Take Heart

Embracing Special Needs Motherhood: Interview With Jenn Soehnlin

• Amy J Brown, Carrie Holt and Sara Clime • Season 1 • Episode 45

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As a mother to two kids with special needs, today’s guest, Jenn Soehnlin, struggled with anxiety and depression. While she questioned God, He gave her the word “embrace”. She invites us to embrace our journeys as special needs moms, surrender control, and see the beauty in this life.

June 22, 2021; Ep. 45

Timestamps & Key Topics:

  • 0:22-    Intro
  • 1:54-    About Jenn Soehnlin
  • 5:10-    Embrace & Surrender
  • 8:07-    Focus on the Heart
  • 10:49-  Created For
  • 12:40-  Connection
  • 17:42-  It’s a Marathon
  • 20:40-  Jenn’s Resources
  • 23:33-  Outro

Episode Links & Resources:

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Amy J. Brown  0:22 
Welcome to Take Heart, where our goal is to give you hope, offer insight and encouragement, so you can flourish in your journey as a special needs mom. Each week Sara, Amy and Carrie will explore a theme, share an inspiring story, practical tips and encouragement you can use every day. Thank you for joining us today.

Today on the show we have Jenn Soehnlin. Jenn is a mother of two boys who are precious blessings, and both have special needs. Her heart is to share encouragement and God's truth with moms who are also traveling the special needs parenting journey. She is the author of the book Embracing This Special Life: Learning to Flourish as a Mother of a Child with Special Needs. Jenn blogs about faith, praying scripture and special needs parenting at www.embracing.life. For online encouragement and support for special needs mothers, you can check out her Facebook group: Embracing this Special Life. Welcome, Jennifer, we're so glad to have you here on Take Heart. I'm excited about this conversation. Would you like to give us a little bit of information about yourself, your special needs journey, and your family, so our listeners can get to know you?

Jenn Soehnlin  1:54  
Sure, first of all, thank you so much for having me. My name is Jenn, and I live in Virginia, and I have two boys. When my oldest son was born, he was diagnosed with a hearing loss. Over time, we realized he had several delays in different areas, so we started seeking specialists and therapies and whatnot. He was about two and a half when we got a bunch of his diagnoses, which was like apraxia, which affected his speech, sensory processing disorder, basically lots of different processing disorders. It was around that time that I had my second son, who also began to get a few diagnoses of his own. Then when he was around the age of two, he was diagnosed with autism. So I had two young kids, who both had all these diagnoses, and my life just revolved around all their therapies. I just struggled a lot with anxiety and depression and questioning God, what God was doing, what he was doing in my life. Why my kids? Why me? That's kind of where we started. Then one day I had a panic attack. I was just so desperate for God to show up in my life, and I begged him to show up. He whispered one word to me, and it was embrace. I was like, well, what is there to embrace here? Everything here is really hard. He kept showing me thing after thing that I needed to embrace. I was resisting so much stuff going on. I needed to embrace God and His plan for me, and I needed to embrace my kids not just focus on our diagnoses and things like that.

Amy J. Brown  3:55  
Yeah. It's easy initially, I mean you had a two year old and a baby, and then you're getting all the diagnoses. Then it's easy to embrace that diagnosis first, because you just want to figure it out. Jenn has a book. It's called Embracing This Special Life, and it's a wonderful book. She talks a lot about this releasing and embracing, and she's very honest about what she struggles with, which I love. I think that sometimes we hide our hard. When you said that God came to you and you decided He spoke the word embrace. How did your faith grow as a result of that embracing? There is a section in your book, which you talk about asking God why? Then God asked you to say not why but what do you want? You can word it better than me, but the what questions not the why questions. I would love to hear you talk about that a little bit because I think that's a big struggle in the Christian world that we think about. Why God? Why did you let this happen? This is too hard. I'd like to hear how your faith has grown in the midst of embracing and releasing the heart and embracing what God wants you to embrace.

Jenn Soehnlin  5:12  
One of the things that I've learned a lot is about surrender, learning to let go of my own dreams, plans and expectations and just surrender to God's plan for my family and for my kids. One of the ways that I learned to do that was like you mentioned, changing my questions. It's okay to ask God questions, but I was demanding God. Why? Why me? Why my kids? Why aren't you healing them? That was very demanding, instead of surrendering. I learned to ask him, okay, God, what do you want me to learn from this? I learned that he answers those questions. He has lots of things to teach us. He was answering those questions. He opened my eyes to a lot of things that he wanted me to learn for me personally, and then for dealing with my family and growing in my faith. One of the things that really struck me one time was when it was Christmas time. I was reading the story of Mary, Jesus's mother. It hit me all anew, how Mary had all these dreams and expectations of what her life would look like. I know that it was getting married before having kids. The angel told her actually, it's gonna be different. You're gonna have a kid first. Mary didn't kick and scream and ask a million questions about it. She was just like, okay, I'm gonna surrender to this. She said, "I'm the Lord's servant, let it be done to me, as you said." I was so inspired by that. I wanted to learn to surrender to God's plan, like Mary did.

Amy J. Brown  6:56  
One of my co hosts, Carrie, often says she thinks she considers Mary a special needs mom, also because she had a special child. She had a child that was not what she expected. I love that. It's so hard not to say why. For our listeners, you are going to have moments when you say why, that's okay. But we can't stay there. I love how you say that. You learned a lot from asking what. God does answer those prayers. Sometimes we don't ask them, I think, and I just love that. That is really good to hear, and I'm sure that's an encouragement to our listeners. So as a special needs parent, it's hard. We all know. We talk about that. What is the one thing that is helping you embrace your story? How are you embracing joy with your kids or with this life? You can answer that however you want.

Jenn Soehnlin  7:56  
One of the biggest lessons I had to learn was about, I mean, there's a lot.

Amy J. Brown  8:04  
Yes, we're continually learning them.

Jenn Soehnlin  8:06  
I was spending all the time on my kids' diagnosis and like, how can I help them? How do I do this therapy and this supplement? I was so focused on their development and those checklists that you fill out for all those doctor's appointments. I had become so consumed with that. Then one day, I was convicted of that verse in I Samuel, where God told Samuel, "Man looks at the outward appearance, but God looks at the heart." I was just like, wow, I've been missing my kids; heart because I'm so focused on their development, and their behaviors, and their diagnoses. Then I decided to get more intentional about just loving my children for who they were and really investing in their passions and their gifts. We are called to steward those things too. When I started doing that, just being really intentional with, okay we will build with Legos, and I'm not going to focus on speech therapy goals with you. While we're doing that, we're just going to have fun. I got to experience the joy of motherhood again, and being proud of my children for who they were and how hard they work to do things that come naturally to other kids. It made me proud to be their mom. I found joy in parenting them and stewarding them.

Amy J. Brown  9:29  
I think sometimes, and I'm sure you could speak to this, that when you have a child and they're delayed because of their special needs, it's hard not to compare them to kids that aren't. You see other kids that are doing something your child can't do and that takes a lot of emotional energy. There's jealousy. There's guilt that I need to work harder. What you said there is not that you're not working on something, it's not like you chuck speech therapy, right? But, that you made that not your main focus. Sometimes for special needs moms, we hold so much of it in our hands. It's all up to us. Even for me, I've been on this journey a long time. When I hear that a kid has done better than one of my children with mental illness, I immediately think, okay, what did I miss? What did I miss? I get kind of frantic. I love that change in focus, that I think helps us to, like you said, see their hearts. I just love that. Thank you for sharing that. That is so encouraging. There's just so much, so many. We could always be doing something new, right? We could always find something new to put into their life and therapy.

Jenn Soehnlin  10:45  
Can I add something about the comparison thing? 

Amy J. Brown  10:48  
Yes please do.

Jenn Soehnlin  10:49  
Comparison has always been a big struggle for me, and it still is from time to time. There was this one time where I was just really struggling with because we had left a play date, and I saw how far behind my kids were than the other kids. I was crying and decided to go for a walk around our neighborhood. We were out for this walk, and then I saw a flower that was growing in a crack, in the ground, in the sidewalk. At first I was really sad for that flower. It's all by itself. There's a garden two feet away, a beautiful garden. It should be over there. I started viewing my kids like that flower, and how I was missing out on being in that garden. Then all of a sudden, my perspective switched. This flower is doing exactly what it was created to do. It was created to grow and bloom, and that's what it was doing even in hard situations. It's still showing off its colors to the world. In a way it's even more beautiful because it's unique, and it's in a place that doesn't have color. That just shifted everything for me as well. Now, I still struggle with comparison, but when I do, I start remembering my kids are...They're blooming in their own way. It's beautiful. It's in a different timeline than other kids, but it doesn't make it less beautiful.

Amy J. Brown  12:15 
Right. I love that. That's great. Let's talk about connection because at Take Heart. It's important to us that special needs moms feel connected. There were a couple of things I'd like to ask you about. First of all, in friendships, you have a beautiful story in your book about praying for a specific friend. I would love for you to share that because it was so encouraging to me to read that.

Jenn Soehnlin  12:41  
We had just recently moved to a new state, so that's hard enough on its own. We were trying to find new therapists, and I had no friends. One day, I was like, okay, God, I really need you to provide me with a friend. It would be great if she was also a special needs mom. I kind of threw that in there, like a hope, but not very likely to happen. I found this moms group online and decided to go to one of their playdates. So, I show up at this moms group and I'm there. I'm praying: God, please let me make a friend here. Everyone was kind of off in their groups. I wasn't sure which group of moms to merge in with. I just started watching all of our kids playing. I noticed there was another kid who was playing very similarly to my kid. They had a lot of the same behavior and mannerisms. I was like, hmmm, I wonder if he may have some of these similar diagnoses as my son. Once I figured out which kid he belonged to, I went over and talked to the mom. I said, "This may sound weird, but does your kid have an apraxia diagnosis?" She looked at me like yes, we just got the diagnosis a few days ago. She said, "I was just praying that we would find someone who knew about this, because we don't know anything about this." God answered both of our prayers right then. We started our own little moms support group, the two of us. We would meet once a month and just chat about stuff. It was just nice to have someone who had that journey too. Yeah. Pray for it because it was hard to find, especially when you're in a new location. 

Amy J. Brown  14:36  
Right. First of all, I'm impressed you were new and you went because it's even hard just to go to the new thing. It's intimidating. How about other ways that you found connection? What about church? I know church can be kind of hard sometimes if they don't accommodate for the child or you just don't feel like you fit. How have you found connection at church? Have you? How have you tried to be a connector at church?

Jenn Soehnlin  15:10  
My family moves around a lot, so I have experienced having to go and find new churches a lot. It is hard because you're not always sure how your kids will be accepted, or if they will be. Now it's a lot easier. You can look on their website and see if they have information about it, or you can call ahead. Key Ministry has a website. If you go to the key ministry website, you can search for churches that have special needs ministry. We went to a few churches where our kids were not really accepted completely. It does hurt to see that because Jesus would welcome those kids. It's sad to see churches not do that. Then I had to learn that verse from from Matthew that was, "Shake the dust off your feet." That's not gonna work, let's go find another church. We always have been able to find a church where we felt like we were part of the family and our kids were included. The church I'm at now, there's three other special needs moms. We've kind of formed our own little group, and we meet once a month for fellowship. Sometimes it does take your own initiative to start those kinds of relationships. Other times, there's groups that are already out there, and you can find them online.

Amy J. Brown  16:32  
I think what you said there is important, though, that sometimes you have to take the initiative. Back up to the story about your friend that God answered that prayer. I'm pretty sure that you've not had that experience at every mom group that you've gone to. I think we just have to keep trying. I do believe that God gives us what we need, and he provides the people in our life. Some people aren't always going to get it. Also, they don't always have to be a special needs mom. If it's somebody who's willing to get it, that's another thing. It's the same with church. It may not work, or it may not be...I love that, "shake the dust off of your feet" kind of situation. It doesn't mean that all churches, you just need to quit forever. It just means we got to find the right space for us. So that's very encouraging. I want to ask you one of my favorite questions, because I always want to hear what people say. If you could go back and give yourself advice, at the beginning, I felt like I could write a book on what I would give myself advice for, but what would you say to yourself, knowing what you know now?

Jenn Soehnlin  17:42  
That's such a good question because there's so much I would want to tell myself. I think what I would tell myself is that you're in a marathon and not a sprint. That would have hurt. I don't think I would have wanted to hear it, to be honest with you. I was in this mindset of, oh, if we just try this therapy, or this supplement or the specialists will give us all the answers we need, and things will get better. I was putting so much pressure on myself, on my kids, and on my marriage, instead of just slowing down and and enjoying my kids for who they were and trusting God in the process and taking it one day at a time and just learning learning to flourish as a special needs mom instead of just survive and keep pushing. I think that's what I would tell myself is to slow down and give yourself grace. This is a long journey, but it doesn't mean it's a bad journey.

Amy J. Brown  18:42  
Right. I think I think you're so right. We get this diagnosis, which sometimes takes a long time. I know when we had our daughter's diagnosis, it was like seven pages of things you could try. I just thought I'm just gonna go one by one, and probably three and it's gonna work. So NOT the case, FYI. I love that. I think you're right. If you knew going in, oh, this is gonna be this long, you probably would. It goes back to that one day at a time, giving it to God each day. I love what you say about just embracing your children for who they are. If we're always looking for it to get better and get "whole", and I'm using that in air quotes. God created them and waiting for them to be all better isn't realistic sometimes. Then we just miss all the joy in the moment. Yeah. When we focus on that. So, I love that. 

Jenn Soehnlin  19:49  
Yeah, I think I was feeling like there's something missing or something broken about my kids and it was my job to put in those pieces or to fix them. That's such the wrong perspective to have because our children are fearfully and wonderfully made.

Amy J. Brown  20:05  
That's so true. I sometimes think that with the treatments, it's something you can actually, physically do and put on your calendar, and check off, and that makes us feel good, like we're doing something because it's hard. You said at the very beginning surrender. Surrender is hard. It is so hard. I think it's a lifelong journey to learn that, actually. I mentioned your book, which was wonderful. Like I said earlier, you were so vulnerable in it. I would like you to tell us a little bit about your book. I think you have a Facebook group.

Jenn Soehnlin  20:40  
Yes, My book basically just goes through all the different things I learned about embracing the special needs parenting journey: the chapter about embracing God, then embracing our children, embracing our husband, and embracing community. I had written all that stuff that God has been teaching me, but I felt like something was missing. It took me a while to realize that you can't just keep embracing all this stuff.  You also have to let go of things that we are not meant to hold on to. Then I began a whole journey of learning to surrender and release all these things God doesn't want us to hold on to such as: bitterness, unmet expectations, feeling angry at God. There's a time for grief, but we're not meant to get stuck in it. So, then I started writing all those things we need to release. Basically, the book goes back and forth, alternating between things to embrace and things to release in the special needs journey. So that's the book in a nutshell. Then I have a Facebook group with the same name Embracing This Special Life. If you're on Facebook, we love to have you come check it out. We just encourage each other, pray for each other, share resources. It's just so that you're not going this special needs parenting journey alone, or this faith journey alone.

Amy J. Brown  22:04  
Great. That sounds great. I don't want any mom to have to do this alone, honestly. I love that you have that group. I love that you have the book. We will definitely link your information in our show notes so our listeners can find you. Also, I think you're on Instagram. Am I right?

Jenn Soehnlin  22:23  
I am. Although, I'm on Facebook a lot more. I am on Instagram, and I'm on Facebook. Both of them you can find me @jenn (two 'n"s) @jennembracing life. I'm on Facebook and Instagram there. I also have a website, which is www.embracing.life NOT (.com), I know it's confusing. www.embracinglife.com was taken. There, I have all these resources as well for faith and special needs parenting.

Amy J. Brown  22:57  
Great. Well, Jenn, thank you so much for being our guest today. We appreciate you. You're such an encouragement to our listeners and to me, so thank you so much for sharing your heart today. 

Jenn Soehnlin  23:09  
Thank you so much for having me. This was fun.

Amy J. Brown  23:23  
Thank you for joining us this week on Take Heart. If you love our podcast, could you please do us a favor and leave us a review on whatever platform you listen to the podcast on. You can also follow us on Instagram or Facebook @takeheartspecialmoms. If you have any questions or comments or would like to share your story with us, please follow the links in our show notes. We love hearing from our listeners, and we'd love to hear your stories. Listen in next week as we continue our Take Heart Summer Interview series. You won't want to miss it.