Nana

In which I remember Nana; I share some very exciting breaking news, which will excite precisely no one other than me; I hit new levels of incompetence; there's a Tiger Balm-related warning; death is sh*t, and dementia even more so; Beth finds a Northern Bath; and I share some of my favourite memories of Nana with you all.

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Hello, this is Kathryn at I know I need to stop talking. hello my lovelies. It's been so long such a long, long, long time, you're probably thinking Thank goodness for the peace and quiet while I'm back doing all of that now, but seriously, it's been it's been a very, very long time much longer than I intended since I last I don't even know when I did last recording for the podcast. And I always feel terribly bad when I don't do these podcasts even though as I say you probably are sitting there thinking thank goodness with peace and quiet but genuinely I have missed it and I've missed all of you a huge amount. I hope you're all okay, as ever. This always feels a little bit like shouting into a void but genuinely I genuinely do hope that everybody's doing okay and it's alright and looking after themselves. And I have missed you all but I have needed a little bit of time I have needed a little bit of time because death is shit isn't it death is just shit more on death being shit very shortly. Anyway, before we get to death and chip breaking news breaking is and I'd be very excited about this. I'm so excited about this. This is tragic. I am so excited to tell you all that just prior to coming in recording this podcast. I've beaten my surprise surfer high score record and I've achieved a score of 380,000 and this I know is why you come to this podcast for content like this and what has my life become and if in fact if anybody says to me What have you achieved over the bank holiday weekend that that is that is it I've achieved in you very proud 380,000 I yeah, I feel like there should be there should be measured on this fucking tragic isn't it? So I've achieved that. I've also achieved something that I didn't know was was possible but I guess if I've learned anything about myself during the the many years I've been alive on this planet that anything is possible. I decided we would have a barbecue today it was okay we're going to going to have a barbecue Jovi's girlfriends rounds. I'm going to get into a barbecue. And Mr. I'm going to stop talking so to me would you like any help? And I said no, because I know that stereotypes would suggest that the barbecue is that man's job but that man makes fire but I fucking love making fire so I wasn't I didn't have any of any of the good enjoyment there. So I was out there making fire. And I was going backwards and forwards from the barbecue getting the things to bring out and put on top of it. And I stepped down on you dishonest if you're in bare feet and you're standing on the patio and he stepped down on off Stoney or are you hurt so I went to kind of stepped down more firmly on it which probably sounds obscure and is quite obscure given what was about to happen. But my logic is actually if you do that, then it makes it a lot easier to then kick the stone away. Unfortunately for me, this was not gravel as I had all those steps now, but it was a piece of burning charcoal. So I now have the unique I don't know maybe other stupid people have done the soon maybe slightly unique achievement of having stamped burning charcoal into the soul of my foot. Don't recommend hurts like a motherfucker. It really really, really does. We've sat for most of this afternoon with one foot in a bucket of water a bit like is that all humans do on sleepovers? If you want someone to wet themselves you put the foot in a bucket of water or is it the hand or do you even do that if as you can tell I didn't go to the kind of sleepovers were such pranks and jeeps were played but yeah, so I've got very very, very painful but I've also got a random hole in my hand. That sounds a bit melodramatic. If my sister Helen was listening to this. She'd be like, Don't exaggerate. That's fair, Helen. That isn't exaggeration. I've got a little hole in my hand. I don't even know how I was randomly walking through on the barbecue again, looked down and my hand was covered in blood. It was one of those things were like oh my god, I must be like missing a finger. Now the smallest tiniest hole I don't even know how I done it and it all swelled up quite dramatically as well. So possibly like some kind of insect bite anyway, I was on this I had my trusty Tiger Balm. I don't know what's in Tiger Balm possibly real tigers, but it's very fucking effective. I don't know if we should be scared of how effective Tiger Balm is if you've never tried Tiger Balm on Scott get a pot of it in your house. It's Game Changer anybody does anything to themselves you know bumps themselves burns themselves cuts themselves to get the tiger barbering the Tiger Balm just don't get complacent with tiger mom because a little bit like original source minty tree shower gel A little goes a very long fucking way and oh my goodness, it takes no fucking prisoners. I have a memorable memory or many years ago I think wrote about it and blog at the time of putting some time bomb I think it's like an insect by and then going and wiping my eyes and Oh, dear God, it was like Niagara Falls flowing from my tear ducts. Yeah, it takes depressants was very, very effective. See, so I'm a bit bashed up basically, as I say here, but I've gotten you fucking high score and subway surfers, so you know that's what her Majesty would have really wanted for her Jubilee weekend is me getting a new score high score in Subway Surfers live in the dream. I tell you when you get hit 40 This is what it's all about. Fucking brilliant. It's fucking brilliant. But yes, for anybody who hasn't necessarily seen that on on the blog because I don't expect you to or kept up but keep up with the minutiae of my day to day life. My nana died and death is shit. Now to be fair, in some ways, I was chatting to my dad about this analysis Nana is my dad's mom. And we were saying you know, obviously death is very shit but dementia is even fucking shitter and that was where we were Nana was you know, she was 88 when she died. She lived the most amazing life like they talk about a life well lived. She lived her fucking Life's so fucking hard. She really did. And I know and perhaps it's easy for me to say because I'm not the one who's dead but I am 99.9% confident that Nana would not want it to carry on living in the state that dementia had got her into, because she watched her mom go through it and anybody who is going through, it's got loved ones going through dementia or Alzheimer's, it is the cruellest fucking thing ever, because it takes the person you knew it takes that person away. It's like they're gone completely in every now and then you see the tiny, tiny glimpses momentarily of that person, and then and then it's gone again. And it's just, it's just awful. It is just absolutely awful. But I can remember quite vividly when Nana had come down to stay here and I'm gonna guess it must have been about maybe seven years ago. And it was just before we started to realise that, wow, dementia is really starting to take hold. And she come down, she comes to stay with myself and the good she's got to try and come sit, stay with us. And we had a lovely time. And she, you know, been brilliant to have her here and see the house and everything. And then she went back home, she got the train back home, her friend met her at the other end. And then the next night, I had a missed call from her. I didn't get to the phone in time. And so I did one for someone so it was her number. And before I could go to dial the number back, the phone rang again. And it was Nana she was in tears. And I'd never heard or seen her cry during I've told her the story I'd never heard or seen her cry. And she was in tears. And she said Kathryn, I'm so frightened. I'm so frightened. And I said now it's what's up what's up. And basically she had had a couple of her friends I think for all the right reasons. Talk to her and say listen, we're a little bit worried, you know, maybe you should see the doctor and maybe you're starting to show some signs that suggestion might be good to get checked out as to whether Dementia is a thing. And she was so frightened. And that was one of the more harrowing phone calls of my life because I think again, long conversations with my dad about this I think possibly that worst point for the person with dementia the worst point is actually not when you've gone into the latter stages of the disease when genuinely you are not really aware that you have it at all. It must be those those early kind of moments when something's not right and then that that horrible of other can't I can't imagine it like I imagined but I just know I've never heard manikaran I've never heard her sound is scared so it sounds like I'm back to you know, death is utterly fucking shit and gutted and she was just the best Nana ever. medley may have some some slight bias there. But I also wouldn't have wanted her carrying on living, you know, the kind of it does become a bit of a shadow of a life within her so that person you loved and you knew is just not there. So yeah, it's kind of that's all been going on really in the background. So I just needed a bit of like space to work through stuff and and probably as logistics because like she lives many, many hours away from us, which means it's not like just a case of pop down the road of the crematorium for the for the funeral. It's like some massive great big roadtrip extravaganza, which God loves my kids so that they were very keen to come to the funeral. I think Nana would have liked them to be at the funeral. They've always come to funerals. I know kids, that funeral is a bit of a emotive topic understandably so but as always come on the proviso clearly that they were well behaved and if they weren't well behaved, we would chuck them out of there. And then, but I think you know, we're a bit funny in this country with our attitudes towards death, we are still a bit funny. And I think it's really important for kids to kind of know that, you know, death is part of life as part of death. It's all part of the beautiful circle of life. And no, I won't be breaking into an Elton John's hot song here. Don't panic. But do you think it's quite important? So they were they were keen to come and they were they were good as gold. I mean, six hours each way and a car with Beth as your front seat passenger. That's a lot of car games. That is a lot of games. But but they were fantastic. And we tried to make you know, a little trip out of it. You know, it's it is a long journey. And it was a chance for them to go and see sort of where my dad grew up. And you know, what Nana grew up on was it was at school and everything. So they were they were quite taken by that. I mean, Beth could not get her head around the fact we were up north, even slightly. I mean, she is hilarious. She was like you can't speak and I thought you mean I can't speak she's like, listen, everybody else talks properly. And you sound weird. I don't know. It was just me. She never seemed to think that her accent was a problem. I was like, I can assure you it's fine. But my favourite bit was we bought this lovely hotel, which had like such a good invention whatever more hotels do this, like a proper family room ie not everybody in the same room because that's hell, but you'd opened the door to the to the room and then there was like a corridor with two bedrooms and a bathroom so the kids have their own space. We had our space it was brilliant. He went into the other I think Beth was very disappointed by the North of England in general because I think in her head she had thought it was going to be like at the North Pole she kept going I can't wait till we get to the north and I was like I think you will be disappointed it looks exactly the same as the South only there's a bit more space and we build slightly less historically on it but it's not going to be 12 inches in snow if that was what you're hoping for from the look on her face that was definitely what she was hoping for. Anyway we go into this hotel and as always kids running around looking you know sort of excited the room and everything and best stocks up short and the door the bathroom. Oh no. She goes oh no No matter shall whilst we're looking at this sure it's a northern bath. I mean literally it was a bath it was just a normal bath says Normal bath. It was northern bath and later on I said go and wash your hair so just tell me I don't know how to work these northern baths it's just about just above but yeah, they were they were amazing they were amazing and actually you know funerals I do believe there's there's such a thing as a good death and no such thing as a good funeral and this was genuinely you know, my dad and his brother did amazingly we sort of attributes to her and it was it was a it was a really uplifting day it gives me if I can get to ATA have nearly 100 people rock up for my funeral I will have done something very right. So kind of kind of just really wanted to share Nana with you as a little bit on the podcast and I know I sort of wrote a blog post about this just after sort of the funeral but something a bit more personal isn't there about that chatting about it and I just as I say you don't want dementia to win you don't want to your memories that person to be those last few or four years you want to remember them as they were and she was just she was just the best she was fucking hilarious we this is like slightly black humour here so please bear with but way before way before obviously dementia stuff happened and started we when when the kids were born obviously they've got a Nana already mister I know I need stockings mom is Nana to them. So we've, we've referred to Nana as in my Nana who's died. As mad Nana, she was always known as mad manner. She
absolutely fucking loved it. She used to sign her birthday cards as Mad Nana. Now benefit of hindsight, mad Nana was maybe an unfortunate but I think she would have fucking loved it. I think she would have enjoyed the irony to that as well. And yeah, she was just the best. I mean, it's always a massive treat to see her because she lived so far away from so it always felt like she always felt like it was so exciting. She was so fun to be around completely batshit in the best possible way. She snored like a train. Well, my earliest memories was when we lived in my first house in Stevenage. And it only had two bedrooms so she and I were sharing this double bed I can still remember I must have only been about I'm gonna say three waking up very early in the morning and just hearing this like I don't know like I did express train in the bedroom with me and like she was renowned. You could hear her snoring through walls that was that was her thing. Always had this lovely smell of extra strong and she'd been a smoker and then she gave it up and I was still very young so she would always have with her. Nicorette patches, Nicorette gum her has extra strong mints always extra strong mints and white musk perfume and even now if you like walk past someone you know it's like smells very evocative, isn't it and always always brings it brings it back. She never shut the fuck up ever. I don't know where I've got it from. I mean, not that we were civil that I mean like she never shut the fuck I've ever but she loved she loved to sing and she'd love to whistle she would whistle like she was a prolific was lover she absolutely loved to sing and she loved all the old musicals I can remember again sort of in a really early childhood home sitting and watching the Wizard of Oz which back then I think was only ever on a Christmas or something I only ever remember watching the wizard of oz of Christmas. I can remember sitting on the sofa in that massive pre Christmas excitement that you have and Nan arrived and she sat on the sofa and we watched the Wizard of Oz and plucking out those those moments. There's the ones you want to bottle on they would just oh it's just just amazing. But you can always be singing I can remember in that same house we were actually you know we're making mince pies at Christmas she was teaching me the family recipe which was fuckin pointless because I've forgotten it completely sorry Nana. I did try. But she will be singing along the carols on the radio and she she knew all the discounts because she'd always been a singer she'd been one of the leading lights of the local amateur operatic society. She knew all the discounts which I thought was great when she was teaching them to me in the kitchen and much less great when we'd like go to midnight mass and everybody else even though you know Oh Come All Ye Faithful has a well known desk and everybody else conforms to type and we just sing the tune No, not Nana. She was in there with all of her couple you faithfuls right up to the rafters she had an amazing voice and I was slightly dying inside and yeah I now look back at that and go That's fucking inspired because I am now the person who embarrasses their kids by singing all the desk answer every every single opportunity that they have to stay with her it was it was so exciting because we'd go off on a Friday night so my dad would come back from work and have dinner and then we travel really late in the car often obviously get to sleep than we'd like wake up and we get that be about 11 o'clock. And our house she was really houseproud our house was always so cosy. It was a little bungalow. And Helen and I would have this massive treat of one of us would tell my mom or dad was sleeping in Nana's room and one of us would sleep in a bed on the floor and then then the other one we take interns we still argue over it sleeping on it on a bed on the floor next to next to his bed in the spare room and our God just remember going in it was so cosy and warm. The gas fire which probably in fact in later years I think was condemned the gas fire because most things that should not be in and out but it was always toasty and warm and we go in and our dressing gowns it was always really exciting going to bed at Nana's house because the the beds that she had had a tendency to like close in the middle like crocodile jaws. So I remember more than once both Helen and I haven't a shout for help as the bed flight just enclosed as in the middle we're like trapped to the bird Hello Nana coming in killing yourself laughing trying
to trying to get us out again. She loved playing in the organ I don't actually remember how or where she got her organ playing skills from but she loved playing the organ and she had this big organ in a in our living room and having a nice love going and sitting on it and an item of what's going on stay with him for the summer and Nana was playing something enthusiastically on the organ and I was leaping around dancing very badly cuz I really really can't fucking dance. And I went over on my ankle and twisted my ankle but she was singing and playing the organs so loudly she had no idea to hell and like going up to him like shaking up Nana Kathryn's really herself. And yeah, I've managed to sprain sprained my ankle but she she loved music. She loved as Northern tradition of of Kaylee dancing. If you've ever done a Kaylee, it's like a bond dance but better. And we had loads of brilliant Kaylee's up at Nana's and she would like throw us off. She'd usually terrorise some innocent young man and force him into into waltzing with her. And in fact, at her is her 70s She had a joint 70th party with her friend Mary in a local Hall and we had a Kaylee and it was brilliant. But because there were so many people in there, the floor started sweating. I know. Grim ha Achillea northern floors, sweating, northern blot started sweating. And so it got to a point was so slippery. By the end of the night, people falling over one poor lady ended up going and breaking her arm. So now as 70 are finished with the ambulance being called now there's rock and roll, there is rock and roll. She um, she took no prisoners and certain things she had no tolerance for badly behaving small children, which I think might work but my mom and we always knew she was renowned for the Nana stare. And I never witnessed it once or twice, usually out on public transport with her when we'd be getting the bus somewhere. And if there was a you know, there was a small child kind of toddler age, probably usually slightly older than that, and they were misbehaving. She'd never say anything. She'd never ever embarrass parents or anything. You know, I think she was recognised how hard bringing up bringing up kids is but we'd sit there on the on the bus. And I could see her just fixing this kid with a stat. It wasn't an aggressive stare. It was just a I'm watching you. I can see what you're doing. I'm watching you. And the times I saw it, it never ever, ever failed. The kid would just stop. I will just behave honestly. She's like she's like the Supernanny ahead of her head over time. Obviously ahead of his time. Yeah, she she definitely took no prisoners. She also turned out she was a very keen, very keen gardener. And apologies to anybody who is who was overly fond of slugs. I'm definitely not but if you're if you're a big slug aficionado, you might want to listen and listen away now. She was livid that slugs were going on with eating all of her begonias absolutely furious about it. And so I phoned her up and we were chatting about it she's down there so the slugs out what you got to do. She didn't like using slug pellets. She started going to think of a plan anyway. And I spoke to the next week she says all sorted I sorted the slugs out so what do you do? She said I waited she said I've waited until about seven o'clock she said well, I know they all like to come out when it gets a little bit dark and cooler. So I waited and I got a fork out of my kitchen drawer and I went round the garden and I stabbed all those slugs with my thought he sounds slightly psychotic and so I never want to use cutlery in your house ever again but I cannot help but admire that that commitment that commitment to the cause. Yeah, she was there as there is also you know, kind of a dialect from from Nan as part part part of the north which I really struggled with as a small child one of her favourite phrases I won't try and do the accent because it would be an insult to everybody living living in the north of England when I found phrases was just now so if you asked for something he said no it Can we can we get to the parks you take just now. Now when my southern brain just now means Yeah, just now we're gonna go now because just now No, that's not what it means in the north of England just now basically means no, it's a really nice and polite way of saying no, just now now can we do this just now? Just now much like tomorrow never comes so yeah, that was that was a was a hard lesson to hard lesson to learn. Yeah, not so. She she I mean she got so many memorable moments. One of my favourite stories I wasn't there at the time. One of my favourite stories was when my cousins and my uncle and aunt had gone with her on the go through the identical and the Channel Tunnel over to France and Nana was sitting in the back of the car in between my my two cousins who at the time were both relatively young and as part of going over to France had picked up some some GT for our continent in particular that picked up some duty free whiskey and so the sat in the car and I think there's a delay getting into the Channel Tunnel and for whatever reason because she really wasn't a drinker at all Nana decided to crack open this whiskey just go more or just have a sip or just have a sip anyway just a SIP turned into a lot of sips and basically it got back to the UK and then it absolutely dead drunk passed out in between my cousins who still find that hilarious enough
I've never left before let I forget that but yeah, she she really drunk when but when she did occasionally have like a glass of wine like at my wedding. Oh my god. She became besotted with the then boyfriend now has under my best friend James So, Chris, who you really didn't know me or my family that well at all, but we'd for various reasons we didn't have a traditional top table so our top table had had our friends on and I put down a next dirt next to Chris because you know, she would get on with anybody and Chris likewise I thought we'll have plenty conversation. Well, two glasses of wine. I mean, she was practically saying to him, Are you sure you want to go have this go relationship with Kathryn's friend because you are me? She has been go. Always a lovely young man. Oh, he's a lovely young man. She She loved her. She loved the young man again. Then Helens wedding my sister's wedding and the night everybody's dancing and Nana just had no shield no truck with any of this modern nonsense so she grabbed again I think wine may have been taken she grabbed this unsuspecting got pictures of this terrified tea something led friends with friends with Helens Helens now husband. And right right we're going to waltz and he sort of looked at her like what she wants and he wants and she's mastered something along the lines of nobody teaches kids these days at Worlds and so she she did wants lessons with this port of just got this vision of her just demanding that he wants to go around the room. And yeah, she was the absolute. I mean, she was just the centre of every party after. After the funeral that night when we got back my dad sent me some video footage that one of his cousins had sent which is Nana with a brother and his wife in the in the kitchen at Christmas, throwing up their dinner washing up their shower and drying up and they got some Christmas tunes on and she's just in a full scale dance routine and she must have been in her late 70s By then I mean she's just she was just she was just immense. And of course my favourite my favourite Nana story which I did write about in the book and this is Oh this was just brilliant so we'd gone to see a stately home I can't remember why we go and we're staying with her we're going to stay the house It's my mom my dad Helen me and Nana and this particular stately home had something called a haha surrounding it and if you don't know what a haha is, I mean what a great name but haha is a sunken fence. So basically instead of having a wooden fence it's where you deliberately sink part of the grounds it's not quite a ditch but it's kind of like it's where the ground drops to stop you know animals and horses and stuff obviously been able to get out of gout fields and get into the into the gardens so now they've been telling us what's actually been informing telling us in the cold away now you have to be very careful of how hard because very easy to fall down they're not marked very careful with hearts don't fall down the HA HA we listening No no no we won't we won't fall down hurtful down haha. But the car walking on now whatever you do girls don't fall down now haha, I'm with absolute spot on comedy timing. She dropped and fell down. Ha ha and that name is given to her house for reason. Because I thought I was going to die of laughter honestly, it was absolute fucking gold. She just lay there down the haha don't fall down the haha. Oh, brilliant. Yeah, so that was my dad told that story at the funeral. And that's definitely one of my one of my favourite memories. I guess you know, I don't really believe in having regrets. Because I think you know, we everything that happens in life is there for a reason. But I suppose the one regret perhaps I would have is that with being so far away from Nana, you know, I think she and I would have just been been best friends. If we'd been if we'd seen each other more often. Yeah. And you try and you try and build that relationship through through phone calls. Of course you do. And you know, so we still try and get a ring every week or every other week. And one of the things that I'm so feel so fortunate about is actually that the kids are old enough to be able to act actively remember her, you know, they went up to her ATS they used to call her and speak to her all the time on the phone. I will never forget, Beth phoning her at the start of lockdown and saying, you know, obviously Nana was living on her own saying how are you doing? How are you doing? And how are you finding locked down? I think that it was probably saying well, you know, she was missing the activities and Beth was saying to her well, you know, and and if you if you feel sad, you can always you know, you can always perhaps find find some of your favourite things to do. Or if you want to you could always phone me and we can always have a chat and I was just like, oh my god my heart. I mean, yeah, Beth and Beth and Nana on the phone to one another was was a meeting of meeting mad mad My minds. It really was it really was excellent. And then the last couple of years of her life, my my dad's brother moved in with her. And so actually what that meant is that, although it was COVID for the last couple of years, we actually got to see her physically because he would he obviously brought in like the internet, which is definitely not something that Nana ever probably got her head round. But we used to do like family zoom calls and you know she she was really struggling by them. But she she'd still suddenly like suddenly just suddenly come in with a laser focus like you're chatting one day, they're about 12 of us on this call. And Nana was on the call and Nana was sort of dozing in and out asleep and not really joining the conversation. So she snapped to attention and went to poor Helen Helen, what have you done to your hair? And Helen was like, I don't think I've done anything now and she was like, Well whatever you've done I don't like it.
You know, obviously is the dementia talking there but also you know Nana was never backwards and coming forward and saying exactly what she what she thought. She also remembered another brainstorm was I don't know if you've ever played the game Balderdash, which is a if you haven't it's brilliant board game. But effectively, the premise is that you you get like a definition or the title of a film. And you have to write down what the plot of that film was or what that word means. And then they get mixed up, then you have to try and guess the correct one. And years ago, my dad bought Nana to stay with us. And so we were playing this game of balderdash. And Nana just could not get her head around that she just kept on guessing our own answers. And we're, like, haven't even written that she's like, I thought it seemed familiar. And this was pre dementia, let's be clear. I mean, she was just, oh, she was just she was just the best and, and one of the weirdest things actually, that I found with someone dying, that you that you know, and love very well with dementia is he kind of don't get to say goodbye to that person. Because even if you knew they were about to die, and we didn't really, I mean, we knew Nana was not going to go on forever, we didn't really, even if you knew they were about to die, you couldn't go and say goodbye to that person that you knew, because that person isn't really there anymore. They've been replaced by, as I say this kind of like sort of shadow of the person that they were. And so one of the things that I guess I genuinely says as a wholehearted recommendation to anybody who's going through similar because it's just awful, is I went to on the morning and the funeral actually went to the funeral home and they were like funeral directors, anybody who's a funeral director can I just say you are amazing, amazing people and particularly the funeral directors who looked after Nana, they were just amazing. And I went to the to the funeral directors on the morning of the funeral. And I just say, can I just go and sit just with the coffin and just, you know, kind of just sit with Nana unless of course no problem at all. And I went in and was able to properly say goodbye to her because funerals at funerals are important and I think they're important part of the grieving process. But I don't think they give you much of a chance to kind of say those those private goodbye, so I could go in and you know, obviously loads of tears and everything and just going fucking hell, this is awful. And then talking about some of the nice memories that we had. And then you know, childhood technology then I Googled to tell her things that it also happened on the date that she died because, you know, memorable day. But joking aside it was it was so lovely. And I actually feel I got that real sense of closure by being able to go and do that and like I say remember all the good times complain about how utterly fucking death shit death is because it really fucking is. And yeah, so I would say if you are in a position, whether it's dementia or anything else, that you've not had a chance to say goodbye to someone who you love, he's died. Go and do that, you know, and the coffin was close. No, you don't have to go and sit sit with the person if that's something I'm not comfortable with, but just going and sitting there by myself. Feel like I said, set a proper proper goodbye. And as I said that the funeral was you know, it was amazing. I think she'd have been I think she'd have been so proud. I think she'll frickin after after thing that was a good funeral I think oh, well personally is funeral is it is would have absolutely loved that. And I really think anything that that that she would have loved it. And and it inspired my my posts. For anybody who's read the poem, people have posts that I put up yesterday. It inspired that as well. Because I just think that the biggest thing that definitely has hit me since she's died is obviously death as shit clearly. And losing somebody you love is awful. But it's only because the time you had with them was so wonderful that you feel it so acutely and actually even knowing now how awful it is losing someone that you love, you wouldn't change those years that you had with them fought for for anything, you know, because they were wonderful and, and she genuinely was absolutely fucking wonderful. And completely bonkers. completely bonkers. Nothing do the dementia completely bonkers. There's a strong that streak of madness runs right through this family and I am so so proud to have her as as my Nana. She was she was a one of a kind she really was. So I'm gonna go and spend my Saturday night sitting with my foot in a bucket of water. I don't know how you're spending your your Jubilee weekend but I should be spending it with my foot in a bucket of water celebrating my 380,000 Subway Surfer High School just that I put that one back in there again. And yeah, just yeah, just sitting in wondering what how how have I burned the bottom of my foot with charcoal, why is this shit happened to me? Honestly, I feel like Nana would be totally understanding and I'm very proud of my sheer utter abject incompetence. Anyway, whatever you're doing, if you're working this weekend, thank you so much for giving all our essential services running. If you are hanging out having parties I hope you're having a lovely time. You having a barbecue, be fucking careful. They're dangerous. Look after yourselves. And I will see you next week. Lots of love. Bye bye