Episode #138 - Stop playing the victim! - REBOOT #73

Episode Notes: 

When things go wrong in your world, does it feel like it’s not really your fault? 

 Does it seem as though you have no control over situations or that the world is out to get you? 

 You may not realize it, but these are classic examples of a “victim mindset” or a “victim mentality”. 

Are you stuck in the rut of victim mentality? Tired of blaming others and circumstances for your lack of progress? This episode is a wake-up call. Drawing from my lifetime in the “people-business” side of the collision industry, I shed light on this widespread mindset that suffocates initiative and growth, affecting individuals regardless of their income or responsibility status. I outline the cornerstone beliefs that hallmark the victim mentality and arm you with practical ways to quit the blame game and kickstart positive change in your life.  

 Join us this week, as we re-share Episode 73, and explore the signs, attitudes and even some of the benefits (really?) that some of those around you, or even yourself might be experiencing, when you’re stuck in that negative funk of playing the victim. We’ll also explore some ideas & suggestions to help you, or others around you, get rid of that victim mindset and gain back control over life!   

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Chapters

• 0:00 Overcoming Victim Mentality and Taking Control
• 10:53 Overcoming Victim Mentality
• 15:50 Understanding and Overcoming Victim Mentality

Transcript

Rick: 0:00

The real truth is that life will never, ever, ever stop giving us challenges, and if you feel as though nothing you do makes any Differences, you are completely helpless and unable to do anything about these challenges, then you'll be climbing an uphill battle the rest of your life. The good news is that it's not an inherited trait. Rather, you've learned to behave this way at one time. You're likely a victim, but you don't have to continue being a victim. Learned behaviors could be unlearned to.

Rick: 0:30

Welcome to the mind wrench podcast with your host, rick Selover, where minor adjustments produce major improvements and mindset Personal growth and success. This is the place to be every Monday, where we make small improvements and take positive actions in our business and personal lives that will make a major impact in our success. Next level growth and quality of life.

Rick: 1:00

Hey, what's up everybody? Welcome back to another episode of the mind wrench podcast. I'm your host, rick Selover. Thanks so much for tuning in and spending a few minutes with me today, and if you haven't done so already, please hit the subscribe button so you never miss another episode.

Rick: 1:14

Well, something I noticed a while back, during the middle of a pandemic centered culture we are in, was something that I just haven't understood for decades, but seems to be coming more and more prevalent in our society every single day. Seems many of us have found it way too easy to point the finger of blame at anybody else we can think of when things don't work out like we thought they would, or some mishap falls our way, or we suffer a setback, a disruption of normal life, a major problem or a challenge we just don't want to try to overcome. It seems we forget when you point the finger of blame at someone else, there's three fingers pointing right back at you, right? This new woke culture, as the media refers to it as, or whatever you want to call it, where we just don't take, or won't take, responsibility for what's really within our control to manage, seems to have gotten worse since just a year and a half ago. Hell, we don't want to take responsibility for anything anymore, as my life is centered around the collision world. I see it every single day, and not just at the shop level, at the supplier level and even the manufacturers level as well. Anyway, I shared a message back in early 2022 that I thought would be worth resharing this week about what it means to have a victim mentality, what those telltale signs are and, most importantly, I share some tactical Suggestions how to stop playing the victim and get you moving in the right direction. So let's travel back to February 2022, episode number 73 Stop playing the victim.

Rick: 2:49

I think we all know at least one person, more often at several people in our lives that when something in their world goes wrong, something doesn't work out the way they planned or goes completely kiddy wampus From something very small, like a friend or co-worker talking a little smack about them behind their back, or one of their kids Scraped offender on their car in the garage with his bike, or maybe something a little bigger, like they had a major appliance break, caught a bad cold or flew, had to miss work for a week or was re-rendered at a stoplight, or even possibly something really bad or traumatic happened. They lost their job, had a flood destroy their home, suffered a major medical event like a heart attack, went through a divorce, totaled their car, lost a family member they would always say without fail something like this Stuff, like this, always happens to me. It wasn't for bad luck, I'd have no luck at all. Great, what else is gonna go wrong? See the world's conspiring against me again. Why does God hate me?

Rick: 3:51

They immediately take the position of defense against a world that's out to get them right. Life is always giving them lemons. These things always seem to happen to just me, not my neighbors or friends, just me. There's nothing I could do about it. It's out of my control, can't you see? I'm the victim here. This, my friends, is a classic example of a victim mindset or victim mentality. Do you constantly feel as though you have no control over situations or other people that are out to get you, or do you feel as though bad things keep happening to you no matter what you do? If you find yourself blaming other people for events or situations in your life, you may be struggling with the same thing a victim mentality or a victim's mindset.

Rick: 4:38

In my 40 plus years of being in the collision industry, both in body shops and the distribution world. I've seen many displays of this victim mindset or victim mentality, and I've seen it at every level of income and responsibility, from CEO or owner to porter or delivery driver. Whether it's the shop owner complaining how the evil insurance adjusters screwing them over again and not paying them for the work that they do, or it's the whiny tech that's bitching year after year that he never gets enough hours and can't make any money, or the job erupt that can't find any good prospects because all the quote unquote good shops are buying from so and so. Really, to the body shop customer with a very popular elite model SUV that is boiling mad that her car won't be ready to pick up tomorrow because that stupid shop can't seem to find a part that's been on national back order for two months from the manufacturer. They all have that same disease a victim mentality or a victim mindset. Why me? This is just not fair. I certainly can't do anything about it. It's not my fault. Well, somebody better do something. Sounds pretty familiar, doesn't it? I hear these things almost daily.

Rick: 5:52

Those with a victim mindset usually hold these five key beliefs. Number one bad things have happened in the past and will continue to happen to me. Two others are to blame for my misfortunes. Three there is no point in trying to make a change because it will not work. Number four nobody cares about me or what happened to me. And five I have no choice about what happens to me. Now I must confess, as positive a person as I am now, in the past I've been guilty of thinking, talking and acting the same way at times in my own life, and if we're being 100% honest with ourselves, I bet everyone listening right now has too.

Rick: 6:35

Alright, have you ever looked in the mirror and said to yourself how come I'm not further along than this? Or why can't I ever seem to get ahead? You're frustrated with life, unsure of your future, wanting to make a change in your current situation, but too scared to make that next move. Maybe you want to reach that next level in life or in your business, but not sure what the right move is, or maybe you feel the best thing to do is nothing at all. Many of you may not know but, along with hosting my own weekly podcast, I'm a personal development mindset, business and life coach when I focus on helping people with self development mindset and how to make positive changes in their lives and, trust me, with all the negativity we've had to deal with these past two years, I think we all need some positivity, positive change, a fresh approach to our life or our business in 2022. Sometimes, talking to the right person can make all the difference. If you really want to start making those changes in your life, take action right now. Reach out and email, text, call or direct message me as soon as possible. Do it right now. I'll set you up with a free consultation call and pre-qualify you for either the one-on-one or business coaching that you really need to get your life or your business on the right track to success. Appointments are available right now.

Rick: 7:50

The real truth is that life will never, ever, ever stop giving us challenges, and if you feel as though nothing you do makes any differences, you are completely helpless and unable to do anything about these challenges, then you'll be climbing an uphill battle with the rest of your life. The good news is that it's not an inherited trait. Rather, you've learned to behave this way. At one time, you're likely a victim, but you don't have to continue being a victim. Learned behaviors can be unlearned too. A victim mindset convinces us that life happens to you.

Rick: 8:25

My favorite quote from Tony Robbins and a few others is life happens for us and not to us. Simply said, when life throws obstacles in our way, they're always there for a learning opportunity. Life teaches us lessons along the way, right? Not every lesson in life is easy, is it? No, not at all. In fact, the harder or more painful the lesson, the greater impact it can have on us, the more wisdom we end up gaining. For example, when we're kids first learning how to ride a bike, we fall several times, cut our knees, scrape our arms, bleed some, cry some, but we don't have the victim mindset yet. That's something we haven't learned, that useless skill yet. Right? We don't think. Why does this keep happening to me? No, we just get back on a bike and keep doing it and eventually we learn balance. If you have kids, listen, you know that look of pure joy on your kid's face when that bike makes it all the way down the street and back and they're looking at you just beaming right, because they've learned something. They worked hard for it, they bled for it, they got pain for it, but they learned it. It wasn't the stupid bikes fault or that dumb old streets fault we kept falling. No, it was our fault until we learned how to balance. Life happens for us. Or maybe when we got some credit card debt when we were a little younger and a little less wiser and paying things on that card was so easy, right. But speaking from experience, when you have to bite the bullet and painfully dig yourself out of debt because paying the minimum balance only drives you deeper in the hole and you have to survive on PB and J sandwiches or mac and cheese for a long time, you know, while your friends are out partying it up and having fun, you finally learn how to manage your money and spend wisely and it makes a huge difference in your financial life. Life happens for us and not to us. Like with every other behavior pattern, there's some very obvious signs you may see in someone you work with, live with or even in yourself, and recognizing these signs could be your first step in adjusting how you may interact with this person, knowing what you can or can't help them with, or realizing that you may need to make some changes in your own way of thinking. So what are some signs we can look for of a victim's mindset or a victim's mentality If you aren't sure whether you or someone close to you are struggling with a victim mindset, then here's a sampling of some potential signs to look for.

Rick: 10:53

You blame other people for how your life's going. You feel as though everything is stacked against you. When someone tries to help you, you'd lash out in anger. When you feel sorry for yourself, it makes you feel better. You tend to hang out with other people who also like to complain and blame other people. You find it hard to make changes in your life. You lack self-confidence or have low self-esteem. You want the people who have done you wrong to recognize what they did. You lack empathy for other people's problems. You think the world is an unfair place and you're hyper-vigilant to bad things that might happen. You're not emotionally available to other people. You feel as though failing is permanent. You have a constant feeling of helplessness. You always feel as though other people are better off in life than you and you have trouble coping with setbacks.

Rick: 11:48

Also, are there some certain attitudes that go along with a victim mentality? Absolutely, and here's just a few of those common attitudes to watch out for as well. One being unwilling to take risks. Two feeling overly pessimistic about your future. Three feelings of repressed anger. Four, feeling as though you're entitled to sympathy from others. Five feeling defensive, no matter what other people say. Six, feeling as though there's no point in looking for solutions. Seven, exaggerating the risks or situations and how bad they could turn out. I know a lot of people that do that. And eight, a feeling of learned helplessness.

Rick: 12:31

Now, as I talk about and think through some of the aspects of this mindset or mentality, I wonder why would anybody choose to be like this, to think this way, to adopt this mindset in the first place? Why would any person want to look at their life this way? Surely there can't be any benefits to this right, or is there? Let's think about that for a second. Yes, yes, there are some benefits indeed, actually quite a few. Let me run through a few of those for you. So here's the benefits of being a victim. It allows you to not have to take responsibility for your life. Other people will try to help and solve your problems for you.

Rick: 13:16

Being a continuing victim makes you feel like others value you. It's become a way of survival or a habit that you just can't seem to unlearn or don't want to. You're afraid to face the anger, shame, fear or sadness that's underlying your victim mindset. It helped you get through a really hard time and now it's just a habit. If people think you're struggling, they won't criticize you. It helps you avoid conflict with others. You are more likely to get what you want in situations there are fewer expectations of you. If everybody knows you're struggling, people will not burden you with their problems if you already have a lot of your own. You have an influence on people when you play the victim and it forces other people to take care of you, do things for you and, as you can see, there's plenty of reasons to be a victim, plenty of benefits to continue to view yourself as a victim.

Rick: 14:10

Now, while the feeling of not having to take responsibility for your life or lowering the number of expectations others may have of you or having others try to solve your problems for you may seem appealing, playing the victim is definitely not the preferred way to go through life. Giving your powers to others, not taking control of your own future and blaming everyone else in the world for your problems is not positive, productive or practical. So now what? What can you do to change? How do you get yourself into a better frame of mind? Here's a few tips to get you moving in the right direction. Choose to either leave situations or accept them. Speak up. Speak out to reclaim your power to change a situation. Forgive yourself or others who have harmed you. Do not accept, but rather forgive. Find help from a therapist who can help you process some past traumas.

Rick: 15:04

Take responsibility for what you can control in a life situation and how you react. Take control over who you spend your time with. Engage in self-care to treat yourself better and with kindness. Engage in self-love and see yourself as a worthwhile person. Write out your misfortunes to release bad feelings. The whole process of writing it down helps your brain free itself of those thoughts and feelings. You should try it. It's really amazing. It does work. Start to say no to things that don't align with your values or what you want in your life. Make yourself a priority and take care of how much energy you expend. Identify personal goals that you can work towards. Practice gratitude for what you already have in your life.

Rick: 15:50

Now, while I realize that listening to one short podcast or reading an article on victim mentality or victim mindset may not change your way of thinking overnight, nor will it empower you to better handle those around you that are affected by the mindset, but my hopes are that it does just a couple of things for you now. Number one it helps you recognize what playing the victim looks like, sounds like, feels like. Number two, it brings an awareness to what some features and benefits of a victim mentality are, and maybe it helps you understand more why people would have that mentality in the first place. Number three it provides a little info, direction and actionable steps on how to start moving yourself out of that non-productive mindset. And number four it arms you with some useful tactics to be able to deal with others in your life that may suffer from this disease without feeling totally helpless.

Rick: 16:41

Now, while this may not change the fact that the insurance jester will still try to pay as little as possible, but it does give you the power to write a better sheet and back it up with documentation. It won't automatically give that whiny tech more hours, but it may help him understand that he could learn some new skills or be more productive, get a few more jobs through his stalls each week, thus increasing his take-home pay. A job rep won't magically have new accounts landed in his lap, but he may decide, with some self-development, training and gaining some new skills and building a little more confidence, he can go after and gain new business, regardless of the competition. Now, as far as that very upset SUV owner that just wants to pick her car up tomorrow, sorry, but I really can't help you with that, because that back-ordered part still may take another two months before you see it. I mean, come on, it's on national back-order, right? She's gonna be mad for a long damn time.

Rick: 17:39

["the Star-Spangled Banner". If you liked this episode, please go to Apple Podcasts or Spotify and rate it, share it and leave a review. When you share this podcast with others, that's how we grow and when the show grows, I can serve more people with my messages. I appreciate you and I hope you have an awesome and productive week. I can always be reached at www. rickselover. com where you can find all my social media links podcast episodes, blog posts and much more. ["the Star-Spangled Banner"