[00:00] Katie: Welcome back to the Focus B show. This is Katie Sudddhart here, aka the Focus B, and on this show I interview high performers and leaders around the world to discover their secrets on peak performance, productivity, mindfulness, and leadership. So if you want to take your performance and your leadership to the next level, then you're in the right place. Listen up and connect with the magic.

[00:36] Katie: It is a wonderful pleasure to have Andrea Sandu on the show today. Andrea is the author of the book The Introvert Who Could, and she supports introverts to manage overthinking energy, depletion, and lack of confidence. She is also a high performance coach. Welcome to the show, Andrea. Thank you so much for joining. It's a real pleasure to have you here today.

[01:00] Andreea: Thank you very much for having me.

[01:03] Katie: It's wonderful. And as I was saying, a bit off air. I haven't done a single episode on being introverted. The strengths of it, the maybe challenges that come with being introvert. So I'm really excited about today's episode. You recently wrote a book the Introvert Who Could. Maybe you could show it if you have it here.

[01:25] Andreea: I have plenty of copies on my desk, so obviously yes, here it is. And it covers a lot on how to overcome the challenges of being an introverted person, but also really how to take care of yourself without trying to change who you are. Because being an introverted person is not a bad thing. Sometimes we only think about the negatives of being introverted, but there are so many positive aspects to it. So let's really try to focus on the positives and on the negatives, fix whatever we can fix and get better, if that's what you want. And in terms of challenges, probably the ones that people will resonate the most are overthinking. We can get ourselves exhausted by thinking about the same thing over and over again. Then there's the emotional piece that comes with our social interactions, especially if we overdo it and we don't take time afterwards to recover. These are the main things that I cover in the book. And after going through this more mindset stuff, I do have a section in which I say, okay, if you really want to get better at your social interactions, public speaking, networking, here are some tips. But first, let's take care of the other things so you have the energy to do it.

[03:12] Katie: So do you feel that overthinking is a challenge that's mostly for introverted or also extroverted?

[03:21] Andreea: I'm pretty sure it can be a challenge for everyone for introverts, because we do spend a lot of time in our heads. It can be more apparent. But overthinking can come from simply being human. We have a brain that's designed to always look out for danger and try to keep you surviving. This is how we evolved. And so it's always doing something. And if you don't realize that, you can go into spinning mode worry is a very, very good example. We can spend so much time just worrying about stuff that we don't even have enough time to think about the good things that we want to create because we're there just focusing on everything that can go wrong. But yes, because introverts think more, we need more time to even process information before making decisions, even before saying something in a meeting. We don't feel just comfortable just saying things. We need to think about it a little bit, process it and then say it out loud. And because of that, yeah, we might get into overthinking.

[04:57] Katie: So it might be slightly more common or slightly more frequent with introversal, although obviously everyone can be subject to overthinking. So what are some of your tips and ideas around how to reduce that right? How to maybe reduce the worries, anxiety that come with it, and to sort of stop and calm down that overthinking aspect?

[05:21] Andreea: One thing that's very available to everyone is to reduce the number of decisions you need to make. You can plan ahead, you can create boundaries for yourself. Boundaries, even though they seem restrictive, especially when you do it to yourself, can help a lot. Even. I like to give the example of a dog, usually because we create rules for the dogs, but they're not upset about it. They're really happy that they know what they can do or cannot do and then they can focus on other things. The rules are good, boundaries are good, and I think about them as decisions you make ahead of time, like something you decided and you don't have to think about it anymore. Any sort of planning works exactly the same. This is why we hear a lot from successful people that they don't stress about what they're going to wear and what they're going to eat. They just plan it before and it's done and you don't have to think about it anymore. That's a load that just disappears from your brain. The other thing is becoming more of a watcher of your thoughts than the processor. We have loads of thoughts. You don't have to stop and really process each one of them. You can just let them pass. This is something that we learn a lot in meditation and mindfulness, because once you see them as just sentences that run into your brain, you don't have to believe all of them, they're just there. But as long as you don't pay, not necessarily not pay attention, just not grab onto them, you also don't feel the emotions that come with them, because you only feel anxiety and worry once you stop and believe all those thoughts. So as long as you become more of a watcher, then some of that load disappears as well and you're already a happier person. And even when you do notice the thoughts, knowing that they're normal can also help you a lot to feel better. As I was saying, with worry. Once you understand that it's a very natural human emotion and reaction, you don't tend to believe it that much anymore when you know that, oh, every human being feels this way because your mind is designed to look for danger and to look to find the negative and the danger in everything. But that doesn't make it true. There's no real danger anymore. Most of the stress that we experience nowadays is emotional. There's no bear chasing us in the cave, so just knowing that, okay, yes, this is normal, but I don't have to feel like this. They're just thoughts and they can stay there, but I don't have to believe them.

[09:13] Katie: Yes, I love this. And it's true that when you practice meditation, it trains you to get a bit of that detachment from those thoughts. It's always a great reminder that we don't have to believe them. And like you said, we don't have to grab onto them, hold and actually just watch all of them and think, oh, actually this is a valid thought, either a valid idea or a valid concern that we can ding on further. But a lot of it is just noise, a lot of it is just things going on, memories coming back, future vague concern, a worry that we used to have that maybe we no longer have, but from time to time comes back because our brain is used. So I feel it's not necessarily a real issue that's going on in our mind, but more habits of thinking, and so being able to detach from them is really useful. So love what you just shared. I feel it's so insightful and I think even for people who know it, even for people who practice meditation, just remembering, just remembering, okay, we can detach from these thoughts. They're not necessarily true. I don't have to get absorbed by them.

[10:21] Andreea: Yes. One of the tools that I love the most for this is journaling. Just unload your brain of everything you're thinking, and once you see it on paper, you can see how silly some of those things are. But when you're in your mind only, they seem so urgent and so important. But once you see them on paper, you're like, that's not something that I should be thinking about or worrying about. So, yeah, journaling and mindfulness are two really good ways to deal with this.

[11:05] Katie: And the other topic you mentioned was around energy depletion. So what are some of your important advice for energy? Energy boosting or after energy depletion?

[11:16] Andreea: I guess you have to think about it proactively most of the time, and it probably is probably different for everyone, and you have to know yourself a lot. Okay, how much can I handle before I need to take breaks? So you can incorporate breaks in your schedule already. So, for example, as I prepare my week, I usually have a couple of days of meetings and events where I need to show up or be on camera, prepare ahead of time. But then I try to have three days when if I could just stay in my pajamas, I could stay in my pajamas. So really, knowing yourself and how much you can handle would be really important. Unfortunately, we find this out after we burn out a little bit. And I remember when I started coaching, after I left my previous business, the first week, I think I scheduled twelve one on ones in a week, and at the end I didn't want to get out of bed anymore. All I wanted to do is go and sit on my bed and watch Netflix for the rest of the weekend. Which was not possible anyway, because I have a toddler that I need to take care of. But now I know, okay, that cannot happen. Or if there are times or seasons in my life when I do need to do that, that's fine, but I know that cannot be my life every single week. I couldn't handle it. So I designed my ideal week in a way that I have both social interactions, but also enough time to recover afterwards, or do activities that are still business related, but not customer facing.

[13:39] Katie: Yes. So it's knowing yourself and being able to anticipate and assess how much time you'll need, how much alone time, how much socializing, to sort of suit your own preferences. I feel that that's probably where the key lies.

[13:55] Andreea: Right? Because sometimes people think introversion means I don't want to be with others at all. That's not the case. We have possibly less relationships, but the ones we have, we do cherish them, and we want to spend time with people, just probably not as much as others. But we do want to have that element, too. Yes.

[14:25] Katie: It's a really important point, I think, what you said about knowing, because that really supports everything from your own well being to exactly maintaining those social interactions, those connections that are important. And I think that, as you said, we probably only realize what our ideal week is once we experience that form of small burnout or that form of struggle. So it's not really surprising in some ways, because often we need to test our limits to discover that these are our limits. I did exactly the same thing as you, but in reverse, because I'm highly extroverted, I need a lot of social connection. And then there was a time where it wasn't convenient, and I just moved, and I was doing a lot of online work. I thought, that's fine, I don't need to socialize all the time, I can stop for a bit. And then, of course, that didn't suit me at all, and my energy was very low. And so I feel that, yes, it works either if you're introvert, extrovert, whatever your preferences are, knowing what do you need to nourish, your energy is so important.

[15:34] Andreea: Yeah. And as I said, even if there are seasons when you have to get more social interactions as an introvert, knowing that this is just temporary, we're going to go back. I call it the introvert cave, just that space or even activity that you enjoy to get that energy that you need back.

[16:05] Katie: What are some of the other struggles that introverts have? So we've spoken around now, around energy depletion. We also spoke about overthinking in your book. What are some of the other aspects that you mentioned that are very common that show up when you're working with people who are introverted?

[16:25] Andreea: One interesting thing that I noticed as I was doing my research, I did quite a few interviews with people and I asked, okay, what's something that you find challenging? To just see if I can find some commonalities. And I realized that we have a lot of trouble asking for help, especially if it's just a favor. So not something that we pay for or not something that other people should do for us. But asking for a favor seems to be super scary for an introvert. And I think it's because we feel that we're going to be in debt and we have to repay the favor for the other person. But even just saying the words out, you asking someone to do something for you. I feel that's a struggle with this, the solution is probably very personal for everyone. The things that I recommend looking into when you want to understand why you're having trouble asking for help is, one, the way you were raised and what does asking for help mean for you? Sometimes we were raised thinking that if you ask for help, you're weak and you have to do it all on your own because otherwise you're not good enough. And obviously, if you never ask for help, what tends to happen is physical burnout because we have to do everything on our own. And the other element, the other belief that I ask people to look into when it comes to asking for help is do you feel worthy of having that help from the other person? Are you open to receiving help? Sometimes we are not. And you can see it in the smallest things. Even if I'm sick and I know that my husband will have to take care of me or will have to do things around that I normally do, it's terrible in my head, it's so terrible. And I'm giving this example because it was the example where I saw the growth in myself because very recently I was sick and I was able to say, please, can you do this for me? Because I am sick and I cannot do it. So yes, asking for favors, and I'm curious if that's the case for you too, or really is an introverted thing interesting?

[19:25] Katie: Yes, well, my husband's introverted and I think he struggles more than me and I'm extroverted, so maybe there's a link, but I don't know if it's also personality wise. I think in general, quite a few people struggle with asking for help. And like you said, it could be linked to self worth or just fear. Fear of rejection, I think is extremely common in all ways. And of course, there's always the possibility that someone will say no or reject. So it's an interesting one. So how do you think people can improve on this? What needs to happen for people to improve? Asking for favors and asking for help.

[20:06] Andreea: If it's related to self worth, definitely work there. It's just your work, it's not related to anyone else. This is your internal struggle. And if that's the case, you might see it in other areas of your life too. For example, when you go shopping, do you shop for other people but don't shop for yourself? Or if you hire a cleaner, do you do some cleaning before he or she comes? You can see some other behaviors related to self worth. The other thing is, as you said, dealing with the possibility of rejection and knowing that most of the time the other person's reaction has nothing to do with you. Rejection is rarely personal. If I can give the example of being in a corporate job and asking maybe for a raise or a promotion, and them saying no to you might have nothing to do with your performance. It might be budget or having a different to promote list and someone else is at the top. It doesn't have to be related to you. And yeah, working on this rejection is not personal. Belief would totally help out even with saying no to other people, but also asking for help. Because you know that whatever they say, however they react, is based on their own view of the world, their personality, their thoughts and beliefs. It's like looking at one thing and you know that many different people will have different opinions, but the thing that you're looking at is very neutral. Yes, it's all very personal.

[22:25] Katie: It's true. It's not really ever personal, I think, when it comes to rejection. So I think knowing that and I feel it's hard, I feel it's hard and it's so easy to take things personally because they matter, right? Someone asking for promotion, maybe for them it's super important. Maybe they've been working towards it for six months and it's something they've been thinking about a lot. And then when he know, of course they take it at heart. But it's like you said, there can be so many different reasons and it's very rarely something specifically personal against a person. So that's a very interesting one. So I think we've covered quite a few things here around introverts struggles and challenges. So we've talked about the overthinking, also the energy depletion and asking for favors. What are some of the introverts superpowers? Because you mentioned at the beginning that we often over underestimate them. So if we did the whole episode on just the weaknesses or the challenges, then we'd also be underestimating some of the huge strengths that come with being an introvert.

[23:31] Andreea: Exactly. Well, if we start exactly how we started the challenges, I would say thinking is one of the superpowers and you can use thinking for your advantage. This is how we plan things. This is how we have visions for our businesses. Daydreaming is super important to create things we have in our lives. Everything that you have, everything that you experience starts in your mind. The better the thoughts, the better the results you'll have in your life. Thinking is a superpower for sure. The second one would be listening skills. Obviously I'm not demonstrating this today because I'm the one talking, but I would normally be on the other end listening to people. And because you have good listening skills as an introvert, you're able to be a better leader, manager, even salesperson. We might have this false impression that because you're an introvert, you can't sell because you don't speak too much. But actually neither being extremely introverted or extremely extroverted works well in sales. You have to be kind of in the middle, but when you are capable of listening to the person that you're talking to, you're able to see what they need so you can sell it to them. Introverts can be great salespeople. Another good quality that we have, though I wouldn't say it's for all introverts, but empathy, the ability to understand how the other person feels so you can connect with them and actually connection. Deep relationships are also on the very positive aspects list. And one more that I want to mention is creativity. And again, that starts with the mind being able to produce lots of amazing things in the world, both artistic but also even great engineers have been introverts.

[26:19] Katie: Yeah, that's a great point and I'd forgotten that we have this in common. We both have an engineering background, so we both have a tech and engineering background. Yes. Love this aspect of the creativity and also the thinking, maybe in a more rational business way. I feel that they are definitely strength of introverts. And for those of you who are listening, who may be curious about introverts but are actually extroverts like me, we have a lot to learn in terms of introverts friends and peers. Like you said, the listening skills that I learned when I did my coaching helps me a lot in the podcast and in coaching. And I actually enjoy listening as much as talking. Who knew that was possible? And yes, and the creativity and the thinking skills, a lot of really amazing things. Well, time has already gone by. It flew by. Thank you so much, Andrea. This was fantastic. Before we leave, before we go, where can people find you and what are your last words to finish today's episode?

[27:22] Andreea: Well, I am active on LinkedIn and on Instagram and you can find me by my name. Just don't forget to put two E's in Andrea. I know it's not a typical name, but it will probably help you find me easier. So, yeah, LinkedIn, Instagram and my website is myname.com. You can find all the links, including how to order the book, if you're interested in understanding more about introverts and how, if you're introvert, how you can use your superpowers to create anything that you want in the world.

[28:11] Katie: Amazing. Thank you so much, Andrea. It's been a real pleasure. And yes, lovely talking about this topic. It's such an important and relevant topic. Thank you so much for being on the show today.

[28:22] Andreea: Thank you for having me.

[28:28] Katie: Thank you so much for tuning in today to the Focus Be show. I would absolutely love to hear your feedback. So let me know in an Apple review or YouTube comment what was most valuable for you, and feel free to share this episode with a friend or a family member. Wishing you a wonderful, magical and focused day ahead.