Pointing Toward Hope
Pointing toward hope is for anyone who struggles to find hope in their trials. In each episode, we will have conversations with myself and others, to help you overcome difficulties in your life through applying the atonement of Jesus Christ. We will laugh, cry and learn together how to push through the hard times in your life, and move toward a more abundant way of living. Consider yourself invited to join me on this journey toward a more hopeful joyous life.
If you or someone you know has a trial that you have been able to get through with the help of our Savior, please contact me so we can get you on the podcast.
Pointing Toward Hope
A Mother's Journey Through Grief and Renewal with Sylvia Rico
Sylvia Rico shares her deeply moving journey of losing two sons to a rare genetic disorder and how she navigated the spiritual crisis that followed while eventually finding renewed hope and deeper understanding of God's love.*
D.Todd Christofferson's Talk: Our Relationship with God
Link to my JOURNALS!
Pointing toward hope blog
*Trigger warning: As mentioned above this episode does include talk of child loss.
Welcome to the Pointing Toward Hope podcast. I am Wendy Bertinelli, your host for today. On this podcast, we share conversations about trials, adversities and challenges of life and how we can get through those things with faith, hope and trust in the Lord Jesus Christ, because with God, all things are possible. If this is your first time joining us, welcome. I hope that you'll stick around and stay a while, and if you have ever thought about sharing your story or if you know somebody who has an experience that they would like to share, please contact us. I truly believe that it is through our experiences that we can share with others who may be going through similar things and help them to overcome the challenges of life. This is Episode 78, and I have here with me my friend, sylvia. Welcome, sylvia. Hi, wendy.
Speaker 2:Yeah, thank you so much for having me on.
Speaker 1:Thank you for being here. It's going to be great. I Hi Wendy. Yeah, Thank you so much for having me on. Thank you for being here.
Speaker 2:It's going to be great. I'm really excited.
Speaker 1:Good, so let's just jump in. And why don't you just tell us just a little bit about yourself, and maybe a fun fact that people might be surprised to know?
Speaker 2:Great, yeah. So my name is Sylvia Rico. I've lived here in Tennessee for about four years and a fun fact about myself I actually lived in Mexico. So I served my mission in Honduras. But prior to serving my mission, I lived in Mexico for about six months, had a host family there and they gave me a nickname Chivis is. So Chivis is the way that you say, sylvia. It's like a short name for Sylvia in Spanish, so Chivis is my Spanish name, as it were.
Speaker 1:Oh, how fun. I love that.
Speaker 2:Yeah, so I have my little Mexican family there. They took me in. I was a teacher there for six months, and so they did everything for me. They became my family. While I was there, I lived with them and they did everything for me.
Speaker 1:Oh, that's so fun. Yeah, I love that. So let's just go ahead and dive right in. Tell us a little bit about your experiences and your story, yeah.
Speaker 2:So I've been a member of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints my whole life, baptized when I was eight, have pioneer heritage, originally from Utah, and was really blessed with goodly parents who taught me not just the right thing to do, but how to make choices for myself. I'm incredibly grateful to them for the guidance and the way that they parented me to be willing to ask questions and be willing to seek the Lord in whatever place I was in, and so I feel like that has been such a foundation, a great foundation for me, as I passed through some pretty heavy trials as I became an adult. I have so my husband, lincoln, and then I have four children. My oldest is Elliot, he's nine, and then I have two children who were born and then passed away before they were able to turn one. So my second son is Malcolm. He would have turned eight this year, and Solomon. He was born during the pandemic in 2020. So he, here in July, would have turned five, which is insane. It just time just blows by that.
Speaker 2:The pandemic was five years ago, and so they, malcolm and Solomon, both passed away because of a genetic defect which I'll get to in a minute.
Speaker 2:And then I have Lorenzo, who is two, and he'll be three in a few months.
Speaker 2:So, yeah, that's our little family and yeah, my husband and I both share a common mess up in our trait, a genetic defect in our DNA which is extremely rare. Malcolm was the 26th person in the world to be diagnosed with the metabolic disease that he well disorder, not disease, because you can't catch it, you're just born with it the disorder that he had. And so it was all very new, very we don't know what's going to happen. This is what we've seen in the past, but most kids just don't live to one. Once they, like I, have great pregnancies, there's never anything wrong on the pregnancies, but once they get detached from me, essentially is when they start going downhill. For both Malcolm and Solomon, it was about two months old that they just they call it failure to thrive, which is the worst thing to hear as a parent, because especially when, like you're there to help your children thrive and to hear it's a medical term, I realized, but it's also just like a very poignant term to hear from a doctor that your child is failing to thrive.
Speaker 1:And so difficult, yeah, I can't even imagine.
Speaker 2:And for us there was just nothing we could do about it. It was it's on the cellular level, and so there just was nothing. There was nothing to be done about it, and so both our boys were eventually put on hospice. We got to love on them for the time that they stayed with us. During the pandemic it was a lot harder to let people hold him and for Solomon, let people be around, because we didn't know at that time kind of the impact of the disease on a metabolically acute child, and so that was like an added layer of difficulty during the pandemic. But then and now we have Lorenzo, and it's not that that has, it's not that this sting has gone away, it's that we have been revitalized in our hope, because we do have two children, elliot and Lorenzo, that are perfectly healthy and perfectly fine and will live perfectly good lives. And we just always questioned why? So this disease will affect 25% of our children, so why did we get two in a row? If it's only you know there's a 75% chance that things are going to go great, why did we get two back-to-back children that had this disease?
Speaker 2:And so after Solomon it was particularly hard for me. There was a lot of questioning of like why twice? Why did you do this to me twice? And it felt like an attack from God. I was reacting to it as an attack from God Turns out. Spoiler alert it's not an attack from God, but I just I felt like I was being targeted because I had had such a good life. Like I mentioned before, I had great parents. I grew up in a very secure home, so we got to get this girl. Somehow kind of thing was how it was feeling and why did it have to affect my children and why did it have to have such widespread ramifications for all the people that I love? Because it's not just me, it's not just my husband, it's not just my oldest son, elliot, who had to be there with us burying our children. It was my mom and my dad and all my brothers and my sister and my nieces and nephews who were like you just had this baby. Why are we at a funeral? Just hard conversations that had to be had with people that didn't need to have those conversations, and I felt like my choices led to that and why would God do that to me twice in a row?
Speaker 2:There was a scripture that I had a really hard time with for a very long time, and it's in Doctrine and Covenants 130. It says there's a law irrevocably decreed in heaven, before the foundations of this world, upon which all blessings are predicated, and when we obtain any blessing from God, it is by obedience to that law upon which it is predicated. And so after Malcolm died, my first boy that passed away, I said to myself okay, what obedience am I missing here? What law do I need to obey harder to not get this again? And so, while I was pregnant with Solomon, we opted not to find out during my pregnancy whether he was going to be genetically affected. And so I just went the whole pregnancy with the quote unquote perfect brightness of hope, which sometimes hurts. It sometimes really hurts.
Speaker 1:Yeah, Sylvia, it's interesting. To me not interesting, but I think that we all tend to. When terrible things happen, we all tend to look at ourselves and question why, what did I do? What was it?
Speaker 2:Right, like. What law am I not abiding by that could fix this? What do I need to do? What adjustments do I need to make in my life to course correct this, so that I never have to feel this ever again? I probably read my scriptures more during my pregnancy with Solomon than I did on my mission. Maybe I mean question marks, who knows.
Speaker 2:It was a while ago Just pleading and hoping and somehow, now that I see it with the eyes that I own now, I was trying to strong-arm God into giving me a healthy child. It was like an arm wrestle and it was like well, I'll give you more. I'll give you more. I'll give you my husband in the bishopric and I will give you three hours of study a day and I will give you temple visits every week and I will give you, if you give me, a healthy boy, I will do this for you. And I just gave my heart to him.
Speaker 2:And so when we found out, they were able to do a test in the hospital when I gave birth so literally, solomon was like less than 24 hours old they decided to do a test called the lactic acid test and the doctor came in and he said I'm so sorry, I'm so sorry. It came back really bad. And I remember just like I mean I had just had labor, I had just gone through the dramatic-ness of what it is to have a child and now I find that he's not going to stay with us, and they had to like put oxygen on my face and I just was falling apart. And I remember going into the bathroom, deciding, going to make the choice whether or not I was going to put my garments back on after having my child, and I was like what, for you didn't give it to me and I got this strong impression of keep to your covenants. That was it.
Speaker 2:Nothing more, nothing less. Not, I'm going to fix this and everything's going to be okay. It was just keep to your covenants. And I said okay, okay. And so we pulled ourselves up by our britches, as it were, and we were surrounded by incredible friends that really supported us during that time as much as they could, because, again, pandemic, you know. Yeah.
Speaker 1:Yeah, that would be such a hard time to be having a child, let alone a child with multiple problems.
Speaker 2:Issues.
Speaker 1:Yeah, and family that I'm sure wanted to be there and hold him and love on him. Yeah, that must have just been so difficult.
Speaker 2:Yeah, yeah, we luckily for us we had said anyone that wanted to come be with him. We needed to have everybody kind of quarantine, because that was back in the day when you just we just didn't know anything about COVID. And so we're so grateful that we did that, because then everyone we loved could come over and we felt really comfortable and happy and safe, letting them be with Solomon and have moments with Solomon, letting them be with Solomon and have moments with Solomon. And so I passed through a time of just really wondering what all this work and obedience and dedication to the gospel of Jesus Christ boiled down to, because I didn't get what I wanted. I didn't, things did not pan out for me the way that I wanted, and so I struggled for a while.
Speaker 2:I was fortunate enough to go to therapy for a while, and that instilled a hope of God will pave a way for things to work out in my favor. And that was hard for me to believe for a long time, that God would make things work in my favor, that one day he wouldn't pick on me anymore. I came to the understanding that God rules over this world. He has the capacity to change anything wrong with this world and Sometimes we just need the experience, and sometimes there are things that we don't understand that are better off because the bad has happened and I had feelings and impressions that things were going on on the other side that my boys needed to be there for, and things in the future. I received a blessing that the testimony of my children that are living will be helped by the children that are not living anymore, and so if I could guarantee that my children that are living now could have testimonies that will guide them through this earth, just because I went through some pain in the past, then that's okay. That's okay.
Speaker 2:When it came to the scripture that I shared about obedience though there was still that prick of man you did me dirty Like, oh man, I really feel like I gave this all my everything and I even talked about it. I was in a state conference and I was a leader at the time, and so I went to the leadership session of the conference and there was an Area 70 there and I shared with him, like he was talking about that scripture, and I was like, oh, perfect, I'm going to like raise my hand and like, hey, can you expound on this? Because it seems like sometimes I feel like I'm obedient and I like don't get what I want, and the crowd laughed at that, which was an interesting I mean. I guess I I try to hold on to the fact that I have a jovial. I don't know, maybe I said it in a joking matter, yeah, and so it was like ha ha ha.
Speaker 1:Well, they don't know the background of it, sure, but still Certainly.
Speaker 2:Absolutely. But it just was like ha ha ha, how'd that work out for you? You try to like arm wrestle with God, how did that work out? Kind of thing. And everyone just kind of laughed about it and I was like, wow, so who can I trust then about this? How can I get some clarity on this? And so I started, moments of doubt started coming into my mind of, well, maybe leadership is mortal. They are Absolutely.
Speaker 2:I'm not trying to say that the membership, the leadership of the church is infallible or perfect or anything like that. And it wasn't even this, this poor area 70, it was the entire crowd. It just just, I don't know. I just kind of read it as, like man, my leadership is not like supporting me and in what I need, and they're kind of old, so they're just maybe out of touch with what's going on, and so I was less inclined to listen to General Conference and I was less inclined to kind of heed the new things that were coming out. And then the General conference, right after I had that experience with the crowd, was April of 2022, where Eller Christofferson he's always been kind of a favorite, if I'm being honest. Are we allowed to have favorite?
Speaker 2:apostles he's always been kind of a favorite, and so it was poignant to me that it came from him and it's a talk entitled Our Relationship with God, and it's the one. I don't know if you remember this one, but it's the one where he talks about the vending machine. Yes, and so I'll just read a small part of this yes, and that's exactly what I was doing. That's exactly what I was doing is I was using my good works to ask God for the things that I wanted, and God, and so to hear that in general conference, exactly the thing that was on my brain it wasn't even the I mean, he's going to talk a little bit about this scripture that I was mentioning but it was exactly what was on my heart and mind and had been for the past few years. To hear that coming from an apostle of the Lord was jarring, almost Like stop what everybody's doing and listen to this, because Elder Christofferson got a talk and it was for Silvio Rico in Tennessee.
Speaker 1:Yeah, exactly I felt that way before. Yeah, yeah.
Speaker 2:Just built for me. And then he says God can and will fulfill all his promises. It is essential that we honor and obey his laws, but not every blessing predicated on obedience to law is shaped, designed and timed according to our expectations. We do our best, but must leave to him the management of blessings, both spiritual and temporal. And so to hear such a clear communication from my Heavenly Father about the exact thing that I was struggling with gave me hope that I could trust Him. Both Heavenly Father and I could trust the apostles and the prophet. It really restored my faith and my ability to believe that they had what was best in mind for me personally and my family personally.
Speaker 2:And so then, shortly thereafter, president Nelson had the let God prevail speech and the think celestial speech, and all these like several in a row of just like okay, am I in? If I really truly believe that God has called President Nelson and the apostles to be the guiding force in my life because obviously God is the guiding force in my life, but he needs a mouthpiece sometimes and if I believe that that is President Russell M Nelson, then we got to be all in, we just have to be, we have to commit 100% to be in and I found that as I did that out of love and honor, it became a joy to me instead of a manipulation tool which sound I mean even saying it just it makes me cringe at my old thinking and my old ways, thinking in my old ways. But just, of course God cannot be manipulated. Of course we're not.
Speaker 2:But once it became, I want to have a relationship with my Heavenly Father and I want to know more about His nature and I want to know more about why he would let two little boys come to my life and then take them back. There must be. It's less about this is what you did to me and more about what can I learn about the nature of God to help explain this? Because there's a misunderstanding and as I have come to that and understood and embraced that mode of thinking of this is not an attack, this is just a misunderstanding. My relationship with God has become much better and he has revealed the way that he operates to me more, and it turns out he really loves me and it turns out he really loves my children wherever they live, and it turns out he will use whatever medium he can to show me that, if I will, but open my eyes to it, that's beautiful Sylvia.
Speaker 1:You have such an amazing attitude that has just grown and blossomed. I can tell through what you've shared. When we had our pre-call, you talked about a couple of experiences that you had that just kind of showed the hand of the Lord.
Speaker 2:Absolutely, when we were moving to Tennessee. So we moved from Utah to Tennessee in 2021, my husband was given a moving stipend and we used that to hire a moving company to move all of our stuff so we didn't have to drive all of our belongings out here for the whatever 2,000 miles or whatever. We felt a little bit like it was the reverse pioneer thing, our reverse pioneer truck, and so we hired a company and I just kind of let my husband handle that. And it turns out that we had hired a company that was a scam. We hired a scam company to come take all of our belongings. My husband even like helped the guy with some of the boxes. They came to our storage unit and we like met the guy. We were kind of helping him load our boxes. He said I'm going to take the boxes first and then we'll come back for your furniture later.
Speaker 1:And we're like okay.
Speaker 2:So we took the boxes and we get to Tennessee and we're just, you know, kind of waiting for stuff to come our way and we keep calling in them and they're like, well, you know, it's the pandemic, we keep getting our drivers sick and it's just, you know, really bogged down right now. It's probably going to be a few more weeks, that kind of thing. And we just had to be patient and understand to be a few more weeks, that kind of thing. And we just had to be patient and understand. We were trying to be very patient and understanding because the pandemic just put a wrench in the system of everybody's lives and so we were patient with it. And we were sleeping on air mattresses and then we got a call from our storage unit saying that we hadn't. They were charging us for the next month because we hadn't gotten all of our stuff out. And we were like, wait a minute, what? Like that's so weird. They said that they went back and like got all of our furniture, and that's really weird. Okay, yeah, no problem, we just we had some family go pick up our furniture, which is fine, and now we're like smelling something in the water, like what is going on? Like where's our stuff? Can you figure? Can you like? Is there a tracking number? What can we do? We moved in August.
Speaker 2:Around the end of October we decided it's gone, all our stuff is gone. So that meant I mean just to express the gravity of all of this that was all of our stuff that belonged to our children that had died, all of their, you know, like little outfits that we had saved, like beautiful notes that people had written to us, like all of their little toys and belongings, all the stuff from our missions, all the stuff that I had inherited from people who have now passed on my grandparents and great-grandparents. All of that was just gone. Everything was gone. Even I think that one of the more annoying was all of our plates and our pots. And you know, it's just like we were kind of making do, but it's like, oh man, I don't own a blender anymore. It's ridiculous. But like, obviously, the gravity of, like, the memory that we have of our boys is gone, it's just gone and there's nothing we can do about it.
Speaker 2:And then, right, probably like oh, two weeks before Christmas, so in October, that's when we had kind of decided like, okay, there's nothing to be done, we just got to give up. And right before Christmas we got a call and they said are you the parents of Malcolm, rico? And we're like Malcolm, who knows Malcolm? This is a child who had passed away several years ago. Who I mean? Yeah, yes, that is us, that's us.
Speaker 2:And this lady said we found all your stuff. It was abandoned in a storage unit and they're gonna set it sell it for auction next week. But I decided to go through it and see if there was any any anything that I could communicate with whoever this person was. And I picked up it was a hospital bill from when Malcolm had been in the hospital, and so our little angel just took care of us and let us have all of our stuff back, and so we were able to salvage everything. They hadn't stolen anything, it was just the money. I mean, they just wanted the money. They just drove our stuff down the street and threw it into a storage unit and drove away, and all of our stuff was there. Everything was accounted for, and our little Malcolm was the one accounted for, and our little Malcolm was the one, just the beautiful sound of his name being the hope and blessing that everything was restored. It was beautiful.
Speaker 1:Wow, to have that happen right before Christmas too. What a beautiful, beautiful gift.
Speaker 2:Yeah.
Speaker 1:And just such a tender mercy from the Lord. I love how the Lord weaves this tapestry through our lives and, like you said, if we have the eyes to see, it can be really, really incredible yeah.
Speaker 2:It's such a beautiful experience and it's a beautiful thing to be part of. Yeah, honestly, what a travesty if you miss it. It's sad to know that there are people missing the little hints that God is, the little fingerprints that God is putting in our lives. I mean, obviously there's a time in people's lives that they maybe can't see it and they can't feel the light, and we pray for them. But if it is at all within our power to see the divine fingerprints of such a masterful creator, just he creates experiences too. He created everything that we own and that we see, and he creates lives and he creates experiences and he creates opportunities if we will but heed them, and I'm so grateful that I kept to my covenants.
Speaker 1:Yeah, I love that. Sylvia, thank you so much for sharing your experiences and just being so real and vulnerable. I know that's really really difficult, but this has been amazing and just such a testimony of the Lord turning things to our favor. I think. Tell me again how old Lorenzo is now.
Speaker 2:Yeah, Lorenzo is two. He'll be three in October.
Speaker 1:What was that feeling like when you got pregnant with Lorenzo? It was spicy, I'll tell you that for sure.
Speaker 2:It was a lot of prayer, and you know, what's so fascinating is so we got all of our stuff back. It was around Christmas. So we decided to go to Utah for Christmas because literally all of our belongings were in Utah. And so we're like, okay, well, let's go to Utah, let's fly home for Christmas. And we saw all of our stuff and Lincoln and I both the first thing that we saw was our crib and we were like we need to fill that crib again, um, and so that was the first step of us making that decision, choosing to to make that decision again. We just both it was so funny, both of us at the same time like, oh, there's the crib, like, oh, that's like we saved our crib that all of our boys have, you know, been in. And so that was kind of the first step.
Speaker 2:I did get pregnant, and then it was kind of nerve wracking to know that things could go south again and we just I don't know if you call it bury your head in the sand or if you call it blind faith or if you call it just kind of pressing forward and not letting the genetic testing while I was pregnant, and so up to that point was pretty nerve wracking. Just, oh man, which way is this going to go? Because it really it's funny had had passed away. So we're like, oh, it's 50, 50, it's not, it's, there's the 75 is like above failing grade, um, but it was still just felt really nerve-wracking and so when we got the call that he was not going to be affected, I think I probably sighed the biggest sigh of relief in my entire life. And he has been such a joy.
Speaker 2:And what is simply fascinating, here's another, just like detail that God just chooses to create. We obviously my husband is Hispanic and I am a light haired, green eyed, white woman, and so we get kind of a real gamble. You know, like the genetic. It's really fun to see our kids. My oldest looks in coloring like me, but in physical form exactly like my husband. Just copy-paste the face, structure, the build, everything is just like my husband, but just painted like me. And then Malcolm was more like me. And then Malcolm was more like me. He, he had a kind of anyway, like bigger eyes and and that kind of thing, but he had dark, dark hair like my husband and dark, dark eyes like my husband.
Speaker 2:He was just oh my goodness, the cutest thing. And then Solomon had blue eyes and like no hair. You know, babies can be bald. My first two had lots of hair, but Solomon anyway, I'm getting to the point, I promise. But he had blue eyes and just like my kind of thinner face and really olive skin, kind of like darker skin. And so when Lorenzo was born I looked at him and I was like you look exactly like Solomon. It was almost scary to me. I thought I was holding Solomon and then he would open his eyes and he had eyes exactly like Malcolm and I couldn't believe it. I was like I have right here the mix of these two boys that I lost. I may not ever know in this life what my boys would have looked like when they were grown, but I'm going to get a glimpse of it because of Lorenzo. Just beautiful, absolutely beautiful. That I get to experience that with Lorenzo. He's been a very healing influence in our lives.
Speaker 1:Yeah, I can imagine that. I thought it was a beautiful tribute. I saw on Facebook a few months ago that you had asked for memories of Solomon. You'd ask people to comment yeah, to comment, and I love that. What a beautiful way to preserve that memory. Yeah.
Speaker 2:Yeah, it was especially tricky because, like I had mentioned, solomon was during the pandemic and so I felt like nobody knew him. I was the sole carrier of his memory, which, if anyone has lost anybody that is close to you, being the only person to remember somebody is a really heavy load. It just feels very heavy. And so I reached out to people and a lot of people. Some people commented and some people DM'd me and some people called and some people texted me and it was beautiful to hear the memories and to know that I wasn't alone in the memory of this person who everybody that I will ever meet will never know. They will never know him because he's no longer here.
Speaker 1:Yeah, yeah, that is, I think, a beautiful way to just end on that positive note. We just never know the impact that we have on people. In his little short life he made an impact and will continue to make an impact.
Speaker 2:Both of your boys Coping mechanisms maybe that you use I think the most important thing to keep in mind is that you don't have to feel good every day, it doesn't have to be an everyday thing, but just keep to your covenants. I mean, I remember that so poignantly and it's been such a foundational ever since that time, a foundational saying for me and just giving myself the space and grace to worship in the way that I need to in the time that I need to. Coping mechanisms I found to be really helpful were journaling, obviously, just being able to air out my grievances, as it were, with God and having it be a moment of communion with God. My journal, well, it's a burn journal, if I'm being honest. My burn journal typically starts out with a lot of anger and winds its way into understanding and knowledge and light, and so just because you're feeling angry now doesn't mean that light is not accessible if you want it, and so just kind of channeling that energy into something productive like journaling, like praying, like going to the temple, like serving someone who is experiencing something different than you and I say specifically different, because we cannot compare trials, you know.
Speaker 2:I mean everyone. There will always, as they say, there's always going to be someone harder off than you. Quote unquote. And it's funny, being the the family who lost two kids, it's like, oh well, they have the hardest, so at least my life it. Just it felt I don't know if that makes any sense we felt like we're the bottom of the barrel and so there are obviously, we're obviously not starving and we can provide for our children, and so we're really grateful for that, and I so I feel like serving people who are experiencing life differently than us is the way to see how God handles that. Okay, this sweet family is experiencing a divorce. How does God show up for that? And how can I be a vessel to show up in that moment?
Speaker 1:And so yeah, I don't know if that answers the question. Oh, such great advice, I think, and I love how you've shown up today. Thank, you. We've been a long time coming.
Speaker 2:Yes.
Speaker 1:We've been talking for a few years about doing it.
Speaker 2:And I am just so grateful.
Speaker 1:I have so much gratitude for you for doing this and just really showing up, because I think, like you said, everyone has something and we all can learn and grow from what we've been through, and it is only through sharing our stories that we can do that.
Speaker 1:So thank you so much, absolutely, um. That is the end of our episode today, and I'm so happy that you've all joined us, and I hope that you've gotten something out of it. Please like and share the podcast. That's how we help others to find it, and we will talk to you all again soon.