget to be looking for those open doors though, they just might be where and when you least expect them. I would love to pray for you.

Lord, thank you for each one of these women of iron. Thank you for their strength and their resilience in the midst of difficult circumstances. Lord, I ask that anyone feeling lonely right now realize that their loneliness and isolation are not a direct reflection of their worth. Help them to use the season of solitude to strengthen a relationship with you and with other brothers and sisters in Christ. My prayer is that each person feel seen and heard. I know that is your desire as well. Lord, I ask that doors are open for each of us to make strong and faith filled connections. I pray that our eyes and hearts are open to the opportunities only you can provide. I pray that we are brave enough to be vulnerable. I pray that we are courageous enough to put ourselves out there in ways needed to make true lasting and meaningful connections. I ask all these things and your precious son's name. Amen. 

Thanks for joining us this week on Take Heart. Our prayer each week is for your heart to be encouraged. We are grateful you are walking on this journey with us. As I mentioned at the beginning of the podcast, we have a new free resource you can download straight from our website @takeheartspecial moms.com. Do you struggle with finding peace, hope or gratefulness while traveling the hard places of this special needs mom journey? If so, go to our website, again that’s www.takeheartspecialmoms.com, and click on the banner at the top. There are three exercises with journal pages geared for special needs moms. We hope it is a helpful tool for you. We’d also love to hear your feedback. Be sure to subscribe to a podcast on iTunes or wherever you listen to podcasts, so you'll never miss a show. You can join our community with signing up for our weekly newsletter on our website. You can also follow us on Instagram @Takeheartspecialmom. If you have any questions or comments, follow the links in our show notes. We also have a full transcript as well. Thanks for listening. We will see you next Tuesday when all three of us are together to wrap up this month on connections.