Take Heart

An Invitation For Connection

• Amy J Brown, Carrie Holt and Sara Clime • Season 2 • Episode 67

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Special needs moms often feel lonely. In this episode, Amy encourages us to look for invitations to connect.  She gives us tools to connect with God, ourselves, and others.

January 4, 2022; Ep. 67

Timestamps & Key Topics:

  • 0:18-    Intro
  • 1:17-    Sustained Loneliness
  • 4:55 -   Come Home To God
  • 8:05-    Come Home To Yourself
  • 9:39 -   Come Home To Friendship
  • 11:30-  Outro 

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Amy J. Brown  0:18  
Welcome to Take Heart where our goal is to offer encouragement, give hope and insight, so you can flourish and your journey as a special needs mom. As we explore monthly themes, share inspiring stories and practical tips, our desire is to continue to serve you and your listeners. By the way, you're missing out if you don't subscribe to our monthly newsletter, which releases the last day of the month. It includes a Spotify playlist and a monthly prayer around our theme. We could also use your help this month. If you listen to our podcast on an Apple device, we are so close to having 50 reviews. Could you do us a favor and leave a review? This allows our podcast to be shared with more listeners. Lastly, did you also know we have a full transcript of all our episodes on our website under the episodes tab? If you prefer reading to listening, or know someone who does, a full transcript is available. You can find it at www.takeheartspecialmoms.com/episodes. Sara, Carrie, and I want to thank you for joining us today. 

(1:17)  Hi and welcome. This is Amy J. Brown, and this month we're talking about loneliness. Last year, I was standing in the ER when my child was being admitted with a mental health crisis. My eyes were tired and scratchy. I felt exhausted from the constant noise and harsh lighting of the hospital. As I stood there, in yet another crisis, I felt sad and overwhelmed. But most of all, I felt lonely. This is not my first rodeo when it comes to a crisis. I've stood in doctor's offices, principal's offices, therapy appointments, and even with a CPS caseworker at my front door as I have had to navigate this difficult journey. I have felt overwhelmed, heartbroken and not sure what to do next on many occasions. But in that moment, I felt incredibly lonely. This journey, this unique journey I walk seems to be a solitary one most of the time. Now, I know in truth it is not. I know there are countless mothers all over the world that stand by hospital beds sick with worry about the child they love and can't seem to help. I think what I was feeling in that particular moment was the sustained loneliness of the past 18 years of being a special needs parent. I don't need the ER to feel lonely either. I can feel lonely in a room full of people at soccer games, school events, and sometimes at church, sometimes, especially at church. Can you relate? If the comments I read on social media are correct, and the emails that find their way into my inbox are to be believed then I think you can. The message I hear continually is that Special Needs Moms are very lonely. I think part of the reason we feel lonely is we are constantly feeling misunderstood. Maybe you find the courage to open up to someone, and they just don't get it. Or maybe a friend tries to say helpful things, but those comments hurt and leave you feeling more lonely. If you have a child with an invisible disability like I do, I am often met with people who doubt my experience. Kids with reactive attachment disorder are often very friendly to strangers, and so they don't always present in public like they do at home. I've had people tell me things like she just needs more attention, or I really think this is all in your head. After a situation like that, when I feel unheard and misunderstood, my loneliness can become a shield, and I don't want to trust others or let them in. I have learned over the years when I feel lonely, that I'm usually lonely for one of these three things. Sometimes I'm lonely for God, sometimes I'm lonely for myself, and sometimes I'm lonely for a friend. Feeling lonely and isolated can make us feel like we are standing out in the cold away from all that is warm and nourishing. What we need to do is to learn to come out from that cold and come home. But what does that actually mean, and how do we come out of the cold? How do we look for and accept invitations to come out of that cold and come home to connection? Well, let's start with thinking about the invitations. 

(4:55) The first invitation you have is to come home to God. You are invited to be God's child and to be in relationship with Him. Dallas Willard says that God is in the air all around us. I know this to be true, my head knows it, but it takes my heart a bit to get there. I'm going to be honest with you, I forget this truth all the time. I feel alone and like God is far away, but he has invited us into a relationship with him. So for a minute, as we think about this invitation, I want you to let go of any preconceived ideas of what you have about connecting with God. Set aside the one hour in the morning, quiet time at 5 am that you think you need to be doing. Set aside any ideas of what you think that connection looks like. I want to ask you to just for a minute, think about ways you may connect with God. Now, I have six kids, they are all very different. They do not have the same hobbies or enjoy the same kinds of gifts. They are unique, and I relate to them in their uniqueness. It is the same with God. That's how he created us. We are all made differently in the ways we connect with him. Gary Chapman calls this our spiritual temperaments. He explains that we have ways we most naturally connect with God, and when we recognize these temperaments, we can deepen our connection with him. He identifies nine in his book, sacred pathways, and you can learn more about them in that book, which I will link in the show notes. But for now, I'm inviting you to just sit back and notice what your temperament might be. I want you to notice the times when it is well with your soul. Here's some examples. Eric Liddell, the runner in chariots of fire said when I run, I feel His pleasure. So he connected with God in physical activity. Henry Nowen saw Rembrandt's Return of the Prodigal painting, and that began a spiritual journey that would help him understand not only the Biblical parable, but change his own life. He connected with God and art. Maybe you feel most at home and connected with God in the soup kitchen, or with praise music blaring, or maybe you like to have a stack of Bibles and concordances and you're studying. For me, it is nature. In the hardest moments of my life, when I couldn't find time to read my Bible or even want to read it, I have sought the air on my face, a tree to lean against and a moon to look at. When I look at those things, my soul is settled. A lot of times, my first go-to is to get out a notebook, and make lists and go into solving mode when I'm in a crisis, but it goes better when I seek God first by being outside. What about you? Notice the moment you feel that your soul is rested and connected to God, and incorporate those into your life.

(8:05) The next invitation is to come home to yourself. Do you ever miss yourself and wonder who you are besides being a special needs mom? We all know that this role of special needs parenting is all-consuming, but how can we find connection to who we are as individuals? Can you be a friend to yourself and identify this part of yourself? You may be saying, "I have no idea, Amy, how to get there?" Well, here are a few questions. What makes you laugh? What makes you feel the most like you? What do you delight in? What makes your heart lift and makes you smile? Brene Brown says, "If we want to live a wholehearted life, we have to become intentional about cultivating play. We have to let go of exhaustion as a status symbol and productivity as self-worth." So how can you play? What makes you light up? Maybe it's dancing to 80s music or an art museum, funny cat videos, coffee with a friend, or a long hike in the woods, anything that takes you away for a moment and makes you feel whole. Now I'm going to tell you this is a hard one for me because I always have something to check off my list. As special needs moms, we always have jobs to do, and it seems like I don't deserve to play. But here's something I want to remind you of. Beauty and delight are not extravagant extras. They are vital to who we are and who God made us to be. 

(9:39)  The third invitation is to come home to friendship. How do you find your person? Well, once again, let's look for invitations, wipe the slate clean of your preconceived notions of what a friend looks like. Friends can come from unlikely places. They don't have to have the same diagnosis that your child has. They don't even have to be a special needs mom. So be brave, reach out, be persistent and look for invitations and opportunities. Some of my biggest blessings in my life have come when I let go of my expectations. An example of this is my friend Beth. I met her about seven years ago in a workout class. We don't have a lot in common. Actually, she's not a special needs mom. We're both mothers. We both like to exercise. When I walked into that class, I was not expecting to meet somebody who would become a dear, dear friend. Continue to look for the invitations that God offers you to reach out and meet others. We need to look and accept invitations to come out of the cold and come home to connection. These ways of connection to God, ourselves, and others are vital to our well-being. One other thought I'd like to share with you as we think about these invitations. Often in the busyness of life as a special needs parent when I'm in crisis mode, all the practices I have for connection go by the wayside. But what if in these times of loneliness, we double down on what we delight in. What if we tap into our spiritual temperament and reach out to a friend? Maybe that would lead to the connection our hearts would long for?

(11:30) Thank you for joining us this week on Take Heart. Our prayer each week is for your heart to be encouraged. We are grateful you're walking on the journey with us. Be sure to subscribe to our monthly newsletter at www.takeheartspecialmoms.com, and follow us on Instagram or Facebook @takeheartspecialmoms. If you have any questions or comments, follow the links in our show notes, we love hearing from our listeners. Thanks for listening. Next week Carrie will share about loneliness.