Take Heart

Consider Everything a Blessing by Amy J. Brown

• Amy J Brown, Carrie Holt and Sara Clime • Season 2 • Episode 55

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Feelings of jealousy and comparison are common, especially in our lives as special needs moms. In this episode, Amy reminds us that jealousy never serves us well. She offers three practices to help us open our hands and see the life God has given us with gratitude and joy.

October 5, 2021; Ep. 55

Timestamps & Key Topics:

  • 0:18-Intro
  • 1:03-   The Green-eyed Monster
  • 3:57-    Cup Half Empty
  • 5:15-    Opening Our Hands
  • 6:05-    Look With Gratitude
  • 8:45-    Small Moment Living
  • 10:43-  Hidden Places
  • 14:10-  Outro

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(0:18) Welcome to Take Heart, where our goal is to offer encouragement, give hope and insight, so you can flourish in your journey as a special needs mom. As we explore our monthly themes, share inspiring stories and practical tips, our desire is to continue to serve you and our new listeners. You can help us by spreading the word. You can subscribe, leave a review, or share the podcast with others. Sara, Carrie, and I want to thank you for joining us today.

(1:03) Hey friends, this is Amy J. Brown, and this month we are talking about jealousy, the old green-eyed monster. When I was preparing for this episode, I wondered why jealousy is often referred to as a green-eyed monster, so I did some searching. It turns out that Shakespeare first used that phrase in the play, Othello. Now here's a little fact about me. I love Shakespeare, and the theory of why jealousy is associated with green is that green and yellowish is the color that you kind of have when you're sick or seriously ill. So it is a monster that makes us sick. Jealousy is a common experience, I have to admit I've been sick with it often. For example, let's talk about Christmas. It's supposed to be the most wonderful time of the year, Christmas carols, twinkle lights and holiday fun. One aspect of the season that I used to dread was getting Christmas cards. I love getting updates from friends and family, but often I would just get jealous when I would hear about their year-end review. As a special needs mom. I couldn't do the activities they could do. They did not have the difficulties we had. Sometimes, okay, a lot of times, I would get a bit snarky in my head and think, well, it must be nice to be able to...fill in the blank. It's not just the holidays. You can go on social media anytime, day or night and find a reason to be jealous. As special needs moms, we are always adapting. It's not just Christmas cards with happy families that can send us into a pity party. Wedding invitations, impromptu coffee dates, friends over, the neighborhood pool, party, Vacation Bible school. All of these are good things, events we want to be involved in. But the mental gymnastics and logistics we have to consider before we can take our child somewhere can be overwhelming. As special needs moms we always have to adapt, we can never just show up. Whether you need to be on high alert because your child may act out or steal at a party, which has been the case in my life on more than one occasion, or the place where you're invited to may not be wheelchair accessible, or maybe you have to bring all the food to the birthday party to avoid a food allergy reaction. As special needs moms we always have to be prepared. Maybe the jealousy runs a bit deeper. Maybe the invitations don't come, or you see the highlight reel of a wedding anniversary trip and you know you could never take that trip, or that your marriage is struggling. It's really hard not to envy others who can walk out the door without all these concerns. It's hard not to be jealous of others that seem to have an easier life when our life seems so challenging. It's easy to be jealous. 

(3:57) But can I tell you something? Jealousy has never served me in a positive way. Jealousy makes me look at my world and the cup I'm holding as half empty, or maybe completely empty. Comparison and jealousy isolate me, and they make me walk through life with clenched fists. Teddy Roosevelt said, "Comparison is the thief of joy," and those words are so true. Not only can the feelings of jealousy and comparison steal our joy, but they can quickly turn into bitterness. Then bitterness becomes resentfulness and anger, and that is not where we want to be friends. Let me say to you. These feelings are normal and understandable, but we have to resist letting jealousy steal our joy and make us bitter angry people. We cannot go through life with our fists clenched. When my hands are clenched, I feel tight and resentful and sorry for myself. It colors, everything and nothing I see looks good, literally nothing. You could say, Amy Brown, you just won a trip to Hawaii, and I would be well, that's nice, but I have to find a caregiver and do this and do that. When our fists are clenched, and our hearts are closed, life and light cannot come in.

(5:15) So what do we do? This is easier said than done, but I will tell you what we do. We open our hands to God. You may have to pry each finger open one at a time, but like buds opening up in the spring, we need to allow God to open up the places we refuse to see His provision, the places we fight growth and gratitude, the places where we only see lack and failure. When my hands are open, I kind of feel like I can breathe. I don't feel so cramped, and I can look at life with joy and gratitude, trusting our good God. I'm going to say right now, this is not an easy practice. It's a daily practice for me, sometimes an hourly practice, sometimes a minute by minute practice, but I will say this. Unclenching is essential to contentment. 

(6:04) So how? How can we do this? Well, I have a couple practices that I would like to share with you. Number one, is look with gratitude at the contents of your cup. One of my favorite scriptures is Psalm 16:5-6, "Lord, you alone are my portion and my cup. You make my lot secure. The boundary lines have fallen for me in pleasant places, surely I have a delightful inheritance." Let's go back to that, Lord, you alone are my portion and my cup. What's in your cup, and how can you be grateful for it? Let me be totally honest, there have been many times where I thought the contents in my cup were not great. There is so much rejection and negative behavior and loneliness that comes with parenting a child with reactive attachment disorder, fetal alcohol syndrome, and behavioral issues. To be honest, I don't really want to hold this cup sometimes. I'll stare intently at it, wanting it to change and frantically coming up with all kinds of plans to make my situation change. When I do that, I lose sight of the big picture. When we focus on just the facts, the things in our lives that are challenging, the restrictions that come from being a special needs mom, basically the contents of our cups, we forget the truest thing there is: that God is our portion and our cup, that God is faithful and trustworthy and good. Friends, at the end of my life, I want to be able to say I've lived it with love, and I glorified God with what with the life He has given me. You know what? The contents of my cup may look exactly the same, and that would be hard. But what truly matters is how I live my life. One way that I remind myself that God has given me this cup, that he's my portion, and that the things in my life are ways that I can glorify him is that I have a literal teacup on my dresser. It's a little tiny teacup, and it reminds me of this truth. When we focus on this truth, we can say yes to whatever we find in our cup, the painful and the lovely. We can be reminded that we can trust God to give us all we need. We can remember that his mercy and love never leaves and that He sees us. We can let go and thank him for his purpose for us because he will fulfill His purpose for us. So how can you be grateful for the cup God has given you? 

(8:45) Number two: notice the blessings in your own life instead of looking at others. I know it's so easy to look at others' lives. We've said this before on the podcast, but I'll say it again, when you're looking at Instagram, or Facebook, that's somebody's highlight reels. You have to remember that's not their real life either. So how do we notice the blessings in our own life? Well, we have to stop and look at what is in front of us. Find even the smallest blessing of the moment. When you stop and notice, your perspective changes. This is not the first time I've said this on the podcast, but I call this practice small moment living. This kind of living requires us to trust God for today, loving what is in the present moment and not worrying about tomorrow. It's walking slowly in the direction we're supposed to go. One little thing that helps me do this, when I allow comparison to steal my joy, is to stop and look around me. I mean, literally look around me and actually name the things I can see, hear and feel in the space I'm standing in. You name the things you see. You name the things you hear, the things you smell, the things you feel. Notice them. When I do this, I can't accept the present moment in gratitude. This stops me from craning my neck to see what others are doing. I think this is how we can live in harmony with hard situations, and it helps us accept the here and now. It's all about noticing. When I notice what is in front of me, I can thank God for it. I can breathe, and I can unclench those fists. What about you? What are you noticing right now? 

(10:34) The third thing is to look for God in the hidden places and always remember that he is good. In Luke 24:13-35 is the story of the road to Emmaus. The story is this, if you're not familiar. Two disciples are walking on the road after Jesus died, and they are engulfed in grief. Life didn't turn out at all like they expected. Jesus joins them on that hard road. He walks and talks with them, but in their grief and hurt, they don't recognize him. After spending an entire day with Jesus, they finally realize who they are talking to. In verse 30 and 31 says, "When he was at the table with them, he took bread, gave thanks, broke it, and began to give it to them. Then their eyes were opened and they recognized him." Their eyes were open to the light and the life of Christ. Special Needs Mamas, are we like those disciples on the road to Emmaus Do we not recognize God walking with us  because we are so caught up in our dashed hopes, our pain and what we wish our lives would be? Are we too busy looking at other's lives to see God walking with us? How can we open up and let God water the soil of our hearts with his loving grace? How can we remain open to joy and beauty in our special lives? Where can we see God walking with us? Maybe it's in a few moments of quiet you got this morning, or an encouraging text from a friend, or the laughter of your kids, or the gentleness of the nurse who cares for your child? So let's stop for a moment now, and let me ask you this question. As we think about moving from jealousy to contentment, what would it be like if we could consider everything a blessing? Now I'm not saying that's not difficult, and I'm not saying we need to be all Pollyanna about our lives because we have things in our lives that are difficult, and not all is good. But, God is always good. Could we say no matter what is happening right now God is good? Can we say I am satisfied even though everything is not fulfilled and that I lack nothing? Can we look at our life this way, even when they are hard, with hands open, not clenched? Barbara Brown Taylor says in her book "An Altar in the World", "Take the time to open your arms to what is, instead of waiting until it is what it should be." Friend, can we do that? I promise you he is walking with you. He sees you. Ask him for eyes to help you see and then stop and notice. Notice his love in your life. There's a quote by Thomas Merton that I love because it helps me remember that God has given me this cup and in this life I can unclench my fist. I can let go of jealousy and comparisons and let my hands open to find contentment. Here's the quote. "Here is the one thing God has willed for me. In this, His love is found. In giving of myself, I will find him."

(14:10) Thank you for joining us this week on Take Heart. Our prayer each week is for your heart to be encouraged. We are grateful you are walking on the journey with us. Be sure to subscribe to our monthly newsletter at www.takeheartspecialmoms.com, and follow us on Instagram or Facebook @takeheartspecialmoms. If you have any questions or comments, follow the links in our show notes. We love hearing from our listeners. Thanks for listening and next week Carrie will share about jealousy.