Take Heart

Seeing One Side of the Story with Sara Clime

October 19, 2021 • Amy J Brown, Carrie Holt and Sara Clime • Season 2 • Episode 57

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 Jealousy is seeing only one side of the story. It keeps us focused on what we don’t, rather than what and how God has provided. In her humorous way, Sara shares her story of jealousy, and five practical strategies for dealing with the feelings of envy, jealousy, resentment and bitterness.

October 19, 2021; Episode #57

Timestamps & Key Topics:

  • 0:21-    Intro
  • 1:05-    Hatchback of Emotions
  • 6:26-    One Side of the Story
  • 8:49-    Redirect
  • 9:38-    Finding Gratitude
  • 10:05-  Stay Mindful
  • 10:50-  Reach Out
  • 11:48-  Don’t Forget the Fruit
  • 14:05-  Prayer
  • 15:23-  Outro

Episode Links & Resources:

  • Scriptures Mentioned: Galatians 5:19-21 & 22-23; 

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Sara Clime  0:21  

Welcome to Take Heart, where our goal is to offer encouragement, hope and insight, so you can flourish in your journey as a special needs mom. As we explore monthly themes, share inspiring stories and practical tips, our desire is to continue to serve you and our new listeners. You can help us spread the words by subscribing, leaving a review, and sharing the podcast with others. Thank you for joining us today.

(1:05) Jealousy, oh, jealousy, envy, resentment, bitterness, the green-eyed monster, whatever way you slice it, whatever you want to call it, this emotion stinks. It is an emotion that is completely normal, but left unchecked will fester and infect so many other parts of your life. I say it's normal, but it's hard for me to admit whenever I feel it. One story that always comes to mind is when I was at a local department store buying clothes for my youngest son, the one with physical disabilities. His name is TJ. Because of TJ's medications, he is much shorter than his peers. Finding clothes that he likes, but that don't look like little boys' clothes is very difficult. Plus...well, shopping for clothes with a teenage boy? Enough said! After a grueling outing, I pushed my son back to the car. It was misting. I first went to put my son in the car, I picked him up, and he was a big kid. He wasn't a little little kid. So I had to do the whole sumo wrestler lift with your legs thing, so you don't throw out your back. It was not cute. I put him in the SUV. The back hatch no longer worked, so I had to open it and hold it propped open with my back all the while I'm picking up my son's chair, flipping it outside and shoving it into the car. I was in sweats. I'm not talking cute yoga pants or workout capris, ugly sweats! Anybody who knew me more than 10 years ago knows I do not leave the house in sweats. But I was tired, and I was mad because I just wanted to be able to buy my son some clothes. I was mad because Duchenne makes everything so dang hard. My hair is naturally curly, but not in a cute beach wavy look. When my hair gets wet, without me being able to style it, I resemble Medusa on drugs. So as I was rounding the car, I heard this familiar voice. I looked over a couple of rows, and I noticed a good friend of mine. I immediately ducked out of sight because I was a mess on the verge of two major meltdowns, my sons and my own. I watched this friend walk to her brand new expensive SUV. You all, I was hiding. I caught a glimpse of her between the vehicles. She was in this cute outfit and these fabulous boots. She was on the phone and she said, Yeah, I just picked up my new purse, and I'm on my way. I can't wait to see you in a couple of hours. The person on the other phone must have said something very exciting because my friend excitedly said as she was gracefully getting into her new SUV, "Whoo-hoo girls weekend!"  Her laugh and her conversation was cut off by the closing of the door. I just stood there in the rain, and I ended up getting in the car. I was repeating to myself. Don't cry, don't cry, don't cry. I didn't want my son to ask what was wrong. In retrospect, I had no idea, but I was determined to drive home dry-eyed. In that short drive I experienced more emotions than I thought possible over one spotting of an old friend. I was jealous. She had this beautiful new luxury SUV and mine is a hot mess. The door locks may or may not work and the hatchback is a deathtrap. It's a deathtrap, only I seem to be able to avert. She most likely had to hire a babysitter, but any old babysitter would do. She didn't have to worry about nursing care or teaching someone all the night-time med routines, all the emergency phone numbers. What I realized that yes, I was jealous, but a slew of other emotions were perpetuating that. Those emotions were the true basis of that near miss meltdown. Jealousy I have come to find is rarely about wanting what someone else has. It is about everything that we wish was our truth. It is about hoping our reality is and will be different or easier. On that ride home I really thought about why I was so upset. I knew I could have cared less about her vehicle. As long as mine runs, I'm cool with it. I didn't care about our new outfit or her fabulous boots. I really liked my sweats. They were ugly, but they were mine. So no, I wouldn't turn any of those things down. I would love some new boots, and I would love to look that cute. But that really wasn't what it was all about. It wasn't about looking cute or driving a nice vehicle. Those weren't the things I was truly upset about. Nope. I was angry. Why does she have it so easy? Why does she have it so good? Why is my life so dang hard? I was embarrassed. Yes, I was embarrassed over my current circumstances. Immediately following that embarrassment, came guilt. I felt guilty that embarrassment was a feeling I even had. I love my family. I am so grateful for everything that we have that God has provided for us. I was defeated. I had gained a ton of weight. Nothing seemed to come easy, even buying an article of clothing. Clothes shopping wasn't easy for me, nor for my son. I didn't even care what kind of clothing it was, just something,  something would do, anything that fits, anything that my son would want to wear, and would fit him. I would buy it. I was lonely. I had no friends that I felt that I could even call for a girls' weekend. And even if I could, our finances and current circumstances didn't seem to lend itself to me getting away for a weekend. If I was going to go anywhere, it should be with my family. Right? Well, I proceeded to have what was one of my most monumental pity parties in my own head. I'm not sure if it's just me or if you feel like this too, but having a pity party solo in the mess that is Sara's brain can be downright dangerous. 

(6:26) Later that evening, though, my family of four sat down and played board games that night. I'll never forget it. It was then that I realized that I was judging a situation I only had one side of the story to. I have no idea why that friend was leaving for the weekend. I had no idea what she was going through. Maybe she was hurting and needed her friends. Maybe she wasn't going through anything negative at all, and she really was just having a good girls' weekend. If her life was simply as carefree as it looked, who knows? But my jealousy over her seemingly easier or more picture perfect circumstances was exactly what the devil wanted. We all know that social media is basically everyone's highlight reels. We don't see the messy outtakes or the rock bottom moments. We don't see the behind the stage, we see the Pinterest perfect moments. So we cannot compare those Pinterest perfect moments to our entire unedited movie we call life. We are perfectly aware of all of the mess. But most importantly, God knows each one of our entire stories. He knows what we need when we need it. He has already gone ahead and paved our paths. So jealousy is an inward emotion. It prevents us from looking outward. Jealousy keeps us focused on what we don't have, not what God has provided. There are quotes that I deem favorites. Some quotes are because they lift me up, and others because they convict me. There is a quote by Rick Warren that is definitely one of the latter. It convicts me. However, it's a dose of truth serum I often need when life circumstances become heavy, especially to the point I weigh mine against my view of what others have or don't have. The quote by Rick Warren that convicts me says, "Anytime you feel jealous or envious, you reject your uniqueness. It's a criticism of God's plan for you." I think of that often when jealousy rears its ugly head. I stop and think...if this is God's plan for me, how do I live it out the best way I can to honor God? Friends, please hear me, I am not discounting that our lives are difficult. However, God is in control, and he has it all planned out for us. That is the truth we need to hold on to. We only need to turn to him. Notice I didn't say not to feel jealous either. It's a normal human emotion. All I'm saying is to recognize it for what it is and find your ways to deal with it. When jealousy or envy surfaces, I walk through these five steps. 

(8:49) Number one is to redirect. I recognize the emotions, but I try to redirect that inward emotion to its true source. Why am I feeling these emotions? Is it really about great boots, or is it about something else? If God provides in all circumstances, what is he providing in this particular instance? What am I not seeing? What can I focus on instead? Is God using this work in me? Is he using this in his kingdom? Redirecting to a true source of emotions is followed by stepping back and looking at the big picture. It's part of the whole story. Perhaps I just don't see, and redirecting is waiting for God's plan to become clear. Whatever questions you may have, and whatever answers may surface, redirect them all back to Jesus. He's the true source of comfort. 

(9:38) Number two is finding gratitude. I'm going to sound like a broken record, especially for those of you who have heard me talk about gratitude before, but I try to practice gratitude daily. I write down three things I'm grateful for almost daily in my journal. I've done this for a decade now, and it helps me stand in a posture of gratitude. It's hard to be jealous when you are constantly recognizing all the gifts God provides. Jealousy has no foothold where gratitude abounds. 

(10:05) Number three is to stay mindful. Sometimes the negative feelings of jealousy don't go away swiftly. Give yourself time. Stay mindful of any underlying issues causing these emotions. Sometimes knowing the source is half the battle. What was leading up to this moment? Is this a sudden feeling? If so, write out the timeline of events. Sometimes seeing it in front of me helps me. Or are these older recurring feelings? If that's the case, is there a time, place, person, or thing that triggers these emotions consistently. Staying mindful of jealousy doesn't mean that you give jealousy free rein. Staying mindful of jealousy means you are getting to its source, so you can extradite it from your life, lean into it, then shove it's miserable butt out of your life. 

(10:50) Number four is to reach out. Talk to a therapist or a trusted friend. Find a reliable and uplifting support group, be it online or in person. Share your feelings. Ask for help. This is one of the most difficult steps for me, I struggle with sharing my emotions. Oh sure. I can talk about things in a podcast where I have time to sort it all out and sort my feelings ahead of time. I can give advice years after feeling jealousy. But in the moment, in the heat of jealousy, in the rain and those sweats, the last thing I wanted to do was to admit it out loud. Sometimes that's just what we need. Shedding a light on jealousy destroys it. Jealousy, like all negative emotions, thrive in the shadows. They need darkness. Talking to someone else helps so much while you were in those dark places. A good friend or a great therapist will either help shine light on that situation, or they'll drag you out by your feet. 

(11:48) Number five is my favorite and in my opinion the most helpful. Number five is don't forget the fruit. One practical exercise I utilize when I'm feeling inward emotions like jealousy, anger, fear is to focus on the fruits of the Spirit. What I call inward emotions are what scripture describes as acts of the flesh. Galatians 5:19-21 says, "The acts of the flesh are obvious: sexual immorality, impurity and debauchery; idolatry and witchcraft, hatred, discord, jealousy, fits of rage, selfish ambition, dissensions, factions and envy; drunkenness, orgies and the like. I warn you, as I did before, that those who live like this will not inherit the kingdom of God." Notice that it doesn't say those who experience these emotions have no chance of inheriting the kingdom of God. No, it says those who live like this stand no chance. Don't beat yourself up for experiencing jealousy or envy. It's okay to feel the feels. Just don't camp out there and let those feelings fester or permeate every fiber of your being. Reading further into Galatians 5:22-23, they list the fruits of the Spirit. I now rely on the fruits of the Spirit. "But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, forbearance, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness and self control. Against such things there is no law." Is feeling jealousy, envy or the green-eyed beast banging on your mama's heart right now? Choose one fruit of the Spirit. Let's say you choose joy. Seek joy for one week. Every day, seek joy in Scripture, worship music, friendships, your family, working out, taking a walk, nature, whatever. It's hard to feel envy when your soul is overflowing with your child's smiles, a beautiful shade tree or a terrific book, a call with an old or a new friend, or time in scripture where you know the Holy Spirit chose that day's passage just for you. Jealousy in and of itself is not disastrous. If harnessed and used properly, it can lead you to unfathomable gifts. Let Jesus redirect your jealousy to Kingdom work. When I feel these negative emotions. I ask God to help me purge them. There's no one better than the Big Guy to help bring you back into the light. He is light. 

(14:05) I'd love to pray for you guys now. Father, God, we thank you so much for your wonderful gifts. We recognize and cherish everything that you provide. We often lose sight of those gifts in the midst of our daily to-do list or daily or earthly struggles. But Lord, we know you are bigger than those. You are bigger than anything we are facing today. And you go before us. You have prepared our paths. Please light those paths, so that we may see exactly what our next steps are to be. Help us to navigate these inward emotions or these acts the flesh. Lord, we give you permission to help us turn our jealousy of what we lack or what we feel that we don't have in comparison to others and turn it into steadfast knowledge of everything that you provide for us. You know exactly what we need and exactly when we need it. When evil wants us to focus on the acts of the flesh and turn all those nasty inward emotions, you remind us to always be focusing on outward emotions on the fruits of the Spirit. Help us focus on you Lord, if we are looking at you and the fruits of the Spirit, we no evil will not survive. We ask all of these things and your precious son's name. Amen.

(15:23) Thank you for joining us this week on Take Heart. Our prayer each week is for your heart to be encouraged. We are grateful you are walking on the journey with us. Be sure to subscribe to our monthly newsletter @takeheartspecialmoms.com, and follow us on Instagram or Facebook @takeheartspecialmoms. If you have any questions or comments, follow the links in our show notes. We love hearing from our listeners. Thank you for listening and next week all three of us will wrap up this month on jealousy.