Jingle All the Way

Tim & Paul are going Christmas shopping! The guys watched the Arnold Schwarzenegger holiday classic "Jingle All the Way" and sat down to talk about it!

Along the way the guys discussed creepy Ted, the Christmas spirit and selling mattresses!

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Transcript

0:04
it was the night before christmas and all through the house not a turbo man was found but there was one in ted's house the father couldn't find one and
0:12
that made him sad he went to every store and even fought 90s comedian sinbad
0:17
he asked santa for help and santa said we'll see now head off to bed i've got to put presents under the tree the house
0:23
was quiet now there wasn't a sound as santa picked up a cookie arnold schwarzenegger yelled put that cookie
0:29
down now
0:35
[Music]
0:49
deck the halls and welcome to another episode of good times with bad movies i'm paul ireland joining me as always
0:57
is my lovely and festive co-host tim turbo man morrison how are you sir
1:03
i'm great paul how are you doing really dude i'm really excited actually really excited tim probably the most amped up
1:09
i've been for an episode in in brought maybe the history of this show i think maybe night killer is
1:15
comes almost just as close to this but i'm really excited because we're talking about 1996's jingle all the way from
1:21
20th century fox this is a great pick for the holidays tim yeah this is an interesting movie for sure uh this is
1:27
the first time i've watched it since it came out probably in 1996. i've maybe seen it on randomly on tv
1:34
here and there but i've never really sat down and watched the whole thing and uh yeah i'm just happy to discuss an
1:40
arnold schwarzenegger movie as well there's a lot of potential for for uh
1:45
some really weird stuff and this movie is very strange this is something that i watch every year just
1:52
like home alone i don't know why it's a stupid holiday movie and it's arnold schwarzenegger and i
1:57
think that's pretty much all you that's the only this one you don't need an excuse you know that's it one of the very few comedy movies that
2:05
arnold schwarzenegger has done you know kindergarten cop twins
2:10
junior i think that's supposed to be a comedy i'm not sure and he finally got to do a christmas
2:17
movie i honestly there's a lot of movies that i think arnold's in that are unintentionally funny it's just the you know it's the whole personality of
2:23
arnold you know because it's this is the one this is like one impression that i think anybody could do and you would know who
2:30
they're doing if you just went ah people like oh you're doing arnold schwarzenegger and they'd be like yeah that's what i did anybody can do that
2:36
right so this is something about the universality of arnold and just how i don't know like sometimes how extreme
2:42
the movies are and it just the lines that give him to say and everything about arnold is just
2:48
awesome and hilarious arnold schwarzenegger is one of these actors where his personality and true character
2:55
tends to transcend the characters that he's playing like i don't see
3:00
i can't remember what his name is in this movie but i just see arnold schwarzenegger getting angry and getting upset and running around
3:07
to me that's what the movie is yeah okay so okay so you brought this up now i was thinking about when when we discussed
3:12
this the reason why i think this movie is is hilarious and a lot of his other movies is because
3:18
you find out through these these movies okay we know arnold he's he's from austria
3:24
heavy accent in in a lot of these movies they give him just normal names and they just
3:29
expect you to buy that and i think it's the the funniest thing in this movie in this movie okay his name is howard
3:34
langston all right can you imagine carl walked out to be like i'm howard langston just a normal guy
3:40
you'd be like what's up with the voice though and you're like yeah i'm just i'm from texas you know and be like oh yeah
3:46
this guy's just maybe it's a southern accent i didn't know that right there's just nothing normal about that
3:52
that you're you're just expected to buy the name and identity when the voice comes out
3:57
it's just like it's it's hilarious it's unintentionally hilarious it's like a mad tv skit is
4:03
really what this is but it's arnold and again there's it's so much likable likability about this this movie is
4:09
amazing however there's also some stuff in here that are this is a crazy stuff that they have
4:15
done in this movie that i can't wait to get to yeah i don't want to say much but there is a lot of stuff that i found very
4:21
questionable this is this movie is very different than a lot of other christmas movies yes yes this is i can't believe
4:28
that this was like a family movie in 1996. maybe we'll give you a quick little premise here in case you haven't
4:34
seen this absolute gem of a holiday movie jingle all the way is about a father who
4:40
vows to get his son a turbo man action figure for christmas however every store is sold out of them and he must travel
4:45
all over town and compete with everybody else in order to find one you know what's interesting paul
4:51
this movie came out the same year the same christmas as the tickle me elmo craze so it's almost like a little bit
4:57
of life imitating art for people who don't know you know i'm sure everyone knows who elmo is from sesame street but
5:02
there was this toy way back in the day around 1996 that made parents go
5:07
insane i mean i guess we're kind of used to seeing people go crazy in walmart and stuff now but people were getting hurt
5:13
and like injured there's always the hot toy every year but i did yeah for whatever reason i didn't notice that too
5:18
i remember that because the tickle meow thing was crazy for whatever reason people are getting their fist fights over them and they're selling them
5:24
secondhand for like 400 bucks kind of thing like that tickle me elmo market was ruthless it was cut throat in 1996.
5:31
paul are you ready to jingle yeah are you ready to go all the way
5:36
yeah terrible time [Laughter] so this movie starts out with
5:44
a tv show very similar to the power rangers it almost it looks almost identical to the power rangers except
5:50
for a few main characters turbo man and his little pink furry
5:55
monster named booster and yeah there's just a live action kids tv show as we zoom out from the tv show
6:02
we see this kid it's actually his name is jacob lloyd and he is the actor that plays and
6:10
anakin skywalker in the uh star wars movie by the episode one with all the pod racing and stuff so i'm probably
6:16
gonna end up just calling him anakin for the remainder of this movie because he just stands out to me so much
6:22
more as anakin than whatever his name is jamie jamie jamie so jamie is sitting here he's having a good
6:28
time watching tv show however he starts to get a little bit sad when he looks over and talks to his mom and realizes
6:34
that his father's not home yet and jamie has a karate tournament later
6:40
on this evening or karate class where he's going to get his purple belt i believe and
6:46
apparently arnold schwarzenegger his father isn't uh around a lot or he works too much
6:51
so jamie's very skeptical that he's gonna be there to witness him receiving this purple belt yeah that's right
6:57
arnold schwarzenegger is a titan of industry in this movie do you know what he sells tim yeah he sells mattresses
7:03
yeah mattresses yeah yeah right this guy is just so into selling mattresses apparently in this
7:08
world he's just such a workaholic so arnold schwarzenegger here he's uh he's on the phone just talking to
7:15
customers left right and center solving problems apparently he's the only one who can help these people which just
7:20
just seems like normal orders just like a bunch of returns but he is he's the head honcho here he's the big wheel the
7:25
big cheese at this place and he's the only one who can sell these mattresses so he's staying late right now working
7:31
working overtime and his secretary comes up to him and she's kind of flashing them little notes on the back of envelopes being like you
7:37
know like you need to get out of here because jamie's karate classes soon and he sees and he's kind of ignoring it a little bit and eventually gets a phone
7:43
call from liz and you know throughout this whole thing every time at the end of this little conversation he's having with everybody
7:50
he's always like you're my number one customer so since since his wife calls him now and
7:55
he's in he's in mattress mode he's just selling these things hard right i got to sell these mattresses yeah they've got
8:01
to sell them get down on this mattress and try it [Music]
8:07
yeah you know so liz is on the phone with him being like are you going to get to karate class or what he's like i've got it i'm on time don't worry i got it
8:14
so he ends it off with yummy number one customer so obviously she gets upset hangs up the phone on him and he's got
8:20
to book it out of there and head straight into traffic right now he's having a rough time with the traffic he's obviously speeding he arrives he
8:28
walks in and it's over there's nobody there not only is it over it seems like he missed us by like an hour and a half
8:35
like the lights are off there's nobody in sight there's like a janitor walking around
8:40
yeah he totally failed on being there for his son for his receiving his purple belt and it seems like this is a uh
8:47
a habit of him of his he's a kind of not around enough and every time
8:53
he's not there we see this sad look on anakin skywalker's face he's very very
8:58
sad almost as sad as when his planet got blown up you know yeah so
9:04
arnold schwarzenegger gets home and he sees his neighbor up on the roof of arnold schwarzenegger's house
9:10
and he just got done putting christmas lights all over arnold's house he did a nice favor for him he noticed that his house was the only house on the street
9:17
the day before christmas eve that doesn't have any lights and he went up there and did it for him and there's a
9:23
lot of chatter in in town amongst friends here with like arnold schwarzenegger's wife and ted and
9:29
other wives in the neighborhood where they're kind of always coming up to him and thanking him and being like thanks
9:35
for fixing my screen door i baked you some cookies and he's like well i'll make sure i come over tomorrow afternoon
9:40
and get the cookies they're so good his neighbor this guy is ted all right
9:46
ted is this guy in this movie is obviously played by the legendary phil harmon r.i.p you may remember me from
9:53
such films as i'm troy mcclure he's just got like that like that perfect voice that's what phil hartman
10:00
has it's like a perfect radio voice yes that's exactly what that is it's it's amazing you can't do it justice this guy
10:07
and ted is i feel like we really need to acknowledge this ted is a creep it's not he's not really a villain
10:13
maybe he's a bit of a foil i don't really know but like this guy is he's a creepy neighbor this is the
10:18
creepiest guy around if this was my neighbor i would really be watching him yeah
10:24
we're gonna find some examples here pretty shortly he uh he's he's really into being a handyman
10:31
in the neighborhood when the husbands are at work when the husbands aren't available or around he likes to show up and fix your screen
10:38
or fix a light bulb and eat your cookies so a little anakin skywalker here is
10:44
super upset that arnold didn't make it to his karate class and
10:50
he just won't have any of arnold trying to be nice to him or trying to make up until arnold kind of overhears him he
10:57
sees like a poster or something in his room where he's like oh yeah you like turbo man don't you and this kid lights up and he's like yeah i
11:03
really really want the turbo man action figure for christmas and arnold kind of like the light bulb goes off and you can
11:09
see that this is his one-way ticket into getting his son to love him again when arnold mentions turbo man jamie lights
11:15
up and he's like oh i want the one with the boomerang shooter the rock and r the rocket and claw and the jet pack with
11:22
realistic voice activator and all this stuff and he's and the uh you press a button on him and
11:27
he stands up and goes it's turbo time and arnold schwarzenegger is like yeah absolutely i'm gonna get that for you
11:33
and jamie's like all right great because anyone who doesn't have it is gonna be a loser
11:39
no father wants their kid to be a loser so arnold makes the promise to get this toy for him
11:45
he's going to save christmas and win the love of his son the love and affection yeah so so
11:52
this is this is christmas eve right is that what's going on here no this is the night before christmas eve this is
11:57
christmas eve eve okay this is december 23rd all right on okay that's right
12:03
that's i guess i mean that's a huge that's a huge factor in this movie here because you know arnold he goes to bed now when
12:09
he's he's talking to his wife liz about about turbo man and stuff now he's he's gonna get one for jamie
12:15
and she's like well didn't you already get one because remember like two three weeks ago i told you we should get a turbo man because this is what jamie
12:21
wants for christmas and it's gonna be really hard to find and probably sold out and he just again you just see this fear
12:28
go over arnold he realizes he's screwed up and he goes yeah it's at the office oh yeah no problem
12:34
so he goes to sleep that night obviously he is in panic mode because the next
12:39
morning he can't get out of that house fast enough to try to get out and he's got to hit the town now and see
12:44
if he can get himself a turbo man with karate grip and
12:50
flying punches and realistic turbo man voices yeah so before arnold schwarzenegger booted out of the house
12:56
his son asked him was like hey dad are you going to come to the parade later on with us
13:02
you didn't come last year you definitely have to go this year and turbo man is going to be there
13:08
so so i was like oh yeah i'm going to be there just like he says with every other thing that he doesn't show up for
13:13
so anyways he makes this promise and he's out and about to get into his car before phil hartman ted his neighbor
13:20
comes over with an actual reindeer he's he's using that for i guess his
13:25
christmas spirit like like decoration around the house i feel like that's illegal isn't that like illegal or something
13:31
can you just go grab a reindeer let's keep livestock around the house just for christmas decorations that's right i
13:37
don't understand any of that yeah this would this uh not only is he creepy but
13:42
really annoying this guy so arnold's gonna go out now and obviously
13:47
he's a dad looking for a toy on christmas eve day so where's he gonna go he's gonna go to the toy store
13:52
and this is where we're going to meet his rival in this movie uh sinbad
14:00
90s comedian sinbad and he is myron that is that's his name in this movie myron
14:05
maybe you notice in this movie too but or maybe not i i feel like the character that sinbad plays in this movie is
14:11
slightly unhinged potentially yeah yeah he seems like he's on the verge of a
14:17
mental breakdown like any moment constantly and
14:22
very erratic potentially dangerous he wants a turbo doll as well yeah he because he well he goes on a huge rant
14:28
about basically how a bunch of these rich corporations are are kind of making kids want all these toys before
14:34
christmas and and it's and obvi did he kind of sounds like alex jones a bit in this
14:39
really is what he kind of says he does and he starts getting into this going this huge tirade about all of the
14:46
letters being sent to santa and like how crazy it makes him as a as a postman and
14:52
he starts going like you don't know what it's like to feel like going like this and you're taking all these letters to santa meanwhile your wife's having an
14:58
affair or something like that and then and he's like and i'm gonna come out here and stand in this line and i quote
15:05
by this fruity little doll for my kid and and then he starts like choking this
15:11
woman not actually talking about like like getting too caught up in his story and like grabs her throat and starts shaking
15:17
her and it's like like oh wait sorry sorry sorry i'm getting carried away here it's like yeah yeah you're getting
15:23
very carried away maybe you should go home and have a nap he's crazy he's he's this man is on the
15:28
edge one thing we're going to notice here and it starts now as they go into this store
15:34
and they're searching for toys it's a mob of people people are going nuts just like the tickle meow mo but ones
15:40
and everybody is overacting like as far as what a character or what
15:45
a real person would do so arnold schwarzenegger can't find a toy so naturally he goes to one of the helpers
15:50
and asks them you know hey where can i find turbo man and this guy starts like laughing maniacally and just utter
15:58
uncontrol like you mentioned unhinge a minute ago like this guy they're all unhinged they're almost like cartoons in
16:04
the way they react to things and they're just hamming it up laughing because they can't believe that
16:09
any parent would come in here and ask for a toy that's as popular as turbo man two days before christmas
16:15
there's people pointing and laughing at him now all the parents are just like what's this guy an idiot by the way one of these helpers there's
16:21
two of them two of the staff one of them looks just like what i would imagine oh who looks like from
16:27
dr seuss like the the grinch who stole christmas this guy looks like a who yeah he kind of does he definitely has a
16:33
like a mole quality about him there's something or he might have even been in the movie i don't know
16:39
yeah maybe maybe i'm not going to rag too much on this guy's appearance it's christmas time but definitely you got he's got that there's
16:44
there's something about that nose there you're like i kind of know what you're saying anyways it's a mob now people are just running around and fighting and arnold
16:51
schwarzenegger trips and he grabs this remote control car and like manages to slip up sinbad
16:57
and so he falls and it's almost like they're basically just having a rat race because there was one lady someone said
17:04
that they saw a lady walk out of the store with a turbo an action figure so they're just having a little mini rat
17:09
race towards that figure and it's like i'm thinking like as if she's actually gonna give it to you
17:15
like if she just walked out of that store like hell i'd be given the toy that i just bought for someone else for
17:21
a gift two days before christmas too like there's no chance i would be giving it to this crazy lunatic this giant
17:26
lunatic arnold schwarzenegger harassing me for a toy no way so of course she she sees them and then
17:32
she slams on the gas and gets away would you imagine that though just put yourself in this old lady shoes you're like
17:38
you're getting your stuff in your car and all of a sudden this this behemoth runs up you're like god give me a double man you're like uh what is going on
17:45
right now this guy is a psychopath so this is what i'm talking about
17:51
this is definitely exhibit a in the series i call ted is a creep all
17:57
right so let's just paint you a picture right now they're back at uh arnold's house liz is
18:03
making christmas cookies looks like uh ted's kid little johnny he's out in the front he's playing with
18:09
jamie they're kind of messing around they're playing turbo man but obviously they're fighting over who gets to be turbo man
18:14
and ted just shows up he just takes the apron off her very suggestively and very seductively and
18:20
smells her while he's taking it off okay only we can see that but he's smelling her and he's like you just go take a
18:27
shower i've got the sugar cookies don't worry darling dad's got everything under control and you're like
18:33
all right and he's like this guy's creepy all right it is creepy when he
18:39
helps arnold's wife take her apron off the look that he gives while he's doing it like on his face is
18:46
really really unnerving like he looks like he's an ecstasy or what you might want someone to be experiencing an
18:53
orgasm to look like it's a little creepy yeah yeah you would this
18:59
i feel like i honestly feel like if you selectively cut this movie and put ominous music
19:04
over you could probably make this into some sort of thriller or a horror movie potentially just in the trailer alone
19:10
some of the like the amount of stuff that you're like that's not right this should not be in the movie
19:15
and that that face that he makes is one of them you're like all right this guy is a total creeper
19:20
while ted's waiting for these sugar cookies to bake arnold calls home and he's just trying to get in touch with liz real quick
19:27
and tad answers the phone arnold arnold's asking where liz is and he's like he's like hey she's in the
19:33
shower don't go get her and he's like no no no don't go into the shower
19:39
yes meanwhile ted's eating these cookies and he's just having a great time we just need to play you i mean this is
19:45
this is the most iconic well one of the most iconic lines in this movie if you've ever listened to a 90s internet
19:51
clipboard of arnold schwarzenegger or just existed on this planet for the last 30 years
19:58
you've probably heard this part and we need to just we need to go over the best part of this thing
20:03
oh these cookies i gotta get the recipe from liz put that cookie down
20:08
now yeah that's good that's good it's weird
20:14
okay so i've been trying to hold hold off from getting into this for a little bit now do you find it odd
20:21
that there's this much sexual overtones in this christmas movie that i'm pretty sure
20:28
is for kids right like this movie is not this is not for adults right this movie is allegedly for
20:35
children yeah i would say i would say so however this is this is like you know when you you see stuff uh like in disney
20:43
movies or certain pixar movies stuff like that we're like this was a joke for adults this feels a little bit more on
20:49
the nose i just feel like in this movie the the the jokes for the adults sort of overtook
20:54
more of that and maybe that's done supposed to maybe it's supposed to be ironic or maybe there's supposed to be some sort of
21:00
you know tongue-in-cheek messaging in there i don't know however yeah when you're adult when you watch this you're like what is what is
21:05
going on right now these cookies are so good not even why
21:10
is he in my house but why is he allowed anywhere within a hundred foot radius of children or at school so right after
21:16
that super creepy phone call arnold schwarzenegger is on the street and he meets up with mirian again sinbad
21:22
and sinbad shares that he has overheard that there's a store doing a free giveaway
21:28
for a super like a special edition turbo man action figure or something so
21:34
of course they're gonna run over to the store and try and get that doll so they get there and
21:41
this mob is even crazier than the last one we saw at the store these guys are crazy they are like shoulder to shoulder
21:48
like they're waiting to get in to see the rolling stones or something and they're like chanting and yelling you
21:53
can't tell what anybody's saying though it's like almost an audible nonsense and there's a guy with
22:00
what he's like one of the workers when the staff remembers probably the supervisor or something he's like standing on this chair and he has this
22:06
like fisher price microphone cassette player like hanging around his neck and
22:11
he's using that as like a makeshift megaphone and for some reason that's actually working
22:16
anyways he tells them that everyone's going to draw a ball and then whoever gets a
22:23
certain one gets the toy i didn't really understand this did you paul it sounds like what's gonna happen is is
22:29
everybody's gonna get into a line and they're going to get a ball and then the balls are going to be
22:36
drawn out as sort of a lottery style fashion and certain people will be able to then purchase a doll because they
22:42
only have certain amount of these dolls that's what's going to happen here so there's a like that's that's the thing that's why these people are getting
22:47
probably more and more crazy as the days going on they're just they're they're getting more and more desperate right because there's only a few dollars out there now your christmas
22:53
eve day you're out here trying to fight they're in the mall of america so this is this is i think this is one of the biggest malls in the states
23:01
um in north america too right now so there's probably a ton of people in there there's like a couple hundred people fighting each other for for a
23:06
turbo man doll right now there's probably like 10 of them so this is this is this is this is about to
23:12
get interesting tim that's what's going to happen here yeah basically the crowd just rushes in and instead of people
23:17
being handed out balls they all go flying up in the air and then everyone goes crazy because everyone
23:22
wants to get a ball so they can get one of these figures and it's pandemonium people are all over
23:28
the place climbing over each other screaming crying uh some appear to be wrestling
23:34
and sinbad manages to get his hands on one ball and what do you think he does he just
23:40
stands there and starts dancing like a leprechaun like he he he i've got the ball now and of course he gets tackled by like a
23:47
few people and then when he goes down he lets go of the ball like drops it it
23:52
goes flying down the hallway and arnold schwarzenegger is going after it too and he like dives on the floor to get it and
23:57
slides but doesn't get it so it goes down onto like a lower level into this play area where there's a bunch of kids
24:04
playing like a ball pit and all that kind of stuff and now we get to see what everybody wants
24:09
to see arnold schwarzenegger rolling around in a ball pit with children
24:16
yeah this thing this thing had some serious momentum on it this ball was bouncing hard i feel like scenes like
24:21
this were probably written specifically for arnold schwarzenegger because i don't understand like is the idea of
24:26
like i just picture people being in like a meeting like writers and they're like you know wouldn't it be really fun to see arnold schwarzenegger like roll
24:33
around in a children's ball pit like how can how can we do that
24:39
i think i think it's it's like it's like twins you know what i mean they just they're like arnold looks funny with a little person
24:45
beside him no offense dan devito and it's like it's like kindergarten cop they're like this guy's great with
24:50
little children because again this this behemoth of a man is not somebody that you would expect to be
24:57
consorting with children or even just having children on his own it just doesn't seem possible he's he's another
25:02
kind of human this man you know it's just a specimen that's what arnie is and he's rolling around in a ball pit in the
25:08
mall of america chasing a little kid who's got that he caught the ball meanwhile in the ball pit
25:15
arnold schwarzenegger is trying to reason with this little kid this kid can't be any more than like four or five
25:21
years old to give arnold schwarzenegger the ball this kid has the ball arnold schwarzenegger
25:26
wants it and this kid won't and it seems as though arnold schwarzenegger is going to take it from him so he reaches over to get it and then no
25:34
sooner he gets smacked in the face with a purse and then like i don't know where this mob of mothers come in because they
25:40
think that arnold schwarzenegger is a pedophile in the ball pit trying to molest this kid
25:46
i mean they're called and i'm not exaggerating they call him a filthy pervert and they're like smacking him and like calling him
25:52
names and stuff like that it's like you know again like this
25:57
movie's for kids right it's supposed to be what what are these jokes for these
26:04
like i said we're getting i'm gonna rant about this more but these are one of the few one of the many examples of why i call this a
26:10
very strange christmas movie it definitely evokes the thought of this is going to give
26:16
your children some very interesting questions for you to explain later on honestly that's what it seems like this is for kids but i would be like you
26:22
should be like probably ten maybe before you watch some of this because you if it's some awkward things
26:28
you gotta explain to people [Music] shouldn't be laughing serious subject
26:34
matter here right so arnold gets expelled from the ball pit and nearly gets put on some sort of
26:39
watch list and he walks away in a huff and he walks by he just for every reason just walks up to a santa village i don't
26:45
know why he just figures that's what he's going to do if you're that that desperate for a turbo man
26:51
you just start walking up the santa clauses in the mall and be like hey santa can you help me yeah so arnold walks up to santa here
26:57
this really sketchy santa apparently turns out to be jim belushi and uh he's gonna take him across town to a very
27:03
shady warehouse where there's a bunch of people dressed up like santa's and mrs claws and elves
27:09
and they're it looks like they're making counterfeit toys i guess that's what's going on here they're moving hot items that's definitely what seems like this
27:16
is a very elaborate operation they have for toys it's like the underground crime world of the santa clauses
27:23
like it's just yeah they have a whole bunch of and they all it's funny that they're all dressed as santa
27:28
this whole part i will say this this made me laugh quite a bit because it's so darn foolish like it's
27:35
these santa clauses take what they're doing very serious i wanna point somebody real quick too santa's friend the elf here is uh mickey from seinfeld
27:42
just another seinfeld connection going on there love this guy yeah cramer's little friend yeah mickey hands arnold uh toy here he hands him a wrapped up
27:48
box that is presumably uh turbo man so you know they make the trade off
27:54
arnold gives him the money and he opens the opens box and realizes what he's got is a turbo man
28:00
that's kind of falling apart and apparently just speaks spanish and
28:05
we have we have a bit of a standoff here and now it looks like santa is just is just calling him out making fun of making fun of arnold and
28:12
call him a chicken yeah he goes all in on the chicken by calling him a chicken
28:17
again it's one of these very exaggerated ways of someone calling someone a chicken he actually starts like full on
28:24
body dancing around and doing a rather good chicken impression uh and you know arnold
28:31
schwarzenegger has to fight in every movie so here we are yeah
28:36
yeah this guy goes full on arrested development with the whole chicken dance and it just that's the red button for
28:42
arnold it looks like so arnold just lays him out and all of a sudden just another six santas jump in so a circle now sort
28:49
of forms around arnold and he's fighting a bunch of the santas and out of the pack steps the big show
28:55
himself dressed up like a santa claus uh shirtless muscly santa claus here at wwe
29:02
superstar the big show arnold schwarzenegger falls down and the big show picks him up and winds up to
29:08
punch him but as he picks arnold schwarzenegger back up there is this tiny little santa on
29:14
arnold schwarzenegger's shoulders um he's so tiny that you would assume that he would be an elf but for some
29:19
reason he is a santa claus and as far as i know this is the first appearance of
29:25
that actor that plays uh mini me in the austin powers movies oh vern troyer
29:30
that's right yeah yeah i don't remember seeing him prior to this movie he doesn't talk in fact his voice
29:36
is just like overdubbed with this sped up little munchkin voice like something one of the munchkins from like
29:42
the wizard of oz or something he's like stuff like that it's really weird and the big show and mrs arnold and
29:49
punches this little fella really hard so hard that he flies across the room and slams into a pole and he's
29:56
presumably dead right after the little guy is disposed of the cops come rushing in and this is a
30:03
bust it's an underground crime santa claus bust they're they're
30:09
they're coming in like they're like they've just seized like a million a few million dollars worth of cocaine
30:15
but it's basically here they're here to take all these santa clauses away which it's kind of sad because who's
30:22
going to deliver all these toys arnold schwarzenegger finds a toy badge amongst all the uh
30:28
random toys laying around and he picks it up and because he's the only person that isn't dressed as santa claus
30:35
i guess the cops assume that he they believe him when he shows them this toy badge and he tells him that he's been
30:41
undercover trying to like bust this crime syndicate for a while now and
30:47
basically just starts roasting the cops and disparaging them with their sloppy police work and stuff
30:53
as he flashes his dollar store badge don't you know i'm part of the marshmallow task force
30:58
but yeah he's it's enough for him to fool him and just get the heck out of there because we look at arnold too if this guy started yelling at you how like
31:05
again how much of an intimidating figure arnold is in this movie you'd be like
31:10
geez louise all right i believe this guy i'm gonna get the hell out of here you know he's like what are you doing don't stand there arrest someone i'm like all
31:16
right sir yes i'm gonna go arrest somebody he's just it's it's it's a believable guy you know at least in that sense and
31:22
and arnold he uh he books it out of there and he drives home or he's trying to drive home it seems like and
31:28
unfortunately he's not having any luck and his car runs out of gas and so he kind of pushes it to a rest stop or
31:36
restaurant i guess is what it is really and he goes into the restaurant and he calls jamie's like jamie i'm gonna make
31:42
it a little late or whatever and you know jamie is really upset about the whole thing because he's just
31:48
like you know dad you're always just promising that you're gonna you're always gonna do stuff and you're gonna show up and you never do so jamie's
31:54
obviously very heartbroken and just kind of hangs up the phone as he hangs up the phone like he says to his father he says
32:00
you never keep your promises you never do anything right you never do anything you're supposed to do and he hangs up on him and the kid like cries and runs
32:06
upstairs and his mother is standing behind him in the hallway with her arms folded and shaking her head she goes damn you howard
32:14
you care more about those mattresses than you do your own family [Laughter]
32:20
that's i mean come on arnold arnold's deep in the game he's grinding for those mattresses that's just what he does
32:27
is my life the merchant's game i've been in this since 81
32:35
so arnold goes and he's all frustrated so he's going to get himself a coffee right now and isaac hayes pours my coffee
32:42
and you know he looks over and there's sinbad sinbad's sitting there he's having coffee too in this place as well
32:47
we need to talk about something again this in this movie where you'd be like a
32:53
who wrote this and who agreed on this and then b why why is this for kids what is going
32:59
on here because so so sinbad he's sitting here telling telling this guy all about his problems
33:06
and and sinbad mentions that when he was a kid there was this one toy he really really wanted and
33:11
didn't get it and he and he there's another kid on the street and he got the toy and this kid ended up
33:17
being a billionaire and sinbad is just you know he's a divorced
33:23
parent and he's basically been paycheck to paycheck trying to support his his kid and he's a working dad and he's having a really hard time at christmas
33:29
time and he's really upset we have a moment here where arnold is just sort of taking this whole
33:35
life story in okay as he does it he now
33:41
sort of sees jamie young jamie as sinbad okay he's dressed up in the
33:47
postman outfit and he's sitting there and he is
33:52
he's drinking this little kid is has got like a mickey in his hand that's been
33:58
that's bigger than a mickey that's like a pint that's like a pint of whiskey yeah this kid is chugging a bunch of booze right out of the bottle he's just
34:05
he's just drinking this kid is just chugging back a bunch of booze with a little a little mailman hat on right in
34:12
front of arnold yeah and i think it's it's weird to me that this
34:17
movie chose this path like this is like aaron schwarzenegger is worried that if he does not get his son turbo man the
34:24
toy that he wanted then he's going to end up like sinbad here she's he's going to grow up to be a loser
34:32
and for okay first off what is this movie's problem with postal workers
34:37
if i was a postal worker i might be offended by this because it's like painting like sinbad
34:42
to be a just a loser because he said an adult with a failing marriage and he's a postal worker i i i don't i don't
34:50
exactly know when the first time somebody went you know quote postal but i know you know that was definitely a
34:55
term in the 90s that was i've you know i heard heard that a few times right so i'm like oh this guy's gonna go postal one day you
35:00
know so unfortunately you know to me being a main man seems like a
35:06
pretty uh great gig honestly because it's like you're just getting fresh air you're hanging out no one's bothering you you
35:12
could just sit there you know rock your little earphones and just deliver mail all day in the sunshine that sounds great to me i don't know and probably
35:18
the benefits all right too maybe not i don't know but it just yeah that's like one of those things in school where the teachers were like you better pay
35:24
attention you're gonna be a garbage man i was like i was like everyone's okay everyone laughed and now i'm like they got pretty good benefits pretty sure
35:30
they got dental and pension so they're doing all right so what happens is is while i guess they have this kid
35:36
drinking in this restaurant come back to the they come back to the radio
35:41
and uh they they hear they hear somebody announce that they're giving away a turbo man doll and they have to call in
35:47
the radio station and give the names of santa's reindeer so arnold and sinbad both run to the pay
35:53
phone and they start fighting each other arnold gets in there first and they have this this this crazy
35:58
phone booth fight and and uh unfortunately the receiver gets ripped off by sinbad so arnold kind
36:04
of beats him with it a few times so isaac hayes mentions that uh you know a couple blocks down the road that's
36:10
where radio station is and maybe if you run fast enough maybe you can get the answer in time so they both just hoof it
36:15
down the street now arnold schwarzenegger is like running and singing the names like he's kind of like
36:21
in repetition so he'll remember dash oh dancer it's just funny that he said dash i'll
36:26
dance on friends for fixing him come to cuba down right over and over and over that's that's a that's a tongue twister
36:33
right there already he's like see that ten times is arnold and like if he knows if he already knows it why is he saying it over and over and
36:39
over i guess he's just really giddy because he's finally gonna get this toy so again this is another part in this
36:44
movie where you're like i i just just just add it to the list the ever growing list of
36:51
how is this for kids and why would you you do this but it looks like arnold kind of shows up
36:58
just a a second or two before before uh sinbad shows up
37:03
the door is locked on the studio but it doesn't matter because arnold just punches the door in so you
37:08
have this giant man screaming at you he's yelling the names
37:13
of santa's reindeers while he kicks in your window okay arnold schwarzenegger's voice doing
37:19
that dancer brain's a classic human then he's just like attacking you and and the you know the poor radio dj's
37:25
like hey what's going on here and they're like give me the dog give me the doll it's like i don't have the doll here
37:30
what i have is a voucher for a doll this is this is guaranteed at one of the toy stores but when they when they get them
37:37
yeah yeah they get a gift card basically so obviously you know they're they're they're not too happy about this
37:44
and sinbad first of all before before they even got to this part
37:50
i guess we should mention he pulled out a package and screamed that it was a
37:56
bomb he just he just could he wanted to try to control the situation and get
38:01
the turtleman doll and said he had a bomb okay and two seconds
38:07
after this whole thing happens and they realize it's a gift certificate the cops show up
38:14
so arnold tries to make a break for it sandbag tries to make a break for it and are stopped in the lobby of the
38:19
elevators okay and once again sinbad pulls out another package and in the next again for the second
38:26
time in probably about three minutes on screen he screams he has a bomb again and by this time you know the cops would
38:33
call the radio dj called 9-1-1 and the cops have arrived they're all in the
38:39
hallway there's 14 i counted there's at least 14 guns pointed at sinbad this is
38:45
like this is like a square space of like maybe like 12 by 12. this isn't like a really long
38:52
hallway and these guns are all pointing every direction this is very unsafe so yeah he says that he has another bomb
38:58
so just a second ago when he had the bomb it fell on the floor and
39:04
it just started playing music so it was like obviously some kind of like a ballerina jewelry box or something like that he pulls the same trick again here
39:10
five minutes later in front of the cops and arnold schwarzenegger seems like he's still just as scared again even
39:17
though he pulled the same trick this like a minute ago he's like oh no this one's actually a bomb maybe
39:24
but i mean with that said sinbad's crazy so i might just be weary of it anyways yeah i think that's a fair that's that's
39:30
fair too but there's also 14 guns drawn in him like you said too so that's that's a moment for anybody to sort of stop and reflect on what is going on
39:38
arnold schwarzenegger booted down the stairwell sinbad decides to take the stairs which one thing i found funny he puts the bomb
39:44
on the floor and then slowly backs into the elevator like why did the cops not stop him he put the bomb down like
39:51
what's the point yeah maybe or maybe maybe he's got a detonator on him you know they don't really know this is the sinbad in this movie is very unhinged so
40:00
yeah yeah i'd be a little i'd be a little worried too you know and it seems like most of the police are worried except for the uh the chief here because
40:07
he tells him that he's been on the bomb squad for 10 years now yeah yeah he has lots of experience that's right and he's he's like this is
40:14
not a bomb don't worry guys so he basically you know sniffs the package listens to it he's like this is
40:20
this is nothing we're all good guys he opens the package okay and by this
40:25
time arnold has made it out the front door and sinbad has also made it out as
40:30
well okay and a giant explosion just goes off now
40:36
at the top and what we're left with is is basically a
40:41
a warner brothers bugs bunny uh leslie nielsen sort of
40:46
moment where this guy's got this exploded package in his hand and everybody's okay but he's just
40:52
covered in soot or something and his hair is this guy's here it's crazy i've heard
40:58
the term dirty bomb used before i know that's not actually for a bomb that's literally dirty but if
41:04
it were that's what this is this is a dirty bomb it seems like it was a bunch of a bunch of tar wrapped around a little
41:09
bomb and it just went off and the person holding it got really dirty
41:15
every other cop there's like 14 around him we're all within like five feet and they're all untouched but this guy is
41:20
full of smoke and he's covered with black [ __ ] and his hair is really messy so i don't know what kind of bomb this
41:26
was but yeah it's a bomb i guess is it i like that it's called a dirty bomb that's great it's the cousin to the
41:32
glitter bomb the dirty bomb dirty bomb up
41:41
so arnold schwarzenegger is feeling very defeated he is down and is like he's going home
41:46
and just as he's standing outside his driveway he remembers that ted his neighbor his
41:52
creepy neighbor mentioned that he has a turbo man for his own son underneath
41:58
their christmas tree already so you know christmas spirit arnold schwarzenegger is going to go
42:04
into their house his neighbor's house this super creep of a neighbor by the way and he's going to steal the toy not
42:12
from his neighbor but from his neighbor's son who is the same age as uh jamie anakin skywalker all sorts of your
42:19
son he's he actually does too he actually goes into he sneaks into his house
42:25
christmas movie this is a christmas movie and this guy
42:30
is breaking an entry he's not literally breaking his way in but he is totally breaking into somebody's house
42:37
to steal their christmas toy so that he can give it to his son there just happens to be a bunch of carolers
42:42
outside like standing beside his house and while he's stealing this toy ted is at
42:49
arnold schwarzenegger's house with his wife with his arm around her and they're like dancing
42:54
watching these carolers and arnold schwarzenegger walks out and he's just voted outside and then he looks at the tag and he sees to johnny
43:02
from your loving father and he's he outsourced another questions to himself he looks like kind of
43:07
disgusted he's like what have i become what am i doing i can't do this i can't do this what have i become i can't do it
43:18
so i've become a monster no monster i can't i get to put this present back
43:24
so so he decides to put the present back but
43:30
as he's about to put it back um this reindeer from earlier like an actual real reindeer
43:37
is inside the house and sees arnold schwarzenegger and starts chasing around a house like he's a dog
43:43
and he's like even growling and stuff like this this deer growls and roars like a bear
43:49
yeah this reindeer is really vicious it's like a guard dog it's really what's happening here and it even you know it
43:56
knocks over a wise man and knocks its head off into a fire knocks sand into a christmas tree and
44:02
sort of sets off the smoke detector arnold traps this reindeer in a room
44:07
but meanwhile you know there's now kind of a fire breaking out in the front of ted's house so arnold's trying to put this out while
44:15
there's a bunch of carolers just singing at ted's house with his with ted creeping out watching his wife and he
44:21
just soccer punts this wise man's head through a window yeah the front window of the house
44:28
so it like it goes rolling and land right in front of his wife and ted and arnold schwarzenegger standing in
44:35
his in his neighbor's living room in the front of this broken window holding still holding the turbo man that
44:43
he was going to steal so he's been caught red-handed and his wife is like
44:48
what are you doing and ted grabs it from he's like rips it out of his hands and he's like this is johnny's turbo man and
44:54
elsewhere he's like it's not what you think and it's like what else is it supposed to look like
45:01
like this looks like you just broke into their house smashed the window almost
45:06
caught the house on fire and you're stealing toys from kids [Laughter]
45:14
yeah this is a christmas movie that's right so arnold schwarzenegger is totally depressed about this that he's
45:20
been caught his wife wants nothing to do with him right now and
45:25
her and ted presumably go back to their to arnold schwarzenegger's house together and
45:31
right after they leave the reindeer is still there just like looking at arnold schwarzenegger
45:37
and arnold winds back and punches this reindeer in the face and knocks it out
45:45
[Laughter] i feel like so so going back to the
45:50
writing room someone was like you would be really awesome we need this arnold schwarzenegger needs to punch one of the
45:57
reindeer in the face how can we do that how can we do that right in that ted just like gets a
46:02
reindeer for christmas decorations he's going to punch some sort of giant animal in the
46:08
face and they're like he can't punch a dog he can't break a dog that's too small get it reindeer yeah they're like it's this or a bear you get to choose
46:14
and he's like give me the reindeer punch it in the face which one is it
46:21
so that's right and so you know arnold now at this is like this is crazy again because arnold is sort of drowning his
46:27
sorrows in the back of dead cells i guess he's found some beer it looks like and he's he him and the reindeer are
46:33
apparently just chugging beers in the back now that's what's going on here christmas eve yeah
46:43
it is while he's sitting here drinking a beer ted his neighbor his creepy neighbor is
46:48
going to the the parade with arnold schwarzenegger's wife and they each have their son in tow
46:54
and while they're in the back seat like uh little anakin skywalker says i wish my
47:00
dad was as cool as yours and he's like well he wasn't that cool until my parents got a divorce your parents could
47:05
get a divorce he did wonders for my parents this is a kids movie kids movie
47:10
kids christmas movie that's what this is holy crap that's right that's unbelievable that this is
47:17
yeah and again if you're eight years old you're like mom what's a divorce you're like dad don't worry about that
47:24
arnold schwarzenegger decides to take a taxi to the parade because he has images in his mind of ted
47:32
eating his wife's cookies and potentially hitting on her so he needs to get there and stop what
47:37
potentially might happen while arnold schwarzenegger is in the taxi we go back to the car with erin
47:43
schwarzenegger's wife and his neighbor ted the kids ask to get out of the car because they want to get a standing
47:50
position to see turbo man when he comes down the parade so basically
47:55
arnold schwarzenegger's wife is really sad because arnold schwarzenegger is such a crappy father
48:01
and she's tired of seeing her kid sad phil hartman here ted decides that this
48:06
is a prime opportunity to potentially pick her up ted is making
48:12
a move yeah and he starts just saying like you know if you ever need anybody to talk to you i'm here you know i like you and
48:19
he's putting his hands on her and stuff like caressing her shoulder and you can see her kind of like she's uncomfortable
48:26
with it but i think in her mind it appears as though she's not taking it can't be
48:32
serious this can't be real kind of thing and she's just kind of brushing him off brushing his advances off more and more
48:37
the more she brushes him off the more aggressive he gets with his advances
48:43
to a point where he makes eye contact with her and it's clear that he's going to go in for a kiss and he says there's been enough time for
48:50
talking and he like leans in with it for a kiss with his eyes closed and she like bashes him against the head
48:57
with this giant like hot chocolate thermos or something oh yeah yeah it's it's a thermos yeah she crushes him with
49:04
it fair enough yeah you know okay i'm not saying that
49:10
he doesn't deserve this but i feel like there's been ample opportunity for her to get rid of him
49:15
like why would you be showering earlier like with him in your house and stuff yeah that whole thing is really creepy
49:21
yeah so i'm just wondering like it seems like in my from my perspective this guy
49:27
ted here phil hartman he seems like it seems to him that he thought this could actually work out but
49:32
she didn't seem to actually make him go away at all during this whole process until she just decided to hit him in the
49:38
face of the thermos yeah it seems very strange that at no point in this movie arnold and liz never
49:45
looked each other and like you know ted's kind of weird and creepy right like he's making some advances on me or you know or i'll be like yeah that guy's
49:52
a creep he's a weirdo you know whatever i don't like it when he eats your
49:58
cookies that's my cookie so there was something that there's
50:03
there's a whole other side plot line to this in this movie that we haven't explained because it doesn't really matter too much but arnold throughout
50:09
this whole movie has bumped into a police officer this this old guy and he's just for this whole movie just
50:15
accidentally hurt this guy it's sort of like it's sort of like mr magu or something like that where he just bumps into this
50:21
guy and this guy just accidentally has the worst things happening like a train will run him over or his bike just falls
50:26
apart or he gets burnt or some something a bunch of stuff happens it's not good he's like the guy on mr bean in the uh three-wheeled car
50:33
whatever he's around he is just the brunt gets the brunt of whatever's happening that's a genius comparison tim
50:39
i love that that's that's exactly what is happening here arnold accidentally bullies him in this entire movie and it's hilarious so as arnold is running
50:46
down the road he sees ted and liz moments before liz just decides
50:53
to beat him with the coffee pot and it looks like ted is going in for a move and it looks like liz is kind of
50:58
almost entertaining us so arnold sees red now and he is upset so he's like i can't get the turbo man ted's going to sleep with
51:05
my wife and he just runs off down the road and accidentally bumps into this police
51:10
officer again this guy's got banished hands and for some reason he's got like 40 coffees that he's carrying they're
51:16
like hey hey chief we know your hands are all messed up but you want to get six of us coffee and just carry it for
51:21
us could you do that or something really hot it's almost like a jackass skit is what's happening right now and arnold doesn't matter because arnold
51:27
just bumps right into him and those coffees go of course all over this guy and now we have a chase that just goes
51:33
off in a completely different direction throughout the city yeah and arnold schwarzenegger is now on the run from the cops this guy has
51:41
broken into his neighbor's house caught it on fire and now he's on the run from the cops and arnold's is trying to get away he'll
51:47
go anywhere as he can right now so he just he runs down this alleyway and opens this random door and goes into
51:53
this back room where there's a bunch of people and they're like they've clearly mistaken like oh you're here you're here here come over get suited up we're still
52:00
employing a view here for a moment until we see an elevator lift up and like from point of view and we see
52:07
the whole outdoors like he's in the middle of the parade and now we see a third person perspective and it's
52:13
arnold schwarzenegger dressed up as turbo man he is turbo man now he just
52:18
happened to trip and fall his way while running from the cops into being the person that plays turbo man
52:25
for this giant parade by the way how did they manage to get him into this float from like a building
52:32
he went into an alleyway into a building and then like through darkness non-stop
52:38
darkness they managed to have him rise from the middle of a moving float honestly hats off to you i
52:45
didn't even think about that i'm a complete idiot i just accepted that i was like oh yeah they just rise up from the ground
52:51
that's a good point this is like it's like the ninja turtles or something or the batman they have like a sewer
52:57
hooked up to an elevator or something that that that's a that's a great observation
53:04
how deep is this float maybe that's a real question yeah so arnold schwarzenegger is just loving
53:11
it he is filled with joy he is posing pointing to kids doing ymca type poses
53:19
so while he's posing around and having a good time turbo man's little helper comes over and presses a button and this
53:26
like super one-of-a-kind special edition turboman action figure doll
53:33
rises from below the float presumably from the same area that old swordsmaker just came from
53:40
and arnold schwarzenegger is like he's like oh my god i've got this i finally got a
53:46
turbo man and he's like and he's he's like caressing it i love this yeah because arnold's just like yes yes
53:54
yeah on the top of this float he's dressed like iron man he puts it to his cheek and starts like nuzzling it
54:01
and stuff it's very weird this is a growing man so while this is all going on and arnold's having a good time
54:07
the uh the saber-tooth tiger friend there he mentions that dementor his arch-nemesis well at least the guy who's
54:13
playing dementor is going to be jumping on the float in a second and you kind of see a shot where this guy who's dressed
54:18
up in this this sort of like a brainiac meets mysterio costume
54:24
uh he's he's he's he's just having a smoke on the top of this roof waiting for the float to come by i guess and then we see a fuzzy boa show up out of
54:31
nowhere apparently and and it rooks him in by the neck so he's gone now so obviously there's some sort of uh
54:38
there's some sort of shenanigans at foot we could say booster tells turbo arnold schwarzenegger here that he
54:44
needs to give this doll away to somebody on the street presumably a kid
54:50
so you know being the great father that arnold schwarzenegger is
54:56
of course he points out his son he goes they turn the speakers up and he goes
55:01
you jamie you you're the one who's going to have it and so jamie you know he climbed he's
55:07
really excited and he climbs up onto the on the float and gets this turbo man action figure from
55:12
turbo man because he doesn't real he doesn't recognize this giant austrian
55:18
voice who's his father he thinks that this is actually turbo man the only guy in minnesota who
55:24
probably sounds like this too yeah he's probably the only person in this child's life that pronounces his kid like jamie
55:30
it's you jamie i've got turbo man for you
55:37
but this kid doesn't you know he doesn't know can't tell us his father so he just feels super honored that he got a toy
55:44
the toy that he wanted from turbo man no sooner after jaime
55:50
gets this turbo man doll we see a grappling hook fly across his head and
55:55
wrap around one of these i don't know one of the props or whatever for this float and turns out it's this brainiac
56:01
guy he's just got a giant brain for a costume in a helmet and it turns out it's sinbad and he like grappling hooks
56:08
his way over to this float it's funny that this is like a children's float with like children's costumes and stuff
56:14
but apparently the grappling hooks and stuff are in jet packs are real because we're gonna see here in a second that
56:20
sinbad you know in his deranged way of being here as a character he
56:26
shoots his hand off like he puts his hand into a fist and shoots it off and
56:32
basically shoots arnold schwarzenegger in the face jamie puts the turbo man doll in his book bag because it's clear that sinbad
56:39
here wants to steal it from him while zimbab is distracted with that jaime
56:45
runs up the middle of this float and takes sinbad to dick kick city
56:52
so at this point we're we basically have a full-blown attempted kidnapping underway
56:59
where sinbad is chasing this kid his father arnold schwarzenegger here is
57:05
too busy dressed up as turbo man to really clue in that his kid is trying to be kidnapped his what his wife i
57:12
don't know where she was last time we saw her she was beating up phil hartman so anyways this kid is running and he
57:20
finds like an escape ladder and starts climbing the ladder sinbad of course chases him up
57:26
up this ladder and onto the roof then arnold schwarzenegger realizes what's
57:32
going on by the way none of the cops are doing anything because they think it's all
57:37
part of the act okay
57:43
he's a stunt kid that's totally normal like that no wires nothing these kids just going to climb up this building
57:48
we're going to chase him across with an adult arnold schwarzenegger realizes that turbo man has a jet pack
57:55
he has a fully functional jet pack
58:01
and he uses it he turns it on and he flies very very very high up into this guy
58:09
with some of the worst effects graphics i've seen in a while and i mean for 1996 this was still
58:16
really bad arnold schwarzenegger was clearly just laying down on a big giant green screen
58:22
pillow and flailing his arms around as if he's supposed to be falling this is like 90s power rangers level effects
58:29
it's basically what you have in a movie with arnold schwarzenegger yeah i'd argue that the power rangers were better
58:35
yeah yeah potentially yeah i think so but he's just gonna fly around meanwhile his uh son's life is being endangered
58:41
because he is climbing up the side of a christmas tree on a building trying to get away from a grown man
58:48
dressed up in a brain suit trying to chase him for his turbo man doll that's what's going on in the christmas
58:54
movie right now arnold schwarzenegger keeps missing his attempts at rescuing jamie and ends up on the ground
59:01
jamie is has climbed this giant decorative christmas tree
59:06
light thing like on top of this building so he's up very very high sinbad's right
59:12
below him this christmas tree becomes unhinged like the wire snapped and now
59:17
they are extended almost like a plank that's like extends like 10 feet over the building they are both hanging for
59:23
dear life yeah and meanwhile what's arnold is just flying around just crashing into just
59:31
about everything he even at one point just crashes into the side of the building and he's just getting pummeled into it
59:37
so he turns off his jets and he falls and he hits the ground probably like from 30 feet up it just gets up seemingly unfazed and decides he's going
59:44
to throw a boomerang and that's apparently going to save the day it's weird again like this guy
59:49
has threatened a bomb on you twice in knowing this man for about a day maybe not even a day i think it's been about
59:55
seven eight hours he's known this man okay and he's now chased your kid up on the top of this building endangering him
1:00:00
and you're gonna throw a boomerang but that's what he does and it actually kind of works and it and it knocks
1:00:07
sinbad off and sinbad grabs the turbo man on the way down and he i guess he's safe because he lands on
1:00:13
top of a car from again probably 30 40 feet up and little jamie falls down
1:00:19
and it looks like it's curtains for jaime and he's gonna sweep in at the last second but turbo man
1:00:25
so arnold schwarzenegger as turbo man has his son jamie in his arms like a
1:00:30
baby they land on the ground safely his mom arnold schwarzenegger's wife
1:00:37
is so relieved because she's the only one in this crowd that knew that this wasn't part of the show
1:00:44
so she said she's actually been terrified for real that her son was gonna fall to his death she's so
1:00:50
relieved and she says to turbo man you have no idea how much this means to
1:00:56
me his mom looks down at jamie and he has kind of a frown and you know jamie said
1:01:01
because once again in his eyes his father is not here to see this awesome cool moment
1:01:09
he says jb you don't understand your father is not mad at all in fact he's very proud of you
1:01:16
he loves you more than anything in the whole wide world and jamie goes how do you know that
1:01:23
and here's the reveal that arnold schwarzenegger gives to his son who would know better than
1:01:29
me dad howard right here [Music]
1:01:37
okay that that last one at the end howard that was his wife she also didn't know that this
1:01:45
man caught this this what six foot eight man was standing
1:01:50
here above your son with an austrian voice who says yo daddy loves you and all this stuff she had no idea
1:01:58
howard what or what really yeah this is like uh this is almost like
1:02:03
the clark kent glasses or something right he just wears this little mask in this in this little voice warper that
1:02:08
slightly augments his voice but it doesn't even really you it's just still a very thick accent you would be like is
1:02:14
there a lot of people from austria that that live in his area is that what's going on here like it could be could be frank down the street i don't know it's
1:02:21
like that only if clark kent actually had a strong austrian accent
1:02:26
so that's it that's it's a big celebratory moment here and uh it looks like little jamie is
1:02:32
gonna get his turbo man for christmas looks like sinbad is apparently going to
1:02:37
jail i guess you know so it doesn't really get good for him no i mean the bomb threats and all that
1:02:42
they got to catch up to you at some point i guess so yeah you can't really he also
1:02:47
endangered a child's life at one point in this movie like probably about three minutes before that so
1:02:53
that's also not great you know he assaulted somebody too it stole something so i mean but you know you
1:02:58
know arnold also tried to steal a kid's toy and kick the flaming uh you know flaming weissman's head through a window
1:03:05
and paul you've hit the nail on the head there are no angels here
1:03:10
no one's no one's perfect in this movie you know no not not during this christmas no yeah people in glass houses
1:03:16
that's what they should have called this movie right before sinbad is about to be hauled off to jail jaime asks him bad like why do you need
1:03:23
this so bad he's like i need it for my son he's like well here take it and arnold schwarzenegger is like jamie what do you why are you doing that you love
1:03:29
turbo man and he's like he's like well i've got the real turbo man at home
1:03:35
you know because his father is turbo man and yeah high fives all around the
1:03:40
movie's over merry christmas that's it it's uh it's something else
1:03:45
i yeah this is it's this is shocking again just think about all the stuff that
1:03:51
happens in this movie here so this is this is this is a kids movie okay
1:03:57
so yeah you can go ahead now tim we're at the end here so you know just let loose tell me what you really think about
1:04:03
jingle all the way i've got i have a i have some serious problems with this and i don't want to sound like a like take a
1:04:09
soapbox position or something but for everything that i've been taught about christmas as far as what my parents
1:04:15
instilled with me this movie goes against like almost everything as far as the behaviors of
1:04:21
people in this movie and what they idolize they there is no sense of christmas
1:04:27
spirit the other thing is too like i always think of like so we were talking about how this is is this for kids and i think
1:04:33
we both agree that this is probably for kids because the humor in it is so wacky i don't
1:04:39
understand how you would how this would is supposed to appeal to an adult well i i mean now that we're saying this
1:04:46
aloud we're kind of going through this movie here i'm really starting to think that like this i mean this is
1:04:53
this is like in some ways supposed to be for kids but i think more this the more that we talk about this
1:04:58
and and discuss these these plot points allowed i think that it's like it's
1:05:04
this is more of an uh tongue-in-cheek sort of ironic christmas movies
1:05:09
sort of sneering or snarking at the idea of like christmas and and really what what
1:05:15
what it's like it's like you know in the cr in krampus where just everybody that started the movie is just like hot and sweaty and they just hating each other
1:05:21
to start punching each other in the face trying christmas presents and the kids at you know he's that again it's sort of
1:05:27
like home home where he's that little recital and he punches somebody in the face and they get into a fight and you just see the family just it's like the
1:05:33
worst example of christmas right like they're having the worst time and i think maybe that's kind of what they're doing it's it's a resentful take of
1:05:39
christmas in the sense that it's like it's it's it's just people being sort of pitted against
1:05:46
their their their kids like being like well you wanna you wanna make your kid happy right you don't want your kid to be the loser do you you know you gotta
1:05:53
get them this this thing get in this playstation or whatever so i think that is supposed to be the it's like the like
1:05:58
i said before the anti-consumerism message in there or something which is supposed to be this for that's for
1:06:03
adults well yeah it is for adults it's like edibles you know it's like edibles that look like actual
1:06:10
candy i should say so it's like it looks like skittles but you're just like oh that's actually 250 milligrams in there
1:06:15
so don't eat that kids that's kind of what this movie almost seems like this is it looks like it's for kids but then
1:06:20
you get into and you're like this is kind of some heavy stuff yeah so with all that said i genuinely feel bad for
1:06:27
a lot of kids who might see this movie who don't live the life that jaime lives
1:06:33
like the kid that you're supposed to identify with in this movie he we mentioned earlier he has an
1:06:38
amazing bedroom he has toys up the yin-yang and everything he
1:06:43
has lots and lots of stuff but he's still not happy because he doesn't have the turbo man action figure
1:06:48
it's like it's like in home alone man the mcallister's had a damn nice house and they were going away to europe and
1:06:53
florida and flying all the way in between just to kind of correct their mistakes so i i always in movies you
1:06:59
know you always see this beautiful place and it's always to me as a kid i was like i always wanted this guy's house so i was like mom my room sucks compared to
1:07:05
this guy's room so i was comparing this movie a lot home alone in my mind while i was watching it and the biggest
1:07:11
difference between this and home alone for me is how much i you know i feel for kevin's character a
1:07:17
little bit he at least has that arc where he takes his family for granted and then by the end of the movie when
1:07:22
they come back he realizes how much he doesn't like to be alone and he's just happy to have his parents home for
1:07:28
christmas and that's a that's a pretty wholesome ending this this movie
1:07:33
the resolve with the resolve with this movie is that thank god arnold schwarzenegger got his son the
1:07:39
toy that he wanted and therefore is able to live a life where he has the affection and love from his son that he
1:07:46
desires because he got him this toy the heavy subtle messaging aside uh just like when you when you start writing
1:07:52
down in bullet points some of the stuff that goes on this movie you're like hold on a second so in this movie okay
1:08:00
there's a guy who's really putting out some very creepy weinstein vibes we'll call it um
1:08:08
some really gross vibes right you have arnold giving beer to a reindeer also punching it in the face okay we have a
1:08:15
kid drinking okay we have a couple of bomb threats and guns being built on people we have santa fights
1:08:22
with little people being assaulted again we have um we have ted almost well they're trying to definitely
1:08:28
cop a feel on little jamie's mom uh we have uh
1:08:33
again sid bad in engaging this little kid's life several times in this movie and the the the chinese
1:08:40
dog racist thing like that that whole stuff there's a lot of things in here that you're like
1:08:47
wow this is this is this is they thought this was a kid's is supposed to be a kids movie yeah this
1:08:52
this is kind of twist this is kind of twisted man so like again we we've mentioned this already is this for kids
1:08:59
or is this for adults i don't know who this movie is supposed to be for this is i don't know this is this is like now we're talking about this mic this is
1:09:04
actually kind of dark this is not a good christmas i don't know if this is a good christmas movie [Music]
1:09:12
it's what we're doing i guess we just committed to it there there's a there's a reason why i haven't watched it again
1:09:18
until now because i i remember thinking like man this kid is a spoiled brat his father has like absolutely no moral
1:09:25
fiber whatsoever like so what now they've gotten this toy that totally just makes up for all the times
1:09:31
all the areas where he's lacking in his son's life and just missing important events yeah this is a morally devoid
1:09:37
movie you could say but again i i think maybe it's supposed to be that way i don't know i'm that's it's like i think
1:09:43
it's like big trouble in little china it's it's goofy but you know it's goofy but it's like in this it's like it's it's dark but you know it's dark but
1:09:49
it's supposed to be a kid's movie this is the last time i'll say this i feel like a bunch of writers got together where they knew that they had a
1:09:55
christmas movie to make and they had arnold schwarzenegger and they were just like okay maybe you could have a creepy
1:10:01
neighbor and maybe he can like go into a ball pit and everyone can call him a pervert when he
1:10:06
starts like trying to steal toys from a kid and uh would it be funny if arnold schwarzenegger punched a reindeer like
1:10:12
it's just all these different things i feel like they just came up with things like wouldn't it be funny if arnold
1:10:18
schwarzenegger did this and we got a christmas movie it's also unique as well that
1:10:25
this movie doesn't take place on christmas day there's we actually don't see christmas day at all well christmas is sort of just like a
1:10:32
background to the whole thing it's not the most important thing and again that might actually be contributing to the ironic messaging in here that is like we
1:10:38
don't care about christmas it just takes place around christmas it's just him getting this toy so so and you know and so i can see this is
1:10:45
being a very cynical take on a christmas movie and you know it's not it's definitely not it's a wonderful life
1:10:51
that's for sure no sometimes you just you just you gotta go that that wacky route i guess and
1:10:57
they in 1996 that was where they were at with that
1:11:02
i don't know even though i find this movie to be morally deplorable as far as the spirit
1:11:10
of christmas goes i had fun watching arnold schwarzenegger doing all these funny weird things silly
1:11:15
things fighting a a warehouse full of santas you know
1:11:21
just looking at it from that point of view it's fun and we got to we we got to squeeze in in our old movie so you know i guess it's
1:11:28
like our little christmas gift to us yeah that's i i think so that's a great way to look at it tim that's i mean
1:11:34
because it's so hard there's so many arnold movies that we could do i'd really love to just do total recall but even even i
1:11:39
would do an episode that's total recall and then another so that's the arnold schwarzenegger commentary of total
1:11:44
recall because that's just this is amazing because he basically is just like this is the scene where i go in there and ask for the blue bank of cod
1:11:51
and then that happens and he's like kitchen has two mods he's like i said get yes dumas and that is it's about two
1:11:56
hours of that it's amazing maybe we should leave it up to our listeners if there's any arnold schwarzenegger movies that you would like us to do by all
1:12:02
means let us know and we will probably cover it you know we're getting close to the end of season one here with good
1:12:07
times and bad movies obviously this is this has been really fun doing this for just over a full calendar year
1:12:14
we're just gonna round this down here with the last couple christmas episodes and then we're gonna be back in the new year and
1:12:20
you know we just really wanted to say thank you to everybody out there who who's ever downloaded an episode
1:12:27
um if if you've ever followed us on youtube or instagram you know anything
1:12:32
like that if you've ever told your friends about this or just you know you just you just download
1:12:38
it and never listen to it and listen now thank you thank you because you know tim and i we go through we see all the downloads all the time and we can see
1:12:44
you know people showing up in different places and we see the people that have been with us the the ride or dies from
1:12:50
day one so thank you for all of you guys for listening to this so far and staying with us here we we really really
1:12:56
appreciate it because we're just two guys in our houses just talking smack about some bad movies and we
1:13:01
really appreciate that there's at least somebody else listening to this because this takes a lot of time and a lot of a lot of hard work and sweat and blood and
1:13:07
tears go into this so you know thank you thank you very much and if you
1:13:13
listening to this is is honestly a gift enough to tim and i we really appreciate it but if you do want to do something
1:13:19
small for us for christmas just just tell a friend tell somebody just send him an episode if you're like
1:13:24
hey you know what i think you might enjoy this one episode that we did about footloose or i know you did summer or
1:13:30
just whatever you're like this might be up this person's alley send it to your friends and to and i say what do you think you know because that that even
1:13:36
means more to us that we can't thank you enough for all that so we really want to say thank you
1:13:41
we love you all and we appreciate it god bless you now that we're at the end of this i guess all i can say is
1:13:48
if a stupid action figure doll is can symbolize a meaningful christmas for
1:13:54
you then i hope all of you listening find your own turbo man doll for christmas merry christmas guys who is my
1:14:00
daddy and what does he do
1:14:07
[Music]
1:14:21