[00:01] Welcome to The Focus B Show, where Katie Stoddart high performance coach, interviews experts around the world in performance and mindfulness. Now, here's your host. Katie.

[00:34] Welcome to a brand new episode of the Focus B show. I am very excited today to talk about a very interesting topic self discipline. There are a lot of misconceptions regarding self discipline, particularly the one that believes that we have to push and force, and this is what self discipline is all about. Today I'd like to discuss a little more specifically self discipline from a yin perspective, from a feminine perspective, and not from a yang and forcing perspective. What does that mean? We all tend to believe that having self discipline means that we need to push ourselves in order to achieve great results. The bottom line is that self discipline really is about honoring our commitments, and often this is related to reaching our long term goals and sacrificing short term pleasures. There are several methods that you can use to be more aware and more yin like when approaching self discipline. This begins with self acceptance. The difference between a forcing type of self discipline and a more gentle approach is linked to self acceptance and self kindness. The tendency is to push ourselves because of self hatred, because we're not satisfied with who we are at the moment. This leads to this common view, as I just mentioned, of forcing ourselves in terms of self discipline. A very common example is maybe a person who's overweight and they force themselves to exercise more or eat more healthily simply because they hate their body and current condition. To have a more gentle approach in terms of self discipline is to embrace, first of all, as I just mentioned, self acceptance. To accept yourself as you are right now in the example of a person losing weight, it would be to accept that this is the weight they have, to embrace the body they have, and then from that perspective, start to implement a healthier diet and a healthier exercise routine because they know it's good for their body. The difference that I have seen between these two approaches is that if we have this forcing attitude, what can happen is after a while we get discouraged or we rebel against it. It's this sort of superego telling us what to do, and after a while we reject it. Whereas if we have a kinder approach to ourselves, we're more likely to stick through with it. Two, three pillars that can help you to have this self kindness self acceptance approach to self discipline, first of all is to look at what is it that you want to change, what is it where you need this self discipline, these goals, these aspirations, what are they? And then look, if the root cause is linked to self hatred, rejection, or from a self acceptance perspective, as I just mentioned very regularly, it's actually because it's an area of our life that we're not happy about and an area of ourselves that we don't like. So the first pillar is really to transit from this self hatred, from this rejection towards self acceptance. You can do this either by working with a therapist or a coach or on your own by journaling, meditating, introspecting and starting to just accept that this is where you are right now and this is where you need to be and that's okay, and that you have aspirations and goals is fantastic. But right now this is the point you're at. This is the very first pillar transiting from this rejection attitude towards this acceptance. Once you have embraced this self acceptance and you are in a place where you feel happier with yourself, then you can move to the second pillar, which is awareness. This is when you start to notice what triggers you to commit, to continue to have that self discipline. And what, on the other hand, enables you to actually or prevents you from actually following through, from actually committing. Looking at examples in your life where in the example of having a healthier diet, you notice that you're particularly good at following through with this or that you tend to relapse and indulge in a lot of unhealthy foods. Having very strong awareness will really help you with the third pillar that we'll discuss in just a moment because this is where instead of being all judgmental and mean to yourself and having all that negative self talk, you'll actually embrace once more this self acceptance but also understand why you have certain behaviors. You might notice that when you're under a lot of stress, you use food as comfort. This is very useful information because in the future you can use this and think, okay, what can you replace food with when you're feeling stressed? Having really strong self awareness is, as I mentioned, one of the fundamental pillars for a kinder self discipline approach. And in general, if you want to have any sort of change in your life, if you want to change anything about the way you function or anything at all, having self awareness is a huge, huge help. And it's not actually just a help, it's fundamental. So this is the second pillar. The first pillar is self acceptance. The second pillar is the awareness. And the last pillar is really where the strategy takes place. This is where you will actually put the steps in place to build that self discipline. For this, you need to first understand why is it that you want to have self discipline in this area of your life. I've mentioned food and exercise as examples but it can also be building your meditation practice, it can also be having healthier relationships, whatever it is, looking at what area is it you're particularly focused on at the moment then why is it that you want to achieve these goals or aspirations? What are the benefits? Because if you're not 100% clear on the purpose and the why behind it. This will make it very difficult for you to have the self discipline you'll relapse. You'll go back to your old patterns so clearly understand what it is you want to change. Why is it you'd like to change this and then putting in place a strategy. This is very often related to building these habits because self discipline is a muscle and like any muscle, it benefits from habits. Having also a very clear vision of where you want to go, what your future will look like and what you are aspiring towards will help you a lot to build these habits and this strategy, I repeat the three pillars. First, self awareness, self acceptance. First of all, self acceptance. Then self awareness. And then the strategy, the habits, the implementation side of things. Let's look at an example as someone who wants to build a meditation practice to make a change from exercise or healthy diet, let's look at meditation. When you first begin meditation, maybe it could be because you have an anger issue. Let's say for example, and you've read and heard a lot, that to help you manage this anger and these impulses, it could really help you to meditate at first. You might feel a bit of this rejection towards that part of yourself. It might be linked to uncomfortable feelings, to uncomfortable moments in your life. And you might have a lot of anger and anger towards the fact that you're angry. The sort of frustration and annoyance of the fact that you snap or you're frustrated or you get annoyed so easily. That's where the first step is so important to acknowledge that this is where you're at, to also understand that it has served you so far or you wouldn't have done it. Maybe it helps you to feel protected or safe and that's okay. And to also see why you want to change this, what this will lead you to be calmer, have healthier relationships, feel less stressed. Once you've really accepted where you are, once you're able to show kindness towards yourself. And this is tricky, it might sound easy, it definitely is tricky, but it can be done. Once you're able to do that, then from that space, starting to build your meditation practice. And as you do this, becoming aware of when you struggle most, maybe when you're feeling stressed, maybe when you feel you have too much to do and you can't afford that time in your own mind. So noticing building that awareness and then putting in place the habit. Now habits, a whole other conversation. An easy way to begin is to just build the habit of two minutes or five minutes before increasing the time. First building the habit and then building the length of time. But this is a topic for a whole other video or audio show. So that would be a way where you could build your meditation practice in this example, using acceptance, awareness and the action part, the strategy and implementation. This is how, instead of forcing yourself every time to achieve a goal, you can have just as much, if not more self discipline, but from a place of self acceptance, from a kindness place, from a mindful perspective. This is such an interesting topic because for years, I know I have struggled and I've seen many of my clients struggle to have that right balance of pressure, that point where you want to achieve these goals, you want to be driven and committed, and yet you feel you're pushing yourself. You feel you're rejecting an aspect of yourself. This is very common with hyperachievers, very common to be very driven by performance and therefore to at the same time reject a part of you that you feel is weak or not performing as well as you'd like it to. Combining both by having the self acceptance and the discipline and high performance really helps you to feel both more fulfilled and also more accomplished, but from a happier place inside and not from rejecting the pots inside. I hope this has been useful for you. Please let me know in the comments what has been your main insight from today's show and please leave a review to let other people know. How are you benefiting from this show? What are you learning? How are you enjoying it? This means a lot, me and the audience, so we can build a community around these types of topics. Thank you so much for being here today. Thank you for listening. Bye.

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